take a picture of yourself right now.don't change your clothes, don't fix your hair... just take a picture.
post that picture with NO editing.
post these instructions with your picture.




Me, Just up in the morning, before coffee. I look best with a prominent forehead.

Just in case you didn't want to get to sleep tonight. The music is just about perfect for the video, though there's also a Benny Hill version that's pretty damned good too. :D I found this floating around in a few friend's pages, and I thought it was too terrifying not to share.

Oddly enough, most of the people I've talked to about this simply seem to shrug. "We all have to die sometime." This is true, but there's a world of difference between dying peacefully in your sleep and being vaporized by a cataclysmic event that takes all life on earth with it. It's OK to pee your pants about this one.

Anyway, I've started reading East of Eden by John Steinbeck for my English composition class, and I'm really enjoying it so far. This is the first book I've read with a pen, making annotations in the margins, circling words I don't know, highlighting passages that I really love. I see why people make a habit of it now. :)

The novel follows two families: the Hamiltons, a huge, poor but lively clan, and the Trasks, a small, tragic, wealthy group. The Trasks, in chapter three, re-enact the story of Cain and Abel in such a fascinating way. From the very first page the novel rings with the dichotomy of the beloved and the rejected, and all the reasons people decide to give their love to this one and not that one, the ways in which they do it, the consequences of their actions. It's really fascinating.

I'm really digging English comp in general, by the way. We've done a few little piddly writing exercises, but nothing worth showing here. I only hope by the end of the class I can string sentences together a bit better than I do now.

Taken from bamboofae and reahkitty, and a few other people, I'm sure.

Your result for Reincarnation Placement Exam...

Starfleet Crewperson

62% Intrigue, 66% Civilization, 62% Humanity, 54% Urbanization.

Take Reincarnation Placement Exam at HelloQuizzy

I'm not sure how true that is, but I'll take it. Something tells me I'd spend an awful lot of time on the Holodeck though. Just call me Barclay.

I've been going through a funk recently, which means that I didn't want to flood my journal with my particular brand of insecurity right now. Now that I'm coming out of it, I want to pick myself back up and dust off my journaling habit. We'll take baby steps, first, no? This meme from ladyperegrine seems like a good way to reconnect.

1* Leave me a comment saying, “Interview me.”

2* I will respond by asking you 5 questions of a very personal nature.

3* You will update your LJ with the answers to the questions.

4* You will include this and an offer to interview someone else in the post.

5* When others comment asking to be interviewed you will ask them 5 questions.

The interview questions might be a long time in coming, especially if I don't know you too well. I have to do research after all, to write good questions. :) If you want to ask me a follow-up question based on the original five, feel free. I like answering them, it turns out.

1. If being mindful is part of your spiritual practice, when/where do you feel that you are best able to enter that state of awareness/mindfulness? If not, then which parts of Buddhist teachings do you incorporate into your spirituality?

*wry grin* Being mindful is definitely a part of my spiritual practice, though it's not as big a part as I'd like it to be. Isn't that always the way?

I'm a morning person, through and through, and I feel like I'm best able to keep focused and mindful then. I meditate in the mornings, enjoy the relative quiet before people are up, and try to prepare for the day ahead. After that, there's the drive into town with Ryan, and the walk to work, and breakfast. Every thing I do until the work day starts is a reminder for me to be present, and I often take the time to make sure I'm focused on what I'm doing there. I lose that during the day, after interacting with so many people, I'm afraid.

That's the true test for me; taking the mindset I've cultivated in the mornings through the rest of my day. I'm getting better at it, slowly, but it's a process.

2. What has been the most fun part about planning your wedding to toob?

Honestly, the tuxedo rental. I have to admit I'm kind of a clothing geek, so everything from trying to find the best look to getting measured to picking out accessories was a real treat for me. I've never worn a tuxedo before, so I'm really looking forward to it.

