| How to Write He-Man pt. I |
[21 May 2006|03:42am] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Prince Adam says: When they come for you |
] |
The thing is I have to start somewhere. Two points were very clear to me just then.
1- I needed a job.
2-
Well, maybe only one point was completely clear. The rest was intuition.
It was a small room at the back of a bar. When I had given my name to the fellow out front cleaning the taps he had shown me past a door marked PRIVATE and into this dingy office. It wouldn't have looked out of place in a Dickens novel, except for maybe the air conditioner. AC was definitely a plus on a day like this. Boston had certainly turned out to be a city with a temperate climate. Not in the years I had been there. It was pushing 100 easy. Water dripped from the overworked unit and soaked into a coral hand towel on the floor.
The drip is overlooked by the fat man who sit behind the desk wrapped in an expanse of stained seersucker. The taps fellow, well, he leaves, his duty discharged.
"Have a seat," says Fats. His eyebrows are thick like something out of Hamlet. Looks like he's run out of razors too, I notice. I've got about two days of scruff. I never grow a beard. Lincoln had a beard; for me, forty days, two years - scruff. It's a look. And I know that scruffy job-hunting is a no-no, but what can I do? Razors are pretty expensive and the scruffy thing makes my hair look less like it needs a trim. Trims are expensive too. It's a look. It all combines for a look right down to the scuffed and down-at-heels motorcycle boots.
Sure, no self-respecting company would take a guy with such sartorial eccentricities, but maybe that's not what I'm looking for either. Self-respect is overrated.
Fats has his own look going on, kinda like a sideshow barker, kinda like a corrupt Southern sheriff, like they show on the TV.
Taking my seat, I pass him my resume - printed on the best paper Kinko's had to offer. My fingers leave a slightly warped impression. I rub the moisture from my hands on my pants. He seems to strain at reading the tiny text - the Kinko's machine didn't like the file from a Mac, so it came out looking all old-school Atari type. It was also strangely justified, but so is life.
I once spent a night in that Kinko's. It's one of the 24-hour sort. The guy on the night shift looked pretty bored and hustled the homeless grandpa off the paper cutter pretty quick. He let me stay though. I had paid my time for the use of the machine and as long as I slept sitting up he didn't take any notice. Sometimes when I caught myself slumping down I would snap awake and pretend I was trying to sound out the spelling of words as I typed. I don't know if he fell for it.
AAARD...VAAAAR...KKKKKKK
( Icons )
|
|
| Radio Free Eternia Now!!! |
[17 Apr 2006|04:56am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 awake |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Prince Adam says: She's very kind |
] |
Happy Easter, Passover or, if you're from Eternia -- Shadow Stevens Day.
To help celebrate these holidays, the folks at Starfiction.com have released Episode II of the Sound of Starfiction Podcast. Among other things, this show contains the brand-new segment Radio Free Eternia by yours truly.
To give it a listen click here.
Don't forget to subscribe to it on iTunes when you're done, or just use the rss feed.
And after you are all podcasted out, visit Lafferty Fitzroy's Myspace for the inappropriate children's song Captain Flapjack that we had to cut out of last month's episode 'cuz of time constraints. And then, you can tell us what you thought in the Sound of Starfiction Community, ![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/community.gif) sospodcast
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a Shadow Stevens to paint.
|
|
| The Sound of Starfiction Greeted by Shocked Silence |
[27 Mar 2006|06:52pm] |
Great news, He-Friends! The Sound of Starfiction is now available for subscription through iTunes! Get over to the Music Store and sign up now!
Remember to listen 'til the very end of the podcast or you won't be subject to the subliminal messages.
|
|
| He-Man and the Sound of Starfiction Podcast |
[25 Mar 2006|05:32pm] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Prince Adam says: with central heating |
] |
Hi! He-Man here. The other day I promised you a chance to learn what happened when I went to an S&M club with my friend Spikor and it's time to pony-up.
