How To Get Rich & Famous By Blogging At Work

Many bloggers enjoy writing about their place of employment. This Internet rage is making a lot of employers upset, as bosses want their nice little drones to keep churning out products & services without all the pesky independent thought.

     But it is very important that people all over the world journal their workplace opinions on-line every day, since these “job-blogs” serve to expose those in authority who exploit others for gain. When you get right down to it, though, blogging about the nine-to-five hours makes “The Man” nervous, and that’s good enough.

     Here are some techniques you can use to safely and effectively maintain a blog about the useless idiots (i.e. everybody except you) at your place of work without getting fired and, more importantly, gain money and fame. Follow these suggestions faithfully and you’ll have a blog-site that’ll draw in thousands of readers every day and you’ll earn the fear, respect, and bribes from co-workers and managers who don’t want to be the next fascinating subject in your popular on-line diary! When you get right down to it, though, the sole purpose of the Internet is to tell complete strangers everywhere how much you hate the real people around you and the embarrassing things you know about them, just to give you a fleeting sense of smug self-satisfaction, isn’t it?

Blog Everything You Find Annoying About Your Job, No Matter How Small.

     Ninety-nine percent of humanity is in economic servitude to the remaining one percent, but we don’t have to like it. Therefore, anyone sacrificing their free will to a job has the God-given right to bitch about it. Thankfully, the Internet allows employees to complain worldwide, but more importantly, gives them the outlet to expose their boss’s true nature, which is greedy, stupid, and worthless.

      But don’t stop kvetching about the boss on your blog when there's lots of your peers around you, oh no! Your co-workers, although appearing to be professional, are human and therefore have “skeletons in their closets” that you, as a blogger, are morally entitled to talk about on www.blogger.com. The more controversial the secret (“April 21^st blog entry: I just discovered Phil enjoys wearing diapers and being spanked by morbidly obese women.”), the more comments you’ll get in your blog (probably most of them from an enraged Phil).

Blog With A Cover Window Ready:

      Just in case your manager Bill Lumbergh walks into your cubicle while you are detailing the relevant points of how much he sucks on your blog, always have a job-oriented window in your task bar ready to maximize (such as the company’s website or an innocent-looking pie chart) in order to hide what you’re actually doing (which sure as hell isn’t working). If you’re using a word-processor, click the “save” button often, since you may have to shut down whatever application you’re using to compose your blog post when the boss pokes his ugly, balding head in the cubicle. If you’re blogging on LiveJournal, just hit the “update page” button and there’s a fifty-fifty chance the daily entry you’ve just spent three hours on will go to data heaven anyways, so you’re pretty much covered.

Stay In The Office ‘Rumor Mill’.

     Your co-worker’s opinions about people who aren’t within earshot are very important, since they often provide juicy material for your blog. Don’t be hampered by the truth, by the way; major newspapers don’t give a damn about the correct facts, so why should you? It’s irrelevant whether or not Ed the new accountant is actually a child molester…what’s important is that you heard the rumor,  and it is your sacred blogger duty to get it on the Internet as soon as possible. Maybe Suzanne the temp enjoys rimming donkeys at bachelor parties, maybe she doesn’t, who cares? As long as your office buddy Jim who just asked her for a date and got turned down says it’s true, it’s true.

Examine The Contents Of Other People’s Desks When They Leave The Office.

      When you get right down to it, human nature is pretty goddamn stupid, and it’s amazing the incriminating evidence your co-workers and boss may have in their lower desk drawers. It is essential that you, the serious job-blogger, always have a digital camera on-hand in case you need to make digital copies of the love letters your manager is sending to his mistress. Or to take pictures of any pill bottles you may find in your co-worker’s desks; you can post the details from the prescription labels and make a nifty pie-chart showing the ratio of people currently on heavy anti-depressants at your place of work.

Take Covert Pictures Of Your Co-Workers & Boss For Fun Blog Commentary.

     There’s no greater self-satisfaction than blogging a picture of a co-worker caught in an embarrassing situation, unless the photo incriminates your boss, whom you especially hate. Remember: keep that digital camera handy and always, always, take pictures for your blog of:

     - your boss picking his nose (or other unacceptable orifice). Always a classic.

     - any co-worker screaming at his/her computer in frustration. Hopefully they’ll start hitting it.

     - anybody who’s just gotten fired. Grief rules!

     - your boss sitting in the washroom stall and looking up in shock at your camera’s flash. Remember to use Photoshop™ to edit out any “red-eye” that may appear.

     - building security guards beating up anybody. Hopefully someone who’s just been fired.

     - building security guards getting beaten up by anybody. Hopefully the guy who got fired knows judo and just had seven cups of coffee.

     - the pile of co-worker’s coffee mugs you’ve stolen from the break room and super-glued into an Aztec pyramid.

     - any manager having a tantrum. Remember to zoom in on their red, contorted face. Could make a good desktop background graphic.

     - the attractive new temp.

     - the attractive new temp’s backside as she’s filing.

     - the attractive new temp’s naked breasts through her bedroom window after you’ve followed her home.

Hack Into Workplace Computers For Incriminating Evidence.

     Please do not tell me you don’t know how to get into your boss’s computer. You’ve already figured out how to bypass workplace filters so you can download gigabytes of porn, so accessing any so-called ‘protected’ folders should be a piece of cake. If you’re not the system administrator, try to befriend the office geek who holds the office network power, or at least get incriminating evidence on them. Such geeks are probably reading blogs instead of working anyways, and if you threaten to post the video you took of him pretending to be a Jedi while waving a retractable pointer around like a light saber, he’ll probably give you administrative rights from fear of the sheer amount of people who’ll be laughing at him on the ‘Net.

     It’s a safe bet your co-workers are downloading just as much pornography as you are while presumably on the job, if not more. Try to find their hidden caches of online porn as it gives you a keen insight into their deepest thoughts and fantasies. And what a great thing to talk about on your blog! It may be difficult typing through the laughter after you’ve discovered Ted the program leader has a thing for old men wearing cheerleader costumes, but try to stay strong; thousands of readers are depending on you.

Point Out Your Company’s Fiscal Weaknesses.

     It’s simply not right that you are getting crappy pay while the higher-ups continually give themselves raises, so take it upon yourself to learn exactly where the money is going in your company’s finances. Hell, an honest business shouldn’t be afraid of anybody checking out their bank account if you’re able to post a live RSS feed to it on your blog. Also make digital scans of everybody’s pay stubs, credit card slips, children’s college bank account numbers, etc, to make your blog more “controversial” (read: litigable).

Refuse To Stop Blogging About Your Work, Even If Threatened With Dismissal.

     Freedom Of Speech is what it’s all about, so screw off, Mr. Bossman! It’s none of your goddamn business if your employees choose to a) not work, and; b) post insulting remarks about you on the Internet while not working, so go back to your plush office and close the damn door. Maybe if you stop getting on our nerves by being so greedy and uncaring about the misery you cause, we bloggers suffering economic servitude will stop investigating your corporate lives to share the gritty details with the world…or maybe we won’t.

In Conclusion: if you get fired for blogging about your job, sue the bastards on any legal precedent having to do with “Free Speech”. Collect the settlement. Find a new job. Blog about your new job.  Get fired for blogging. Sue. Collect settlement. Repeat. You’ll be rich in no time, and maybe you will have enough funds to start a company of your own! You’ll have to hire employees, though…uh, wait a minute…

~ The Internet Slacker ~

(Leave a comment)