henry

10:44 am: It's only day 2. Day 2 of the 3 days where I have 4 finals. I had forgotten how draining finals are, and now I'm remembering and it's a shame it's only the middle of the first round! here's my schedule:
Mon: 1 morning final, 1 afternoon final
Tues: 1 morning final
Wed: 1 morning final
Sat: 1 morning final
Mon: 1 morning final
Mon: 1 morning final
Tues: 1 morning final

Of course they're all hard. I'm only able to update now and reflect on how hard they are because the one tomorrow isn't so hard. sort of. Anyway, I'm learning a lot, it's a shame that I don't have time to reflect on it and soak it up. the stuff I've learned in the last few months I feel like it would have been nice to have taken 1 year to do, maybe a year and half. that would be more like it. And they're all good things too, now that I review the material! hahaha, it's unfortunate that it took me like 2 months to get used to everything and then I had a month to go back and catch up and then finals! And of course I goofed off that month instead of catching up. Next semester will be different!! how many times have I said that? at least in college, I had 5 years (10 semesters not counting summers!) to get it right. next semester is supposed to be my last. it's a state of mind right? it's too bad mine had been hibernating and chillin out for the last 4 years after college!! time to wake up again! okay, back to studying....

04:25 pm: Halfway back
On my way home now, and I'm stopped in philadelphia for a stop over. So I figured I might as well type up an update to post on my journal later. Since they made me pull out my laptop. It's nice to be back and in a way, it feels like I'm back for good or that I haven't been back in forever. Maybe this is how it feels to go away where you can't easily come back for school. I've never had that before since I went to berkeley and would come home every other weekend or when I needed money....even during the week if need be, though I don't think I did that! Anywayz, it's good to smell the smell of vaporized fat in the air from all the fryers and the fat in the foods. It's making me hungry. I should get a philly cheesesteak here, but I forgot which terminal that was in....I think that was way far away and I don't want to lug my bag and laptop there. The first thing I notice is that people don't take as much care in their appearance here as they do in Italy. Good thing? Bad thing? Just something I noticed right away. Not as many women wearing make up and definitely no men dressed up in suits just for fun like they do in italy. Now, instead of lower-moderately dressed as I was when I was in Italy, I'm not over-dressed! It's strange, not a bad thing since I do miss wearing my shorts. It's too bad I'm only here in the inter time this time and the fact that I didn't bring my shorts. I hope I have some shorts I didn't know about back home. I can see in the news that it's also raining in Bay Area, and it looks like there's some precipitation out near Tahoe too. I should make a day to go up, but I don't have much time nor do I have much money. So much I want to do. Definitely need to go to In n' Out though. That's for sure. I can't wait to see everyone. I think I'll call up Sandy when I get back. I haven't spoken to her or anything since she left, cause right after my parents came and it was morning to night with them. not that it was a bad thing, it was just very tiring and not what I Was used to, the "italian" way. A lot of things I do miss about the States, but there's definitely things that I don't. Fat foods is one of the things I DO miss. And of course Chinese food and Asian food in general.

Christmas season was missed this year, again. Looking back now, I'm one of those that missed it. I have missed it now for the 27th time.

08:11 pm: Closing in on the first month of being here in Rome, I guess I should update on how things are. Of course only the frustrations come to mind first, and that always makes things seem worse than they are. Isn't that what these journals/blogs usually turn out to me anyway? It's strange that it happens that way I think, since when we write, or speak during the experience it's usually about the negatives, and then when the whole ordeal is over, we only remember the positives. But I'll try and refrain from only speaking of the negatives only.

