Torn

But I won't.

And I won't be tired either. Because I'm stronger than this. And I hope I do harder work tomorrow. It's almost like a test for me. I suppose a personal test. And that's why I go to every call... because I can do it, and get everything else done, and take care of myself (mostly, depends on the week). Sooo... you know. Cool. I can do it, and I can not complain about it, because I don't need the justification of "Wow, that's crazy how much you're working!" I mean, it's nice... but at the same time... I know!

Who needs a break? I feel alive when I feel like this. And like I have a purpose. And I am so proud of myself that I can do it, and I am so proud to be who I am, that I think it's dumb that I try to hold that back sometimes. Just because it's not what other people think I should be? Fuck that. I am who I am. Deal with it.

"Life is one fucking beauty contest after another. Well, fuck that. And fuck the Air Force Academy. If I wanna fly, I'll find a way to fly. Do what you want, and fuck the rest." - Little Miss Sunshine

For Now:

determined

Anyway. Today... I'm depressed. Yep. Even though I've thought the entire thing through rationally and ended at a pretty solid and sound conclusion, I still pretty much feel shit on, and I still don't understand why he didn't just say something. He talked to his parents... least he could have done was mention something to me. I feel awful thinking about the month before I left for school and every time I was there since, because I can't believe I didn't think anything was wrong. Thought it was just stress. Who knew. I guess it's too bad that I'm not ready to settle down at 22. And I guess it's a good thing he decided that before he bothered with an engagement or anything. You know, he would have lost too much money on the investment, after realizing that just being engaged or married still wouldn't keep me in one place.

Perhaps I'm meant to be single. I'm fairly certain I don't want any sort of serious relationship any time soon. Like... anytime in the next three years. I couldn't handle the uncertainty and trying to hold up my own standards and be me and not someone else. I think I would lose myself. I'm not ready to hurt like this again any time soon.

"When problems overwhelm us and sadness smothers us where do we find the will and the courage to continue? Well the answer may come in the caring voice of a friend,a chance encounter with a book, or from a personal faith.

For Janet help came from her faith, but it also from a squirrel. Shortly after her divorce, Janet lost her father, then she lost her job. She had mounting money problems. But Janet not only survived she worked her way out of despondency and now she says, life is good again. How could this happen?

She told me that late one day, when she was at her lowest she watched a squirrel storing up nuts for the winter, one at a time he would take them to the nest. And she thought, if that squirrel can take care of himself with the harsh winter coming along, then so can I. Once I ripped my problems into small pieces I was able to carry them, just like those acorns, one at a time."

-The White Stripes, Little Acorns

For Now:

disappointed

Weird. Too strange. I've felt more like myself this year than I ever have before. Which is another strange sentence, but just go with it. I don't know, man. Commitment. That's the only word I have. Commit to everything like hell. Or else you'll just lose yourself in what you never did.

Your Brain's Pattern

Structured and organized, you have a knack for thinking clearly. You are very logical - and you don't let your thoughts get polluted with emotions. And while your thoughts are pretty serious, they're anything from boring. It's minds like yours that have built the great cities of the world!

In a Past Life...

You Were: A Banished Mathematician. Where You Lived: Ukraine. How You Died: Suicide.

Totally not surprising at all.

i think that would be fun. because if you were constantly covered in paint from making art, that means you would be making art all the time. and who could ask for a better living?

In other news, I'm invisible in acting class and I'm not sure how that happened all of a sudden. And I feel a lot like an idiot because I can't remember historical information, or I apparently just interpret it completely wrong. And I can't remember the one thing that I was thinking of to say when she asked about it, even though I was gonna say it earlier but I didn't think it sounded appropriate at the time. Meanwhile, I still can't drop my classes because I still don't have independent study forms filled out because I can't do that until we write out the syllabi. The play that I ordered one-day-shipping from Amazon that cost me $20 extra, I don't need, and have to buy another book, but I technically don't have to because we're getting copies, but I should have just gotten the compilation book from Barnes&Noble when I was there because then I would have been one of the lucky ones that had it. However, if I had had it, I would have just read The Seagull in the first place, so I would be one of the people who would have been doing the same scene as everyone else. Awesome.

And I'm really glad that everyone else is planning out the rest of my life for me, because I don't have time to. Whatever you want me to do. Whatever. I don't care anymore. It doesn't even matter.

Fuck.

Please know that your accomplishments are noticed. It is our sincere hope that your listing on the Dean's List is just one in a long line of awards and recognition's that you will recieve.

good job wilkes. those degrees are really helping.

For Now:	amused
Life Soundtrack:	Linkin Park - Faint

And you know, for the last couple months, any time that I've been happy, all I can think about is "Okay, how long is this gonna last for? Who's gonna screw me over next? Who's gonna give up on me this time?"

I need people more than I like to believe or show, and I don't know how to ask for them. And I wish I could find things that I lost and stop being so paranoid about everyone.

Something needs to happen.

For Now:	contemplative
Life Soundtrack:	Norah Jones - Toes

This morning, I pulled up the covers on Jay's bed before I left, so his mom wouldn't complain about it as much. As I yanked on the covers to pull them up, I saw a dime sitting in the middle of the comforter. I wish I knew what it meant.

I need to unpack. And reorganize. And pack clothes I don't wear. Ugh.

Oh, and allergies suck. I hate the circles under my eyes.

And I wish I had a face like a model. Then maybe I'd feel more like I could act.

For Now:	blah
Life Soundtrack:	Please Hello - Sondheim

monj18, nasturtium, blondebmbr22, chromaticism, vampirejenna and genericpoptart... take it and run.

-Richard Feynman