You know, my father is really pissing me the fuck off, and here’s why:

1. He constantly calls me when he’s sooooooooo whacked out on pills that I don’t know how he dialed the phone or if he actually even knows who he’s talking to.
2. He hasn’t been taking care of himself (for a change) and has wound up in the hospital, again.  That’s, like, the 5^th or 6^th time this year.
3. When he’s out of pills, he goes through HORRIBLE withdrawal, and believe me I know how much that sucks.  But, aside from that, his health is fine and dandy when he’s detoxing.  But the second he gets a script again, somehow he ends up ‘getting sick’, usually winding up in the hospital, and then insults my intelligence by trying to get me to believe that it’s really a legitimate sickness and not something he brought upon himself. 
4. It absolutely breaks my heart to see him doing this to himself.  It used to be that he took pills to get energy and get things done, but now he doesn’t seem to be satisfied until he’s slurring and nodding out.  It’s as if he’s trying to kill himself, and I’m scared to death that he’s gonna go to sleep and not wake up, just like John.

So, I’m trying to remember that as powerless as I am over my disease, I’m even more powerless over his, and just because I’m doing this whole ‘cleaning up my life’ thing doesn’t mean that he is too, or ever will.

But it’s very frustrating.  I don’t like feeling like I’m the parent, and I don’t like having to keep an eye on him when I’m around him so that he doesn’t faint (which he did the last time I was there), or hurt himself some other way.  People tell me that I should just leave him alone when he gets like that and let whatever is going to happen happen, but I have a hard time doing that.  I’m not sensitive to many things, but ever since John, I’m really sensitive to people sleeping.  Like, whenever I’m sleeping in the bed with someone else, I periodically check to make sure they’re still breathing.  So, if my father is nodding out in the same room as me, of course I’m gonna keep an eye on him to make sure he doesn’t OD and die.  The night John died, he was making all these choking noises in his sleep, but, at the time, I thought he was just snoring so I rolled him over, and the next morning he was dead.  So, do you really think I’d make that mistake with someone again?  C’mon, even I’m not that stupid.

A Suck for Breakfast, a Suck for Lunch, and a Sensible Dinner

Boyfriend, offering a sip of shake: Here, have some.
Girlfriend: No, I'm okay.
Boyfriend: Have some, it's protein!
Girlfriend: No! I'll just suck your dick later.
Boyfriend: [Silence.]

Hahahahaha!!!! 

Just in case anyone really thinks this is a valid source of protein, here are the ‘stats’:

Serving Size:  1 Tbsp

Calories:  15

Carbs:  1 g

Fat:  0 g

Cholesterol:  0 g

Protein:   .5 g

LOL, my grandmother sent me this old, yellowed Ann Landers clipping from a newspaper in 1997 about finding ‘Mr. Right’.  My family hasn’t had the best opinion of most of the guys I’ve dated, so I think she’s trying to tell me something.  I think it’s pretty fucking hilarious-although it does make some valid points.

1. You probably won’t find Mr. Right in a bar.  Try grocery stores, church, where you work or through a friend.
2. If he tells you he’s married, he’s separated or that his wife doesn’t understand him-he has trouble stamped on his forehead.
3. If he tries to move in with you or wants to borrow money, be careful.  He might be a con artist.
4. If his family doesn’t like him and avoids him, maybe you should too.  They know him better than you do.
5. Check out his car.  It should be clean, serviceable and insured.
6. If he has children, decide if you want to marry them, too, because that is the way it will be.  And be aware that they are a direct link to his ex.
7. You don’t need a man to be a complete woman.  Choose the man-don’t let him choose you.  Be selective.  No one has the power to make you happier than the right man or more miserable than the wrong one.
8. Find someone who laughs at the same things you laugh at.  A shared sense of humor will make the good times better and the bad times less difficult.
9. If you want several children and plan to stay at home and raise them, choose a man whose skills and education will put him in a high salary category.
10. If you want a career, don’t marry a man who hates his job.  He will resent the time and attention you give to yours.
11. Two red flags:  Does he have a short fuse and a hot temper?  Is he hung up on his mother?  These are two negatives that inevitably get worse after marriage.  Both can be disastrous. 
12. Don’t get married because you’re scared to be alone.  No wife is more alone than one whose husband doesn’t pay attention to her.
13. No matter how wonderful his other qualities may be, do not marry a man who has threatened, hit or humiliated you.  In fact, don’t go out with him a second time.  Such a man is hazardous to your emotional and physical health and should be avoided like the plague.
14. Pay attention to how he treats his mother.  Chances are good that he will treat you the same way.