Academics:
One of my intentions is studying philosophy here, so that I can expand my personal and intellectual understanding of my faith life. I was expecting it to be more lax than American Universities, but that must be a product of my American pride/grooming. When they say "intensive" here, they definitely mean it. It's pretty amazing how brilliant the professors here are. The campus doesn't look very nice, and neither do the facilities (there's wireless Access points on campus, but we can't connect to them....I'm going to have to ask about that), and the administrative organization is definitely not as well orchestrated as any type of organization you'd find in the US. But the quality and content of the classes are amazing. I don't understand how this dichotomy comes about. I think that's one more reason why I was totally shocked at the level of education these classes are presenting. We're well in the third week of classes now and I still haven't set down a routine study schedule. So far, it's been going on campus early and finding a spot to sit down and read. I really need to just find a place and time to really study like I did back at Cal. Another interesting thing is that there are suggested readings for each class, but they're not necessary (at all) for the lectures and they're really only just suggested. It makes me nervous since I come from the schooling where the books are required and you should have read the assigned readings before the lectures. I'm not sure how well I can take this. I'm also looking for an "Intro to Philosophy" type book that can give me some overview or basics. I thought about this last summer, but I honestly didn't think I would need it since I expected the education to not be as "intenstive" as I see them now to be! I have a lot of catching up to do.

Spiritual life:
I know for sure I'm definitely under some heavy spiritual attack and I haven't done enough about it. Linked with the not being able to find a place to study, I haven't found a good time/place to pray and read my Bible. I know I've been meaning to read the Bible on my own for a while now (since like Jan of 2006?) but I STILL haven't gotten around to it. And it gets more and more discouraging. I've only gotten to visit one church here near the neighborhood were we're living and it was nice, but I didn't have time to sit down and pray in there. You'd think with a church at every corner here in Rome, I'd get to pray all I want, but unfortunately, i've been caught up in all the business of life. I've only been to Mass on Sundays regularly, which is nice since it's in English, but I really want to go to daily Mass and maybe learn the Mass in Italian. I found a good place to do confession weekly like I used to, and that's a definite step. Albeit, it's stalled there. It's a huge effort for me to just keep going to confession every week and it's definitely a struggle. There's adoration during the day on campus, but I find myself struggling to go. i've only gone once so far in the two weeks it's been going on and only for like 5 minutes. I'm in a sorry state of affairs in regards to my spiritual life at the moment.

Life in general:
I question a lot of the reasons why I'm here since I do miss a lot of things of back home. Good asian food for one! But I have to say that I often remind myself how all the amateur theology that I did back home teaching sunday school and reading all my books would not have a good foundation if I don't have a good grasp of philosophy. I know I've been through that the past two years not only in teaching, but also in my personal faith struggles.
I also wanted to experience the culture here, but that's a little difficult in that I don't speak Italian. I'm picking up things here and there, but it's still quite difficult. It's definitely an experience, but to experience culture, I think going to classes in english and living with someone that's from the US makes it even more difficult. But I think this is a good start. But having classmates from all over the US and the world makes things much more interesting. Little by little I guess. One encouraging thing was that yesterday I went to the Vatican to arrange some plans for the visit my parents, sister and her fiance when they come this Christmas, and I ran into father Benedict Groeschel. I got to take a picture with him so that was pretty cool.

The pope's message to us students studying here in Rome was to not just learn about Christ, but to know Him through being in silence and contemplation. I was expecting him to say some hugely abstract theological thing, but I guess that counts. Which makes him that much better of a theologian. I'm in desperate need of that silence and contemplation. I guess that break isn't just going to fall into my lap. Time to make some hard decisions.

01:43 pm: Rome, Italy is NOT romantic when:

1. you have to deal with the beauracracy

2. the public transport decides to strike

3. people treat italians better than you cause you're not italian

4. the banks CHARGE money to keep it for you

5. 4 days here and I've only got to visit 1 church!! Didn't even have time to stay and pray.

6. Everything is expensive

7. voltage blows out the router so only one person can get online at a time

8. have to stay up late to chat with friends and write emails

9. not sure how to send/recieve stuff via the post

I'll leave it at that cause it might seem like I hate it here. But I don't! I know it's just some stuff I have to work through since I just got here. This is all part of the experience and I love it :)

08:10 pm: and I can't really tell ya what I'm gonna do; there are so many thoughts in my head....

