No one can read my mind.  No one.  Half the time, I don't even know what I'm thinking, and that's half of the battle.  What gets me so frustrated is that even when I think I'm being obvious, the people who are closest to me have no idea what's going on.  You'd think the fact that since those people are close to me that I'd be willing to express my feelings with words.  That I would have no problem being completely honest, no matter what.  Well, that's definitely not the way it goes.  Those people hold the most power, they inflict the most damage, and they can cause the most pain.  I'm more insecure with my relationships with those I love that I'm willing to sit here and tell all of the strangers in the world my inner most thoughts.

And all of us do that.  We all know that we can tell a stranger anything because we have no ties to that person.  There are no repercussions.  Your heart won't get broken.  It's just so sad that I, and so many other people, feel like I can't talk about how I feel.  I shouldn't be afraid, but there is so much more at stake than just getting something off of my chest.  Emotions are vulnerabilities and no matter how much I try to deny it, I have so many.

I'm trying, I really am.  I've spent my whole life, literally, holding every single feeling in, whether it be happiness or sadness.  And I'm tired of it.  I'm tired of living my life as if I'm walking on egg shells.   I don't want to feel insecure about being honest and I definitely don't want to feel insecure about being myself.

No one is more frustrated than I am with my inability to express my feelings. Whether good or bad, I can't seem to build up enough courage to let them out. If I'm upset, I hold it in until I have no choice but to literally start leaking tears. Sometimes, I don't even have a reason to be upset, but some little minute detail will set me off and I can't control the rush. Even when I'm unbelievably thrilled beyond all belief, it's hard to tell. I keep it in, like I'm saving it up for a rainy day.

Being in love is tearing me up. I just feel like I'm being torn in two different directions. I'm so happy and yet so sad all at the same time. I feel too needy and probably seem far too detached. I'm holding on too tight without being able to let go. I think, in a way, I'm afraid that if I'm too open or express too much of what I'm feeling or thinking, that I'm going to scare him off. I blame all of the stereotypes that ever existed about men and have made me so wary of actually telling Corey what I expect or want out of our relationship.

It's not that I think I'm going to scare him away, but I do worry that I'm going to put a certain amount of pressure on him that he may not be ready for. We've already moved pretty fast into our relationship by some people's standards, but to me, it doesn't feel quick enough. I want it all with him, and I've known that for a while. I'm just so scared of expressing that, of expressing all of my feelings, and ruining any part of what we have now.

I know I could just lay it all out on the line--throw caution to the wind and actually entertain the idea that, hey, maybe he wants the same things that I do. And, I think he does. I do, however, wonder if he wants them now. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that, really. I'm just the type of person who, once I know what I want, I want it now. It's not so much impatience as a susprising bout of decisiveness.

When things stopped going the way I wanted them to, when things started getting worse instead of better, when things brought me nothing but pain--that's when my love of the Navy ended.

I often wonder about why I enlisted.  Working for my brother's company, as boring as it tended to be, was a nice paying job that allowed me a lot of freedom.  I was good at it and I didn't have a whole team of people trying to undermine me or push off their work onto me or someone else.  Everyone had a set job, whereas in the Navy, I do what everyone else is too lazy or oblivious to do, on top of my normal duties.  And I can't not do the work; I can't be like them; I can't not be me.

I just don't play well with others.  I'm anti-social by nature because, in general, people get on my nerves.  No one listens, and they hardly ever even hear you.  So what if I've gotten recognized in the past for what a good job I've done.  That's not enough.  That's not enough for me or for every other person who works just as hard and doesn't get any kind of reward.  All you get is more work, more on a plate that is already overflowing, while that other guy with the same job title, the same rank, gets the same pay and benefits you do.  Awards are nothing but a ribbon or medal on your chest.  There's nothing else behind that.

Working like that just tires a person out.  It took me almost two years to hit the wall at my last command, but I've hardly been at my new one for two months and I'm already completely drained.  I want nothing more to get out of the Navy because I can't tolerate the way people within it are treated anymore.  The medical and school benefits, the money--none of it is worth it if you don't have the time to actually enjoy it.

