Cursive X

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Mar. 14th, 2007 @ 06:12 pm once again

i feel like i have no insight left.

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Mar. 4th, 2006 @ 04:29 pm Struggles

I have recieved a recent smack in the face. I have become shallow and materialistic and superficial. I have lost sight of the true values of life and living. Fuck that, I have assiciated myself too much with the previously listed.

I have taken this dream for selfish reasons and lost sight of what is truely there; beauty and an undefined life of wealth in reason. And so I take flight, alone, without you and without hesitation. The passion is there but it has not been harnessed. I seek to find myself and the meanings behind the mission. Will you come with me?

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Nov. 23rd, 2005 @ 05:08 pm TEST

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Jan. 5th, 2005 @ 04:09 pm poem from my diary

Current Mood:

complacent

Paradise

‘Twas forever that found her,
And never that saved her,
It was snowing ignorance
As she cried loneliness…

Springtime bloomed strength
Fed by the rains of reason
The sunlight grew fonder,
As darkness began to dwindle.

Its inferno came slowly,
And went without notice
Until her thirst grew fierce
For a life proved by an altruistic quench

…the colors became vivid,
and darkness slowly snuck in,
but this time she was ready…
…time had erased it,
and she was left with only herself
and a beautiful certainty.

*this is a gaining strength over the course of a year's seasons,and the little life lessons that occur along the way

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Sep. 4th, 2004 @ 11:25 am 1-10

Pick ANY 10 LJ users on your friends list without revealing their names say something about (or to) each one of them. Never reveal who is what.

1. K first person, i took this off your journal cuz i thought it was so fun!! I hope we start talking more and i get to hook you up with that guy!! come to canada with us!

2. I love your boooobies!!!!!!!!

3. I know that we were seperated at birth, even though we look completely diffrent and have way diffrent majors. If soulmates are true, then in a non sexual way i know that your mine.

4. I look up to you so much, and i know i can turn to you with any question. we share similar roots, and i love that. My grandma loves you too! hahaha

5. We went to Washington DC together. I think that you are such an amazing person; you've got zest, kindness and brilliance shining from your eyes. i know you are going to be such an amazing person. I have known you since first grade. Whoa that is 13 years? yikes:)

6. You are young, beautiful and talented. I met you through my sister. I love your energy and enthusiasm, its something that will always light the way for others. I wish you the best of luck in your journies:)

7. Guess what!!! i am so excited to hang out with you tonight!! we are going to have sooo much fun. I love hanging out with you and i admire you dedication, lets hope its contagious. I hope our friendship lasts a long time.

8. You are also young, and brilliant, but your male. Im coming to see you on mondays from now and and am excited to see you at your best again; behind a mic.

9. Your a fighter. We have many memories together and i know there are so many more to come! I hope you will go to school in the winter with me!!

10. I love you, you are so wonderful to me. Your my blood, my strength and my inspiration. I dont think you realized how great you really are. Im proud of you kiddo. you mean a lot to me...even if you dont think so.

wee that was fun!

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May. 25th, 2004 @ 02:50 pm Lonner Sex

I decided that the greatest route into a person’s mind is one that they themselves have already paved. So here is an exert from my journal dated 3.10.2004:

The Night is Mine!

…Its silence screams…
And so my friends I light the flame
That stirs the shadows upon my wall,

Three hits of solitude and the world is mine

I command myself an awarding bliss divine

Slowly I sink into the depths of solitude
And color my world with all that is crude
From the beginning hush to the last luscious moment,
I know what I’ve got, and I got there all alone.

I wish people could understand me better. Breaking up with the boy was a powerful moment for me. Oddly enough I wrote this poem while I was still with him. I was alone that whole damn time wasn’t I? I carried myself to the top and I found my own ways to feel happy. I was working for two people and he was working for one. The proportions just weren’t compatible.

The rain has finally washed away the sting of the drought and now I am ready to be everything I want to be. I feel clarity and focus has rejoined my esteem.

