Green tea ice cream is amazing.

"Good luck on the new job."

That's all I really had left to say. How sad. If we never speak again that's the last I'll have said to you.

So I should update this thing. It can't all be book quotes and emo letters to people I secretly hate. So much has gone on in my life and yet these things are so minuscule. Where to start...

I guess the most significant thing is that I quit my job. Or at least I took the summer off. This happened for a number of reasons. The most obvious being that I wasn't really happy working there anymore. I was also incredibly sick of working nights. My body was rejecting the schedule and I found myself missing shifts in favor of sleeping. It was getting hard waking up at 8 AM and having to work 8 hours when 11 PM rolled around. My attendance became pretty awful and I decided it was no longer fair to my employers for me to just keep missing shifts. So I handed in my notice and said goodbye. I admit it was a poor decision to quit a job that paid well before I had another job lined up. But to be honest, I'd become quite depressed at the time and was more concerned with spending my days in bed than going to a job each night. Now that the cloud is starting to lift, some part of me regrets leaving. The slacker in me loves it but the wants-to-be-responsible person in me hates spending the days being unproductive. One part of me wants to just enjoy having the summer off. Another part of me feels lost. I left on good terms and I can go back if they'll rehire me. But I refuse to work night shifts ever again. Actually sleeping at night has become an act that I truly cherish. The days feel longer and I sleep much better. It's nice to have a proper circadian rhythm again.

My brother moved back in. I'm not exactly sure of the reasons. I would assume it's financial given he's over $3000 in debt, but I was told his living situation fucked up and he had to move out. If you know me then you know that my brother and I do not get along. It's become a fact that I've accepted. I've always been willing to compromise and he hasn't. He's very set in his ways and dealing with him is difficult. That said, I'm making an effort to get along with him. This basically amounts to me not calling him on his shit. He's lazy, irresponsible, disrespectful, and kind of disgusting, but getting along with him means allowing him to be this way. The positive to him living here is that I can now play his Playstation 3 and watch Blu-ray movies. The nerd in me is very happy about that.

Having time off work has allowed me to be productive when I actually feel like it. This includes finally getting my learner's permit. So it took a year long than I intended, but I'm glad to have it. I can now operate a vehicle as long as a licensed driver is in the passenger's seat. I have yet to actually do this. I have a strong interest in driving but the actual act is something I haven't worked up the courage to do. I'm convinced I'll be the worst driver in the world. It doesn't help that I have a reoccurring dream where I'm driving and can't control the car.

Another thing I've dedicated myself to doing is getting back on track with my fitness and nutrition. This includes doing cardio everyday and tracking my nutrition very closely. I haven't reached the point of Amy Jo Johnson in Perfect Body yet, but I'm pretty sure I'm a head of lettuce away from becoming Andie Bradley. In all seriousness, I'm not starving myself. The entire process is actually quite easy. It's also teaching me some disclipline and resistance. The last time I was serious about weight loss I was pretty miserable. Successful but miserable. This time I'm much more positive. Hopefully I'll be able to pull an Anna Nicole Smith and start slurring "like my body?" to random strangers. Oh how I miss that woman.

Perhaps my most exciting and pleasurable experience of my summer was seeing Ani DiFranco in concert last Monday. I wasn't concerned with the fact that the tickets were expensive, that I had an extra ticket I couldn't even give away, that I spent $58 on merchandise or that I put much effort in to how I looked that night for the benefit of no one because the concert was awesome. I was eight rows from the front and I couldn't believe how close she was to me. It also helps that she played two of my favorite songs EVER: Swan Dive and You Had Time. Perhaps my opinion is swayed by the fact that it was my first time seeing her in concert, but she seemed to really be on fire that night. She was great, her band was great, the entire thing was great. It ended way too quickly and I want to do it over and over again.

So it's been a pretty uneventful summer for me thus far. I hadn't planned for it to be, that's for sure. I think I'm just waiting for something big to happen. My life definitely feels like it's on pause, but then hasn't it always been? I can't recall a time I didn't feel like this. I'm starting to think I'm not cut out to be a normal person and that I'll always have different priorities in my life. Who knows? Maybe I could actually be happy.

