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September 15th, 2007
01:42 am
We thank and
we hope;
I don’t know to what, or to who
But my nature tells me it's so
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September 13th, 2007
02:11 pm
i want my hair back.
why did i go and cut bangs again?
trying to be easygoing, i think.
man, i was just getting to dig my hair again, and now this.
if you let other people decide you may not like the results.
DUH.
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September 12th, 2007
12:49 am
just a little stupid moment
in all the moments that happen so frequently
its about rejection
in the name of something else
or some girl who has a cool name
its about the love
or the sex that i want
that coincides or doesnt, with others.
all these little tears that fall
along with sobs
of disbelieft
like i thought this life would be different
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September 9th, 2007
09:31 pm
Los Angeles
Layers of my personality wash over me
everything comes and goes here
in the middle of the middle
I wanna fuck my way out.
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September 6th, 2007
01:31 pm
.....
She crawled down the cat walk -
(older, a smoker, but tight, disciplined)
donned all in shiny black
covering each arm and each leg
(six or eight of them in total)
tight black vinyl wraps over the elbows,
vixen-tongue-tight all the way down to the ankles and the wrists
two headed spider lady wears gold rimmed sunglasses and a turban
The other head hangs just below, dark dread locked
Spider lady crawls unglamourously down the catwalk when the suit comes a part a bit
breaking her complicated, seasoned rhythm
And I think shame on the designer for
this spectacle -
form without function exposed the subject as a freak
....
I dreamed this on the plane this morning and wrote it down because it was such bizarre imagery. when I got home, B informed me that there had been a black widow yesterday in the apartment that hung around all afternoon, which they later killed.
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09:06 am
Face the truth.
Even if you don’t want it.
Even if
you don’t
want it.
If you know it and can see it,
You are obliged to honor it.
Face the truth and your spirit will rise
Don’t sink,
Your spirit will be happier this way.
Face the truth
Why don’t you want to?
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September 4th, 2007
01:22 pm
inside the dark rooms of late august
lay strange boy bodies,
long tangled hair,
soft smelling beards.
bedrooms and hotel rooms
like cool outer space,
thoughts and words traveled in thin silver lines,
encircled us in ribbons.
the boxes inside the boxes
hold nothing now.
My secrets, not secrets anymore.
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June 26th, 2007
01:13 pm
is it just that I find myself fearful, procrastinating, wanting everything to JUST HAPPEN immediately as part of my personality? or is it part of some American Ilness?
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June 14th, 2007
05:31 pm - haiku
...
dissapointment
unwanted friend, she
sits next to me and i melt
into pools of tears
...
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June 1st, 2007
10:50 am
I pressed my thumb into the grooves,
its skin, complex, a wild shape in my hands.
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April 8th, 2007
09:44 am - and stolen from ninyah
respond and I will:
1 - Tell you why I friended you.
2 - Associate you with a song/film.
3 - Tell a random fact about you.
4 - Tell a first memory about you.
5 - Associate you with a character/pairing.
6 - Ask something I've always wanted to know about you.
7 - Tell you my favorite user pic of yours [if it pertains].
8 - In retort, you must spread this disease in your journal.
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April 4th, 2007
12:30 am - the dreamlife of angels
Tonight I saw someone in a film that I related to very much, someone who didn't want to get involved in what was right in front of her because she thought it would be too messy... and why meddle? Ironically, she's heading towards another mess in the form of a romance as fast as she can. Did she want to crash because she felt numb in her life and somehow needed it? Or was she addicted to her own sort of dispair and she couldnt help herself. The despair is that there is one thing that we do know for certain - everything dies. But to live in this kind of shadow is ultimately (for me) a denial of the life that proclaims itself every day. As long as I open my eyes and my heart still beats in the morning, how can I deny life?
Granted, we all know that life is just how you see things. but it keeps coming up over and over and over. The risk of being conscious is becoming involved. "I'm afraid I can't commit to someone elses mess, there's not enough time, I dont want to get lost in the mire of emotional work. I can choose my emotional entanglements. This is sticky, this is messy, I've been there, done that. I can't care because I don't have time. I can't be aware of whats going on because I can't commit my life's work to it."
Not to discount being there and doing that, and not wanting to do it again.
