So I've been thinking about this alot, with sexsexsexsexsex flying at me from all sorts of directions in real life (I don't care that it flies at me from the internet. It's the internet. I expect this.).
I'm 22 years old, virgin, never even been really kissed. This seems lame. I'm more bugged about the latter than the former. The kiss part being an important forerunner to the second, I feel like I don't have enough data to draw a conclusion from.

Still, I have never thrown away the concept of asexuality as a possibility. Even never-been-kissed teenagers still in puberty seem to be interested in sex itself, to be attracted to other people in a purely physical way. I've only experienced that feeling in any strong way with one person, and even then, when I think back to it, I could never think passed cuddling and maybe kissing. Anything further seemed bizarre. And frankly, it still does.

In all my years so far at college, there hasn't been a single person I've felt a genuine physical attraction to. The idea of me having sex is just... odd and feels wrong and strange and just... I have no interest in doing it right now.

I don't and can't write off sex as an impossibility for me at this point, but at the very least, it's something I will never be able to do with someone who isn't the right person. The idea of having sex with somebody without an emotional connection at all boggles my mind. Considering the fact that I haven't felt any inkling of attraction to anybody in a very long time, that right person is going to be pretty damn hard to find. I am certainly open to the possibility that that person will come along eventually, and it will feel right.

However, the fact that I'm not actively seeking a partner doesn't compute with some people. I was recently told I should "get pounded." Even online that's fucking out of line. And it's not the first time. It doesn't compute with most people that not wanting sex is even an option. I must just be scared of it and be in need of fixing. And maybe I am scared. But that doesn't change the fact that I don't feel a need to actively seek it out. If it happens, it happens, and hopefully it'll go well if it does. I don't see my lack of sex as a problem but other people apparently do.

Like anyone else I do certainly want affection and attention and companionship. But that doesn't have to equal "HEY HOTNESS I WANNA BANG YOU."

I refuse to let this make me feel like I am somehow broken because the rest of the world is sex crazed (by comparison to me, at the very least). It is unsettling to me to be in a society where people insist that "sex is the one thing every human being has in common," making it seem like I am somehow less human because of the fact that I'm not lusting after the cock (or vag, whatever).

To the rest of the world: Please do continue having sex as you please. Just don't look down on me for not doing it, because I wouldn't look down on you for doing it. Get out of my bedroom and stop telling me how to live my life because I would never do the same to you.

I need to learn to accept myself for who I am, figure out what I want to be, and hopefully if all goes well, find a way to live my life the way I want to. Stop thinking you have me all figured out, that I'm just lonely or jealous or sexually frustrated, because I honestly am not. I'm sorry I don't fit in one of your little boxes, but you're going to have to deal with it, because I'm not changing any time soon.

Birds of Prey the TV Series is officially mind bogglingly .... LAME.

and I'm only 20 minutes into the pilot. Apparently Dinah Lance is a teenaged psychic? What? And Oracle is a school teacher as her day job? And Huntress has basically replaced Black Canary, but has kept the same personality as her so... what's the point here? Also, there are random cheetah roars whenever huntress does stuff. And the Joker has FORCE LIGHTNING.

And that's not counting the godawful script accented by half-assed acting. Apparently, any time there's a flashback with the Joker, Mark Hamill does the voice. Which is probably the only redeeming factor here. And it doesn't count much for me because I've seen one Batman: The Animated Series episode and that was like... two days ago. It's kind of cool that Harley Quinn is there and is sort of the mastermind, but so far she's played not so much as Harley, but just like... a female Joker.

And when it's not bad, it's boring. so. fail all around. it's oozing in WB-production nonsense. Hooray for the internet preventing me from spending money on it!

UUGGGGHHHH IT ENDED WITH A SHITTY POP SONG AND EVERYTHING

"IF YOU WANT TO
I CAN SAAAAAVE YOOU
I CAN TAKE YOU AWAAAY FROM HEERREE"

oh fuck you, WB.

Watching some Akagi to try and distract myself from BAWWW and hopefully be less cranky. and so I can hopefully fall asleep.

It's pretty effective when I actually try to understand what they're telling me about the rules of Mahjong. OH GOD COMPLICATED. So far (2 episodes, hurr) I like Kaiji better for two reasons - 1) the games in Kaiji are spelled out to the viewer from the start so you know the rules and can better follow Kaiji's thinking and 2) Kaiji is much more endearing as a character because he freaks out, cries, gets all proud of himself, makes silly faces etc whereas Akagi so far is pretty much just COLD LIEK ICE. Not that he's not a badass or anything, I just relate better to spazzes.

I also am tempted to join daisychainrpg but it's stupid and I don't understand why because I hated Cloverfield with an insane burning PASSION. I kind of want to play Nanaki again somewhere though. He's a good outlet for practicing using a bigger vocabulary than I do here. and everywhere else.

In hindsight, I only saw that movie because I liked the concept, I just hated the execution. So I guess it makes sense.

