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Sunday, May 11, 2008
9:48PM - better and more better still
wow, I can't believe I haven't posted since the "pity party" in April.
I'm graduating from seminary in less than a week. :-)
I've written MOST Of my papers ON TIME this semester, and most of them have been pretty good.
I'm working on job prospects... nothing secured yet, but two jobs to which I have a lot to offer and about which I would be VERY passionate.
life is better. and I'm at peace with the things which are not perfect... not-perfect is a NORMAL and even a HAPPY way to be.
I can't wait to see my parents this week.
Sunday, April 13, 2008
8:16PM - Ha!
Forgive me, my friends, this is simply a pity party. you're invited to not-attend.
( My Pity Party )
Believe it or not, I feel better. Seriously.
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
12:13PM
“I think that people who want to keep religion private are fooling themselves. Because the only question is what type of religion will be public not whether religion is going to be public. And if the good people keep religion private and the bad people make it public, well then, don’t expect anything but a world full of bad religion” --Eboo Patel
that's why I'm convinced it is important for me to VOCALLY proclaim the love and justice for which God has called me to strive, AND why It is MOST important for me not to demand that people agree with me, just to "cast a vision" and invite other's along...
Saturday, March 22, 2008
9:04AM - silence reigns?
why isn't anyone talking about this?
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/asia-pacific/7307242.stm
Maybe it was just negligence, or the desperation of doctors attempting to save a life, or some kind of mistake. But these children, and others like them were infected with an eventually terminal, incurable but somewhat preventable disease. How is this not a international emergency? How can we Americans, wealthy- citizens- of - earth or westerners (however we identify) NOT immediately move to change this situation? I could live without cable TV if I knew my sacrifice meant these children had resources. I have recently even begun to realize that perhaps it would be a good thing to survive without particular fresh fruits and vegetables except when they are in season in my hemisphere so that that fuel and the shipping capabilities would be diverted to emergency needs. OK those are not actually solutions which I am proposing, my point is that there COULD BE solutions if there were sufficient incentives. In a capitalist system, the only systematically affirmed motivation is profit and personal or my-community improvement. What alternatives do we have? Could people actually be convinced to work for the common good? I believe that is possible for common good to unseat profit as a primary motivating force.... I'm just not yet sure how.
Meanwhile, I pray for these children AND their caretakers.
Saturday, March 1, 2008
7:28AM - YAY!
Sunshine, B vitamins and life make me feel very hopeful. WE may still be a month away from Spring time, but that's OK with me 'cause March is going to be pretty. Maybe our "in like a lion" part of march was a little confused and came on Feb 29th with that snow Friday morning ... and the rest could be LIKE A LAMB!!! well, it's hopeful, right?
anyway life is good, I have hopes to live in Rogers park this fall, I have leads on a few possible jobs and well... that's really all that's happening.
Saturday, February 9, 2008
7:43AM - Post-Train Wreck
I had another emotional week - Tuesday I was so depressed that I left work early. I felt completely overwhelmed and sad, could not focus and needed to sleep. In fact, I took naps every day this week, and not because I wasn't sleeping enough at night.
And yet, I didn't miss any classes. I cleaned my apartment. (Amanda was here and something about having a second person in the apartment encouraged me). I accomplished a little bit of homework and worked on important stuff.
So my medicine and therapy are working - my crisis FELT like a train-wreck, but my life was NOT actually derailed. That is a HUGE victory and celebration.
But the truth is, I am struggling.
( Pondering the Struggle )
I will keep struggling. I will keep climbing - I have hope.
Sunday, February 3, 2008
2:59AM - Make New Friends But Keep the Old...
One is silver and the other's Gold! Goes the girls scout song... it continues "a circle is round, it has no end, that's how long I will be be your friend"
I realized something as I lay awake this morning at 2 am (something I haven't done in a while) - I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. Things are getting better in my life, but I don't expect to be happy. I've become accustomed to being depressed sad and feeling ill-prepared and overwhelmed. And because of that I have a few self-defeating habits. So I'm going to work little by little to examine why I feel this way, what I can do to change it, and reform my habits!
