I am not even sure where to start this. My last entry, was my husband leaving to Afghanistan. I had so many ups and downs over the 9 months he was gone, and though I know I am fortunate in that it was 9 months--it was 9 months of hell.

The onset of the deployment, we all were braced for the standard year the Army gets. Our guys were attached to NATO and NATO does shorter deployments. Within a couple of weeks of them being there, they were told they'd all be going home in 3 months. This was one of those things I did not count on, and knew the rug would be yanked from under us. However, as time got lose and it looked like they were 2 weeks from coming home, we were told no, they were extended 4 more months. So, for 4 more months we all waited, knowing it would happen again.

Sure enough, they 8 month mark was being reached when they told us it was most likely they were staying 4 more months, and we all prepared for the kick and suddenly they said "they are coming home." It was another month before they came home--and they are not all here yet. I've spent 9 months eaten alive with rumors and hatefulness, betrayal and new friendships. Some days, smiling was honestly the most painful thing I did. In the midst of it all, I got very sick and nearly killed myself out of sheer stupidity.

I got strep, and stayed home until I felt better, jumped right back into what I'd been so busy with, got it again in a week, and stayed home 'til I was feeling better, jumped back out again, got it a 3rd time and when it passed, I had a strange fever, that for all the world reminded of scarlett fever (which I'd also had years ago). I nursed myself along homeopathic-wise and was much improved, spent a week feeling really good and realized every time I got bitten by mosquitoes and whatnot, that it turned into large infected sores. Inside of a week, I had bites all over me, swollen sores. Then after feeling so good, I woke up one morning with a horrible fever and chills so hard I nearly bit my tongue off. I spent two days in my room between my bed, the sink and the tub. I kept picturing the morgue van coming for me. Several times, I contemplated calling 911. But I was so sick and had been sick all over myself and my room that I could not bear the idea that someone would see me like that. (Repeat after me: Juli is a dumbass)

Anyway, late in the 2nd say, out of bed linens, towels and other things to wear while dying, I had to wash things. I got it all down stairs, washed a set and had Little Prince Sexy Bitch remake my bed. I discovered the problem--what was making me ill. My right leg was swollen to twice it's size, my heel was a blood blister--entirely, and my leg below my knee was a hue of angry red and barney the dino purple. The next morning, first thing, I promised Little Prince Sexy Bitch he could take me to the hospital. To his merit, he checked on me all night, through the night. When I woke the next morning, feeling somewhat improved but weak, I saw my leg and it terrified me. It'd turned purple/black like a plum. It was horrific. I got a shower, and had to lay down after just to build up energy again. I had a dream I drove myself to the hospital and they told me immediately that they had to amputate. I woke up screaming. Off we went to the hospital. They did not offer or threaten to amputate, but they did immediately start admissions paperwork. I stayed for 5 days. I was on bedrest for 2 weeks after that. I still have problems and that was 2 months ago. It ain't over, but my body is fighting it on it's own. I spent 17 days on powerful antibiotics.

My weakened immune system took a beating with everything I did. The bites I was getting were infected because I had nothing to fight with. I ended up getting a blood infection from the bites. That infection nearly killed me. The area that was the worst affect, by the cellulitis was the area of my scarring from 3rd degree burns (of 28 years ago). It seemed to empower the infection in the burnt regions. everyone was amazed by the damage done in so short a time. Sheer stupidity kept me alive. I will never do that again.

Anyway, two weeks ago, the love of my life came home. It was wonderful, fabulous, awesome. It was a powerful perfect day. I will have to reprint my homecoming story here, it was funny. I never doubted it, but my marriage is yet again, so much stronger for the distance. I am so thankful for this, as I see so many people struggling since their husbands have returned. Life for us, has been bliss. Now all I dread is the next deployment....oh yeah, and Christmas travel.

Time is clicking by so fast, yet so slow. I can physically feel the passing of every minute, on this countdown to zero. We are down to hours left together. It's crushing me.

I can't sleep. I get into bed and I am crying before I know it. I am in physical pain to touch Jerry's hand. I want to grab on and hold him like I am dying. It hurts so bad. There's a song, I can't recall the name or artist, but the lyrics go through my head every time Jerry touches me: "...sometimes when we touch, the honesty is too much and I want to close my eyes and cry..." This song, these lyrics are so on the mark.

Jerry is my best friend in this life and any other. I always felt adrift and outside when it came to other relationships. No one pacified me until Jerry. With him, my life before seems to have belonged to someone else, because I have always been with him, it seems. This all just feels so wrong. I cannot wrap my brain around such a long absence in our lives.

