Greetings, primate sports fans! It is with great honour and humiliation that I accept the challenge of being the new OSTF commentator as a new sun of sumo top equality dawns upon us. Today, we shall see a return to form as we commence with the third A League tournament of the 5th season. In case you forgot, Apollo Creed won the first two tournaments. Here now are the results:

A League, Tournament 3:
1. The Chinaman: 12-0 5KOf
2. Red Sonja: 9-3, 6KOf, 2KOa
3. Apollo Creed: 5-7, 1KOf, 3KOa
4. Johnny Cage: 4-8, 3KOf, 5KOa
5. Roadhouse: 3-7, 1KOf, 3KOa
6. Cobra Kai: 1-9, 1KOa

NOTES: All of the sumo tops were hungry for this one. After months of revolution and summary executions of Stalinsky collaborators, everyone wanted to get back in the ring. But it looks like The Chinaman wanted it the most, putting up his first tournament win of this season. Apollo Creed, after winning the first two tournaments, dropped all the way to 3rd. And the defending two-time season champion, Red Sonja, continues to disappoint. But there's still plenty more sumo action to come! Next time, join us for B League, Tournament 2!

Let's have a word with The Chinaman, shall we? How does it feel to win the first tournament of the new OSTF?

The Chinaman: Good.

Dr. Zaius: Is there a new feeling of goodwill amongst the sumo tops, now that you have united together to defeat your common enemy?

C: I will kill you, monkey!

DZ: Excuse me, I am no mere monkey! In case you didn't notice, I have the ability to speak and to reason......and to love. Now if you will excuse us, The Chinaman, that will be all.

The verdict is in! After a long, arduous trial in The Hague, former commissioner of the OSTF, Joey Stalinsky, was found guilty of crimes against sumo top, conspiracy to commit sumo top tyrrany, and loitering.

However, in a surprise move, Mr. Stalinsky agreed to a set of conditions (known as the Obihiro Declaration of Sumo Top Emancipation) which would enable him to retain a position with the OSTF in a purely ceremonial aspect, in order to maintain some semblance of continuity and respectability. The conditions follow:

The Obihiro Declaration of Sumo Top Emancipation

1. Joey Stalinsky will be the ceremonial commissioner with absolutely no real power. His sole duty will be to open each sumo top season be being bounced back and forth between the sumo tops' generous stomachs.

2. Organizational power of the OSTF will fall to the newly-formed Committee for Sumo Top Preparedness. The Committee shall consist of three permanent members and the current league champion.

3. The three permanent members of the Committee shall be Lenny Trotzinsky (leader of the Trotskyist Vikings), Ho Chi Minhzsky (founding member of the Anti-Colonial Sumo Top People's Vanguard Protocol), and Pol Potzsky (Secretary of the Workers' Permanent Revolutionary Spartacist Sumo Top Revolution).

4. The position of sumo top commentator will be filled by the Committee as it sees fit. The next commentator will be Dr. Zaius, an ape who has developed the ability to speak and contemplate all things pertaining to sumo top.

5. All conflicts arising within the OSTF will fall upon the Committee for arbitration.

6. The Committee holds the responsibility for guiding the OSTF and making any changes which might be necessary for assuring sumo top preparedness.

*****************

Hello, my fellow primates! It is I, Dr. Zaius! I wish to take this time to inform you that sumo top tournaments will soon reemerge, like a phoenix from the ashes of sumo top tyrrany!

Long live all bipedals with the ability to speak, and long live the Obihiro Sumo Top Federation and its glorious Committee for Sumo Top Preparedness!

After a bitter month of tumultuous upheaval and riotous sumo insurrection, the evil Commissioner Joey Stalinsky has been cornered in his Belgrade villa, alone. All of his forces have been defeated, deserted, or have joined the sumo tops in their search for sumo top justice. It is only the Commish now. We take you to the villa where he has been hiding out for days, and where a tense stand-off has just about reached its breaking point.

What's this? We're being told now that the sumo tops are making a move to forcibly enter the villa. We take you there live:



Yes! It appears that the sumo tops and their allies, the Trotskyist Vikings, have Stalinsky under custody! They are dragging him out from his villa kicking and screaming! Let's listen!

Stalinsky: Scum! Counter-revolutionaries! You think this is the end, but it isn't!

Apollo Creed: Quiet, you! You'll get what's coming to you as we usher in a new era of sumo top prosperity!

Wow, that is some exciting stuff, ladies and gentlemen! Perhaps we will soon see a return to a new and improved Obihiro Sumo Top Federation! I wonder what's in store for the fallen Commissioner Stalinsky.......

IT iS oNce aGain I, COmmissioner STalinsky. TOday, wE aRe gOing tO mAke sUmo tOp hIstory iN vEneration oF tHe gReatness tHat iS mE. TOday, I pResent tO yOu tHe A LEague TOurnament #3, LiVE! FOr tHe fIrst tIme eVer, aN OsTF tOurnament wIll bE pResented aBsolutely lIve, bLow-bY-bLow, pLay-bY-pLay. YEs, I aM tHat gReat!

