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May 17th, 2008
 | 01:39 am - Rudeness and the origin of a phobia
As I've mentioned before, I'm fairly shy when dealing with strangers, and this becomes significantly more problematic when I have to ask for anything beyond the most minimal service from clerks in stores, servers in restaurants, or any other service personnel. This is one of the reasons I deeply loathe my dairy allergy, since I often must ask to see packages and ask detailed questions, since it's far from reasonable to assume that servers in restaurants know the details what ingredients are in the bread the restaurant purchases. In such situations, I become shy, embarrassed, and deeply uncomfortable at such times and generally must force myself to do this.
I now vividly understand why. From my PoV, my parents, especially my mother, are horrifically rude in a way particularly common among the nouveau riche, especially on the East Coast. They are impressively demanding and have such an overblown sense of entitlement when dealing with any service personnel that I feel deeply embarrassed to be with them. This morning, I watched my father badger a busy server for a table with a better view, and this afternoon I watched my mother badger the desk clerk at the motel we are in (which my parents stay at often and thus have some various frequent occupancy status) because we only got one voucher for a free item of food at their snack bar, instead of two. Having been told that policy had changed and so they would only get one, my mom was quietly nasty, and eventually the desk clerk (who was exceptionally nice) relented and gave her a second one (thus gaining, at most a $2 bag of chips or candy). On the few occasions when I have objected or attempted to call my parents on this behavior, they talk about it as having to "be tough" to get what you want or deserve and can clearly see absolutely nothing wrong with their actions and in fact feel proud of how they act and consider the fact that I do not act this way as a sign of either weakness or naiveté.
A few minutes after I watched the second incident, I suddenly realized that the origin of my specific social phobia when dealing with asking for extra attention for service personnel. Even from young age, I never wanted to be like my parents in this. I never wanted to badger service personnel or to ever be that demanding and rude. That realization instantly filled me with a great deal of both joy and pride. I'm very glad that even as a child I understood how impressively rude and horrid my parents are because they assume that their money entitles them to all manner of special attention. I don't know why so much of how my parents attempted to raise me failed or utterly backfired, but I'm exceptionally that that it did.
In with all this came the related realization that the fact certain types of rudeness are one of the fastest way to cause me to decide to avoid someone and even to stop being friends with someone is closely tied into my reactions to my parents' actions. In any case, I'm also getting better at dealing with asking about food, since when I'm with my parents the option is my mother doing this, and the way she browbeats servers bothers me far more than my own phobia. My parents are old and have lives that I consider horridly limited in terms of social contact (largely by choice), and I feel sorry for them, but I also am disgusted by them.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/opiummmm/foxies/thoughtful.gif) contemplative
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 | 01:17 am - Back in Contact
Thursday was wonderful, except when I went to get on-line in the evening and found that some distant thunderstorm had killed the local wifi (it still wasn't back the next morning). I have no trouble being off-line when there is sufficient enjoyable social contact – Walking the Thresholds is an excellent example of such a time. ![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) teaotter and I spending time with my parents is vividly not an example of enjoyable social contact. I need time to contact the world beyond the sphere of my parents. Also, sf author Daniel Keys Moran coined the term "datastarve" in his wonderfully fun novel The Long Run, and I vividly know what that is like, but for me it's largely related to social contact and communication. The social contact of lj and even RPG.net is a fairly important part of my life, especially when other social contact is below optimum.
In any case, Mesa Verde was wonderful and amazing, and in addition to seeing all manner of fascinating things (photos coming once I'm back in Portland), the restaurant there served some of the finest food I've ever had – definitely 3+ star restaurant quality food. However, I'm very glad to be back on-line.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/opiummmm/foxies/sad.gif) tired
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May 14th, 2008
| 08:36 pm - Mesa Verde Day One
While there is no internet access in the rooms in Mesa Verde, there is at the main building (with the gift shop and restaurant). There is absolutely no cellphone reception, but even here the internet is still accessible, which definitely makes me happy.
Flying was as exhausting and unpleasant as it always is – I've never understood being afraid of flying, but loathing commercial air travel is very easy indeed. Seeing my parents goes well, largely because it hasn't been long enough for my mother to get mean and vindictive – that usually takes three days.
The landscape however is spectacular and unexpected. We haven't actually seen any cliff dwellings yet, because we didn't arrive at Mesa Verde until 5:00 PM, but the land is odd. I expected it to look like California, and it does, except that everything is far greener. To me, California is very obviously a desert that feels (even on the coast) far too barren and waterless. Here, there is considerably more water, which means that the mesquite, sagebrush, and suchlike are all far greener and more lush. It's also cold, with lows in the 30s, and highs only in the low 60s – very different from the heat wave Portland is likely experiencing for the next three days.
