iowabarbidoll

You know?

One pattern that frequently repeats is my stupid reaction to being ridiculed for being overweight. This is something that I have been dealing with since I was eight years old. (Well, there was a brief time where I wasn't fat, but at that point, I still FELT fat after the daily bullying that I put up with through out school.) And when I was eight years old, is where this pattern started to weave. Someone says something that is just plainly unkind about my appearance, and I laugh and act as unoffended as possible. But that isn't how I FEEL. ANd I've finally come to realize that this incongruancy really messes me up. This internal fight with myself over what I SHOULD be feeling or how I SHOULD be acting instead of accepting, "Hey, that guy is an asshole, it hurts my feelings when people make fun of my weight, so that he or anyone else says that shit I need to let them know."

Yet another attitude self-improvement I need to make. These are hard to do. But not as hard as losing a bunch of weight. So there you go.

Oh well, it just adds another layer to my dislike of this job. A cute guy keeps telling me I'm fat. It's like school all over. I gotta get out of here. But is it worse than I used to have it with the boss with pornographic DVDs in all the filing cabinets AT WORK- and showing porn movies to male customers in front of me...is EVERYONE a jerk? Man, it sure seems.

In somewhat more INTERESTING news, Xylia has almost gotten through one week. ^_^ YAY! So far, response has been good. Course, there are only TWO PAGES!!! Not much to go on good OR bad. Miss Elle has created some wonderful drawings of Claude that you must see in the forum! http://xylia.free-forums.org/xylia-about57.html

Back to work. Back to work.

~B

http://www.drunkduck.com/Xylia/

I put up an ad on Webcomic list. Right now, my rank is 444 story on Drunk Duck. Lets see where we can go with this! ^_^ It still amazes me to think that at one point Talismen was in the top ten of everything when I see how many webcomics there are. Its mind blowing. Like 9000 something on webcomic list. But Im sure several of those (like Talismen) are inactive.

I just got a message that someone cant see it. Huh? Problems? And Kezzie is gone until next week. WHAT SHALL I DO?!!

~B

And then, I draw a truly scary card. The scariest of all. And now I will see what strength I truly possess. Amazing what a paradigm shift it creates. How unimportant things suddenly seem.

Thank you to all of you who are kind enough to take the time to respond to my rants and whines in this little journal. Most of you are much younger than I am, but you have a fresh, unjaded perspective that I lost long ago, and I appreciate hearing again. I think that is why I post such personal things here. It's like having my younger, more exuberant self answering me.

But mostly, thank you to those of you, like Liria, who call me out on things- make me face the music. Again, I must apologize to her for having been a drama queen and not doing what I said I was going to do- to be up front and say, "Dudette, that stings!" I really appreciate what she did, and how it made me look at one of my true shortcomings- the turtle shell.

I'm going to say now that I'm not going to be proud any more. I'm going to need you guys. I'm goign to need anyone who wants to be there. Monday is a scary day. And it may get scarier.

No, I'm not talking about Xylia. ;-)

Actually Xylia seems suddenly 'shinier' to me now. I appreciate and see what it really is, and I'm not worried about updates and popularity. I just want to enjoy it, and to hope others do too, but it will really be my island. Not an island for hiding, but to enjoy and share.

~B

So sleepy today. You know, this is the last weekend that I will have 'me time' for about four weeks. The ex is going on a two week vacation to Washington State, again leaving me with all of the beginning of the school year responsibilities. Although he's never helped with that in the past, so why would that surprise me now? I don't know, becuase our son is going into high school?!

Anyway, I started working out again, and my body is damn sore. My brain is shut down from exhaustion from the constant barrage of daily worry and issues I handle solo, too. I guess I was never cut out to be an adult. Certainly not an old one. Ah well. Not too sad, just paranoid and scattered today. So it's slow going doing any art...

Blather stuff:

The last HP book is out, and I don't have it. Not sure when I will becuase I don't have time to read, and neither does Jeremy. He's getting ready to play at a party with five bands that his band is 'headlining'. ;-) Wish I could hear em. I'm too old. Actually I'm going to a different party to see different bands that night. Ha.

