[fic] Naruto, "Fluffy Undead Love"
Look, this is not my fault. As you can see, this is totally cat_o_ninetails's fault. [nods. nods again]

Fluffy Undead Love
Naruto
Zombie!Zabuza/Zombie!Haku
Not safe for work, darn it. Spoilers for up to episode 19 of Naruto. Crack!



"Oh dear," Haku said.

He was apparently still able to access his Chakra, even in this state, which had made it a bit easier to escape his grave; he simply shifted until he could move his arm to form a seal, and then teleported out.

He stared at Zabuza's grave for a long moment and then sighed, sad and fond, and bent to dig it up, using an ice shovel he summoned for himself.

Zabuza's clothing was the worse for wear, but it was a relief to see that the grave -- as with his own -- was recent enough that Zabuza himself wasn't too badly decayed. Haku pondered, drew two needles out of his bag, and then jabbed them into Zabuza's skull as deep as they would go.

Zabuza's body jerked, and he slowly opened his eyes.

He started to say Haku's name, coughed, and spat up a chunk of dirt with several worms in it. Haku nudged it away with his elbow. "...Haku," Zabuza said, with some confusion. "You died."

"Well, yes," Haku agreed, evenly. "As, apparently, did you, Zabuza-san."

".....Hmph," Zabuza said.

"Surely you were not defeated by Kakashi the Sharingan-User, Zabuza-san?"

"No," Zabuza said.

Haku paused thoughtfully, then frowned. "Zabuza-san, it is not my place to ask this, but you didn't.... try to avenge me or any such thing?"

"Anyway," Zabuza said, "how exactly did you return to life, Haku? And how did you return me to life?"

"I suspect it was a strange twist of fortune," Haku said. "From what I can tell, when they buried me, some of my needles fell out of my bag and into the open hole. When they lowered me, they happened to lower me right onto the points, so that they penetrated my skull and, in the style of acupuncture, stimulated certain lobes of my brain to return me to a semblance of life."

Zabuza touched the back of his head, feeling the very ends of the needles Haku had jammed in there. "...Is that even biologically possible?"

"Not as far as I know," Haku said. "I suppose the lingering chakra in our bodies... no, honestly, I'm not sure. Either way, Zabuza-san, it seems we're back."

"So it does." Zabuza lifted one arm and frowned at the rotting patches on it. "Hm."

Haku knelt in front of Zabuza, tilting his head and smiling sweetly up. "We have been given a second chance, Zabuza-san. What do you wish to do with it? I may not be a worthy tool any longer, but--"

"Haku, you're a zombie with a bloodline limit. How is that not useful?"

"You raise a valid point, Zabuza-san."

Zabuza stretched. "First of all, there's something I want to make sure still works."

"Zabuza-s--EEK!"

Zabuza tumbled Haku back into the grave.

Some gasping and panting later, Zabuza leaned up over the edge with a sneeringly pleased expression, and Haku took a moment to wipe decaying goo off his thighs with his belt. He pondered the belt for a moment, then sighed and discarded it in the grave.

"Now," Zabuza declared, "I wanna, uh... ...Haku, I seem to want to eat someone's brain."

"You too, Zabuza-san?" Haku looked faintly relieved. "I was hoping it wasn't just me."

"What is this, the zombie equivalent of a cigarette?" Zabuza snorted. "I don't have time for this. Now that I'm basically unkillable, I want to go take over the Country of Water."

Haku opened his mouth, apparently to protest, then brightened. "We could always eat the Mizukage's brain."

"Heh. I like the way you think."

With adoration in his eyes, Haku gave a little bow. "My abilities, Zabuza-san, are as always yours. I suspect a spike of ice could come in handy in knocking the top of their heads off and exposing their tasty braaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiinsjajfjfp'/a'fk."

"....Haku? What did you just say?"

Haku placed two fingers against his lips with a look of consternation. After a moment, he looked up to Zabuza with a wry smile. "Well, we're dead now, Zabuza-san. I suppose we'll have to get used to some lifestyle changes."

"I guess so," Zabuza muttered. He slung his sword over one shoulder. "Well, let's go then. To conquer and eat brainnsnsannfjfjj."

"Braiiiiiiiins," Haku echoed.

"Braiiiiiiins..."

"Braiiiiiinshahayumyumyum..."

And the two unlived together happily ever after.