Hotaru · No · Mori

I'm counting down until the day is over and then I'm going to go home and either fall asleep or play Penny Arcade. I need something low stress to play at, without dire consequences. I wanna play DDR or dance frenetically. I want to freak out and not worry about who's listening.

EEEEEEEEEEEEEP

I'm pretty sure the other admins around here are feeling similarly. I just think I hit my burn-out limit. Everyone's got one.

My dad left his job, which makes me worry. I mean, he's in a highly specialized area with a lot of demand...but there are only so many jobs you can go through before the industry thinks that you'll just treat them the same way. He's too young to retire, and at least my mom has her job with benefits...but it still makes me nervous.

I'm kinda worrying about the state of things now. Like, pit of the stomach, nervous energy worrying. I know intellectually that these things happen, but when it becomes personal, it hits you 100 times more intensely.

I feel exhausted.

I who am dead a thousand years,
And wrote this sweet archaic song,
Send you my words for messengers
The way I shall not pass along.

I care not if you bridge the seas,
Or ride secure the cruel sky,
Or build consummate palaces
Of metal or of masonry.

But have you wine and music still,
And statues and a bright-eyed love,
And foolish thoughts of good and ill,
And prayers to them who sit above?

How shall we conquer? Like a wind
That falls at eve our fancies blow,
And old Maeonides the blind
Said it three thousand years ago.

O friend unseen, unborn, unknown,
Student of our sweet English tongue,
Read out my words at night, alone:
I was a poet, I was young.

Since I can never see your face,
And never shake you by the hand,
I send my soul through time and space
To greet you. You will understand.

By James Elroy Flecker (1884-1915)

Hahah, I got this link from two different, unconnected lj friends at the same time. (Yoinked from ltdead and ersigh) Judging from their answers and the ones who commented to them, if we were ALL chained to a bunk bed with a raptor, I would be the FIRST to go. In fact, it might go down like this: I go into the bottom bunk because I mistakenly believe the ladder will protect me, raptor comes in from the side and slashes me, I freak out when I see the blood, it takes my arm, and then I give up and die.

In the meantime, the rest of you have up to 82 seconds to figure out how to take that raptor DOWN.

I believe in you.

I'm going salsa dancing with some co-workers today in Mountain View. I'm excited because it's been a REALLLLLLY long time since I've been dancing. Hopefully everyone is pretty nice. You just never know. What's interesting is that I'm so much more comfortable being assertive on a dance floor in a way that I don't exhibit much outside of it. It's a comfortable place for me, and I've done really embarrassing things on it, but I also feel comfortable saying no to partners I don't want, asking partners to dance that I want, and ending dances without feeling like I have to engage them more. I thank my parents for that. When you're learning to interact in a specific physical space influenced by your parents, you just don't see it as something really scuzzy or rebellious and it gets rid of a lot of social ambiguity.

I started getting really testy with S last night for no reason. I don't know what was wrong with me. I just didn't want to play. So I worked out with some weights and I felt a little better. That's what my sister used to do when she was angry at our mom (all the time). By the time she was out of high school, the girl had CRAZY biceps. @_@ And it really helped her control her anger.

I was wondering about Sarah Palin's claim that Alaska has enough oil for everyone (said during her speech at the RNC) because I was like...well...shouldn't she know? She's governor of Alaska. Maybe she's sitting on top of some humongous resource that no one wants to tap (for political, not environmental reasons). But...I highly doubt that now. If they really only provide 4.8% of our nation's domestically used crude oil, then they would have to increase production 20 times over in order to provide the entire nation with crude oil. @_@ That just doesn't sound possible. And that figure isn't even including the amount of alternative energy consumption which crude oil doesn't cover. Eeeesh.

Oh, and here's that SNL Palin/Clinton skit that you might have heard about. It doesn't touch on anything that you probably haven't heard before, and it's very funny. =D

Cool fact: Stanford's incoming freshman population this year is about 1,700. One in six of those freshman are first generation college students. (It would be interesting to know what this number was before, but it's been emphasized to me that this is an impressive figure.) Which means the financial packages are really working it. Kids who never even APPLIED to Stanford despite their high academic achievements are applying now and are able to AFFORD to come to school. I hear they're hiring a full-time person just to take care of the first generation needs. (This is actually what my aunt does at Cal State--she provides advising for first generation college students.)

Had another nightmare last night. This one was very The Grudge-themed. Gibbering ghosts, incipient doom, possessed house. I don't think I've slept through the night for 3 or 4 nights now. I've been going to bed early and getting up late, so overall, I think I'm doing all right, but it's not terribly pleasant. S is ETERNALLY patient with me in the middle of the night, though. It's very comforting the way she immediately wraps me up in her arms and pets my head and lets me turn on lights and such. I wonder if I subconsciously would have less nightmares if I knew that she wouldn't be so solicitous when they happen.

