| Waifs and Strays |
[17 Jun 2005|06:06pm] |
I am happy
Those are words that rarely appear in my livejournal.
That constant feeling of drowning has subsided and I finally feel happy
Happy...happy as in I smile, laugh, and even giggle - as corny as that sounds - and I'm not faking any of it, I truly feel it.
Enough of the "h" word and the warm fuzzies.
Anyway
I'm not writing on LJ as often because I gave up with my computer and the internet.
Scott had it "fixed" by a friend and didn't tell me. So everything I had on there - music, pictures, papers - was deleted.
That is fuckin' traumatic!
So I cried, became depressed and threw multiple fits
then decided two things
C'est la vie
and
Fuck technology
I gave the computer to my sister. I don't care about it anymore.
I use the computer at work when I get the chance
to check email and lj and such
and to answer the bazillion questions that kids ask everyday
But just wanted to say
that I still read my friends and groups
because I only have a few LJ friends
and I enjoy reading what's up in your lives
I'm also shitty at keeping in touch with people
so I feel that reading your journals
is like this tiny string of connection
Happy Birthday Audrey!
A bientot
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[12 Apr 2005|11:22pm] |
Catch your breath - update
I never have time to update anymore
oh poo
However, I do have ttime to say I LOVE YOU! to Audrey and Christine
Audrey - It was most excellent seeing you this past weekend. How much better can chow-dah, cheesecake and music get?
Oh yes, it would be better if we were at I-Bar together! I can't wait until I can visit ... I hope it comes soon before I go nuts down here. I miss you. Keep looking for puppies and having fun : )
Christine - pure dead brilliant - so glad I was able to hang with you over some crazy Dragonfly cuisine. You are such a cool friend and thank the goddess for LJ keeping us in touch all the time. I'll prolly see you again soon at the end of summer and maybe we can catch some live music and jam.
BTW - Javi and Jose are coming down april 29th to somewhere in South Florida - don't know where or why, but I'm passing along the message.
Take care loves - and thank you for making me smile so much this weekend - I'm so thankful to have good friends.
And that's the end of my corny, mushy "thank you" entry
I'll update again maybe next month
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| From Writer's Almanac |
[20 Mar 2005|08:40pm] |
"6" by Hayden Carruth, from Collected Shorter Poems. © Copper Canyon. Reprinted with permission.
6
Dearest, I never knew such loving. There
in that glass tower in the alien city, alone,
we found what somewhere I had always known
exists and must exist, this fervent care,
this lust of tenderness. Two were aware
how in hot seizure, bone pressed to bone
and liquid flesh to flesh, each separate moan
was pleasure, yes, but most in the other's share.
Companions and discoverers, equal and free,
so deep in love we adventured and so far
that we became perhaps more than we are,
and now being home is hardship. Therefore are we
diminished? No. We are of the world again
but still augmented, more than we've ever been.
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| E to J to JB to YA |
[19 Mar 2005|07:25pm] |
This library job is keeping me super busy. I really have no time to update in here anymore. So now I constantly have journal entries running about in my head waiting to be put down.
Anyways - this job rocks. I'm surrounded by books all day - reading, searching, shelving, picking. I get paid to do storytelling and crafts. I'm taking over the teen programs and having creative writing and film appreciation. It's lovely.
But it's busy.
Oh so very busy.
I usually feel like a one woman "Ask Jeeves" every day - damn, kids have a lot of questions.
But then it's all redeemed when the kiddo is thrilled with a book suggestion, or we actually find that needed book for a science project or biography on a famous woman.
Blah blah - I will write more later - I'm about to get kicked out of the library.
Happy reading to all!
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| Blackberry Kisses |
[10 Mar 2005|12:51pm] |
I admit, I haven’t done shit for work this week. I don’t care anymore.
First of all – I’m sick as heck and should be resting because
Second – I start my new job next week and don’t need to be hacking up my lungs while around children and
Third – I’m staying at this job working Saturdays until they find a new hire. So I’m in no rush to “wrap up” things. Nobody has a clue what I do anyway.
