I wrote this on Monday but forgot to post it.

Yesterday was my day for riding Dexter, the horse I used to be afraid of riding faster than a slow trot. By now the bugs and flies are far too irritating for us to take a ride in the woods, so we spent half an hour in the paddock instead.

Dexter hadn't been ridden since I was there last week, which meant that he was bored and lazy. This is a bad combination - it means he wants to run, but not actually work. One of the ways this shows is that it's hard to get him to slow down from a trot to a walk - it's easier to just keep lumbering along instead of slowing down properly. So that's the problem I got to work with.

I tried a few times to switch between trot and walk. It didn't work very well; I'd end up having to pull hard on the reins and he'd get crankier and crankier. I realized that this isn't the first time I've tried and failed with this approach, so this time I decided to try something else.

I took him at a trot around a circle, trying my best to get him "together", putting his hind legs properly under him and using the energy to get a steady energetic trot. When he started flagging (which didn't take long as it was hot and he was a bit out of condition), I kept urging him on until he was heartily tired of it. That's when I went back to going from a trot to a walk again. This time my cue to slow down wasn't an irritant, it was a relief, so we both came away feeling happy. I think this is a subset of  "don''t give an order you know won't be obeyed" - of course the horse should slow down quickly on cue, but the time to practice isn't when he's going to be contrary, it's when he's going to want to do it.

When I was finished doing the same thing in the other direction (it's important to work both sides of the horse) I took him out for a walk on the gravel road lined by trees close to the stable. There was a gust of wind, and a smallish branch was torn off a tree and fell down about ten metres ahead. Dexter flinched and swerved, but he didn't run off. I let him think for a few seconds, then let him approach the branch slowly until he was satisfied that not only was it not dangerous, it was tasty and edible! (I don't usually let him eat anything while I'm riding, but this time it seemed like a good idea to show him that if he goes on even if he's scared then he might get a bonus).

It struck me that the first times we were out together, if he got scared, he'd run the standard 50 metres before stopping. The past few times though, just like Skutt, he only swerves and then stops cold. I think this means that he's now letting me decide if we should run or not.

I want to keep a separate record of things that involve the foal, so I've put up a separate LJ account. His username is primediamond .

Today when I was driving to work I suddenly found myself in a queue in the middle of Liljansskogen. That's a small road, limited to 30 km/h, and there usually isn't any queue in there.

When I got around a curve in the road and was able to look ahead, I saw the reason.

Some people were driving a flock of sheep across the road. The procession consisted of two persons on horseback, followed by something like 50-100 sheep and about five people and dogs to keep the flock together.

I tried getting some pictures with my mobile phone, but they were really bad, so you'll just have to trust me on this.

Today a coworker complimented me both on elegance and on courage for wearing this...

Sari This is me wearing a brown sari with a gold border. It's taken at a rather odd angle as the photographer was sitting down when he took the pic.

Yesterday at the grocery store I noticed a woman wearing a very interesting blouse. I looked closer.She noticed and interrupted her cell phone conversation, looking at me as if trying to figure out if she knew me. I said "Oh, I was just looking at the beautiful blouse you're wearing, it's lovely!", and went on with my shopping.

A while later she came up to me and told me how much she appreciated the comment and said she'd made it herself. I said that I'd guessed, and that I do some sewing myself. We chatted for a while and ended up trading phone numbers.

So that's it - I'm officially Not Shy. I never thought I'd get to the point where I can start talking to a total stranger in a shop.

I've not posted much about Dexter. That's the horse in the icon of this post, and I've been riding him for about a year now.

Dexter is owned by Eva (who's also the co-owner of the foal) and her sister. He's basically got two modes - the one where he just lazes along nicely, and the one where he's got a rocket under the tail. In lazy mode I have to work on getting him to lift his legs; in rocket mode I have to work to not get thrown off (which he actually did once, on purpose...).

I've not "clicked" with Dexter the way I did with Melanie, or with Skutt. He's nice enough, he's just not my horse in the way Melanie is even though I don't own her. But I have learned a lot from riding him. Eva rides him in dressage competitions, and she's a very good rider. She uses her seat a lot, so he's sensitive to weight distribution and movement of the abdomen and seat. This basically means that he doesn't listen to me unless I'm firmly seated. That took me a long time to get used to. I had the problem that when we'd go in a trot, he'd speed up more than I was comfortable with, and then I'd get nervous and want to slow down. I'd haul on the reins - but at the same time I'd be leaning forward, and he listened more to the weight than to the reins, so to speak. So I've had to teach myself to first sit down properly and only then take the reins. It works, when I do it right, which is far from every time.