10:36 pm: is there any worse offense than betrayal?

01:32 am: If at Mass, we are really witnessing the re-presentation, and the reality of the one Sacrifice of Christ, meaning we're there at Calvary at the moment of Consecration, that does that mean for us if we're not adequately prepared to see such a sight?? To talk in Mass, or to read a book, or listen to the radio or something during Mass then would be like doing those things while witnessing an execution. It'd be like thinking about that hot girl two pews up, when someone's being put to death. It'd be like worrying about what to make for dinner when someone's being killed in front of our very eyes. And keep in mind, this death is undeserved and it is for us! How could I have been so disrespectful/irreverent/unappreciating/blind to not have known that the God of the Universe was being killed by His creation so that I may live?

01:31 am: So I was thinking about prayer. Prayer is a form of communication between persons (God is three persons and we can be communicating with any of them or all of them!) So it's a form of interpersonal communication.
In a way of looking at sexual intercourse, it can be seen as a form of interpersonal communication between two people, with the the language of that of the body (literal body language, like what are you saying with a kiss? a handshake, a hug, etc.) So if that's the case, check this out: When we pray, we're communicating with a perfect person, one that understands us and knows us better than we know ourselves. when we communicate with other people, it's hard because we don't know them and we don't fully (like eternally) know ourselves. And if sexual intercouse is a form of interpersonal communication, I'd would venture to say that a person who knows how to pray truly and deeply, would know, in a sense, how to make love in the truest/deepest form. Basically, I'm saying a person that knows how to truly pray, would be awesome in sexual intercouse, and not just technique wise. Since deep prayer is entering deeply into a communication with another Person (a Divine one) and giving fully and completely to that other Person, isn't that, in a sense, what sexual intercouse is about? A total giving of self as a testament to a full and complete love? Anything short of that, would be a lie. a lie told by the language of the body. as when a person lies in prayer. Lying to God is a grave matter (and He knows when you do). Lying to another person in what was meant to communicate the deepest of loves, you can get away with....for a while. But isn't it just as grave?

01:51 am: I think my updating is a reflection of my life. I'm pretty absent and let things happen. I need to stop that. I need to go back to my solitude. I think it's my running. through solitude will I find meaning again. find He who gives meaning and purpose. I'm so far from Him, but He keeps calling me back.
"I'm scared to know I'm always on your mind!"

11:26 am: wow, I've definitely got to read more! Another author has made Henry's top authors list. So far on my list:

John Paul the great,
Pope Benedict
Peter Kreeft
Scott Hahn
George Weigel
and now.... Cardinal Arinze!

He is just masterfully brilliant in talking about peace. yes, world peace. that term that we throw around as "pie in the sky" dream. It IS possible. It's as possible as ....walking on water. And that gives us great hope!

Of course other authors are great, but I just haven't discovered them yet....so much reading to do......

Okay, since I'm updating, might as well update about the rest of my life...
so much has happened and so much had been undone. It's hard to describe. I had the best week I've had in a while last week (I found my rosary that I've had since childhood and took with me to meet JP2 and everywhere I go, I found mercy when I desperately needed it, it snowed in the bay area and I went hiking in it, and then one of the best retreats I've ever had the opportunity to participate in). And yet, all was so easily undone in a matter of moments. God help me! I am ever more resolute to keep the struggle alive.

12:29 am: So many insights...

things I need to look harder into:
Convenant theology and Theology of the Body. They seem to mesh so well...okay, I'm going to jot down some notes on some things that's occurred to me lately....