Otherwise, I am a maniac right now. Truly. Besides having this flu and hallucinations from the medicine, I’m also having problems sleeping. I’m barely sleeping, my mind won’t rest and I can’t stop coughing. I think I might be anxious about this new job. I have no idea what to expect. I’m still not even sure what time to be in on Monday and where to go. Eek! I better call someone about that.
Like a maniac, I lost my paper journal amidst the organized chaos I live in. The problem with organized chaos is that it takes a while to figure out the organization. I just don’t have the patience for that right now. I feel so lost, though, without something to jot down notes in all day. So I wrote my long entry on my computer last night. It ended up being 4 pages, single spaced, 10pt. That’s sick. I would never post that on here. But this is just to remind myself why there are gaps everywhere in my journal, rather journals. So later on in life I’ll have to devote a great deal of time piecing everything together. That may be fun.
I’m leaving work in 30 minutes. I plan to go to the beach. Mum says to sweat out the cold and I have no objections to that. She also wants me to try some homemade tea with roots and grasses and whatnot in it. I’ll pass for now.
I have so much to do and feel too sick to do any of it. Is that a good excuse….a whiny, “I was siiiicccckkkkk.” Blah. The only comforting thing to do right now is read. Another maniac trait. I have been reading and reading, like intense, like 3 books in four days, like whoah. All books you would find in the children’s section. That’s the only way I can label them right now. They are more than just “kiddie” books. These books have captured my imagination more than anything I ever read in college (beside maybe sci fi lit and Julia Alvarez). They are sweet, humble works, stories that grab you and you end up talking about the characters and places like they are fond friends and memorable experiences. Most of all, beside being enriching, they are affectionate. That’s what a good book should do – affect you. This must be why I can’t sleep! I go to bed just thinking over these books for hours. So I’m going to list my favorites below that I recently read. This is just a start, what I did in the past two weeks that made me truly happy when I couldn’t ride my bike, and my nose was running, and I had a fever.
Catcher in the Rye – Salinger
A Wrinkle in Time – L’Engle
The True Confessions of Charlotte Doyle – Avi
The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe – CS Lewis
A View From Saturday – EL Knonigsburg
Walk Two Moons - Creech
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| keporex kleenex - mes yeux! |
[08 Mar 2005|02:49pm] |
I planned on writing a long entry about this weekend and such.
However, since I live in prehistoric times with no internet, a computer destroyed by adware, and a car with slowly failing brakes this long entry will never be printed in here.
Why?
Because I wrote it all out, handwritten!, on the nauseating yellow paper my father has all over the office. Wrote it yesterday, planned to post it at work. But now I’m sitting in this stupid cubicle and some miniscule piece of dust, lint, whatever has drifted into my left eyeball and irritating the hell out of me. I am Cyclops!! Squinting with one blurry eye, while the infected eye waters and blinks wildly trying to expel this nuisance. Ahhhhh! And my pink eyeshadow and green mascara is everywhere.
Make-up. I bet that’s what caused this problem. Damn you!
I would ride my bike to FAU and post later, but it’s windy (gale force windy) and rainy, and I have the flu and some upper respiratory virus that has been fully attacking my body since Saturday. The meds make me dizzy and lightheaded and I’m hacking up a lung every few minutes. But man, my abs are getting ripped from this coughing. I lost 15 pounds since I last saw the doctor in August. Which isn’t surprising since I’ve been training for the MS ride and then ravaged by this flu. Yet, this caused alarm because of past crap. Good alarm, though, because daddy gave me money for food shopping and I used it on just that. Truly scrumptious. I’m so happy to have good food. Good food doesn’t equal good sleep. I can’t sleep! I read a whole book last night. Granted it was a YA book, only 160 pages, but still! Geez!
Shit this is long for writing in discomfort with one eye. This medicine is making me delirious. I need to leave work.