But I also realized that part of what I'm struggling with is an internal schism - between a value I was raised with and one I have chosen for myself. Let me be clear, my parents probably do not have this one worked out terribly well either. But in the South especially (although I have become aware this is NOT unique to the south in any way) growing up, going to school, taking a job, moving into a house, getting married (or not), having children, raising them and retiring all within a 100 mile radius is considered NORMAL. Culture speaks a subtext about people who chose to move afar - they are prodigals, lost, strange, or discontents.
In some way, there is truth to that value - I initially began to travel because I liked seeing new things, but what made me into a traveling-fiend was recognizing communities who held different values than Rockdale county (where I grew up). On a ranch in Honduras, I met people who honestly rejected western materialism and lived for the joy of relating to people. Seemingly poor, these social workers, teachers and priests were so rich (and they had enough to eat, which was enough!) In Kenya, I struggle so vehemently against Brad's colonial attitude - all I could say at that time was how STRANGE it was every man I met was wearing a GREY three piece suit!!! and yet the women, inside of the round cooking hut, had a precious community of mothers, sisters, aunts and nieces that shared in a love I had never before seen.
So I went to college and discovered a few new values - and I decided once and for all that achievement was going to be my ticket to a new place where I could find a community whose values corresponded to those inside of me. But I did not then know the cost, the dire cost, of transforming the deep roots of the friendships I had grown up with.
Eight years after graduating from high school I can no articulate the strangeness of living in a series of incredibly intimate and increasingly life-sustaining communities. In fact, I have become much life how I imagine the first disciples were - not in virtue, i make no such claim - but in traveling and gathering. Like the early methodist circuit riders, my "annual conferences" (quarterly meetings would be better!!!) bring together the people which whom I share the most commonalities. But where the solidity of a shared locality makes keeping up friendships simple, long distance friendships must be maintained INTENTIONALLY. and when that intentionality fails on the part of the other person, it is hard not to feel rejected. But how can someone who never lived more than 10 miles from mama and daddy and then moved into the house of the best friend she grew up with when she finally moved have a CLUE about keeping up long distance friendships -it took me years to learn, and I was living a nomadic lifestyle!
So now I need to make a decision - not today now, but over the next few years.
I would have to confess that one of the things about the folks I have always dated is they tend to be the within-100 miles type.
Do I want to be the 100 miles type who is going to chose a community and settle in? Do I wish to invest in building a community over 40 or 50 years?
Or Do I wish to continue my vocational wanderings, offering to the local communities powerful and intense gifts, but spreading seeds rather than tending the soil over a countless cycle of seasons? Do I wish to continue sharing the beauty of something people had not previously imagined before I came into their limited perspectives?
And if I'm feeling a tension because I have up until now unexaminedly chosen the less-settled life, how do I reconcile within myself the loneliness I feel? Is this the core of the tension I feel to find a partner - someone who could create some kind of stability within an ever changing world? I feel that is an inappropriate desire - or one that at the moment is powerful enough to be unhealthy. I'm glad I'm currently single so I can ask this question about JUST ME first.
*disclaimer* I should make sure and be clear here, although at 3 in the morning I'm feeling lonely, I am not generally lonely because the thing about nomads is that the communities we do build (temporary or not) are so powerfully intense that they not only sustain but they encourage and empower joyful, blessed living. *disclaimer ended*
Are you a 100 mile type? or a Nomad? How do you reconcile any tension you feel about your decision? How do you feel about your friends who are the other-type (than you are)? Is there a third way of being which I have not considered?
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
6:48AM - Fascinating Paradoxes
So... I was reviewing yesterday's entry "when I focus on MY..." and I was concerned. While there is quite a long continuum between gross-altruism, health and narcissism, I think that narcissism is generally BAD. And I think that my entry yesterday failed to make the connection between unhealthy narcissism and the healthy self-care which empowers appropriate engagement in community.
