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Sunday
September 7th, 2008 at 4:24am |
on friday i found out a girl i used to be best friends with and now hate was hanging out with rachel and jason. me and vince were together, and we were supposed to go hang out with them later, but as soon as i found out about her i wanted to bail. i got so stressed i went to the bathroom and self harmed, and came out bleeding. and he just looked at me. sometimes i want to ask what it would take to ask me if i was okay. i can't remember him ever asking that. in close to five years of friendship. but i can't ask, because i'm too scared that he'd not ask anyway. leaving things unsaid is sometimes better then knowing your answer.
what would it take? honestly, i just want to know. because coming out of the bathroom dripping with blood isn't good enough. does it take being hospitalised? does it take a suicide attempt? fucksakes, would he even come to my fucking funeral? i just get SO MAD at him sometimes, and i don't think he even notices. i want him to try to call me this week to hang out, and i want to not answer. i want to not talk to him for a month, until he apoligises for making me feel worthless. but he never will, because he doesn't even understand how much he hurts me. this friendship is a lose-lose situation, because even if i do ignore him, he won't care, because he has so many other friends to hang out with. and lets not forget the S.O. like the last entry explained, nothing can be more important then the S.O.
it just sucks to be so mad, because i can never confront him. he wouldn't understand why i'm mad. i don't know if it's a female thing, or if it's just a me thing. i fucking hate it so much. life is seriously nothing but god laughing at you, wondering how he can cause you more pain.
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Sunday
September 7th, 2008 at 3:21am |
okay, so i'm a little drunk. that doesn't mean that i'm a moron, or that my opinions are any less valid. for that matter, they might be clasified more valid, because when you're drunk you're totally honest about everything.
i'm pissed off. the job of the best friend is, you know, to be a best friend.
( Read more... )
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Friday
September 5th, 2008 at 3:17pm |
well, i got my test accomodations, which is good. because if i hadn't, i wouldn't be able to write, and then i'd fail all my courses. so yeah, good.
i was actually a bit of a bitch, i guess. you have to go through your guidence counsellor, and my appointment was at 1. but my class finished at 11, so i just went to the office and was like *i'm going to sit here listening to metal that i know you can hear through my shitty headphones, until i can see my counsellor because i really don't want to wait two full hours*. by 11:30 the receptionist had called out my counsellor.
anyway, for those of you that had school this week, how'd it go?
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Wednesday
September 3rd, 2008 at 9:54pm |
now i feel all emo. one of my favourite people on my flist just defriended me with the explanation that she defriended the people she doesn't care about. ouch. it'd be kinda like if i met spider robinson, and he told me to get away from him.
fuck, i'm too sensitive for this shit. now i'm crying. you know how if you have to shout at someone "i am grown up enough" then it clearly means you aren't? well, what does it say if i have to shout "i am a good friend" maybe there's a reason that i only have 2 real life friends. maybe there's a reason that before them, i never kept a friend for longer then a year of school, and absolutely no contact during the summer.
"nobody likes me, everyone hates me, i guess i'll go eat worms" "nobody comments on me, everybody defriends me, i guess i'll go cry" the ultimate in emo.
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Wednesday
September 3rd, 2008 at 9:09pm |
doing my reading for tomorrow's class. (which is so fucking stupid, because i'm doing two years of education in three years of time, i did the older/younger practicum last april. but i'm learning how to take care of older/youngers this semester, a full 6 months later. lame)
do you know how many times you have to read the word school-age care before the word school seems like nonsense, just random letters thrown together?
school. school. school. school. school. school. school. school. school. school. school. school. school. school. school. school. school. school. school. school. school. school. school. school. school. school. school. school. school. school. school. school. school. school. school. school. school. school. school. school. school. school. school. school. school. school. school. school. school. school. school. school. school. school. school. school. school. school. school. school. school. school. school. school. school. school. school. school. school. school. school. school. school. school. school. school. school. school. school. school. school. school. school. school. school. school. school. school. school. school. school. school. school. school. school. school. school. school. school.
ugh.
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Sunday
August 24th, 2008 at 6:49am |
one day i'll have a pretty girlfriend, who will play with toys(kids stuff while fucked up, and fun adult stuff) and hug me whenver we want to, and do drugs with me, and she'll dye her hair blonde or brunet but never red. she'll laugh a lot, and she won't want to read sci fi but she will anyway so we can talk about it, and she'll get me into reading crime drama. which will be great and kind of funny because my dad loves it so much, and my having a girlfriend will have another thing that he can bond with me about. and she won't like kids, just like jason and vince. she'll have a lot in common with jason and vince. she'll be like them except with girl parts instead of boy parts, and she wont mind that i love them just as much as her, but in a different way.
these are my dreams.