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May. 22nd, 2004 @ 03:15 pm Borrowed this from Melissa...give it a whirl if you've got a few...its short sweet and sassy;)

1. Who are you?
2. Are we friends?
3. When and how did we meet?
4. How have I affected you?
5. What do you think of me?
6. What's the fondest memory you have of me?
7. How long do you think we will be friends?
8. Do you love me?
9. Do you have a crush on me?
10. Would you kiss me?
11. Would you hug me?
12. Physically, what stands out?
13. Emotionally, what stands out?
14. Do you wish I was cooler?
15. On a scale of 1-10, how hot am I?
16. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
17. Am I loveable?
18. How long have you known me?
19. Describe me in one word.
20. What was your first impression?
21. Do you still think that way about me now?
22. What do you think my weakness is?
23. Do you think I'll get married?
24. What makes me happy?
25. What makes me sad?
26. What reminds you of me?
27. If you could give me anything what would it be?
28. How well do you know me?
29. When's the last time you saw me?
30. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
31. Do you think I could kill someone?
32. Do you think our friendship is getting stronger/weaker/or staying the same?
33. Do you feel that you could talk to me about anything and I would listen?
34. Are you going to put this on your LiveJournal and see what I say about you

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May. 5th, 2004 @ 09:56 pm Bump Bump Anyone?





	
	
	
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				cuttieboyssuck
				
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How sexually compatible with me are you?
Take the NEW sexual compatibility quiz at LJMatch!

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May. 5th, 2004 @ 09:48 pm Was this really worth the time?





	
	
	
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How compatible with me are YOU?

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May. 3rd, 2004 @ 03:16 pm Random Shelly Facts

1. Peanutbutter and Jelly on grahm crackers is my favorite snack
2. Hugs and smiles are the greastes reward, i love getting and giving them!
3. I have no clue on how to change a baby's diaper.
4. Cooking is my secret passion...along with classical music!
5. Britney Spears' new CD never leaves my car or my room cuz i have two copies!!
6. I miss high school
7. I want to learn how to swing dance.
8. Allergic to high concentrations of alcohol.
9. Disc Golf is my latest obsession
10. Savin up my money to buy sex in the city season 6 and beasty boys greatest hits.
11. Were the Hear Is, is my favorite chick flick (even though i normally hate them)
12. Somehow I dream, everynight and i believe that dreams really mean something.
13. I can find beauty in anything.
14. Chicken is the only meat i eat.

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Apr. 29th, 2004 @ 12:53 pm I just remembered....

When it was the summer of 1998 I would walk up to Dairy Queen with my good friends and get vanilla ice cream with sprinkles.

When it was the spring of 1999 I became a high school cheerleader.

On August 18, 1999 my grandfather passed away.
MY BIRTHDAY AUGUST 20

On 9.9.99 i won a championship at a horse show and missed my cheerleading pictures.

In the spring of 2000 I fell in love.

On August 22, 2000 my life changed forever, someone else died.
MY BIRTHDAY AUGUST 20

When it was March of 2001 I my first love failed.

When it was April of 2001 I discovered the power of my past and what it ment to be a woman.

July 16, 2001 I smoked pot for the first time.

Spent most of the summer meeting people, drinking and partying.

August 23, 2001 Eric left us. and so did my hopes upon finding true love.
MY BIRTHDAY AUGUST 20

In May 2002 I went to prom with jon.

...and so the summer of 2002 began. Learned how to play guitar, became a better skater, ate healthier, completed my first of many triathalons, drank, smoked, bumped: i did it all.

July 2002 met a boy, accidently fell in love

MY BIRTHDAY AUGUST 20 (things went well this time)

School Starts September 2002, but kept the summer 2002 mentality.

To ring in the new year of 2003 I brought with it my awful stomach flu.

During Mid-August of 2003 there was a black out.