(1) Boundaries - this is the slowest lesson I'm learning in this time of depression-and-recovery. (a) Other people need their personal space and that space is not because they don't like me (b) I need personal space from all other people - there must be a holy/sacred/unique/secret place where only I and God are permitted in. (c) time can be a boundary. i.e. sometimes (or mine) a particular part of someone's like is appropriate to share, but not right now. Patience is a part of respecting other's boundaries (one that I currently SUCK at).
(2) Focus - in spending a few days honestly saying "what do I need/want" it is not a rejection of the community's needs, being or even desires. I am a woman for goodness sake and whether it is entirely all nurture or partly nature, I have been raised and naturally consider the good of the community to be just as or more important than my person-hood. Men, it is a radically different statement when a woman claims to be finally claiming space to be herself. I am not placing any judgment upon that, just stating an observation. (one which is backed up by feminist critique's of Erikson's developmental stages. Men experience the question of role-identity in adolescence and then begin to ask about intimacy/relationships, but women are brought up to seek intimacy before they explore their roles in society, so that their roles are socially-determined to be constructed around the intimacy with a self-sufficient partner) *Disclaimer: I am speaking in generalities, clearly there will be SIGNIFICANT individual deviations from the societal norm*
(3) Freedom - what is this? I don't mean the right to make my decisions that don't hurt other people. I mean the self-knowledge and safety to act in ways which can TRULY see other people and their needs because I am aware of my "lens." when you know that "objects in mirror are closer than they appear" you can learn to drive in ways which compensate for the optical-shift. (notice that I do not think this lens is a weakness, merely a way of being). Therefore, what I have done is open myself up to truly be open to other people in a more honest way. I can hear and see you with an awareness of who I am, so I am less likely to "tranfer" "project" or stupidly misinterpret your situations and feelings.
(4) Love. I am full of it. For my cat - who when I wake up in the morning comes bounding to my bed, purring as she leaps off the floor because I am awake and she can love-up-on-me (a phrase I've always used for the affection between animals and people) For my community who gather around the excuse of tacos and just being together in honest love! For my work - may God continue to use me. For life; and because I am now becoming a self-aware human being who actually HAS self-esteem, I have more to pour out in love - it's like a pitcher (today must be funny metaphor day) one can try and be a pitcher which conforms to the liquid in it and to the shape of the glasses you are trying to fill, but a pitcher will hold more water (or sweet tea) more effectively and reliably if the pitcher has a firm shape and lets the liquid conform to it! (love is the liquid - not other people). actually I like this metaphor because both the pitcher and the cup have to be shaped in corresponding ways - if one has a pitcher with a VERY wide brim and a glass with a VERY narrow rim, it will be almost impossible to poor water from the pitcher to the cup, it can be done, but uber-slowly and carefully. But if one has a pitcher well made with a precise little spout area... one can pour generously into almost any cups, but must remain cautious not to pour too quickly or enthusiastically. OK I'm done with the fun goofy metaphor.
That's all I have to say for today.
Monday, January 28, 2008
9:45AM
I realized something powerful today. Starting in November, months ago, my "heart-brokenness" transitioned and I have not been suffering/grieving over the loss of a romantic relationship. I have been grieving the loss of a friendship - one which I had believed transcended the romantic, but which I had read completely wrong. But I did not know that, so I merely castigated myself for still hurting and tried to solve my problems within myself (without actually knowing what I was working with).
Here's the deal: The person I thought sought friendship had different intentions from day one. That happens, communication fails, it is painful but real.
Now, however, I can claim what I lost, and what hurts the most - the betrayal and loss of a trusting, intimate friendship. Now that I understand my heart and my pain, I am going to take the space to grieve and forgive.
A friend asked me can "not caring" work? I don't think it can.
But when I focused on me, entirely upon MY needs and desires, I brought the liberating truth to the surface. And that which is named can be loved into healing. Honestly, it is easier that I do not live with or near the person who was involved. And if he/she holds true to pattern, the effort to contact me will be too great, and I will not interact with her/him for several months. That in an of itself is part of my sadness at some level - that the friendship was so unimportant (or so difficult?) that she/he did cease to make any effort which I could understand / perceive. (That last sentence is worded to acknowledge the possibility that there might have been great effort which I am blind to due to my pain).
