In every way. (Wait. Every way but one... which is the only way I'd like to be feeling screwed. Ha! I'm hilarious.) My arm is still totally f'ed. Resting it by avoiding massage is not working. It's hard to rest your dominant hand! Have you tried it?

I feel like I'm injuring it by accident while I'm sleeping and sleeping was the thing I thought would help it the most. Wrong.

I bought a brace for it today on my way to the movies and that has helped me at least remember that it's a mess... but I don't know how much it's helping the actual problem.

Injury aside... being alone is getting to me and I'm miserable. My heart won't be helping me heal anything anytime soon.

I was okay (or maybe I just did a good job distracting myself) with the breakup for a while, but now I'm just a sad, sad creature again. It comes in scary waves, I'm telling you. I'm without a job and without the ability to do what I can to make money on my own. Boy oh boy, it's not easy making it on my own and now it's pretty much impossible. I'm so angry about a whole bunch of things lately and no one is here to help me, to encourage me, or to make it all feel better even though it's not. I'd like to be fooled! I wouldn't mind it! Where are you, deceivers? Hang out with me. I can't fool myself all by myself.

It was great to have Dan here for so many reasons. I had a roommate and even felt like I had someone I could count on, which was a good change... since I probably haven't felt that since I lived at home. It was nice to have someone so smart and amazing around, but of course that ended yesterday and it's back to just me. And my cat.

If I had the courage to kill myself, I'd do it. After the new X-Files movie comes out.

Here from Denver, Colorado, Kim and Mike came and spent Sunday with me in Buffalo and Niagara Falls. It was good to see my best friend again!

(A Sunday off? Why, yes! I quit my massage job at the spa in Lewiston and am now a free agent, still working at A.D.I.O. and looking for another job nearer to home.)

We went to the Falls in the morning, Wegmans for lunch, had a nap, went on an adventure that mostly was a bust and ended up at Cole's on Elmwood for a few drinks.

The morning was fun too... Kim and I woke up early for massage purposes and went for breakfast with Mike at The Pancake House.

I'll be visiting them again soon... hopefully in the fall. Or maybe I'll just move there.

E (5:38:56 PM): so I have to give you back your $5
jan (5:38:57 PM): :c O
jan (5:39:00 PM): yes you do
E (5:39:01 PM): plus the $10 my mom gave me
jan (5:39:16 PM): Oooo! I'll be rollin' in it
E (5:39:27 PM): rollin'
jan (5:39:28 PM): then my utility bills will be rollin' in it
jan (5:39:29 PM): ;c P
E (5:39:30 PM): lemme make sure I have it
jan (5:39:39 PM): I think I'm going to make some alfredo
E (5:39:42 PM): I gonna pee on myslf if I spent it
jan (5:40:05 PM): I'll pee on you if you spent it

Have no fear. The old Jan is here. Here to tell you about what I did today, because I'm proud.

Today I went on two bike missions since my WRX's check engine light is on and I've decided only to drive it when absolutely necessary. The first was a mission to mail a thank you card, get some AAs for my cable remote, and buy some butter. I managed to stuff four boxes of Mac & Cheese in my bag while I was at it. Biked home. The second mission, which was one of the best I've ever been on, was to bike to Quality Markets and use their Coinstar machine. I had an overflowing glass vase of coins and I wanted to buy the new Coldplay album, so off I went. You can get gift cards instead of money for your coins, so I chose iTunes after Coinstar sorted a little more than $43 for me. I saved about $8 in quarters to buy some juice. The people at the checkout weren't too happy about the quarters, but hey! AT LEAST THEY WEREN'T PENNIES.



I biked home triumphantly with my iTunes redemption code, my three cans of Old Orchard and my one can of Bacardi Pina Colada mix.

"Viva la Vida" sounded extra good when I played it.. and I still have around $30 left to do what I wish with. I'm thinking about purchasing "god is not Great" because it's read by the man himself, Christopher Hitchens. I could listen to it on my way down to Mid-Ohio in August. Yes, of course I'm still going. I don't care if he's married.

I'm such an angerball that I'm walking around getting chills.
Everything I think about is giving me chills.

bye bye bye
the look on your face
I can taste I'm not wasting my time

why oh why
do they fly fly fly
flappin' away
I'd rather stay

with all of my hands
on all of your skin
stranger things may come from
all of your brain
all of your brain
all of your brain
could be mine
in a moment

dogs do bark
and the lambs go bahh
when the shepherd is away
I don't know why they have to stray
I'm staying here

with all of my hands
on all of your skin
stranger things have been
all of your brain
all of your brain
all of your brain
could be mine in a moment in time

Dear Life I Want,

I'm getting things done and everything is on track again, but guess what? I hate waking up in the morning and I hate going to sleep at night even more. I'm not doing well and I feel like it's because something's missing.

