Hey, all you flower people...

What are some non-toxic to kids (I plan to teach Gabey not to eat flowers/plants, but I'd rather be safe) flowers that can grow well in mostly shade in Illinois? I was going to put in Lily of the Valley but just saw them on the toxic list.

Gabey just learned to crawl last Friday and we recently got a big new climber in the backyard (and plan to spend a lot of time out there), so this is particularly important to me right now. :-)

Thank you, battleaxe4real and karenthecroccy for sending Kevin postcards. He loves sounding the words out and reading them. He says he is going to collect them.


And now he is asking for more!! C'mon folks, if you have a second, drop him a postcard or card. He's especially interested in cards from New York showing Central Park, Times Square, or Grand Central Station (thanks to reading A Cricket in Times Square). He's also asked for mail from Aunt T & Uncle D, and Aunt A and Uncle T (you know who you are. *grin*).

Thanks!

Earthquake!!!!

5.4 (so my sister heard on the radio)!!

I would have slept through the bed shaking but it woke Pete up and all the handles on our dressers started rattling. Cats freaked and jumped off the bed. After it had all died down we heard Kevin's door open and a little voice say "Why is the earth shaking?" It woke the baby up too--but hey, I was supposed to wake him up at 5:30 for a feeding anyway, so no biggie. Is there a place in the baby book for Baby's First Earthquake?

Best quote:

Kevin said "Why didn't quasigeostrophy warn us?"
We told him that he does weather, not earthquakes. :-)

Ok, kids back asleep. Must try to do the same.

For the most part, I like my hair. It's not quite what I wanted:

http://www.bellaonline.com/articles/art9105.asp

But I think it will grow into it.

The reason for no smile in the photo---no good at smiles on self portraits.

Starting on March 19th I went up to 150 mg of Zoloft (I went up to 100 right before my sister went in the hospital).

I'm not where I want to be yet. And in the last few weeks I see myself sliding back into some areas of depression--falling behind on details due to being unable to force myself to take care of them, lack of social contact, etc. In some ways this is harder than it was before the Zoloft--back then I saw no way out of the depression and didn't care. Now I see the possibilities and have sampled some of the happiness and want more....but I can't quite get there and don't have whatever it takes to get there. Which is HUGELY frustrating. I want to be well. I deserve to be happy and enjoy both my kids and have a fun summer.

I'm also investigating the possiblity of thyroid issues with my doctor.

Happy 14th anniversary, elmegil!

Plans--uh, not yet, maybe this weekend. Today is our parent teacher conference for Kevin and his magic class tonight.

Gift--uh, not yet.

Card--hey, just got one on my way back from taking Kevin to school! And gave it to Pete the minute I signed it.

Fancy dinner--um, going to make what I call Mexican bean goop while Gabey naps so we can wolf it down before the conference and Kevin's class.

But we have each other and the kids.

*hugs, smooches*

I love you.

My sister was discharged from the hospital last Wednesday after a week in the hospital. She came to stay at our house because she is very weak and tired.

Well, the fun has already started. She was supposed to call after the got out of the hospital Wednesday (Wed afternoon, Thurs, or Fri) and make doctor appts for this week. Did she? No. I'm going to make damned sure she does tomorrow and I've told her I will drive if she needs to me. And I reminded her we don't cancel appts when we feel bad--that is when we need to go most of all.

I have issues with this because after mom got out of the hospital she was supposed to go to another city for an appointment with her cardiologist. She said she felt too bad to go and cancelled that one and an appointment with her local GP. Gail didn't force her to go. And gee...well, she died. *sigh*

We're going to see if she feels well enough to go home tomorrow afternoon after the home health care nurse comes and after she makes her calls. It's hard for her to get enough sleep here with Kevin and Gabey (since she is up all night and sleeps all day).

She's on coumadin and will have to go in for frequent blood draws for a while. They will be testing her for clotting disorders--if she comes up positive, then they will test me.

Had to call the ambulance for my sister today. She called me with labored breathing, hung up to do something, called back 30 minutes later and said she had passed out. She insisted no ambulance but just wanted me to take her to the doctor. *sigh*

She's in the ICU now with bilateral pulmonary embolisms. Me, I'm just so fucking happy it's not a heart attack, that I'm actually relieved.

Adrenaline crash now.

Gabey is 12 lbs 11 oz today!!! He's gained almost a pound since January 11! We have to get him to 13 lb 4 oz to even get him on the weight chart, but that seems attainable now.