I am going to miss the talking, the way we just always seem on the same wavelength. I've become so accustomed to to each of us finishing each other's thoughts that when I actually do have to stop and explain something to him it's akward award backward awkward awards backwards Packard awarded tankard backwardly Dakar Hayward sward wayward awardees awarding awkwardly. My God, it's going to be a lonely year. Thank God I have Jennings and McK.

My biggest comfort is in knowing that my friends have been there before and we'll all go through this together. These ladies are awesome. I am thankful everyday for their support and friendship. We are making plans to do things, plans to check on each other, plans to push each other through this. Our first plan is all of us are going out to see the opening of a play at the Showboat. I am looking forward to that. I warned Thomas (The director) the other day that I hoped this play was a drama, because there'd be 15 of us sitting there bawling, and we hoped we'd at least look like the play "moved" us!

I know we have the strength to get through this. I know I do, all alone. But right now, I am working through it all, trying to get my brain to accept it.

Anyway, sorry to be a downer...it's just all I can think about.

We went out today to price shop for a leather couch. I am not a fan of the leather couches--for all that can destroy them so easily--but I have a nice couch that nothing matches and leather is the only thing to match it. So we went looking. It was not meant to be a purchasing expedition. I was heartbroken, because last weekend I missed the 1/2 price sales at the same furniture store in a different town. (We drive far and away for any real stores.) So anyway, we went to this other town today and as we drove past, lo-and-behold, they had 1/2 price sales going on. And I love a deal!!!

So we went in armed with a couch pillow to find a match. I had really talked myself out of leather when I was seeing the prices--even the half prices. Then I discovered--quite by accident--a beautiful leather sofa. It is so supple and soft. I decided to sit and see if it was miserable...NO NO NO....Oh man, it was so comfy too...I hated myself for falling in love with it...then I saw the price. I got a beautiful leather sofa, almost an aubergine color, for $420...I was so happy I almost dragged the thing out of the store myself. The couch I have is going to look wonderful with it.

We replaced the giant oak coffee table with a same sized leather ottoman too. It it also awesome looking. Now that I am bringing the leather in, I think I am in love. I love it! Now my next biggie is to make drapes. I have lace up now, but I want some drapes over it. I am trying to make the living room a little more formal. I have about 6 yards of a yellow damask that I had left from a project I did last summer. I am going to make the drapes from that. (I already made 11 yards worth of drapes out of it and they look gorgeous. LOL And that was my first attempt at drapes.)

Have I mentioned I love home make over shows? My husband is leaving soon...very soon, too soon for a long deployment. My brain is doing everything it can to avoid the obvious. So my house is getting made over. lol. I can't help it. When I am done with the living room, the dining room is getting painted...by the time he leaves, I will have completely redone my house. By the time he comes home, I will have done it again...It's an insane place to be, my head.

This is the kind of night I am having:

I had to go pee, so I was getting out of my oh-so-high bed...(45 inches high). I went to throw my legs out and one was caught by the cat laying on top of the covers...however, the other leg was already well on it's way off the bed, so the rest of my lousy body followed it.

On my one legs way down, I encountered the dog laying there, unmoving. The other leg caught up at the same time. I was trying to maneuver my fast-moving-self to find floor space somewhere near her and not on her. Somehow I could only find doggie torso. I came down fast and hard, on top of her, hitting my foot on something in the dark and crushing down on her, while twisting the other leg and hitting my head really damned hard against the side rail.

I pulled myself up from the ground cursing and growling at the dog, calling her ever name in the book. Got myself into the bathroom and shut the door before I got the light on. I was in there feeling around in the dark, completely discombobulated. I finally found the switch, flipped it on and there's blood all over the floor, and on my white linen shower curtain. I had no idea where it was coming from. Then I looked at the bottom of my foot and saw two gashes. I have no clue what I hit in the dark, but it was sharp.

So, I pulled open the curtain to run the shower to wash my foot and I was holding the shower head in my hand and went to turn on the water--not realizing Jerry had left it on the "shower on" position, so I managed to spray down my pajamas and face with the showerhead I was holding at the worst possible angle.

It won't stop bleeding, so I can't get into bed, I don't want blood on everything. I have a board meeting in 6.5 hours...and to be honest, I am afraid of even driving tomorrow after this run of bad luck. I am sure a port-a-potty will fall out of the sky and hit me in the head.

I need to be headed to bed, but I thought I'd catch this thing up.

I've been drunk too much since New Years. Last weekend I spent the whole day inside with a massive hangover. Me and Drinking are having to part ways.

