| Musings |
|
|
| 12:51pm 25/08/2005 |
| |
mood:  studious music: n/a
|
As I said in my main journal, this one will now contain some musings that I've had lately, jotted down either on spare sheets of paper, or in the margins of my class notes. Here's what I've gotten from this week:
8/22
As per usual, there's just something about an English class. We're all majors in here- nobody takes 492 as an elective. With few exceptions, there is a boundary of silence that no one breaks. Heads shift as each new person enters the room; a curt nod, a short hello- or nothing. It's quite as though we treat each room with the reverence of a library; there are very few exceptions to this rule.
Something about this studious, meditative silence is quite comforting. The short staccato jot of pen on paper, the occasional delicate, leafy turn of a page, or the restful, silent trance- these are the sounds of literature's symphony. I have scarcely heard anything more dauntingly beautiful, even Chopin roaring at full volume. The chatter does something to cheapen it all- the full roar of upper level history classes would be rather out of place here.
8-23
I wonder, really, if people miss my observance. I read you like a character in a novel, I observe, extrapolate, dissect and form opinions. I may look dull, self-absorbed- my mind's beat is vibrant, and I am observant. One day, perhaps not so far from today, I will form these things, these observatory notes into a life of their own. You will all form my Frankenstein, the cobled together monster of society's abortions.
8-23
I like people who are exceedingly polite, with crisp diction. I don't like hearing shrill vernacular, flitting vacuous and imprecise voices, blithely bleating about last week's party, or this weeks trend, or how bored lectures make them. Mos tof all, there is this focus on the self, this only-my-concerns. Silence is not an invitation to fill space; silence is fuller than the empty chittering monkey-speak around me. Talk though you may, we are all bound for silence in one way or another- loneliness, loss, deafness, death. The tomb is in all of us from the day we are born, yet we fill space, trying to grasp every possible observation, an attempt to deny mortality for as long as possible. We can't. The scythe is still hanging low over you, friend. Denial cheapens the moments that you cling to fill so desperately. You can't fill them. It's impossible.
8-24
I don't walk on sidewalks.
Perhaps there's too much of a feeling to me that a sidewalk is my prescribed path, too much a feeling like I'm being directed where to go by an unseen hand. So, I cut across the grass. I walk under the shade of the trees, treading over the uneven ground, and only stumbling occasionally; perhaps I deserve the reputation of the sure-footed goat that is my zodiac sign. It too, though, is just a pigeonhole.
I refuse to be fitted neatly into someone else's plan. You may all roll along in your mouse-wheels, happily treading what's been laid out before you, but for me, the sidewalk is too symbolic of what I am not, and what I will never be: a mindless drone who does what they are told and follows cues they are supposed to follow, too much like a trained monkey for my taste.
Enjoy your sidewalk if you will; as for me and myself, we shall take the road less traveled. |
|
| |
|
|
| |
| Welly well |
|
|
| 11:06am 13/01/2005 |
| |
mood:  creative music: hehe some music from Star Wars (head music)
|
An entry in this journal? *shock*
To be perfectly honest, I've been feeling very creative lately. For that reason, I've started working on my various writings, and even come up with some new ones... It feels nice to be able to plunge myself into work, although there is always the temptation to forget about everything else I'm supposed to be doing and just write... but I can't afford to do too much of that this semester.
So, the first thing I have been working on is the real-life Shadow's (you'd have to see my other writings about her, I suppose) story. Anyway, I figured she was acting a little... tweaky, to say the least. In fact, she is rather tweaky, especially in the relationship area. For that reason, I decided that there had to be something pretty major that would make her act like that in her past. So, I've been doing some research on repressed memories (why they happen, of what nature they are, etc), and I've decided to give her some- something that affects her very deeply in the present that she doesn't even remember. The difficult part is deciding the actual nature of her trauma and what will trigger her memories. I don't entirely want it to be the same type of situation (probably sexual) that triggers her trauma, so I've been trying to figure out what sort of mundane thing might trigger it. I've also at least started on the story for this, which I will eventually end up posting here, I'm sure. The fun part has been working on developing Lia's voice a little bit, how she thinks about this, how she would tell her story, as opposed to how I would. It could be said, I think, that sometimes I love my characters a little too much. :)
Another thing I've been working on is the actual story behind and characters of the Chicago storyline that we're calling "Windy City Chronicles" on the BACW AU list. It's set in Chicago 1922, and let me tell you, as a total history nerd, it's been a LOT of fun to kind of bury myself in that world, although more than a little difficult to get back into character for it- that's what will really take some work! In any case, I'm hoping to work on character profiles, and think up some interesting story twists for this one.