1. From TOB: We are spiritual beings, with a body of course, not how Aristotle (or was it Plato?) that said we are "rational animals" Anyway, this has many bearings on the purpose of us and our lives in the plan of God. check this out...Jesus redeemed us and by doing so, he redeems all of creation (matter). And in a sense divinizes matter. through our bodies. from His resurrection, we see that we're meant to have bodies (as Dr. Peter Kreeft says, human bodies need to be joined with spirit, that's why ghosts, or spirits without bodies and dead bodies, or bodies without spirits freak us out. they're unnatural and abominations and aren't meant to be.)when we resurrect! In doing so, God has divinized matter! So you see, from God's creation by speaking of His "words" to create, it was still his "Word" that completed the original action that God had planned!! So it is true that all things were created through Him and for Him!!

2. covenant theology: Covenants are oathes (according to Dr. Scott Hahn) and with oaths, bring promise of help from God (Grace) but also curses! Taht's why God told us not to use His name in vain. He didn't say NOT to use oathes and His name, but to not use it in vain! like calling on Him to witness to a lie would obviously being a curse since you're asking God to witness to a lie which He cannot since He is the Truth! so it's not like he's out to punish, it's just a natural consequence! Such oaths are the Sacraments of the Catholic Church! This is another reason why non believers cannot recieve them without first being baptized (showing they believe and asking for Grace of God to help them believe further...since god is eternal and infinite). Recieveing any Sacrament in a devious and deceptive manner would obviously being curses.

3. to extend that thought of convenants and oathes and sacraments, it extends then to premarital sex. Since sexual union is the completion and the actual ministering of the Sacrament of marriage to do so without the vows would bring curses because it is an oath (spoken by the whole person through his/her body) and in doing so, if you don't stay with the person then that oath was a lie that you have asked God to witness to! (This calls in some complications since what about the non-christians that marry? or have premarital sexual relations and then marry and stay so?) I see this as just a technicality since I believe it's impossible to stay faithful to your spouse without the help of God and God has power to help those who dont' believe (yet). See, one technical part would be taht for people who don't believe, they wouldn't be guilty of a sin for premarital sexual relations if they truly intended to be with that person for life in accordance with their conscience (I'm not talking about those people that just use sexual intercourse as a form of recreation) since they don't realize that it's an oath and are invinciblely ignorant and so are not guilty of the sin. however, if you're a believer and have read this, haha!! you aren't ignorant of that fact anymore!!
From experience, I think we can easily see the consequences or the "curses" that come about from the any sin. Even if we're not guilty of a sin, we still have to deal with the consequences. In the end, sin is just that....lack of God....blinding, keeping us hostage to look for something that fulfills us completely and find that nothing does. Yet, obstinately deny that the only answer is no answer. That's the end of the consequences of sin.

okay, it's getting late and I guess I'm rambling...time to sleep...I need to refine these thoughts and get my other thoughts down on paper sometime :P

10:48 pm: Ah, no work tomorrow, finally some time to do something I've been itching to do! clean my grandma's house and then work on putting some computers together (to play video games of course!)

I spent some time last weekend talking with a friend that I hadn't seen in a while. He's so inpirational! He's finishing up uni and living in the worst part of LA, right on the border between the gangs in LA (bloods and crypts is it?) He told me it's a constant reminder of how hopeless it is to change things, and how much it reminds him that change only happens when God wills it and how much he depends upon Him. It is a state of "constant heartbreak" I can't imagine it being constant. I don't believe my faith is that strong. I related that I know of the heartbreak he feels...though it's time to time for me.

I feel it everytime I look into the online blogs of the high school students that I interact, counsel and teach at church. It's heartwrenching....and every time I read it, it's heartbreak. I know it's a blog and it's "cool" to seem depressed and all that, but do they really feel that low for the majority of the times? and I can see it sometimes too, the moments between their laughter. And I feel helpless, hopeless, and insignificant. How can I communicate the joy, the greatness, the hope, and the indescibable things that I have experienced?! I wish there was someway to show them. But I can't. I want to inspire them. I want to show them what I have found. But I can't. It's not up to me. There must be a better time, but it doesn't leave me any consolation for them. what pains must they go through? what hurt? If only I can spare them from it! But it's not up to me. Sometimes I wish I could speak better, communicate better, be more articulate. Inspire with my words and deeds....I think there are many things still to learn from our separated brethren...they do this so well! which brings me to an idea I've been playing with...a mini ecumenical forum!! This will be one of my pet projects as soon as work is no longer!