"If there were a map of the solar system but instead of stars it showed people and their degrees of separation, my star would be the one you'd have to travel the most light years from to get to his. You would die getting to him." - Majesty, Miranda July

Sometimes I don't like the person I am when I'm around you. I keep having these moments, when we're together, where I realize we can't truly be friends. And I want us to...sometimes.

I check your LiveJournal more often than anyone should. Especially for a complete stranger. But you intrigue me. Sometimes I think I should tell you anonymously how I feel. Just so you know someone thinks about you.

You inspire me to be a better person. You make me realize that my desires are so superficial. You're helping me find it. Whatever that 'it' is.

That night when I walked home after we got drunk at your place, I felt pretty awful about myself. I don't think you're supposed to feel that way after a night out with your friends. I just wanted to feel a connection with someone. But I sat there, acting like a different version of myself, thinking about how this wasn't what I wanted. Sometimes I think you need to experience something to realize it's not what you need.

Would you care if I left? If I gave myself another chance to try again. I keep making the same mistakes over and over again, but I need to have faith that I'll get it right one of these tries.

I went to West Edmonton Mall with the BFF and her BF on Friday. It was fun. A bit of a mixed bag, but definitely more positive than negative. I both love and hate West Edmonton Mall. Love it because of its size (so many stores!) and the amount of fun you can possibly have. But I hate it because I can feel so mobbed by the energy. It's crawling with hot people who look and dress so much better than me. I hate that I want to be those people and I hate that I let such superficial crap like that affect me so much.

I spend way more money than anybody really should, but we also did a lot. I think I've been kind of hard on BFF and her BF lately. Not necessarily hard on them in person, although I have a really bad habit of giving the BF a rough time, but just hard on them in my mind. I worry I'm too judgmental, that maybe I let my own feelings get in the way of being objective when I think of people. They did a pretty good job of letting me feel included, especially since I can be such a third-wheel in these situations. But then they get into their lovey-dovey couple crap and I kind of want to kill myself. But whatever. I guess they're good for each other. I think I'm mostly glad I went because I've really misjudged him. I still don't entirely trust him, but I'm getting closer to thinking they might have a chance.

With all the extra time on my hands recently I've been thinking more than ever about what I want. It sort of plagues my mind at most times. I think about what I want to do with my life. I think about the kind of person I want to be. I think about the kind of people I want in my life and the kind of people I don't want in my life. It's all a jumbled mess, though, because I don't know what I want. I don't know what kind of person I want to be. I don't really know which people I want in my life and which I don't. I feel like I need to experience these things to realize whether I want it or not. All I really know is that I'm kind of unhappy with the way things are right now.

I need to find my niche. Soon.

I'm surprised to be saying this, but the costumes for the Watchmen movie look a bit too modern for my taste. This movie could be a total nightmare, starting with the fact that it's being directed by Zack Snyder (ugh!) but I know I'll see it anyway.

In other news, I got a raise at work! Then I turned around and requested to switch to part-time. I bet they loved that. So Wal-Mart now controls my life two days less a week. I'm looking forward to this extra time off. I'm not looking forward to less money. What will I do with this extra time? Find a new job? Finally learn to drive? Move out? Fall in love? All of the above?

I'm currently on vacation from work. Instead of actually going somewhere, like normal people do, I'm spending the next 8 days holed up in my room catching up on two seasons of Big Love and finally getting around to watching Tin Man.

I got the chance to see Sweeney Todd last night. I can't say I loved it as much as I wanted to, but it was pretty damn great. It's relentlessly dark and morbid and therefore awesome. Helena Bonham Carter is absolute perfection and she steals every scene she's in.

Joss Whedon Returns to Television

Zomg. ZOH MY GOD.

Staying home to watch Jurassic Park and read Watchmen is a legitimate reason to skip work, yes?