What troubles me is that for weeks now, I've been searching my mind for any way imaginable that would get me out now.  It's not going to happen, I know, but I can't stop thinking about it.  And, even if I did part ways with the life I've known for almost the last three years, I have no idea where to go next.  Even in a year from now, when I'm supposed to be on my way out the door, back to the civilian world, I probably still won't know where I'm headed.  Most of my last year will be spent out to sea with hardly any time for me to plan for my future career.  As long as I find a nice, boring desk job that sucks up 8 hours of my day and allows me to go home at night, sleep in my own bed, enjoy weekends off, and collect a paycheck, I think I'll be fine. 

The only true valuable things that I, personally, found because of the Navy are the love of my life and the West Coast.  I acknowledge the great good that has come of those two things and I understand that without the Navy, I would most definitely have never found either of them.  Bittersweetness.

I had a nice paying job, with great benefits, and plenty of time for school before I enlisted.  I even had a college scholarship, close to a full ride.  But why did I join?  Because I wanted to escape the confines of my family and my small town and I needed something else to force my hand.  I needed the Navy to send me somewhere else because I wasn't brave enough to do it on my own.  I was too scared to go out on my own, and I needed the Navy to hold my hand. 

So when I complain about being here, feeling like I'm suffocating, I have no one to blame for that except myself.  I built this bridge over troubled waters and it's my own fault that I'm not a very good with a hammer.

Just one more week to get through and Corey will be home.  I'm not even going to go on and on about how much I've missed him, since that's been fairly obvious.

Work has been very busy recently, which has helped to keep my mind occupied.  I can't say that all of it has been good because I still don't enjoy my new command in the slightest, but I like that fact that with less people around, there's more work.  I know most people would be complaining about that, but I like to actually do the job I signed up for, even if it's not all fun and games around the clock.  Everyday I get more and more responsibility, but it's come a little too late.  Nothing is going to change my mind--I'm on my way out the door.

I don't really have anything else to report on right now.  I've been doing chores around the house all day--mopping, scrubbing, vacuuming.  I even washed my car, which is one of the rarest things I do these days.  I also picked up some groceries and bought some plants at Home Depot.  Doing all of this today kind of leaves tomorrow pretty empty, but I still get to take out the trash.  Yay.

Yesterday was a rough day for me, emotionally.  Today wasn't all that fantastic either, but I did a better job of living outside of myself.  I think the whole "relaxing" thing had more of an adverse effect on me than I was expecting it to.  For me to function when I'm by myself, I have to stay busy.  If I'm not doing anything, I think, and that's not good. 

The best thing about these last few days is that, as bad as a couple of them were, they went by quickly.  Now, I'm not a huge fan of my current work situation, but at least it fills about ten hours of my day.  I get pretty stir crazy when I spend too much time at home.

It's a little less than two weeks away from when Corey will be home.  It seems like he's been gone a lot longer than he really has been, but I'm keeping my fingers crossed that the rest of our time apart will go by much faster.  The one thought that keeps running through my mind is if I'm having this much trouble with a month, I can't imagine the wreck I'll be when I'm faced with six months or more.  I'm already dreading the month we'll be apart starting in mid August, especially since it's so close in the future.

I just feel so annoyed with the way life works sometimes.  I'm tired of being tested.  I simply want to enjoy the good things in my life for a while without worrying about them slipping away.

Having the 2nd through the 6th off from work is bittersweet. I'd have loved the time if it were about a month from now when I wasn't home by myself, but I shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth. I've been trying my hardest to stay busy so that I don't get upset over my current circumstances, but it's proving to be difficult. My muscles and back ache, badly, from all of the cleaning and yard work I've been doing and I have blisters all over my hands, two of which have popped and caused me much pain. I've also been having a really hard time falling asleep and staying asleep. And it's even harder to get up in the morning because I know I don't have anything pressing to do. All of this sounds rather depressing, but I'm dealing with it the best that I can.

I didn't do the fireworks thing this year again, but then again, I've only gone to a show one time in probably the last ten years. At least I have the freedom to make that choice, eh? And I wore a blue shirt and some red underwear today, so I celebrated in my own way even if no one else knew.