Commitment is a funny thing, and I've said that before. I have very little experience commiting myself to things. Somewhere in me is this die hard idea of what commitment is. I don't get involved because I have a feeling that I care too much. I'll get overcommited. It will change the course of my life. And yet - I keep my commitments small enough to fit in the palm of my hand, or in my backpack. I end up not getting too involved in anything so I can float on what is (just a thought) my dream of what it means to be free and live out in the world. Free to roam, to travel, to engage my wanderlust, to keep my little thoughts in the tiniest hidden box inside a box on the top shelf on my closet. Is it a way of honoring the little me, the soul in there? what is that?
perhaps it serves to keep the dream in tact, that someone will one day break the doors off the closet and opens the box. hah... what does feed the dream.
Funny, I realize I said that I have very little experience commiting myself to things - and I meant that in the way of career and relationships. But really I get very stuck on an idea of how something is going to be. I overcomit in funny ways and I have trouble getting myself to a point of flexibility. Perhaps my idea about die hard commitment has come to me honestly - its in my own stubborn nature that I hold onto things so very tightly.
Someone said to me recently: What are the things that make you feel as if you are traveling but never arriving?
For me, it can be the lack of entanglements, my lack of faith in myself to do the right thing, my thought that I can be petty when I get uncomfortable, that I get all involved and then I actually can't handle what I've become involved in. Careless involvements that feed the ego, not conscious involvements. Giving into impulses that are born of my own lack of self worth.
Traveling and never arriving. Arriving to me is being involved in my life. The way I live, its a dream life in a way that I have lived alone. In a more conscious state of dreaming, the one attached to reality, I dream of being involved. There is indeed a such thing as being untouched.
And though I like to keep perspective, I can't hold on so tight to this idea of trying to keep something by sitting so far on the outside. I'll have to trust that I've got what I need and my existance will sort itself out.
This rich dream life that we often have, at what point do they dreams get in the way of living?
Perhaps when they seem so far from our realities?
Tomorrow is today. What could be put off until later can be started in this very moment.
I know that I'm addicted to certain thoughts that I have. They are like routines. Should I break them on another day? No, I break them now.
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January 29th, 2007
08:59 pm
so much has happened and i haven't been able to bring myself to write a single word about any of it.
its been a period of not knowing anything at all, of making and unmaking.
one thing though. i'm off to japan tomorrow.
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December 6th, 2006
09:51 am
i'm sad this morning. i woke up to reading the trades in bed, and seeing photos of the production, of everything going on. without me. i'm still carrying a sense of care and pride and excitement about the project. seeing the photos makes me feel that feeling of being a part of something. except i'm here, in LA, in my bed. not a part of it, and for that matter - its not advantageous for me to ever mention i was a part of it.
oh well. mama said there would be days like this.
up and off to yoga.
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December 3rd, 2006
04:32 am - a beautiful mess.
sort of.
i was fired for the second time in my life. its strange what happened. i'm still digesting it. i'm humbled, i'm angry, i'm grieving, i'm terrified, i'm sad, i'm embarressed, i'm confused, shamed.
i'm going to be alright.
i'm leaving indiana today. i haven't slept. i had a strange psychic moment happen to me. the kind where you feel something physical happen to you at a moment when something is going on. an hour before i found out, the back of my head started pounding so severely, the people i was with had to take me home. and then my boss called me and when i saw him, i said, am i fired? and then the word came down that indeed i had i fucked up a scene,that it had to be redone, i didn't get what was needed , and it was because of a misunderstanding. my bosses confidence was shaken. i'm expendible. it was straightforward and polite, but after working since six am and finally returning to my room at midnight from work, i came to my room to pack my bags. everything i had set up for the month. i'm leaving in the morning. and just like that, its over. the words coming out of his mouth were like every single thing i've ever heard thats been unexpected and negative in my life, and sadly enough the feeling is on par with hearing about my mother's tumor, or my fathers... though not the same consequences. but that heart stopping feeling that everything has changed somehow without you and there's nothing for you to do except get clarification so you can hold yourself up, figure out how to move forward. gather facts. keep control while the world inside storms. the brain spins ninety degrees to the left and colors and shapes start to bend. heart moves to stomach and the lungs to the legs. hands to head, to cover the eyes. not from tears, they live next door. but as a barrier between worlds. cover your eyes and hold your head. slide down the ladder.