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| Feeding the journal |
[04 Mar 2005|10:05am] |
| [ |
music |
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Tim Finn - Feeding the Gods |
] |
Ack
I've been listening to a steady dose of Tim Finn
Man, his stuff rocks
It's amazing, all these music snobs who run about college campuses and such
All into their indie rock (which I am sucker for too) and being "scene" and being all in touch with their retro 80's side
Yet, I have met not one person who know a damn thing about the Finns
except for Sarah, Scott's sister, but she's a madwoman living in Brooklyn (and very much like me).
Rarely does one connect when I say I love Crowded House or Split Enz or Neil Finn or Tim or Bic Runga or sweet Johnny Marr (Smiths guitarist, hello?)
Their music is simply amazing and I just can't grasp why so little people know about them. The more I listen to "trendy music" the more I realize how much these bands have influenced their sounds. And, I prefer the old sound better.
I'm being bitter, yes, but it's frustrating.
But at the same time I'm really excited because I read entries in the Crowded House journal and realize there are the few out there who expanded their horizons beyond what people tell us what's "cool" (or had their parent's pass down old crowdie tapes) and took the time to listen to the albus over and over again. The lyrical poetry in the music is phenomenal. If I had to list my favorite poets - the Finns would be right up there.
Oh! It irritates me so, to be passionate about something so strong and so few appreciate it. And especially those that I take the time out to make copies for and tell me later they couldn't listen to it. It wasn't listenable! It was boring! It was cliche?! What is that!
Well toss it out the car window, you deaf jerk!
The nerve.
At least I tried to spread the music.
And that was my rant for the day
Soon I will write a real entry
soon
back to music
EDIT: how I love eclectic rock! Just reading some emails from a frenz newsgroup about ties between the Finns and Wilco... and that Wilco did a cover of I Got You. I do remember a Wilco drummer of guitarist playing with Tim Finn but I didn't know they did covers.
Very Cool
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[28 Feb 2005|02:43pm] |
This weekend was dreary
an overcast birthday weekend
I didn't do much, because I really didn't want to anything
I think I'm getting sick, so I'm on the OJ prescription
I did get to see Finding Neverland and it was absolutely wonderful
Fantastic - I'm truly excited to work with children now
Otherwise, I sat around and read most of the weekend
dreadfully exciting
the weather was so threatening
and all hopes of going to the Ren Fest were squashed
because I kept hesitating "It might rain!"
Dammit!
Here's a link to my site for the MS 150 RIDE http://www.nationalmssociety.org//FLS/personal/default.asp?pa=51550715&pd=FLS0EMS120050416BKL
and I posted my poem behind the cut. It's not a fantastic or deep poem, it's just stating a cause.
I felt like writing a poem the other morning
so I did, and like I said, it's simple (and unedited).
( Read more... )
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| Qui plus sait, plus se tait |
[25 Feb 2005|01:05pm] |
I'm brushing up on my Newberry classics
and a few other childhood faves
for my new job
They're wonderful to read
Amazing how I read Island of the Blue Dolphins
or The Secret Garden
differently now
I'm a different person, a different mind almost!
I love A Wrinkle in Time
L'Engle is genius
How many books start with the line:
"It was a dark and stormy night."
And morph into a magical, timeless tale
How she explains science and faith is amazing
And more and more I see paralells between
Ender Wiggins and Charles Wallace
Child geniuses
(Side note, a.k.a. another sci-fi paralell:
Watched the movie The Forgotten last night.
It distinctively reminded me of Childhood's End and the Overlords)
Anyway, I wrote a long entry about Nashville and all
and didn't post it cause it's enormous
Wrote a simple poem for the MS Ride also
I'll post that later
My job is boring on Thur and Fri
Hideously slow.
I dream in music so often,
it's delightful
a soundtrack to my dreams
Funny enough, the people in my dreams,
in one part,
were chanting something I remember
from a long, rainy pre-lims in Orlando
during tour for Drum Corps
went like this:
"Rain, Snow, Lightning, Thunder
We are the guard that won't go under
-Rain-
-Snow-
-Lightening-
-Thunder-"
(repeat and repeat and repeat)
It's corny, yes, but hysterical
for reasons unknown it permeated my dream
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| Libarry |
[22 Feb 2005|02:32pm] |
Hey Hey
I received the call today
I got the library job!!!