My son is home. Much to my rage and dismay at the Air Force. The very few stories he shares makes my blood boil. Once upon a time I felt the USAF was the professional service. I find myself wondering why the Army is in so much trouble for torturing enemy prisoners when the Air Force has such a great handle on the friendly side of the house.
Enough said. The nightmare is over, he's home. He's a different kid and slowly returning to semi normal. He's going to get his college applications in order before the end of the month and go back to the grindstone.

The other son--Little Man is in trouble a lot. It turns out, he is channeling a bully. He got in trouble at school for beating up another kid for snacks. I think he'd committed 10 different infractions before we got called in. My husband showed up down there and put him through the ringer for misbehaving. Little Man is usually a pretty easy going kid who wears his heart on his sleeve. Lately, he's demon possessed.

The Old Man is heading for lands abroad--it's coming soon. After Valentines, most likely. I am not one to celebrate these holidays, but this one will seem a little harder. Have I mentioned that the man makes my heart quiver? I love him so much. In all of this turmoil these last two months, he's been there holding me up, making me strong and letting me be as weak as I needed to be. I am going to be so lost when he goes. No pity party here, I just know where my heart is and know I am in for a very long haul. I was an FRG Leader and felt like the ladies and I would weather this together. But my husband's promotion removed him from the company we were in and off to a whole other field of play. So I won't even have my ladies. Well, we'll still hang out, but it'll be changed.

Anyway, gotta end on a funny. Somehow, me and little man had this funny conversation the other day. He asks the same questions over and over and I finally stop answering as I should and make up lies. So he came in and his room was a mess and he'd been in trouble for it. He said--over and over--"Who messed up my bed?" and I said "Me!"
The conversation took a life of it's own and soon I was admitting to not only messing up his bed, but eating cookies and candy and crackers in it. And playing with all of his toys and even being irresponsible with those toys and putting them outside. I mentioned watching movies in his bed and clipping my toenails in the bed too. I also admitted to not putting the DVD's back in their cases.

So now, he gets home from school and says "Mommy, you wanna tell me what you were doing in my room?" Later I heard him talking to his stuffed giraffe saying "Was she mean to you raffy? Don't worry, I am going to tell Daddy and get her spanked!"

Just came home from the annual block party. What fun.

We've been crazy busy. We got out of town day before Christmas eve, drove a 12 hour road trip, joined 14 members of my family and had a great holiday. My parents are always so good to us all in making a place for all of us. It was a lot of fun. Ask my husband, he remembers very little as he starts drinking when he walks in the door and stays happy as can be. :)

We came home on Dec 30, after 12 more hours in the car, got in after midnight, went to bed at 2, woke up at 8 ran all day, then went shopping for groceries for the party and the we went to an impromptu New Years Party. Then we drank until 4 AM. Then I came home and did dishes and cleaned up in the house. I was not asleep until 5 AM. Then we did another party today...I am way too old to be doing that. :) We had a blast on both counts.

I learned to play 2 new games: Cranium and Sequence. Both were a lot of fun. I need to own those games for our house. And oh damn, damn, damn...I learned how to make an "Italian Margarita" Let me tell you, that is wunnerful stuff.

If I remember right: In a blender, 1 can of frozen margarita mix, 2 shots amaretto, 4 shots bacardi gold label rum, and an orange liqueur (2 shots), ice and blend---and drink, and blend, and drink and blend and drink and drink, and drink...As much as I drank, I did not wake up with a hangover. oooooh yeah...!!!!

OK, time to get the freakishly large dog in and go to bed. While I had no hangover, I have still had no damned sleep for the last three days.

Also, I got to spend an hour on the phone with my son this afternoon. It was great to talk like we did. I am so very proud of him. As bad as it's all come to be in the AF basic, for the way they are treating him, he said something that made me burst with pride. I told him I was making a lewd and crude T-shirt for him about the AF. He said "You know, the only way I knew I'd survive this basic training was to focus on the end payout of graduating and someone to pay for college. And then this all happened and I thought there was no payout, nothing worth it. Now I see I do not and will not regret my having come here, I regret being stuck here, but I know this will make me a better person and show me what I need to to to succeed."

I had to fight the tears, because I am so fiercely proud of him. What a fantastic young man I've been lucky enough to rear.

Well, I hope everyone had a wonderful and safe holiday. Hope the New Years resolutions are successful and the love is abundant. HAPPY NEW YEARS EVERYONE!!!!!

Things are changing here at mach 5, and every 15 minutes it's a new game.

