Brontis created a monster with these Disney clothes.
I saw this yesterday on Amazon and I nearly had what could be described as an aneurysm or at the very least insulin shock



Really?
REALLY????
I mean honestly, how am I supposed to live the rest of my life knowing that this costume exists and NOT having it. It's amazing!!!

I made Dana get online to look at it, and we exhanged an IM conversation that went something like this...

Me: Dana, she needs this!
Dana: She DOES need that!
Me: I'm glad you agree.
Dana: It's so cute.
Me: I want her to have it, like when we take her to an aquarium.
Dana: Or, when we take her to the grocery store.
Me: Or the grocery store!
Dana: Ha!
Me: I didn't even see you write that, great minds think like mine.
Me: Or how cute would it be if we took her to like, Red Lobster in that. The possibilities are endless!

I consulted a few experts - people who are not about to have kids. They agreed that while it is in fact cute, it's not mind numbing cute and I'm biased. I don't agree, but then again I'm biased. If you you stick your nose up against a "Sunday in the Park" by George Seurat, its just a bunch of dots, you have to step back to see the whole picture. Blah blah logic blah blah. I get that, but honestly, I don't care! It's cute.

I'm also willing to deal with the consequence that by dressing her like this she might become a Furry and spend time scriffin' in a plush tiger space pirate costume. Just so long as she doesn't bring this guy home for Thanksgiving...
and she steers clears of Real Dolls, and people who own Real Dolls.


I like how easily this one can be modified into a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Costume!



I can't, I'm at a loss.
NOTHING BAD COULD COME FROM THIS!


Also - unrelated - My I-tunes is stuck in the 90's today. If you don't believe me check out my lastFM site.
http://www.last.fm/user/golfshirt6

Book I'm Reading: In Hoboken
Last Movie Watched: Yakuza
Beverage: Tea

Dana and I have been saying for years that we need a new coffee table. I think I finally found one that I like. More than "wanting" it... I truly feel like we NEED it.



How cool is that?

I haven't updated in awhile because things have been really hectic and stressful for me.
I got a new job finally, thank god. I'm working at a medical diagonistic, reasearch and development lab. It's a scary scene at my job, because of the nature of the work there are crazy and extreme security measures. The whole building is divided into sectors and in order to move through the different sectors you have to first have clearance and then you have to go through various security checkpoints. Everytime I enter or leave my work station I have to get my palm scanned while punching in my security code. I have heard of companies (airlines post 9/11) that have similar electronic systems where their employees have to punch in and out. Where I work you have to do it for everything, even to access the bathroom. They told me it was an added security measure so they can know where everyone in the building is at all times, and so employees are only in the areas they have security clearance for. I am also not allowed to have an MP3 player or cellphone at the work stations. Employees have to leave them with one of the security desks around the building. There is also armed security guards that patrol the entire compound. It makes me wonder what they are guarding. The people who work in the work station next to mine all wear full Hazmat suits minus the helmets. I can't help but wonder what is going on in the rest of the building, the areas I don't have clearance to.

It makes me feel super paranoid and a little excited.
It's like working for S.H.E.I.L.D or in the Baxter Building.
I go into work hoping I will be bitten by a radioactive spider or bombarded with Gamma Radiation. Maybe they will let me be the guiena pig for some kind of super solider serum.
Whatever comic book, super powers thanks to lab accident gone awry accident I have waiting for me I'm excited for. Unless I find myself covered in big orange rocks because that seems like a pain in the ass - literally.

Mike also hooked me up with a writing gig, where I get to write about comics. I really appreciate the oppurtunity and I'm going to try to get a bunch of articles to him today. It feels good to have a project like, it makes me feel productive and motivated.

Dana and I still don't have a car. It's been since my birthday (March 30th). Its been rough on both of us not being able to get out of the house to do things. Even getting groceries has become an ordeal. The closest store is a deli that is a mile and a half from our house and the last time we tried to walk there Dana almost passed out because or the heat, her anemia and the baby. I got so nervous I'm pretty sure I lost five years off my life. We have been having to share Dawn's car, but it's tough to have three people share one car. Several times this week we have found ourselves sitting in the parking lot of Dawns gym while she squeezes in a workout after we pick her up from work.

I appreciate all the help Dawn has given us though or else I wouldn't have been able to take this job. That's not even mentioning the little day to day stuff like going to the grocery store, or faxing my resume, mailing my taxes, trips to the post office and Dr's appointments. She's been a huge help. Today is her birthday and I wanted to do something special for her (because all of her friends flaked on her) but I am totally broke right now. Beyond broke in fact, because I don't even have a credit card or crutches of that nature that people count on in times of crisis I don't know when my job is paying me.

It's actually been a little depressing. I can't leave my job site because of the security measures and all last week, I had to sit in the cafeteria during my break and I couldn't even afford to get myself a drink out of the vending machine. I had nothing to bring from home and I knew I had a few big baby related bills and unexpected vet bills that I had to pay so there just was not enough money to go around. I just sat alone in the corner of the cafeteria not knowing anyone, thirsty and depressed, texting people to take my mind off it. I'm lucky though because my mom stocked our freezer with Omaha steaks and stuff, and Dawn has been bringing us leftovers from her catering job so we are not going hungry. All the bills are paid this month - the rent, family's health insurance, the childbirth classes, our dula bill, cable, electric and the water bill and we have a stockpile of dog food. It's just the money for the "extras" is, well, gone. Dana and I figured it out though, and by the 11th of next month we should be back on our feet. It's just going to be a tough ride until then. In the meantime I'm trying to gather up stuff to sell on
E-bay for a little extra spending money or breathing room.