SWEET!
I now feel heaps better, utter relief
I’ll actually be using my English degree for some useful purpose
It only took a few months to get things rolling
I’m so into this job
So, by March 14th I’ll be out of this miserable cubicle
Magically transformed into a happier person
and spend my days working in the Children’s library, telling stories
and working the Young Adult section
It’s so perfect.
Well, it seems like it, Who know until I'm actually there
Ugghh
But for now I am still swamped at work
I want to make a real update
Looks like it will have to wait
I just had to take the time to scream out my accomplishment
I’m boasting, I know, I’m just so happy
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| Hummingbird |
[18 Feb 2005|12:10pm] |
Lunchtime Liner notes
Just heard this in a Wilco song:
a cheap sunset
on the television set
I love those two lines
i love how they sound
Christine - you would be proud of me
I'm currently addicted to this radio station in Seattle:
www.rainydawg.org
I'd like to play the harmonica also
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| Kenockty commie mute |
[18 Feb 2005|09:58am] |
I’m not even going to start
about the mess I got myself into
All the messes
I swear I feel like my aura
is surrounded by a rubbish heap
of vomity mess
The worse part is I know it’s going to happen
I prepare myself
I say, "Don’t do it!"
and then I do it, because I’m compulsive, irrational
because I’m lonely, dramatic
Who knows, name the excuse
and then I lie
It’s crazy, but I feel like my life was helluva steadier
when I was performing or taking classes
because I was entirely passionate about those things
It’s like your heart beats differently, stronger,
and you breathe with this rhythmic energy
that’s passion
because you love what your doing
Now I just feel suffocated
and I have mini spasmodic heart palpitation attacks daily
like everything inside me is bursting at the seams to scream out
My only release is to ride my bike for tortuously long expeditions
or listen to loud music – music can be a goddess –
or read, and visit what isn’t real, because like many others
I sometimes prefer to live in fiction, cliché cliché
I rant in my journal about these things - my own personal drama -
Maybe it’s another release, it feels good to talk with myself
even if it’s in crappy form
I hate the Internet lately, hate email, hate IM,
Hate my cell phone that nobody calls, hate TV, hate the movies
I just want to be mute... I think that line was in a poem
by Rita Dove – about the Australian writer
who never learned to cook because it robbed creative energy.
I don’t know... but lately I just like to absorb
Absorb everything, absorb people, and not talk and all that rubbish
Seldom does anything good come from me talking lately,
or any other communication for that matter
Otherwise, I’m thrilled to get on a plane tomorrow -
Changing planes – traveling always sparks excitement
Much needed excitement
Going to Nashville, see my favorite Kiwis in concert,
Roading through mountains and farms to Knoxville,
I love my family there, everything has this warmth
In TN with my family – a great warmth.
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| V-Day and B-days |
[15 Feb 2005|09:38am] |
Taken from Writer’s Almanac:
Valentine's Day, originally the Roman feast of Lupercalia, is a celebration of fertility. In 270 A.D. the holiday was Christianized (and the date changed from February 15 to 14) to commemorate the martyred Saint Valentine. By the late Middle Ages, the modern tradition—of exchanging paper love declarations, called 'Valentines'—evolved.
Feb 14th, next year
My plan is to stay inside and read a book
I hate this effin false holiday
Just an excuse to spend money
And I fell prey to it. Stupid stupid Allie.
( V-day mayhem )
Thank you Scott, you killed my gift for you.
The worse part is that he doesn’t seem to care.
So I go to bed immediately after we arrive home and blatantly ignored him this morning.
I could throw that fish bowl at his face.
Today, I’m riding down to Hillsboro, then back to Camino and up 4th, then through FAU a few times and back home. That should take plenty of time. Then I’m going to B&N to stock up on birthday cards and read a bit. And, not have to look at Scott.