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Saturday
August 23rd, 2008 at 10:20pm |
i went to daily snitch for the first time in a long time and noticed that they're doing sign ups for sirry christmas. which uh... holy crap when did it become christmas time, i still want to go to the beach before school starts, and also...
does anyone know anything about yuletide, (becuase i'm too lazy to google it and find out right now)? like, when do sign up starts? also, how elite is it? i remember a few hp comms only let like 30 people sign up. but you'd think for rare fandoms/pairings they'd want more people to get a higher opportunity of matching people.
i'll probably join bestmates, maybe a random one, see if i can get an xmen christmas going, or check out buffy fandom, see if they do anything. but i'm in so many "rare" fandoms that i'd love to do yuletide. so, anyone got the inside scoop?
also, i'm wearing black and red striped fingerless gloves with zombie appliques. i feel so awesome! i loves me my zombies!
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Monday
August 18th, 2008 at 2:58am |
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i need someone to beta a queer as folk fic. please help? normally i don't give a crap about betaing, but this is for a fest.
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Friday
August 15th, 2008 at 12:51pm |
new self challenge: write a drabble every day. how long do i predict this lasting? like a week. still, i try.
( Read more... )
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Thursday
August 14th, 2008 at 7:57pm |
on the bus ride home my mouth was all tooth=ouch. going those last four hours home with my parents, my mouth was all TOOTH=OUCH, MOTHERFUCKER. hoping it would go away, my mouth was all TOOTH=PLEASE TAKE MORPHINE, I'M SURE YOU CAN FIND IT SOMEWHERE.
so i went to the dentist. i have a hardcore tooth infection, to the point that they're pulling the tooth and making a fake one. i'm not all that surprised, i've had problems and multiple fillings with the same tooth for the last 6+ years. but still, goodbye 800$. i needed you, i loved you, but you left me without a single glance of sadness.
in summary, my mouth=lame, and i have no idea how i'm going to buy textbooks.
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Monday
August 4th, 2008 at 7:05pm |
wanna hear something both funny and sad?
i remembered reading something with harry in it, but i didn't remember what the fic was called. so i started clicking back buttons on all my open internet pages, and nothing. so i looked through my history page for the last week, figuring it was something i read before i went to vince's apartment. again, nothing. no fanfic in the last few days.
i just realised, the fic i was reading with harry in it? half blood prince. i guess it shows my love of fandom, when i don't even think about the real books when i remember something with him in it.
have to get up at 5 to get to my terminus bus. still might be kicked off and sent home. i hope not though. that would be a very bad thing. i would probably end up having a 5 day getting wasted bender, to be perfectly honest- contrary to all my vows to never do something that stupid again. that much drinking is bad for my health, thus it is very important to be able to go to terminus.
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Saturday
August 2nd, 2008 at 2:04am |
so i had to flip the calender over today, and i was like "omg, 3 days until i'm on a bus headed to another country to meet strangers for 6 days" which was followed by 'wicked cool' which was followed by 'am i on crack?!"
is it just me, or is anyone else feeling a bit 'WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING?" i've been to toronto for two weeks, but i stayed with family, so it wasn't an actual out in the world on my own thing. this is, and i'm freaking out a bit.
also, you know what's not helping? that like 2 days ago, a guy on a winnipeg greyhound got stabbed like 50 times then beheaded. 0.0 i quite like my head. my dad phoned my best friends cell to tell me, i was like, that's just fucking great. fucking awesome. it couldn't have waited two weeks until i was back in the city and didn't have to be concerned. i'll repeat: i quite like my head.
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Wednesday
July 23rd, 2008 at 8:16pm |
for the first time in my life, i woke up not remembering how i got to bed. i'm thinking i drank a bit much, lol. in fact, i don't remember anything after a certain point. what i do remember was awesome, and full of gay conversation. :D now, i was just with vince and jason, so frankly i don't care if they stripped me and tossed me into bed, there's nothing they wouldn't do that i don't trust. (does that sentence make sense?) but it is a really weird feeling, having no idea when you crashed. also, jason isn't here??? i guess he had to work? is it rude to wake up vince at 8 in the morning to ask him what i did last night?
eta: holy crap. went home and found my underwear was inside out. trying not to jump to conclusions, we've been friends for more then 4 years. also a gay guy and a guy who's really commited to his girlfriend. still, it's pretty bad thinking about it, because what if it's a bodily function thing? that would be horrid too.
definatly NEVER drinking this much again. this memory loss thing is shitty.