Getting the marriage license was a close second. It was like a small taste of the ceremony to come; both toob and I feel that the institution of marriage is bigger than ourselves, more sacred, a commitment, a bond, a declaration, a symbol of being spiritually linked, no matter what happens, from this point on. The civil side of it is just a way of expressing this that everyone can agree on.

3. What is one of your favorite songs right now, and how do you feel when you listen to it?

"Humble Me" by Norah Jones. She gets a lot of flack for being so mellow, but this song just grabs me and won't let go. I've been coming out of a depression recently, so my favorite songs right now are the ones that are melancholy and weary, but encourage you to keep going somehow. Yeah, they're depressing, but there's this core of optimism buried in the heart of it that affects you strongly.

The song is about a woman calling an ex who's moved on. It's sung simply, but the writing is wonderful. The shorthand lets you fill in the blanks with whatever you'd like, and your imagination is going to do a better job of making the whole thing as bleak as possible. After listening to the song I feel depressed, but grateful in a way. I feel compassion for all of the people I see with their own private stories and hidden pains. You never know who's going through a rough time.

In a way, it makes me feel connected with the people around me. It takes me out of my head and into the universality of suffering, and it makes me realize that everyone gets down, that we're all in this together. Most importantly, more than anything most people just want someone to reach out to them when they're in pain, and sometimes the best way to relieve your own suffering is to ease that of the people around you.

4. What is your favorite body of water of those you have visited and why?

I have to admit I'm a big fan of rivers in theory, but I haven't been to one that really grabbed me for one reason or another. I guess nothing compares to the river in Kenneth Grahame's The Wind in the Willows.

Maybe it's because I live so close to it, and there have been so many memories associated with it, but the Pacific Ocean has to be my favorite body of water. The sunsets here over the ocean are just hearbreakingly gorgeous, and it makes you feel incredibly small. It's hard to fathom that what you're looking at is just the beginning of an extraordinary distance, and there's a different world contained in it. It's frightening and fascinating at the same time.

5. Which piece of writing that you have done are you most proud of?

I've been published a time or two now, and there's a special place in my heart for the poetry that other people have seen. :) My favorite writing is almost always semi-autobiographical in nature, though. I feel most accomplished when I've purged some personal demon or a painful memory in a way I think other people can relate to.

I wrote this poem sometime in 1998 that I titled "Road Trip," which is this purging process thinly disguised as a road poem. If I were to look back on it now I'd realize how loose the illusions are and how the whole thing should be rewritten, but even still it was the first time I distinctly experienced the power of poetry as communication and prayer and therapy wrapped in one neat little package. It was a rush to write, a joy to edit, and I loved reading it back in college.

These days, though, I'm most proud of any piece of writing that I actually finish. ;)

Weight This Week: 175.4 lbs.
Weight Last Week: 173.2 lbs.
Change: +2.2 lbs.

Time: 30 minutes
Distance: 3.02 miles
Top Speed: 6.5
Calories: 359

Chest Press: 100 lbs.
Bent Arm Cable Pulldown: 45 lbs.

I don't get this yo-yoing weight thing. I'm making gains with the running and I had a really good week with the diet, but it doesn't seem to have helped. I think I'll measure chest, waist, stomach, arms and thighs to see what the numbers come out to there; it could be that I've added muscle and lost fat, but I'm not so sure. Either way, it's a little frustrating. I feel great about the exercise, though, and my diet is getting better all the time.

I took a vow of silence yesterday, the first one I've tried in several years. I could only manage for a day, because, well, there's too much else going on for me to do it much longer, but I learned a few things in the relatively short amount of time I was quiet.

It drove poor Ryan crazy. :D That was an expected effect of the experiment, though. I knew it would be rough on him, because we're so used to talking to each other, sharing opinions, helping each other out with our bad memory, offering general input. One of the things this underscored is how much we really do talk to each other, and seek one another out for things, how much we've come to rely on one another for that feedback. It was honestly a worry of mine, that we didn't talk or communicate very well, but those fears have been put to bed; there's always work that can be done, but...I'm a lot more appreciative of what we have.