On August 15, 2003 My cat Peggy dies (Age 19.5)
MY BIRTHDAY AUGUST 20

and im gonna go ahead and say that since then....my life has been pretty tame. thank goodness:)

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Apr. 28th, 2004 @ 10:37 pm Interesting....

ok i went overboard but i thought it was interesting how it all worked out:)

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Apr. 26th, 2004 @ 06:33 pm Notes On My Ubiquitous Friends

Over the course of this past month, perhaps you have noticed that I have made attempts to closely examine you, ask you questions, listening steadfast to a tale you recall with no innocuous intent. So here is the summary of the people close to me, or the people I have recently become to know or reknow.

I feel that documenting each person is a way to find beauty and triumph in who i am, because i am who my friends are.

(These are listed in no particular order)

GUYS

1. In a great orchestra you would be the ever laughing trombone. You are a fantastic light to any mood. I noticed your front, clever; but dont hold back! Work hard for those things you want you will be suprised how close you really are to what you thought you would never had

2. Tambourine. You work hard to make others laugh, you work so hard you mask your own beauty. You forget that you should be your number one priority. Dont forget and you will become another vivid moment in all of our lives.

3. Drums. Work hard and Play hard. Perhaps you play a little to hard and you neglect to see that your not the only one in the band. Your character is a melody of affluent deference. I hope that we continue to find a place for your notes.

4. Tuba. My you put up a front! Or at least in the past you did. I see your walls coming down, and we spoke in a much greater nuance. My respect for you as a person has grown as i now see how true you really are. You cant go looking for what you want, thing of that nature will happen all on your own when your not even looking;) I now know that even in the darkest of lights, everyone can be completely different when you put them under the sun.

5. Violin. You have the ability to take any moment and change it, with a renewed sense of unfurrowed light. You deserve only the best and so much more. You ability to rise above everything and become essentially everything you are now, puts me in complete awe. Friends are lucky to have you, your family is fortunate to have such an uplifting spirit and the people that have yet to know you will be fortunate by far. You've earned it all. So when you dont think its coming, be patient you deserve it. These past couple years you have demonstrated compassion and shown me what true resilience is. You are a fantastic listener.

6. Saxophone. You are so sexy, so deep and so unpredictable. I admire you for your self control. I knew you then, and speaking to you now makes me wonder too much. All I know is that you will triumph in life and serenade us all with your virtuous melodies. you seem to be a man without a weakness and a soul without a flaw.

7. Piano. You are your own orchestra, a monument to achievement and a fascination to my metabolism. Your energy and drive is completely ardent. You see your future so well and you've got it within your grasp. You've really given me energy to keep going; thanks.

GIRLS

1. Triangle. You are the charm that everyone needs, a little bit of richness a little bit of sharpness. You are a fantastic friend to have and a steadfast in your devotion to all of your friends. Everyone needs a friend like you

2. Piccolo. You are stronger then you give yourself credit for. You have the ability to lift any mood and stand through any storm. I miss you. Together we make one talented team. Thanks for helping me get to were i am today;)

3. Clarinet. The melodies you make inspire us all to live life to the fullest. I have yet to see you down and i've known you for so long. The complexity found within your notes has yet to even be truly seen by others. Clarinet you are by far one of the best listeners I have ever met.

4. French Horn. Super fancy and super wonderful. growing up was fun and im glad that together we can laugh things off, bitch things out and find the extreme fatuous details of the things around us.

5. Flute. Your happiness is contagious and your character is lucious. You have shown me what it means to be a friend over these years. With words on paper you soothed me in perhaps my saddest hour and with laughs you always let me know everything is going to be alight.

6. Harmonica. For your lifetime you have carried yourself and worked hard for what you have. Of all my female friends, i know you will be the most successful. Your ability to relate to me and offer me only the best of friendships is something only so many people should be lucky to have. You are a melody all to yourself, you can create a mood with each new breath and bring a smile to any lost face:)

And so these are my friends, the people i need and have needed. You are everything to me, you may know it or not. You are all so essential to make me who i am today. Each of you play that special role in my life and i just wanted to say:

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING YOU!!!

