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[19 Sep 2008|01:00pm] |
There is not much for me to say. I seem to go in circles around my thoughts and feelings. My emotions are carved and imprinted, I don't know how to feel. I often have outbursts of my emotional truths. I believe that I have reached a point, I am too clever, I know too much. I feel and what I feel is not something that I can rationalize.
It sucks when you are immensley talented and your talent comes in sudden waves. I want to know that this is always mine. Maybe I blocked it when I became afraid to feel. There is this agitation in me. I go back and forth and everything makes me nervous. What to think and how to feel. The world around me has no idea what I am going through. How to explain? What I see, I do not explain. I see life in energy and patterns, deja vu, I see beyond. I was always one to question what was underneathe. As I result, have I lost my mind? Is there really a mind that is not imprinted by ideas and morals? If you were to drop these, who are you? I am this, I am what is left. You see, I don't want to think about it anymore. I just want to know it. Sometimes death seems so peaceful, I am constantly moving, changing, growing, on and on. What am I that is consistant? What is the logic in taking a known path when we don't know where we are going? I have these amazing insights and I did not get this way from any book or person. What does this make me? Can you define it?
I am tired. I want to break out and there is no person that can hand me the key. Life just happens, you run into an event and it takes you where you are going. Please don't insist that you are in charge. That has nothing to do with the every day reminders that we really are not in charge. So I ask God, if it is not me than why don't you help? Where am I taking myself? I don't feel the happiness that I know I deserve, I am on the look out. I am waiting for that ball to be thrown.
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| A few things I have learned in my life. |
[02 Aug 2008|02:04pm] |
1. If he is an asshole, leave him... Point blank (I don't care if he owns half the world... It still doesn't belong to you)
2. If you know that you are great and someone not so great tries to tell you different, make sure to write them step by step directions on how to fuck themselves, that's if they aren't doing this to themselves already.
3. If someone gets mad at you because you don't want to listen to them, don't even waste your energy trying to tell them they're wrong... They'll eventually and maybe even painfully figure this out.
4. You'll know when you're going places.
5. If you know you are brilliant some where deep inside and you haven't found a way to express it. I give you my word that one day this time will come.
6.You know you are too good for a guy when he fucks you over, you leave and five years later he's still trying to get with you. Ewwww.
7. Always trust your first instinct when you meet a person. I haven't ever been wrong.
8. People that pass away do come by to say hello. There is life after death. Don't let the thought of mortality scare you.
9. You don't need to take advice from anyone if you don't want to. Just take in what you think applies to you.
10. Don't ever let someone size you. Tell them they can't measure how amazing you are.
11. Don't be a vindictive, scamming little shit, I know this type gets theirs in the end... and it's really sad.
12. Don't be afraid to make decisions with your heart, the experiences you'll get from this will blow your mind.
End....
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[02 Aug 2008|11:45am] |
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 pensive |
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I have always had the dream to accomplish big things in my life. I have always been a dreamer with a rich vision. I have, in these visions realized my weaknesses.
I started my career at Body Details a year ago. I saw it as irony in the skeem of things. I had gone to this Business of Laser hair and tattoo removal and purchased a couple of packages. It was almost like Deja Vu. I had asked for a job, almost too knowingly... Only to find myself working there a year later.
When I started this Career, I had hope and I saw something bigger than life. I had the opportunity to grow and make something big happen. I saw an amazing project at the age of twenty in which I could make my own.
How did my life become such a mess? I was living at home with my Mom and it was a bad living situation for me. I got out the moment I could running into my good friends one bedroom apartment. It made sense because she couldn't afford the rent and I couldn't bare one more night at my Mom's house. But it was too close to home. I was managing Fort Lauderdale working 6 days a week like a dog. Fatigue sunk deep into my bones and I found myself looking forward to a casual drink at night with dinner. This was my life, I did't have one. The apartment was hard to keep up with. Between Devon's busy schedule and mine I was constantly trying to organize everything, which lead me into a deeper insanity. My heart was beyond broken from love. I had left a three year relationship with the love of my life and I had gotten into a worse scenerio falling harder for someone who couldn't catch me. I seemed doomed. I worked so hard and everytime I saved up my money, something happened and I had to spend it. I am working in a job where I had to change my lifestyle, my clothes, my everything. I would catch myself falling asleep at night, dreaming about the girl I really was. I remember making music with my closest of friends. Though I hadn't achieved much, I still had faith in the future. But what was this? Was this really the definition of growing up. I was just pushed to the limits. All these experiences, all this inner knowledge and everyone thought I was crazy.
"You don't listen!" This is what I was being told. But there was this voice in me that was screaming back "You don't know!" Maybe I am crazy but I did it all out of love.
I just wanted a place to call home, a life that was mine, a love to believe in, a dream to make true. I wanted to believe that in this whole world there was something that was mine.
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[13 Jul 2008|06:13am] |
If only I could speak the words that I want to in my life. God I just want things to make sense for once. If you could bring me some sort of path or way.. beyond my wavering mind, I'd like that. My emotions are like a rollercoaster and I dont know what is real. I am asking for some love and guidance to bring me through all of this.
God, I don't always see it. I feel different from everyone else and I want to feel light again. I want to be happy and with a reason.
I just dream, that is all I do... I don't know where these dreams take me because I am always different from one day to the next. But if you know this is what I say. Then please, help me. Love.