And I know I need to accomplish all these goals on my big goal to-do list I made on the way to Boston to get to you, but right now, I'd really like to find someone new to hang out with me or maybe even something new to do... because now is not working out well the way it is. At all. My face can't even try to smile anymore.

See?

I look done, don't I? Well I feel done. I'm not smiling inside.

I need something or someone more than myself to keep me going. My heart is leaning toward it being a new person because it's lonely here. Maybe this person will be a new roommate, maybe he or she will be something more. We shall see what comes my way.

See you soon,
Jan

Was introduced to this website a few minutes ago:
http://whenobamawins.com

Knew about this one back in March and it's still just as funny:
http://www.hillaryismomjeans.com

tell my love to wreck it all
cut out all the ropes and let me fall
my, my, my, my, my, my... my, my
right in this moment this order's tall

and I told you to be patient
and I told you to be fine
and I told you to be balanced
and I told you to be kind

and in the morning I'll be with you
but it will be a different kind
and I'll be holding all the tickets
and you'll be owning all the fines

And I had all these plans for success, but I was sick. Deeeeee. Layed. And then I went to Boston, where I had a great time but got my famous dry cough I have for months after a cold, and now I'm sitting here with a neck that will only turn to the left and right about 45º ... yeah. It's supposed to be 90º. Chin over shoulder and I can't do it!

Worst of all, I listened to this recording on the way to Boston which has motivated me beyond anything that has ever motivated me before (maybe because someone is finally telling me what I should expect for myself instead of how I can make their dreams come true) and my body isn't following my mind. Marty also scratched my thumb open. I'd really like to get back to massaging and to be able to breathe a full breath would be great too.

Have I mentioned I'm not going to the grocery store because I just can't? Yeah, a new low. Dad tells me yesterday he'd like me to make $60,000 this year. Yeah, I think I can do that... if I work on the corner. Making an acceptable amount of money really isn't my goal and I figured that out on Friday when I listened to that old recording by a man named Earl Nightingale. I'd like to make enough to live comfortably (to be able to afford groceries and health insurance, for example), but mostly I'd like to be happy finally. I know! It's a pity I haven't gotten there yet.. I've been wanting it for so long and happiness eludes me still.

The closest I've ever gotten was my time with Jason but that's because I didn't have any worries and I was in love with a dream... and most recently with Corey because he was a great person and a babe. There were other good relationships but they were too short to really measure what was wrong other than the little things, like bad breath and lack of chemistry.

I've never had the whole thing down with someone and I do really think it's possible, because I'm pretty sure I'm great. I need the right package but at the same time, I need to be the right package for them. So what I need to do is to quit being disappointing, make the most of my time, get healthy, be generous, work on my living space and myself... and when I've accomplished that major goal I set the other day, I'll find someone who is everything to me. They'll find me, perhaps.

I'd be more on my way to doing all that today, but it's hard to walk and bend over. I'm taking it easy and getting everything I can get done sitting DONE. Hopefully I can get a massage tonight, but I can't drive anywhere because I can't check my blind spots. What a bust.

I hope all you Buffalonians are enjoying this beautiful weather. Live the dream.

But I just don't have that hour at the moment...
so it'll have wait.

I've been sick since I got back from Australia and we're going to Boston tomorrow for Erin's graduation! See you all sooon.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/jannygirl

Had to.

Today, well I guess it's yesterday now that it's 2 a.m. ... I biked into Buffalo to have lunch with my new friend Andy who I met in the GAP fitting rooms. He now works at Starbucks, but he was working at the time, advising me on which size dress I should buy. Small or Medium? It turned out being Medium. And I was positive he was gay. But he isn't. He's an actor/dancer/singer/personal trainer/musician/lifeguard/swordfighter and plays the role of Charley in the new show at The Irish Classical Theatre in downtown Buffalo called "Charley's Aunt" opening Friday, April 18th. Tomorrow!

The ride was about 15 or 20 miles long and it was well worth it because of the photo war that occurred during our late lunch at Bullfeather's on Elmwood Avenue.



I didn't notice this until I was finished putting this together, but we're drinking in the same "frame" and our colors weirdly match <-- for the second time too. The night we first went out for a meal and drinkies, we were both wearing the same shade o' gray. Fun.

