Oh I just realised that I also get excited when I get an email. That is the point my life is at right now, I get excited over email because I always hope that it is a comment or something else from someone that I can reply to.

Sometimes it just hits me in the face how fucking lame and nerdy I am. Good Lord. Good thing I have some social graces otherwise I would be fucked.

Ugh, i need to be up in like five hours and cannot fall asleep for the life of me. Im in a weird funk, i need to clear my head or something.

Happy one day late birthday to cgallivan. Sorry it's late, but it still comes from the heart.

So sometime this month I have to go to San Diego and pick up Danika's ashes because they can only hold them for 90 days. I don't want to, but it's something that needs to be done.

Most people would have figured that I would have wanted her ashes by now and for me getting her ashes just makes everything so final. So devastating. It will be like how I have her social security card sitting on a bookshelf in another room, or how I keep getting baby related things in the mail. I'm supposed to have a week old daughter right now, I'm not supposed to be going to San Diego and picking up ashes of a daughter I lost before I really even got a chance to say hello.

Everyone thinks that I am so strong and on the inside I am falling to pieces. There is this song by Taylor Swift, called Tied Together With a Smile that I am going to post the lyrics to because I relate so much to it. One of my best friends sent it to me because she knows that I put on a smile while inside I am slowly losing it. She also told me to really listen to, read what have you the first verse because it exactly says how I feel about myself. I appear strong but I'm so not. Good days. Bad days. Today is one of the bad days and I wish that I was I wasn't at home crying by myself.


"Tied Together With A Smile"

Seems the only one who doesn't see your beauty
Is the face in the mirror looking back at you
You walk around here thinking you're not pretty
But that's not true, cause I know you...

[Chorus:]

Hold on, baby, you're losing it
The water's high, you're jumping into it
And letting go... and no one knows
That you cry, but you don't tell anyone
That you might not be the golden one
And you're tied together with a smile
But you're coming undone

I guess it's true that love was all you wanted
Cause you're giving it away like it's extra change
Hoping it will end up in his pocket
But he leaves you out like a penny in the rain
Oh, cause it's not his price to pay
Not his price to pay...

[Repeat Chorus]

You're tied together with a smile
But you're coming undone... oh
Goodbye, baby
Goodbye, baby
With a smile, baby, baby

I know that some of you know the details of what happened with Danika, I have been giving snippets here and there, but what follows is the full story from the morning I woke up and knew that I was going into labor until the day that she passed away.

( It's long but I would love you to read it. )

a lolz i found in my photobucket account that i totally forgot i had.

( i think its funny )

So im lying in bed and tonight i am missing danika so much i feel like my heart is breaking all over again. I almost made it a week without crying. Almost.

So im back in phoenix, with no new tattoo or piercing but i did make new friends and a possible concussion, going to the hospital now.

I feel like i got the shit kicked out of me from how many times i fell yesterday. No more drinking for me for a while

Waking up and having my hair stink like puke is not a good thing. Me thinks i had too much to drink last night. Going to take a shower now.

Ok yay, things are sorted and christy and i are on our way to tucson. Wendy im going to call you if we get lost fyi :) ill let everyone know once we are settled

it's nearly 5 in the morning and i am still awake. i am really stressing about this trip, i feel like some kind of drama is going to happen or something bad is going to happen and its got me worried. i think i am just scared of some sort of drama happening and feelings getting hurt and people being mad at each other or me and i dont want that.

my hand hurts because i have been writing for the last like six hours and apparently i hold the pen pretty tightly because my hand is like cramping.

ugh, there is this icky feeling in the pit of my stomach that something is wrong or going to go wrong. either that or it's hunger because as usual i forgot to eat. i had dinner like ten hours ago. i dont think that its normal to not get hungry. the only time that i ever really got hungry was when i was pregnant and even then i wasnt eating enough. maybe i should start drinking those nutrition shakes again. who knows.

im tired, i think im going to take a xanax and go to sleep. i bet you guys ten to one that i end up waking up in like three hours. either that or the xanax will give me blissful sleep and i will wake up at like noon, you know after getting a whole 7 hours of sleep. ridiculous.

I gave up and downloaded semagic to see if I could get it to work this way, since I have been trying for an hour to put pictures behind a cut with regular html codes and apparently I suck ass at html.

Anyway, some of you, if not most of you dont know what I look like, so I'm posting some pictures that John took of me tonight. This is something that makes me nervous because I really consider myself to be quite heinous, so showing myself to random people on the internet is weird, but I'm going to try to be brave and hope that I can get the fucking cut to work because I'm starting to get really annoyed. Oh, and yes, for those of you that noticed, my right eye is half brown, so that's why it looks brown in some of the pictures and in others it looks blueish brown.

EDIT- READ IT!!! Comment bitches. I want to know what people think of these pictures. And I mean bitches in the nicest way possible, like, please comment my nice friends on my friends list.



( More pictures of ME!!! )

So I haven't been updating much because I don't have much new to say.