My son is coming home. He was found sleepwalking and apparently the USAF deems a person who sleepwalks as Suicidal--among other psycho drivel. (No, he is not, and the USAF is now uncomfortably aware of my position. My cannibal diet has served me well.)

He was sleepwalking and unresponsive and they took him down and locked him up on a psycho ward. When he called me it was a bit past that point. He was upset and freaked out.

Earlier on Tuesday, i was called by a man who called himself "Mr. #### ####" and scared the shit out of me. He asked me questions about sleepwalking--and I answered him very honestly. My whole family does this. My mother drove a freaking car in her sleep. I am a walker too, but I have more issues with night terrors. Anyway, I told him it was all through our family. I asked him if my son was OK, was I being questioned because he was sleepwalking, was there an issue with it? He said "Oh no, he just filled out a questionnaire and I wanted to verify some of it."

Anyway, there is a lot more to it, but I spent 12 hours guessing at why I had that strange damned phone call and then Jennings called and told me he was being released from the AF contract because Sleepwalkers are not allowed in the Service. (Something neither of us knew of until this.) None of us have ever lied about the issues, they are very common.

Anyway, he is coming home in a week or so. In the meantime, he's stuck in hell with promise of the bright future he thought he was laying. When he comes back, we all have a lot to discuss.

I know things happen for a reason. I never really felt positive he'd make it through this basic, because his knee is so bad. I was worried he'd bolo out after a mean knee injury. Now, it's established. He cannot do military service. One door closes, another opens.

Anyway people, have a wonderful holiday!! We head out in the morning for a a week of crazy, rushed holiday giving!

Well, we made peace. It took a couple of days but we made peace. We had a nice final weekend before he left. Every minute was agonizing. This is a pain I've never had. My heart hurts so bad.

I worked so hard to not fall apart and make it harder for him. We hugged and I told him I was sorry for going nuts, that I loved him. And off he goes to start his own life. Emotionally, I am sure I'll pull my head out of my ass somewhere after the summer when he's come home to collect his stuff and go on to his first duty assignment.

Anyway, the journey has begun.

IN THE HALLS OF MEMORY

You walked out onto a playing field after 9/11
And I saw the man you were to become
I did not know that at the time

Though I’ve come to hear the prophecy
Of my thoughts from that night
Too many times, all to clearly

I drift back to that moment, holding your infant hand
Looking at your grumpy, tiny face
Trying to look into those eyes
Asking you what your future would be

The time when you were one and hospitalized
Gasping for every breath, terrified
The time when you were two, again hospitalized
Again, gasping for every breath

I think about the moments when you’d refuse to play the sports
When you’d fight me about homework
About you at age 5, starting school and 12th grade seemed so distant
And then that night you took to the playing field

Suited up in football armor, being a high school jock
Back slapping with your team mates
Living like kings, as though the world were OK
The way it should have been

I think about the times we fought, the times we cried
The rare adventure or two
The trip to Charleston
The 1,000,000 times you watched Princess Bride

You walked the stage at graduation
I wondered if I’d die from bursting with pride
So much about you to be proud of
I’ve just been so lucky to be your mom

Today, this month, I’ve watched you march away from me
I’ve heard the clock ticking like a cruel game
The fights we’ve had drove the pending madness on
My world feels like it’s falling into an abyss
Crumbling and I am helpless but to watch it all

Today, we made that trip
The one I’d been dreading
That moment when all that we know
Changes forever

The pride, combined with the desperation
An epic battle raging
The terror I felt when I found I was expecting you,
Knowing I was not ready for a baby
Cannot match or meet the gulf of sadness I encountered today
Letting go, saying goodbye, ending this chapter of life
I was not ready for this either, I never will be

Tonight, after soul searching and crying in your room
I realized that until now, you’ve been on the uphill pull
Of the big roller coaster of life
The ride has stopped clicking, you’re at the top
Tonight, I imagine you must be sitting there listening to the wind
Anticipating the moment it’ll start
The rest is high speed and crazy
Throw your hands in the air and charge at it
Ride Well Jennings, I love you

Well, I just did it. I just felt the last straw give way and break. I just felt everything rushing away from me and I did it. I told my older son how I felt about his behavior for this last couple of years.

I am so tired of being a floor mat to that huge ego. I am tired of being treated like someone who is worth so little.

I guess this is normal to some degree and why the nest empties like it does. I've just thrown my son out of my house. He has 6 days until he is gone to the Air Force and I just threw him out. I know I am not a bad mom, but god, it doesn't feel like it. It happened so fast, I had no idea it would.

