| READ THIS! To everyone (in shreveport) |
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| 03:52am 07/09/2004 |
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I will be leaving Shreveport in about two hours. Two hours. Depending of course on how long it takes to pack my stuff while keeping my dad from yelling too much.
I've come to realize something this past week after having to say goodbye to so many people. I've been preoccupied with how much I hate this city, and I'm so glad to be leaving it... But it didn't hit me how much all my friends here mean to me until I had to say goodbye. As most of you know, I am a bit of a social retard, and if it weren't for each and every one of you then I would be a lot worse off than I am. Each of you has added so much to my life, I love all of you so much. I wish more than anything that all of you would pack up and move up here with me. You are the most wonderful people I've ever met. These words will never come close to conveying exactly how much all of you mean to me. I will miss you so much.
I'm getting a cell phone soon, I'll post the number. Also, I've started a new journal, I'm going to retire the name GoatRaver and leave it as my louisiana journal. I barely remember the joke behind the name anyway. I do know it was very funny... anyway my new journal is ![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) kommienesuzpadt. I was very excited that name hadn't been used yet. Add it to your friends list! Unless you hate me.
Now I need to finish packing. That's right. It is past 4 in the morning, I leave at 6 in the morning. And I'm not done packing yet.
I love all of you. |
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| Soon |
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| 02:18am 05/09/2004 |
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This week has been hard on me. I've either been doing too much or not enough. I could never find my happy medium. I must only have a sad, pessimistic one. My luck of course.
I'm really tired... I've kind of perpetually been tired for the past three or four days. I hate the duality of feelings this move is causing. I'm glad to be going, sad to be leaving.
I think I've seen just about everyone I knew from high school in the past two days.
I ordered my glasses, they'll have to be shipped to me in Chicago though since I didn't order them in time.
I got a late graduation check in the mail. I bought Medulla by Bjork which is almost indescribably amazing and Neon Golden by the Notwist which is pretty good. They sample a bit of music by Michael Nyman, which is never a bad thing.
I hate saying goodbye... but I still have my family to go through. The next two days will be the roughest I think. My sisters pleaded with me to go to church with them tomorrow. it really upset me... it seems that church is more important to them than I am. I probably will go. Guilt is the way we subconsciously work for and against people in my family. I'm just a little worried that they put in a prayer request for the pastor to pray for me in front of the entire congregation before I go.
I'm sick of being here. But I am going to miss everyone so terribly much.
Two days left here. |
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| Damn. |
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| 10:29am 02/09/2004 |
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I'm going today to pick out a pair of glasses, though I doubt I'll be able to pick them up before I leave. So I'm not sure how that's going to work... I still can barely believe that soon I'll be wearing glasses all the time. At least the headaches will go away.
I went to the dentist yesterday and discovered I had a cavity! And because I'm leaving so soon, they had to schedule an appointment to drill in my skull for today, and I just got back from that. So my face is quite numb.
I still have a ways to go before I'm done packing, Kara has been helping me. It took us three hours to organize and pack all my CDs.
My car is pretty much sold. I was worried I wouldn't get it sold before I moved but it looks like I'll be able to take the money with me. Things have been working out very well like this.
I'm going to try to drink something without it dribbling out of my mouth now.
Five days |
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| What? |
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| 12:30pm 01/09/2004 |
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I'm getting GLASSES. That's right, I can't see shit in my right eye. My poor left eye has been doing all the work for the past few years. It's why I've been having headaches. So, I have to get glasses.
Six days |
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| press yourself against whatever you find to be beautiful and trembling with life |
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| 08:55pm 31/08/2004 |
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music: On Avery Island - Neutral Milk Hotel
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I've started the packing process. I'll be much happier a week and a half from now.
I saw Hero today, and yes it was visually stunning. Really really stunning. But I didn't care much for the narrative structure, it didn't touch me that much. overall it was an excellent film, but as far as recent historical Chinese warrior films go, Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon was much better. But jesus christ Hero was beautiful.
I watched the Evil Dead a couple more times. It's pretty addicting.
My sister came home from Brazil today, she's really tan now. I forgot to ask her if she bought me anything.
I think I'm going to go watch the Evil Dead again.
Seven Days |
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| Errrrrm... |
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| 10:33pm 29/08/2004 |
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music: Sleeping with Ghosts by Placebo
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Everyone has gone crazy.
Yes, that includes YOU
I've watched the Evil Dead four more times since Friday.