I think this is highly amusing.  Keep in mind that my grandmother lives in Arkansas, of all places, and that she’s, well, my GRANDmother.  Just a little on the old-fashioned side.

But I can’t imagine wanting a man enough to look for all these signs and stuff.  Is it normal for women to think about whether or not they could see themselves marrying someone on the first or second date?  Is it just because I’m 26 that I don’t think this way, or am I just a cold-hearted bitch that doesn’t want the traditional husband, kids, white picket fence thing?

Who the hell knows, I just thought this was funny.

Well, it’s official.  I’m going to have to get a 2^nd job.  I’m extremely broke all of the time, and I don’t even have all of my rent for August yet.  I’ve just barely scraped by since I moved in, and that was only because of my tax return and stuff.  When I actually have to rely on JUST my salary….it doesn’t work out so well.  so, I have an interview for some evening/weekend customer service bullshit job at a real estate office tonight at 6.  Who the hell knows what that job entails, but it’s in Queens, pretty close to my place (I think), and it’s an evening/weekend thing.  My only other options are bartending (NOT a good idea), or retail, which doesn’t even seem worth it.  Unless it was somewhere that sold clothes….

We shall see.

OMG, this is so weird.  My favorite movie when I was little was The Neverending Story (honestly, I still think it’s awesome, as juvenile as that may be), and I got the urge to watch it today (because I still have nothing to do at work), so I found it on YouTube and am watching away.  But before I found it on YouTube, for some reason I Googled it, and I was reading about the cast and I recognized one of the actresses names as someone that works here!  How bugged out is that?!  For those of you who have seen it, she plays the childlike empress.  She doesn’t actually work IN the office, but she’s an artist that works for us, and I enter her payroll info every week.  Weird.  I'm not gonna lie to ya-I'm a little star struck!  Just in a 'what a coincidence' kind of way.

In other news, one of the interns here told me I was so skinny (HA!) and that she wishes she looked like me.  I lol’d right in her face at that one!  Who, in their right mind, would want to look like me?!  But then again, I must see myself differently than others do, because I’m always getting called pretty and stuff.  Whatever.

OK, I just got 2 calls, from 2 different people, asking if we offer EMT training here?  Why, when this place has performing arts in the name of it, would anyone think we offer medical training?  Jeez.

Jesus, I’ve had absolutely nothing to do all day today.  Like NOTHING.  So I’ve been randomly reading about shit on the internet.  Today I read about Michael Alig and all those club kids in the 80’s, because for some reason the movie Party Monster came into my head.  Quite interesting and drug filled.

Speaking of drugs-this is embarrassing, but I came SO close to taking an oxy this weekend out at my dad’s.  So close that I even went out and bought a bag of works so I could bang one.  And the only thing that stopped me was that my dad had generic this time, and I couldn’t break it down.  And since I had my heart set on shooting, I didn’t end up taking it orally.  I figured it wasn’t meant to be, and now I’m really glad I didn’t, but I really came close and that kind of scares me, not to mention pisses me off.  So, I’m definitely going to check out NA.  It’s time.

Fuck, my rent is going up in September.  Not that much, but still.  I have a hard enough time paying it as it is now!  I don’t even know for sure if I’ll have enough to pay for August on time.  God, I hate being broke!!!!!!!!

So, for some reason I was up most of the night because my eyes were itchy, and I rubbed and scratched at them so much that they’re all red and swollen and raw today.  To the point where I literally scared myself when I looked in the mirror today.  And I thought I’d done a good job hiding it with make-up, but not good enough, it would seem, because every single person that I work with asked me if I was OK because I looked like I’d been up all night crying.  CRYING?  There are a lot of things I might’ve stayed up all night doing, but crying has never been anywhere on that list.