I am so tired of his bad behavior, tired of being the only one who pays the consequences. I am tired of the scathing remarks made at my expense because he thinks it's OK. Tired of being worn down because of him. Tired of not being the one to see him acting like a good person. I am told quite often that he's a good person--I am sure he is. Maybe if I make him a stranger to me that good person will surface and show himself here.

I am so tired and hating myself right now...

Ever read something so scary it made your eyes water?

I read something last night that set the tears flowing and the nightmares rolling all night. I read my nieces blog and I think she thinks no one knows what she is up to. I think she thinks what is being seen is only by her friends. I nearly screamed reading her blog.

She is nearly 14 and much too young for what is going on. Even worse, there is someone posting in her blog that has to be an adult. It's got me so damned freaked out. I feel like I am running up walls here.

I am her cool aunt. I am her friend, her buddy and her favorite person in the world. I am also, about her most ferocious authority. When we fight, we fight like all hell is breaking loose. How she grows up, THAT SHE GROWS up is my most important objective. She has always identified with me and if I say it, she doesn't always agree with it, but she does it. I am not worried that our relationship will change when I confront her, I just worry she'll take it elsewhere and I will be blind to it. I started to send her a note last night, but decided I'd wait it out until my hot head cooled and I'd watched a little bit more.

We'll be spending a week together at Christmas and she and I are going to have a serious talk. One is the birds and bees. In the meantime, I think I need to create a new Xanga account and start stalking a certain account and see what I troll in. Dammit I wish this kid lived in my house, she needs a guard dog from hell.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and I just got over Halloween. What the hell am I going to do to slow this clock down?

Love of my life and I have exhausted ourselves on talk. If his Battalion can't find a place for him with this promotion then we are going to call branch and see if there is any place else with 1SG positions opened. Preferably Europe. He is ready to deploy, but he doesn't want to do it with the other Battalions on post, he wants to go over with the one his guys are in. He was saying how hard it was to get such good news of his promotion then almost immediately lose his place because of it. His Platoon kicked ass on this last rotation and he was feeling so good about them--now he won't be with them when they deploy. He's moved on up to HQ for the time being and hopes they'll get him an answer pretty fast on a company to 1SG over. We'll just see. I am not sure how I feel about leaving here in the middle of so much. I think we'll try to stay here over all. And try to stay the path we were already heading down.

Little man is sick. He can't seem to stay awake for too long. He woke up yesterday with 104 temp. Scared me to death. Slowly but surely he's getting back up to speed. He ate nothing for about 36 hours and finally woke this morning demanding food. Good sign!

Little Prince Sexy Bitch went to his dad's for the week and when he gets back, he'll have two weeks left here. He leaves to Air Force Basic on December 12. I gotta tell you, my veneer is cracking away. I sit down here at night and cry, when no one else can see me. I know it's so good for him, but it's a slow death it feels like. My family of four is folding down to just me and the little man. I know we'll be OK, but it's just hard to focus anymore.

I did have my FRG to look forward to for this deployment, since I was the FRG leader, i knew I'd never be bored or want for something to do while the deployment was on...however, this move now removes me from that too. I've been asked to do other efforts in the FRG I am joining, but I am not going to. I want the time to myself again. I want to go back to the theater. I had to give it up, to give the FRG my full attention.

I got my award yesterday for the Performing Arts Competition (an 18 base competition.) I was disappointed when I found out I'd won 1st place for costume design when I'd worked so damned hard at properties. And at the competition, the judges had been so tickled with my work, I just was so sure I was going to get it! I made cool movie posters and just really had fun making the set look like a cabinet of curiosities. Anyway, after I got my award yesterday, I found that I actually had gotten first place with my properties. They combined the Properties and Costume categories. So I actually did get recognition for the work I wanted recognized. WOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOO!!! In the long run, it has really reinvigorated me to go back to the theater and really, really kick ass at next years competition. I'd like two first place plaques!!!! Actually, I'd like to see us sweep and get all first places. So maybe that will be my goal while the Old Man is gone. Kick ass!!!!

Love of my life will find out today--I've known all week--and what a long week it has been. But he made the E8 promotion list. This was his first look so he was 110% sure he would not be picked up for it. I think I almost pee'd when I realized what all the cryptic messages from past friends were about.

I am so happy for him. I can't wait to see him on Sunday to properly give him my congratulations!!! I am so excited for him, this recognition is long overdue!!

I try to respond to these comments and my computer locks up if I spend too much time in one scree. They are working ion our area so the internet service is sucking.

