Tophe

I just noticed that my nine whole days working at WHO.com did produce at least one permanent change - the blog entries are actually referred to as blog entries; as opposed to just appearing randomly, looking like poorly written and highly opinionated news articles.

IT'S TRUE - A SINGLE PERSON CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE

Actually, I want to add something else to that list of things I hate that everyone else loves: The Amazing Race.

Sure, it’s a slightly more compelling reality show than many others, what with all the exotic locales. But at the end of the day, I’m stuck watching several pairs of truly quite horrendous, appalling people; all of whom do not deserve to get free plane/train/bus/boat tickets or car hire to travel the world and see sights and have experiences the rest of us can only dream of (or watch at a variety of different timeslots on television).

And that fucking Vyxsin and Kynt can both suck my fucking cock. Clearly at some point, CBS decided that it would be great to have Goths on the show. Then, at some further point, they decided that having actual Goths might be a bit too risky, so they hired a raging fag and a plain looking girl with big cans, and made them into a family friendly, committee driven ideal of what Goths would be like if they were designed by Disney. And the committee failed miserably, because that dude looks like fucking Dita Von Teese. And while Dita Von Teese does indeed have Gothic overtones, a man who looks like Dita Von Teese does not.

Memo to Kynt: It doesn’t matter how black your nail polish is – if your eyeshadow is pink, your lips are silver, your eyebrows look like Jeannie Little drew them on, and your hot pink zebra striped shirt is exactly the same as your “girlfriend’s” (HAAAA) hot pink zebra striped shirt - you’re a poofter, not a Goth.

Wait, what was my point again?

At upandatthem's prompting, I made a list of the things I hate that everyone else seems to love. I came up with: E.T.: The Extra-Terrestrial, lobster, U2, Paul McDermott, popcorn, the way I look in a suit, and Star Wars.

There, I said it. I don't like Star Wars.

Not even a little bit.

I can't even get on board with the light sabre, because all I can think of is how a blade made of light would have no counterweight, thus making all those snazzy maneouvres virtually impossible to pull off, and any actual parrying unbearably painful on the wrist.

I was born in 1980, so the first two movies came out before I was born (I was born in December, so it's a fair guess); and I was only three when the last one came out. I do remember being very excited as a tiny kid by the idea of R2D2 and C3PO, but other than that, there's nothing.

I didn't actually see the trilogy until I was 19, and that was only because my housemates at the time forced me. I was bored off my tits. I felt like I was watching the result of a bunch of people having a bunch of monster bong hits - which, let's be honest, I was.

I still haven't seen the three new movies. This is 95% because I have absolutely no interest whatsoever (see re: bored off my tits<); but 5% because I'm slightly wary of suddenly becoming a Star Wars convert after hating it for so long (there's a precedent for that happening to me - it's called Buffy the Vampire Slayer) - and I just can't afford that. If not liking Star Wars has left a geek-shaped hole in my life, trust me when I say I have filled it up with more than enough alternatives. If I were to go now and add Star Wars on top of my already existing geekdom, well then I may as well just give up, go by a cloak and start cracking on Dungeons & Dragons.

I finished my last day at Canberra FM today. I am now no longer employed at 104.7 or Mix 106.3.

On Monday I am officially employed by Pacific Magazines.

Canberra's Apple retailer, Mac1, wanted Scotty & Nige to give away the new MacBook Air; and they gave the boys carte blanche to come up with a concept.

How else would you theme a competition around a super-thin laptop?



Only in Canberra would the breakfast jocks actually go to the trouble of obtaining their steamroller licenses so they could crush 102 laptops themselves.

Shits all over a 'Gotcha Call' any day of the week. Matt Tilley = FAIL.

From beckybecbec

Upon receiving this tag, immediately perform a screen capture of your desktop. It is best that no icons be deleted before the screen capture so as to add to the element of fun. Tag five of your friends and ask them to give you a view of their desktops as well.



I don't have much going on on my desktop either. But I am the kind of guy who has a picture of himself as his wallpaper. Awesome.

The navy suit, the aviators, the wigs, the gloves, the cheap plastic microphone - it's a normal Saturday night between me and my housemates at The Ponderosa.

Look, it's not that I disagree with you or anything; but the next person who feels the need to describe Sarah Jessica Parker as looking like a horse or a foot should do a Google image search for 'Penelope Cruz'... and then re-evaluate the situation.

The Presets - Are You The One?

This song is actually three years old, but it leapt into my head four days ago, and hasn't left yet. Stupid BMW commercial.

I'm really going to miss the house I'm living in when I move to Sydney. As anyone who has visited can attest, I've got a really nice house with really nice things and really nice housemates. (Most of the nice things actually belong to my housemates - but in general, we all contribute to the total niceness.)