That being said, things are a lot better when you don't complain about them. :D I've made a lot of progress here, too, but there are times where I can still voice my displeasure a lot, and this got me to think about my reasons why; a friend of mine told me that most of the time we speak it's because we're trying to get something we want, and I've found this to be embarrassingly true for me. When I'm griping, even if I say it's just to vent, it's because I want something: either validation or sympathy, or for someone to do something about my situation. Without that crutch, without that hope that maybe if I speak up I'll get what I want, I found myself far more accepting of things I wouldn't have picked myself. Almost everything was more enjoyable because of this one thing.

This probably doesn't mean that I'll stop complaining. It does mean that I'll complain a lot less; before I gripe, I'll have to honestly consider my reasons for doing so, and the consequences of it. Does this thing really matter enough that I have devote energy into expressing how I'd rather be doing something else? Most of the time, it honestly doesn't.

In general, there's a tendency to fill our lives with noise as distraction from what's really going on around us. Even when there's no radio or iPod or television to provide a running commentary for us when conversation won't do, we block out things with constant mental chatter. We often see and hear the things around us, but it feels very rare that we're actually paying attention. Going silent, even for a day, reminded me of how much more effort I could be putting into the act of observation. There are, of course, less extreme ways for me to realize this, and I think I'll have to play around with ways to make sure I 'listen twice as much as I speak,' to use the expression.

Real update next time, I promise.

Time: 30 minutes
Distance: 3.02 miles
Top Speed: 6.5 mph
Calories: 359

Preacher Curl: 30 lbs.
Straight Arm Cable Pulldown: 45 lbs.
Seated Row: 60 lbs.
Lat Pulldown: 60 lbs.

Time: 30 minutes
Distance: 3.02 miles
Top Speed: 6.5 mph
Calories: 359

I've rediscovered Americana, by The Offspring, which is *excellent* music to run to. I now have a healthy glow.

Weight This Week: 173.2 lbs.
Weight Last Week: 175.0 lbs.
Change: -1.8 lbs.

Time: 11 minutes
Distance: 1.02 miles
Top Speed: 6.5
Calories: 121

Chest Press: 100 lbs.
Bent Arm Cable Pulldown: 45 lbs.
Stomach Crunches: 30
Push-Ups: 25

I've lost three pounds in two weeks, but I don't really trust the readings. 173 lbs. is still within my 'normal' range, so I won't be convinced that I'm getting the weight loss thing down until I start flirting with 165. Nonetheless, I'm continuing to make gains with weight training, even though since I've upped the exercises my arms give out before I can hit 30 push-ups.

I couldn't make thirty minutes today because I started wheezing way too early on the treadmill, and it felt like my chest was tightening up. It was kind of alarming, to be honest. I'm pretty sure it's dehydration; I've had scads of coffee and alcohol this weekend, without much water. Woops. ;) I really need to get to the point where I'm OK drinking water from the tap; I've gotten spoiled on free bottled water from Adobe.

Elsewhere this weekend I've been really productive. I took my college placement tests on Saturday and did pretty well on those, though this is community college we're talking about. The math test kicked my ass a little bit (but I've rediscovered the joy of algebra and trigonometry, hooray!), but apparently I did well enough that I can take any beginner's math course I want.

I registered for English Composition IA, which is the highest beginner's course they have. I'll need to make an appointment with a counselor this week, though, to explain my situation and see if I *need* to transfer my credits over from St. Mary's. The way I see it, I would rather have a fresh start at secondary schooling, and I'd like to not mess with all that business unless I have to. If I can get away with it, I'd gladly take English Comp I over again; I don't mind taking the refresher course to get me back into fighting shape, as it were.

One thing this has re-awakened in me (in a hurry, I might add), is that perfectionist tendency, that desire to do extremely well. I scored a 97, 90, and 87 on my three English tests and I was *disappointed*. I miss that. :) I know I can do better, and I like pushing myself. I just forgot I did.