NOw, aLl oF tHe A LEaguers aRe fIling iNto tHe cOmpetition aRea iN pRepartion oF tHe sTart. APollo CReed, aS dEfending cHampion, wIll tAke tHe rIght-hAnd sIde oF tHe fIrst mAtch, aGainst THe CHinaman oN tHe lEft. THe tWo sUmo tOps, tHe bRave MAoist cOmrade aNd tHe fIlthy iMperialist, aRe mOunting tHe rIng. THe cRowd hUshes. THey aRe iN pOsition, eVerything iS sEt..........oN mY cOunt, tHe tOurnament wIll bEgin.

ONe.......tWo.......

Apollo Creed: THREE!!!!!!

(suddenly, all of the B League sumo tops drop from the ceiling on ropes, and the A Leaguers rush toward Commissioner Stalinsky's platform. The crowd has lost control and choas takes over.)

Stalinsky: What? Is this TREACHORY?!?!?!?!?!? Stalinist Pirates! After them!!!!!

(the Stalinist Pirates drop their hot dog trays and unsheath their mightly cutlasses, each adorned with a red star.)

Apollo Creed: NOW!!!!!

(suddenly, again, all of the exits to the arena are split open and in rush Trotskyist Vikings who begin to plunge their axes into the Stalinist Pirates. The Pirates and Vikings, each of opposing ideologies, are occupied fighting each other. The sumo tops are now climbing Stalinsky's platform.)

Stalinsky: It will take more than this pathetic, bourgeouis counter-revolution to topple the GREAT STALINSKY!

(suddenly, from below the platform, GENERAL KORNILOV storms out with an army of kulaks to stem the on-rushing tide of revolutionary sumo tops.)

Roadhouse: Kulaks! What should we do?

Red Sonja: We must trudge forward and re-distribute sumo-ness!

General Kornilov: GRRRRRR!!!!!

Stalinsky: HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! I would sooner DESTROY the sumo top league than see it fall out of my hands! Kill them all!

(suddenly, the Ghost of Brett Breterson appears in the air above the platform.)

GoBB: Sic semper tyrannus!

(GoBB plunges through the air and descends upon the army of kulaks, who run away in terror and into the waiting fat folds of the sumo tops.)

Stalinsky: Dear me! The Ghost of Brett Breterson! Time for a quick exit!!!!! They're all yours, Korny!

Kornilov: WHAAAAAAA?

(Stalinsky hits the switch on his jet pack and takes off, leaving the chaos of the sumo top coup below him.)

TO BE CONTINUED...........

WElcome bAck tO mY pIt oF tError! IT iS I, COmmissioner STalinsky, aNd I hAve rEsults fOr yOu! WIth nO fUrther aDo......

A LEague, TOurnament #2:

1. APollo CReed: 11-1, 7KOf, 1KOa
2. THe CHinaman: 8-4, 7KOf, 1KOa
3. REd SOnja: 7-5, 5KOf, 5KOa
4. ROadhouse: 6-6, 1KOf, 6KOa
5. CObra KAi: 1-9, 3KOa
6. JOhnny CAge: 1-9, 4KOa

YEs, APollo CReed aNd hIs cApitalistic, iMperialist sChemes aRe bAck oN tOp iN cOnvincing fAshion! NOt fOr lOng, oNce I sIck mY STalinist pIrates oN hIm! MwAAA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!!!!

************************
Back in the Free Spelling Zone, deep in Johnny Cage's secret lair:

Ghost of Brett Breterson: You have failed me for the last time, Cage!

JC: Just give me another chance! I know I can get back on top!

GoBB: You never were on top, fooo'! And for that, I must turn my back on you! From this moment on, you are NOTHING to me!
(POOF!)

Johnny Cage is left alone in his secret lair. Alone and weeping. Now he only has his velvet paintings of topless women to console him. And a printing press. And a bunch of anti-Stalinsky pamphlets.
*****************
Meanwhile, in Apollo Creed's secret lair:

AC: Hum-de-dum.

(POOF!)
Suddenly, the Ghost of Brett Breterson appears.

GoBB: Creed! Do not be alarmed!

AC: Wha-wha-what are you doing here? I thought you were de-de-de-

GoBB: DEAD?!?!?! I was! But now I have returned to seek vengeance......vengeance from......BEYOND THE GRAVE!!!!

AC: Is this about......Stalinsky?

GoBB: Damn straight! Are you with me?

AC: I'm already there!
********************

Yes, it is I, Commissioner Stalinsky. I have emerged from my daily 3 hours of dictator sleep to give unto you ill-deserved tournament results. Why are they ill-deserved? Because I know what you've been thinking, and it is not Commissioner-friendly!

Be that as it may, I am showing you how powerful I am by choosing to give you the results. But first, more PROCLAMATIONS!

From now on, tHe sEcond lEtter oF eVery wOrd MuST bE cApitalized, uNless aLl oF tHe wOrd iS cApitalized, iN wHich cAse tHe sEcond lEtter wIll bE tHe oNly lEtter NoT cApitalized!

FRom nOw oN, aLl sUmo tOps mUst pRoclaim tHeir aLlegiance tO mY pEt tOad, "KUlak-KIller."