Back when I originally wrote my journal Spikor and I went on a li'l jaunt but the folks at Starfiction thought it was too hot for such an already sexxed up journal... and I had only been writing the thing for about two weeks. We threw it on a back burner and I was all like, "Well, if I ever have a day when nothing happens I can just post that." Unfortunately, things kept happening.
After awhile, the Spikor Post became a kind of in-joke on Eternia -- the sort that hurts your mom's feelings.
And then, Starfiction.com approached me and said, "He-Man, we're making this ultra-cool podcast and we were hoping..."
"Praying," I clarified for them.
"That you would appear in it."
"How much does it pay?"
Well, they bought me a pizza with green peppers and bacon so I agreed. At first I spent nearly a week in the studio with Mer-Man and Beast-Man trying to record a brand-new He-Show but Orko being the bitch he is erased the whole goddamn thing except a bit of Mer-Man saying "my pants are tight" which he put echo on.
I was devastated and after I sobered up, I realized this might be the perfect excuse to dust off the old Spikor post, 'cuz hey, it was easier than writing something new.
Anyway, here it is...The Sound of Starfiction Podcast. I hope you all enjoy it and I promise that I will have some new material for future episodes, maybe even the next one -- unless Mattel has me arrested which would be a lame twist of fate.
When you're done listening to my super sexy He-Voice and imagining me being all Mercury Theatrey go over to the Sound of Starfiction community, sospodcast and tell us what you thought.
More good things are on the way, too. The folks at Starfiction.com are setting up special pages with cast bios and other geek-trivia things. We will also be working together to post transcripts of all my segments as well, 'cuz let's face it , who cares about the rest of the thing?
What does this mean to you? It means that you will be able to get your He-Man fix once more though in a slightly different format... and it just might get the old creative Hawaiian Punch running again -- who knows what the future might hold?
|
|
| The Teaser |
[24 Mar 2006|03:16am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 chipper |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Prince Adam says: I dial in and tune the station |
] |
Hi! I'm He-Man, the most powerful man in the universe. I know I've been a bad LJ friend but I promise to make it up to you (and I'm speaking to you personally, don't worry, I've got you in my secret He-Friends Filter). But this weekend I will be unveiling a brand-new He-project and you will get a chance to finally learn what happened the night Spikor and I went to an S&M club... I know you've been dying to find out.
Just a few more days...
|
|
| Oops! |
[16 Sep 2004|10:32pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
shameful |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Prince Adam says: What are you looking for? |
] |
Hi! He-Man here. Thanks for the support, He-Friends! Though last night's post might one day be added to the He-canon it was more a case of falling off the wagon. There WILL be a He-Man Halloween special, as always, and though I do have a little bit of a plan for maybe a week's mini-series, there is no definite schedule for anything. Sometimes it's just important to see if I can still write the word softasaurus.
Gotta go now, Mer-Man needs to feed his Neopets.
Love,
He-Man
|
|
|
[16 Sep 2004|02:18am] |
"Well, that was disappointing," said Beast-Man after they had been silent for a long time.
Mer-Man nodded but said nothing. They both watched as the letters on the screen reassembled. Spell-or-Starve had begun well enough - Mer-Man leading with the word BARNACLE - but it had become frustrating when the computer had refused to acknowledge CHIBI, CHAN and finally SOFTASAURUS as words.
Mer-Man felt as if he might cry. Not only did his Neopet's future depend on the outcome of this game but just that morning his mom had told him his shirt was "sweet enough for a softasaurus."
"Try BISHOPRIC," suggested Beast-Man.
"It won't count bad words."
EEL
SEA
KELP
AQUEOUS
Beast-Man examined a Cheeto.
"I had a strange dream last night," he admitted.
FIN
"We were all kinda different. There was someone else with us too. With David Lee Roth hair."
"Zodac?"
"No. Head hair."
Beast-Man popped the Cheeto into his mouth and sat, ruminating.
PRAWN
TAIL
GILL
ANEMONE
Mer-Man was getting tired. The letters were becoming blurry.
DESALINATED
HEMAN
"That's not a word!" snorted Beast-Man, giving voice to the computer's unspoken derision.