But there is our fourth housemate, Batman*, whom I've decided I will not miss at all. I know I went on about the last housemate too, and this one seemed like he was sent straight from heaven - but alas, his halo has fallen.

Don't get me wrong, he's still miles ahead of Flouncy Seashell McHomo - he's personable, intelligent, has great taste in movies, and best of all is rarely home - but when he is home he really starts to grind our gears.

Most of it comes down to the fact that even though he and his girlfriend are now both fully qualified (and employed) school teachers, they have only been out of university for a year, and still live like students. Bad ones.
( The Stove Hovering )
( The Fishbowl and the Tupperware )
( The Bacon Incident )
( The Garbage Bag Situation )
( The Bog Roll, aka The Excess Dabbing )
( The Kitchen Insult )
As I said, on the whole this is still a preferable living situation to Flapsy bloody Mascara Boy, but jeeesus. When you have put so much effort into having an open, comfortable, and friendly sharehouse - like the kind you see on the telly! - where people actually live together comfortably, as opposed to just awkwardly sharing the same address; it's frustrating and a little insulting when you have someone who still acts like he's living with a bunch of clueless stoner students or something.

But I'm moving out in two and a half weeks, so all this frustration is moot. That's not going to stop me being frustrated though, because if expending all my energies on meaningless annoyances and getting all worked up over things I can't change is wrong, then I don't want to be right.

( Glossary )

My career hit a new low point today. Or it might be a high, I can't quite tell:

I impersonated the Queen for a promo.

Yes, that's the Queen, not a queen, you fucking jerks.

EDIT: You can now listen to it, here. Look at that, I found a use for Tumblr after all. And yes, there was production wizardry involved to make my voice that high. Don't get me wrong, I got most of the way there (sad, but true) - but I'm not that squeaky, as a rule.

There's a woman at work today who is an EXTREME close talker. I'd backed half way down an office corridor before I realised that she was just going to keep stepping in the more I stepped away.

I didn't realise people still did that!? Did Seinfeld teach them NOTHING??

There should really be a better level of quality control for the Community Switchboard volunteers in this building. The guy who hires them must have a freak fetish, because every single one of them has some kind of social disorder, including:

- the guy in the wheelchair who smells so bad that whatever end of the building he's in gets completely emptied out;

- the woman with the cankles and thinning hair who brings her ugly daughter with her every time she comes in, and the ugly daughter just ends up sitting on the floor, doing nothing;

- the woman who blinks at twice the rate of normal people who is continually bringing in home made baked goods that no one is game to touch;

- the creepy man with the limp who is borderline obsessed with one of the account managers. He always talks to her, and kind of follows her around when she goes to the kitchen for a coffee or outside for a cigarette - it's not quite enough to call stalking, just enough to creep everyone out;

- and now the extreme close talker who never stops talking, and thus never stops BEING REALLY CLOSE.

I'm leaving my microphone on (with the fader down) for the rest of my shift, so the 'ON AIR' light will flash outside the studio and no one will come in. Freaks.

This is following on from Dan's rant on Sex & the City. My comment was getting too wordy, so I'm making a post out of it. You probably already knew it was about S&TC, just from the subject heading of this post. I mean, who wouldn't be able to tell that it was the theme to the show, typed out?

Okay, so Sex and the City:

First of all, I really like Sarah Jessica Parker, and I don't know why. Maybe because she was the first (and only) guest on the episode of David Letterman that I was in the audience for. Maybe because I went through a period as a kid where I thought Hocus Pocus was the bestest movie ever (shut up, it filled the hole that Bewitched left behind when I'd finally seen all the episodes). Also, the first movie that mum ever rented from the video store just for me was Flight of the Navigator, so maybe it goes even further back? Anyway, that's not the point. I'm just inexplicably fond of SJP.

And yet...

I hate that Sex & the City is held up as the epitome of female empowerment. It may have been a great vehicle for female actress empowerment, simply because it was a TV show with an all female cast. But not for the entire female population.

For a start, having women who say "fuck" and have casual sex is not empowering. And it certainly wasn't groundbreaking - even when it first started in 1998. If anything, it merely reflected what many women were already doing. One could even say it was a bit slow on the uptake (didn't Ally McBeal tell a joke about cunnilingus and have a one night stand with a guy simply because he had a big dick a whole twelve months earlier?).

Secondly, any message of female empowerment the show's creators may or may not have intended to send was quickly muffled, if not drowned out completely, by the shallowness of everything that followed. The women loved shopping. The men were commitment-phobes. The gays were faaaaaaaaaaaaaabulous (and FUCKING annoying). Then it devolved even further to being an unintentional parody of fashion. The legend of Carrie's shoes really bugged me, but not for the reasons you might think. I can totally deal with the fact that she had a shoe collection that no "real writer" could ever afford, just like I could deal with the size of Monica's apartment. I quite like suspending disbelief, it's what I do. But it became such a part of the show's landscape that it all became a bit meta for me. Wink wink, nudge nudge, how could she ever afford these? Isn't Carrie fabulous, oh ha ha ha ha ha ha. Vomit.