Well, I don't have anything else exciting to report on. I might take a day off from life tomorrow and try not to clean the house. I make no promises though; you know me.

"Remember your dreams and fight for them. You must know what you want from life. There is just one thing that makes your dream become impossible: the fear of failure. Never forget your Personal Legend. Never forget your dreams. Your silent heart will guide you. Be silent now. It is the possibility of a dream what makes life interesting. You can choose between being a victim of destiny or an adventurer who is fighting for something important." - Paulo Coelho

It's quotes like that, people like that, which make me the avid reader that I am.  It doesn't matter that I first saw that quote on the side of a Starbucks cup, or even that I spent a large chunk of time trying to find it again on the internet some days later.  What matters is that quote stuck with me and made an impression on me.  It made me think.

So, what do I want from life?  What are my dreams?  I've always had the same one, ultimately the same one that every person has.  I just want to be happy.  Most people suffer from not knowing what makes them happy, or not being able to identify when they have actually found what makes them truly happy.  I'm not one to miss out on that sort of thing. 

When my mom called me the other day, she reminded me of something.  A promise I had made to myself.  I swore that while I was in the Navy I wasn't going to have a serious relationship.  I swore that I wasn't going to put myself through the pain of separation.  What I hadn't realized was that it wasn't really my decision, or my promise, to make.  I think, at the time, I was pretty hopeless on finding someone who was going to make me happy. I thought that was just a dream.  I thought that the Navy was going to be my life, was going to be my happiness.

Don't settle for less than what you deserve.  And don't be surprised if you end up getting more than what you think you deserve.  I'm not happy with the Navy anymore because I've found something better, someone better.  The Navy hasn't changed, I've changed.  My situation has changed.  My priorities have changed.

I still have the same dream I've always had.  I just want to be happy.  What I'm faced with now, what I'm dreaming of now, is the hope that happiness can grow once you've found it.  I just want to keep it, keep him.

I had a pretty eventful weekend.  My days are starting to blend, but if I remember correctly, I went to Michael's Arts and Crafts store on both Friday evening and Saturday morning.  I went to two different locations and, luckily for me, the one closer to the house is a lot bigger and a lot better.  For the most part, I got all of the scrap booking stuff that I wanted, but I'm basically at a stand still where that's concerned.  I mean, I could get started on the new scrapbook, but I'd rather have Corey around to help me.

In between some loads of laundry, I did some yard work, which included pulling weeds and pruning the rose bushes.  That was a rather large task that I'm still not finished with.  Those bushes are a nightmare, thanks to the thorns, and I still have quite a few weeds to battle with that are living amongst the vines.  My arms are all sorts of scratched up with battle wounds, but I'll win the war.

I also, finally, unpacked all of our books and arranged them numerous different ways on the book shelves in the office. I'm still not quite thrilled with how I put them on there, but I don't know if I have the patience to take them all off for the fifth time.  Also in the office, I went through all of my stacks of paperwork and put everything I wanted to keep in the filing cabinet.  I then spent about an hour shredding the stuff I didn't want and I probably almost burnt out the motor on the paper shredder.

I did a little organizing in the garage by breaking down some boxes and recycling anything that I could.  The people who used to live here left quite a bit of cleaning supplies behind that they apparently never felt the need to use based on the conditions when we moved in.  But, anyway, I arranged all of that stuff so that we knew where it was and what we actually had.  I also threw out some less-desirables that were left behind on the back porch.

In the bathroom, I managed to clean all of the dis-colorization off of the walls and ceiling, which has been totally grossing me out since we moved in here.  And, finally, I re-folded all of Corey's and my socks and t-shirts into sets so that they were easier to grab and go for work.  Even after all of that I had time to make homemade apple dumplings and speak to Corey multiple times on the phone, along with my mom and my friends Christina and Brian.  And, of course, I enjoyed the Jon & Kate plus 8 marathon on TLC that was on today.