ANd nOw, tHe rEsults:

B LEague, TOurnament #1:

1. DOlemite: 12-0
2. THe BUrninator: 7-5, 1KOf, 1KOa
3. RUmblefish: 6-6, 1KOf
4. BAnana HAmmock: 5-7, 1KOf
5. MR. MAtsumoto: 3-7
6. WAlker TExas RAnger: 1-9, 2KOa

WEll, wEll! DOlemite hAs bEcome tHe vEry fIrst sUmo tOp tO eVer wIn 12 mAtches iN tHe B LEague. NOt eVen REd SOnja dId tHat iN hEr oNe sEason iN tHat lOwly lEague oF sOdomites aNd tRaitors tO tHe FAtherland. ALl vEry wEll, bUt wHo cAres?

********************
Meanwhile, in the Free Spelling Zone:

At the B League dojo, a message is passed under the door to Banana Hammock. It reads: "The chimes at midnight are of a thoughtful pace. I am a woman again."

Banana Hammock nods slowly. He turns to Walker Texas Ranger.

BH: The time is soon!

WTR: But will we be able to unite the B League in time?

BH: We will, or DIE TRYING!

Before we begin the 5th season, I have a few important messages to make. I, Commissioner Joey Stalinsky, am slipping further into totalitarian insanity. From here forth, the former A League shall officially be known as the Great Patriotic A League. And the former B League shall be forevermore known as the Dumping Ground of Spies, Traitors, Capitalists, Imperialists, Trotskyists, Maoists, Hungarians, and Ukrainians Who Will Soon Be Executed. Or, for short, the B League.

Also, I decree that all sumo tops must change their underwear 3 times a day. So that I may check the status of their underwear, all sumo tops must wear their underwear on the outside of their pants.

I decree that I will sell the most hot dogs the sumo top world has ever seen!

I decree that the Stalinist Pirates will henceforth provide all entertainment at the matches, check the tickets at the gate, provide security, and round up suspected traitors and brutally kill them.

I decree that The Birdie move shall be BANISHED from the OSTF!

And that is all......for now!

Now, there was some business about the 5th season. Ah, yes! It has begun. Here's the results from the first tournament:

Great Patriotic A League, 1st Tournament:

1. Apollo Creed, 8-4, 1KOf, 2KOa
2. The Chinaman: 8-4, 7KOf, 2KOa
3. Red Sonja: 7-5, 5KOf, 4KOa
4. Roadhouse: 8-4, 4KOf, 3KOa
5. Cobra Kai: 3-7, 1KOf, 3KOa
6. Johnny Cage: 0-10, 4KOa

Yes, my old nemesis Apollo Creed has come out of hiding to win a tournament after his PATHETIC showing in the 4th season. Can he keep it up, or will he CHOKE UPON HIS GAUDY DISPLAYS OF JINGOISM AND HOMOEROTICISM, a la Rocky IV? Only time will tell......

*********************
Meanwhile, Johnny Cage retires to his secret lair after the match.

Ghost of Brett Breterson: Idiot! You didn't win a single match in the first tournament!!! How are you supposed to lead a sumo top revolution with that kind of incompetence!

Johnny Cage: But I won in the B League!

GoBB: (mockingly) But I won in the B League! Only losers go to the B League, loser! Shape up, man!

JC: Yes, for the cause I must win! And then we will put our plans into action!

*********************
Meanwhile, at The Chinaman's cave:

The Chinaman is pounding his wooden club on a picture of Red Sonja.

The Chinaman: Must......destroy......Red......Sonja. Hate......Red.......Sonja!

*********************
Meanwhile, at the Sumo Top Cafe. The cafe is more quiet than usual. There is no laughter, the air is heavy with exhaustion and desperation. Apollo Creed sits alone in a corner. Roadhouse enters and sits across from him.

Apollo Creed: What do you want, gibroni?

Roadhouse: This isn't about us, Creed! You may not like me, and I may not like you, but we've got to leave that in the ring. There's something more serious we need to talk about.

AC: What is is?

RH: What do you think about........the Commish?

(fade to black)

After an evaluation of all of your activities, I have come to the conclusion that I will let you in on the final results of the GREAT PATRIOTIC A LEAGUE!!!!!

A League 4th Season Finals (alphabetical order):

Apollo Creed: 28-40, 13KOf, 14KOa, 6 pts.
The Chinaman: 52-20, 35KOf, 12KOa, 20 pts.
Dolemite: 18-44, 6KOf, 15KOa, 1 pt.
Red Sonja: 51-21, 35KOf, 19KOa, 28 pts.
Roadhouse: 47-25, 6KOf, 23KOa, 22 pts.
Rumblefish: 8-54, 5KOf, 15KOa, 1 pt.

1. Red Sonja: 58 pts.
2. The Chinaman: 52 pts.
3. Roadhouse: 44 pts.
4. Apollo Creed: -6 pts.
5. Dolemite: -25 pts.
6. Rumblefish: -45 pts.

So Red Sonja has proven the SUPERIORITY of SUMO TOP SOCIALISM by becoming the first sumo top to win two season, and back-to-back, mind you. DEATH TO SPIES! This one was a close one, though. A little too close, if you ask me. Mustn't have too much equality.