I love XKCD. =D It brings me joy. And now that I have it feeding to my journal (is RSS what its called?) I can experience it EVERY DAY.

Two nights ago I had no less than 7, count 'em, SEVEN distinct and subsequent nightmares. Poor S was woken up every hour or so by my screams or whimperings or desperate clutchings. It was kind of ridiculous. The dreams would always start out kinda nice, but they always twisted in the end in a not-so-fun way.

I'm enjoying my clothes from H&M. I've never shopped there before, but their style looks very good on me for work. Business Casual. The only problem is that I'm sorta in-between on their shirt sizes, because they assume that I have a larger chest and a smaller waist than I actually have. There is some kind of negotiating I have to do with that. ^^;

Work is busy, but it feels good, the way a long hard burning workout feels good. XD

I *knew* that Oliver Twist couldn't have found safe haven a third of the way into the book, but it still hurt terribly to see it all go to naught. I hope it turns out all right, but I've still got over half a book of (probable) misery to get through first.

I re-read some of the Time Traveler's Wife. I cried, and then I was depressed, and then I clung to S for the rest of the night. Damn sentimental novels. But I revised my initial impression in that I can now see how immaculately it's crafted. Structure can be confusing, but is impeccable. Damn.

It's really wonderful that they were able to be married (again) before she passed away. Now, hopefully, we can keep that marriage on the books.

Vote no on Prop 8 in November! (That's the one that will define marriage as between a man and a woman.)

Here's my little story on voting:

In freshman year of college, I was on my own for the first time in a city I didn't know. I was struggling a bit to deal with the immensity of things: choosing classes, keeping myself on task, finding and making and keeping friends, etc. So when voting time came around, I procrastinated on re-registering for the new county. There wasn't too much on the ballot that I was really familiar with. There was a proposition to outlaw gay marriage, but I thought to myself: this is California, there's no WAY that would pass.

The proposition was Proposition 22. It passed. And let me just say that I was not an identifying lesbian at that time. I was having fun with friends, I think that jeshii and I had recently (?) broken up, I was questioning again why I was alone in the world and could never seem to fall in love, but even still...I felt that this decision was a big mistake.

I have voted every year now since that time (with the exception of the one year in Japan). It still amazes me when I hear people saying how they don't vote, they don't believe in the system, it's corrupt, so why bother, etc, etc. And I look at them and say, "At least vote LOCAL."

So there ya have it. Vote local. And vote no on Prop 8. But if you can't bring yourself to vote no, then at least vote. I promise I won't get mad.

I just won't invite you to my wedding. ;)

Well, in the tradition of youtube, there are many dancers who have already done this, but none have lit my heart with joy as much as this guy. He makes the original dancers look like they're just not trying hard enough. =D Go korean gay boy!

I finished Watchmen, and I think I'm going to need some time. I will not contest that it was masterfully done, but I will never. read it. again. @_@ This is not a book which is integrated well into the bunny psyche.

I am sooooo food motivated. My grandparents invited my sister, me and our SO's over for crab tonight, and hot damn if I'm not going to make the 1 hour drive. ;) It'll be good to see them too. It's really nice of them to go out of their way and make us a nice dinner just to see us. I'm going to see if I can't find some sudoku puzzles or something to give them.

If I was a psychologist or someone working on my PhD in psychology, I would like to write a dissertation on food thievery. It's just so bloody fascinating to me. There is a communal fridge/kitchen. There is always food thievery. Are they students? Are they co-workers? Are they hungry? Are they poor? Are they taking it because it looks good? Is it a habit? Is it a guilty indulgence? I would like to run hundreds and hundreds of blind questionnaires that ask if you have ever stolen food, when and how and why did you do it, and would you do it again? What are deterrents to food thievery? What are incentives? I'd like to have an empirical way of knowing these things.

I had some food stolen from my lunch on Friday (or maybe Thursday...I didn't look at it until Friday). It was surprising. My little glad tupperware is the only one in the fridge. There are two cold slices of meatloaf slathered in chili-garlic and sitting on top of a bed of mixed rice and corn. We're not looking at the cream of the crop here. When I opened my tupperware, there was a conspicuous hole where the second meatloaf slice used to be. Not bothering the rest of the food, someone had carefully lifted out a slice and consumed it. REALLY?! @_@ I'm not angry so much as amused. Why not eat it all? Did they feel guilty? Were they just not that hungry? Did they see it and feel compelled to taste it? The mysteries abound! =D

My cough is finally getting demonstrably better. I only pretend to die for about 30 min in the morning, with light intervals of breathing, and once I start moving around for a couple of hours, I'm generally okay. Some throat clearing, and light coughs and that's it. We'll see if this happens again next year though. Perhaps I'm allergic to something in the peninsula that is foreign to east bay lands.