C'est la vie. A little more wise, a little more pain, a lot more hope and understanding.
This is Goodness - to know one's self and to live in ways which bring about Hope.
Hope NOT easy-false-perfection. Hope. :-)
Sunday, January 27, 2008
5:38PM - Good day
So a good friend shared an amazing quotation with me today from Sue Monk Kidd's Book "When the Heart Waits":
"If I do decide to become a butterfly...what do I do?"
"Watch me," came the reply. "I'm making a cocoon. It looks like I'm hiding, I know, but a cocoon is no escape. It's an in-between house where the change takes place...During the change, it will seem...that nothing is happening, but the butterfly is already becoming. It just takes time." ~Trina Paulus (Hope for the Flowers)
I'm in an in-between house, a cocoon. And right now, I look like a dusty lumpy thing. I'm not ready to fly yet - but I am getting ready, slowly, silently, invisibly. And that is good - not just ok, but GOOD. it is Good to be preparing for something big, something beautiful, and new life.
Just give me time, God is not through with me yet. :-)
Friday, January 25, 2008
7:09AM - wow
This week, today, I have begun to come down a little from the frenetic energy of running a conference. I honestly did not even get to stop until yesterday and because of that I spent most of it on my couch; it was nice. I evidently needed the extra 6-8 hours of sleep, because I woke up this morning feeling more refreshed than I have in days and days.
It is interesting to discover my mortality in my moment-to-moment living. What I mean is that I have discovered my body needs sleep, rest and good nutrition, not simply as fuel to continue, but because these times of stopping are core to living. We should not be eating merely to head into the next time of work, but what if we can find ways to eat so that it is part of the joy of living. Sleep is the same way; I enjoy sleep immensely, and as my body rebelled last year and said "no more!" to my manic lifestyles and self-abusive neglect I have come to appreciate the 7-9 hours I spend in bed; though I am not conscious during them, I am aware of the goodness of rest. Rest which is good for its own sake, not simply because it empowers the next day's work. What a shock, a genuine shock for a recovering work-a-holic perfectionist.
Perfection; I will always wish for, strive for, fuss for that success which the cosmos has not reached. I am genuinely disappointed in God because children die in Africa of starvation and Chinese girls used to (sometimes still do) bind their feet until then are mutilated. I am furious because humanity tends to prefer exploitation and abuse to integrity and human engagement. I ask, how can a supposedly good or powerful God allow creation to experience such great pain? How can a loving God permit so many cries for help to go unanswered. Until this week, that was a question for which I demanded an answer, and because I demanded MY answer, I received none.
Do not be confused, I am still angry at God. I still wish for an answer to evil and suffering (two different things). I still wonder what trust to place in a God or a universe which is cruel or apathetic. However, I am now willing to be angry at God. To BE angry and disappointed at imperfection and at the impossibility of success. Because I have now befriended them, this anger, disappointment and discontent no longer subversively drive my life.
In the past while others recognized it, I always thought "I can't be a perfectionist, I get it wrong way to often." Yep, I honestly thought that. Ouch, right? In my mind, I failed often; therefore, I refused to name my goal. I refused to say, all my striving and wishing is for perfection. I did not grant myself the status to even honestly wish for perfection, I WAS NOT GOOD ENOUGH to even claim that I wanted to be perfect. And the worst part is, I confused perfect with good; because I wasn't perfect, I wasn't good. Because the world suffers and experience suffers, it was not perfect, therefore, it was not good. Because my body needed sleep and medicine and food and could not run a marathon, it was not perfect, and therefore, it was not good.
In giving myself permission to name this thing which I desire, I am liberated from it's bondage. Perfection no longer demands my deepest alliance. I am no longer thinking within myself "I am good only because I am striving for the only thing which is truly good, perfection"
No, perfection is not the Good.
Good exists. It bubbles up between two friends in a moment of affection which is marred by their mutual fears.
Good exists. It lounges in the form of a fuzzy cat who likes to claw me when we play.