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[08 Jun 2008|03:52pm] |
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mood |
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 peaceful |
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I found out today that my friend died. We were sooo close in the 8th grade. I loved him. You know, I've had a journal since I was in the second grade. I love writing. I have journal entries about mike. I sobbed like a baby. He was one of those people that really saw me for who I was inside. I feel like I am so many people on the outside but if you look into my eyes you'll know that it is so much deeper. He seemed to see that. He was so good, such a good person. So real, just needed someone to bring him closer to love in the end. I am so sorry that I wasn't there for you when you asked me to be Mike. You called recently and I could've been there more.
You know... I told my friend that I didn't think that anyone had ever really fallen in love with me. Hehe... Thought that was amusing and then I forget about so many people. I think I fall in love easily. No, I just love, that's all. I fell for someone really hard this year and he just let me stand there without a word. It was there. I see that I am more of myself now. I go out and my energy is contagious. I feel good about me, my heat. I think I fell in love with myself. (That's a good thing) I haven't always been. But I kind of enjoy my undescribable humor, my energy... How I think EVERYTHING is funny. I like the way I feel when I dance and smile. I love my depth and my sensuality. I think I am hilarious because I laugh when I am all by myself all the time. I will be in my car cracking up. I wonder what people think when they watch me through their windows. It's not like I am crying. But laughing out of insanity. I read people so easily.... I start to laugh "Why are you laughing?" "Uhhhh... can't explain it haha" I feel like a woman again. Soft and delicate but so light hearted. I am healing from this mess I was in. There is nothing like getting your heart broken. I didn't really know what focusing on yourself meant. But I have so much more to give when I am giving to myself, I can be more giving of myself. It doesn't hurt the same. I look at him and I forgive him. He knew it was real, I know that he loved me when he looked into my eyes that night. That scared him. I went out last night and I am so crazy. I really am a lot to handle. I am flirtatious and free. How can I blame him for being scared? He probably knew I was a little adventurous. But I can say that I haven't ever cheated. I am not a cheater. I am devoted when I am. He would of been happy with me... I know. So weird how life just kind of happens. People die, lovers vanish. I am still happy though. Hard working and happy. I run 3 miles almost everyday. My only habit that isn't beneficial are my occasional two drinks, which aren't so occasional any more. I am sensitive and spitirtual. I exist in this ecstacy of energy. No one knows the things I feel and see. My vision in technicolored. I see signs and patterns. I know things I cannot repeat. I can say them but to repeat is to clone and an experience is original. I think someone really loves me out there. They feel this way about me. I think that someone out there knows this side of me. It isn't so foreign and judged but so free and beautiful. I think love is complete understanding. I love the freedom. I didn't ever think I'd be this way. Okay so I am falling in love again but it's not with any one else. I am in love with the love in me. I appreciate the purity and the vision and enables me to see the truth behind this masterpiece called life. This condidtion of human existance. Bring me closer. I am intense.
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[06 Jun 2008|07:28pm] |
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mood |
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 exhausted |
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I want to take a walk on the beach at night and look at the moon. I want to go to a place that feels like it belongs in a dream. I am a dreamer. Last night was so strange, can't even explain it in words.
Devon and I went to Nikki Marina and we looked hot, just making a statement. Work has been going well for both of us and I am losing weight. It was a good feeling overall. We always make an appearance at Nikki, VIP is our middle name there.. Really, it's no big deal but we prefer to feel like princesses when we go out of our way to get out and dance. No one is there and we are kind of bummed because there is a new crowd and the whole place reaks of liquor and sweat... eek. I talk her into buying a drink with me and we get double shot redbull vodkas. I am a fast drinker, I drink sippers like shots. Right after we get our drinks we run into Giuseppe and his cousin Gio, those are our boys and we were relieved to spot familiar faces. Now they are getting us more drinks a we are all dancing. Giuseppe is on another pursuit to conquer a woman's heart but she's staring at me. (haha) At this point I am drunk and I feel like jessing. Stirring up some friction. She leans over and says "I like you more than your friend, shhh" It is my pleasure to steal his pursuit, I pretend, I flirt back, not because I want her but because Giuseppe has hit on every single one of my friends and the story goes on but I feel like double dosing the medicine. I totally get her attention, go in VIP with her and run off like the little white rabbit to once again join my friends, teasing the hell out of Giuseppe because I was his competition and let me tell you, I laid down the law. Hilarious. But the truth is... Giuseppe is probably one of the best people deep inside I know. A total man whore but I love him like a brother, like my bestfriend. So let me not belittle him with this funny story because he is amazing.
I am floating now, I am drunk but okay. I see Devon sitting outside with this man and I have a message for him and it pops into my head. I tell him his whole life story, his sign, his feelings and I don't know why I know all of this. I see the soul, the meaning. It was strange and he kept on telling me that he had never met someone like me with these messages, but I was on a rampage and it wasn't for me. I had nothing to gain from this, I didn't want anything from him, with him etc. I realize that an hour has gone by and Devon doesn't know where I am, she doesn't have her phone. I can't find her in this heavy crowd of people, the noise and lights. I close my eyes and I see her in the bathroom and I run in that direction and she comes running out. "Brittany, where the hell have you been?!!???" Her eyes are red "I have been looking for you for so long, I thought you left me, don;t leave me, don't ever leave me!" She is hugging me like a child and I see this innocence. But there is a deeper meaning here and I know it. "Devon, I wouldn't ever leave you, I wouldn't ever desert you at a club. I wouldn't dip out on you ever." It became clear to me, this girl was not just my friend or my roommate but she was my family. I was there for her like no one else was and I saw this. What is love? Really, when you have no one you have nothing. What joy is it to have yourself with nothing to share. We are so much ourselves, why not share? And I see this is a light that is so clear.
I go to work still drunk, still spinning and I am not grounded. I was not a success... Alcohol doesn't do me right but I had so much fun.
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