Oh yeah, why so many birthdays in Jan and Feb? I’m going broke over this.
Everyone’s parents were getting busy in spring I guess.
Like the animals.
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| bicana tawna runga |
[10 Feb 2005|11:06am] |
Brilliant ideas --
Like trying out new cocktails
After you’re aching from riding 20 miles
And your boyfriend is zoned out in front of video games –
Just don’t seem that brilliant in the morning
I think my splitting headache is finally subsiding
Ah, no, it isn’t
I was so stupid; there went my whole night of fun.
I’m floating in two positions today at work. It’s dead boring.
However I’ve found new absurdities to note:
1) I’m using this woman’s computer and she gets daily emails from The Feed Room. One from yesterday was titled: “Deadly Attacks in Irag/ Best Super Bowl Ads.” How can those two go together! Atrocious! America, you often make me want to puke all over you masses of asses.
2) I’m processing applications and resumes. Sometimes I’m nice and fix misspellings. Other times there’s no hope. Texas and Oklahoma are currently leading with the most misspelling applicants. I thought this was pure idiocy: Under the question “When are you available to work?” Two applicants, yes 2 occurrences, yes 2 people actually wrote “Iny Time.” I truly want to rip up their application. Especially from someone with the email address: CrazyWhtChic
3) I’m still not allowed to lock my bike any in our building, not even the compromised stairwell that smells like piss.
4) That we have to set personal goals and chart them.
5) It’s like high school! Dress codes, dismissal slips, questionnaires, homework, bribes for efficient work, lunchroom cliques and gossip.
Otherwise, I plan to zone out for 90 minutes listening to my I-pod. Newest CDs on my list are the Snow Patrol, Bic Runga, Martyn Bennett, Graham Colton, and some band a friend is raving about called H-Beam.
Ireland Music Awards are on the right track…. http://breaking.tcm.ie/2005/01/11/story184209.html
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| Just your typical update |
[09 Feb 2005|10:18am] |
Life without school sucks
Said as blatantly as possible
My social life has dropped to a big fat zero. I never realized that colorguard and university constituted nearly all my socializing. I don’t even have to be communicating with people, just being in the colorguard or university atmosphere and being around everyone all buzzing about – that was enough social interaction. And that is what I'm so desperately lacking right now. I sometimes will go a whole day seldom muttering more than a few sentences. Even Scott doesn’t talk to me much because lately he is either pissed over his injury and moping around grumpy, or he is out with his friends drinking after work until 9 or 10pm.
I would love to have some homework. To attend a class, go to a lecture, be in a club. It’s a shame that I’m so strapped for cash right now, cause maybe I could take a night class or join a gym or club. Dammit!
I didn’t want to write all this in livejournal. My paper journal is sitting next to me. But if I’m seen writing in it at work then all the little spies around me go and tattle. At least typing away at this entry makes it seem like I’m working. And work is such a godawful bore. Every continuing day that I work here my intelligence is insulted more and more, until it depletes I guess.
At least I’ve kept up with my riding. An hour a day puts me in a good mood, at least for that hour. Yesterday I was nearly run over by a truck hurtling into a right turn. It must have turned out of a parking lot, I caught it just in time to slam on my breaks and gracefully (not really) skid into the ground. Of course, I didn’t think to unclip immediately and I have the nastiest set of cuts and scraps on my legs. And of course, the driver kept going. I kept going also. What the hell, I could walk fine and wasn’t bleeding much.
I’ve also crocheted a shoebox full of heart and flower pins for the show this weekend. If they don’t sell, I’m going to sew them all into something useful, whatever that may be. It's V-day soon. I despise that commercial-driven, snively, lovey-dovey holiday. I'll be sewing ungifts if anyone wants one. One will a stuffed, red felt heart with pins in it (in honor of a Tim Burton drawing); and the other will be an evil love bug. I plan on drinking a bottle of red wine for myself.