Also, the renovations on the house are going well, but we are not getting what we were promised which is frustrating. No closets or storage. No bathroom down there. No shelving for my comics (which was the thing I wanted most). Whatever, it's totally annoying and my parents are working against us, and causing all sorts of ridiculous drama. I'm so over it.

Between the quasi money crisis, home renovations, looking for a drummer, and lack of car it's been a depressing month.

I did have one truly great day though - the best day I have had in a long time. Mike, Kate and I went to Free Comic book day at Fourth World. It was the first time I had set foot in a comic book store in months and that alone felt amazing. It was like a cool wash of relaxation. We were only supposed to take three of four books but the guy let us take as many as we wanted, which was awesome. Then we went to White Castle where Mike brought us a Crave Case. We drove around listening to a mix of the Howard Stern show and random awesome music. Finally we went to cinema 16 and saw a showing or Ironman, which I thought was a lot of fun. I really liked Robert Downey Jr. as Tony Stark. Just when I thought the day couldn't possibly get any better Mike and Kate brought my favorite Artie Lange cupcakes for movie snacks! So AWESOME!!! It was seriously the best day I had in a long time and I have to really thank them both for getting me out of the house. It totally recharged my batteries. Oh, and I almost forgot, when they picked me up Kate had a HUGE bag of stuff for the baby. Toys, and clothes and an Imaginarium. It was all so flippin cute and so thoughtful. There was one onesie that was covered in Robots AND had a little stiched boombox. It was like it was made for my child. Kate also gave me this little cloth doll where the design came from a painting of a robot I gave to Mike a few years ago. It was so cool looking, it's going to be one of Lilian's first dolls.

Also, I don't know if you all read Dana's journal but yesterday we got a huge box of stuff from Disney online from Brontis. It was some kind of magical bottomless box of baby clothes that were all so flippin cute! Every last thing made my head want to explode. I'm serious when I say, the clothes didn't stop coming. It must have cost him a fortune. Thank you Brontis! That was so generous! It was totally the highlight of our week (like I said we don't get out much anymore). Also, I'm not sure which is cuter the clothes or the mental image I have of Brontis picking out all of these clothes for a baby girl. The mental image I have is totally adorable and makes my heart melt.

So in short -
Stress is bad.
Friends/Family are good.

afp3683 made my band an AWESOME flyer for our first show...






I love it, its totally perfect.

Can I just say, I'm also really touched by this random act of kindness that a virtual stranger extended towards me. The time and the energy and effort is totally appreciated. It reminds me that Live Journal is more than just a waste of time and a healthy outlet for my vouyerism.

Thank you so much Adam - You rock!

Speaking of Rock... let this flyer serve as a heads up to everyone in the Providence area we are coming to get you. Well, not really get you, but, we would really appreciate it if you came to our first show.
illyanadmc
bananasformusic
This means you..

Book I'm Reading: Alternadad
Last Movie Watched: Lars and the Real Girl
Beverage: Iced Tea.


You know who is awesome?
Dana.
You know why?
I'll tell you why.


So tonight, I left for band practice and left Dana home all alone for the night, with all the dogs in the middle of nowhere, without a car. I'm totally selfish right? But Dana didn't complain or make me feel bad about it at all.
So I go to practice and we rock - then we go out to get some drinks and some food after practice. So I drink my share of Electric Blue Lemonades, and Amber and I split MORE than our fair share of mini corn dogs, which were awesome by the way! Not even when Pete's nuclear strength wings seared a hole into our soul did we debate calling it a night. Now even after a full rendition of Amber's and my Eddie Vedder impression in the parking lot that lasted the ENTIRE length of the song Black...

So I come home, after a night of being selfish and see Dana and the dogs all curled up on the couch. I'm trying my best not to be obnoxious and drunk and disturb the whole house. I give Dana and the dogs a quick hello before I'm rushing to the bedroom to change, and when I open the door I see it...

- One brand new set of Egyptian cotton sheets.
- One huge box of my favorite tea.
- Pack of Coke in glass bottles (my all-time favorite anything, in the history of ever and It's not even Christmas!)
- Cloverfield on DVD

DANA RULES!!!!!!!!
She really is the best. She borrowed my sister car and tried to surprise me with stuff she knew I loved. Even though I was out being a selfish jerk she was still going out of her way to be really sweet to me.

Dear Dana,
Thanks for being so Awesome.
All my love,
Missy

THIS JUST IN!!!: I walked into the kitchen and saw my two favorite kind of pies on the counter!!!!

Dear Dana
You just became even more awesome!
All my love,
Missy

I'm so out of shape that I'm totally out of breath right now....because I just ran 3/4 of a block to catch the ice cream man.