Thirdly, and most importantly: From what I know about feminism (so, Tori Amos albums), one of the biggest problems for women was/is being able to be a whole person, and not just an archetype. For so long women couldn't be funny, or aggressive, or overtly sexual - at least not without being pigeon-holed into that particular two dimensional...er, pigeon hole. Women were either Virgins or Whores. Occasionally they were Bitches, and in the case of female comediennes (or, say, the not terribly attractive), they were completely asexual Kooks.

But then Sex & the City came along and showed us that was all WRONG! That women can do ANYTHING, and are strong and independent and so, so DIVERSE - with their four main characters: The Kook, the Whore, the Virgin, and the Bitch. Was Carrie ever not kooky? Was Samantha ever anything more than a whore? Was Miranda ever not a bitch? And did Charlotte ever stop being a cloying, virginal pain in the hymen? No.

The very worst part of all this hypocrisy is that I don't think it's the fault of the people who made the show. I doubt that Darren Star, or Candace Bushnell, or Michael Patrick Queen King sat down with a plan to Change The World. They just wanted to make a show that people would watch. And a sitcom at that. Sitcoms are allowed to be full of stereotypes, and unbelievable circumstances, and paper thin characterisations - that's what makes them sitcommy. But somewhere along the line people forgot that this was simply a sitcom and turn it into a Feminist Movement. And that's what's so bloody annoying about the hype surrounding the movie.

Sex and the City did not reshape feminism. The fact that it was a sitcom with not one, but four main female characters (none of whom were wifey foils to a male comedian) should have been acknowledged and respected - but the female empowerment ended there. The show did not change the way women think, or date, or dress (at least, it shouldn't have). That would be like expecting Scrubs to change healthcare.

And I guess that's my point. Sex & the City is not a societal revolution - it's a sitcom. Like Scrubs. That's all. If you found the show funny, then the movie will be exciting for you. I know I'd hit the roof if they made a Scrubs movie.

But that's all.

I want to go back on Wheel of Fortune; especially now that it's been revamped and you can win actual cash (not just a multitude of holidays that expire well before you can use them - yes, that's me bitching about shit I got for free - I'm that guy).

I was last on in 2006 (and it was axed shortly after - clearly my appearance caused a massive ratings spike, which set unreasonable standards they were never able to live up to) - do you think enough time has passed?

...or Why Nicole's Pregnancy is Totally Bogus:

Look at her hair colour - it's not her natural red! It's still that shitty pumpkin soup colour!

And now, consider the following:

a) pregnant women are apparently not supposed to bleach their hair because it might be harmful to the baby (at least that's what I read in a Television Without Pity recap of an episode of Gilmore Girls that one time. So it must be true).

b) Nicole's sister Antonia is one of the most annoyingly maternal women on the planet. There's no way she's let Nicole do anything that's even remotely harmful to the baby. She'd stop a woman from blinking if she thought there's a chance it might affect the foetus' development.

Ergo: fake pregnancy! QED.

A forty-something redhead with a brow like granite and delusions of perfection, faking her own pregnancy? Why yes, that was half the story arc for Bree in the latest season of Desperate Housewives.



It is also exactly the sentence I would use if someone asked me to describe Nicole Kidman in twenty-five words or less.



That’s why all the shots of her “finally” displaying her baby bump have come out so suddenly - she's obviously just switched from the four month to the seven month fake belly.

Your typical fan-types get awfully noisy whenever it’s announced that an American remake is planned of a successful overseas show. The Office, Kath & Kim, Thank God You’re Here – even Ugly Betty to a certain extent (although Ugly Betty was based on a Spanish show; so all the fans were complaining in Spanish and we had no idea what they were saying so it doesn’t count) – have been the victim of some pretty heavy criticism; everything from the innocent query of why something that ain’t broke requires fixing, right through to outright claims of xenophobia.

In fact, I'm the only person I know who isn't morally outraged to their very core by the idea of an American Kath & Kim. Molly Shannon, Selma Blair and John Michael Higgins as Kath, Kim and Brett respectively? How can you not be dying to see where it lands? Where's your sense of adventure??

But I digress. My point is - what’s the flavour of the day when someone plans to remake a BAD foreign show? Are we suddenly as loyal to our local roots?

The Fox Network in the US has announced that it is re-making a once pretty average sitcom; not only that, they’re making it into an animated series.

The show in question? Sit Down, Shut Up.