Went to the comic book shop and dropped a lot of money in celebration; Illusive Comics, my local store of choice, went from being "OK" to "Fantastic" because of their sale, their owner, and the fact that they gave me a...beverage...when I asked for one. If you're local and you're into comics, I recommend these guys. They're in Santa Clara on El Camino Royale, right next to Amal's Juicy Burger.

Comic reviews will be coming again in the next day or two.

Strong opinions should never be a substitute for informed ones.

Weight This Week: 175.0 lbs.
Weight Last Week: 176.4 lbs.
Change: -1.4 lbs.

Time: 30 minutes
Distance: 3.00 miles
Top Speed: 6.5 mph
Calories: 357

Chest Press: 100 lbs.
Bent Arm Cable Pulldown: 45 lbs
Stomach Crunches: 30
Push-Ups: 20

Time: 30 minutes
Distance: 2.94 miles
Top Speed: 6.5 mph
Calories: 387

Preacher Curl: 30 lbs.
Straight Arm Cable Pulldown: 45 lbs.
Seated Row: 60 lbs.
Lat Pulldown: 60 lbs.

I really had to push hard for that last little bit. Upping the speed on the treadmill even a little bit made quite a bit of difference. I also tried to up the weights for my lat pulldown, but I really couldn't manage it. I did the other three exercises first, so by the time I got to it my arms were just about ready to give out. I think what I'll do is the exercise that I'm increasing first, then cycle through them that way. We'll see if that works.

Weight This Week: 176.4 lbs
Weight Last Week: 173.6 lbs.
Change: +2.8 lbs.

Chest Press: 100 lbs.
Bent-Arm Cable Pulldown: 45 lbs.
Stomach Crunches: 30

Time: 15 minutes
Distance: ??
Top Speed: ??
Calories: ??

We have two treadmills at our apartment's small fitness center, and one of them (my favorite) was broken. There was a line for the other one on Monday, so I decided to try my hand at running off the treadmill. I was able to go for around half of the route (which is a pretty big block) before I was winded and had to revert to walking. So I walked, ran for a little bit longer and just couldn't get my breath back. I stopped after one walk around the block.

Not sure what happened there. toob says it's likely because I was running faster than I was on the treadmill, which I'll buy, but I tried taking special care to pace myself. I was interested in lasting the whole 30 minutes, after all. I'll definitely have to try again sometime soon.

The weight went up because I ate *so* poorly last week. It was my birthday week, though, so no regrets. I'm really paying attention to what I'm eating now, though.

For the past few nights I've had pretty vivid dreams. Monday, I dreamed that really had to go to the bathroom while the Pledge of Allegiance was being recited at a public event. I knew it was considered the highest insult to leave the room while the Pledge was being said, but I wasn't about to pee myself so I left. After that, during a Q and A session with Barack Obama, the presidential candidate himself called me out for a lack of patriotism. I shot back with the charge that it's ridiculous to expect someone to pee their pants all in the name of love of country. This made him look bad, so he punished me by making me his personal assistant for the day.

The rest of the dream is a bit of a blur, but it ended with us going to this Japanese restaurant, where the kitchen was upstairs in a private space. There was this team of three old men, one making soup, the other making rice, and the other manning the meat and vegetables. I learned how to make egg drop soup, which turned out to be pretty interesting. Barack was making snide comments about my competence the entire time.

Yeah, I don't know what the hell either.

The second dream, on Tuesday, was about our wedding. For some reason Ryan and I decided to have it in the middle of the woods, and the guy who was supposed to drive us to the location (harlkyn; sorry, this is no reflection on what I think of you) was paid off to drop us in the wrong place, where we would then be tortured and then killed. In the dream, I was simultaneously trying to survive the experience and redramatizing it for a horror movie/documentary. Apparently I had this mega-whoopus scene at the end where I'm in leather and I hold up my fist at night, in the rain.

That last bit was awfully embarrassing to admit, come to think of it.