So, I’m making tonight exciting because: One, I’m on strike and not cooking any dinner for Scott; Two, I think he’s going out again; Three, I’m taking myself to Starbucks and movie with the last $14 in my bank account. Yes! Writing about it actually makes me excited. If the cubicle spies quit nosing around, I might finish reading my book. Some days I just sit around and WAIT for work. Corporations are so inefficient. Otherwise, Balzac and the Little Chinese Seamstress is an awesome, quick read. I’ve been dreaming about it the past two nights. I need to join a book club. Hmm.
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| Changing Planes |
[08 Feb 2005|02:18pm] |
"Even though a bird can fly, it must land on earth"
Stuck in AllieReality
Time is all warped
Geez, what am I doing?
Somebody needs to shake me out of this
or maybe something in the water is numbing my mind
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| Hideous Kinky |
[07 Feb 2005|12:21pm] |
The weekend is only uneventful
When I make it seem that way
Damn, with no school I have oodles of free time
I’ve never had before
Thank you to years of colorguard
I still forget what to do on the weekends without it
Like …:::gasp!:::… sleeping in!
Or just lazing around all day
My madwoman training for the MS ride took the backseat
On Friday and Sunday
Friday I ate a poison yogurt and felt like my intestines were
Exploding until Saturday morning.
I also came upon research that Splenda, aspartame and other
Artificial sweeteners are going to be the death of us all
Truly – truly – it is true – you body cannot digest chemicals
We might as well just all drink Agent Orange with our already fluoride injected water.
Oh wait, the makers of Agent Orange also have a hand in making Aspartame
Hmmmmmmm
Like I said before
I have a lot of free time
So here’s a cut for the rest ( Read more... )
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| Smores for Dumbledore |
[04 Feb 2005|09:29am] |
I finally feel full of life
almost glowing and warm
Geez I must be bipolar
because I fear the feeling
is fleeting
It makes me nervous to feel this great
like I don’t deserve it
or it’s superficial, or I’m going to have to make up for it
by letting go of one of those radical things
that makes my life bounce around everywhere.
Then I think about death
I dreamed about it
and there were butterflies everywhere
I think the alarm blaring NPR
was infiltrating my head
Butterflies filled the air and landed on someone’s shoulder
I also have the sudden urge to spend
Money money money
on either
Season 2 Farscape box set
Or the whole season of My So-Called Life
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| Opus Optics |
[03 Feb 2005|10:14am] |
OH wow
forgot to write about this
I started writing again
Maybe if I write about writing then it will motivate me
to finish what I start!!
I want to, but I get lazy
I think it will be titled
"Do You Dream in Music?"
short story
inspired by reading Children's books yesterday
and a dream I actually remembered
about waking up and not being able to talk
and the only sound coming out of my mouth was
the sound of a harmonica
FINISH
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| Lenni tatart |
[03 Feb 2005|09:59am] |
Yesterday
was surreal
in a lovely exciting way
Actually got to work at 8am
on time - amazing
Acutally finished my work before 12pm
Interview at the West Boca Library 1pm
I was the first to be interviewed
out of 13 applicants!
It wasn't torturous at all
It was thrilling,
for someone with no library experience
I made myself sound grand
Had a great time, Had to answer many questions
Discuss books, discuss ethics
Recited my favorite poem by Rita Dove
Had mock storytelling with a book about
a pigeon eating a hot dog, guest starring the little duckling
Thank goddess for many years of colorguard performing skills
Walked out smiling (and praying they call me back in 2 weeks)
Happy Birthday Mike - yesterday!
He would have been stoked to see us all doing this
12 people inked in honor of Mike
We all got these awesome celtic knots like his last tattoo
I lived through it, the girl terrified of needles
It was fine
I'm up for more. Every year I'm getting something for Mike.
He will never be forgotten
he is now permanently etched in memory on my skin also
Art for Mike, painful art, is perfect.
His mum, dad, aunt, uncle, sister, cousin, everyone
was there ... and we still have more people to go
including my father
Also, a bench and two trees
were put in Fig Tree Park
in memory of Mike
I'm having lunch there this weekend.
I miss you Mike.
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isleskye's journal