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Apr. 8th, 2004 @ 10:40 pm Spring is the season of falling out of love...not twitterpating for me;)

Its a breath of fresh air,
a new day,
it takes a brave person to leave a home.
So here i am, alone, but i guess i have been all along. Excuse me while i babble. ok. for a year and a 1/2 i loved my 100% and so did he. but the proportions just wernt right. It happens in love and thats a risk you take. Being single will hopefully remotivate me...it always does, cept after eric. but anyway. i told the ex: "love is like a garden. It needs things to grow, you cant just stand back and admire its beauty. Beauty may not be eternal, but love is (ok was whatever). it takes water and sunshine and hard work to grow something lovely. and both people must work at it. not just one." ok so i told him that a couple times...still didnt get it...fine.

so ok i'll be back hopefully updating with a little more intensity..just wanted to get that out taht yes im single, call me we'll do lunch:)

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Feb. 1st, 2004 @ 12:39 pm My Sister: Friend and Hero

One more year has passed on by,
Don't look back
Keep your head held high
For you're missing the most valuable moments,
You see...
When you are looking down toward your feet.
Walk, if you run, you'll find yourself wondering
Why or When
What never failed to smile down at you,
Somehow, forgot to grin.
We somehow took for granted then,
The special times we shared-
Smiles, smells of home, were there
Whenever we got scared.
I ran to and from that place,
Yet, never saw that smile.
I look up now, no place to run,
And it's been here all the while.
I realize late, the things that time
Can't allow us to hold for long.
The youngest, the oldest, and all in between
Can't return, once time has gone-
Take time, hold the moments, in time they slip away,
Words one heart fought, with a smile to say.
This year will pass, as the years before,
Smile at the life, that you most adore.
When time comes and you "forget" to grin, too...
Those who remember your smile of love,
Will hold heads high, to smile right back at you.

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Dec. 29th, 2003 @ 01:26 pm Haunting

I remember your smile,
it takes me back,

I remember your touch,
it makes me shiver,

I've tried to let go of your love,
it stays, like a star in the sky.

Your always there,
I try and hide around tight corners,
but your in me, your soul lingers.

I run and I cry, it hurts

Your spirit soothes me in the candle light,
you speak in flames, loud in the darkness.

I rest, the sleep is thick with your soul,
the morning hush is an upsurge,
I wake wanting as i dream
It's all so far away.

Yet so close as your soul lingers those last words:

"I'll see you tomorrow"

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May. 31st, 2003 @ 09:53 pm A Note on The Little Things of Life

We are afraid of truth, afraid of fortune, afraid of death, and afraid of each other

The other day, a close acquaintance of mine asked, "Why is life so hard to live?" the bearer of such an ostensibly shallow question shall remain unsaid. I told him only what i have known for only so long, that as humans, as a mortal mind we are urged by the masses to fear the truth, fortune, death and ultimately each other.

1.Truth

It seems that all of us, as some point in our life, are terrified of the truth, we absolutely shun the idea of looking deep within our souls to seek what is assumed..."truth." Why? Subcociously we are terrified that if we look in, we may find nothing, the entirety of our lives, completely meaningless. My friends if this is the case to which you belong to, then you simply have not searched in the right places. From my findings, truth exists only in the simplest of states, because that is exactly what it is, no lies, no facades, its what it is, in the most direct and constitutional form. If we/i could just let go of everything and feel what truth is for just one moment, i think my life would change and i would move to a small african country and digest worms. The truth about the truth is, is that the truth can only be true to you. You make your truth, you are the truth, and no one will ever know, dont be scared of it, manifest your soul into it. intergrate truth and you like a milkshake, shaken not stirred.