One happy thing that I have enjoyed this week is the release of Crowded House's first album in over ten years. Neil Finn is one of my favorite singers and my absolute favorite songwriter and has been for better than twenty years now. His writing has depth, sensitivity, whimsy, and melodic beauty that I personally think is unmatched. His songs often take on multiple meanings and are full of symbolism and lyrical twists as well as unexpected chord changes which is something I love.

This particular album takes a bit of getting used to, even for a die hard Finn freak as myself, becuase it is washed over with his sense of loss over the suicide of Crowded House drummer Paul Hester. But it's wonderful, like everything else he's done. If you think that CH is just "Don't Dream it's Over", well that's when Neil was a kid, and he has definately grown as a songwriter with every year. Course, if you are into thrash or hip hop or bubblegum music, I suppose this wouldnt be for you, so never you mind. ;-)

The House in their heyday - Neil, Nick, and Hessie

Music is starting to creep into my mind. After a three year hiatus from doing anything musical, I'm starting to lean towards it...a little...no...I'm not. NO!! Music is twisted oddly around some personal pain that must be extracted from my soul like a thorn in a paw for me to accept playing again. Besides, at this point my voice is very atrophied as well - I think I have a four note range.

And then there is time. Time time time... Two things I manage poorly- money and time.

Still, I wonder if CJ is reading this- he pops in here from time to time. If you are, CJ- are you in a band? I don't think Jill is. I'm not. And I know this kid who plays a mean lead guitar (he even plays VH) and he'll play any song I tell him to, too, or he won't get any dinner...

Straight Up ca. 1990, complete with mullets, big hair and acid wash jeans.

Hard to believe that Jill, CJ and I formed that band twenty years ago. Twenty years.
Where did that go?

Enough with the nostalgia.

~B

We had tornado warnings in these parts last night, cutting into my 'Me Time' drastically. And Me Time is the only time I can do art, and sometimes not even then. The kids were safe at their dad's, but my son called and insisted that I go to the shelter or to my parents (who have a basement) when the sirens went off. I would have stayed home.

So Deek (the infamous min pin) and I drove the quarter mile down the road to my folks, hung out there for a couple hours and then I went home.

That's when the 'fun' happened.
Well, Deek thought so.

In our mad dash for shelter, I didn't put Deek's collar or leash on (Deek is a nudist and prefers to be collarless at home) and I just carried him to the car. So when we got back from my parents, I figured, "Deek hates rain and cold, I'll just set him down in the driveway and he will just follow me to the door."

Uh, no.

That dog took off in the rain. If dogs could laugh, Deek would have been. (In fact, I think he was.)

In between yards he jogged, with me running behind yelling. Both of us soaking wet. From time to time, he would slow down just to let me catch up, and then he would take off again.

After twenty minutes of this, I lost sight of him. I started walking down the street towards home to get in my car, when I looked behind me and there he was, twenty feet away, trotting towards me. When I turned to face him, he stopped. "AH! Round two, huh, lady?" So I turned back around and kept heading home. And he kept following.

By the time I rounded our driveway, he was walking beside me and then shot up the stairs.
"I'm wet! I'm cold! I want food!"

I'm getting a cat.

~B

I still don't have page 4 done.
I hoped that I would finish it tonight, but that didnt happen.
If you reading person are interested in seeing the teaser on the site, go here please.
http://www.drunkduck.com/Xylia/

Oh my, I have some nice comments I need to respond to, dont I?!!

Finally saw Ratatouille. I loved it. I knew I would. So many parts I loved. The detail is astonishing. The way they render hair. And reflections. And expressions. Unbelievable stuff...

I have rewritten Xylia in my head again. IT's shifted again. Chapter 1 is NOT called The Garden.
I'm sorry.
It's called, Dr. Ambrosia's Door.

La la la la....

For now.

Claude becomes more complex.
Xylia becomes more...personal?
The bad guy's name is Deimos. But there is another bad guy. What is his name? And bad girls.
And Xylia comes from somewhere now!! Finally.
Did I tell you about Livy?
AH HA HA!!
Oh the scene with the girlfriend and the flashlight...oh this is so funny.
And the garden...
The fireflies...the butterflies
The shovel fight... Oh that Deci. She is so tough. But who knew the skinny guy had sword skillz...
The fashion show...evil fashion. Paris Hilton, step aside....
That boat...way back.
My brain is mushrooming into crazy spirally things.
Can you tell?