this is what its like for the total control freak / over achiever me.
i'm hollow now. i've been up for twenty four hours i think. i understand, but i dont. its so high pressure, i usually worry worry worry constantly about being fired because its the nature of this business and everyone does and has been - you fuck up and you're basically asked to leave so they can replace you because there is no time for any mistakes, instead of ever being fired, it usually goes the other way for me, i succeed fiercely. a primetime network show and there is no room for second chances.
i'm packed. i'm cried out. i'm hungry but i'm not. i'm on the verge of getting my period. i'm exhausted and out of my mind. i've got a plane ticket to LA but I dont want to go back. or do i. i've got an invite to go to montreal to visit the stupid boy. we had a conversation the other day and cleared the air. i could go there and hide out. go to coffee shops and write. what i want is to be held. i'm not sure he can do that though.
what a strange way to wrap up the year, to wrap up my 20's. whats the lesson in this? there's so much good to take away from it, so much more good than bad, i'm tempted to hold my head high into the clouds and skip the head trip. i know what i know, don't i? i tried my best.
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November 23rd, 2006
05:27 am
that no words have come out, no sounds, no vibrations, my world translated inside, and only inside.
of what?
two girls. sardine, in a bed -
just through the curtain.
i'm going to Indiana on friday for a job for six weeks. i came home, i'm here, i didn't do anything. i got a job, i'm leaving again. i'm turning thirty in December. I've got winter clothes but it will be cold on my cheeks and i'll want to play but i'll be working. but its going to be like camp, like work camp. and will we all be in it together?
what i really want to say is that its all sticking together quite nicely actually.!
scratch that.
what is all this? where is the comfort zone? i went from speaking very little for a period of a few months to now, speaking all the time. excessively.
come here, now. i'll see you, my eyes are open.
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October 17th, 2006
04:05 pm
Bridge Over Trouble Water
When you’re weary, feeling small,
When tears are in your eyes, I will dry them all;
I’m on your side. When times get rough
And friends just can’t be found,
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down.
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down.
When you’re down and out,
When you’re on the street,
When evening falls so hard
I will comfort you.
I’ll take your part.
When darkness comes
And pain is all around,
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down.
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down.
Sail on silvergirl,
Sail on by.
Your time has come to shine.
All your dreams are on their way.
See how they shine
If you need a friend
I’m sailing right behind.
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will ease your mind.
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will ease your mind.
Current Music: aretha franklin - bridge over troubled water
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October 16th, 2006
04:16 pm - a pocket full of quarters.
i dreamed this.
it was a dark night. i was walking through a quiet empty town. I had a few bags with me, one of them was like a suitcase on wheels. I needed to be somewhere and I had missed my ride or something. I decided to consolodate my bags, even though some of them were empty. I put them all into the rolling suitcase and rolled it along side of me.
I didn't have my phone on me. But i did have a pocket full of quarters. I passed a shady looking bar that said it had a payphone. I decided not to go in. but soon i came to a jewelry shop, brightly lit with flourescent light shining on tons of fake gaudy gold jewelry. I watched an old crazy couple wander in. They were talking about having a child, but needing to buy a ring before they did. They seemed crazy to me. The old woman oohed and ahhed over all the jewelry. Another woman in the shop tried on a bright blinging fake gold and diamond necklace.
"Isn't it beautiful??" she said to me.
I took a closer look.
"Yes, actually it is beautiful." I said.
I tried on the necklace. And then almost immediately took it off and without taking an extra step i turned and walked out the door.
I began walking again into the night, feeling that my suitcase was so heavy and cumbersome. And I had a long way to go.
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October 15th, 2006
11:14 pm
Taken from ninyah.
If you comment on this post:
1. I’ll respond with something random about you.
2. I’ll challenge you to try something.
3. I’ll pick a color that I associate with you.
4. I’ll tell you something I like about you.
5. I’ll tell you my first/clearest memory of you.
6. I’ll tell you what animal you remind me of.
7. I’ll ask you something I’ve always wanted to ask you.
8. If I do this for you, you must, it would be appreciated if you posted this on yours.
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August 27th, 2006
10:13 am
why don't I have any words lately?
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jenzy's journal