It looks as thought Heather is going to have a little less of a fight on her hands. They came back with results that show the cancer to be a less aggressive kind. (I know and understand so little of this) Her treatment looks like it will be less severe and much more optimistic. Heather spoke in depth with Little Prince Sexy Bitch about it--so I got my info second hand. I am giving her parents a bit of space--I know things are going crazy right now. But I am hoping to get an email soon...info, info, info...

Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers.

This week, we got an email that has left me still in shock. A friend of the family, My husband's friend of 34+ years, found out that his 15.5 year old daughter has a very fast growing cancer. From the point they discovered it and have been exploring it, (2 weeks) it has doubled. It is in her lymphatic system. (Did I say that right?)

Tonight, she she had exploratory surgery, by latest, Monday, they will know what they need to know to determine the full course of action.

Heather is an awesome kid, a beautiful girl and a sterling heart. Smart as they come and adventurous. Blond hair all the way down her back and her comments about Chemo were that she worried her roots would come back in dark. :) Through the tears, that laugh felt so good. Her family has had a hell of a year--but as always are resolute, close and happy. They are all talking about shaving their heads. I am thinking of joining them long distance. I wanted an extreme hairdo, here's my chance!

Say a prayer for her, for whatever faith you practice. Light a candle and hope for the best. Please, send up a request for her.

I don't know why it is, but I am sure missing my misspent youth lately. I am melancholy for all the mind numbingly dumb things we used to do. All of the obnoxious stunts. the entire days of wasted time that we enjoyed so much. Nowadays, if I waste a day, I regret it for 3 days that follow.

I love my age, I love that I am 38, next year I'll love being 39...and it'll go on. My age is a badge of pride for me. I enjoy my life. But lately, the constraints of adulthood have really given me a drag and a wish for simpler times.

I don't daydream like I used to either. Remember when you could daydream about winning a lottery and you never worried about how to put it away for a rainy day. You just dreamt of winning it and spending it. Now days, if I daydream of winning a lottery, I'm off to figuring out how much to bankroll away for each member of the family and how the nest egg would work for us. In my head I think "hmmmm would I buy a Hummer?" and then..."Hmmmm NO, it's uses a ridiculous amount of gas and really would not be fun 20 minutes after I bought it..."

As a child I spent hours in my favorite tree, cradled and staring at the clouds endlessly, dreaming of travels and journeys and boyfriends I might have. Living in castles, seeing beautiful places and things.

Now, if I have that day dream I find myself heading over to the financing of such a trip and, where the kids would go, what kennel the dog would stay at, and how I really need to get a sugar daddy to just finance it...and convince him my husband is actually my cousin who want's to go too! LOL

I watched a video file on line today that was hysterically funny, then, the second time around watching it, it made me sad. The two guys are probably 18 and they obviously rehearsed the silly sketch they did, but they were having the best time. It was silly, ridiculous and funny, yet it made me sad to remember I used to be that carefree and am not anymore. Does this make any sense at all?

I just really miss the endlessness of days that we thought would last forever. My only concern in high school was the next party, I think. For some reason, this last month or so, my mind wanders into these corridors of memory that I'd forgotten or just really did not think I missed so much. This year is my 20 year high school reunion, and I recently made the final decision to not try to go. It's too bitter sweet to not be able to take my husband to a place I held so dear. I guess it is what has inspired this mental journey.

I just miss my innocence and my complete and total lack of reality. I miss being carefree and I miss doing the dumbest things because I was not worried who would see them the next day. I've been seriously considering dying my hair two maybe three bright colors...something fashionable yet, punk. Hell, I even gave thought to complete punk complete with an eyebrow piercing--just to get shock value from my stuffed shirt friendships here. I guess this is mid life crisis. I just never thought I'd be hit by it, since I never yearned to be younger, I just want to more like the girl I was when I was younger.

I think I'll maul my husband and act like a sex starved teenager. A good weekend of that and I'll go back to being happy to be older. :P

According to this, I am a predator. I love it!!!!

Subject: Police Warning

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to
be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. Many
females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer" to target
unsuspecting men. The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now
available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, in cans, from taps, and in
large "kegs."

Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade
their male victims to go home and have sex with them. Typically, a woman
needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then
simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are rendered helpless
against this approach. After drinking Beer, men often awaken with only
hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often
with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life
savings, in a familiar scam known as "A Relationship." It has been
reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to
entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and
punishment referred to as "Marriage." Apparently, men are much more
susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by
the predatory females.

Please forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to
this insidious Beer and the predatory women administering it, there are
male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the
details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with
similarly affected, like-minded guys.