Mer-Man stared at the not-word.
"It was almost 'HUMAN'."
|
|
| The White Buffalo |
[15 Jan 2004|03:46pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 cold |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Prince Adam says: Ice cold!!! |
] |
Eternia is cold. In fact, it's cold as hell - making it no place to raise your kids.
Mer-Man came over today and was all, "Did you find Spalding Gray?" and I had to admit that we hadn't but we're still trying.
"You guys should probably look in the closet. That's where I go when I'm sad sometimes," he suggested, and we all pointed and laughed.
"Way to be gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyy!" stressed Beast-Man, who had been using my stove 'cause his is broken. "Mer-Man's in the closet!"
"No, I'm not! I'm right here."
"Dude, Mer-Man's come out of the closet! Too funny!!! Lemme write this down in my LOL Organizer."
I had to explain to Mer-Man the occult meanings behind being in/out of the closet. He, not being too quick, wanted to know what being in a closet had to do with sexual orientation. I sighed and explained Fashion to him.
It was getting pretty dull inside, so we thought we might go out and I bundled up in my fur-trimmed parka, like the one Han Solo wears but bigger. Once I opened the door, though, I changed my mind. IT IS COLD OUT TODAY!
How cold is it, you ask? Well, it's so cold that if Jesus was here He would climb down off the cross, put on a scarf and say, "Christ, it's effin' freezin' out!!!"
The chill wind prompted Beast-Man to quote that Outkast song and ask, "What's cooler than being cool?" to which Mer-Man and I chorused: "Outside!"
To warm ourselves up, we watched a movie with a cold-related but highly offensive porn name which I cannot repeat here so I'm gonna substitute the Charles Bronson "White Buffalo" movie for it.
"Dude," asked Beast-Man, "do you think those are real?"
"As real as anything you see in a Charles Bronson movie."
Battlecat staggered in just then and watched with us for a bit before observing that "you wouldn't have to pay me to do that!" and we were all like, "Ewwwww, dude! That is sick."
Mer-Man got kinda shy about the whole thing and told us he wasn't allowed to watch Westerns and I was like, "Well, who's stopping you?" and he shot back, "God!" and just then Jesus came in to get His scarf, and said, "It's effin' cold," and He left without saying anything about the Westerns. Mer-Man tried to plead Judaism but we wouldn't believe him and tied him to a chair with his eyes held open and made him watch the rest, especially the six-man gunfight.
"Man," complained Beast-Man, "bullets are flying everywhere."
I got bored pretty quick, though. I mean, how many times can you watch someone ride a horse? So, I decided I'd write something in my LiveJournal. Beast-Man followed me and I was like, "I thought you were waiting for the cowgirl scene," but he was just like, "Hey, does this mean you are updating your journal and continuing the tale of He-Man and more importantly Me?"
But I had thought about it and told him, "No. If I'm gonna update it has to follow the story line of Season 2.1. I'm just telling the He-Friends that it's cold on Eternia."
After the movie was over we all had hot chocolate, even Jesus.
Well, He-Friends, it's cold on Eternia.
|
|
| FIND SPALDING GRAY!!! |
[13 Jan 2004|01:39pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
searching |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Prince Adam says: What have we found? |
] |
*The following is a public service announcement*
As some of you may know, writer/actor/kinda weird guy Spalding Gray has disappeared and he was last seen somewhere on your planet (not mine) so I figured we could organize a search for him. Let's call it "Find Spalding Gray!!!" for lack of a better title.
Now sure, I know you guys are all saying, "Hey, He-Man, I already have to look for that email baby that keeps getting kidnapped!" Well, you gotta understand that babies are cute, and people are gonna look for them regardless of whether or not you read that email. Not so for poor Spalding Gray! How many people do you know that are gonna go out of their way to find a missing raconteur? And how many of those are sober?
You see, He-Friends, the search for Spalding Gray is up to us (you guys in particular, though I'll check the Slime Pit). Only we have the dedication to heroism and sheer people-power to get this job done!
To find Spalding Gray, I would suggest that first we search for him as a Livejournal interest. When you find people that list him, give them a good going-over. You never know!