When we do go at a trot or a gallop, he usually wants to go faster than I'm comfortable with, and when we trot he wants to gallop. Part of this is because I lean forward too much; the other part is that he's not strong enough to carry himself at a slower pace, especially with an not-completely-balanced rider like me. Needless to say, Eva doesn't have this problem.

So, in short, I've been having some difficulty and have been a bit wary of riding him alone. But a while ago I had a lesson with Eva which pretty much changed everything. We basically created the situations where I've felt uncomfortable, and then she explained what was actually going on and how I could handle it differently. Previously I'd basically just slowed down or made a complete halt - now I learned to continue working while bringing him down to a pace where I felt comfortable.

And it worked. Since that one lesson a few months back, I've taken him out alone a couple of times, I've trotted outside of the paddock, and I've been to two jumping lessons. True, it's been scary sometimes, but it's worked, and I've learned!

Yesterday I got the clearest proof so far that I've learned a lot. There was a jumping competition going on when cdybedahl and I got to the stables. Lots of cars, lots of people, lots of strange horses. It was hot enough that Dexter wasn't quite in rocket mode, but he certainly wasn't calm. I took him down to a path in the wood, beside a small water-filled ditch. The footing is good there, and as he was being a bit skittish, wanting to turn back to the other horses, I started to trot - that means he needs to focus a bit more on going forward and less on looking back. And so he did - in fact, he was forward enough to start galloping instead of trotting.

And I did exactly the right thing. Instead of freaking out and hauling on the reins, I simply sat down and thought "hey, trot, not gallop". This made my body move into the right position for trotting, and he just followed and switched gears back into a trot. It took me at least half a minute to realize that a miracle had just occurred. I had done the right thing, and it worked.

Now I just need to keep my head in the space where it just lets the body get on with the job instead of interfering by trying to think everything through...

At 2.45 I was called by Eva who owns Melanie. It was foaling time. I got up, threw on the riding clothes and made a cup of coffee which I drank in the car. I got to the stable five minutes after he was born.

	Newborn This is before he stood up the first time. Melanie was a bit confused about the whole thing.
	Outside And a few hours later he gets his first view of the outside

There are more images in my scrapbook.

Well, a lol.

Today I went into a meeting and greeted the others with "OH HAI!!!"

Maybe I shouldn't be reading lolcats before going to work...

One of the risks of being kissed is that you'll get mono. When you get kissed by Captain Jack, the risk is that you'll get poly.

Imagine this:

You're in a cafe. A skinny woman whines "Oh, I feel so fat today, I feel like such a big fat cow." Then she turns to you and says "How can you stand it every day?"

I'm not sure what I'd say, but I bet it wouldn't be half as cool as what Dianne Sylvan said

True, it's a population of one, but still...

Blue cane with flower pattern This is the new cane I bought in January 2008. It's got a faux wood handle. The cane itself is dark blue with a flower pattern in mild pinks and grayish greens. It can be folded up in five parts, and the height is variable (see the little pin sticking out? You change the height by moving it to a different hole.) The wrist strap was bought separately.

Almost eight years. That's a long time to spend together. I remember how glad I was when I found you, how it made my life easier to have your support. I knew I could lean on you when I needed to, and you helped me make it through some bad days.

But lately it seems that you've not been as reliable as you once were. When I lean on you, you give way. I can't trust that you'll support me when I need you to.

I'm happy for the good times we've had, and I'll miss you, but I need someone I can be certain will stand up for me when I need it.

So today I've bought a new cane.

Those of you who've been reading this journal for a few years may have noticed that I have a tendency to go quiet during the autumn and beginning of winter. This past autumn was no exception.

I do get more tired and less communicative at some point between the autumn equinox and Samhain. This past autumn I also had an extra stressful time at work, as my two colleagues were both away for a long time - one had taken six months parental leave, and the other was on a two month vacation. So I spent far too much time working, basically just coming home to playing a little WoW and then falling into bed. On weekends I'd sleep 12 hours per night, and end up unable to go to sleep on Sunday night.

All of it classical signs of stress and depression. Recognizing this doesn't make it go away, but it does give me some handle on dealing with it as best I can. Unfortunately one of my coping mechanisms is to retire from other people as much as possible - which I did.

Now the days are getting a little lighter again, the work load isn't as heavy, and I'm beginning to wake up again. I might even post stuff once in a while.

Sometimes when I bring up a topic in conversation, it gets silent. I've been told this is because when people express other views I get upset. I won't accept them; I keep exaggerating the bad parts of the world. I keep insisting that stuff doesn't just happen, that there are people who choose to make bad stuff happen, and that they're around, even in this enlightened time and place. (This is all paraphrases; I may have completely misunderstood the reasons behind the reactions.)