If I but change the direction of but one heart, just the slightest of degrees towards Christ, I will have fulfilled my purpose for God here on earth!

03:53 pm: What I had suspected all along!!
I have always been suspicious of hormonal contraceptives (oral, patch, injections, etc.) since they were rushed through the FDA (which is strange because usually the only drugs that do are the ones that are needed right away to save lives!! contraceptives should be categorized under "recreational" use by the way they're used today!) and there's seriously no long term research on it's risks and effects!! I know I'm biased and I'll admit that. I think it's wrong to tamper with something so delicate as the hormonal system of the human body. especially since we don't know it completely enough to tinker with it! Anyway, the following will be based on incomplete knowledge and data but I think something needs to be said about it anyway. I see this as just another scientific confirmation of the morality that was established by the creator.

A scientist from the Cancer Institute of NJ came to speak at work today. he talked about how a single nucleotide polymorphism in the promoter region of the gene MDM2 actually lowers the effects of p53, the tumor sppressor. This means that tumors will grow! which is bad for the person. The thing is, there's a Estrogen receptor response element somehow linked to the expression of MDM2. For the mutant (the paper estimates about 40% heterozygotes and 12% homozygotes)there's a larger area for the transcription factor SP1 to bind, making the gene MDM2 more likely to be expressed. Also, the ER response element also helps in expression of MDM2 (data given in the talk, but wasn't in the paper that was published in Nov.2004, link to paper below). I didn't realize this, until the question was asked by a coworker, about oral contraceptives! and the presenter actually said straight out, for women with the mutation, should definitely NOT be on oral contraceptives. But totally debunks all the old (short term) data about how safe and actually beneficial oral contraceptives (and includes patches and injections, I think) are!!

Summary: High levels of estrogen (as given in most oral/patch/injection contraceptives) have a substantial effect of increasing cases of tumor growth on the genetic level for women with a certain mutation in their genes. I think this is just a confirmation (I'm not saying it proves anything) that contraceptives are against the divine plan! It separates the unitive and procreative meanings of sexual intercourse and reduces it to a recreation. Not only are the natural (God designed) consequences taken away from the act, but in a sense, you're taking away God Himself from an act that is supposed to imitate Him (through a Love that gives life, just like God was described in Genesis!) I think it's unfortunate that this link will never make it to the masses, people who find out about it will just say it's not true because it would mean one way for them to avoid responsibily is taken away. Nor will the pharm companies that sell oral/patch/injection contraceptives because they'll have a new cancer drug market in the future!

arguments for oral contraceptives:
1. past data have shown it to be safe...look here! (http://www.contraceptiononline.org/slides/slide01.cfm?q=cancer+risk&dpg=2)
Reply: did you notice the dates of the research?! effects on the genetic level weren't even thought of back then! and how long term could the research have been? the women in those studies are probably suffering from some kind of cancer now because of what they took to be "safe" at the time.

2. But the FDA and the scientific community wouldn't let it slide if it were really NOT safe!!
reply: Tobacco is legal, and we all know the addictive and basically deadly effects of them and yet, they're still being sold, kids are still getting addicted. Don't even get me started on soda drinks!! And did anyone see "Super Size Me"??? I drink soda from time to time and eat McD's from time to time too, but do you see how people are drinking soda as the only form of liquid they take?! (personally, I would invest in pharm companies to make some major money in the next 10-30 years cause we're only beginning to see the health problems!)