Nine Days (sorry megan) |
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| Say what you want to say and hang for your hollow ways |
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| 11:52pm 27/08/2004 |
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music: Oh, Comely - Neutral Milk Hotel
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Last day of working in the heat at the church. Over. Done. DONE.
I have a shitload to do next week.
I move the next week.
I'm going to watch the Evil Dead, I've never seen it before. I wanted to rent Dogville but somehow it was sold out.
Eleven days. |
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| Thirteen days |
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| 05:24pm 25/08/2004 |
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First of all, Happy birthday Justin. Incidentally it is also my sister's birthday. But she is still in Brazil right now. I think she had some life changing religious experience. Which I think will mean she will no longer be willing to listen to the Beatles and the Beach Boys with me.
The very first REM cd I ever heard was their first, Murmur. And while I heard most of their later years before their IRS years it still remains that their first CD was the first I heard and their last one (reveal) is the last I heard. I just got it in the mail. I find it just a little funny. And soon their new CD comes out. And then they will tour and I will see them. I will.
I move in thirteen days. My parents are going with me, we got a hotel room miles away from the city. It will be lots of fun. I'm also looking forward to the 12-14 hour drive it will take. I'm reducing the amount of stuff I was going to take with me by a lot. It's an oppurtunity for me to get rid of all my shit.
My last day of working at the church is this saturday. Only three more days.
Three. Thirteen. |
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| Lenny Bruce is not afraid |
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| 09:06pm 23/08/2004 |
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music: Diary - Sunny Day Real Estate
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I haven't listened to Document by REM since it was stolen last christmas, my new(ish) copy came in today. I played it while I ate dinner by myself (parents and sister that isn't in Brazil were at the church, praying). My sister came in just as it's the End of the World as We Know it came on. When the chorus came up my sister wrinkled her nose and said "isn't this a Christian song?" AUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. DC Talk covered the song and apparently they play it a lot at church. I bet they changed the lyrics too. I don't really want to know. I knew they covered it... ages ago I was in a drama at my church in which that version was played. But even I knew it was an REM song back then. I got pretty upset at her which I guess I shouldn't have...
I'm cooking dinner all this week. I made shrimp creole tonight. Tomorrow I'm making a chicken quiche. Thursday I'll make some impromptu italian dish and friday will be Mexican night. Enchiladas! Olé!
I made a decision to continue being single when I move. I get really dependent when I'm in a relationship and I think it would be best to keep my mind focused on supporting myself. Being single has been growing on me for a while. I don't think like that all the time.... but it would be a bad idea to move and jump right back into relationships. So I'm happy in my decision. I've made it this far, I can make it a little further.
I hope. |
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| It's a Man Ray kind of sky |
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| 02:40pm 22/08/2004 |
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music: Feeling Gravity's Pull - REM
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Recently I indulged myself a little and bought everything by REM I didn't have (about three) and everything that was stolen from me(about ten). I bought them all through amazon marketplace. It's been like Christmas every day. So far five CDs have come in. I have about seven or eight more to go.
I leave Shreveport in two weeks from the day after tomorrow.
It's been weird saying goodbye to people, knowing that I may never see any of them again. It's almost strange to think that I'm breaking a way of life I've been used to for the past eighteen years. But I can't imagine living any longer like this. |
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| If your life is such a big fucking joke, why should I care? |
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| 06:03pm 16/08/2004 |
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I got a free ticket to Curiosa. It sure did brighten up my weekend. It worked out perfectly too, my parents were able to drive me to Dallas because they had to pick up my sister who was flying in from Russia (actually from st. petersburg/moscow/london/chicago/minneapolis/dallas). And I was able to drive home with kara and dave. It was great seeing Interpol again with Kara and to see the Cure, god damn they were amazing. AMAZING. It was a beautiful show. I think the best moments were during Just Like Heaven and A Forest. A Hundred Years and what I believe was alt. end were equally incredible. The whole fucking show was incredible actually... but those were the highlights. I think I enjoyed A Forest the most though. It was extremely well done. Melissa Auf De Maur was also really good. After the Cure and Interpol I enjoyed her the most. She is an awesome performer. But jesus fuck the cure blew my mind.
Umm. I forgot everyone started school today until I saw a schoolbus on my way to work. It felt really weird. In a good sort of way. I don't in any way feel like I should be starting school soon. One good thing that came from being homeschooled most of my life. I never got into a routine of going off to school after every summer.
