Don't Look Back Now [entries|friends|calendar] Seven Inch Alex [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

Just posted my first video on Google Video [11 Dec 2007|11:14pm] [ music | Strawberry Gashes - Jack off Jill ] Yup...posted my video final project on YouTube.com last night! (got taken off youtube now on google video) (http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-5401217919251292078) My final is a short video, mostly composed of found footage from popular films on self-harm. Its not the easiest video to sit thru but in my opinion its well done. Anyways, I uploaded it last night and its already gotten over 35 views and was listed in today's Top Video's for non-profit/activism at #59! Not bad for my third video ever (second on my own). Sadly my first video is a little too explicit for YouTube but hopefully I'll get a copy of my second film and post that one soon. I'm also taking video next semester so expect more to come. If you check out the video feel free to leave some comments, I'd love some feedback. Please be aware that it may be triggering for some people and is not suited for all ages. 1 comment|post comment

[30 Nov 2007|06:47pm] Bored out of my mind. I know I should be being productive right now and probably writing one of my final papers right now but that's not terribly appealing at the moment. Worked on my video project for a little while. It is coming along, slowly, but I have been working on it pretty consistantly. My prof. finally got back to me about my proposal and had some interesting points, mainly how am I going to blend my own footage with the found footage I am using, and also what is the final message going to be. She did point out that I have alot of information and footage to work with and it will be tough to decide what to keep. Right now I'm just ripping the footage I have available and taking the pieces I might want and I will piece things together from there. Oh yeah, I'm doing my final video project on self-harm/cutting. Upbeat I know but it should be a good project if I can just figured it out. I wish I could take a shower but they turned our water off this am due to construction and now our water is running rust so its going to take forever to run the pipes and then clean the bathroom. Oy. I want to go do something but I'm pretty broke and well, in need of a shower. But BORED! I haven't done anything exciting in days. Well, hung out with the lesbians the other night in JP which was fun but it feels like ages ago. Maybe I'll get really bored and paint something. Maybe not. Blah! Oh well....just rambling. post comment

Trans Day of Remembrance @ Umass Boston on Nov. 20th [17 Nov 2007|01:45pm] Please join the Queer Student Center of the University of Massachusetts, Boston for the 9th annual National Transgender Day of Remembrance on Tuesday, November 20th, 2007. Beginning at 5:30 pm in the Campus Center room UL-211, members of the community will be reading their poetry and prose and displaying their art. We will close with a vigil honoring those killed in anti-transgender violence. From http://www.rememberingourdead.org/day/what.html : The Transgender Day of Remembrance was set aside to memorialize those who were killed due to anti-transgender hatred or prejudice. The event is held in November to honor Rita Hester, whose murder on November 28th, 1998 kicked off the “Remembering Our Dead” web project and a San Francisco candlelight vigil in 1999. Rita Hester’s murder — like most anti-transgender murder cases — has yet to be solved. Although not every person represented during the Day of Remembrance self-identified as transgendered — that is, as a transsexual, cross dresser, or otherwise gender-variant — each was a victim of violence based on bias against transgendered people. We live in times more sensitive than ever to hatred based violence, especially since the events of September 11th. Yet even now, the deaths of those based on anti-transgender hatred or prejudice are largely ignored. Over the last decade, more than one person per month has died due to transgender-based hate or prejudice, regardless of any other factors in their lives. This trend shows no sign of abating. The Transgender Day of Remembrance serves several purposes. It raises public awareness of hate crimes against transgendered people, an action that current media doesn’t perform. Day of Remembrance publicly mourns and honors the lives of our brothers and sisters who might otherwise be forgotten. Through the vigil, we express love and respect for our people in the face of national indifference and hatred. Day of Remembrance reminds non-transgendered people that we are their sons, daughters, parents, friends and lovers. Day of Remembrance gives our allies a chance to step forward with us and stand in vigil, memorializing those of us who’ve died by anti-transgender violence. ©2005 Gwendolyn Ann Smith For more information contact Darby Ruggeri (ivydragonfly@yahoo.com) or Jessica Mesick (617-287-7981). post comment