As for Dolemite and Rumblefish, they shall be CAST DOWN with the sodomites once again! If they survive the post-season losers' gauntlet, that is.

***************************

Meanwhile, in Johnny Cage's secret lair:

Johnny Cage is feverishly working at his printing press, which is in the basement of his secret lair. Pamphlets are spitting out of the press at an absurd rate of speed. "DEATH TO STALINSKY!" and "FOR A FREE SUMO TOP FEDERATION!" can be seen headlining the pamphlets.

Suddenly, an image appears above Johnny Cage. It is the ghost of Brett Breterson.

GoBB: Our plans are coming to fruition, Cage.

JC: Yes, I have worked my way back into the A League. Now I have gained the credibility to pull off our plans!

GoBB: Yes, and my death at the hands of Stalinsky will soon be avenged!!!!!!

JC: Tomorrow, I will meet with the anti-Stalinsky Vikings, and then.......(inaudible whispering)

Once again, you have survived my decision to either let you live and give you the results, or just have you SHOT. This time.......

First, the pathetic counter-revolutionaries of B League. Here are the season finals:

1. Johnny Cage: 28-8, 4KOf, 12pts.
2. Cobra Kai: 23-11, 1KOf, 8KOa, 12pts.
3. The Burninator: 23-13, 6KOF, 2KOa, 9pts.
4. Banana Hammock: 14-22, 6KOf, 3KOa, 4pts.
5. Mr. Matsumoto: 12-20, 5KOf, 3KOa, 2pts.
6. Walker Texas Ranger: 2-28, 2KOf, 8KOa, 0pts.

After some SUMO TOP math, which is vastly superior to CAPITALIST, IMPERIALIST math, we come to these binding results:

1. Johnny Cage: 32pts.
2. Cobra Kai: 24 pts.
3. The Burninator: 19pts.
4. Banana Hammock: -4pts.
5. Mr. Matsumoto: -6pts.
6. Walker Texas Ranger: -26pts.

So Johnny Cage and Cobra Kai are headed back to the High Order of the Soviet Fatherland, aka the A League. And interestingly enough, it should be noted that Johnny Cage never won a tournament, but he was the season champ. That is a true dictatorship of the proletariat.

On to the A League, the league of collectivized heroes:

A League, 6th Tournament:

1. Red Sonja: 11-1, 9KOf, 1KOa
2. The Chinaman: 8-4, 5KOf, 2KOa
3. Roadhouse: 8-4, 4KOa
4. Rumblefish: 3-9, 3KOf, 2KOa
5. Dolemite: 2-8, 2KOf, 4KOa
6. Apollo Creed: 2-8, 1KOf, 5KOa

So Red Sonja, living up to her proud name, has won her second tournament of the season, thus giving her, The Chinaman, and Roadhouse a three way tie with the tournaments. Who will win the season? I know, because I have WRITTEN the FUTURE! But you do not know, and perhaps you will NEVER know!

Now, if you will excuse me, there are some hotdogs which I would like to redistribute.

Being the glorious Commissioner of all things sumo top, I have once again decided that you have deserved to hear more results......BARELY. But I've been watching you, and don't think I don't know about your TREASONOUS HOARDING!

Now then......

A League, Tournament 5

1. The Chinaman: 11-1, 9 KOf, 1 KOa
2. Red Sonja: 8-4, 6 KOf, 4 KOa
3. Roadhouse: 6-6, 1 KOf, 6 KOa
4. Dolemite: 5-7, 1 KOf, 4 KOa
5. Apollo Creed: 3-7, 1 KOf, 1 KOa
6. Rumblefish: 1-9, 1 KOf, 3 KOa

So, my little Maoist comrade has pulled off another win! The wind is truly coming from the EAST! A new socialist dawn has arisen upon the OSTF! And now, I must say, things are going to be quite REVOLUTIONARY for the 6th and final tournament of the season. The Chinaman and Roadhouse have each won two tournaments, and Red Sonja has won one. If Red Sonja can win the last tournament, anything can happen! This season is still wide open for collectivization!

In less notable news, Dolemite snuck into the play-offs. This pathetic attempt will hardly keep his name off of any lists which I may or may not be maintaining. And Apollo Creed, you should consider your name listed, too.

B League, Tournament 3

1. The Burninator: 10-2, 1 KOf
2. Johnny Cage: 8-4
3. Mr. Matsumoto: 6-6, 2 KOf
4. Banana Hammock: 5-7, 2 KOf, 1 KOa
5. Cobra Kai: 5-5, 3 KOa
6. Walker Texas Ranger: 0-10, 1 KOa

Well, well, well! The Burninator, perhaps in the opening bid of a new 5 year plan, has stepped up to the plate and won the last tournament of the B League season. But will it be enough to promote him to the GLORIOUS FATHERLAND THAT IS THE A LEAGUE?!?!?!?!? Only time will tell, that is, if I choose to tell you the final results of the B League.........

I, Commissioner Stalinsky, have once again CHOSEN to let you in on the latest tournament results here at the OSTF. Never forget, I can also choose to withhold these results, or I could just have you KILLED for even READING THIS! The choice is yours....or rather, it's MINE!