Anyhow. A poem. With links in it. And it may be triggering, ( which is why it's behind this cut. )

Poll #1021724 Decisions, decisions...
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: All

My husband is wondering whether he should get a ten-day free World of Warcraft trial period. What should I answer?

Two pieces of news.

This morning, my (paternal) grandmother died. I will miss her. I can't really grieve, though, because I know that she was tired of this life and wanted to move on. She was in pain, she was unable to walk more than a few steps, she couldn't stay in her own apartment any more, and she missed my grandfather who died seventeen years ago. I'm glad she's no longer in pain - but I'll miss her.

Day before yesterday I took the day off to go with the owner of Melanie to the breeding station. They did an ultrasound and we saw a tiny blob in Melanie's womb. If all goes well, there'll be a foal by the end of May. Next Friday we'll be going there for a second ultrasound and by then there should be a heartbeat.

In my last horse post I wrote that Melanie was getting inseminated. She's back now, hopefully impregnated. Eva, one of the owners, has asked me to go with her to the vets in a couple of weeks to check whether the insemination worked. I'm very happy that she asked me, it shows a level of trust and that she wants to let me be involved.

Ownership of the foal, if there is one, still isn't settled. I've told her that no matter what, I'll help out with some of the work, but I'm not willing to spend any money unless I also get a part ownership of the foal. There's certainly a risk in buying a foal, even part of one, but there's also a possibility of a reward - whether by eventually buying it out or by selling it and getting some money back.

Last week there was a dressage competition at the stables. Our small club has managed to scrape together a team for the division III league, and it was our turn to host. I was speaker, which was great fun - I got to say "Rider #XX is invited onto the course, and we ask rider #XY to be ready. The horse "Foo" is a mare, born in XXXX and owned by Bar. The rider Baz competes for the Gazonk club. And we now have the result for Bar Bazson, they got XXX points and YY.YY percent. Also there's a green car with registration number XXX YYY with the lights on in the parking lot." Being as how I love to hear my own voice, it was the best job I could get!

It would have been nicer if it hadn't been so cold (about 12C) and wet (rainy or drizzling most of the day). I was sitting under a roof, but I was still very cold. I felt very sorry for the people who had more outdoorsy duties!

One of the horses in the competition was son to the same stallion Eva's used for Melanie. He was a beautiful black, with a star, had great moves and came in fourth. But I expect that if Melanie's foal is anything like that good I won't get to ride it much - still, if she gets one that good they're more likely to keep breeding her, which is good in itself.

She's still very affectionate when I come to see her in the field. Ylva, the other owner, says she's like that with everyone. She must be imagining things; of course the horse likes me best.

Two months ago, the Big Project was mostly finished. I was worn out, as were my colleagues. The difference was that I had about a week before going on to the next project - one not as big, granted, but on the other hand about 90 % of the work would be mine.

Being me, I kept working. I kept working though I got more and more tired, through a few weeks of doing little more than working and sleeping, through a weariness fogging my mind... I realised I needed rest, so I asked for a day off. I didn't get it, because one of my coworkers had already gotten leave that day. On the day I was told this, as I left the office, I took the car out of the garage. Right at the garage doors I swerved right. As Goddess is my witness, I have no idea why I did that. There is no reason to turn right there; it's a straight exit (though a fairly narrow one). The car is scratched along the right side and the back door has a huge dent in it and will need to be replaced.

I got home and sat crying. Some coven members were coming over for a meeting, and they helped cheer me up. The next day I called my boss who told me to take a few days off, which I did. It helped that there was a holiday in the middle of the week after, so with only three sick days I got almost a week off.

I'm back at work again now. Boss has strictly ordered me to make sure to take full hour lunch breaks, and to make sure I take the Thursday morning off to go riding. My colleagues are very supportive and do their best not to lay any pressure on me - though, me being me, I worry that I put too much on them. The new project got delayed and nobody's being upset about it; any complaints are directed to my boss who just tells people that they have to wait. And we've started having morning meetings where we go through all the items in our work stack, and we check off the ones that are realistically possible to deal with during the day - and we don't look at the others until the next morning. That way I can leave work every day knowing that I've done all I should and I never have to worry about the stack of things waiting for me.

Have I mentioned that I really like my boss?

(Yes, I'm also going to get some kind of therapy. Again. Maybe this time it'll take.)

The lovely horse Melanie, the one who isn't rideable any more, won't be put down. At least not yet.

Today she's away to be inseminated. If all goes well, there'll be a foal next year. The sire is a very qualified dressage horse, dark brown, whose offspring has done very well. So if we're lucky, Melanies mother's genes and the sire's will combine to create a good foal. I've offered to buy a part in the foal, and promised that I'll help with it regardless.