2.Fortune

They claim we arent afraid of fortune, sure we'd love to win the lottery. Maybe its just me, but i would abhor to be financially secure and happy based soely upon the luck of a draw. i want my money to be earned, my life will not be measured by luck. I will measure it through hard work and flight. The idea of fortune today, and the idea of fortune 100 years ago are very diffrent. We should embrace the idea that WE are the only ones who can bring fortune into our lives, we can not depend on the simple, the measureable and the countable. Tangible fortune cannot save us, the physical idea of money will never save our souls, or make them better, it takes experience persistence and a wrinkle or two. The idea of being fortunate is one we will only come to know when the fortune has left us, whether it be in love, lax, or lust.

3.Death

Maybe I do consider life very enigmas, but one thing is very hmmm I will further refer to it as the lesser understatement of life. No? yeah to much typing, I was exampling death. But life....ahh to ponder, and so I do, too much. Take death for example a great deal of our effort goes into avoiding it. We make extraordinary efforts to delay it and often consider its intrusion a melancholy event. Yet we'd find it hard to live without it. Death give meaning to our lives, it give importance and vale to time. Time would become meaningless if there were to much of it. If death were inevitably put off the human psyche would end up...diluted. I accept death, its almost beautiful the way that i just put it. And it is, it is value and finalization, reflection, change, it is a fantasy of images. Yet we fear its beauty and the uncertainty of its Devine.

4.Eachother

I think your familiar with the idea of eachother. At times we are weaklings to the love of one another, we are confused at the undertones hidden in the phantom of relationships, but whatever those colors may be, we are drawn to them, by fear and by lust. …ok im done writing I need some coffee.

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Apr. 19th, 2003 @ 03:01 pm a summer rhyme from the american lime: June 2002

"Drugs are Bad"

let me show you what it means to breath
i'll fuck you up like a sick disease.
take your attitude; own it and show it,
Fuck you i'll condone it.

its a funny fuckin scene when your whinin and cryin
you can be rhymin your just fuckin denyin
all you got is this, a fucked up image you only wish could exist.
no possibility comes to your mind, its gone, your mind, you cant fuckin find!!
what you need now...follow through: little bitch bow to me now.

you think you know what it feels like: pain?
why dont you roll the die on my game?
i'll bring it. Shit: i'll bet my fame on it,
touch the rings, the ice and the rims,
i just cant get enough,
you wanna call me cream puff?

Son you cant handle the game i spit,
my ideas; i submit,
are not of the freaks the foolish of the few,
there mine you ass, now lets review:

This is the life, the style of me,
i'll drag you with current, dont damn disagree!
take a taste of my soul...you'll cravin my control
i'll finish my statement and roll you in it,
like a tight ass joint, i'd hate to dissapoint,
you sick little son.

Fight the under current, dont get burnt.
life is a lesson, we fight in regression
take the time to see, that all your gonna need
is the shelter of passion and the morals of compassion

i aint got your head, i only got what i need to be dead:
a life, a heart, a god damn soul
fuck it mack, lets light up that bowl.

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Feb. 20th, 2003 @ 11:12 am The Whatness of Love

I just realized why it is impossible to truly embody what love is in a definition...however complex or simple it may be. Love is a feeling, an emotion, an experience.

Love is hard for some people to understand because in love you must forfeit any sense of individuality and unite with another, creating a space that knows no void, and is fulfilling and complete.

To a lover, time stops and is halted only in the face of insecurity. Love becomes a comfort, a heaven, A justice for strength and weakness.

Love can be a flavor of reality and truth. Perhaps it can grow to be eternal and boundless.

But whatever love is, we each experience it differently, the very reason why it can not simply be defined and classified. And that is what makes love truly beautiful, it is a different shade to all of us, but together our shades can forge the rainbow to a fuller sense of life.

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Feb. 18th, 2003 @ 06:58 pm i actually enjoyed this test compliments of amanda

Test Results

You think of yourself as being Love, Depth, Beauty, and Inspiring.

Others think of you as being Powerful, Majestic, Charitable, and Elegent.

Your relationships can be described as Open, Abysmal, Energizing, and Moving.

When stressed, you feel Free.

Take this test here.

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Cursive X

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