A League, Tournament 4

1. The Chinaman: 8-4, 6KOF, 3KOa
2. Red Sonja: 10-2, 5KOf, 2KOa
3. Roadhouse: 8-4, 2KOf, 3KOa
4. Apollo Creed: 6-6, 3KOf, 3KOa
5. Dolemite: 2-8, 2KOa
6. Rumblefish: 0-10, 3KOa

The Chinaman, in true Maoist fashion, has fought his way back to the top. It's a veritable Cultural Revolution here in the OSTF, and I'm not sure how I feel about that. I guess it's ok, considering the USSR-China split wasn't until after I.....er.......that is, Joseph Stalin died. I, of course, am COMMISSIONER JOEY STALINSKY, and don't you forget it!

Back to sumo top heroics: here we are, 4 tournaments into the season with only 2 tournaments to go, and there have been 3 separate tournament champions! The A League is truly a testament to the GREATNESS of the COMMISSIONER! This season is still up for grabs, even Apollo Creed could take it if he gets his SEDITIOUS ASS IN GEAR!!!!!

Commissioner Stalinsky: By now, I'm sure you've heard the GLORIOUS news. The OSTF has once again been PURGED of all counter-sumo top influence. Thanks to the swift action of the STALINIST PIRATES, all of the undesirables who were too busy "pip-pipping" their way to the governor's ball are WALKING THE PLANK.

I have come to the conclusion that if i want something done, I must do it MYSELF! I am the only truly dependable person in the entire OSTF. It is up to me to continue to spread the sumo top REVOLUTION to new lands. Until further notice, I, Commissioner Joey Stalinsky, shall personally run all aspects of the OSTF. I will be your commentator, I shall officiate the matches, I shall sell beer and hot dogs at the games, I shall keep an eye on all of the comings-and-goings of everyone who even ATTEMPTS to become a fan of the OSTF.

Now it is the time when I choose to tell you the results. Finding out the results is a PRIVILEGE, one that I can easily TAKE AWAY, so keep that in mind.........

A League, Tournament 3:
1. Red Sonja: 9-3, 2KOf, 3KOa
2. Roadhouse, 9-3, 5KOf, 3KOa
3. Apollo Creed: 6-6, 3KOf
4. The Chinaman: 8-4, 2KOf, 3KOa
5. Dolemite: 1-9, 1KOa
6. Rumblefish: 1-9, 2KOa

So Red Sonja finally steps up and wins her first tournament of the 4th season! Good to see a little competition. As for Rumblefish and Dolemite, they are OBVIOUSLY not playing with true revolutionary ZEAL, they are not playing for the COMMISSIONER as all good sumo tops should. They are obviously not playing AS IF THEIR VERY LIVES DEPENDED ON IT!

On to the B League:

B League, Tournament 2:
1. Cobra Kai: 9-3, 2KOa
2. Johnny Cage: 10-2, 1KOf
3. The Burninator: 8-4, 3KOf, 1KOa
4. Banana Hammock: 3-9, 1KOf, 1KOa
5. Walker Texas Ranger: 2-8, 2KOf, 1KOa
6. Mr. Matsumoto: 2-8, 2KOa

Looks like Cobra Kai and Johnny Cage want to get back into the A League, and who could blame them, what whti this PATHETIC COLLECTION OF COUNTER-REVOLUTIONARY VERMIN?!?!?!?!? For my sake, how is it possible that Banana Hammock, with only 3 wins, made it into the play-offs? Pathetic! AND TREACHOROUS!!!!!!

Until next time......keep on sumo toppin' OR ELSE!

AVAST! IT'S PIRATES!!!!!!!!!!

Cap'n Sharkey: Ahoy, landlubbers! It appears that this here blog has been inactive for far too long, so we PIRATES have swept in and plundered to our hearts' content! ARRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHAT'LL IT BE, THE PLANK OR THE MONKEY PIT? YES, THAT'S RIGHT! LORD PIPPINGTON IS OUR NEW PRISONER, AND A FINE PIRATE WENCH HE SHALL MAKE!

Lord Pippington: I say, when can I remove this girdle?

Cap'n Sharkey: Quiet you! Now then, I believe this was once the home of the finest sumo top action this side of Bermuda, and so it shall be once again!

Lord Pippington: Pip, pip! Commissioner Stalinksy won't stand for this, by the nose of Lord Nelson!

Cap'n Sharkey: YAR! How d'ya know he didn't SEND US HERE TO CLEAR OUT ALL OF YOU LAND-LUBBIN', RUM-SPITTIN', FIRST MATE-LOVIN', DECK SWABBIN' DO-NUTHIN'S!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Lord Pippington: Drat.

Cap'n Sharkey: Yes, that's right, we are STALINIST PIRATES, and we have sailed the seven seas to plunder and murder and pillage and construct the finest planks the world has ever known! And now we have dropped anchor here at the OSTF to gut this fish of all of the dead-weight, of all of you NINNIES who would rather go pheasent hunting in your finest tweed than offer up the SUMO TOP ACTION that we all want so desperately!

THINGS ARE GOING TO CHANGE, MATEYS!!!!!!