I thought you would appreciate the irony.

Book I'm Reading: Mercury Under My Tongue
Beverage: Irish Tea
Last Movie Watched: Walk Hard: The Life of Dewey Cox
Quick Update of my life...

- My Birthday in 500 words or less...
85 percent of my birthday kicked ass. Amber, Rich Dana and I spent the weekend in Boston/Cambridge/Salem. We had so much fun doing uber nerdy things like touring the Mayflower II and Plymouth Rock and the Plymouth plantation (which made Amber lose her mind.) I had a large turkey lunch when in Plymouth, "When in Rome..." We went to Salem and got so see a bunch of cheesy wax museums (love wax museums) and goth girls who thought they were witches. It was as awesome as it sounds. I got six of the Amazing Spiderman comics I needed at Million Year Picnic in Cambridge and I bought about a million Kid Robot toys. I didn't get the one I wanted, which was sad and I pouted for literally hours. Amber and I discovered we do AWESOME... AWESOME.... AWESOME Eddie Vedder impressions. Dana loves our impressions. The last day of the trip we drove down to Providence to meet up with Mary. I wanted to do something on my Birthday that I had never done before so I ate a bug, on purpose, well two bugs, covered in chocolate. The worm tasted JUST like a Nestle's Crunch. The Cricket was way more disgusting because it was covered in white chocolate. Then we went to Spike's Hot Dogs. Rich tried to get on the wall but he couldn't get past four. It was my fault, I didn't warn him and he didn't "prepare" for the challenge. While we were at lunch, Brontis arrived at Spikes, it was really good to see him, even if the glory of his epic travel was momentarily eclipsed by Rich trying to choke down his fourth Hot Dog. I was really glad he came though. Then we tried to go to the most sketchy comic book store in the world. We thought we were going to die. For real. No wonder Mary had never heard of it. We did a little more shopping, I got more Kid Robot toys. Amber was the superstar of the day though because she bought me one Kid Robot toy and it totally would up being the one that I wanted.
We finished off the night by going to my favorite pizza place. I got awesome gifts. Brontis replaced my broken Deadpool statue, which was totally thoughtful and so appreciated. Laura got me Superhero's scene it. Amber and Rich totally broke the bank and bought me the brand new model Sirrus Stilletto. So AWESOME!!! Five times more expensive than they should have spent. It was a truly awesome gift though.

- The other 15 percent of my birthday sucked On the drive home our car blew up. Not really, but I like the way that sounds. It cost us close to $300 to take a cab home. That was two weeks ago and we won't have it back for another two weeks because part of the engine has to be replaced. It stinks because we aren't even in walking distance to anyplace. I think Dana and I are going to kill each other before we get the car back. We both have cabin fever to the extreme.

- I switched from coffee to tea. It's a "super broke" thing. My super expensive coffee pot is broken and I am broke so I can't afford to replace it. Plus drinking tea is so much cheaper than coffee. 20 cups for 99 cents as opposed to like 14 cups for five bucks. I'm trying to make sacrifices where I can. Lack of coffee is making me climb the walls.

- My mother ordered me six hundred dollars worth of meat from Omaha Steaks. I'm greateful to get it, and I'm glad I won't have to buy meat for the next six months. It was very generous of her but I wish she had given us the money to spend on something else like our electric bill. That's not how my mom operates. Right now my freezer is Jam packed with individually shrink wrapped meats and my stash of white castle burgers is on vacation in my sister's freezer.

- My mother also bought me my tickets to Wizard World Philly. I'm so excited and it's such a relief to have that out of the way. She wanted to order me the $1,000 Platinum package as a belated birthday present but I wouldn't let her spend that much. My dad couldn't believe how expensive tickets were and he insisted that he could find them cheaper online (idiot) - After a few hours he told my mother that he found a comic book convention in Michigan that was only five dollars to get it. He didn't understand why that wasn't the same thing.

- I really want Wendy's. It sucks not having a car or money.

- I had to have blood drawn the other day to check my Thyroid levels. I'm pretty sure the medication is not working. I am still tired and fatigued all the time.

- I made American Chop Suey this weekend. I used to get it all the time from Whole Foods and I have been craving it since we moved. It was pretty good, and even better the second time around. It only took 20 minuets to make and the ingredients cost me less than $7. I had enough left overs to last me the entire week. I have been eating it at least once or twice a day

- I think it's really stupid that they call it "American Chop Suey" because regular Chop Suey was invented in America.

- Chop Suey reminds me of that really god awful system of a down song. "WAKE UP!!!!"

- For the past two days Dana and I have been doing a lot of yard work. Since she is pregnant most of the manual labor has been left to me. Our lawn is awful because we have a lot of threes that are 100 plus years old and it looks like nobody has really attacked our landscaping in over sixty years. Our whole front yard is this elaborate hive of tree roots just one foot under the surface, making it nearly impossible to dig a hole. So its a matter of hacking, cutting, pulling twisting and chopping for a half hour just to get a single shovel of dirt out. It's a total nightmare but both Dana and I are committed to taking back the yard. Plus it's really good exercise.

- I feel totally exhausted because, I'm not used to exercising at all.