So fuck all you high schoolers. I'm going to go and NOT STUDY.
But you know I still love you.
One more thing before I go, I'm pathetic. But I'm pretty much OK with that. |
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| Help computer |
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| 06:05pm 11/08/2004 |
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music: Monster - REM... in my head
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I've been working for far too long at the church. I hurt all over. I got to work inside today though so my brain is okay.
Kara loved Blue Velvet. All is well with the world. DON'T YOU FUCKING LOOK AT ME!!
I had coffee with cait last night, we had a good conversation. I haven't seen her since school let out months ago. I missed our philosophical discussions. I also miss being able to talk about Neutral Milk Hotel like the dorky fankids we are.
I also ran into Justin and Dylan, I should have expected them since we were at Murrell's. I then spent the next 5 hours trying to fall to sleep, Murrell's has the only coffee that won't let me sleep.
My mother is making me feel guilty about not going to church for the past couple of wednesdays, so I guess I have to go. I hate the power my family has with guilt.
I'm going to rent Dead Ringers soon. I've been having millions of signs saying I need to see it. It's come on two different channels, and I saw it at Hollywod when I rented Blue Velvet. Something is telling me to see it.
Time to go sit down for three hours and write/read/sleep. AKA church. |
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| Heineken? FUCK THAT SHIT! PABST BLUE RIBBON!!! |
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| 02:53pm 08/08/2004 |
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My efforts in turning Kara into me are working out very well. She needs to see Blue Velvet now.
Thursday was full of rum, vodka and whiskey. Too many cigarettes (there's a reason I don't smoke dammit), and a little too much naked Phill. There's a reason i don't get drunk very often. I had to work the next day. Whew, that was not much fun. Then Kimmie's sort of surprise sort of party. Then i tried to pull a bender, but I ended up passing out after one drink from sleep deprivation. I proceeded to sleep for over 14 hours. When i woke up I forgot about Amelia's goodbye dinner. They called me several times and thought I died of alcohol poisoning. Since that was of course the most obvious reason why i didn't answer the phone. Then i had to work again at the church. And that was all I did over the past two days.
Yet again, as drunk as i got there was still no hangover or vomiting. No sickness at all. I'm a lucky little bastard.
It's weird to think that all my friends are starting school over the next month.
Ugh. I need a shower. |
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| Thank you mr. stipe |
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| 05:43pm 05/08/2004 |
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R.E.M. are in fact touring this fall. And they sure are stopping in Chicago. Wanna go, Justin? Erin? Kara? I shall have justice for missing them on their last tour. Now I just have to see the Flaming Lips live and I'll be square.
Of course I'll be talking to you, kara, about it tonight. when I see you. You'll read this after I see you. And I'll probably tell you I wrote this too. Now you'll know why I'm late. Actually I'll tell you, so you will know before you've read this.
Time to go par tay. |
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| Way Down in the Hole |
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| 05:43pm 04/08/2004 |
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music: Frank's Wild Years by Tom Waits
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1. Top of the Hill
2. Hoist that Rag
3. Sins of my Father
4. Shake it
5. Don't Go into that Barn
6. How's it Gonna End
7. Metropolitan Glide
8. Dead and Lovely
9. Circus
10. Trampled Rose
11. Green Grass
12. Baby Gonna Leave Me
13. CLANG BOOM STEAM
14. Make it Rain
15. Day After Tomorrow
October 5th, 2004
I've known this was coming, but still... you must excuse me while I go pee all over myself. |
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| Can't believe how strange it is to be anything at all |
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| 05:48pm 03/08/2004 |
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music: In the Aeroplane Over the Sea by Neutral Milk Hotel
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I thought posting now when I'm not sleep deprived would be a good idea. However my brain is fried from being under the sun literally all day. So I still may not make much sense.
So as most of you may not know, I've just come back from two trips. Austin and Chicago. I blew my record shopping load in Austin. I bought:
1) Raw Power - Iggy and the Stooges
2) Third/sister lovers - Big Star
3) Dusk at Cubist Castle - Olivia Tremor Control
4) Deserter's Songs - Mercury Rev
5) Daydream Nation - Sonic Youth
And I'm enjoying them all. Very very much. I also had the most incredible food in Austin. I nearly cried it was so good.
My dad sneezes violently and it used to scare me as a child. So now when he sneezes I feel really uncomfortable and on edge. Weird. It doesn't help that he has ten minute sneezing fits.