I daresay I am far too excited to even begin to contemplate what witty banter I might be able to possibly conspire to fill this space, so let us take a look at the latest tournament:

A League, Tournament #2:

1. Roadhouse: 9-3, 1KOf, 2KOa
2. Red Sonja: 6-6, 5KOf, 4KOa
3. The Chinaman: 10-2, 8KOf, 1KOa
4. Apollo Creed: 5-7, 1KOf, 2KOa
5. Dolemite: 4-6, 1KOf, 2KOa
6. Rumblefish: 0-10, 3KOa

NOTES: Well then, it appears that Roadhouse might be more than just a flash in the pan, pip, pip! He's going to make this season a rather interesting one, rather! The Chinaman appears to have recovered somewhat from his disasterous injury from the 1st season, judging by the amount of KOf's he put up. However, he choked in the play-offs and had to settle for 3rd place. And Red Sonja has once again disappointed. Was last season just beginner's luck, or is there a curse upon the champion?

Pip, pip! Tis I, Lord Pippington, at your most humble service! I must apologize most humbly for our inexcusable delay in proceeding with the much bally-hooed 4th seasonal installment of the most revered Obihiro Sumo Top Federation. Really, there's no excuse for the tardiness, unless of course you consider some of the most prime fox hunting that Her Majesty has to offer to be a bad excuse. Or, if you happen to consider dining upon the finest Russian sturgeon cavier at Commissioner Stalinsky's private estate in Volgograd a bad excuse, then I must beg your forgiveness.

In fact, we were having such a splendid time at Commissoner Stalinsky's estate, sipping upon the most exquisite sherry and pheasant hunting in our spare time, that we almost forgot about our obligations to the OSTF! Can you imagine? As it turns out (and you will be most humoured to hear this, dear chums), the members of the OSTF became a wee-bit restless and actually had seasons 4, 5, 6, and 7 in our absence. Of course, these seasons were automatically rendered null and void, and the most pesky members of the OSTF were re-educated in their impudence by the Commissioner's most trusted and tender goons.

And you should note that our absence was not blended with a complete and total lack of effort on our behalf. Please draw your attention to the info section of this blog, where you will notice up-dated information providing the all-time statistics for every OSTF member, broken down by league. Now that you know this, I will most graciously accept your apology for becoming a tad bit irate at my most excusable absence.

Now then, if it pleases your impatience, shall we begin this 4th season?

Season Four!

A League, 1st Tournament:

1. Roadhouse: 8-4, 1KOf, 4KOa
2. Red Sonja: 6-6, 4KOf, 5KOa
3. Apollo Creed: 6-6, 5KOf, 2KOa
4. The Chinaman: 7-5, 5KOf, 2KOa
5. Dolemite: 4-6, 2KOf, 2KOa
6. Rumblefish: 3-7, 1KOf, 2KOa

NOTES: Well, well! It appears that Red Sonja may have come across a case of the champion's hangover! Each previous champion has failed to live up to expectations after their championship season; will Red Sonja fall prey to said curse, or can she break it? This is only the first tournament, but she managed to put in her worst showing ever! Even so, she came in second, a testament to her perseverance!

Roadhouse managed to come out on top, becoming only the 5th sumo top to win a tournament in the A League. Will he be able to win more, or will he be banished to history's dustbin, a la Cobra Kai, who won the very first OSTF tournament but has failed to repeat?

B League, 1st Tournament:

1. Cobra Kai: 9-3, 1KOF, 3KOa
2. Johnny Cage: 10-2, 3KOF
3. Banana Hammock: 6-6, 3KOf, 1KOa
4. The Burninator: 5-7, 2KOf, 1KOa
5. Mr. Matsumoto: 4-6, 3KOf, 1KOa
6. Walker Texas Ranger: 0-10, 6KOa

NOTES: It appears that former A Leaguers might be exerting their power in the lowly B League. If Cobra Kai and Johnny Cage can continue to display this high level of competition, then they might be able to earn a ticket back into the might A League! The question is, will said tickets be one-way, or round trip?

In unrelated news, Walker Texas Ranger just might be the worst sumo top ever.

Tis I, Lord Pippington! I know with what exasperated breathlessness with which you await the final results, so I shall not dally! I present to you, the final results for the B League and the A League, dear friends!

B League (in alphabetical order):

Banana Hammock: 13-21, 8KOf, 10KOa, 5 pts.
The Burninator: 15-17, 6KOf, 4KOa, 2 pts.
Dolemite: 28-8, 3KOf, 7KOa, 16 pts.
Johnny Cage: 19-17, 6KOf, 2KOa, 5 pts.
Rumblefish: 20-16, 6KOf, 3KOa, 11 pts.
Walker Texas Ranger: 7-23, 7KOf, 10KOa, 0 pts.

TOTALS:
1. Dolemite: 36 pts.
2. Rumblefish: 15 pts.
3. Johnny Cage: 7 pts.
4. The Burninator: 0 pts.
5. Banana Hammock: -3 pts.
6. Walker Texas Ranger: -16 pts.