- Radio Drama's practices have been going well. I need to find the time and the way to practice more at home because it is proving to become increasingly difficult for us to get together more than once a week. This week we are practicing twice which is exciting.

- Porkchop gave me the cold shoulder yesterday and it put me in a bad mood all day.

- Not having a printer and a car is seriously effecting my life. My taxes are late and there are about a half a dozen job listings that ONLY accept faxed resumes. I also have to go to court to clear up my drivers license once and for all. There is this job that I really want with HEPA - It's a nice cushy Civil Service desk job 8-4 Monday thru Friday. Its got an awesome starting salary, full benefits, 401k and pension matching up to 10 percent. I also like that it's working for the state, which means paid vacation and sick days. I got screwed out of my weeks paid vacation at my last job.

- My lung capacity is still freakishly improved. I think I have super powered lungs now.

- My taste buds have also greatly increased. I couldn't finish a can of Spaghetti o's because they tasted too much like parmesan cheese. Dana yelled at me and told me that cheese has always been in it but I have never been able to taste it before, this time it tastes like it was doused in it. It was totally foul. Then the other day I was eating a red pepper and it tasted like soil. I asked Dana and she didn't taste it at all. I think my super powers are emerging.

- I was reintroduced to the mythology of a fast food place on Long Island that I have to finally try. It's supposed to be the stuff of legends. I want a travel companion though - a Louis to my Clark if you will.

- I want a new propane tank. All this meat makes me want to grill.

- I really don't have anything nice to say.

- I take that back, I do have something really nice to say! Yesterday we got a package addressed to us from Amazon and inside was a copy of American Idol Karaoke Revolutions encores from Brontis. It was such a nice surprise. Dana and I agreed to try to save it for our BBQ, but we said we might have crack it open in a cabin fever emergency. Thank you Brontis, it was very sweet of you!!!

- Now, I have nothing nice to say.

Just when I thought I couldn't possibly love George Takei anymore than I already did ...




This is from the show "Secret Talents of the Stars"... which totally explains this clip.

George's talent must be so secret he can't even share it on the show.

For those of you know me in real life I have an amazing and shocking fact to share...

I have not used my inhaler in over 36 hours.
I don't think I have gone a day without using my inhaler since I was ten years old.
I'm shocked and I don't know what to credit it to because I'm not on any new medication and I haven't cut anything out of my diet.

I just don't get it.

What makes it an even more amazing statistic is the fact that six weeks ago I went to the Dr. because I was in an asthmatic crisis. For the past few months I was going through an entire inhaler a week!!!!

That's 200 doses of albuterol a week -
That means I was using my inhaler about 28 times a day. That's more than once an hour.
That's lunacy experts say anything more than ten puffs a week means your asthma is out of control.
The Doctor was concerned about the long term strain my excessive use of the medication would put on my heart, but it was a catch 22 because without the constant use albuterol - I have a severe attack because I have chronic Bronchitis.

So, I don't know what the hell is going on with me this week, but I am happy about it.

ALSO - JOHN CHARLTON IF YOU ARE READING THIS I DON'T HAVE LONG DISTANCE ON MY PHONE. I'M NOT AVOIDING YOU OR NOT CALLING YOU! I LOST YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS OR ELSE I WOULD BE SENDING THIS TO YOU! DROP ME A LINE AND I'LL SEND YOU MY NUMBER.

Big doings at Radio Drama practice.
We tried out the new guitarist today...
She came, she rocked, she joined the band!

The second guitarist really filled out our sound. She was a quick study and we fell into a tight grove together. She also seemed like a really nice girl. We booked two four hour practices for next week, it's exciting how things are starting to fall into place.

We also have our first show!
Last weekend when we were in Providence we asked illyanadmc if she would come to our first show. She said she would try but it was kind of a long trip for her. Well bad news illyanadmc, there is absolutely not excuse for you to not be there because it turns out it is going to be in Providence!

Which, I guess means you kind of HAVE to come because, Amber and I don't know anyone besides you, Lizzy and Adam in Rhode Island.

I think it is very exciting that our first show is a road trip, even if the last time I drove through Rhode Island ate our car.

I was sad to learn about the passing of my second favorite gun enthusiast *


Rest in peace Chucky, rest in peace.

To honor him I am going to spend the entire morning watching the Planet of the Apes movies. I know he is only in the first one but I look for any excuse to watch these movies as often as possible.

I'm also sketching out a new painting. It has totally morphed from it's original concept but I like where it is going. I think it's funny and since nobody but Dana and I ever see my paintings I guess that is all that matters.

Band practice today from six to ten. I think we are auditioning our second guitarist? Maybe? If she gets back to me. The "late night" practice is going to suck for me because I am old but it sucks a billion times worst for Amber so I'm not going to complain. We haven't practiced in two weeks, I'm going to be so rusty it will be awful. I'm really excited to play though. April says she wrote a ton of new songs... It's going to be awesome.

Not having a car really sucks. Our fridge is empty and I'm hungry. Right now I'm eating freezer burned toaster strudels. Lame.

On the bright side at least my space shuttle and crew didn't crash land on a hostile and barbaric planet on November 25th 3978. That would suck. No wonder Charlton Heston was always so cranky.