My most intriguing project is the fantasy story that I'm currently working on. To show you how strange I am, I got the idea for this one by looking at one of the 'monsters' or whatever you call them in the latest Castlevania game... this so inspired me that I came up with the idea of a character that is guardian of some sort of gate between worlds, and centering a story around her. The hard part has been actually coming up with a story- for a long time, I was just stuck on that. But, when I decided to describe her world as being full of ice, snow, and midnight sun, I decided to call it Isa (the rune of 'the ice of stagnation'). Apparently, that was all it took. I've been off on a tangent since then, figuring out how comprehensive this world is going to be, whether the story is suited for one volume, or if it is a multi-volume work (yes, you could say I've got big aspirations... and I do). So, all this involves different planes, named after the various runes, and fitting descriptions of them. Somehow, a mortal comes into the story, possibly on a quest of some sort (though I've pretty much decided that I don't want to go total fantasy cliche, so this may not actually happen)... the story is still pretty embryonic as of right now, but I'm figuring out basic ideas, and that's what's important. The mythology of this particular world will take shape first (though I'm using runes, I'm trying to stay away from using actual Norse gods, possibly because I'm quite annoyed with Folkish heathens right now)... after the world takes shape, I'll try to get the characters worked into it, and come up with a story arc that will start things off. I have a pretty good idea right now, but I'm not going to write it down just yet... you should definitely look for more ideas on this story in this journal, because I'm fairly certain they'll be profuse.
Kat |
|
| |
|
|
| |
| A poem *jaw hangs open* |
|
|
| 12:27am 16/12/2004 |
| |
mood: contemplative music: "Beyond Redemption" by HIM
|
My poetry tends to very juvenile, and at-times whiny. But... this, I wrote for a friend tonight, who's having some issues, and really touched me with them because I felt so helpless trying to make him feel better...
"Tongue-Tied"
my heart stops in midst of beating
when I don't know what to say.
I can't talk about death-
it's a topic that smothers me,
when I try to understand, empathize,
and tell you to stop chasing it
like a wild horse.
The words dry up in their shells.
Don't wish for what you can't take back.
Don't pass a barrier and become forever trapped.
the elixir of life is not happiness,
but who we are when we hurt,
when we ache alone or cry for loss.
never is it more clear who we are
than when our hearts are streaked
with honest tears.
yet you stand fallen
and apologizing for the sins of others,
as though you instigated them-
the innocent taking the fall
though there is no blood
to wipe from clean hands.
and though I want to speak
and keep the ice from descending,
the worlds tilt,
the words slip to oblivion.
Forgive me for not taking it all into myself-
you know I would if I could.
Kat |
|
| |
|
|
| |
| Little Lamb I'll tell thee! |
|
|
| 08:46am 20/09/2004 |
| |
mood:  tense music: "Kein Zurück" by Wolfsheim
|
I've been selling myself far short on creative efforts lately. Perhaps that's because I seem to have such an innate need to procrastinate about everything, and now I'm stuck having to write two papers and a show, all in one day.
Sometimes, I could just hit myself for procrastinating. More often than not, it's the only thing that keeps me from writing all the time- the fact that I never get any work done. Stupid Kat.
One day, I will remedy this problem. I don't know exactly how, but I'm hoping that I'll wake up one day and it will magically be over and done with, and I'll always do everthing on time. Maybe someone up there will take pity on me and suddenly endow me with not only the will to get things done, but the focus to do it.