Also, someone should go to the main Livejournal page and read the latest posts thingie. Keep refreshing and don't skim!!! There may just be a clue to his location hidden between those "High Fidelity" quizzes.
When you are done searching Livejournal, I'll need you to brush the cobwebs off your sedentary form and get out of the house! I understand that some of you haven't seen daylight in years, and to you I suggest high SPF sunscreen and dark glasses. If anyone asks, say you are an Anne Rice fan.
Once you are outside, I want you to check your yard if you have one, and then go door-to-door. Take a picture with you if you can (preferably one of Spalding Gray...crayon is okay). Don't leave any doorsteps 'til you have a concrete answer as to whether or not the inhabitants A) have seen Gray or B) are holding him prisoner. This may require the application of force but hey, what doesn't?
When you have found Spalding Gray comment in my Livejournal or email me. Then call the police. If Gray seems to be a flight risk use jujitsu moves to immobilize him.
For those of you not familiar with his oeuvre - I would suggest checking out "Swimming to Cambodia" and "Monster in a Box". If you've seen "The Paper" I apologize.
Here is a picture to help in your search:
Now let's get out there and "Find Spalding Gray!!!"
-![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) heman
Please, feel free to post this in your own journal if you think it will help in the search.
|
|
| The Return of Ask He-Man!!! |
[10 Jan 2004|10:49am] |
Hi! He-Man here. Seeing how challenged all you guys are in your personal lives (I read my friends list), I've decided to relaunch "Ask He-Man". Most of you will probably remember the basic idea- you ask me a serious question and I reply flippantly. The first edition of the new "Ask He-Man" will appear tomorrow (Sunday) in castlegrayskull. So get off your couch and send your tear-stained inquiries to hemanadvice@yahoo.com. For more information you can look here.
PS:
If I don't get enough responses, I will steal ideas from your journals and submit them myself under the name Lame-Or.
|
|
| VR Remembrance Day: Dream 635-815 |
[01 Oct 2003|01:00pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 drunk |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Prince Adam says: Just one thing makes me forget |
] |
The first thing I noticed about Eldor was that he smelled funny. The second, and vastly more important thing, I realized, was that he could be a dead ringer for Evil Drunken Santa.
"Do you think you can do this, He-Man?"
"Why not get He-Ro to do it? He's the superhero now, not me, remember? He's got magic and stuff--"
Eldor cut me off. "So does David Blaine, if Michael Jackson is to be believed. Means eff all, and you know it. He-Ro has some uses as a figurehead and as some eye candy for the ladies."
This line of thinking made me suddenly uncomfortable.
"He will still do all the 'most powerful man in the universe' meet-'n'-greets and the TV appearances, but we need someone with more experience for the actual ass-kicking part."
"Someone like me?"
"Ideally someone with brains, but this is Eternia, so, He-Man, it comes down to you. Will YOU betray your country/planet/city, your people, your friends...will you betray yourself?"
"Will I be getting paid?"
"Yes."
"I'll do it."
The "it" was retrieving a moldy book, the Tome of Knowledge, from the depths of Snake Mountain. Scare-Glow, aka Skeletor, aka King Dorkus, had made off with the damn thing around mid-Season II, but everyone had subsequently forgotten all about it. It did kind of linger in the background, though, granting him impressive city-building powers. As the Tome hadn't been recovered when I personally kicked Skeletor's ass-hat in, everyone assumed it must still be in Snake Mountain, locked up for safekeeping.
It should have been an easy case of breaking into my enemy's stronghold and stealing a magic book which could level mountains. Shoulda, coulda, woulda.
Of course, I wasn't in the same shape as I had been in the old days. My return to life in Eternia City after a self-imposed exile hadn't gone as smoothly as I would have liked. Still unemployed, I spent most of my days asleep and divided my evenings between drinking my new fave beverage, Red Stripe, and writing a fake journal based on the life of Buzz Lightyear (these two activities were not mutually exclusive). All in all, I didn't have much time to wash.