NOTES: Well, well! It appears that The Birdie is not quite worth its salt, and that even more original B Leaguers are heading for the big-time-stuff!!!!!!!! Looks like Dolemite and Rumblefish are heading for the A League, my fine children!

A League (in alphabetical order):

Apollo Creed: 28-38, 10KOf, 12KOa, 11 pts.
The Chinaman: 33-39, 21KOf, 16KOa, 13 pts.
Cobra Kai: 25-39, 7KOf, 19KOa, 4 pts.
Mr. Matsumoto: 21-43, 20KOf, 19KOa, 5 pts.
Red Sonja: 61-11, 44KOf, 8KOa, 38 pts.
Roadhouse: 36-34, 3KOf, 27KOa, 13 pts.

TOTALS:
1. Red Sonja: 88 pts.
2. Roadhouse: 15 pts.
3. The Chinaman: 7 pts.
4. Apollo Creed: 1 pt.
5. Cobra Kai: -10 pts.
6. Mr. Matsumoto: -17 pts.

NOTES: RED SONJA has truly found her calling! From B League to SEASON CHAMPION, dear chaps! Even I, Lord Pippington, cannot contain my excitement! And she smashed quite a few records along the way. If you don't believe me, just consult the most esteemed Hall of Records, found in the user section.

Apollo Creed, the former champion, sank quite low, friends. However, he managed to sneak into the A League for another season.

Cobra Kai and Mr. Matsumoto, A League members from the beginning, were not so lucky. They will contribute to the on-going immigration of original A Leaguers to the lowly depths. For the 4th season, it looks like we'll have 4 of the original B Leaguers competing in the A League, and 4 of the original A Leaguers wallowing about in the B League. My, what treachorous webs we weave!

Please return, my companions, for more SUMO TOP FOLLIES!!!!!

Once again, it tis I, your most humble commentator, Lord Pippington. Pip, pip! We have a jolly good show for you today, so let's get right to this sticky wicket, shall we?

( Assorted goings-on )

My, my! There has been a ton of sumo top action here in the OSTF during the past week. But why should you listen to me when we have a NEW SUMO TOP COMMENTATOR! Allow me to introduce, fresh from his stint as a commentator for the Oxford rowing team, LORD PIPPINGTON!

Lord Pippington: Why, I say, dear man. It tis truly a great honour for me to gain employment here with the cream of the sumo top crop, the OSTF. Pip, pip. Not one to mince words, allow me to present to you, in condensed form, the results for the 3rd-5th A League tournaments, and the 2nd B League tournament. Rather.

A League, Tournament #3:
1. Red Sonja: 11-1, 8 KOF, 1 KOa
2. Roadhouse: 8-4, 1 KOf, 4 KOa
3. Cobra Kai: 5-7, 2 KOf, 4 KOa
4. The Chinaman: 5-7, 2 KOf, 2 KOa
5. Mr. Matsumoto: 3-7, 3 KOf, 4 KOa
6. Apollo Creed: 2-8, 1 KOf, 3 KOa

NOTES: Dear me, dear, dear me. Red Sonja appears to have settled in for a swimmingly grand time in the A League. This is her third straight tournament win, and she appears to be sailing toward a golden horizon of season champion-hood. Apollo Creed, the defending season champion, has sunk dreadfully low. His sentiments probably echo those of Right Honourable Sir Lieutenant Reginald H. Fifferton, Esq., upon taking the field at the battle of Preatoria: "This is certainly not why I tried to seduce the queen's half-uncle."

B League, Tournament #2:
1. Dolemite: 9-3, 3KOa
2. Banana Hammock: 6-6, 5KOf, 2KOa
3. Johnny Cage: 6-6, 2KOf
4. Rumblefish: 5-7, 1KOf, 3KOa
5. Walker Texas Ranger: 4-6, 4KOf, 4KOa
6. The Burninator: 4-6, 2KOf, 2KOa

NOTES: With one more B League tournament to go, Dolemite appears to have solidified his justly-earned spot at the top of the B League. Shall the next stop be A League-dom? And for the first time ever, the lowly Banana Hammock reaches the play-offs and comes in second. It reminds me of the time when our washboy back at the Estate got a tad bit uppity and spit in my bed-pan whilst my head was turned.

A League, Tournament #4:
1. Red Sonja: 11-1, 7KOf, 1KOa
2. The Chinaman: 6-6, 6KOf, 1KOa
3. Roadhouse: 6-6, 4KOa
4. Apollo Creed: 5-7, 1KOf, 3KOa
5. Cobra Kai: 4-6, 2KOa
6. Mr. Matsumoto: 2-8, 2KOf, 3KOa

NOTES: Red Sonja continues her dominant ways, a veritable Queen Elizabeth I of sumo top. However, a perfect, 12-win tournament eludes her, as an evening of carnal pleasures of the flesh seems to elude me. Apollo Creed finally makes his way into the play-offs, however. Will he be able to avoid becoming the first season champion to be demoted to the B League? Only time will tell. And lastly, it appears as though Mr. Matsumoto's magic may be wearing off.