Also, while I love cities in all ways, having the chance to really see the stars, is always a joy. The first time I really saw them was in Egypt, when I was 14, which is when I realized that the phrase The Milky Way had actual meaning when you could clearly see the sky in a largely lightless region.
In other news, my 2 week vacation ends when I return. I have two back to back projects - one that looks interesting, and another that is an Exalted project that I've been wanting to work on for several years.
Current Mood: tired
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May 13th, 2008
| 04:58 pm - Out of Town: Mesa Verde
My parents suggested teaotter and I go on a short vacation with them, so tomorrow (much to early in the morning) we are flying to Denver to meet them, and from there we are going to Durango Colorado and driving to Mesa Verde, where we will spend a couple of days. We'll have two nights there and two nights in Durango, which will be punctuated by a train ride through some mountains. From my PoV, the most interesting part is the fact that the train is a coal-fired, steam-powered locomotive, and that should be fascinating and the mountains will hopefully be somewhat interesting. I'm certain to have internet access in Durango (we're stay at a Marriott), but have no clue if there will be any sort of info access at the lodge in Mesa Verde. I'm hoping they have wifi, but if not, I'll be offline until Saturday evening, which is a prospect that definitely does not fill me with joy. Thankfully, I have a wealth of paper and ebooks and Becca for company. This should be the last trip I make with my distinctly aging PDA, so future travels should be brightened by a far superior ebook reader and media player.
Mesa Verde should definitely be interesting – my parents other two suggestions for places to visit were various Southwestern scenic areas (Zion and the Grand Canyon), which certainly look impressive in photographs, but are equally certain to not be remotely my sort of thing (having little interest in wilderness areas, especially ones located in deserts). OTOH, I've studied (rather longer ago than I care to think about) the Anasazi culture a bit, but have never actually seen any Anasazi sites, so that should be fascinating. I'll have my lovely new camera with me, so there will most definitely be photos posted here.
While it looks to be enjoyable, I find that for me the primary importance of travel is visiting people I like, and that's most definitely not the case here – I dislike having to temporarily reshape myself and my life to avoid conflict with my parents (and the associated risk of decreased parental largesse). However, the timing is at least good, since I seem to have two weeks off between various projects (which is the first two weeks without impressive deadline pressure that I've had for more than six months). I'm also once again struck by how lucky I am to live in a diverse and cosmopolitan city, where I can very easily find all manner of food compatible with my dairy allergy. However, all reports indicate that the food at Mesa Verde is some version of traditional Navajo, which sounds both delicious and workable. In any case, I shall return to Portland early Sunday evening, stressed from visiting my parents, but hopefully with some interesting experiences to show for it.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/opiummmm/foxies/angry.gif) stressed
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 | 12:48 am - Excellent political cartoon.
My friend nevikmoore just posted this truly excellent cartoon about the US presidential race. It's both a gem and far too true.
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May 12th, 2008
| 10:34 pm - Feline steampunk and other wonders
Aaron and Daire visited tonight, and Aaron showed me some truly amazing links to a site of a sculptor and armorer who has made a whole series of cat and mouse armor, that is utterly amazing, as well as a whole series of steampunk to pulp era wackiness from rocket packs to flying suits for cats. Much niftiness.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/opiummmm/foxies/happy.gif) impressed
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 | 05:02 pm - Thankfully, China is very large
I've heard numerous reports of the huge (7.9 at latest report) earthquake in China a number of hours ago. Thankfully, a quick look at google revealed with close to Chingdu, and amberite is in Yangzhou, around 1,000 miles away. While I did read reports of people in Shanghai noticing the quake (Shanghai being fairly close to where Alice is), email from Alice revealed: "Earthquake? What earthquake? I'm going to hit Google now. I just woke up from a twelve-hour nap."
All is well with the only person I know in China, although things look rather less good for people in Sichuan Province.
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May 11th, 2008
| 05:37 pm - [Gaming] Something nifty to look forward to (Transhuman SF RPG_
Here's the first public announcement that I've seen for Eclipse Phase, which I worked on at the end of last year and early this year. I can't reveal any details, but I wrote around 30,000 words for it, and it's quite honestly the coolest SF rpg that I've ever worked on. It does transhuman SF of the likes of Alastair Reynolds and Ken MacLeod perfectly. Also, the cover is cool (it's the bottom-most image in the link).