Most importantly for this weekend though was that my newest nephew was born yesterday afternoon, still unnamed.  Nicole and the baby are fine from what my mom tells me.  And, in other good news, today is my six month anniversary with Corey.  Like he said to me on the phone, it seems like we've been together a lot longer--in a good way.  I really do wish I could be with him today of all days, but even though I can't be, I'm glad he's around other people that love him.  I still love him the most though ;)

I am extremely tired.  We had a couple of early flights this morning, so we had to be at work at 3am.  I don't think anyone got a good night's sleep, for obvious reasons.  We also didn't get out of there until about 1:30pm.  And, besides those two flights, we really didn't have anything else to do all day.  The hours just crawled by.  I'd much rather go to bed a bit earlier than take a nap and possibly have trouble falling asleep at my normal time.  It is going to be a struggle though.

There were some other things I'd been considering writing about, but due to my half-awake state, I can't remember much of them.  I know I wanted to throw in a few work related things, like the fact that I'm going to be running the night shift in my shop in the near future.  I can't say that's a surprise, but I'm really not looking forward to the schedule.  Working from two in the afternoon until whenever all of the work gets done, which can sometimes be well beyond midnight, isn't exactly my idea of a nice time.  The only good thing that might come out of it is that Corey said he's going to request to go to that shift over at his squadron.  We're barely going to see each other enough as it is for the next year and a half, so to know that he's willing to do that for me makes me feel pretty good. 

Oh, I also wanted to mention that my current CO said he just found out I am the Blue Jacket of the Year at my old command.  He was impressed by how quickly I made rank, especially considering that I was an Airman when I was nominated for that award.  He told me that if he had my brains that he'd probably be an Admiral by now.  Flattering, but comments like that don't really change my mind about liking this place.  I'm trying, I really am, but my heart's just not in the Navy anymore.

And, if only to keep things flowing, I still miss Corey terribly.  On one hand, I'm looking forward to this weekend, and on the other, I want Monday to roll around just so I can go back to work and occupy my mind with other things again.  As it is, we have the 2nd through the 6th off and I don't have any idea how I'm not going to drive myself crazy.  I'm assuming that I'm going to have a watch during that time, so there's half a day gone already.  I am planning on going to Michael's craft store and buying some scrapbook stuff.  That used to be a big hobby of mine, and even though Corey has most of our photos on the external hard drive he took with him, I still plan on getting the stuff I'll need for building an "us" scrapbook later. 

I was invited to go mountain biking on Saturday with one of my friends who got back from cruise a little while ago, but I don't exactly feel comfortable doing that when Corey's not around.  And not because it's a guy.  I'm still a little sketchy since my broken wrist incident from mountain biking last year and Corey is the only person that I trust won't let me get hurt.  I'm extremely clumsy and I know he looks out for me, even if it's only because he's in love with me.

Well, I'm starting to get a bit down in the dumps again, so I guess I'll go organize the office.  I put a couple of book shelves together last night and between Corey and I, we've got quite a few books that need to find their way onto those things.

I don't know if it's just me, but I seem to only ever be content in one aspect of my life at a time.  That may be because I tend to focus most of my energy into only one thing at a time, but I'm pretty much incapable of neglecting anything.  At least not on purpose.

What's troubling me right now is that I'm not content with anything.  I can't really complain about my love life since my love for Corey multiplies everyday; however, distance has never been my strong suit.  And then there's work, which I now currently loathe entirely.  I never would have imagined that transferring would have sucked the life right out of me, but it has--in spades.  I know it takes me a while to warm up to new people, but I find myself not wanting to even become lukewarm with this group.  Frankly, I just don't fit in.  Usually, I have school as a backup to throw myself into, but now that I'm on sea duty, which means longer hours, multiple dets, and, ultimately a deployment, I just won't be able to attend the classes. 

So, I've got nothing to be content in.  No Corey, no career, no college.  It's depressing me.  I spend all of these hours between two places that make me sad.  Home is where the heart is, and that's why it's so upsetting.  When you live with someone, their things and your memories of them are everywhere.  All day I want to go home, but when I finally do, I feel like I can't breathe.

I know I can survive a month, that's not in question.  I'm just not looking forward to the fact that's it's going to feel like a year.