A League, Tournament #5:
1. Red Sonja: 11-1, 6KOf, 1KOa
2. Apollo Creed: 6-6, 3KOf
3. Roadhouse: 6-6, 6KOa
4. The Chinaman: 5-7, 2KOf, 2KOa
5. Cobra Kai: 4-6, 1KOf, 2KOa
6. Mr. Matsumoto: 2-8, 2KOf, 3KOa

NOTES: A number of notables here, chaps. Red Sonja becomes the first sumo top to win 5 tournaments in one season, and Roadhouse has the dubious honour of having the most KOa's in one tournament. Also, we have finally begun to see the Apollo Creed that we all know and love back in proverbial action. He just might manage to surprise afterall, dear readers.

With all of this action to digest, I bid you ado. I shall return with the results of the last tournaments in the A and B Leagues. Until then, think of England!

Before we get on to the results, some new ITEMS!

*Starting with season 3, there will be 3 B League tournaments instead of 2. The B League tournaments will be held after the 1st, 3rd, and 5th A League tournaments.

*From now on, each player who makes it to the play-offs will get one point. The rest of the point system will remain in tact (1 point for 3rd place, 3 for 2nd, and 5 for 1st). So, the 3rd place player will now get 2 points and so on.

*We're still searching for a new commentator. Until one is found, all commentary shall remain colourless and anonymous.

Now, on to the results:

We've had a busy few days with 2 A League tournaments and 1 B League tournament, so I will keep this short and only give the final results:

A League, Tournament #1:
1. Red Sonja: 9-3, 8 KOf, 1KOa
2. The Chinaman: 7-5, 5 KOf, 2KOa
3. Cobra Kai: 6-6, 2KOf, 4KOa
4. Mr. Matsumoto: 5-7, 4KOf, 3KOa
5. Apollo Creed: 4-6, 2KOa
6. Roadhouse: 3-7, 4KOa

NOTES: What's this?! Apollo Creed, the defending SEASON CHAMP, didn't even make the play-offs! Good god, man! This is certainly a first. Also, Red Sonja made a smashing A League debut, not only winning the tournament, but also tying the record for most KOf's in one tournament. Roadhouse, however, did not impress. He's gonna have to do better than that to stay in the top league.

B League, Tournament #1:
1. Dolemite: 9-3, 1KOf, 3KOa
2. Rumblefish: 8-4, 2KOf
3. The Burninator: 7-5, 2KOf
4. Johnny Cage: 6-6, 1KOf
5. Walker Texas Ranger: 2-8, 2KOf, 2KOa
6. Banana Hammock: 2-8, 1KOf, 3KOa

NOTES: The absence of Red Sonja enabled some of the other B Leaguers to show what they're got. However, the demoted A Leaguers failed to impress even in the B League. In other news, both Walker Texas Ranger and Banana Hammock attempted to use The Birdie, but it failed to give the same spectacular results as Mr. Matsumoto.

A League, Tournament #2:
1. Red Sonja: 11-1, 10KOf, 1KOa
2. Mr. Matsumoto: 8-4, 7KOf, 3KOa
3. The Chinaman: 6-6, 4KOf, 4KOa
4. Roadhouse: 6-6, 5KOa
5. Cobra Kai: 3-7, 1KOf, 5KOa
6. Apollo Creed: 1-9, 3KOa

NOTES: Oh, how the mighty have fallen! We all remember how The Chinaman, after his dominating performance in the first season, failed to live up to the hype in the second season, but this takes it to new depths! Apollo Creed, who dominated in the second season, came in DEAD LAST in this tournament! He's gonna have to seriously turn it around if he wants to even stand a chance at salvaging this season.

One possible explanation for Creed's fall from grace is the dominating arrival of Red Sonja to the A League. She has won her second tournament and BROKE the record for most KOf's in a single tournament. Meanwhile, Mr. Matsumoto continues to find success with The Birdie.

........deep inside Johnny Cage's ultra-secret Fortress of Sumo Top Solitude:

Johnny Cage is sitting in the lotus position on the tatami mats of his sumo top dojo. The only light comes from the incense that is burning in the corner.

Johnny Cage: Why? Why have I fallen into the sewage that is the B League? What have I done to deserve this? WHAT HAVE I DONE?! Was it some past-life mistake? Bad karma? Or was it something more........drastic?

(FLASHBACK: We see a youthful Johnny Cage slowly close in on his Chicken Skin Car with That Look in his eyes)

JC: No, not the B League!!!!!

(Suddenly, a blue mist begins to appear in the corner of the dojo, and gradually a ghostly image of BRETT BRETERSON hovers over the tatami mats.)

JC: MY GOD! BRETT BRETERSON! BUT YOU'RE D....D....D....D......

Ghost of Brett Breterson: Dead?

JC: YEAH!

GoBB: Yes, I am. I was visciously murdered by Commissioner Stalinsky, but i have returned from the dead to seek my revenge!

JC: What do you mean?

GoBB: I shall be your GHOST SENSEI! Just like in Kick Boxer, I shall guide you from the dead, guide you to ULTIMATE VICTORY. You shall become the CHAMPION, and I shall have my REVENGE!

JC: I don't think the Commish will look highly upon this......

GoBB: Never mind him. All we have to do is.........(inaudible whispering).........

(FADE OUT)