So, my eyes don’t itch anymore (they’re just nice and raw), but the itch has transferred itself to my arms, legs, back and stomach, and I’ve been clawing at myself all friggin’ day.  I swear to God, it’s like the junkie itch.  Maybe I let myself think too much about that H….it got in my head or something.  Weird.  Very weird.  Obviously, I know that I can’t just think myself into a junkie-itch state, but there’s no explanation for why I’m itching so much.  There are no marks on me at ALL, no rash, no bites, no hives, etc.  I haven’t eaten anything out of the ordinary, and I haven’t changed soaps, detergents, mascaras, etc.  WTF is the DEAL?!

I’ve taken Benadryl and Clairitin, and sprayed some Cortaid, but other than making me MAD sleepy, it hasn’t done shit else.  And I’ve officially scratched myself raw on my thighs and stomach now too.  Yipee.  At least I know a new med to take to get sleepy-Benadryl!  Works like a charm!

Well, my dad couldn’t hang with the no pill thing, so he’s going to FL this week to re-up.  Can’t say I’m too surprised, but I am jealous.  What’s the harm in taking just a few pills, I ask you?  I wouldn’t even have to shoot them, I could just chew them, although that’s not nearly as fun…

Anyway, enough about that….

I haven’t talked to my sponsor in, like, a week or something, so I’m sure she’s plenty pissed off at me.  The last message she left me was kind of weird, and that was on Saturday, so who knows.

Oh wow, this poor old lady just got off the elevator with her arm dripping blood, because she got it caught in the subway door.  It looks painful as hell.  She says, though, that her faith in New Yorkers, and humanity in general, has been restored, because SO many people came to her assistance.  She must REALLY want to see this performance today, too, because, well, she’s here bleeding instead of in the ER.  I guess there’s a reason why people come from around the world for these workshops.  I can’t imagine liking something that much-other than a drug, that it.  Lol.  It must be nice to have passions.  I really do believe I’ve messed my brain up with too many drugs, because I really don’t get excited about much.  Everything is just OK, you know what I mean?  Nothing spectacular, just hum-drum.  I do feel better this month than I did last month, though, since I started the new med regimen.  There’s definitely been a difference.  I just still get really frustrated because I’m looking for that euphoric feeling I get from opiates in real life.  Guess I’ll have to keep on lookin’. 

Yeah, so, you wanna talk about temptation??!!??!!  Dammit man, I got offered something very nice, which, by the way, never happened when I was active, and I had to turn it down.  Lame. 

But boy oh boy would it have been nice…..

Damn sobriety, ruining all my getting high.  WTF?!  Whatever, I guess that temporary warm and euphoric feeling isn’t worth jeopardizing all I have now.  Is it?

L

Dear Jana –

Thanks again for doing such a fabulous job with both the Murray Nathan lunch on Monday and last night’s benefit. You really took the lead with so much, last night especially, so that I had very few details to worry about. It’s really a tribute to you how smoothly everything ran. See you for the next one!!

See what nice things are being said about me??  They should SO hire me!

Hahaha, I don’t have one.  And one of my babysitters used to tell me that I wasn’t human because I didn’t have one.  She was kinda mean, now that I think about it….

Hmmm…..why they made me come in an hour early today is beyond me, since I’m not busy at all.  From the way they made it sound, I was expecting to walk into total chaos, but so far…..nothing.

OK, I’m making a sincere effort to not eat sugar this week.  This is really a hard thing to do, because I love me some sugar, but I want to see if it makes any sort of difference in my weight.  I have no idea what makes me gain weight, what gives me energy, etc. 

I went to see ‘Wanted’ with my dad and Jaye yesterday.  It was OK.  Not realistic at all, obviously, but entertaining, with some cool graphic/special effect things.  Kinda Matrixy. 

I’m so bored with everything in my life and everyone that I know, for the most part.  I REALLY need some excitement before I jump out of my fucking skin.  I need to meet some more interesting people, I need to make more money so I can do more stuff…