No, there wasn’t a British comedy by that name. It’s the Australian one. The well-meaning, but decidedly sub-par and short-lived series starring Marg Downey and Stephen Curry. (And I’m being nice when I say ‘sub-par’ – by today’s standards, with Summer Heights High and Kath & Kim to compare with, it’s complete rubbish. It remains the reason to this day why Marg Downey doesn't have a tan - because she spends all her spare time in a bathroom, scrubbing herself until she's red raw, trying to be 'clean' again).

So, why?

Not sure, to be honest. Clearly they see some potential in the idea – they must have very good eyesight. Maybe they never saw an episode, but liked the premise; bought the rights to the show and called it a remake to avoid any possible plagiarism suits down the track?

All I know is that an animated series that utilises the vocal (and comedic) talents of the likes of Jason Bateman, Will Arnett, Will Forte and Cheri Oteri has got to be better than what we were able to come up with at home.

So, I'm sorry - but haters to the left on this ‘remake’. America, Sit Down Shut Up is yours. Do with it what you will.

Poor Lucille Gatchell.

People hate you enough when you drink-drive.

People hate you even more when drink-drive, and you cause a crash.

But to drink drive, cause a crash, and hit Sandra Bullock?? One of the most apparently kindly, inoffensive, likeable women in Hollywood? Sucks to be Lucille.

My first thought when I heard about it was "poor drunk bitch...everyone likes Sandra Bullock." I mean, there are a brazillion people she could have hit that wouldn't have bothered anybody. Tobey Maguire, Penelope Cruz, Vince Vaughn, Nicole Kidman, Bradley Whitford, Heather Locklear, John Cusack, Gwyneth Paltrow, Fergie, Brittany Murphy, Jennifer Lopez, Charlie Sheen, Thomas Haden Church, Calista Flockhart, Jim Belushi, Pierce Brosnan, Patricia Heaton, Jamie Foxx, Adrian Grenier, Madonna, Andy Dick, John Travolta, Paris Hilton, Tom Cruise, Jerry Seinfeld, Leonardo DiCaprio, Ben Affleck, Scarlett Johansson, Bill Pullman, Jeremy fucking Piven...the list goes on. Sure, these people all have fans - hell, I'm a fan of a few of them - but if they were hit in a drunken car collision the response from most people would be nothing more than "aww...hey! Heroes is on!"

But Sandra Bullock strikes me as one of the few people who nobody would wish harm to. I don't know, maybe you all hate her and I'm way off base; but I'd put her with Alyson Hannigan, Christopher Walken, and Samuel L Jackson as universally liked people.

Are my person opinions of these four people skewing my view? Or is there really such thing as unhateable people? And are there any more? I nearly added Christina Applegate and Ellen to the first four, but decided against it because while I like them both, I can see they are both high risk for hateability.

I'm watching My Kid's a Star on tv, and it is one of those painfully hilarious shows. Apparently it's facing a bit of controversy because the parents didn't realise how much of the focus would be on their "stage mum" antics - and of course, this is the absolute highlight of the show. Every single woman has a mouth like a cats arse (except for the one mum who's Up With Collagen!), and watching these supposedly maternal women openly HATE the other children, while trying to find 152 different ways to describe how talented their own child is - there are no words. It's awful and awesome.

The funniest thing I saw was not ten minutes ago, when a mother got her figure of speech arse-about. When trying to say that her daughter wasn't "just a pretty face" - she got two VERY important words around the wrong way. She said:

"...and she's absolutely got the talent to back it up. She's just...not a pretty face."

HAAAAA!! Oh, she isn't? Pity.

UDATE: This same woman was just shown bawling her eyes out - and when asked why, she said "Oh, it's just that I feel so sorry for the other mothers."

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME WITH THIS?? BAAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Best. Show. Ever.

Today, our receptionist at work commented that she’d had quite a dull day, on the whole, as no crazies had shown up to harass her. She then immediately took it back, for fear she had "jinxed" herself, and guaranteed that her day tomorrow would be spent with nothing but crazies.

It reminded me of one of biggest “jinxes” I have ever been witness to:

When I worked in radio in Brisbane, my desk was located in the newsroom. One day, the news director (who also read the afternoon news) put her head in her hands and said “Ugh, I’m SO bored. This is the slowest news week EVER. I just wish something would HAPPEN.”

The date? September 10, 2001.

Every week a work I write all the jocks an email about the new music we've added to the station. It was initially started by our music director, as a straight list, so the jocks knew what titles to look out for and promote as "new". Then, when it became my job, I started jazzing it up a bit by writing about the songs and artists. After a while I ignored any factual basis altogether and just started making fun of them.

I'm thinking of posting them here, because I enjoy making fun of things, and hate that only five people get to read my sparkling wit.

Also, everyone should care what a Canberra commercial radio station adds to its playlist. Obviously.