Party Hell [28 Oct 2007|12:14pm] Party last night has left me feeling displaced and a bit broken. Started of slow as people didn't show until later in the evening. The music started playing, we all started dancing, I learned my ex learned how to dance, was having so much fun, and then the world started to fall apart. My ex and I were flirting and having a good time, nothing serious but fun, I started getting drunk, ex's other ex showed up and I got to stand in the middle of an awkward conversation of my ex trying to leave the party while being confronted by their ex. Me drunk. Me upset. They both leave. I spend about a half hour crying in my room alone because I'm drunk and upset at me fun being ruined, and drunk. I eventually get up, try to have fun, then join two of my three roommates in getting sick. This is fun. Mind you I only had 3 drinks, but I drank them fast I guess or party demon was out that night or something. Mingled after that a bit, everyone else seemed to have fun I guess. Passed out at some point with my contacts still in and makeup still on. Woke up dehydrated, drunk, sick, and empty. I feel alone but I don't want to be around anyone. Drunk and sick have worn off a bit. Still holding on to dehydrated and empty. I started out the night having a really good time, I really did, and then it was just sucked out of me, the rest of the night was just a daze. That makes me sad. post comment

Call for writers/artists for UMB Trans Day of Remembrance [25 Oct 2007|01:04am] I am coordinating the Trans Day of Remembrance event at Umass Boston on Nov.20th. We are looking for people to read some of their work on gender and/or gender struggles. We are also looking for artists to display their work at the event. If you are interested or know someone who may be please email me at ivydragonfly@yahoo.com. 2 comments|post comment

She/He [15 Oct 2007|03:41pm] She came with stability. The sex kitten with so many curves. Big and bold, not afraid of what others said about her to her face or in her shadow. Raw femininity. Lust. Sexuality. Sensuality. Perversion. Comfortable in her own skin enough to tempt the skin of others. She didn't judge, was experimental, passionate, and playful. She embraced the heat, the elemental fire. With her came knowledge and understanding. Truth. Power. Love. Pain. Many see her and respect her. Many do not. Some think of her as a type of vermin with the potential to plague their community. "Did you get tested after you slept with her?" "I hope you wore a condom!" As though she must have a communicable disease that she is spreading to the world (which she got thru no fault but her own). Not that STD's discriminate of course, passing to people who have had sex once or a million times, with the same partner or 300. Course if she were ever to get an STD they would simple say she deserved it. Others are offended by her body. Fat can't be beautiful. She must hide herself. Don't show your skin, its not attractive. Unless you are thin. Then you can show everything and no one will care. She disgusts them. Her breasts are not those of the pretty girls so they complain. She doesn't wear a bra (they are uncomforable). She wears thin shirts and you can see her breasts (its too hot). If she was thin and pretty would they care? She doubts it? Her clothes are too tight. Her skirts are too short. She stands out too much. She looks like a whore. And maybe she is one? Maybe she's nothing? Is she all the things they think she is? All the harsh words her "friends" say behind her back? It never used to matter. Never used to care. But today it hurts. Today she feels it. Violated. They have violated her. She has opened herself up to the world and they came in and tore her to pieces. Now she doesn't want to be touched. Now she is closing up. Now she has lost her femininity. Now she is he. He curls up at night now with the warmth of his store bought maleness between his legs hiding and protecting the vunerable female sex within. Chest bound tight so no one can see or feel. Body covered conservitively. Posture altered. Mind altered. He is lost. He is confused. He is hurt. He can't fuck. He doesn't know who he is right now. He doesn't trust you. He doesn't want to hear your theory on who he is. He won't fit your definition. You don't know him any better than he does. He is a broken man trying to heal. post comment

Video Project [10 Sep 2007|08:59pm] I'm working on a short video diary project where I am going to need some footage of some BDSM/sex scenes and was wondering if anyone would like to help me out? I'll be using pretty short clips and the more diversity I have to work with the better. I can shot as much or as little of you as you are comfortable with. Let me know if anyone has any ideas and email me directly if you would like at ivydragonfly@yahoo.com 2 comments|post comment