Good exists. It is an intelligent young woman who pours out her energy to study, to plan conferences, to feed her friends, to read more books, to paint, to walk around town, to love... a Young woman who is overweight, who can't meet deadlines, who forgets important details and dates in her friend's lives, who used to yell, and who is now a little too much fond of crying, a bit of a scary driver because of her over-caution, no musical knowledge and no interest to fix that, passionate, kind, good eye for color, decent bread maker, great party planner.
Isn't it odd? Really, really odd how difficult it can be to live these beautiful, complex, imperfect GOOD lives we have been given?
and odd though it is, isn't it good? Good IN SPITE of our imperfections, Good BECAUSE OF our imperfections.
And so I begin to ponder. If I am not wrong to wish for perfection, if I give myself permission to be angry at God, if I do not wish to express my discontent and anger in violent and deconstructive ways, what response is full of integrity, will give-life, and will express my anger?
First, I will weep when the emotion is truly overwhelming. Medieval mystics claimed weeping as a spiritual gift; so to, I claim that my intensity of emotion is a gift. I will allow the Holy Spirit to express in my tears. Not always, professional meetings are not the place for weeping, not all worship-times are appropriate, but there are places and times – sometimes they are meetings or friendly conversations – when tears will express the fullness of my passion.
I will BE WITH in an unusual way. When I am with a person, healthy or sick, strong or weak, likeable or obnoxious, I will be present to them, to their personhood. Because God’s intangibility is central to my anger at God – that I feel so poignantly the absence of what could be a more powerful presence- that absence is for me an invitation to find the Divine in myself, in people around me, and in our sharing.
I will also BE WITH myself. Allow myself to live like the rest of the universe – imperfectly – and accept my limitations. Because I know it is not what I used to want, it might take time to truly accept the who-I-am-in-my-Good-imperfection, but over time, I hope to come to accept my imperfections as Good rather than as compromises.
I must struggle not to allow my discontent to rule my life; I must acknowledge it so that I can let it go.
This discontent is only a stepping stone
A stepping stone to hope for God’s presence in this place
stepping stone to knowing humanity is beautiful because we are not symmetrical
stepping stone to claiming to goodness of accepting help
stone to grab on to – to say “this is real”
This is good
This stone, this hope, this love is not perfect – do you see the abnormalities in the surface?
But this is GOOD.
Summary:
Perfection falls to the beauty of balance (imperfection)
Good is more real than bad
Violent anger subsides into hopeful discontent which both rests in reality, and works in love for Good.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
7:07AM
I got home and the split in my spirit-drum is wider – I’m pretty convinced that the universe is determined to teach me that perfection is not the goal, relationships and Goodness is. Now, I must learn to live with that reality – and learn to find in myself the grace to forgive God, myself, the universe and people around me for not being perfect. Rita Nackashima Brock say it is a righteous anger but that we (I) must get in touch with the healing, constructive side of anger, how can it be a power for rebuilding rather than merely a screaming voice in my head.
Sunday, January 6, 2008
1:45PM
yesterday someone did something nice for me, this isn't uncommon. In fact, I would say that my world is full of wonderfully generous and kind people; however I am a good person without their approval and that is a new enough reality in my life that I still remind myself of it, and enjoy the exclamation of freedom and self love that it brings.
Anyway, so yesterday someone did something amazingly nice. We were on a conference call and he not only acknowledged my work, but also suggested to the group that they reply to email I send - even if they don't have a real comment or answer, but just to confirm receipt. This suggestion is EXACTLY what I asked HIM to do when I send him a questioning email; a request i made over a month ago (and that he is 100% or close enough reliable about). I'm not sure anyone has ever been that thoughtful to me before. How blessed I am with friends and colleagues.
May I continue to work to be all my best, as they are. :=)
Saturday, December 22, 2007
10:53PM - still breathing
The light will come back, right? Today/yesterday was the winter solstice and technically it will start getting light again tomorrow, but it is generally not noticeable until Jan 6.