Oh and Ceri! I know about that watch. Finally. Hee hee.
The Stop Watch.
Stop.
Watch.

AH hA HA HA HA HA HA!!! Crazy brain. Crazy.

~B

(Claude is not naked in any of these pages. Not really. Well, he is, sort of.) <--------teaser.

ANYHOO-

Kezzy is in the midst of an incredibly important test preparation. Med school placement type stuff.
This is a big deal, and she must study feverishly to do her best, so until that is out of the way, I am
not going to have her set up the site. She has the site built, but she would need to get it set up on DD and
ready to go.

Go Kez! Ruff!

I still dont have character pages done, and wont for a while. It will be a little
while before I really know these characters well enough to put up bios.

Anyway, I'm guessing in about three weeks we will have a Xylia launch.
I admit, I'm more than a bit nervous.
What if I cant keep up the updates?
What if it's boring?
What if my writing is too amatuerish and sucky?
What if NO ONE LIKES IT?

They better like it!

Yeah, I'm scared. It's my new baby, and I want it to do okay.
This is one area I DO know myself- I can be pretty sensitive to
criticism and lack of interest.

But I will live!

I actually have an 'outtake' already. Only four pages, and
this drawing got dropped.

I forgot my lines...

That's all for now.
Thank you to everyone for your support through EVERYTHING! ^_^

~B

Seriously though, I am doing much better. I needed some help and I got it. I still have some 'issues' and problems with keeping things in logical perspective sometimes, but hell, I've always been that way. Thank you **VERY MUCH** to everyone who posted such nice things to cheer me up. It really helped a great deal ... when you're down that far, it's really nice to know that folks do care. ^_^

So now, that I'm feeling better, I've been drawing like crazy.
I think I may actually get this little Xylia boat floating.
I hope.
But does Claude? Uh...maybe not so much...

You boys stop picking on the new guy! Good gracious.
We have Elle to thank for this idea. She said she was going to do something like this, but I just couldn't wait
and had to see Claude in a chicken get up -- like now. ^_^

~B

I realized that I had never drawn a picture of Claude smiling.
Interesting.
So I drew one.
I also realized who Claude reminds me of a bit (but not when he's smiling)-- Basil Rathbone- the definitve Sherlock Holmes actor. A lanky British guy with a prominant nose. There, I just described Claude.

This weekend I did a bit of drawing and plotting- at least plotting in my head.
I actually completed page one of Xylia's prologue, got a character page partly done, and figured out
some things. At least for now. I guess it was pretty productive.

It's been so long since I started from scratch on something. The whole thing
has to be built from the ground up. Very confusing, complex and time consuming.
Not to mention the research. Grah!
Case in point:

Updated cause of death.

Upon further research, I discovered that our dear young Norman soldier
would never have been killed by Saxon arrows. The Saxons didn't have arrows in 1066. So there you go.
I'm sure I'm going to run into more and more of this sort of thing. Forcing myself to do a ton of research when I have no free time is a form of masochism I enjoy.

I have also started to figure out the meanings of the characters and the symbolism and color stories that I will use with them.You can watch for that. It's already turned up here and there in some things I've posted...

The bad guy and his posse are not quite ready to be revealed.
For now, his name is Aegidios. He is short.

December has changed yet again. She is more like fifteen or sixteen, and has a little sister April -- but April will have a nickname...still working on that. I'm not going to reveal much more about them right now, except here is an image that kind of helped me get everyone square in my mind.

To see a few more pics, click here:

Thank you again to those of you who have stopped by with nice comments or words of support. I'm still struggling quite a bit with the big 'd', but I'm doing okay.
Keeping on keeping on~

~B

It was a good day. The gang at work brought tons of goodies, one friend brought me flowers, the kids made me brownies, my mom made me an awesome dinner, I went to see a band in the park that evening...it was a really nice day. ^_^

Today, I am ahead at work. That's good!
Tonight, I'm jamming music with some friends.
Tomorrow I get my hair done. I'm actually supposed to jam with some different musician friends that night too.
Sunday Im making dinner for dad.
Somewhere in there, I hope to actaully draw. Its been a really long time.