* harryflashman is still my "top gun" so to speak

Today we found out we are having a baby girl!
I'm very excited. My one hope is that she still likes Comic books, video games, action figures and punk rock.
I'm confidant that between Brontis and I we will be able to teach her the ways of the force.

Like I said....



It's like having a crystal ball...

EDIT: THE SOLO!!!! MY GOD THE SOLO!!!! AMAZING!!!

I keep telling Phillip to stop licking my elbow but he is relentless. I think It's because he knows I'm sad. He knows that if I look down at this little face...



all of my problems seem to melt away.
He has my eyes....

Also Mike told me a few days ago that "Youth in Revolt" is getting turned into a movie!!! That has been one of our favorite books since we read it, back in like 1996 and we have always marveled at how unbelievable it is to us that MORE people don't love that book. It was something we bonded over and felt superior about. In fact I found a post where I had a little meltdown after using Amazon for the first time and discovered OTHER C.D. Payne books as you can see in this post I wrote in 2003 I do have to say its kind of a bittersweet moment for me because I always had this delusion that one day I would make a "Youth in Revolt" movie.

Ship has sailed.
Such is life.

The best part of the rumor though is that Michael Cera has signed on to play Nick Twisp!
I love Michael Cera! I love anyone who can do such an awesome cover of "The Guess Who"


Such feeling....


Then Mike hit me with a double whammy and told me that Michael Cera is also rumored to play Scott Pilgrim in the film version of the manga series. Double what what?

HOLY TYPE CASTING BATMAN!!!!!



Is Cera the only guy in Hollywood willing to play a geek?
I don't mind I'm just saying, he and Adam Brody must run the of the Geek-mafia.
They rule tinsel town with an iron slide rule.

For those of you who haven't read the first four Scott Pilgrim books do yourself the favor and go out and get them. They are some of the best books I have read in awhile.
Scott Pilgrims life is awesome!

He plays bass in a kick ass punk band.
He is the slacker supreme.
He has an awesome girlfriend.
He has super powers and gets to spend his days battling super villians?

In fact I can't be positive that Scott Pilgrim and I are not the same person.
At the very least he is BASED on me? Right?
I mean then the casting of Michael Cera makes sense, between this and Youth and Revolt I feel like Michael Cera doesn't just have a window into my soul, it's like he has a direct pipeline into my brain.
My life suddenly feels very "Being John Malkovitch"

Hey -

My band is in desperate need of a graphic designer or hobbiest. Someone who can help us out with a logo - we need it done like... yesterday. We know pretty much know what we want so we just need someone to put the pieces together.

We can't pay you much (if anything at all...) because we are all kind of broke right now.
We will give you props, promotion and anything you want in barter.
I'm pretty sure I can convince Amber or Pete to dole out sexual favors if that's what it takes.
Just tell them "Missy said you would "Insert whatever floats your boat" (Maybe it's even inserting a boat, I'm not going to judge.)

Please help us out - or forward our stuff to someone who can help us out.


Also in band news -

We finally have a new guitarist and she is all sorts of shades of Awesome!
Things are starting to click and happen and it feels amazing. I'm having so much fun at practice and I wake up with the songs in my head which is always a good sign. Very excited about everything that is happening on the band front. We also renamed the band - but that's another story for another day...

This post is for Dave - because he thinks its really funny when I get angry at the world.

Okay so I have kept this to myself for a few days because I really and truly in my heart of hearts thought that I would get over this. I should get over it. It's not that big of a deal. My rational mind knows it's not a big deal. However circumstances have unfolded that are gnawing away at my basic hunter gather instinct and I can't let this go. I blame my Id, my primitive mind - my "pleasure principal" my "I want it and "I want it now!"

That being said, have you ever wanted to punch a fast food worker in the throat? Just shake them until they lose control of their bladder? Have you ever wanted to take your order and cram it down their throat.


You know that scene, in I think Lethal Weapon 2 where Leo Getz bitches about drive thrus? I saw this when I was a kid and to me, there has never been a more accurate rant captured on celluloid. For those unfamiliar I found it on youtube. It's a well spent minuet and a half long parable.




It's true. They do! They always, always, always fuck you at the drive thru. In fact it happens so often I'm surprised that "Drive Thru" hasn't become slang for un-lubricated sodomy or something...

"Yeah, she wasn't cute, but I didn't have to look at her face, it was just a "Drive Thru".

Now, for those of you who don't know... I have a little bit of a cheese phobia. I hate cheese. I hate it when fast food places don't have just plain hamburgers on the menu (like Wendy's) so you have to order them with "No cheese" which is a concept that is completely beyond them. I can't tell you how many time I have gotten home to see my order fucked up. How many times I have had to turn around and go back (or a person getting me food) because they fuck it up and I open my burger and it's doused with cheese. Then my fries get cold. It's a mess. Or I check it at the window and see it has cheese, and then the people on line behind me are annoyed - because they can't wait two fucking minuets to get their food.

"I need my ass fat! ASAP!!!"

Then the people behind the counter have the gaul to act annoyed to.

