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It's been a really long time since I've written here. I have to let out my frustrations..
I've been attending cosmetology school for the past two months. I decided to go because I thought it would suit my personality well. I'm not sure now. I hate every single day I go in. I'd rather be walking, at a cafe, or just anywhere else.
I am counting down the days until this semester is over. I just don't understand why I dislike it so much. It's really disheartening. If it wasn't for my financial aid I probably would have already dropped out. Don't get me wrong, it's not hard, it's just not something I'm interested in.. :(
So what do I do now? I'll be 28 in about a week. I know as much now as I did when I was 16. :(
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Comments: Read 4 or Add Your Own.
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Wednesday, November 29th, 2006
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I am working at a temp job at a local health department. I don't have a problem with the patients just the mundane, boring atmosphere . It's not going to last very much longer. I hate office jobs. I usually avoid them but with my work experience, it's either this or a restaurant. Office jobs tend pay better.
The regular workers are kind of snotty to me.
Like I asked for change from the receptionist. It was a $20. I wanted a drink from the vending machine. I quote, "Can I give you some advice? Don't make this your personal bank." Um, okay. She still gave me the change. I just turned it around and said, "thanks for the change. You just fed into my sugar addiction." I feel like this. It was rude but I'm not going to get angry because of her bad attitude. Ya know. I'm getting paid is all that matters and I don't have to react to someone's negative energy.
It's hard but I'm learning! My mom gave me advice. You can't get made at everyone because of their ignorance or you will be mad all the time. Kind of like choose your battles.
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Comments: Read 7 or Add Your Own.
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Tuesday, November 14th, 2006
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There is nothing that pisses me off more than some fucking asshole treating me or the people I care about like were not good enough. What the fuck? I'm guilty of being judgemental but I don't try to make someone feel worthless.
Today was one of those days. I went to a new spot to look for a job. The area was pretty but the people I encountered were not. I had a woman look me up from head to toe like I was some alien. Most people were driving around in very expensive cars so I assume that was sort of their attitude. Money=worth, quality=insignificance. Argh.
This has pissed me off all fucking day. Now I can let go of it. I'm just glad that I have never behaved that way.
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Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
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Monday, October 2nd, 2006
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I have great sadness in my heart.
Tonight I spent the past several hours enduring an emotional rollercoaster. My brother has been really, really fucked up for the past few days. Instead of being a decent person and talking to him about it, I turned my back on him and refused to care. I've been there too many times and yet, the one person I should be concerned about the most, I just ignored.
And now, he is at the ER waiting to be transported to a Psychiatric hospital.
I know I am self-absorbed, and emotionally detached. But should it really take my little brother deteriorating in front of my eyes to spark some tinge of emotion?
This is the reason I feel guilty. Now I must learn to care about others as much as I care for myself.
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Comments: Read 9 or Add Your Own.
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Thursday, September 7th, 2006
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I am in Baltimore today. Been visiting relatives and now I know why I moved away! It's so damn conservative where I'm at. eek! Anyway, my aunt has a kick ass beach house in Delaware where I spent a crazy weekend Kayaking and swimming. It was really fun.
I've been taking plenty of photos that I will post soon.
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Comments: Add Your Own.
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Thursday, August 24th, 2006
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Why do internet guys send photos of male models and try to pass it off as their own? Are girls too dumb to notice that their date has a lazy eye, and snot flowing out of his nose and the photo they were sent is of a hot metrosexual? I don't think so.
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Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.
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Sunday, August 13th, 2006
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Today has been tough for me. An ordeal of roller coaster emotions and obsessions but I'm dealing with it.
Sometimes I feel so, inept. Argh! I just have to believe in myself more. Confidence is one of the most valuable things a person can acquire but damnit, sometimes it's so hard!
Since I'm feeling down, I've decided to do a little LJ cleanup. If I remove you, don't be offended. I only want to keep friends that I have something in common.
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Comments: Read 6 or Add Your Own.
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Saturday, August 5th, 2006
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I had a love for cigarettes and chew when I was 8. My brother and I would run from school to the local drugstore to buy a pack of each. I'd grab the packs and take off running home. My brother would be screaming behind me, "I can't breathe! Slow down!!".
By the time we got to our yard, our craving was in full swing. I took a cig and rationed out the chew for both of us. We'd sit there chewing and puffing away simultaneously. I knew I was the culprit of our tobacco addiction but I didn't care until my mom came home early and caught us...Her mouth dropped in pure shock. She grabbed my cigs and said, "No more candy! That stuff will give you cavities!!" That was the beginning of the end..
Shortly after, my habits died hard along with the sales of the cigarette gum. Luckily, Big Chew is still around.
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Comments: Add Your Own.
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Don't be alarmed if you see some REALLY bad jokes scattered in posts here. I am taking a comedy class to develop a sense of humour. You've been warned.
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Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.
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Wednesday, July 26th, 2006
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I saved two lives today.
A kitten that was laying in the middle of a busy street which I took a vet to be taken care of. They are going to foster it!
A baby turtle trying to cross the road. It was sooo cute!
Yup, I LOOOOOVVVE animals.
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Comments: Read 3 or Add Your Own.
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I have a neighbor with a son. I'll call him Damien.
This kid is STILL wearing diapers but he doesn't actually use them. He urinates on floors and rubs excrement all over himself and the walls. No kidding.