It's like all of my posts are me complaining about what happened with Danika, and It sucks because right now that's pretty much what consumes my life. I don't have a job, so it's not like I have that as a distraction and I don't really care what anyone says, but this is quite possibly the most painful thing that could happen to a person. I'm trying to get better and the harder I try, the worse I feel, it's a weird cycle.

I found out bad news at the doctors on Friday, which I should be used to by now. I'll get into it more later but basically I'm at a huge risk of needed to get a hysterectomy. Especially if I get pregnant again. It's awesome. I gotta love my life sometimes.

I'm evaluating relationships that I have with a couple of people and I'm trying to decide if I can keep them going. There are a couple people that I love, one of them I love more than they really understand, but it's like my love goes unappreciated as does my friendship and I don't really know if I can continue to be friends with people that don't truly appreciate me. Especially when they are people that I love. I hate being in one sided things and I hate knowing that if I did end up walking away from them, it would go pretty much unnoticed. I hate the fact that girls like me are a dime a dozen and that I am pretty much easily replaceable if I think about it. Knowing that breaks my heart just as much as losing Danika does.

I'm really not as strong as everyone thinks I am.

I don't listen to coldplay very often, but I came across the lyrics of this song today and it made me cry, I think it spells out how I feel just a little too well.

"Fix You"

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I...

Tears stream down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I...

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Oh yes, I'm also thinking about bringing a suit against the hospital in SD. I'll explain more about that later, but I am looking for a good lawyer that deals with medical malpractice suits.

Surgery went well, except I woke up pissed at the nurse and swearing I was still in SD and kept telling her to stop telling me I was in AZ.

Even though I am sore, I am feeling better. I think that my body is happy they finally got all the crap out of me that killed Danika and almost killed me. You know, the body is amazing and will fight off stuff for months but sometimes it will just give up, I'm so glad that mine was strong enough to go through all of this.

I have a follow up in two weeks and hopefully by this time it will be the end of this whole drama. I miss Danika, but I can't move on with crap that keeps happening. But I no longer cry all day and no longer burst into tears when I see a baby or a pregnant woman, so I think that's an improvement, even if just a small one.

I watched Garden State for the first time this week or late last week and I'm so in love. That movie is so fabulous on so many levels, I wish I could explain them all, but I can't. So many things in the movie are huge to me on a a level that I can't explain to you guys and may never even explain to the person that makes me feel safe.

I've been getting impatient with my life and some of the people in it, and sometimes I sit back and realise that I expect too much from people. Kinda makes me sad to say that, but sometimes I expect someone to be something huge to me and all they really are is someone who is passing through my life, and I will find the reasons why eventually. There are other people that I know for a fact are supposed to be there, and at times we have to fight to make sure we make it and we know that we will if we get the chance, we just have to make sure that we wait it out and that eventually time will give us what we've been waiting for. There are people I refuse to let go, people that I love and make me feel safe, I just have to wait. I've never been good at waiting. People are in for a reason, a season or a lifetime, just have to learn to hold onto the ones that are meant to be there for a lifetime.

But I think I need to quit typing for a while, the computers edge is hitting right where I had an IV or where they took blood or something and it's killing me.

Just letting you guys know I made it through surgery and am feeling better about life.

Plus I'm heading to Christy's soon and I love Christy, so life is good.

So I normally don't post about religion, because I know that a lot of my friends aren't religious or what have you. But most of you know that I do have faith and there are times like today when I look at a bible verse and it just hits me. Totally takes my breath away and makes me feel so much more at peace. Even if you're not religious, I would like you to read it, just because it's from the bible doesn't mean that it doesn't pertain to life.

Ecclesiastes 3

A Time for Everything

1 There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:

2 a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,

3 a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,

4 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,

5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,

6 a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,

7 a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,

8 a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.

This verse just made me realise that its ok for me to be sad because there will be a new time for me to be happy. Eventually my season will change. I just want to get to the point where I can celebrate Danikas life instead of mourning the loss of it.

I am seriously so good at screwing things up. People are mad at me and all i can do is cry all the time because my daughter died. Not how its supposed to be

i'm a freaking mess. I miss my daughter more than words can say and i keep freaking out on people i love more than anything and they dont know i love them

This is totally irrelevant but sometime I wish that someone, sometime would describe me as gorgeous. Don't get me wrong I appreciate pretty and cute and beautiful but just once I want to be considered gorgeous.

Some people have it, some people don't. Maybe I'm not one of those people.

So ive got my epidural and am getting medication to induce contractions, send me and the baby good thoughts and pray shes strong enough to make it

Contractions started today, im trying to stay calm but its not working. This isnt how its supposed to be.

So, Im in the hospital in SD because my water broke really early, so now im on bed rest to try to keep her in for at least another 4 weeks. Heres to hoping.

I love it when my cats and ferrets play together. It's so cute.

I hate when people are assholes to me for something i didnt do. I just want to tell them to take their assholery someplace else and leave me out of it.

My day just went from really good to really shitty in about 30 seconds. I just had to take an ambulance to the hospital. Ill update when i can.

So I gave the ferrets a bath and got MAC Cosmetics today, so far its shaping up to be a pretty awesome weekend.

:)

Whenever i hear or see the name chester i automatically think of chester copperpot.