mood: contemplative music: Smoke On The Water

Dammit, it's been a long time since I've updated.  Sorry about that.  Anyways, here's a list of what's going on for me now.

• Frankie is heart broken because that bitch Jen broke up with him.
• Joey likes me but won't go out with me because Tiffany has money.
• Zack may break up with Casey at the end of the year.
• Brendan and Trish had forms of sex.
• I despise everyone in the world except those who think I'm cute.
• I'm failing math and it sucks ass.
• I have to go to a christian school next year.
• I can't help out at my CCD class anymore.
• I got a call from some guy named Kevin Thomlinson who said that it was a personal matter and I didn't know him.
• I'm learning to play tabs on the guitar.

Anyways, that's about it.  Nothing much.  Love ya!

mood: blank music: none

Okay, here is something that my teacher made us do.  We had to start a journal.  We only had to do two entries.  So, here they are.

March 17, 2004

It seems that every day I feel like I don’t want to be here.  Every second, every instant of life that I have is spent wishing that I wasn’t here, wishing that I had never been born.  Every day that I go out and I have to look at all the cute guys walk by with their girlfriends clinging to them I don’t want to be here.  Every time that I have to go and get something to wear, I don’t want to be here.  I can’t resolve it and I have never been able to.  Every breath that I take into my body is one that I don’t want but have to have.  Everyone says that they’ll miss you, well, they won’t.  They’ll say that they’ll cry, but will any tears really fall to the ground in your honor?  No.  No tears will be shed, no one will be hurt, no one but you.  You will be the only one who is gone and the only one who loves every second of it.  No on really gives a damn about you and if you are here anymore.  Even though they tell you that for every minute that you’re gone they die a thousand deaths, well, they’re lying.  The only reason why they may bring up your name or even reference you without your name is to prove how tough they are, how much they’ve been through in the past.  They never speak about you and what you had to go through, only what they had to endure.  That’s it, plain and simple.  The bottom line really is that no one gives a care whether you live or die.  You are just an insect in a world of gods.  That how you feel and that’s how everyone views you.  They are the kings and queen and you are the peasants.  It all depends on how much they like you for you to be able to move up to a higher position.  If you are funny and they like you for that, you’re a court jester.  If you are a singer, you are the muse.  If you play an instrument, but you must play it well, you are a minstrel.   If you are a poet, you are another muse.  If you have an insatiable lust for telling on people, you are suddenly the king or queens right hand man.  If you always fetch them something from the lunch line for them, you are automatically dubbed the head waiter.  But no matter what you do, you can never have a high standing like a prince or a princess.  You can never make it up to the rank of the king or queen either.  God is never there for me.  He just seems like a sick and twisted bastard sometimes with a love for cynical humor.  He takes out his anger on the whole human race without even caring if you are getting hurt.  But the worst part is, most of the times, He only targets one person…YOU!

March 23, 2004

“I would like you to list three ways that you have improved over the past year.”  Now there’s a good joke.  I haven’t improved one bit.  Nothing in my life has changed.  My friends are farther away, I am still depressed, and I still have suicidal thoughts.  I don’t care about life anymore and I don’t care about living.  If it was up to me and I had to make the call on whether I woke up tomorrow or slept for all eternity, I would pick the sleeping.  I can’t take this world anymore.  It’s so screwed up.  I am at the end of my rope and the other end is tied to the branch of a tree.  All that I have to do now is jump off.  I want to fall into the dark abyss that is death and sleep forever more.  I haven’t lost any weight, my friends are no longer at my side, no one gives a damn anymore, and no guy in his right mind would ask me to go out with him.  I lost the one person that I really loved because of the fact that people who have called themselves my friends told me to.  They told me to break up with him because our ages were too far apart for their liking.  Well, it wasn’t too far apart for mine.  I loved him.

People keep saying that their always there for me.  Why does it seem like their not?  Every time that I’ve ever needed someone to talk to, someone to tell me that they care, they either tell me to take it to someone else or that they have no time for me.  But it always seems like I still have time for them.  It’s a useless struggle.  I’m buried in a hole and I can’t get out.  Rain is pouring in all around me and I’m trying to get out but I can’t.  I scream for someone to let me out…but no one comes.  No one would ever even dream about coming near me.  No one would ever dream about

Well, I am flunking Spanish, I have a D in Theology, my best friend Catherine isn't here, we just had to have mass, my makeup is ruined, and I'm a fucking retard.  Today is just a bad day.

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