I'm whining, aren't I? It's hard to tell when I'm this half-sleepy. Half-sleepy, half-anxious. That's an odd combination. I was tired when I fell into bed, and then could hardly sleep because I was tossing and turning over writing two papers today. I'm bitching about this in my writing journal because it at least relates to writing, although not creative writing.
I should have no trouble writing the Blake paper. I just need to gather my thoughts about it- it's been awhile since I've written a literary paper. As for the Dickinson explication, I think I was actually making some headway last night- although, I've started to feel like I'm using Thomas as a crutch lately, running all my ideas by him before I write them, like I can't think for myself.
Or maybe I just beat myself up too much. |
|
| |
|
|
| |
| So lost in your sea.. give in, give in. |
|
|
| 03:44pm 11/09/2004 |
| |
mood: creative music: "Ever Dream"/"Feel For You" by Nightwish (not simultaneous)
|
So, from the entries that I've made before, at least "Sinking Deeper" is finished. I'd like to post it here, but I'm seriously considering whether or not any of you are interested in reading something that depraved. Oh my. Anyways, if you want to read it, let me know, and I'll lock it all up and let you do so.
So, now I'm trying to move on... "Frozen" is something that I'm still working on finishing, but I'm not thinking that it will take too long. My only decision is coming up with whether or not I want to include her thoughts on Virgil at the end of the story. It might be a nice contrast, I think. In other character news, Fionn and Virgil so still need to work out the issues that they are having with one another.
I've also been working out issues between some of my other characters, like Sean, Dante, and Lia... I might post some of that as well, although it ended up being REALLY, REALLY long, so it will be a sort of serial installment thing if I decide to stick it in my journal.
Yeah, without getting too off track... here's what I want to do, in no particular order:
-finish "Frozen"
-have Virgil and Fionn work out their issues
-write some update entries for my other characters
-start on Spain vignettes
The Spain vignettes are my newest huge project. Basically, it's going to be little vignettes about Dante's life, which will naturally include lots of Virgil as well, but all the more fun, although borrowing someone else's character makes me slightly nervous. In any case... I have ideas for a crapload of them, which I should probably jot down before I forget... going all the way from Dante's first memory all the way to the present. It might turn out to be something that.. doesn't suck.
Will try to keep you all updated on it, if you're really that interested, which you're probably not. In any case, like I said before. It's not for you, it's for me. SO HAHA. Uh...
"Barely cold in her grave, barely warm in my bed."
Katya |
|
| |
|
|
| |
| I didn't get a harrumph out of that guy! |
|
|
| 09:40pm 01/09/2004 |
| |
mood: creative music: "Sober" by Tool
|
So currently, I am working on two stories, both of which are about my e-fed characters. I'll go off on a tangent, but I might post some snips of the good parts once I'm done... that'll be the friends only section haha. That's what you get as a bonus. See? It's like a carrot on a string before a little bunny: if you add me to your friends list, then you get to actually read the snippets I'm talking about instead of just being like "...wtf?!?"
(Story: Frozen)
Anyways... so, the first story that I'm working on has been coming for some time now, and it's the story of Phelan and Alexei. Or rather, as she is referred to in the story, Fionn (pronounced "Finn") and Alexei. So there, I'm writing from Fionn's perspective, and it's kind of cool- I've never really taken the time to know her as a character before, but I seemed to slip into her head pretty easily- I guess that means she's not quite so far from me as I think. In any case, it's really nice to 'get to know' her, so to speak. I've discovered that she's actually pretty insightful for her age (23), and it's been fun to tell the whole messed-up story of her relationship with Alexei from her perspective. All in all, I've really started to get a lot closer to her as a character. There really should be no roadblocks at all- I've got an excellent idea of how I want to handle the rest of the story, but there's only one thing that is puzzling me. It's sort of Fionn reminiscing in her head about what's going on- but I hesitate to bring Virgil (her current paramour, for those unacquainted) into the picture. The reason, I suppose, is that it's not really a story meant to make Virgil look like a saint, it's merely meant to show what Fionn went through in order to get to this point in her life... However, leaving him out would do injustice to her real life at this point, which I don't want to completely ignore. I suppose there will be a way to do it, and I'll figure it out when I get to that point. Right now, I would say that I'm a few hours away from being done. I am about to start writing about their last confrontation and how her relationship with him fell out from there, including the story of what happened when she was in the hospital a couple of years later... then I have to decide if/how to bring Virgil in.