I hope everyone is well and good. Thank you again for making my birthday so nice. :)

~B

*DISCLAIMER*
Before I continue my blogging, I have a note to all you younglings who peruse my musings- **I am not condoning abuse of alcohol or underage drinking!!** So don't get all on my case on that front. I will say that medical science has proven that the partaking of a single daily alcholic beverage is actually beneficial to the cardio vascular system.
There.
I'm done.

Anyway, the last week has been tumultuous to say the least. Up, down, work work, panic, cry, work, work cry ...you get the drill.
The adjustment to having the kids home while working full time has been mind blowing. The adjustment to having a fourteen year old son with a girl friend- weird.
Lots of *stuff*.
We are all doing fine, but me being more unavailable than I ever have has been hard on all of us, and I worry about them getting bored. But I've already discussed work in this blog, and Im not bringing that up again. I'll just say that it's a day by day thing.

Anyway, after the kids left with their dad this evening, I had some freelance art i needed to do, so I made up my mind to go to a wooded glade and work in the midst of nature - a la Snow White. Twas looking forward I was.
Sooo....
I got all situated in this lovely little shady glen, propped my specs on my nose and got out my mechanical pencil and then...

I was promptly EATEN ALIVE BY MOSQUITOES AND GNATS.
Nice work.
Forgot the Off.
What a bummer.

So I got in the car and did what every frustrated artiste does who doesn't want to work at home --
I headed to a coffee shop.
But I had enough coffee today.
SOOOO... I opted for Chardonnay.
I'll tell you what.
By the time I got done with that one little glass, I felt 100% less stressed, less freaked, less depressed, and I was much calmer.
I guess I'm a wino.
I had forgotten.

Anyway, I apologize for the lack of art. Summer has always been tough with the kids at home, but this year is simply nuts.
I don't know what's gonna happen with Xylia. I hope I can get something up soon. But in the meantime, thank you everyone for your interest in my artwork and my little stories.

FWIW, tomorrow I turn 42. OMG. I dont believe it.

8-0

I love M. He is a few years older than me, funny, philosophical, often acerbic and irreverant, but ultimately very thoughtful and a good guy. I always laugh when he's is around. (When his friend was missing, it was odd to have him quiet. BTW, to anyone who reads my other blogs, that guy did come back home safe and sound.)

So yesterday, M. just decided to give his notice. Has nothing else lined up, it was just time to go. I love that. I actually did that myself once - I had a large tax return, a lot of freelance coming in, and my boss was a jerk so I gave notice. He told me to leave that day. He was bankrupt in five months. I saw it coming, which was another reason I knew it was time to go.

I'm going to miss M. a lot. He and I feel the same way about companies that are too big to care about individual employees- and about what is happening to our department.
"Drones," he said to me yesterday. "They want drones. I can't do that."

I can't either-not forever. I'll give it the old college try for a bit. Get stuff paid for.
I got a time line, I need to write it down.

But it's going to be even harder without him.

~B

I read the other day that there are only 41 blue moons in a century. That's kinda cool.
Also, my friends in Australia don't get their blue moon until June.
Ours is tonight. ^_^

All these moon facts. Silly. Thing is, the opening scene in Xylia has a moon in it, but it isn't blue. It isn't even full.
Being the good little researcher that I am, I looked up precisely what type of moon was out the eve of October 14, 1066.
This of course got me on a tangent of looking up other totally unrelated facts, whenst I discovered that 2007 has a blue moon. And it's today of all things. ^_^

(well, it's today where I live.)
~B

My son and his buds say they are ready to rock on Friday. I hope it goes well for them.