Last night I dreamed about this neighborhood of ghetto shops. Think Santana Row or downtown Eureka Springs, only with chicken joints, liquor stores and run-down pharmacies. I was getting hair extensions so I could have braids, and while we went to a bookstore some disease broke out that killed 80% of anyone it infected. 5% were immune, and the other 15% became zombies.

I forced myself to wake up after I started to be chased; I just decided the dream had become too frightening, and I wasn't having any of it. In hindsight, I'm pretty glad I woke up when I did.

I'm not sure what this all points to. I could be my subconscious jazzing around, or there could be some anxiety about various things playing themselves out. I usually don't remember my dreams this vividly, but I'm really glad my brain is finally letting me in on what it does with itself while my body isn't keeping it occupied.

Time: 30 minutes
Distance: 2.86 miles
Top Speed: 6.2 mph
Calories: 330

It's been a pretty big news day. Russia and Georgia are escalating towards open war. The 2008 Summer Olympics began in Beijing. John Edwards, perennial losing Democratic presidential runner, admitted to having an extramarital affair. It's also mut's birthday. Unfortunately I haven't had much time to follow any of these (except the last one). Hopefully I can get caught up tomorrow (though I'm not entirely sure I want to).

I'll try to have a slightly meatier entry tomorrow.

Preacher Curl: 30 lbs.
Straight Arm Cable Pulldown: 45 lbs.
Wide Grip Lat Pulldown: 60 lbs.
Seated Row: 60 lbs.

One of the treadmills (my favorite!) is out at the resident's center, and there are a lot of people wanting to use the one remaining. I figure I would let them use it and try again tomorrow and (hopefully) Saturday.

There is a new poem, "Drone," on writerrabbit. Please stop by and tell me what you think!

Thank you all so much for all of your birthday wishes. :) I got quite a few of them over LiveJournal and text and e-mail, and I'm in the process of trying to respond to all of them. You guys rock, and I appreciate all of the good thoughts. It really does mean a lot to me.

Yesterday toob and I helped andreal celebrate his birthday at the Melting Pot. mut and I had briefly considered holding our dinner there, but quickly scrapped the idea once we saw the expense. There's no way we could ask people to pay that much on such short notice! (Though this is precisely what Andreal did, and we were delighted to, so no worries there.)

This was my first time having fondue, and I have to say it was a singularly lovely experience. We had a brilliant three cheese fondue for appetizers, a 'fondue feast', which was essentially a sampler of all the meats the restaurant was most proud of, and Smores chocolate fondue for dessert. Some of the food was so good you just had to laugh out loud, it's that ridiculous.

I got a deluxe onyx edition Scrabble board (thanks harlkyn!) and a signed copy of Fables: The March of the Wooden Soldiers (thanks mut!!), and a chocolate cake from the gang at work. I'm hoping that we can invite a friend or two to help me break in the Scrabble board some time this weekend.

For now, though, I think I will watch Derailed, drink some wine, and cuddle with my dragon.

The Appetite of Time

It's nothing you'd notice at first,
a peckish nibble here or there.
Sometimes, if you weren't careful,
a larger bite when you've had an accident --
falling down stairs or off the bed.
Even then, you always healed fast and well;
these things happen and the scars
of invisible teeth became war wounds
used to amaze your friends.
Under the sucking of teeth and impressed grunting,
a nervous, timid nip...

The first holes are easy to ignore,
a thunderbolt of pain in a clear blue elbow
or an alarming cache of misplaced items growing
in the last place you'd think to look.
The scars you've birthed became more reluctant to leave,
but your friends aren't so impressed any more --
they've got their own mouths to feed.
The pocks develop and converge
towards a pattern too deliberate to be benign.
Under the gasps of surprise, the glare of dismay,
a tireless, busy gnawing...

After a lifetime, teeth become cruel.
Quietly devouring, piece by piece:
another region forced to abandonment
and a slow descent of unremarkable disrepair.
Satisfied with its handiwork, it moves on.
One by one, friends were cut down
and you realized, of course too late,
that it won't stop until there's nothing left.
Slowly, surely, flashes of pain die to numbness.
In the silence of finality,
the satisfied bruxing of completion.