"Bitch I said no cheese! I know I said No Cheese because I have said no cheese with every fucking burger order of my life. It's my Mantra. Because apparently simply saying "Hamburger" is not enough. Hamburger is like a code to you. It's like speaking Esperanza or Cantonese or English or some other fucking language you people don't fucking speak! So I have to be the redundant asshole screaming into a speaker box "Hamburger, Ketchup ONLY, NO CHEESE!!!" I'm saying three different ways I don't want cheese! I'm dropping three fucking clues to you people that I don't want cheese on my burger."

It's not just redundant. It's redundant redundant.
It's redundant redundant - and it's saying the same fucking thing!

And not for nothing, but if you work in a fast food place, 95 percent of the time burgers are your business. You should know the basics, like THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A HAMBURGER AND A CHEESEBURGER!!!! THE FACT THAT YOU DON'T MAKES ME A LITTLE HOMICIDAL!



And it's not just me, one time when my sister was picking up food they messed up the order twice. The second time she drove thru and smashed the burger against the window, cheese side up to illustrate her frustration. Then she calmly explained to the woman while still pressing the burger against the glass, that this was wrong, there should not be cheese on it. I don't blame my sister. She was driven to the brink of insanity.

All of these examples pale in comparison to the blazing idiocy we experienced this weekend at Taco Bell. It was the perfect storm of incompetence. Every single item we ordered - and we were a party of four was wrong. And not just a little wrong, as wrong as it could be, but not so wrong that we would think we got the wrong order.

Where we ordered only soft taco's we got only hard.
We ordered diet soda's and got regular.
My Mountain Dew turned into a Sierra Mist.
Chicken taco's with no cheese were chicken tacos with cheese (blood boils)
My father's bean burrito was forgotten.
My sister's Taco Salad was put in the bag Upside down, with the lid loose!
There were only "Fire" sauces in the bag, despite ordering "Mild"
There were no straws....

It was the ultimate fuck you to the customer. A thing of beauty for them really. They must have felt like the 69 Mets or the 1980 Olympic Hockey team. It was one for the record books. The receipt was perfect as well, so you know that it had to be in part and act of passive aggression

My father was livid. He was grabbed all the food and rushed out and drove the 4 miles back to Toxic Hell. He asked to speak to a manager because he said to the woman,
"This goes beyond a problem that you can handle."

My father has been an Elementary School Principal for the past 25 years. He has, when required the patience of a saint. However - he also has the ability to dress you down and make you feel like you are five years old in under a minuet. My father sat him down in a booth, and went through item by item on the reciept asking the manager to read it aloud and then showing him just how the item was wrong, as though we was in the second grade. Until the manager was truly embarrassed.

Then my father told him that this was a matter that could not simply be corrected by giving us back our money or replacing our food. It wasted our time, and the only thing a fast food restaurant can offer it's patrons is convenience. I would have loved to heard my father's lecture. Or been there as he stood over this manager while he sat in a booth got scolded. Then my father said,

"The next time you mess up an order you should drive the replacement to your customer."
The manager laughed and my father said...
"That seems ridiculous to you? Doesn't it? A waste of your time? Well guess what, it's a waste of my time too and I'm not collecting a paycheck from your corporation so why should I do it to cover up for your Incompetence? Maybe if your employees were held more accountable for their mistakes, and they would make less of them. I don't want to tell you how to do your job, but maybe I have to."

BURN!!!!!

We got a replacement order, and the manager told my dad that it was not their policy to give money back, but what he could do was give my father a voucher for two free large value meals the next time he came in.

So a few days go by, and I'm craving chicken soft tacos again and my father offers to go and pick up taco bell for me when he's done with his chores. Dana doesn't want anything, so he decides to get two identical value meals so I can heat one up the next day. Sounds perfect.

Chicken soft tacos, NO CHEESE, plus tomatoes.
He explains to the lady why we have the voucher. He talks to the same manager who apologizes to him again.
They fill his order and he drives it the four miles home and drops it off to me.
I open them up....

Beef Tacos... covered in cheese.

What do you do at this point?

Besides go Medieval on their asses...

I know in the past few weeks I may have been pulling for a boy...
Not even pulling, just feeling pretty positive it was a boy.

However!

This video has totally melted my heart



Now, I think I want a girl.
More specifically THIS girl.
I really hope Brontis's nerdiest DNA wins out.

Nerd Sperm = Tie Fighter
Egg = Death Star
Missy = Super happy

Dear Brontis,
Hope you are okay with me talking about nerd sperm.
I'm sure most of your sperm is not at all nerdy.
(I'm just hoping some of the faster ones are)
Love,
Missy

I woke up at 5:30 this morning to get to Quest Diagnostic to get my blood work done first thing in the morning.
I thought I was being smart and beating the crowd, but that place was packed. It was like night of the living dead. Old people, sleeping people, people drinking brightly colored chemicals, and people who were super uncomfortable because they had to hold it in and wait for a catch cup for their "first of the morning urine sample"

My veins are pretty hard to find and I know this - so I just tried to relax while they dug around trying to find it. They apologized but I told them not to worry I'm used to it. I try to be a good patient because I have been in their shoes and I know three quarters of the people they encounter in the day are big babies.