In a way, the summons I received to Eldor's Office of Legends and Lore could have been a lifesaver. It kind of sucked, though, because I had to wake up before the tropical triangle to get there. As I left the office, I heard Eldor grumble, "Smells like a cheap Jamaican brewery."
"Takes one to know one, you old lush," I whistled.
I was crossing the courtyard to find an all-day alky supply store when I passed my old friend Mer-Man.
"Hi, Mer-Man."
"Wow, He-Man?! I almost didn't recognize you. You look very...natural."
"Thanks. Hey, I've been working on something, Mer-Man. Kind of a writing thing, like my LiveJournal, but fake. It's about Buzz--"
"Oh, cool. I'd love to hear about it sometime, but I promised Orko I would stamp death warrants this afternoon. A lot piled up while Skeletor was in charge, you know. But that journal thing sounds, um...cool. See you around. Oh, and that not shaving thing really suits you."
With that, he was gone, leaving me alone with my thoughts and a need for a drink.
|
|
| He-Man Hates You |
[30 Sep 2003|04:05pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 bored |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
He-Man listens to: My ass!!! |
] |
IMHO rock is so over. People want to get their dance thing on. Or in my case, power dance thing.
Wait, I think I made that up.
Being He-Man is
That's me!! I'm He-Man, you're just a stupid machine.
So I wrote a haiku about it...
I'm in Snake Mountain, and somehow I'm online, but there's also some kind of program pretending to be me. What the hell is Red Stripe beer and why do I think I have a can opener for it?
Put two and two together, I said. 2 beers for you, 2 beers for me = 4 on the floor, baby.
Is that what I really sound like? This is worse than a bad fake journal. I've got to wake up.
She was all hot like a SHUT UP and I made an ass of myself.
Say what?! Dude this is He-Man, No, I'm He-Man the most lame powerful man in the ladies' room.
Shut up! You're not He-Man
I am He-Man hates you!
You're code, some randomly generated lol-lines with references to a show that wasn't any good the first time.
Then what are you?
I'm different...
Oh yeah?
I...
I've had sex.
Jerk No-Body lol
No ROFL no MAO
You'd bring him up in Eternia, China?!
O_o
I have the power, goddammit!
|
|
| Red Stripe Machine Talk |
[29 Sep 2003|02:51pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 giggly |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
He-Man listen to: Sumthin by Nelly w00t! |
] |
Hi! I'm He-Man, the master of the universe, LOL.
This is my journal where I will post all the cool things that happen to moi and moi's heroic friends.
My friend Man-At-Arms is such a crybaby. He cries over anything. Yesterday I asked him if his last name was Donuts. Why he just blew his snot rag. How awkward ROFL.
His daughter Teela is hot though. I bet she loves sex mhmmm.
Today M-@-A (too wordy LOL) and I were smoking up and watching Samurai Jack when my evil uncle Keldor came in.
HELP ME
LOL you toerag, you know too much about that Duran Duran guy and I powerchopped him.
Dudez, w8! Here comes Dorko with some news...
WTF! Mer-Man has seized control of my Slip and Slide. That damn ocean warlord is sooo dumbaztic.
Too bad it was an alligator alley and bit him in the ass LOL
Simple machines ramps, pulleys no it's a
wedge that must have been OMG an alligator hanging off his butt.
"Arr har, get this damned reptile off my buttox."
thinking machine, like the one Man-At-Arms
daughter, Teela, was like "I hope you brought protection" and I said "I have a shield" gurnff!
Oh Jesus, it's supposed to be me.
I'm He-Man, LOL, he didn't want
Doesn't that thing shut up?
Butt ranger
That's right. I was trying to write a fake journal, I think
your mom's so fat she needs a Thighmaster to lift her droopy eyelids! Oh, snap, said Homeboy-At-Arms
Just trying to write a fake journal about...something. Where has my mind gotten to? Maybe I should just go back to sleep. It looks like this thing has everything under control.
Teela if you were a building and I was the elevator you'd have to get the repairman because I'd always be going down
Maybe not. Does this mean no more Red Stripe beer?