Chicago as I said before was awesome. I love the people there (wink wink). I got pretty overwhelmed at the idea of moving while I was up there, but now I'm more than ready.
My parents are going out of town this weekend. I'm so partying.
I need to wash my clothes. |
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| 02:24pm 31/07/2004 |
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Back from Chicago. I starved myself on the train. As a result I ate too quickly upon arriving in my kitchen.
I kind of feel like collapsing somewhere. My bed might be a good place. I'll think about it.
Chicago was wonderful, as were Justin and Erin. Too bad my exhaustion fails to allow my enthusiasm to be an expression for my fingers to convey as the type on this keyboard.
That means I need to stop being conscious for at least a few hours.
Duhrrr |
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| Triceratops |
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| 11:30pm 21/07/2004 |
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music: I am trying to break your heart by Wilco
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I have a dream I want to talk aboutm but I'll do that in a later post since I'm pressed for time.
I'm going to Austin tomorrow, unfortunately things didn't work out with either my sisters or Couch Guy for me to see Tyrrell. Then when I get back I'm on my way to Chicago. I'm not sure if I'm more excited to be traveling or just to get away from work. The church is making my crazy. As my dream will illustrate.
I got an interview with Victoria's Secret tomorrow before I leave. My chances on getting the job are slim considering I will be traveling the next week and I'll be moving the next month... but I need to at least try.
I'm going to forget to post my dream.
I need to pack and sleep. |
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| you can't unring a bell |
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| 12:21am 18/07/2004 |
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music: One from the Heart - Tom Waits
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Sometimes I wish I were brainless with careless taste and zero standards. It seems those types have the most fun. Having good taste and ridiculously high standards makes it difficult to, well, to like anyone. I got hit on again today by a girl attracted to my clothes. The last girl saw the Television patch on my bag and asked if it was Jet. The girl today saw my Twin Peaks shirt. The dialogue went something like this... let's call the girl Amanda because she looked like an Amanda. Also keep in mind that this was in Best Buy after I found the One from the Heart soundtrack by Tom Waits and was frantically searching for the DVD:
Amanda: Hey, can I ask you a question?
Me: Um, yeah (eyes dart nervously to the DVD titles)
Amanda: Can I read the back of your shirt?
Me(really anxious about finding the above mentioned DVD): Um, yeah, sure
(turns around to give ample access to the back of the shirt. Amanda touches my back to straighten the shirt so she can read it, I scan the rest of the DVD titles in the section we are standing in)
Amanda: So, is that um, the lyrics to a song?
Me: Hah, no it's a line from the tv show Twin Peaks that David Lynch did
Amanda: Ohhh... (eyes gloss over a bit) I like your satchel, where'd you get it from?
Me: Um, (really wanting to end this conversation) American Eagle
Amanda: Oh, I hate that store (real punk rock) But I like your satchel (she might have said bag)
Me: Well, um, thanks (walks away as quickly as possible)
I think I have a problem with pretension coming out of my mouth like an odor. Oh well. I know I have a problem with the whole idea of "subjectivity" or so some people say. I guess there's a reason why I haven't been with anyone for the past 18 months.
I'm going to Austin July 22-24 and Chicago July 25-31, so I will be bust all this week packing and then I'll be traveling. I'm excited about it. I have something to do. I love traveling.
By the way, Best Buy did not have the One from the Heart DVD. |
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| I'm free! |
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| 07:33pm 08/07/2004 |
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music: Patti Smith - Horses
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In no longer have to wake up at ungodly hours to work at the church. I now only have to wake up at slightly less ungodly hours to work at the church. This past week the church was having a special "freedom crusade." I was exhausted all week. It's over now. I'll get a lot of money for it though.
I watched JFK on July 4th. It was pretty fucking amazing. I only planned to watch it for thirty minutes considering I had to go to bed early that night. But I watched the whole thing and ended up getting to bed later than I normally do when i don't have to wake up early.
I also got Horses by Patti Smith that I ordered for under 2 bucks on ebay. Its in perfect condition, the remaster, and it's wonderful, beautiful.
David Lynch's parents were in a car accident, his mother died. Awful.
I saw Gypsy last night and I thought it was wonderful. The lead could have been better, but I still think she was pretty good. I really enjoyed it, and it makes me want to see the movie again. I forgot how wonderful Rosalind Russell was in it. And of course Natalie Wood is fabulous. </super>
I guess I'll go do something else now. |
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