Then I had to rush over to my second Dr.'s appointment of the day - thank god for early morning hours. That was was pretty unproductive. Just a quick exam and a lot of questions. Nothing much can be done before the blood work comes back. They just wanted to start a chart.

I have to go to the Asthma clinic and the dermatologist next week after they get back the results from all the tests and lab work I had done yesterday. Having insurance has been a lot of fun so far and it's only been in effect for nine hours!

Woot!

Then my father and I ran to stop and shop to get upholstery cleaner and "breakfast."
I dropped off some breakfast for Dana and two half pies (one Peach one Strawberry Rhubarb) because those are her favorite. I'm at my sisters house now, waiting to talk to someone from the energy company about our oil delivery. Then I have to track down someone at the DMV about these tickets that are hammering my licenese. I need to get that taken care of today if I can. I also have to call Sears so they don't come and install another new furnace. Gah -reat.

My Father is out filling half a dozen Rx's for me. Then I sent him on a mission to get Bananas for Dana because she has leg cramps.


Inch by inch I will get through this day.

I'm waiting for the fuel company to call me back so I can get the cash I need on hand for the fuel delivery. I'm drinking a low fat latte and eating a blackberry butterfly danish - this first thing I have eaten in 14 hours.

$3.40 cents per gallon for oil x 100 gallons
Ouch. What are you going to do though? Our tank is bone dry.

Inch by inch.

So this post got interupted by some mini Drah-maz.
I had to rush home to clean up a little bit before the workmen came to fix the shower. He ripped out the shower doors, and the entire metal frame. Then when he tried to install the new shower rod he showed me that the tiles underneath were all cracked, crumbling and turning to dust. It's going to be too expensive to re-tile the entire tub because that would require replacing the dry wall behind it. Instead we are getting a new vinyl shower kit to install. The workman is going to come by next week to install that and rip up the germ farm we call a carpet and install some laminate. I'm excited about that. No more stink-fest carpeting! Dana and I have been dreaming of this day since we moved in. So right now I'm waiting on my Father to get back so he can take me to Lowe's to pick out the shower kit and flooring.

I'm exhausted and I just want to relax in my PJ's and maybe take a nap. Too much stress. I want to sleep until dinner time. My Dad is taking s out to our favorite Thai place for dinner. Very exciting.

I hope we play some rock songs tomorrow. I need to blow off steam. I need to take my mind off stuff.

So I just answered the phone thinking that it was one of the jobs calling me back. It wasn't. It was a creditor. Now, I know they are doing their job, but sometimes they go a little over the top and get nasty. That's when normally mild mannered Missy snaps.

Once a few years ago a Dana had a certain creditor named "Dani" harassing her. He was an Indian "Gentleman" who had a tendency to get nasty and he really upset Dana. He even made her cry once. Finally I had enough and when he called I answered the phone. He was then a dumb ass who got nasty with me I snapped. Why get nasty with me? I don't owe you money! How could this approach ever benefit you? Are you that shitty at your job? So I started to sing to the tune of "Old Macdonald Had A Farm"

"I don't have to talk to you - doo dah!
Doo - Dah!
Out sourced Motherfucker get a real job!
Doo - Dah!
Doo - Dah!"

This went on for awhile, it had several verses because I was determined to make him hang up. By the end it had Dana and Wick on the floor with tears of laughter. Wick towards the end was screaming Doo - Dah! Doo Dah!
From across the room. Then it became our personal goal in the house to torture Dani everytime he called. For example one time Wick answered the phone and knew it was Dani and said..
"Whose calling?"
and Dani said "A friend."
"Really because I know all of Dana's friends. What's your name?"
"John."
"Dana doesn't have a friend named John. Is this Dani?"

Dani hung up.

Now, I know they are just doing their job. However this guy was really nasty and rude. Dana was already on a payment plan and he was calling because he wanted more money. We were struggling under a 3,300 dollar a month mortgage and were paying everything we could. You can do your job and not be rude and harass people

Today I was too sick and stressed to deal with them. I guess I still owe Cablevision of Hoboken a few hundred dollars. It's news to me. I haven't seen a bill since I moved. I know that's not an excuse I should know these things but - bills have a tendency to "get away" from me. I know this, so I tend to be really nice with these people when they call and set up payments A.S.A.P. I was very upfront with her. I told her I was not currently working, but I was looking for work and I hoped in a few weeks I would have some money to pay them.

Can't get blood from a stone right?
Wrong.

So this woman gets really nasty and goes.
" Well I called the other day on the 20th at 8pm and a gentleman told me that she was out of town for a few days."

Okay so that "gentleman" was me.
Her first mistake was calling me during American Idol. My mother's head could be on fire and I wouldn't take her call during American Idol. So rather than go through the whole rig-a-ma-roll of "I have no money" and the subsequent lecture I just told her "She's out of town." so I could get back to American Idol.

"I don't live with a Gentleman so I don't know who you spoke to but I was out of town for a few days." I said still not seeing her point.

Then she flipped her bitch switch.
"Well quite frankly I don't know who you think you are ma'am. Going away on vacation when you owe Cablevison $250. You should pay off your debts before you go off galavanting for a little R&R."