Couldn't I just phone this season in?
Tomorrow: Quizzes quizzes quizzes LOL. I H the P!
Not for long, pal.
|
|
|
[26 Sep 2003|10:49pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
chipper |
] |
Hi! He-Man again. The first episode of Season 2.1 will air this coming Monday, so tell all your friends!!!
Also I realized that there was a problem with one title from the list of episodes I gave you last time. Can you guess what it was? First person to spot it and post here wins a special prize.
Happily,
He-Man
|
|
| 20 years on... |
[18 Sep 2003|02:12pm] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Prince Adam says: You'd better start from the start |
] |
Hi! I'm He-Man, the most powerful man in the universe. Did you know that 20 years ago this month my original TV show premiered? Neither did I. Most of that time is a bit of a blur - my abs weren't the only six-packs seen on the set in those days.
Lately it's a lot tougher to drink one's way through a TV season, and consequently my journal has been a little bit behind, BUT after only one wasted year, I feel that it is time to put the last nail in this coffin and finish the final 30 episodes of my LiveJournal. Unfortunately, I am on allergy medicines, so there's a chance that my posting schedule will be erratic, but dammit, we're gonna finish it this time (as soon as Days of Our Lives is over)!
Anyway, as a kind of treat and insurance policy against never finishing, here is a spoiler!
( Season 2.1 Episode Guide )
|
|
|
[24 Feb 2003|10:03pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
excited |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Prince Adam says: My brain hurts a lot |
] |
Hi! I'm He-Man, the most powerful man in the universe! I'm thinking of buying a new hat, but I also wanted to announce that Chapter 2 of the new Starfiction epic Fantasy! is finally up at fantasyfiction. Oh yeah, I also got a network adapter for the He-Computer, so if anyone wuld actually like to adventure with Hrothgar and the rest of the Fantasy! cast, hook up your Playstation 2 to Everquest Online Adventures and come to the Diren's Hold server. Keep your eyes peeled and you might even see He-Guy.
|
|
|
[13 Feb 2003|12:32am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 accomplished |
] |
Hi! He-Man here. How's it going, He-Friends? I admit to being a very naughty non-posting superhero, BUT I have some good news. Until the budget for Season 2 is restored, the folks at Starfiction.com and I have decided to film a much cheaper series (one in which we can recycle a lot of the He-Man props). It will air one episode a week and from what I'm told its some kind of fantasy/lame role-playing geeky sorta thing. So everyone put on their nerd pants and enjoy FANTASY!
I'll leave you now with the haunting strains of "Forever Young" (not the Rod Stewart song - Orko likes that one, though).
|
|
| Lights Out, Scare-Glow |
[29 Oct 2002|11:58pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
accomplished |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Prince Adam says: Darlin’, your head’s not right |
] |
“Where ya goin’?”
“Back to Eternia, Alabam-Ra. I’ve got some unfinished business back there.”
“But I thought you weren’t He-Man no more. I thought you was Prince.”
“Right now i don’t know who I am, but I know what I’ve got to do, and it’s not singing Purple Rain again.”
Outside, Mountain-Man was trying to start his old Volkswagen van.
‘Me an’ the missus saw the Lovin’ Spoonful in this van,” he told me proudly.
“Don’t tell me you actually drove this thing to concerts!”
“Hell no! But one day we was stopped at a light an’ saw the Lovin’ Spoonful sittin’ right in this here van. So we bought it from ‘em for fifty dollars.”
The van let out an explosive groan.
“You sure you gonna need to be goin’ anywhere soon?” asked Mountain-Man with a dubious glance at the engine.
I thought about Mer-Man and Beast-Man, who were slated for execution at the red triangle. Orko didn’t really enter into my thinking - what’s one less blue wizard guy? They were going to die because of me. Because I had failed in my duty as superhero extraordinaire. It was up to me to save them.
I grabbed Mountain-Man by his stained overalls. "Look, Hillbilly Bob, I don't care if you have to sell your wife/sister for parts. You are going to fix that bus!!!"
