ginmar (![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} ginmar) wrote,@ 2005-04-25 18:40:00 |
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And another version
This is another version, shorter but more like that letter model I saw.
Dear America:
Hi, this is the Secret Feminist Conspiracy that you secretly believes rules everything. Well, seeing as how we're everywhere and control everything---yet somehow do not have enough power to give Ann Coulter a cholesterol IV----we've injected tranquilizers into the water supply instead. Now that everyone is feeling really mellow we've decided to take over because we've just seen too damned many movies with Harvey Keitel naked, and that is just a crime against humanity.
Effective immediately:
1. Knock it off with the freaky religious stuff. From now on, you all can only call yourself Godly if you work with the poor, help people out and STFU about who other people are fucking ----especially if you're jealous it's not you. Yes, we can tell.
2.Somebody needs to clone Gerard Butler. Sigh. Can we have sexy guys in the movies with romance and stuff? Lots of kissing would be nice. This principle also works in real life. Also? More lesbian and gay movies that don't feature them as special interest groups. It's just nice. I'm sick of movies about the Cute White Universe. How about old, fat, gay and witty? I want an Oscar Wilde channel! We need a Witty Gay Guy History Channel. Fuck this Lifetime shit.
3. If you get to call us 'hairy-legged' we get to call you 'hairy-backed' and 'hairy-palmed.' Think about how your coworkers will snigger at that, Wolfboy.
4. Men need to go back to wearing interesting clothes. Come on, you know you want to. Tight pants and boots. Think Lord Byron. In return, we'll think about something similar. Everybody wins this way. Also, think about longer hair.
5. It wouldn't hurt you to do a few situps. We do 'em, let's talk.
6. Boys should take Homec. Girls should take shop. Then they switch.
7. How about pertty clothes for women who aren't stick insects? Everybody wants to buy them, the economy will soar, and everybody will be happy.
8. "Eat a sandwich" will be the new catchphrase. Mary Kate and Ashley, I'm looking at you.
9. Ann Coulter will get the job she deserves: working in the collection department for the federal budget, badgering money out of Ken Lay and all the rest. Want a war? Put it on layway like the rest of us poor bastards.
10. Porn will feature actual plots and romantic tension. Or sexiness, whatever. Also? Ralph Fiennes should do some. There will also be really good costumes.
11. We're going to tax homophobes and sexists. Sure, you can say whatever you want. However, you still need to pay a tax.
12. From now on, if you debate, you must have a reasonable facsimile of a cite. If you call somebody a 'feminazi' therefore, you must provide photos of the resultant death camps.
13. Use the word 'she' instead of 'he' all the time. See how that feels. Also? Try using the word 'enclosure' instead of 'penetration' and see how that rocks your world. Try 'womankind' instead of mankind. Cope. God knows, we have.
14. Loud car stereos will be outlawed and offenders will get their stereo confiscated. Then they will have to bag up all the leaves in my yard as punishment.
15. Abstinence only will become the fate of repressive twits.
16. Divorce will become easier to do. Marriage will be harder to do and will require classes. Britney? Let me introduce you to Ted and Al, who've been together seventeen years. Please take notes.
17. For a few years, you get to deal with having 520 female members of Congress deciding your fate and see how you like it.
18. School teachers will get combat pay.
19. Nice guys will no longer be able to self-identify. There will be standardized tests.
20. Movies with violence in them will get severe ratings. Movies with sex in them that's not sexist or harmful get mature ratings that might give kids the right idea.
21. Could we have some movies about heroic females for a change? And could they have flaws, opinions, and bad habits? Also, could they be non-white, non-anorexic, and non-mother? Think any of those Sixties anti-hero movies with women.
22. Pet adoption will be federally-subsidized. There will be tax breaks for spaying and neutering feral animals.
23. Birth control with be federally-subsidized. So will pads and tampons.
21. Sexism will be punished by having the offender videotaped---after a long hot bath--trying to pull on Lite Support Pantyhose with Lycra that's a size too small.