Current Mood: pleased
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 | 01:23 pm - Phone service query: Vonage
Has anyone tried Vonage for their home phone service? After seeing an ad amidst tivoing through a commercial break, I looking into it, and $15.00/month for 500 outgoing minutes + unlimited incoming calls nationwide for a landline phone sounds exceptionally good. So, are there any pitfalls to worry about - service interuptions, hidden charges...?
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/opiummmm/foxies/confused.gif) curious
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May 10th, 2008
| 12:02 pm - Exploring Deep Seated Reactions
From this and many similar studies, it's become increasingly clear over the last decade that most decision-making happens at an unconscious or pre-conscious level, where various "subroutines" within our minds make many decisions and then our conscious mind attempts to explain &/or justify this decision as the one that was sensible or right.
In any case, two nights ago, teaotter and I were talking about some of the automatic assumptions or subroutines we each have for various sorts of decisions. We worked out two – dealing with unfamiliar situations that are not obviously dangerous or threatening, and dealing with conflict. ( Here's what we discovered )
Current Mood: contemplative
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May 9th, 2008
 | 02:21 am - Not Always Red In Tooth And Claw
bruceb pointed me to this absolutely amazing discussion of spontaneous play between carnivores of very different species, which is lovely and wonderful, and well worth viewing. In any case, I'm reminded of the discussions of cooperation instead of aggression that I linked to in this post. One of the inherent blinders we having in this culture is the idea that conflict and aggression are in some way more natural or expected than cooperation or play. I think that some part our bias in this direction comes from a combination of the inherent assumptions of conflict built into capitalism and the fact that modern Western culture as a whole was designed around the ideology of conquest.
However, in my lifetime, as I've discussed somewhat here and in the various links, I've seen belief of the primacy and unavoidability of violence and aggression become far more common that it was 30-40 years ago. I'm fairly certain that this change is largely due to a mixture of deliberate fear-mongering and non-deliberate marketing decisions made by a largely right-wing controlled mass media. In any case, regardless of the reasons, these biases often blind us to the fact that violence and aggression are only one of many equally natural responses. I very much look forward to our culture overcoming the negativity and associated cynicism of the last 30 years.
Current Mood: hopeful
Current Music: The First - Tegan and Sara
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May 8th, 2008
| 02:29 pm - [Gaming] What I’d do with games I’ve worked on
I’ve written a whole lot of gaming supplements, and major portions a number of RPGs, and yet I’m essentially never tempted to play anything out of the box. I’m by nature a tinkerer and when I look at a game, my first thought is how to change it (in both setting and rules) to better fit what I would want to do with it. So, here are a number of the games that I’ve worked on and what I’d like to do with them. ( Campaign ideas found here )
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/opiummmm/foxies/nerdy.gif) geeky
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 | 02:11 pm - Impressive steampunk article
Steampunk isn't my personal style (although it's somewhat close, and I'd certainly carry a brass-covered iphone), but I definitely appreciate it, and know several people who it works perfectly on. For them and everyone else, here's a truly impressive NYT article on steampunk style, which seems to actually "get" the idea, is in no way dismissive, and (most impressive) features images of people of all shapes, sizes, and races and with many images of both men and women. Very nice indeed.
I was especially struck by two quotes (the first by someone interviewed, the second in the text in the lovely photo gallery) that work well for me:
"This is more refined. It goes back to a time when people had some dignity.
and"the style is also an expression of a desire to return to ritual and formality..."
Current Mood: pleased
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 | 02:32 am - House of Suns: A truly excellent novel
I’ve been holding off finishing Alastair Reynolds’ galaxy-spanning epic, House of Suns, (which I mentioned previously in this post) because it’s his best work to date, and it’s been such a joy to read that I didn’t want it to end. Having a short break in my work, I finished it tonight, and the ending was as good as the rest. It was a novel of the power of friendship, love, forgiveness, and wonder across literally millions of years. It also contains a fairly important line that was delivered with absolutely no irony "Nonetheless, we offer you forgiveness. What is the point of being a superior civilization if you can't do that once in a while?", and another line that is something that is exceptionally true, at least for me: "Surprises are good. It's what we live for, sentients like you and me.". It is above all else an impressively humane novel and unlike much of his earlier work, not deeply sad. Alastair Reynolds and P.C. Hodgell are far and away my favorite authors, and this is the finest novel I've read in quite a number of years.