Damien has already set 2 fires in his home. One that was put out before it caused a serious problem and the other that severely damaged their living room.
I came home to see the front part of the house scorched and a crowd of people standing around. Where was Damien during this episode? He was walking around naked, smiling the entire time....
Recently his mother told me about his newest fixation as she came over with little Damien..She took him to visit a relative. They were forced to leave early. While Damien wandered around the house, he spotted the woman's pet and strangled it. She was devastated.
The newest act involved him grabbing his female cousin, pulled her pants down and started to grind against her..
This kid just turned 4. Do I need to say more?
I despise him and everytime I see him playing in the yard I have really horrible thoughts. The mother wanted nothing more than to have a kid with her crackhead bf and now she got one...
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Comments: Read 7 or Add Your Own.
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Things to do today.
Study Spanish
Take a shower
Play with my cats
Read a book on Neural Path Therapy
Eat a bunch of fruits and vegetables
Drink lots of iced green tea
Look at the sky
Feed a cardinal
Remind myself of the beauty I have
Ask my bestfriend how she is doing and really want to know.
Sign on to PunkPassions.com to see if I got any mail from hot rocker guys.
Watch the rain.
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Comments: Read 4 or Add Your Own.
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Saturday, July 22nd, 2006
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I am currently taking an online Spanish course. It's awesome but... It's all too fast! Anyone out there want to practice their spanish?
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Comments: Read 12 or Add Your Own.
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I notice all of them have moved on to better things while I sit here staring out behind pink curtains vacantly.
When I go, will you still remember me?
I've wasted so much time fucking around. I didn't notice all the people leaving this town.
I don't want to see what's obvious, I don't live in reality and I don't like to think of death.
You've had a meaningful life, I'm sorry I never understood that.
When I see you here and there I see beauty behind all the age. You make me ice cream when I come to visit, eyes shiny with girly dresses and smiles that never fade.
You spoke the truth when I refused to listen. After all this time, I understand now that you didn't want me to follow the footsteps of a hurt woman.
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Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.
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I really don't understand an exboyfriend. I met him years ago at a gothic nightclub. We connected immediately. We had an explosive relationship that lasted for almost 3 years and ended terribly. So now and then he calls me. I don't really know why and I'm not usually too thrilled about it.
A few days ago I got a call from him around 10pm. We talked for hours about everything. It was fun and awkward at the same time. He started pouring his heart out to me and confessing his feelings about how he was sorry for things from the past. It was obnoxious. He was also kind of drunk..
Anyway, he invited me to a big party he is having in August, the weekend of the horror convention in Baltimore. But the thing is, he was begging me the entire time we were on the phone. It was really flattering but just fucking weird.
I have no desire to be in a relationship with him again but I must admit, it made me think about sex the entire next day. What the hell?! We did have incredible, crazy sex but ugh... I'm not thinking to clearly..
Anyway, he is one of myspace friends. Most of his friends are hot "dark" girlies and it makes me feel jealous. I'm really fucking annoyed with feeling that way. My emotions have been stirred by his calls. And now I feel like I wish I'd never met him.
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Comments: Read 7 or Add Your Own.
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Women of all appearances should start a revolution. Body Acceptance!
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Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.
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Thursday, June 22nd, 2006
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Today I came out as an asexual. And I feel great about it.
I am a beautiful woman, 27 years of age who has always been a little perplexed by my own sexuality. Every since I was a little girl I have felt awkward about having a "weird part" between the legs. At 13, I was hit with puberty which was VERY traumatizing. I HATED it. And I was ashamed.
Most of my female friends started having sexual experiences around that age. It seriously repulsed me. Not because of religious beliefs but I didn't understand why they liked it.
I abstained from relationships and sex until I graduated from high school. It was very easy and natural to do. In fact, I had sex just to get it over with. It was just about as pleasurable as having a tooth pulled. I hated it. I didn't understand what the appeal was. This was the time I started really questioning my sexual preferences. I was VERY confused.
I started to think I was gay. Now that I think about it, I thought I was gay when I was 16 because of my lack of sexual desires towards men.
Years have gone by and I thought I'd have things figured out by now. Gay, straight, bisexual, something! Nothing. It has become more obvious. I have absolutely no desire to be in a relationship with male or female. The thought of marriage and procreation seems very foreign to me even though I've been told repeatedly that it's normal to want those things.
I have had plenty of sex, most with "one night stands" while I was heavily inebriated. Even then I had to mentally force myself to endure it, but didn't enjoy it. Afterwards I would think to myself, "what a waste of time".
After all these years of wanting to be genderless physically and really feeling that way on the inside, I'd like to think I've come to an important realization. Something so obvious that I just overlooked as a phase.
I feel such a relief there are other people out there that are similar in these regards.
xoxo
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Comments: Read 8 or Add Your Own.
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I was sleeping soundly until 10 minutes ago. I heard something, it was nothing. I feel really uncomfortable at the moment. Faint, dizzy. This happens often. I wake up every single night, at least 4 times because I hear things. I'm not ever sure what it is, I just know it is enough to upset me. Paranoid.
It's a catch 22. I feel intense but sometimes it's just too much. And then I react. I feel like I'm going to die. But it's nothing. It's something I have to deal with each night and I hate it.
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Comments: Add Your Own.
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Saturday, June 17th, 2006
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insearchformore's journal