Anyway, I wish I knew more about this stuff...haha, actually I'm supposed to being half of this company's whole Oncology department!! hahahahaha. here's the links to the scientist's paper and some extra abstracts that I found.

the scientist's paper:
http://sonhouse.hunter.cuny.edu/bargonetti/jbc/Bond%20SNP309.pdf
other papers:
http://www.arclab.org/medlineupdates/abstract_11781307.html
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/entrez/query.fcgi?cmd=Retrieve&db=PubMed&list_uids=11859876&dopt=Abstract

09:52 pm: heard this point in a talk...I don't recall what it was about, maybe heaven or existence of God or something, anyway, the point is:

it's odd how we worry more about the temporary things like job, career, money, sex, comfort, etc. and we don't even give a second thought about things that really matter. things that last into eternity, like relationships with people in our lives and relationship with God and then eternity itself!! Like you ask anyone, believer or not, to rank some things in terms of priority in their life and you'll see where eternity is in relation to (almost) meaningless things of a temporary world that will inevitable fade away.

09:51 am: sometimes when I'm driving and the traffic is light and I'm going faster than I should, when the exit comes up, I always wonder what would happen if I just kept on driving. would I be free? will I ever be free?
I could keep driving and just see where I end up. I would drive as though I had a destination even though I would have no idea why. As much as I would like to believe that I would be driving for the sake of driving, the actual journey, it really can't be since I don't like the car I'm driving other than the mileage I get and the amount of music I can put into my CD changer. So that means I would be driving for one of two reasons: to get to the destination, or to get away from the origin...

11:15 pm: Mane Nobiscum Domine
Tonight's the last night of the Year of the Eucharist. It's interesting to think, the Eucharist was the last gift Christ personally gave to us. And this year designated for meditation on this gift was the last gift JP2 left us before he left.

So, with the opening words of JP2 for this passed year, I close with the same...more as a prayer, just as the apostles prayed because "it is almost evening!":
MANE NOBISCUM DOMINE!!

10:37 am: I feel like I have 4 different full time jobs. some are more full time than others
1. celera diagnostics (my day time job)
2. my dad's computer shop where I'm the IT guy and if there's every a problem my dad has my cell number so I'm on call even when I'm not supposed to be
3. youth ministry at the church including teaching sunday school to high school. I think I enjoy this one the most since it's fun and I learn a lot, and it's stuff I see that's relvant in life. and after this life. it's crazy how much prep work needs to be done for just one class a week! man, those full time teachers are hard core!
4. taking care of the home, since my mom works every waking hout, usually up till 1am and the computer room she works out of has a doorway that faces into mine so I can't sleep when she's working, and she talks on the phone to her coworkers in china loud cause I guess that's what you have to do talking to overseas. my dad cooks and my mom cooks when she feels guilty about it, but I do a lot of the cleaning. and the food sucks. but there's a lot of it and I hate wasting food more than I dislike eating bad tasting food. and the house is a mess, I never realized how much it matters the environment where you live, but it does. I have so much crap still even though I got rid of a good 50%? I still have more to get rid of.

running on schedule really takes a lot of time out of my day. but I guess that's the price to pay. it's almost over so I can deal I think. if I didn't, I think I'd go crazy! don't mind if I do!

12:20 am: livejournal is way better than xanga.

that's right, you heard me nate!! hahahahaha

11:26 pm: I can't wait for the rains to come.

03:01 pm: Back from Europe

3 weeks-
Rome, Assisi, Florence, Siena
Lourdes, Paris, Lisieux
Cologne, Bonn, Dusseldorf

Someone said this trip would be "showered with graces" and indeed it has. although there were times of trial where I laughed at the statement, but it's true never-the-less. Because "hope does not disappoint, because God does not disappoint!" (Rom. 5:5). --> Fr. Paul preached that, like 5 times over and that was the whole homily to us, and a bunch of Germans and Italians. funny guy.

Favorite sites: Rome, Assisi, Lisieux. I will definitely be back to those places.