How do I find these amazing people, you ask? I have no idea. I guess I'm just lucky.

It started off okay, but then he mentioned church... and it was all downhill from there. Moral of the story: Believe what you will, but don't preach to me, Mister Jesus Man. I don't need it.

On Facebook:

I do not want to come off sounding corny but I probably will. I just think you are so pretty. I hope you have a wonderful day. Your smile just made mine a little bit brighter.

Enjoy the Day. Make it one worth remembering.

-Paul


Jan
9:06pm Apr 9th
Thanks Paul! :c )


Paul
Add as Friend
8:23am Apr 10th
Report Message
You are so very welcome. If you have the time or desire for a new friend, you can e-mail me whenever you like.

A bit about me: I am a kitchen and bath designer in Fredonia. I own a house in the country with 3.5 acres of land and have two dogs, Girlie Girl and Lil' Abner. I have an older sister and a younger sister. They each had a baby girl 3 and 2 years ago. I play tennis, baseball, golf, and piano. I also coach girls 12-14 soccer. I have to have back surgery soon, so I may not be able to coach this year. I attend church weekly and sing in the choir. I graduated from Allegheny College in Meadville Pa with an art degree.

Life is good. I hope yours is as well.
I would love to hear from you.
Take care,
Paul


Jan
9:33pm Apr 15th
What a nice guy you sound like! Interesting dog names. Where's your wife?

Oh... you church-goers. Silly you. Good job for going to church and singing. I used to do that and then I realized church is just another business and I can be a good person without believing in the work of fiction known as the Bible. Established religion causes more pain in this world than it creates good. Speaking of which, I have to finish reading "God is Not Great" asap.

Life is great. I'm glad yours is good. Keep livin' the dream.

-Jan


Paul
Add as Friend
Today at 8:46am
Report Message
So much to learn. I was where you are until I was 37 years old. Do not get discouraged. If you do not believe in God, why do you need a book to tell you about it? Talk about fiction. If you do not believe in God, then then there are no consequences for any of your actions. You can do whatever you want to whom ever you want without fear. You are not held accountable to anyone but yourself. Why do you think the Bible is fiction? Because you do know the authors? You do not know me, only my writings. Does that make me a work of fiction? Do you not believe because you have not seen? Do you only believe in creation if you see who created it?

It would very interesting to see where you stand years from now.

Take care, enjoy the sun filled day.


Jan
Today at 12:38pm
I don't need to be preached to, thank you very much. So you were smarter when you were younger, eh? You should try getting back to that. Of course there are consequences to my actions. There always are in life.

I'll stand where I do now, because I'm not an idiot who is afraid, like most humans are. I'm appreciating life for what it is, not believing there's one after and there's some God out there who will forgive me if I say a certain amount of prayers some guy wrote.

I don't believe in the Bible because a bunch of men who (who didn't have SCIENCE like we do now) needed an explanation for everything wrote it. And then they go say that God wrote through them to make it legit. Then all you idiots believed them. GOOD JOB.

I already have ridiculous Jehovah's Witnesses knocking at my door telling me about the end of the world and a selective heaven. It's all bullshit. Go read Scientific American.


Paul
Add as Friend
Today at 12:52pm
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Preaching? You were outspoken from the beginniing. I only mentioned that I go to church. Why so defensive? I am sure you have all the answers. Science can prove it. To be an athiest you have have the proof that there is no God. When you can prove that there is no God, please let me and the world know. For centuries is has never been proven, but all the sudden you come along with all the answers.I am sure a noble peace prize is in your future. I guess in your case ignorance is bliss.


Jan
Today at 5:21pm
No one has proof. I'm not claiming I have proof or all the answers. How many religious assholes claim they know everything, and they know god exists... blah blah blah.

FAITH. Yeah, have faith. Great. That proves everything. You're the ignorant one, dude. I have what I believe and you should be happy with that. Don't be a condescending "oh you have so much to learn" jerk. It's not worth your time. And I'm wasting my time writing to you. I can feel it!

The end. Now go away. And get a life, why don't you, eh? You're too old to be on here writing 25-year-olds facebook messages.

very tired.

and I really don't know what else to feel right now...
but I'll figure it out.

My new job (not so new anymore) is better now because of the lack of disasters. Smooth. Getting a paycheck for the first time since Ya Ya too.



I'm makin' it. I'm livin' the dream! And looking forward to my massages this week at ADIO.