Current Mood: jubilant
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May 7th, 2008
 | 01:24 pm - Wisdom from webcomics
Todays XKCD is as good as always, but also made me think of one of the major reasons that I'm poly - I am unwilling to give up those sorts of moments.
Current Mood: amused
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| 12:47 am - Musings of an Ex-Sidekick
When I was much younger, I was always very much attracted to strange, exotic, and magical people, but considered myself to be someone whose own life and experiences were fairly mundane and that my ticket to wonders I was certain existed was to seek out various unusual people and bask in their strangeness. My preferred mode for several decades was as the sidekick and close companion to someone eccentric and wonderful. Being a sidekick was specifically an important part of how I defined myself . It’s only been within the last seven or eight years that I’ve been willing to believe that I might be such a person myself, and only very recently that I recognized that I still retained a great number of habits from those days that are no longer particular accurate reflections of who I am, even if they are sometimes useful. ( more here, including some occult oddities )
Current Mood: thoughtful
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May 5th, 2008
| 01:23 am - Geeky Musings on Terminator: The Sarah Conner Chronicles
Watching the new season of Battlestar Galactica reminded me how much I like the new show Terminator: The Sarah Conner Chronicles – it is similar to BSG in a number of obvious and non-obvious ways, except that in The Sarah Conner Chronicles, the protagonists (or at least Sarah and perhaps John Conner) seem to be heading towards the idea that the only way to stop the cycle of violence and prevent the war is to find some way to defuse or avoid the conflict (or at least that’s my guess), while in BSG, if humanity survives is will solely be through luck or fate, and not because any of the characters has done anything remotely positive or humane.
teaotter also mentioned that she read someone comment about how they wished Joss Whedon has been in charge of T:SCC, and someone else responded that they were exceptionally pleased that he wasn’t, because for all of his virtues, one of his most obvious faults is that the only characters who can be actually heroes (as opposed to sidekicks or dependents) are those characters who can whomp the snot out of their opponents. Given that part of the point of T:SCC is that this is impossible, and the only way to defeat a terminator robot is to either have another terminator robot on your side or to be exceptionally clever and lucky (and often those are not enough, mostly you just flee). Because of the strong and clearly deliberate parallels drawn between Derek Reese and Cameron also because of and Sarah Conner’s unwillingness to accept either of their more violent and deadly solutions, I see this as precisely the sort of show Joss Whedon wouldn’t work on, in large part because it seems to be (or at least I hope it is) about finding solutions beyond violence. I could be wrong, but I’m definitely hoping I’m not and am exceptionally pleased this show is now definitely coming back for another season. ( Various fannish speculations and musings follow )
Current Mood: geeky
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May 3rd, 2008
| 01:20 am - Musing on narratives – Heroic, Trader, and Trickster Stories
There are times when one encounters an idea that significantly reshapes how one thinks about something. Today, that happened with thinking about the sorts of stories and games I both like and dislike. I love epic, grandiose, and deeply exotic settings, but often do not enjoy the sorts of novels or games typically set in them. I have various explanations for this, but today I found another, and perhaps better one. I was reading this fascinating and wonderful thread on RPG.net, and in addition to deeply loving the idea of the setting, the person who came up with this idea also wrote this passage, which reshaped my thinking about stories a bit: A crucial difference between heroic myth and trader myth is the degree to which the world can be changed. A hero is knocking his shoulders on the corners of the universe all the time; he can't help but change it all in his image. He doesn't have to work at it at all, the child of chance and privilege. A trader is a small being in a vast and endless omniverse; triumphs and failures are, by the nature of that, of the self rather than of one's surroundings. The hero is the mirror of his universe. The trader is the mirror of himself, and he has to work hard to polish that surface to the desired image. Amber (both Zelazny's books and the RPG based on them) is a heroic story, as is Exalted, especially if the PCs are Celestial Exalted – these are in fact two of the penultimate examples of heroic stories – an epically mighty hero conquers, transforms, or otherwise drastically reshapes the entire setting. I have very little interest in the most epic heroic stories. I often enjoy less epic hero stories, but I love truly epic settings and in heroic stories, these always contain equally epic (and thus to me inherently dull) heroes - the deeds and lives of exceptionally powerful demigods hold little interest for me. In such stories and games, the characters are by their nature world shapers and makers, and I ultimately find that idea to be constricting and dull.