Ok guys. So roommate is still having her boyfriend over all the time. And it really bugs me, but I feel like I don't have a justified enough "case" to complain. It's not like they're talking really loud or making loud sex noises or anything like that. It annoys me that they're super clingy and I don't want to be around it, so I go to my room to avoid it. So whenever he's here, I feel confined to my room. And then they still sit there and giggle and pick on each other and are all TEE HEE OMG STOOPPP HEHEHEHE with the occasionaly loud SMACK kiss that grosses me out cuz I have to hear it in my room through a closed door.

Today I came home and their cars were in the parking lot. I come in, all the lights are off and there's a shirt and a hat thrown on the floor in the hallway. I freak out with awkward and leave again and go back to my friend's house. I just don't feel comfortable in my own house apparently. I kind of want to complain, but I don't feel justified to do so. They're not obnoxiously loud, I'm just really not comfortable about ... any of it. Nevermind that the guy kind of gets on my nerves a little.

But it just seems like my own issue with ARGH I CAN'T BE IN A ROOM RIGHT NEXT TO ONE WHERE SEX MAY BE HAPPENING and ARGH I AM DISGUSTED BY YOUR CONSTANT PDA.

idk. it just seems like something I can't really complain about, or if I were, how do I even begin to approach it?

I'm just really frustrated by it. I hate feeling uncomfortable in my own damn house.

It sucks cuz up until now I've really liked living with my roommate. So I guess part of it is feeling like I've had a friend torn away from me even though she's still here. We haven't watched any movies together in a long time because she's always watching them with him (and it's generally shit I don't care about, and who wants to be a fucking third wheel?)

Fuck, I kind of hate boys.

You know what bugs me about my current literature class? We have to do these "Reading Responses" which sounds like something I'd normally be good at (ie. read this, write 2 pages about what you thought about it, drawing on previous reading from the course). But she gives us more specific stuff than that, and usually her specific stuff isn't at all what I want to talk about. I know she probably makes it more specific for people who aren't good at this kind of thing, but it annoys me because it means I have to B.S. something on her topic when I had more legitimate stuff I actually wanted to say on a different topic in the same reading. It's just... Argh. That's sort of what gets me about the whole class. I want a more open ended discussion in class too, but she keeps it very strict to questions she comes up with. I find her questions to be kind of superficial and not as open to interpretation as I would like. Tonight's is to compare Book X to Short Story Y with relation to the environment and character relationships and motives. I'd rather compare about the narrator of Book X and Short Story Y and how I think the perspectives of the narrators are kind of whacked, and how I sort of wonder what the authors are trying to say exactly being as they're both female writers with male narrators making lots of judgements on femininity (CONSTANTLY. Even Militant Feminist Me is getting tired of it and that's saying something).

CLAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSS

that has "ass" in it =\

WHY DOES MY ROOMMATE'S NEW BOYFRIEND HAVE TO BE HERE EVERY DAY NOW?

JFJFJFJD

I'M SO OVER IT.

( HAHA AVATAR FINALE )

( On The Dark Knight: Some (Overly Specific) Complaints )

Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog. Watch it. Cuz I said so?

Home now finally. Back to class tomorrow. Booooooooo. Gonna be a wimpy paycheck at the end of the month, which is sad after spending alot of money in Seattle. Coming home was really surreal. Probably largely fueled by running on 4 hours of sleep all day, but also... I dunno. I'm just feeling contemplative about life. Most importantly, what the fuck I'm going to do with it. Being in Seattle and seeing how my sister's basically made her life more like how she wanted it (city, apartment, car-less environmentally friendly existence etc) has made me really wonder what the fuck to do with my life. I don't take well to change, and I feel like if I tried to make a similar big move like that but without a significant other to help I don't know if I could do it. I'm not a go-getter make-friends-everywhere kind of gal, and that totally limits me. I'm told it's possible to learn how to be that kind of person, but I remain skeptical. And you kind of have to be a go-getter to learn how to be a go-getter I mean... what? But I'm not really content to just live out my life in Las Cruces either, at least not without attempting to muck around somewhere else for a while, anyway.

Yeah I don't know. I'm just... yeah. It's amazing how different life in Seattle is from life here. It's not that I TOTES WANT TO MOVE TO SEATTLE NOW or anything (though it is a pretty nice place) it's just more clear now that there are nearly endless possibilities in life and I don't know how to get any of them, or even which ones I want to get.

In lighter things related to Seattle, Claire posted some pictures of me from the trip and dear GOD I need a haircut. I am frumptastic from EVERY ANGLE. Wish my hairplace weren't so expensive. It costs basically the same as the parking ticket I got in may that I still haven't paid. Which I will go pay online now... yeeeaaah.

Today sucked.

Long story short, I was at the airport for something like 6 hours because my flight was cancelled. After alot of crap, I'm in a crappy hotel for the night and am now watching Star Trek: TNG. 3rd episode in a row. Yeeaaahhhhh.

Ugh.

Laaame.

Here's a dumb picture.

Alfred: 1
Batman: 0