I like being able to sing again though, and that's my main gripe about a constant cough. S still winces at my attempts at the higher notes a) because I'm not a soprano, b) because that doesn't stop me from trying and c) because the remaining scratchiness in my throat still prevents me from hitting anything close to accuracy. That's ok. Practice makes perfect. ;)

And so the question remains, my faithful readers. Have you ever stolen food? How, why, when, and would you do it again? =)

I will specifically say that this does not apply to Vienna Teng. She's more amazing live than on any recording. (Which is interesting, because Vienna has admitted herself that her vocal technique is all wrong...but she still sounds great, and she knows how to work it. Oh, and Regina Spektor lives up to expectations too.) I would like to say that this does not apply to Muse, and it probably doesn't, but in the large arena-like venues I've seen them perform in, with the flashing lights and electric hookups, it's hard to divorce myself from the feeling that they're just a CD...I mean, they sound exactly like their CD. @_@ Perhaps I'd have a different opinion if I saw them at a more personal venue.

Girlyman sounds very different live than on their recording, and I don't think it's because they're messing with anything in the studio. I think they just don't have that performance oomph which allows them to be strong in front of people. With three mics and many takes, they sound perfect and slick, but on the stage, they just get ragged and thin a lot of times. They try to stretch too far, they're a little green, and that means when they take chances with variations on stage, they don't really pan out well most of the time.

Anyway, I was thinking this because I was kinda getting into some songs by Flyleaf, which is unusual for me, because I'm not the hard rock kinda person, but then I saw a live recording and I was like....euuuugh. Still, the songs are catchy. And she's the first female I've heard do that raspy screaming thing that guys do in hard rock. It was impressive...ya know...in the music video.

"I'm sorry I had a small problem while retrieving info for this song. It's my fault."

At the same time, the following lecture is being held at Stanford:

Outdoor Science Talk 3 - Wired for Speech: How Voice Activates Interactions with People and Computers by CLIFFORD NASS , The Thomas More Storke Professor and Professor, by courtesy, of Computer Science and Sociology

"In this lecture, you will discover how voice can lead people to be polite to computers, to gender-stereotype cars, to buy more when a website's personality matches their own, to be charmed by a toy's flattery, and to drive more safely when the car has the correct emotion. You will learn whether an automated call center should apologize when it can't understand what you say; why negotiations and creativity can improve when your words don't come from your mouth; when to speak to maximize learning; how to encourage people to disagree with a robot; and the perfect combination of microphone and speaker to elicit honesty. This discussion will also help you gain a better understanding of the future of the machines that will speak with and listen to us."

So to that program, I say: "Yes, yes it is your fault." =P

I've had a cough for four weeks, and I'm becoming increasingly phleghmy. I've been on sudafed for one week, anti-biotics for two days, flonase for 2 weeks. Since work was stressful and busy, I was working pretty hard all last week, and when I finally gave myself permission to poop out, I just really...fell apart. Mostly, now, I feel exhausted. My body does not want to move. Movement leads to the horrible coughing, the phlegm, the loss of breath and (since the anti-biotics) abdominal discomfort, gas and sometimes, pain.

I just want to get better already. =(

But...this too shall pass. I'm trying to breathe and just take it easy. Take care of the problems as they arise. Watch tons of Queer as Folk. Try not to feel guilty for not helping with the second day of attic installation. My doctors aren't really sure what I have and how to cure it. We're just throwing the kitchen sink at it and biding our time.

I suck at biding time. XP

I really, really, really hate inhalers though. If there's one thing that will get my gag reflex going, it's spurts of cold, compressed air into the back of my throat and tongue. @_@

Speaking of dancing, they were filming a High School Musical 3 outside of my work building today. @_@ A couple of coworkers and I oggled for a glimpse of the main girl as they were doing it. Made me remember how I played with the idea of becoming a movie grip or technical hand one day.

I wonder if the scene will make it past the cutting room and if they'll scrub the words "Pigott Hall, post no flyers" off in the editing.

Tomorrow, all county court offices will be required to allow gay couples to attain marriage licenses (though not all will perform the marriage ceremonies). I'm going to make a little celebratory noise when they begin, and watch the news reports flood in. But it's always important to take these things seriously as well, so here's an FAQ that I found particularly helpful. In particular, it settles the (personally relative) concern that the marriages performed in 2004 would be reinstated (they won't), and how this law affects out-of-staters. Also, probably what I've never even thought of, and what should probably be mentioned, is that California does not have a residency requirement for marriage--but has one for divorce. So if you're from out-of-state and looking to get hitched, you should just understand that if you want to dissolve that fly-by-night union, one of you has to come back and live here for 6 months before you qualify for divorce. Just kind think about it first, kay?

Celebrate on!