For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the
yellow pages.

Last night, I got the crap scared out of me. (Jerry too)

We were watching the Season Finale of Ghost Hunters on Sci-fi. Jerry was tired. He and McK were on the couch and I was in my arm chair. They were showing a really hair raising thing (an image of a man that was not there, that showed up on a heat sensing camera). I was on the edge of my seat and looked at Jerry to see what he was thinking of what we were watching. He was sound asleep. Then I realized I had been hearing him snore. I watched about a minute or two more of the show, wide eyed and already on edge, when I realized Jerry's snore sounded so odd. It was like he was doing one continuous inhale. I started staring at him, thinking there was something wrong. Then realized he was not snoring. His eyes were open and he was looking at the TV. The snoring noise kept coming. Then I looked around and realized what I'd been hearing. My dog was standing in the doorway growling her head off. While she's huge, she's really still a puppy, I've never heard her growl. She was facing out into the hall and her hair was standing up all over. She looked like a chow, her hair was so fluffed out. (Normally, she has a sleek black coat) She was getting louder and louder and her growl was suddenly really scary. Deep and mean. I thought maybe there was a cat in the hall she was after, and that scared me, because she'd never growled at the cats. I jumped up and went into the hall in case it was a cat. I didn't want her to hurt a cat. There was nothing there. She stayed behind me for a couple feet then I pushed the bathroom door open to look inside and she backed back into the room and got into her kennel. She never took her eyes off the doorway. She was scared to death.

Well, we investigated, there was nothing there. Jennings was up on the phone with a girl, with his door shut, Mck Was asleep next to Jerry. One cat was in the window behind Jerry the other was in plain sight on my office desk chair (which I did not realize until after.)

So things calmed down. Ender stayed in her kennel. She did not want to come out. The show went on to the next investigation and I was caught up again. I looked at Jerry and he was dozing again. I looked at the show again and was locked in when I heard what sounded like a man's voice far away. Like through a radio or something. It was so odd. I looked back at the surround sound speaker, thinking it came out of it. Then I saw there was no power in the surround sound. Jerry said "You heard that too?" and I said "I thought you were asleep" He said he was just about asleep when he heard a man's voice say something. We could not figure it out. So a couple more minutes goes by, Jerry dozing again and this time we hear a low mans voice, that sounds distinctly like a growl. It said 2 or 3 words, I know it did. I just don't know what it said. Jerry was in the process of jerking forward when the cat flew out of the window and across the top of Jerry's head. We both looked outside to see if something was out there. Not a soul. It was so damned odd. Jennings kind of got wigged about it when he came down too.

For the rest of the evening the dog would not walk through that door way. She's been through it this morning and acted like nothing bugged her. It was totally weird.

The timing was the most bothersome. It made for a perfect night of Halloween TV.

For some months I've known I was being watched by the FBI. :)

Ever since it was discovered I was a member of the Disorganized Crime Family known as the Ornamento Pinkus Flamingos (Not to be mistaken with Pinko Commies), I've known them to be lurking in my hedges and behind the pillars in my front yard. My first clue was the way the cops showed up so fast the night we were taking back our right to be the only ones to own Pink Yard Flamingos. Everyone knows the Yard Art Theft Department is good, but come on? Did they really expect us to believe they just happened upon us when we were confiscating that flamingo?

Sure we were making noise, sure we were drunk and loud...and oh sure, I was laughing so hard I threatened to pee right there...and OK, well, it was 2 AM, and normal people were asleep. But no one is that good to just appear there as we were removing what we considered ours. It was too smooth. We had to have been under surveillance. Everyone knows the Dept of Homeland Security only wishes they had the prowess of the Yard Art Theft Department.

So do you think it was much of a surprise last night when the search started for the missing Flamingo's that the hedges seemed to have eyes? No, I am not paranoid, I just have a highly developed criminal mind that can sense these things. My highly developed brain also master minded the scheme to confuse the Yard Art Theft Dept. We outsmarted them. They'll never notice we replaced those stolen flamingos with drunks who were painted pink and posed to look like a flamingo. Those ultra sleek switch-offs enabled us to make a clean get away with our precious flamingos. They were never the wiser until they woke this morning to find someone had pee'd in their bird bath and slept on their porch swing last night--and by then, it was toooooooo late!!!! Baaaaaawwwww-hhhhhaaaaa-hhhaaaaa!!!

Score: Disorganized Ornamento Pinkus Flamingos: 2
Yard Art Theft Dept: 0

Let's face it, if criminal masterminds like myself didn't do these kinds of things I'd put a whole division of the FBI out of work!