Then my bitch switch snapped. How dare she make an assumption.
Truth is I DIDN'T go on vacation. I just didn't want to talk to her during American Idol. Things do happen in people's live though. People lose jobs. People fall on hard times. People get stressed about that. They don't need people, total strangers telling them that they are bad people because of it. She has no idea why I went "out of town" for a few days (even though I didn't) I may have been out of town on a job interview. Or maybe I was...

"Excuse me Ma'am. I don't know who you think YOU are. How dare you critize me or make assumption about my life. I was out of town because my brother died in a horriable car accident."

So now I'm yelling and acting really offended.

" I understand you think you are doing your job but you shouldn't make assumptions about peoples lives or be so callous and insensitive. I understand you are upset that I owe Cablevision $250 but sometimes real life steps in the way of a past due cable bill. Assuming I did have a spare $300 and I chose to spend the money to "take a vacation to my brothers funeral." I don't feel bad. I think that burying my brother takes presidence over a cable bill. Which by the way I didn't pay for, my family flew me out of town. Not that is any of your business! How. Dare. You."

I know, I know, I'm going to hell.

She got very flustered and apologized. Then she said she felt really bad about all of this and I was right she should not have made any assumptions. She then said she felt just awful and would make a notation on my account and "hold it off my credit report" for a few months until I am able to get back on my feet due to a "death in the family". I don't even think she can do that, but whatever. SHE won't be calling me back anytime soon. Then she rushed me off the phone, probably so I wouldn't ask for her name and report her. Which is fine by me. If it had escalated I may have had I might have had to turn him into a fallen war hero whose car accident was his "Hum-vee" driving over a land-mine.

Thank god for imaginary dead brothers!
I know I should feel bad or embarrassed by this but I don't.
She was totally rude and thank god she made this mistake with me and not somebody who was really going through that. There is no need to kick a person when they are down.

It's a win for deadbeats everywhere!

I was feeling worn out and a little sick yesterday after my jet set weekend in Washington D.C. (which I will write about later) I was miserable and wheezy all day. Dana gave me a Celestone injection and tricked me into liking the show 24. Finally at around six o'clock I decided to take some allergy medication and catch a quick power-nap before walking over to my sister's house to watch American Idol.

I was in the middle of one of those cozy cold medicine induced dreams. The kind that are so deep you feel like you are floating, when all of a sudden, it was invaded by a scream that sounded like a record scratch...

"Missy! There is a bat in the house!"

So, I'm pretty sure I'm still dreaming. A bat in the house? How is that possible? We don't have a bat..

"MISSY!!!!"

So I slowly open my eyes, convinced I'm still dreaming... and then I see this brown RAT flying around my living room diving and swooping. Now, I don't know if it was the cold medicine or if years of smoking pot have dulled my neural impulses because my fight or flight reflex was greatly delayed. My could actually feel my thought process speed up like and automatic engine slowly shifting through gears...

"That's so weird, why aren't the dogs barking at the OH MY FUCKING GOD THERE IS A BAT IN MY HOUSE!!! RABIES! RABIES!"

And I went from laying in the couch in the supine position to vaulting over the back of the couch and dashing into the kitchen waving the pillow over my head screaming.
"Rabies! Rabies!"

It reminded me of that scene in Goonies when Martha Plimpton said

"Um Bran, god put that rock there for a reason and I don't think we should move it..."
"Then 15 seconds later she too is screaming "Rabies!" funny how things come full circle.

So we are watching the bat circle over head for a few minuets. And we went over our plan of attack, before realizing - we had no fucking plan. Dana decided she should get all the dogs (who were frozen in fear and pretending they didn't see it into the bedroom. They went willingly. There were no games of "Where's Ruby" they all took their marching orders ASAP.

Except for Elliot, who I think felt a little vindicated, after years of chasing shadows it was as though he was saying
"Wait you guys see this one too? I told you I wasn't crazy!"

He followed me to the back door - and I was hoping he, the bat, would fly out the missing screen.
Dana in the meantime had escaped into the bedroom with the dogs. Dana was screaming at me from the bedroom to hit it with a broom but I couldn't because...

1) It might make him angry.
2) Then what was I supposed to do with it?

So I called Amber for advice but she was pretty drunk and just found the whole thing hilarious. She told me to get a garlic and a crucifix.

Thanks Amber!

So Dana had the brilliant plan of
"Lets leave the dogs in the bedroom and go to Dawn's house now."
Then what? Have a pet bat?

But we hadn't seen the bat in a few minuets so I thought maybe it found it's way out the back door with the missing screen. I figured I better check the house one last time. I opened the pocket door that separates the front room from the living room and Dana was yelling "Why are you going in there? That door is closed he can't get through that crac...."

"WHAM!!!!"

THE BAT FLEW RIGHT INTO MY CHEST!!!
AREN'T THOSE THINGS SUPPOSED TO HAVE RADAR?
Or sonar or something that prevents them from flying INTO things.
Which means this bat was on the attack!
Which meant I now had either rabies or I was about to become a fucking vampire.

So I look and I see the Bat is now laying on the ground stunned.
It's big hairy back heaving with fear.
Dana is screaming a