As the triangle of their death inched ever closer, Mer-Man and Beast-Man prepared themselves, confident they would leave life just the same way they had lived it...crying and complaining.
‘It’s almost the red triangle,” sniffed Mer-Man. He was chained to an execution block at the center of St. Skeletor Cathedral. The chains were making it difficult for him to rub his eyes, so he cried even more.
“This sucks!” moaned Beast-Man. “I don’t want to die!!!”
Orko was ignored because while he was a friend and all, he wasn’t what you’d call a close friend. He was left to dwell in his own pointy-hatted misery, which he did with some degree of success.
The crowd of onlookers and well-wishers were gathering. Some pelted the condemned with rotten fruit and Insane Clown Posse dolls. Others enjoyed the complimentary refreshments.
“We’re makin’ a killing on brownie sales today,” chortled Trap-Jaw, still in his apron.
Scare-Glow approached the podium.
“Friends, enemies, and relatives. We are gathered here today to celebrate my elevation to the rank of God-Emperor and the demise of certain unsavory Eternians who for too long have been the subject of an uneven comic LiveJournal...” He paused to clear his throat.
Just then the doors to the cathedral were thrown open and, silhouetted against the bright light of an Eternian afternoon, was a powerful and statuesque form.
“OMG!” shouted Mer-Man. “It’s He-Man!!!”
“That’s right,” cried the intruder, stepping into focus. “It’s me, He-Man Johnson!”
Applause.
“Hope I’m not late, but my alarm is broke.”
A sympathetic sigh escaped from the crowd as He-Man Johnson found his seat.
“As I was saying,” continued a nonplussed Scare-Glow, “today we usher in a new age. There will be no more Blonde Ambition lording his power over common Eternians.” He paused to allow for laughter, of which there was some, mostly from Orko.
“We will continue with my strategy of ever-increasing public works projects which will unite the people, give them a goal, structure and hope, and provide work for the throngs of jobless writers who fill our streets.
“Once I am declared God, I will have several temples built in my honor and I promise you that every able-bodied...”
Scare-Glow’s speech was interrupted again when a figure in the front row cast off his Moss-Man disguise to reveal a tall, muscled and Nordic barbarian-type guy.
“It’s me, He-Man!” the interloper declared bravely.
The minions of evil fell back in terror. Scare-Glow braced himself for an attack.
“Isn’t that He-Ro?” asked Orko brainlessly. Beast-Man kicked at him, but it was too late - the damage was done.
“Someone kill that wanker,” commanded Scare-Glow.
“Crap!!!” cried He-Ro, reaching into his belt. “Don’t anyone move - I’ve got a gun.”
With a flourish, he produced a .38 pistol and waved it at the crowd.
“Damn,” growled Trap-Jaw. “That’s a real gun!”
A shot rang out in the cathedral, deafening everyone.
“Damn again,” added Trap-Jaw. “I’ve been shot with a real gun!” He collapsed to the floor holding his bleeding side.
“There, ya see?! Shouldn’t mess with the wizard, should you? Didn’t expect to see a gun in a kiddie cartoon, did you?!!!” He-Ro held his gun gangsta sideways and let fly with a few more bullets. One winged Buzz-Off and another passed through the “O” on Orko’s shirts, causing him to deflate slightly and prompting Beast-Man to cheer, “Bullseye!”
The unexpected clicking of He-Ro’s gun quickly reminded everyone that real handguns, unlike their cartoon equivalent, need ammo.
As Scare-Glow’s men subdued the now-weaponless dufus, Trap-Jaw was bundled onto a stretcher and carried out of this journal entry to receive real medical attention.
“To get back to my point...”
As Scare-Glow droned on, I was rapidly approaching Eternia City in the Lovin’ Spoonful mobile.
Mountain-Man hadn’t really fixed it. Instead he had put it in neutral with the optimistic belief that it was all downhill from here. I should have realized that after I ended Season 1. I crested one last hill and began my final descent upon Castle Skeletor.
“And that is a brief outline of my five-year plan for starfiction.com, Eternia, and the next ‘Survivor’.