BTW: Is there another special department to investigate the theft of the Mary Kay Pink Cadillac's that are used in the commission of stealing the Pink Flamingos? (Hey, we felt they should match)

(So Jill...how was this for an update!?)

I've been thinking a lot about the little voice lately. It speaks and I usually give it plenty of heed because it is 99% correct and 1% misunderstood.

Some months ago a house near us caught on fire. There'd been several like it, fires that is. Suddenly I was receiving messages from my little voice. Stressing about making sure insurance info was up to date, info was correct, being more careful around the house...

Then, month by month, there'd be another fire. The last big one, was someone we actually knew. It was a scary and sad situation. Within three minutes the house was engulfed from a wiring fire. Their 4 kids narrowly escaped.

The little voice was screaming and reminding me of another time.

My best friends, former roommates, moved into the cutest apartment building, into their own apartments. I spent tons of time over there, since my house was boring as hell without them. My friend Jason went on and on about dreams, nightmares, fears and absolute dread about house fires. He was freaking out a little more every day. I didn't blow him off, but I just felt he was a little caught up. Then he called me one morning at work, freaking out. He was standing on the street corner because his building was on fire. His little voice had been full throttle and almost to the day, it seemed he knew it was coming.

My little voice is doing that. House fires. I can't get away from the feeling that there is a clock ticking and I am about to lose it all.

Then, the other day, a friend/neighbor ran into my house yelling about a fire at another friends house. We all ran out there to help, to put it out. It turned out some kids had set a fire behind my other friends house. It got very close to her house. It doubled in size within a minute. It seemed controllable when I ran up, then it was raging. A group of us fought the fire back until the Fire Dept showed up. Her family was OK, the property was undamaged, soooooo thankfully. In the back of my head I was thinking "Is this what the little voice has been screaming about?" and now, a day later, the fire having done very little damage, I am hearing the little voice all the clearer. It's starting to really freak me out. I have got to make my son understand a fire plan, I have got to get my insurance adjusted, I have got to make nightly checks of my house...I have got to catch those little arsonist children and skin them alive. I have to figure out how to make this little voice quiet down and make the seeming inevitable a little less likely.

Here is a fantastic recipe...you have to try this. This is my first soup of the fall anymore. I love this soup. I can hardly breathe for loving it so much tonight! (Sylvia and Kat, I expect both of you to try this one--since I think you two would enjoy it the most!) My mom has been making this for as long as I can remember it. I look forward to October just for the start of making this soup!

This is called a Tagine. Tagine is the Moroccan word for a stewed meal. You can have Beef Tagine, Chicken Tagine, Fish Tagine, Veggie Tagine...You serve this recipe of couscous. Most people are familiar with couscous. You can get this in the grocery store in boxes of flavored or normal. Use the regular couscous for this. (Couscous is about 1/4 size of a grain of rice and is actually a pasta type product.)

This one is a lamb tagine. We usually use a small amount of lamb, with a package of beef stew meat to make it. I did this in my pressure cooker, so the meat was done in about 20-30 minutes and very tender.

2 Lamb Shoulders (Essentially a small lamb steak)
1 Small PKG of beef stew meat
1 Large Onion
3 TBSP Cooking oil
1 small peeled and diced pie pumpkin (Small being the size of a large grapefruit)
1 can of diced tomatoes
1 TBSP Diced or pressed garlic
4 large carrots
2 potatoes
2 turnips
1 can garbonzo beans or chick peas
Another squash of your choice--butter nut, acorn

In a large stock pot, heat oil, and add in meat and onions, garlic, salt and pepper to taste
Once seared in and fried up, add 2 large glasses of water. Allow to cook for no less than 30 minutes, more like an hour.

Peel squash and pumpkin, clean and dice into cubes. Cut Carrot. Peel turnip and potato and dice. Once the meat has made a nice rolling broth, and the meat is cooked, add the veggies into the pot, to include tomatoes and garbonzo beans.

Allow to cook until the veggies are cooked through.

While the soup is boiling with the veggies in it, prepare the cous cous in a separate pot. Instead of adding regular water, use soup broth in it's place. Also, add in half a stick of butter. This will give the couscous aroma and flavor. (Couscous takes 5-10 minutes to cook)

Place Couscous in the bottom of a large individual soup bowls and ladle the tagine over it.

This is such a fantastic recipe. The carrots and squashes are somewhat sweet, so be sure to add a bit of salt. The turnips and potato will balance out the sweet. Pumpkin is a must in this stew. Serve this with a heavy bread or a French bread.