22. Creative sentencing will be the rule, not the exception.
23. For a couple of years, women will be able to do whatever non-criminal things men have always gotten away with.
24. Then we'll have a big huge slumber party to discuss it.
25. Everyone will hug.
26. Except for me, because I'm not a hugger.
This is another version, shorter but more like that letter model I saw.
Dear America:
Hi, this is the Secret Feminist Conspiracy that you secretly believes rules everything. Well, seeing as how we're everywhere and control everything---yet somehow do not have enough power to give Ann Coulter a cholesterol IV----we've injected tranquilizers into the water supply instead. Now that everyone is feeling really mellow we've decided to take over because we've just seen too damned many movies with Harvey Keitel naked, and that is just a crime against humanity.
Effective immediately:
1. Knock it off with the freaky religious stuff. From now on, you all can only call yourself Godly if you work with the poor, help people out and STFU about who other people are fucking ----especially if you're jealous it's not you. Yes, we can tell.
2.
3. If you get to call us 'hairy-legged' we get to call you 'hairy-backed' and 'hairy-palmed.' Think about how your coworkers will snigger at that, Wolfboy.
4. Men need to go back to wearing interesting clothes. Come on, you know you want to. Tight pants and boots. Think Lord Byron. In return, we'll think about something similar. Everybody wins this way. Also, think about longer hair.
5. It wouldn't hurt you to do a few situps. We do 'em, let's talk.
6. Boys should take Homec. Girls should take shop. Then they switch.
7. How about pertty clothes for women who aren't stick insects? Everybody wants to buy them, the economy will soar, and everybody will be happy.
8. "Eat a sandwich" will be the new catchphrase. Mary Kate and Ashley, I'm looking at you.
9. Ann Coulter will get the job she deserves: working in the collection department for the federal budget, badgering money out of Ken Lay and all the rest. Want a war? Put it on layway like the rest of us poor bastards.
10. Porn will feature actual plots and romantic tension. Or sexiness, whatever. Also? Ralph Fiennes should do some. There will also be really good costumes.
11. We're going to tax homophobes and sexists. Sure, you can say whatever you want. However, you still need to pay a tax.
12. From now on, if you debate, you must have a reasonable facsimile of a cite. If you call somebody a 'feminazi' therefore, you must provide photos of the resultant death camps.
13. Use the word 'she' instead of 'he' all the time. See how that feels. Also? Try using the word 'enclosure' instead of 'penetration' and see how that rocks your world. Try 'womankind' instead of mankind. Cope. God knows, we have.
14. Loud car stereos will be outlawed and offenders will get their stereo confiscated. Then they will have to bag up all the leaves in my yard as punishment.
15. Abstinence only will become the fate of repressive twits.
16. Divorce will become easier to do. Marriage will be harder to do and will require classes. Britney? Let me introduce you to Ted and Al, who've been together seventeen years. Please take notes.
17. For a few years, you get to deal with having 520 female members of Congress deciding your fate and see how you like it.
18. School teachers will get combat pay.
19. Nice guys will no longer be able to self-identify. There will be standardized tests.
20. Movies with violence in them will get severe ratings. Movies with sex in them that's not sexist or harmful get mature ratings that might give kids the right idea.
21. Could we have some movies about heroic females for a change? And could they have flaws, opinions, and bad habits? Also, could they be non-white, non-anorexic, and non-mother? Think any of those Sixties anti-hero movies with women.
22. Pet adoption will be federally-subsidized. There will be tax breaks for spaying and neutering feral animals.
23. Birth control with be federally-subsidized. So will pads and tampons.
21. Sexism will be punished by having the offender videotaped---after a long hot bath--trying to pull on Lite Support Pantyhose with Lycra that's a size too small.
22. Creative sentencing will be the rule, not the exception.
23. For a couple of years, women will be able to do whatever non-criminal things men have always gotten away with.
24. Then we'll have a big huge slumber party to discuss it.
25. Everyone will hug.
26. Except for me, because I'm not a hugger.
