For those of you eager. And brave. Here's the

Eurovision final review

1. Hungary

2. United Kingdom: Javine – Touch my fire
Christ, that girl has a thin face. It scares me. Apparently (according to Eurosong.be there was “censorship” during the press conference when some journalist asked how important sex was during her performance and was shut up by the moderator. Handbags at dawn! I think this is a cheap wannabe-ethnic-dancy-poppy heard-it-all-before thing, but some people insist on singing along with it rather enthusiastically, going “isn’t it great”. Well. I suppose if I liked Xandee I’d have to say it’s nice enough… no. No. It’s not! It’s not. I don’t know why, but it just isn’t. Perhaps because her face is too thin, I don’t know.

3. Malta: Chiara – Angel
And why is everyone so hyped about this bloody song anyway? As we speak, my lovely luscious darling is humming along with this godforsaken tweedledeemelody. I don’t get it, I really don’t. It makes me want to fall into a deep coma and never ever wake up again. It compells me to dive in a pool filled with piranha (yes, only this song, not the concept of Eurovision in itself, you bastards), to stick my hand in a deepfryer, go to a convention of Born Again Christians! Anything! As long as this stops!

4. Romania

5. Norway (ouch, bad position)

6. Turkey: Gülsersen – Rimi Rimi Ley

Turkey sure has changed in recent years. First they send a bellydancer with a harem full of German ladies (that image still cheers me up), then it’s ska, and now they’re sending in songs called “rimi rimi ley”. I know it’s not just me.… In any case, whatever the subject matter, I love this song. It seems more traditional than Sertab (or Javine –ahem-), (but then what do I know about traditional turkish music), it swings in all the right places but I fear that a too-simple-unflashy choreography might ruin it on the night itself.

7. Moldova

8. Albania: Ledina Celo – Tomorrow I go
Dear god woman, what are you wearing!? You look like you covered yourself in superglue and then had someone pluck a chicken over you! Reading the lyrics on the official site I feel that I might have been listening to the Albanian version of this song on the CD. But apparently it was English after all. You learn something new every day, and today it was englanian. All things considered, this song doesn’t really bother me all that much. It’s quite catchy. As is that dress.

9. Cyprus: Constantinos Christoforou – Ela Ela
Another Greek Cypriot Heartthrob. As I wrote some time before, Cyprus goes out of its way to celebrate the unity of both Greek Cyprus and Turkish Cyprus in the multinational feast that is Eurovision. Or to put it more realistically, there’s Turkish elements and there’s what seems like an exact copy of Sakis Rouvas in the verses. And that should make for an explosive cocktail. At least it does in this household. As long as there’s no cheesy gold-tassled bikinis I’ll promise my undying lesbian devotion to Constantinos.

10. Spain: Son de Sol - Brujeria
I was determined to hate this song due to the Las Ketchup-likeness (the Ketchup Song being the very first song I downloaded from the internet by the way… another childhood trauma exposed on the internet!) and the whole feminist controversy. Give me a bandwagon and I’ll jump! But ah… what can I say? The years of Eurovision seem to have mellowed me and I’ve started to find the refrain positively enchanting and bewitching.
It might be time to call the men in white coats. After Saturday.

11. Serbia & Montenegro: No Name - Zauvijek Moja
They may look like Pre-schoolers and I’ve heard the choreography of this song is abysmal, but on CD I love it to bits. Not nearly as good as last year’s Lane Moje, but it’s good enough for me.

12. Serbia & Montenegro

13. Denmark

14.Sweden: Martin Stenmarck – Las Vegas
How could this win over Alcazar? Over the amazing Pay TV? Since when does carefully styled and thought-through popmusic win from outrageous camp? It’s a disgrace I tell you. Carefully styled and thought-through popmusic gives you … decent popmusic I suppose, but it’s also terribly dull. I don’t see naked queens dancing to this, I’m sorry. And that is, as we all know, a criterium for success at Eurovision. No Swedish plot this year?

15. Macedonia

16. Ukraine: Greenjolly – Razom nas bahato, nas nye podolaty
The Ukranians had about 12 preselections, all carefully prepared and hyped. Then they thought “hmz, what about that song everyone’s been singing during the elections and re-elections, let’s give that a wildcard”. And yes, the Ukranian public decided “A rap song about politics. That sounds like something to go to Eurovision with.” I honestly miss the first version of this song going “Joetsjenko! Da!”, but I guess we’ll have to settle for their fabulous “lies be the weapons of mass destruction”. Ah, shoot me, but I think this is lovely. It’s got me chanting along and waving my fist towards unsuspecting grannies. Revolution is here!

17. Germany: Gracia – Run and Hide

The girlfriend’s favourite, and then especially because she’s seen this girl in nothing but a leather jacket and a bra… I never said she wasn’t superficial, did I? As for me, I feel it’s a lot better than last year’s “we can have actual music”-entry, but I’m not sure. I liked it in the beginning, but it’s lost its touch for me. Although that could be because the girlfriend keeps drooling over her… tsk. Not that I’m jealous or anything. She’s blonde for crying out loud!

18. Croatia

19. Greece: Helena – My number one

Aaagh. I’m not sure about this one, I’m not. But then again, a few days before "the" day, I’m not sure about my own name anymore! The excitement’s just too much for me! I’ve heard Helena is giving a killer performance and the song is definitely catchy enough, but something about this irks me. Ah well, I reserve the right not to have an opinion.

20. Russia: Natalia Podolskaya - Nobody hurt no one
Yes, I know she’s a lesbian (but many a Russian said that before), but this doesn’t do anything for me. I’ll admit it’s probably a decent song, but please. Where is the camp factor? I’ll bet she doesn’t even dress up in sequins. What a disgrace! And the title?! Urgh.

21. Bosnia & Herzegovina: Feminnem - Call me
Oh this was so much better in erm, Bosnian. There’s just a bonus to someone singing in a language you don’t understand (and that sounds sexy), you never know how bad the lyrics are. This is a complete Abba/Charlotte Nilssen/every other Swedish entry since 1976 rip-off so I don’t know how it’ll do. I’d be inclined to think it won’t do much, just simple girlband pop, but … there is the abba factor. Let’s see if they can hold a tune.

22. Switzerland

23. Latvia

24. France: Ortal - Chacun pense a soi

Now doesn’t she remind you of The L Word’s Bette in this photo? If this is how she dresses, she’ll be a hot favourite with many a dyke around Europe (though there is the Israeli lady… hmz… dykes have it tough this year). I don’t know what it is, but I have a weak spot for this song. It’s … it’s nice. It is. I don’t know how it is for those of you with an allergic reaction to French, but for me… Yep. I’m a fan. A worthy end to a worthy Eurovision…

Though the “worthy”-ness of it depends on the voting…
Prepare yourself on Sunday for a nice rant on political voting all over Europe. And Australia