And this has been my best winter/December in a few years, but I must admit / acknowledge that it hasn't been perfect- I have been taking naps almost every day and I'm definitely struggling with motivation. I need to (haven't I said this before?) take a day and re-center. But here's the difference this time - I think over the last few summers when I felt restless and off-center it was a sense of lack of direction and identity. Today I look back over 2007 and have a VERY strong sense of who I am, where I am coming from, what my core values are, what my functional-skills are, and where I would like to end up. So what is the re-centering about this time? How to get there. I need to seriously chart how I'm going to handle the spring semester so it will be least stress, greatest learning. I need to consider how much I can seriously read in a year so I can prioritize and plan my reading list and my writing; I need to decide what needs to be accomplished, and what I'm willing to put on my 'could be, not essential' list.
my life is surface-level dull because all I'm really doing is work and writing. I'm very happy with that (because it's interspersed with fun movie nights with friends, hanging out etc). Oh and I LOVE working for Interfaith Youth Core; it really is one of the greatest organizations I've ever known. Not only because I support the mission, but more importantly because the work-environment is optimistic, team-oriented, yet demanding of excellence. So it's a place where great ideas are discussed, at a level of intelligence and yet were friendliness is normal.
that's really all I've got right now - one day at a time, right?
Saturday, December 8, 2007
8:06PM
It's been a while - or at least a few days; here's the interesting deal though - I'm better. but still in a strange place. I'll have a few really good days, weeks, or a few accomplishments and then I'll begin to believe that life is handle-able then I will have a crash - I'll miss my med one day, fail at something minor or some other little hiccup will occur and I will crash. But things have gotten so much smoother recently that I am feeling super hopeful;
So this fall, I chose to focus upon my therapy and self-growth and put time into healing and reflection rather than completing my Ph.D applications. therefore, I am going to take a year off - finish my M.Div and apply for programs next year. This has many advantages - first, that I'll have an entire year to write my writing sample and personal statement; I'll be able to plan my recommendations more fully and I'll have the time and energy to properly prepare. Finally, I'll have a year to breathe. I'm going to do something fun, something comfortable, something that will stretch me, but will not challenge me. I am not seeking a new experience, but a sabbatical. I have sought new experiences for at least the last 5 years, one might say for the last 7 and NOW is time to rest, to truly allow my soul to find itself again.
so yeah... life is interesting, and good.
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
8:49PM
SHE'S BACK SHE'S BACK SHE'S BACK
MY COMPUTER IS BETTER - THANK GOD!!
new motherboard, new DVD drive, all happy
I needed to fix a few things on the drivers for the DVD drive, but i'm watching a video RIGHT NOW from my DVD drive... thank God - it's been broken for a LONG TIME like since JULY. it's nice to have a computer back, and fully functional.
thank God
now, on to the 70 pages of papers...
Sunday, November 25, 2007
8:45PM
No computer yet. Allison generously lent me her computer while we watch Desperate Housewives. I'm totally overwhelmed and borderline panicking. I'm hoping to survive, but not sure I'm going to make it.
OK trying to be positive - internship is going swimmingly. classes make me happy, and I'm super excited about applying for PhD programs because I'm super excited about studyingy for a few more years. actually that is totally true.
so yeah. that's where i'm at - trying to keep my head above water.
Thursday, November 22, 2007
12:58PM
my computer is dead. i am sad. hopefully friday will bring resurrection.
Saturday, November 10, 2007
7:47AM
A Comment Posted on Eboo Patel's Washington Post Blog "On Faith:"
http://newsweek.washingtonpost.com/onfaith/eboo_patel/2007/11/rudy_and_pat_bff/all_comments.html
"As muslems, we hate all of our governments. As a concerned Christian, why dont you tell your great wonderful Western nations to stop putting us puppets in power. Need I remind you off all the puppets in the Middle East that the U.S. placed in power? If the puppet isnt a good enough of a dictator, crazy Islamists take over. As muslems and arabs, we are stuck between dictators sent to us by America, or Iran and other crazies. I am not sure how, but soon God willing our people will get off their butts and take these people out of the governments. Of course we all denounce Iran. I dont denounce their religion but all their politicians who are crazy. I also denounce Bush and his cronies. This doesnt mean I dont love america or Iran or Palestine or wherever. I dont hate Jews just because I am Palestinian. I dislike some of the Israelis policies. But i dont hate Jews.