I do not see myself in such stories and characters and I find little interest in following the ever-grander triumphs of most truly epic heroes. I don’t think such tales are inferior, they are just not for me. In vivid contrast, there’s little that I enjoy more than a good trader story. I’ve read Andre Norton’s The Zero Stone and Uncharted Stars more than half a dozen times each, and on a more epic scale, I love Vinge’s A Deepness in the Sky. Tales of traders, scholars, and wanderers exploring settings far vaster than they are, and which they cannot and have no hope of conquering or controlling are very much the stuff of my dreams and what I prefer in the games I play and the stories I read. Which, is of course why when I write for Exalted, my heart is always in the tales of Enlightened (ie magic using) mortals, God-Blooded, and other beings who are manifestly not the lords and rulers of Creation, but merely exotic travelers and a wondrous land. I find it definitely a shame that heroic stories are almost the sole model for gaming that arent’ dark stories of hopeless horror, of which the most obvious example is Call of Cthulhu. However, not that I have a name and a concept that I didn’t have before, I can perhaps change that somewhat with my own work.
In any case, while trickster stories are more definitely not the same as trader stories, and are slightly less to my taste, I can definitely enjoy a good trickster story, which is why I definitely enjoy the epic trickster story that is Doctor Who. The Doctor does not (except on the rarest occasions and for the briefest moments) control the world he’s visiting, but he influences everyplace he goes. Of course, it’s easy for me to think of this, because Alastair Reynolds’ brilliant new novel House of Suns is in many ways a trader story, in a spectacularly epic setting. I very much loved it and highly recommend it.
Current Mood: contemplative
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May 2nd, 2008
| 01:50 am - Petal fall and the knowing of home
teaotter and I have our own names for some unique Portland, pseudo-seasons, with the most important and lovely being petal-fall – when the cherry blossoms fall from the trees in such abundance as to create snow-like drifts on the nearby streets and sidewalks. The effect is magical and lovely and always speaks to me of early spring. This year, it was several weeks late and so it coincided with elm-fall, which is the related season when all of the many elm trees (which vanished from the rest of the US long ago) loose their small coin-like seeds in similarly if less impressive drifts.
When we went to the library this last Monday, I didn't have my camera with me, but we saw a long stretch of street and sidewalk completely covered to a depth of more than an inch with cherry blossoms. When we got back home, I got my camera and went back out – I didn't walk as far as the library, but I found much that was almost as amazing and lovely. Here is some of what I saw.
( images of petal fall )
On Wednesday, I went to the Whole Foods two blocks from my house and when I was getting some food for dinner (braised cabbage and homemade chicken salad ) and some delicious, locally made dairy free coconut ice cream, I overheard two of the checkers talking about Beltaine rituals (and magical Beltaine gardening things) they were planning for later that day. Then, I walked home and saw someone sitting in a car reading a SF novel by Steve Perry that I've also read and enjoyed. Portland is home.
Current Mood: content
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April 30th, 2008
| 01:24 am - Ups and Downs
Today was amazing. I woke up to (finally and at long last) having my comp copies of Dreams of the First Age, for Exalted. Gonzo transhumanist fantasy at its finest. I very rarely run games, and I'm tempted to run one using it. Also, I have a wonderful conversation with amberite last night and awoke this morning to an electronic copy of amberite's novel (which I had not seen before) in my email. Both DotFA and the novel were excellent. Then, I had an absolutely marvelous phone conversation with shadowmorphic, which very much made me happy and was fascinating and wonderful. After that, I spent some time with teaotter and made a very good fried tofu and sugar snap peas dish for dinner, followed by a delicious coconut-milk based banana pudding for dessert.
However, then Becca went to sleep, and after seeing Aaron and Daire yesterday, and conversations with Alice, Becca, and Jade, I'm feeling both alone and lonely. I was starting to feel this when Becca was going to bed, and she reminded me that (for the first time in my life) I occasionally needed time alone before Alice left for China. Alice gets back in a month + 3 days, which fills me with joy. It's very difficult when someone who is so much a part of my life is so far away and when most of the other people who are deeply important to me live all the way across the country. One of (several) reasons I am poly and wish to be an a long-term stable multiple partner relationship is that my social needs are quite high, and the somewhat increased amount of socializing I've been doing of late has vividly reminded me of that, in part because of the sadness I feel when I go from such interactions to solitude. When both Becca and Alice are around, I dearly love interacting with other people who are very close to me, but it's far less difficult and not particularly painful when I go from intensive interaction to even fairly brief periods of solitude. Until recently, I had not realized how much of a social interaction deficit I was running under.
Current Mood: sad
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