He cut his first tooth on Saturday (Kevin already had one by this point). He also threw up for the first time that night (not sure why, but it settled quickly). A recent snack of mashed banana and strawberry flavored Prevacid at least made the puke smell pleasant. :-)

After talking to my doctor and my therapist, I have decided to try increasing my Zoloft from 50 mg to 100 mg starting today. We felt that while the 50 mg had definitely helped me, I just wasn't getting enough from it. I'm still too muted. I still have a hard time dealing with Kevin and frustration and not being able to rediscover the urge to play with him. I'm still avoiding making phone calls. I'm still avoiding answering emails and taking care of details/paperwork. The other night I had to think about Kevin and his PANDAS and how we might be fighting this for the next 13 years, and it got me close to panic attack stage (but it didn't happen...which shows the Zoloft is working!). Still having problems enjoying things, though I have been having more fun in spontaneous play with Gabey. I have a hard time making decisions and still feel anxiety about them. Part of me does feel guilty about taking more meds, like I should just be able to use the lower dose and do the rest of the work myself.

It will be interesting to see if this increases any side effects or brings in new ones. I had some head aches, a tight stomach, and dry mouth at the beginning with the 50mg dose. I don't know if the exhaustion is the Zoloft or waking up 3 times a night to feed the baby.

BTW, I did start taking 50mg of Zoloft on the 11th (when I discovered Gabe had only gained 1 oz). I can tell it is helping already. Otherwise I wouldn't have survived the mastitis/Pete being gone. I've had a few side effects--tight stomach, decreased appetite, mild headaches, drowsiness. Of course, I'm getting up 3 times a night to feed the baby, so I don't know if the exhaustion is from that or the meds. I'm glad I made this decision.

So, time to pick your collective brains.

I suspect that come the end of January, I'm not going to be feeling much better. So, after 3 1/2 yrs of battling depression/PTSD/PPD with exercise, acupuncture, herbs, and talk therapy, I think it's time to try a SSRI. It makes me sad that I've been this way or over half of Kevin's life now. He deserves better, and so does Gabey.

In particular I'm curious about Zoloft. Specifically curious about its effects on libido and weight (both of which are big problems for me right now in my unmedicated state). I know Zoloft is the drug of choice for nursing moms.

Replies will be screened to protect your privacy.

Just a reminder. My new email address is in my profile. My old one is going away shortly.

A few holiday pics of the boys:

http://www.elmegil.net/gallery/d/16609-1/PC240072-processed.jpg
http://www.elmegil.net/gallery/d/16625-1/PC240055-processed.jpg
http://www.elmegil.net/gallery/d/16580-2/PC240066-processed.jpg

Oh, dear. I haven't posted in forever.

Fighting PTSD and PPD. My therapist suggested meds, but I want to wait just a bit longer and attack what I feel is the root problem. Many of my symptoms (aching joints, inability to lose weight, massive hair loss beyond usual postpartum hair loss, depression, loss of labido, spotting, etc) are indicative of low progesterone levels. I know when I was fighting infertility and when I got pregnant with Gabe, my progesterone levels were very low. I'm taking a supplement that is supposed to help my body regulate and increase my progesterone. I've been taking it since the beginning of December and am starting to see some improvement. If I don't see continued improvement by the end of January then I will consider short term usage of an anti-depressant.

Needless to say, I'm not enjoying the holiday season. Which makes me feel horribly guilty because it is Gabe's first Xmas. With Kevin we made such a big deal out of his first...and that doesn't seem fair. *sigh*

Gabey is fighting a head cold, courtesy of big brother. He is tall and skinny--his last growth spurt at the end of November shot him up to 60th% (25 inches) for height and 10 percentile for weight (12lb 5 oz). Hopefully he'll gain some now that he's stretched out. He's an excellent sleeper at night. He'll be 24 weeks on Xmas. He seems to be doing okay in general for milestones but is a bit behind in some of the mobility ones. That is to be expected for a 34 week preemie. He just started showing us that he can roll from his tummy to his back--but boy does he hate tummy time! He appears to be starting teething (god, not that again!!!). He loves listening to Kevin sing to him and listening to us read Sandra Boynton books. He's starting to nap decently, but it's hard to work it around Kevin's pre-school schedule.

Here's a picture from Thanksgiving.

OMG!!! Barenaked Ladies and Boston Pops in concert doing holiday tunes on PBS right now (WTTW 11 in Chicago)!!!

*swoon*

*record button*

Just shoot me now. My clicker on my touchpad is dead from the static shock. It won't let the USB mouse function fully, so in order to click on a link I have to open it in a new window instead of a new tab.

And now I find that Spamarrest is dead....which means none of my email is getting through.

If I take my iBook in to Apple it will be gone for a week. So I need to get my calendar, address book, and downloaded email over to Kevin's computer or some other accessible point.

If you need to talk to me, call or text msg my cell. Fuck!

Elizabeth--thinking of you today. Am trying to send an e-card but it's proving almost impossible with this mouse.

My sister zorted my laptop and it killed the clicker on my touchpad.

So, I'm not ignoring you, I just can't make the computer do anything. Right now I'm on Kevin's PC.

God, I hope I don't have to take it to the Apple Store. I won't get it back for a week if that happens.

Keyman and his sidekick, Tigger Baby

Introducing.....Keyman. Able to find lost keys and unlock any door (this was his creation).