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Tuesday, July 22nd, 2008
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11:59 pm
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| Monday, July 21st, 2008
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9:27 pm
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My run of bad luck with dairy produce continued today, in that I had a second piece of bad luck with dairy produce. This time, I cut my thumb with some scissors while trying to snip my way into a carton of milk, the little pull-tag thing having snapped off during my initial attempt at a conventional, non-lethal opening.
What is up with that? Have I offended cowkind? I ate a yogurt earlier and now I'm worried its friendly bacteria are going to go rogue and insurrect my brain.
I'm certainly feeling nostalgic for when I generally had good luck with dairy produce - like when I represented my school in a Milk Marketing Board quiz and won two bottles of milkshake.
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(5 comments | comment on this)
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| Friday, July 18th, 2008
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11:41 pm
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I just got ice cream in my eye. Ow. At least it wasn't a 99.
Now recently-dumped women will want to feast on my tears.
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(4 comments | comment on this)
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| Thursday, July 17th, 2008
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1:28 pm
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This 'CANOE WIFE' stuff... I've only been following it via various CANOE-based headlines I can just see on the silent press office TV through the little corridor if I lean forward a bit - is it basically that this couple promised their sons a canoe for Christmas, but they couldn't actually afford a canoe? And now the sons are cross?
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(5 comments | comment on this)
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| Tuesday, July 15th, 2008
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9:33 pm
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Did you know that those who don't like Islam have their own official cartoon mascot? Look:
It's a cute grumpy cloud! That rains hate, I expect.
I wouldn't be surprised if clouds are against all organised religion. I'd guess they're more of the nebulous "there must be something up there like not necessarily an actual man with a beard or anything but maybe, you know, a force or a spirit or a... talking snowflake or something" type.
Actually, a slightly hapless talking snowflake would be a deity I could get behind...
Oh, talking snowflake! Praise your mysterious ways.
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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| Monday, July 14th, 2008
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11:13 pm
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You know how when you've got flu or malaria and you lie in bed all covered in sick seeing faces, faces, human faces! everywhere you look in the walls in the pattern on the curtains in the clouds of steam from your Lemsip in the tiny pores in actual human faces? Well, you can get the same effect if you stupidly join the Flickr group, I See Faces, which is just photos of everyday things that look like they have the shape of a face in them. If you start submitting photos to it, you won't be able to help yourself seeing faces where faces there are none.
Still, I have done the best one because it has a mustache:
It must be a brigadier amongst wheelie bins at least. I wonder what it's thinking?
:-/
I suppose if you have hospital waste for brains, at least there's a small chance there might be some actual brains in there to think with. Even if they do have some fluff on them.
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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9:39 pm
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I just noticed our Pyrex jug is 'NOT FOR LAB USE'. Does that mean I won't be able to get the jelly I just made peer reviewed?
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Sunday, July 13th, 2008
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5:10 pm
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| Thursday, July 10th, 2008
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12:16 am - The Wonderful World of Royalty-Free Images
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12:09 am
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| Monday, July 7th, 2008
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11:38 pm - Octopus Leg Counting Rage reprise
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What is so hard about remembering how many legs an octopus has when the number of legs an octopus has is the single most famous fact about the octopus????????
Unless that's meant to be a picture of a sea bream, in which case... Well, it's back to nautical drawing school for someone.
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(6 comments | comment on this)
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| Sunday, July 6th, 2008
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9:58 pm
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I went to the zoo to see the hummingbirds, lured by the promise of a recent advertising campaign which showed a hummingbird hovering mere inches in front of a visitor's face. It clearly implied there would be an enclosure in which humans and hummingbirds could gambol freely together, playing hide and seek, wrestling etc. At the very least, I was counting on being able to put some honey in my ear and giggle as a hummingbird slurped it out with its beak.
But! It turns out that not only are the hummingbirds in cages with a very fine mesh, there is a roped-off exclusion zone of a couple of metres in front of the hummingbird cages themselves. Hummingbirds are pretty small - it's only recently that biologists realised they weren't flying germs - so all you can really see is a sort of darting silhouette that could be any animal at all, really. A bee. A donkey. A tapir.
Still, I did get to see the Atlas moth, the biggest moth in the world. Here's one next to a handy hand to indicate scale:
Actually, that hand is not a good indication of scale at all, is it? It might belong to a doll, or a giant, for all you know.
This is better: an Atlas moth filling the interior of St Paul's Cathedral. The downdraft from its wings has just knocked over a London bus:
Atlas moths only live for about ten days, and they don't have mouths. Might these two facts be related? Stupid creatures.
This was the best exhibit:
The sticker on the box with the turtle in it reads 'TIGER'.
More zoo pictures.
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(8 comments | comment on this)
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| Wednesday, July 2nd, 2008
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11:00 pm - Boris, don't touch that -
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| Tuesday, July 1st, 2008
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11:21 pm
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| Monday, June 30th, 2008
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10:26 pm - Bless.
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| Saturday, June 28th, 2008
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1:16 am
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Caller: Hello, I'm calling from Company X and [the magazine I work for] is one of the vertical media we advertise...
Me: Sorry, I have to stop you there. 'Vertical media'?
Caller: You're one of the vertical media we advertise in...
Me: Yes, but I don't know what the term 'vertical media' means. Could you tell me what it means?
Caller: Well, your magazine - your readers are civil servants... not fire emergency service workers. Or ambulance drivers.
Me: That's right. But can you tell me what you mean by 'vertical media'?
Caller: I don't know what 'vertical media' means.
This could only have been better if he'd said 'vertical medias'. It turned out he just wanted to confirm our address.
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(9 comments | comment on this)
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| Wednesday, June 25th, 2008
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11:56 pm - "I'd give it ten minutes if I were you, Davros."
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It's a bit traumatic to see someone come out of a men's room cubicle making a 'Phew!' noise and wiping his brow, like Terry Scott might have done after climbing Snowdon on a hot day.
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(4 comments | comment on this)
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| Monday, June 23rd, 2008
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9:21 pm
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I was walking over a bridge* yesterday, when I overheard one man put his friend on the spot. Seemingly apropos of nothing, he said: "Name all the cuisines."
His friend rose to the challenge. "Italian," he began. "French," he continued. "Chinese, Indian... Thai." I was pretty impressed. That's all five cuisines, isn't it? Well done, that man.
*It's one of the easiest ways to get across a river, isn't it? I mean, the Thames last froze over in 1814, and I'm a busy man.
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(4 comments | comment on this)
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| Saturday, June 21st, 2008
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12:16 am
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The last three words of something very boring I had to type out today were "challenge business faces".
Obviously, this is a gift of a title for some kind of TV programme, Challenge: Business Faces, where ordinary show-offs members of the public compete to scale a concrete Mount Rushmore carved with the venture capitalists off of Dragon's Den, all the while dodging the burning oil that floods out of Theo Paphitis' tear ducts. The winner gets a job working inside Sir Clive Sinclair's giant QL.
Sir Clive was on the news today, fondling a ZX80. The sound was down so I'm not sure why. Has he uploaded his soul into it, perhaps?
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(comment on this)
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| Thursday, June 19th, 2008
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11:08 am
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Can you guess what the most important rule of photographing insects is? According to Garry Fry, senior photographer of the Central Science Laboratory, the most important rule of photographing insects is... "that there are no rules!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Who'd have thought? Except Garry goes on to contradict himself by saying the most important rule of photographing insects is to stick them in the fridge for a bit before the shoot as it makes them docile. Otherwise, they will go in your eye. Just like with wedding photography. As soon as I can afford that mobile meat locker, I'm going to clean up in wedding photography.
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(comment on this)
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