Koran does not command murder. No religious book does. Poeple need to quit spreading lies. The bible isnt exactly a childs book either. We all have our faults. Just dont be a hater like these idiot politicans in every country want us to be."
you know - this is poorly written with plenty of misspellings (but then the post-er is probably not a native English speaker, so I am NOT criticizing) - but I must acknowledge the sad truth that I see in this post. Among all the rhetoric of international hatred, have we as Americans stopped and pondered what it would mean if we seriously considered that perhaps we don't need to run the world?
another post pointed out the racism inherent in American anti-Muslim rhetoric (this racism which manifest in late fall 2001 with the murders and hate crimes against Sikhs and Hindus because they LOOKED not-White)...
these huge systemic evils are radical institutional problems, yes but they are also seriously personal, individualistic problems which require the gentle and eventual transformation of millions (billions) of individuals... can we start teaching and loving in a way that invites our neighbors, sisters and brothers to love rather than hate? what can the church do to inspire love rather than hate?
and how much of our rhetoric of hate in quasi-christian-American culture comes from our doctrines of exclusivity of salvation in Christ? Aren't we called to reconsider, if doctrines of exclusive salvation in Christ HAVE in the past led to racism and crusades and hate, how can those doctrines be reconsidered/re-articulated in ways that actually witness to the abundant LOVE and commitment to mutual concern that are more congruent with the gospel themes of justice, concern for the marginalized and love?
just some thoughts for general consumption...
Friday, November 2, 2007
7:57AM
Just an update
Classes are overwhelming and I'm behind. I'm going to just work really hard over this month to catch up. my goal is to be caught up by Dec. 1. I know that sounds like a long time, but I'm a good two weeks behind. that's OK because I've spoken with professors and worked a schedule out to figure out how to do this work, learn this stuff and not be too far behind as we go. This way by Dec 1 I'll only have 2 or 3 papers left for the entire semester, plus my independent study paper. That will be fun.
Internship is wonderful. That's all there is to say about that.
Ph.D. applications and inquiries are coming along, slowly but surely. Pray for me!
My head / heart / mental health and psyche are getting better too. I have moved from just identifying the causes of my pains and neuroses to beginning to see how they are affecting my actions here and now (today). I have claimed how my wonderful parents - who were introverts while I am an extrovert - did a good enough job, but were more emotionally distant with me than would have been optimal. So I often struggle with connections because I found an inner child who so desperately needed affection. I have seen how that inner child refused to allow me to set up healthy boundaries; and how that made me into the kind of person who was WAY to friendly and too willing to go out of my way for people. This is why I would say stupid things like "I have no boundaries." And it's why I could be so mean while teasing other people - because I had no other way of expressing my anger or acknowledging the places where my boundaries had been crossed. I became passive aggressive in one or two little ways.
So I have begun to (1) intentionally love my "inner child" (2) give myself permission to feel hurt when people hurt me (3) establish personal boundaries gently and quickly. I have also learned through a messy and sad relationship situation of shared responsibility that relationships are hard, and that I cannot dictate my self-worth according to their success or failure; also I must take responsibility for how I act in relationship, but because I cannot control other people (not a problem, don't want to) I cannot feel responsible for when people hurt me. I can ONLY choose how I deal with my pain. And being honest with people when they hurt me, or at least setting boundaries so they stop hurting me is a great first step; (claiming that my need to set boundaries is NOT a weakness or character flaw is important too).
Therefore, I'm working on being self-loving and appropriately self-protective. And the next step will be to learn how to be this in a relationship BEFORE I get hurt instead of afterwards; that way the profound internal trauma will not be repeated, but I will only be appropriately connected to the people around me rather than depending upon them for my self-reality and self-worth. That's the best part of setting up boundaries - it means I have given myself the space to love me.
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