One semester down and a trip to see the pagans! [27 Jun 2007|12:05am] [ mood | hot ] [ music | Sound of the fan on high ] I know I hardly ever post here these days but I'm still around. Managed to make it thru my first semester back in school in 6 years with a 3.52 or something like that, anyways, I made Dean's List so go me! Still have one incomplete I need to make up but I haven't been able to get ahold of the teacher all summer. Still trying. It was quite the experience being back. It was damn hard to balance life and keep up with everything all the time and there were times when I thought for sure I was failing all of it and the world would stop spinning, but I didn't and it didn't. Actually managed to find out I'm a decent paper writer (if only I could spell, use grammar, or proof-read), and did some art that I'm pretty proud of (and some I'd like to pretend someone else did). I've decided that acrylic is not my medium of choice but every now and then I can get it to work. Printmaking and I get along well, only its the least practical medium out there that I've found so far. And school politics will forever make me crazier than I already am which is why I will never join student government. I will miss Brandon and the others who will not be returning next semester but most of them will still be around to harass me so it shouldn't be too bad. Hopefully next semester I do as well as the last, with a little less stress. Pretty please? Just got back from the Free Spirit Gathering in Darlington, MD a little while ago. It was great to see my coven again, hadn't been back there in about 4 or 5 years yet they treated me as if I'd never left. It was a strange feeling meeting with my past again in such a different time. I've changed so much since the last time I was there, and for the better. Its very difficult to look your past in the face without judgement and just accept it for what it is, yet there is always a fear of repeating it. I saw the best friend of my first love there. He is one of the few people who has known me at my very worst and most vunerable and it was strange hanging out with him again and hearing how my ex, gone from "she" to "he", is doing. Such epic moments from my past drifting thru the festival. I didn't do any dancing and very little drumming and felt less bubbly than I usually would at such events. I spent most of my time talking with my coven family or doing art or people watching, lost in thought. I have been reunited with my coven again and they will become part of my life once more but part of me is still trying to figure out my place in the community and its place with me. I want my journey to be a personal one but I need a group to get me there. I want to stay an individual while still having community. Its tricky. I've also notice that the pagan community has been largely lacking in my life. Asside from being all introspective and deep at FSG I also had alot of fun, glowsticks will never be looked at as purely decoration again by any member of our coven, nor anyone who happened to pass by our cabin and I don't think I've ever tasted so many different types of mead! Oh yeah, and I treated myself to a long overdue tattoo which I designed myself on my lower back. It symoblizes the change in my life, seeing thru illusions, and it is literally "watching my ass". :) Asside from all that just kicking back for the summer and getting ready for school in the Fall. 6 comments|post comment

I WON! FINALLY!!!! [17 Apr 2007|11:34pm] I won my disability hearing! After just shy of two years (it will be two years by the time I start recieving $) of endless paperwork and doctors and specialists and finally lawyers and judges they finally found in my favor. I have been granted social security. This means I can stay in school. It also looks like I'll probably be able to move out of my slummy apartment. Not too bad. I thought this day would never come.... 5 comments|post comment