-DAC, 1/26/06

One of the most difficult things about my job is dealing with all of the people. The really strange part is that I really like most of the people I work with and serve, but every interaction feels like a test in some way. Did I anticipate someone's need? Did I read their mood correctly? Was that joke really as dumb as it sounded? Was I as helpful as possible? In some way, I see every conversation with someone as a challenge; I can be more present, more helpful, a better person.

In general, I like this way of looking at things. The constant striving to be better at what I do that makes the job interesting, gives me a source of pride, makes me care about it. Honestly, when you're working as a contractor (even a long-term one) for a tech company with a broad disparity between its regular employees and its temps, you have to take your good points where you can get it.

I start each morning fresh. I meditate, I listen to or read a poem, I think about the things that make me happy. I listen to a few of my favorite songs on the walk from where toob and I part ways at the University to work. I text a friend or two. I meet the Buddha at least two dozen times. I get in, I have breakfast, I read blogs and my horoscope. (A guilty pleasure, I know.) By the time I've done this morning ritual, I feel ready for whatever happens.

Most days, even during the worst rushes, I'm mostly fine. But my inward reserves are pretty drained by 4:30, almost all the time. Luckily, this coincides with a quick drop in the number of people I have to deal with. Adobe employees go home, and the temps who serve them are on skeleton crew. The one or two people who pop up are friendly and interesting, not-too-terrible distractions from my decompressing ritual of the afternoon. This consists of writing e-mails, chatting with a friend or two, and stretching out the closing of my little domain for the last 30 minutes of the day.

Then there are days like today. My morning routine was interrupted, and as soon as I got in the Service Center was in a fine state of chaos. Tickets for a local event were being given away for free, tickets to a local amusement park were being sold at a substantial discount, and the usual crowd of employees wanting to mail things or arrange meetings or get various perks on Mondays were crawling to get their stuff done. This combined for a perfect storm that made my little domain the place to be for just about everyone. On a normal day, even Mondays, I'd say we average 12 interactions an hour, spread out over e-mail, phone calls, and face-to-face conversations. I'd say today we averaged 40.

When things get really busy and I'm not prepared for it, the reserves deplete really quickly and despite my best efforts I end up pretty miserable by the afternoon. No matter how much I try, there's always some internal mechanism that tells me "That's enough dealing with people now. It's time for some quiet." This is an impossible need to satisfy when there are so many employees coming down for tickets and packages and whatever.

The longer I go without having some time to decompress, the more obviously miserable and harried I become. I know the customers can tell I'm having a bad day, which means I can't be as awesome as I'd really like to be, and that makes me feel even worse. It's never a good feeling when someone leaves feeling a little worse because of something you did (or didn't) do. Every interaction goes from being a challenge I can meet to being a reinforcement of failure. It's a feedback loop that doesn't end until I get to go home.

Who thinks this way? What's wrong with me? I get to the point where I want nothing more than to be away from everyone, but I also want to be comforted, held, told that it's all right. I just want someone to accept my need for quiet, but be there with me at the same time. This is the time where I need my friends because I'm just so sick of people. And this is an impossible thing to explain when I'm in the throes of it. "Be there for me, please, but shut up because I just can't bear to hear the sound of someone else's voice."

On the worst days, this is my hell. Trapped in a prison of my own devising, wishing for comfort but hoping that everyone will go away. There's got to be a way around this; at this point in my life, I don't think I can build the skill-set for more solitary work anytime soon. I like what I do, when I'm clicking on all cylinders, but it seems there's a faulty mechanism in my psychology that ensures that'll never happen.

The thing that kills me is there has to be a good way to deal with this. I'm sure this is just a matter of perspective, and finding the right one'll just do the trick. I'm sure I'll find it eventually, too. In the meantime, after days like today, the only thing I can do is console myself with the fact that tomorrow I'll have another crack at the whole thing.