A Density of Souls by Christopher Rice is perhaps the most ridiculous book I've ever read. And I've read the entire Sweet Valley High series. Okay, not really. But this book is atrocious. It's horribly written. It's absolutely lunatic. But it's also kind of awesome and enthralling. I read it in 4 days, which isn't long for its 280-page length, I realize, but I think it's a credit to my dedication given how little time I have these days. Especially when it comes to reading. It's hard to find the words to even write about this book because it is so insane. I mean, I guess at its core it's a trashy thriller. So its plot twists (and god, there are many) and illogical events and hilariously bad dialog and countless moments of cheesiness are to be expected. But I was in the mindset of the book just being a straight drama, which had me unprepared. You guys need to read it just so we can discuss how bad it is.

One thing I like about Winter is how quickly it gets dark. But it's still Fall. An hour ago there was enough sun to light this room. Now it's black outside and I'm sitting at my computer listening to music and reading LJs. It's kind of perfect and I kind of don't want it to end. But I have work tonight. I have to return to that soul-crushing place that has become so mind-numbingly boring that I'm starting to wish I was unemployed again. A free schedule is something I definitely miss. There's not enough time for anyone anymore, it seems.

BFF is on vacation for two weeks to go meet some guy she met on the internet. Or visit a friend. Or do both. Whatever. Work is horrible without her. But I made a new friend. She's a nerd like me. She thinks BFF and I are a couple. Because I lied to her.

I guess I could leave.

My world would be a better place with you in it.

I'm applying for some jobs today, which means I need to flesh out my resume and lie through my teeth if I'm called back for an interview. I can't work Sundays because I'm Catholic and have church that day (LIE!), I left my last job abruptly because of a death in the family and spent the following few months dealing with issues related to his estate (LIE!), the special skills listed on my resume are all true (LIE!), I'm a hard-worker (semi-LIE!), I'm a people-person (LIE!), I've spent the last few months self-employed with a somewhat successful website (LIE!). So we'll see how that goes.

The hilarious part is that where I'm applying is literally next door to my old job, which is a place I vow never to step in again. Maybe I'll run into former co-workers in the parking lot. Oh God, the horror.

Charles Nelson Reilly dead

I am so upset!

Oh Lost, you disappoint me. I avoid Lost spoilers like a plague because, really, what would Lost be without its surprise twists? About half as fun. The only thing I knew about tonight's two hour finale was the number of deaths (which turned out to be true) and that there would be a "game-changing twist". I figured out the twist within the first 2 minutes and I really, really wish I hadn't. I wanted to be absolutely floored by the finale and I wasn't, despite a few red herrings leading me to believe that perhaps my theory was incorrect. Still, it was a huge revelation about the fate of some of these characters. I'm satisfied with the answers we've been getting.

No more Lost until February 2008?



I'm with you, Sun. This wait is going to suck.

Through the genius invention that is YouTube, which I'm still not tired of, I've been rediscovering American Idol hilarity. I know this aired months ago, but somehow I'd forgotten just how awesome Darwin Reedy truly is:



I could listen to "but people call me Misha" on an endless loop for the rest of my life. I mean, is that not the most bizarre thing you've ever seen? The hair, the horribly applied lipstick, the teeth, the clothing, the robotic voice, the way she applies her numbered sticker, her equally bizarre mother who is the closest a human can possibly come to looking like Jar Jar Binks, the way she describes her look as "sexy", her Simon Cowell/American Idol inspired novella co-written by above mentioned mother - it's all so... weird. I say this not because I find it all so incredibly amusing but because I actually have a great admiration for it. On the list of things I truly love Darwin Reedy would be near the top. I want to be best friends with her. I sort of want to be her. Anyone that insane and delusional probably has an awesome life full of endless good times.

Misha, I hope to read your novella one day.

You know who I love? Todd Oldham.



Sadly, I'm unable to watch Top Design or Todd Oldham's Handmade Modern because I live in Canada where both of these shows are currently unavailable. Sad face emoticon! I did scour YouTube, however, and found a few clips of my dear Todd, including decoupaging with Amy Sedaris and making string art with Elizabeth Berkley while discussing Showgirls. These were clearly made as an effort to get my attention and make me fall in love with The Oldham. And you know what? It worked.

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

I am cracking up.