Just in case you thought I'd vanished with a puff of smoke.... [25 Mar 2007|06:21pm] [ mood | optimistic ] [ music | Jessie Rae still playing in my head... ] I'm actually quite alive and mostly well. I am however wandering around in an arm sling these days as I decided to do a graceful dive into the sidewalk about a week ago and jammed my shoulder. Nothing is broken but I guess the impact of the fall caused a small calcification by my rotator cuff and it being unpleasant. I'm supposed to see an orthopedic sometime soon to have it looked at. Shouldn't be anything major I don't think. Otherwise my health has been good, both physically and mentally. Had my disability hearing about a month ago and it went very well. My lawyer thinks there is about a 99% chance I won my case but I won't know for sure until the final vertic comes in, and knowing the SS system that could take ages. But I'm hopeful. School is going well. I'm forever playing the game of catch up but in general I'm doing good. So far it looks like mostly A's and B's although I have the occasional missed assignment. All my teachers seem to like me and in general I enjoy most of my classes. This semester I have painting, printmaking, feminist theology, and women, culture and identity. When I'm not in class I'm usually hanging around the student center at either the Women's Center or the Queer Student Center. I was recently in the Women's Center's production of the Vagina Monologues as the narrator and our show raised over 3K for BARCC (Boston Area Rape Crisis Center). I'm also hoping to help put together a variety of events for both the Women's and Queer Student Centers. I'm planning on going to two conferences in April, Transgender Lives: The Intersection of Health and Law Conference on April 14th at the UConn Health Center in Framingham, CT ( http://conference.transadvocacy.com/ ) and the Safe Colleges Conference on April 21st at Tufts University in Somerville, MA ( http://www.safecolleges.info/ ). Both should be excellent. In other news I am seeing a wonderful transguy named Leif who I have been with about two months now. He's 22 and also a student at UMass Boston, an accounting student in the college of management. Very clean cut, very level headed, nothing at all like me, which is probably why we get along so well. He's a gentleman, treats me fabulously, and wow can he cook! And he can do my taxes, what more could a girl want! :) We aren't exclusive although he definately is my primary and vice versa and he is relitively new to the poly world so we're taking outside relationships of any kind slowly. But we both care about each other a lot and have pretty good communication and are planning to hang in there for a while so I'm pretty happy. It's about friggin time too! LOL! I also recently came out to my mother as kinky. It wasn't intentional, she was asking me about my paintings and well all my painting this semester have been S/M related so I came out with it. Her first question was if I did any auto-erotic asphixseation (sp?), which was an instant reminder of how much Law&Order SVU she watches. She also wanted to know if my partner was into S/M, which I responded that he was, though not as much as myself. The words "sick" and "abuse" came into the conversation many times. She has decided that because I was once in an abusive relationship that I'm into kink as a result of that. Of course she also thought I was bi or gay because of that same relationship. Wiccan because of that relationship. Mentally ill because of that relationship, and so on and so on... Apparently I only make choices (well, according to her they aren't even really choices because I have no sound judgement) based on one part of my past and I am only a result of one persons effect on me when I was 17 years old. I don't know about you but I find this a little obsurd. My mother informed me that S/M is about control (she told me to look it up in the dictionary, cuz the dictionary is going to tell me what I need to know about it, HA!) as if this was news to me. Control scares my mother it seems. She asked me to really think about why I like being in or giving up control. I told her its fun. She didn't like that answer. I'm giving her two books to read, "When Someone You Love is Kinky" by Dossie Easton & Catherine A. Liszt and "Heath Care Without Shame: A handbook for the sexually diverse and their caregivers" by Charles Moser, Ph.D (my mother is a psych nurse and is more likely to listen to a Ph.D than anyone else). Other suggestions on how to get thru to difficult family on this topic appreciated! I guess that's just about it for me at the moment, back to doing homework as Spring Break will soon be over! Below is a pic of myself and several of my friends/fellow cast members from this years V-Day Vagina Monologues ! 7 comments|post comment

Yikes....school starts next week! [25 Jan 2007|02:56pm] Been running around like my head has been cut off and will probably continue to do so until I finally start classes on Tuesday. My bank is being a bitch so I'm having little financial irritations galore which is making my goal of being productive all the more difficult. Was supposed to get my books for two of my classes delivered today but no, UPS sucks. Our doorbell doesn't work and they never read the sign that tells them to knock on our door. Made all new signs in sharpie and highligher and put them in multiple places so maybe tomorrow I'll have better luck. I still have a handfull of things I have to get done Monday at Umass which should take up most of my day and then classes Tue-Thu. Friday will be my day of rest. And homework I'm sure. It's so surreal that I'm back in school again, its only been what, almost 6 years? Atleast I have all fun classes this semester. Printmaking, painting, feminist theology, and women, idenity and culture. It appears I'm going for a women's studies minor. I'm not really sure why, just sorta turning out that way. Lots to do...so little time. post comment

OMG....SO FUCKING COLD! [17 Jan 2007|08:49pm] As I sit here in my room up against my heater which is on full blast, wearing pj bottoms, jeans, wool socks, a tshirt, sweater, fleece with hood up, scarf, and thinsulate fingerless gloves (so I can typed) I may be slowly freezing to death. I can't see my breath in my room which is an excellent sign but I am quite sure if I were to venture out into the artic tundra that is the currently unheated living room I would infact see my breath as Rockstar did last night. I AM COLD. 2 comments|post comment

Well fuck. [16 Jan 2007|04:48pm] [ mood | cranky ] Just found out the date of my disability hearing. Feb 15, the day AFTER my birthday. There goes my plan for getting drunk on good old valentines day. It also means that I'm going to end up missing an entire week of classes (well, I'll make my wednesday class) since my tue. class I'm missing for neuropsyke testing and then the thrus. portion I'll be missing for the hearing. Yay. Plus I'm kinda peeved this is happening so soon, I'm not sure if the testing will even make it in. Grrrr.... post comment