(Story: Sinking Deeper)
The title of this story is actually a twisted little double-entendre that I did not at all intend. It's written about Lia and Dante- little background: Dante's in love with Lia, after coming from Spain to Seattle because of her, basically (long story short here). So, he's finally telling her, and she's realized, after working with him for about a year and a half now, that she may be more emotionally involved with him than she realized as well. I hesitate to call it love, because there are other complications, but... In any case, the setting is New Orleans, and the title was meant to imply 'sinking deeper' in the sense that they were becoming more and more hopefulessly enamored with one another... of course, for the pervert in us all, there's some other meaning you can insert there that would also be perfectly accurate, given the climate. Once again, I have most of the details of the story hammered out, it's just figuring out how I want to handle the end of it. I am not entirely sure what to do with the end of the story, because I don't want things to be awkward as they are walking back to the hotel with one another. In a way, I kind of go where the characters lead me in that vein, but... if there's awkwardness, it will move the story between the two of them backwards, not forward, which is not what they need, especially now that Tomas and I have worked out the details about Lia and Sean. In any case, I'll just have to write and see where it goes. One thing has interested me, though. Throughout this nasty little love triangle, it's been a consistent problem that Sean and Dante often have the same attitudes towards things, and would react to Lia's needs in the same way, yet as I write this story, I'm starting to see differences in Dante as a person. In fact, Dante as a person has really come alive for me over the summer, and it's been so incredibly refreshing... but that's a point that I will make in a moment. In any case, things are developing a little differently between them than I had expected, although not differently than I had hoped. If that makes no sense- Lia's had enough bad experiences in the past, but she's basically taken up running from it and putting up walls to keep from getting hurt. Dante, on the other hand, takes all her expectations and shatters them. He leaves her not knowing what to think- in other words, she feels kind of like she's helplessly falling for hin, and though it makes her uncomfortable... it's exactly what she needs to heal what happened in the past and balance her life out again. He's perfectly honest and steadfast with his feelings, and that makes her want to fall, and fall hard. In other words, I think he amazes her slightly, because he's a lot more intense than she thought he was, and she's connecting to him spiritually as opposed to... connecting in that naughty bits way. (Don't get me wrong, there's plenty of naughty bits involved, because that's just how they are, but... haha I'm going to shut up.)
Anyways, one of the things that I find quite amazing is that characters that I create often seem to take their good sweet time opening up to me. Yes, that means I'm saying that I relate to them like they're real people- for example, for a long time, I couldn't get into Dante's head, then all of a sudden, it was like he decided to open up and tell me his life story... and ever since then, he's been deviling me to tell his stories. =D Fionn, on the other hand, is more than welcome to share, but isn't quite so demanding... she'll wait until I have time to tell her story, and is always open to telling it to me. That may seem quite strange, but... thus is the nature of my writing. I connect with it very personally, and it's not only an escape, but a way to know people the likes of which I may never meet in real life...
I think that's enough rambling about my writing process for right now. Hopefully, by the end of tonight, or maybe by tomorrow, I will have some snips to stick in for all... two of you who are reading.
Peace and Balance. |
|
| |
|
|
| |
| Hum |
|
|
| 02:22pm 01/09/2004 |
| |
mood:  awake music: "Run to the Water" by Live
|
So... this is my first journal entry in this journal... Naturally, I suppose I should explain what provoked it, which was essentially the fact that I feel it is incredibly pointless to spout off my writing views in my personal journal in order that no one should read them...
This is my place of catharsis, my place of complaint about problems that writers have, and probably only writers would understand. I don't expect anyone to particularly give a shit about this journal, but frankly, I don't care.
If you want to read it, you are certainly more than welcome. You are even more than welcome to comment. If you're bored by it... piss off. It's not for you anyway.
Kat |
|
| |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
jawsofkaliyuga's journal