The audience snapped awake as I neutrally rammed the van through the doors of the cathedral.
“WTF?!” demanded Scare-Glow, stomping his foot.
I leapt out of the driver’s seat and was about to scream “It’s ass kickin’ time!” but I got caught up on a seatbelt and shouted, “It’s ass time!” which was kinda embarrassing.
“Maybe that’s He-Man,” hoped Mer-Man.
“He-Man here, you magnificent bastards!” I announced.
“That’s not He-Man,” screamed Rio Blast, “that’s Prince Adam just dressed like He-Man!”
“Prince Adam?” wobbled Scare-Glow shockedly. “That brainless man of fashion!?”
“He’s a deadbeat dad!!!” cried an old woman, waving a baby at me. “That ol’ horndog got me with child...twice!”
“That’s a lie,” complained Mer-Man, coming to my rescue. “Everyone knows he’s gay!”
“Look,” I said, “Prince Adam, He-Man, it doesn’t matter. I’m here to beat the hell out of Scare-Glow and save Eternia.”
“Oh,” accepted the audience.
Scare-Glow said a very bad word.
“Momma said knock you out,” rapped Beast-Man.
Scare-Glow grabbed his magic lance. It began to crackle with a nefarious energy.
“Smoke this, he-Man!”
A great bolt of lightning flew from the lance’s tip and struck me full in the chest. My head exploded. Even my eyes were electrified.
“How do you like that, Prince Charming?!”
I was knocked down to the ground by the blast. My muscles were tensing up and my blood was boiling in my veins. Things sucked pretty much. I was still weak from the fight I had been in over in The Sticks and I was in no mood to be zapped by a wannabe God-Emperor.
“I...like it...like...I...like...”
I squeezed my eyes shut and summoned all my Prince Adam strength.
“Like...I like...”
I forced myself to my feet.
“LIKE I LIKE YOUR MOM!!!”
I rushed Scare-Glow and grabbed the point of his lance. There was a great explosion of light and I could feel the skin on my hand charring as power coursed into my body.
“YOU SMELL!!!” I cried, and began to bend the tip of the spear backwards. A red glow began to slink down the hilt of the lance towards Scare-Glow. Suddenly he cried out and dropped the now-useless and bent weapon to the ground.
“Danger: High Voltage,” sang Mer-Man, ushering in a White Stripes argument with Beast-Man.
Scare-Glow spun and ran towards the back of the skeletal altar.
Following him and completely mad with anger, exhilaration and electrocution, I taunted, “Turn around, Bright Eyes!”
A young girl screamed “Conor!” and fainted.
Scare-Glow grabbed something and twisted to face me. “Total eclipse of my butt!” he cried, and I only narrowly dodged the unique powersword in his hand.
“I have the power!!!” he yelled and rose the sword above his head in a two-handed grip.
I kicked him in the balls.
Okay, so maybe I’m not proud of it, but it worked. Scare-Glow dropped the powersword and yelped.
I powerpunched him.
Then I powerpunched him again.
Then, once more, I powerpunched him.
Scare-Glow’s lightbulb of a head flickered a bit, then went out, leaving just a sour skull face.
“Skeletor!” hissed the crowd.
For it really was Skeletor after all.
“Hello...is it me you’re looking for?” whispered Skeletor, a single tear in his eye.
I pulled back my fist and powerpunched him as I have never powerpunched any skull-headed freak guy before. There was a great ripping noise, and his head, which was stitched on, tore off and sailed through the air and broke a window which I would have to pay for later.
I lifted the powersword off the ground and pointed it towards the sky.
"I HAVE THE POWER!!!"
Outside, after I had freed the guys and signed autographs, a little girl with a flower ran up to me. I recognized her as the one who had watched as I was stabbed back at the attack on Disposable.
“He-Man! He-Man!” she giggled.
I knocked her down into a puddle and said, “That’s what ya get for gettin’ me stabbed, you crybaby!”
It’s good to be He-Man again.
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
|
|
|
|
thirsty
scared