IT LIVES! [04 Jan 2007|01:46pm] Yes, its me. I know its been decades since I've posted and most of you were probably starting to wonder "does it live?". Well, I am indeed living, and not doing too bad a job of it if I might add. Survived the holidays up in Maine with the fam and even got to bring back some delicious rabbit sausage! (come over and I'll cook some up for ya!) Things are going well in our humble home, there are new plots in the works to destroy the hostile take over by the mice. Go Jennifer. New Years was a blast, first the party at "House of Femme" where I got a tad bit drunk...oops. Damn jello shots! And then the great Waffle Party the next morning that nursed all of our hung over asses back to health! We love "House of Waffles" :) Trying to be social and have as much fun as humanly possible before I go back to school at the end of the month. Yes, I will be a sophomore art student at UMass Boston Baby! Go me. Still have alot of shit to do before then but in the meantime gonna hit up some queereoke, the occational party, maybe try to get a hot date or two and see where life takes me. I'd say I'll try to stay out of trouble, but we all know how unlikely that is. 6 comments|post comment

Finally some good news. [10 Nov 2006|05:37pm] Just got my acceptance letter to UMASS Boston. Now I just need to figure out how I'm going to pay for it. Part one down, one to go. 8 comments|post comment

Death and Family [10 Nov 2006|01:42am] My grandmother died last night around 10pm. I got the call from my parents tonight. They were waiting till my cell minutes were free to tell me I'm guessing. Had this disjointed conversation about what the plans are for the funeral. I feel miserable that I can't pay for myself when I'm out in Western Mass and I'll have to ask my parents for money. I'm 25 years old and I still can't take care of myself any more than I could when I was in high school, atleast fincacially. Actually, then I might have been better off. Its fucking embaressing and I'll have to be poor infront of my extended well-off family. I don't mind being poor around my friends, but my family is a different matter. Its humiliating. I felt horrible last family reunion for the ohter side of the family when I had to go out with my parents several times and I always had to ask for money to pay for my meals, etc cuz I didn't have any. It was always the reluctant way they would always say yes. Now I'm anxious. I'm afraid my parentes will take their cute little shots at me like they like to do, making little comments here and there about what's worng with me or how I managed to screw something up. And I'm worried I'm just gonna flip cuz I really can't deal with them on top of a funeral. I'm really not in the mood to rehash everything wrong in my life while trying to say my goodbye. In truth I really don't want to go but I need to for the funeral itself, for that reason I want to be there. To make small talk with family I haven't seen in 5 years, in which time I've manged jack shit with my life, I'd rather avoid. Gods my life depresses me. 4 comments|post comment

Fuck [09 Nov 2006|10:12pm] [ mood | numb ] Grandma died 10pm last night. Funeral is going to be Monday. Looks like I'm going out to Greenfield on Sunday. I have finaicial anxiety and family anxiety. I'll process this all later. 5 comments|post comment

Gay Marriage Takes A Sigh Of Relif [09 Nov 2006|07:25pm] Well, since it has been banned just about everywhere else it has managed to survive a while longer in good o'le Massachusetts. Today's legislative vote got tabled! Check It Out! post comment

YIKES! [08 Nov 2006|01:12am] After reading THIS I have slowly begun to check off the states I will not be living in.... 5 comments|post comment

Not the best news... [08 Nov 2006|12:45am] [ mood | numb ] Got a call from my father tonight and it appears my grandmother will be dead by the end of the week. She has late set alzheimer's disease and has apparently stopped eating and drinking, I don't know much of the specifics. She hasn't known who I am for the last three years and has been getting worse and worse. I may have to go out to Western Mass by next week for the funeral. I'm doing ok. It hasn't really sunk in yet. Part of me made my peace with her dying years ago when her memory got really bad and she stopped knowing who I was any longer. But part of me is a little hurt that I never really got to say goodbye. There's really never a way to say goodbye to someone with alzheimers, it was already too late when she started to lose her memory. I don't know. I have some time to process it before there is a funeral. 8 comments|post comment

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