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Tuesday
July 22nd, 2008 at 11:26pm |
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fuck, this is going to sound bloody stupid. *sigh* i can't do anything about it though. has anyone noticed that you can't go around on livejournal without logging in now? well, there are some not locked posts that i need to read. but they're preceded by dozens of locked posts, and because i'm their friend, i can't find the not-locked. i want to log out and still look at their journal, (so i can only see the not-locked entries) but it won't let me. any way that people have gotten around this? when i type the person's name into google, it automatically logs me into livejournal if i click the link. i want to stay unlogged, damnit.
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Tuesday
July 22nd, 2008 at 5:40pm |
frequently asked questions by friends and family not answered by terminus:
( Read more... )
faq's by me, not answered by terminus:
( Read more... )
things that terminus could probably answer, but i feel too stupid to ask
( Read more... )
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Friday
July 18th, 2008 at 1:12pm |
FUCK YEAH! \m/ i can go to terminus!!!!
i know what those of you who are reading this are saying. you've been signed up for terminus since the tickets first came out, of course you're going to terminus. well, maybe not. that was what part of the last post was about. something bad happened, and everything was in question. kaci is saying WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, WHAT HAPPENED.
well, last tuesday, my first day of a 4 day grand forks vacation, i got arrested. i was taken to jail because i was canadian, and thusly a flight risk. i was told i could face jail for up to 30 days, and up to 5000 dollar fine. needless to say, i was freaking the fuck out. there were 5 major worries:
1) my dad wouldn't come to bail me out. i'm a criminal, and he used to be a cop. i could see him refusing on grounds that i wasn't his daughter anymore. solved when he did in fact show up.
2) i would have to go to jail for 30 days with a 5k fine. somewhat solved when i wrote an email to my best friends telling them what to do in case of my shanking and death. solved completely when 2 days later i went to court and had a suspended sentence and 300 dollar fine.
3) my friends would react badly. ie: vince saying i told you so. solved when i told him and he said that people way over reacted, and he'd done the same thing in the past, he just didn't face what i faced. vince told jason, who i think is okay, but i haven't talked to him since i've been back.
4) BIG PROBLEM #1. i might not be let back into usa, seeing as i'm a criminal. ie: can't greyhound to chicago, if i can't leave canada. about 5 hundred phonecalls later, found out it 'probably' won't be a problem. worst case sceneario, i travel out to the border and get kicked off the bus, and have to wait 2 hours stranded at the border for my dad to pick me up.
5) BIG PROBLEM #2. my career involves criminal checks. thusly, i can no longer be an ece, which i've been studying for the last two years, and oriented my entire high school time towards. not solved. get a job at mcdonalds for the next 50 years of my life? looking likely.
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Sunday
July 13th, 2008 at 11:38pm |
so, uh, on tuesday i did the most moronic thing i've ever done in my life. which led to me having the worst panic attack i've ever had. the problem is, i feel like i'm in the calm of the hurricane right now. there were three things the moronic deed could affect, and the first already turned out okay. i find out about the second on monday, and the third not until mid-august. all three, if they had the bad conclusion could wind up in suicide. however, the first thing my parents said was "you have to promise not to kill yourself" and i did. i suppose i could break my promise, but i like to think i'm a different person then i was in grade 10. i will be less vague when i find out the second thing my idiocy could affect's conclusion. which is tomorrow, it's just i'm pretty stressed about it, and a rant, even a vague rant, is helpful.
fuck, i am such a moron.
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Sunday
July 13th, 2008 at 1:13am |
top five reasons i love vince, with accompanying amusing photographs:
( Read more... )
also, i love jason but he gets paranoid and does not like pictures of him being posted online.
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Monday
July 7th, 2008 at 9:41pm |
after just thinking i was a complete moron for months, i finally decided to google to learn why i was a moron that couldn't get itunes to play videos. apperantly they don't play avi or anything else normal. it has to be an mpeg.
does anyone have an avi->mpeg convertor or know of a free version? i have a 4 hour road trip tomorrow morning, and then hotel room with my parents for 4 days, then a 5 hour ride home (for some reason coming home always takes longer) and i desperately want to watch a movie or a show while i do this.
i can't believe that my features guide didn't tell me, nor my help button on itunes. i am a technological idiot, how am i supposed to know that i have to switch formats?
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Friday
July 4th, 2008 at 1:49am |
argh. okay, this is going to sound weird, but is there someone on the flist that i could give someone a list of questions, to be emailed to another person in fandom?
see, like i said in my last post, i'm doing my first ficathon in awhile. which means i have to stay anon. but the girl hasn't given me very much to go on in her list of likes/dislikes. and she's disabled anon comments on her journal, so i can't ask there. and i can't email her, because all our emails are visible in the comments of the sign up posts, so she can search for me. so i need an email not associated with me, but i only have the one email.
so, plz to be borrowing someone's email?
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