FeelsLikeFriday

I just can't believe that they are done with middle school!
I remember when these boys were seven years old!
Well except for the tall one. We actually go back a bit further than that. ;-)

~B

The thing about this full time job (I'm spose to be working...Im not)
is that my mind goes into its overdrive psycho mode and I cant concentrate. So many things. A spinning vortex of craziness that is always there, sometimes stuffed in a flimsy box in the back of my mind, but often times right there in the very enter of my awareness, messing up everythign i try to accomplish.
Lot's of screaming goes on in my head.
I'm worrying about what my kids will do all summer.
I'm worrying about beign a hermit.
I'm worrying about mistakes I make.
I'm feeling blah because I dont go to the gym.
I'm thinking about all the stuff I have to do every night this week after work.
I'm worrying about freelance jobs I dont have done.
I'm trying to figure out what I will make for dinner.
I'm worried about money.
I'm worried becuase I can't ever find a guy who likes me who isnt pyscho or sex crazed or whatever.
I'm worried that I have to choose between creating and not being alone.
I'm worried about the choices that I have made.
I worry that I cant let go of the past.

There's about eight thousand more of these things. This is but a sampling.
I wish I could shut this off.
click.

Sigh. How do normal people avoid this type of thing?
All I ever wanted to do since I was about three years old is tell stories.
That just doesnt work. It never fits. It never flies. Too many other things demand my attention all the time.

Must find that box to put it all in...
~B

I took some pics of him with his band Saturday, and when I saw this one of him, I thought about how things come around full circle.

The trusty Zion spans generations

In Xylia related news...

-I'm still going round and round with the story. But you know, that's okay. Im not gonna sweat it. I promise. Sort of.
-Kezzie has graciously offered to be my webmistress. But we all know she is a web goddess.
-I have had some writer friends offer to step up and help me with editing as I make this foray into writing. Let me say that Niko, Clay, and Josh are awesome. There, I have said it. And I will say it again and again. And if course all of you who have been offering your kind comments here in this silly blog of mine, you are the lighthouses that keep me from crashing into the rocks. ^_^

If the Xylia boat floats, it's not because of me, it's because of you.

Speaking of boats...

Where IS the boat?

That's all today.

Off to buy my plants! ^_^

~B

Gorf. Enough whining, lady.

The story is starting to kind of make sense. But not really. TONS of plot holes. TONS AND TONS. And then there is the research...why am I doing this to myself? 8-0 I know what I want to do, the fence posts are sort of there, but so many problems stringing the damn thing together. One simple, yet urgent problem has been how to start. Originally, I was going to start two years in the future. But then I changed my mind many times. I have decided to begin with the first ending of a first life. Nice and bizarre that is. But I thought it was poetically weird enough for my tastes to start with Claude's death, and go from there. And when you get to know Claude a little better, you will see that this is a logical beginning. Some of you who read my little blog have already figured out that Claude is a 'reincarnate'- not really immortal, but not entirely mortal either. It is a choice he makes in his first life. A difficult way to spend eternity: the guy has to start over every time! But, he thinks it's worth it.

"Thankfully, forever is a long time..."

The first chapter was going to focus on December and Xylia, but it just wouldnt come together. It dragged on and didn't provide enough info, other than some minor character building, to make it worthwhile. I have decided to stay from Claude's POV. In one way, this actually makes me happy, because Dr. Ambrosia will get a nice role after all. :-D Claude may even tell the story, which is something I have never done before- have a running narrative. Exile was all told with action, with as little narration as possible. Ollie sort of required that type of story. All action, few words. Claude Ravensdale is a quite different character. ;-)

~B

Enough ranting.
How bout some art?
Couple sketches, a model sheet, and then a WTF panel from the intro. How bout that?

Who what where? Or...when...?

Barb sees dead things again...

December Lillian

Finally, a finished panel from the actual story. I figure I can post that here, since the only folks that read this are my buds. You all don't mind a bit of spoiling. It's not really spoiling anyway. Since you don't know what is going on. ;-) But if it REALLY upsets you- close your eyes!

Uhhh....Claude? I think we're back on schedule now...

After a panicky spell of drawing inability on Saturday at a caricature gig (boy was that scary- with people watching and everything!), I sat down today and ripped off art for the Introduction pages to Xylia. I finally have some production art going. Finally, finally, finally.

There is a big busy panel that is turning out better than I thought it would. And I really had a good time working on it. Let just me add that no horses actually died in the making of this upcoming scene.
That oughta make 'em wonder...

^_^
~B