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Monday, February 5th, 2007
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9:32 pm - The Comedy Business Sucks and Puppy Bowl III
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I'm scheduled to be on the road from Feb 22-25th, in Macon GA..a club that i've done before. I decided to go on their website just to check it out. I click on the "upcoming comedians" and for my date i don't see Steve Miller...I see a guy named Black Kesper is performing.
I e-mail the booker to find out why the club does not have me booked and this is the e-mail I get back.
"I AM SOOO SORRY!! Macon decided to book the room themselves starting on Jan 1st. I sent an email to everyone we booked there, I don't know why you didn't get it. Please contact them for a 2007 date
Again, I am very sorry you didn't get this information sooner!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I'll tell you why I never got the e-mail...BECAUSE YOU NEVER SENT IT TO ME YOU DUMB MOTHERFUCKER!!!
Thank god I decided to just go on their website to check it out. Because if I would of flown all the way to Atlanta..rented a car and drive to Macon to find out I wasn't on the show..I would of killed every motherfucker in there and then shoot myself. Not only am i out of plane ticket money..but alot of income too.
This is why I hate this fucking business..un professional motherfuckers like this.Why do I even bother staying in this shitty ass business. It sucks..and every one in it is either a liar or full of shit psycho drama dellusional motherfucker. Both comedians, comedy club owners, managers, bookers, agents, and everyone affiliated in the comedy business should all have their penis or vaginas cut off. And in some cases some people have both a cunt and a cock..and they need to go fuck themselves too! I am so tired of it all, i'm to old for this shit.
On a lighter note, after the Superbowl I was channel surfing and came across PuppyBowl III on Animal Planet. Although when i cought it on the idiot box it was the "Kitty Halftime Show"
Whoever thought of this idea was and obviously still is on drugs. I sware watching it ..I felt like i was tripping on acid. The Kitty Halftime show had a bunch of kittens running around on a make believe football field playing with toys and or playing with eachother. The whole time they had great 80's background porn music going on. Thats it..no one speaking no one commentating on anything. So for 20 minutes I watched 10 kittens playing with balls and yarn on a make believe football field. Then they brought out puppy's and had them running around playing with eachother with the same 80's porn music in the background. Every now and then a guy in a ref uniform would come out and say "PUPPY SUBSTITUTION" and he would put in another puppy. It was the most bizarre thing i have ever seen on t.v.
The crazy shit was..that it was on till 3am.. how long can you watch puppy's play with eachother. Whose the motherfucker who thought of this idea? and whose the Exec at Animal Planet who thought this would get huge ratings.
Why can't my dumb ass get a job hosting a fucking show like that. If in all my horrible career..if i could get on Animal Planet to host Puppy Bowl's I would be a happy little bitch. Maybe then I would get some street cred in the comedy world. So when they turn me down at the clubs in NY because i haven't been on t.v, I can say Oh yeah motherfucker..I'm the host/referee of all the Puppy Bowls. I'm the John Madden of Animal Planet Biyotch!!!.
Currently reading :
Ordinary Heroes
By Scott Turow
Release date: By 01 October, 2006
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| Wednesday, December 6th, 2006
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11:46 am - White Couple in Da Hood
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Tuesday, November 21, 2006
White Couple in Da Hood
Left a show with my wife 2 nights ago..going from Brooklyn back to Queens. Took the G train so we would'nt have to go back into the city. I looked on the map and saw that our M train was across the street from the Flushing stop on the G train. We get out on a sunday night around 10pm.. You ever realize that you have just made a horrible mistake and you are about to die? Well that was the feeling as soon as we walked on the street. Apparently I had gotten us out right in the middle of the Marcy Projects.
For those of you who don't know...thats a very very bad place. Iraq is safer than the Marcy Projects. And here are two white people in the middle of the street. For the first time in my life I was really really scared..I knew I just fucked up..
The fist thing that came to my mind was Lets' just run..run our asses off to the M train..we can make it. I mean who is going to beat and rob 2 white people running down the street like maniacs. But then I knew my wife would'nt make it alive...because lord knows i was going to take off like shit from a goose and not look back..sorry honey you're on your own :)
Thank god I saw a women pushing her laundry cart..I asked her where the M train was and out of the kindness of her heart..she said.
"Let me walk you down there, I'm headed in that direction anyway"
"Oh thank you thank you!! we're saved we're saved"
She says "I knew something was wrong as soon as I saw you two walk out of that subway, white people don't belong here. You know you're in the Marcy projects, I live here and this is a bad place"
When a resident of a place tells you you're in a bad place..you know the shit is bad. We start walking down the street and of course we look like we don't belong. A white couple walking and talking next to Taiesha. (That was her name) Kristin and I are trying make conversation with her and of course the first thing that pops into my head and out my mouth is "Oh this is where Jay Z is from..how nice..we get to see his old neighborhood". As if mentioning the fact that I know Jay Z is from the Marcy Projects will give me street cred and I wont get beatin and robbed. I dont think Jay Z goes back to the Marcy..his ass will get robbed
I try to "drop" some knowledge and I'm like..Did'nt he get his name from the J and Z train that stop here. She's like No! his name is Jamaal..and something else..at that point I was like ok, I feel very very white right now.
Finally we get to the train and She goes her way and Kristin and I run up the fucking stairs. We made it!! we made it out of the marcy projects alive. And thanks to the sweet sweet lady Taiesha. God Bless that women..helping two white folks who were about to die. Wherever you are Taiesha..I thank you...My wife thanks you..Jay Z Thanks you..and my future kids thank you.
Currently reading :
The Pursuit of Happyness
By Chris Gardner
Release date: By 23 May, 2006
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| Friday, October 27th, 2006
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3:47 pm - Mexican Prison Yard & My Fucked up Bio
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Current mood: frustrated
Moved out to Queens about 3 weeks ago. Finally got the fuck out of the city. Tired of living in a small ass apartment for millions and millions of dollars a month. A financial drain, emotional drain and more fodder for my shrink. We moved to a 3 bedroom house.
Found a gym in my neighborhood too. I joined it..but whenever I go it reminds me of a hard core Mexican prison yard. I'm the only white man at the gym. Not to mention the only person who speaks english. Every guy that works out there is Mexican, Puerto Rican, covered in tattoos, muscles and has a ponytail. These guys are hard core gang members and I walk in everyday with my white Jewish skin and they all stare at me like they're about to gang rape me in the locker room.( The movie American Me with James Olmos about the Mexican Mafia in Prison, thats my gym) The gym also blast hardcore Latin/Salsa music. So even with my i-pod on I still feel the thumping of their music. It's fucking Latin night everday at my gym. It's not like I can go complain...even the women who work there will totally kick my ass. Never ever piss off a Puerto Rican women..they will fuck a white boy up. So I keep to myself, lift my weights with the gang members and when I change in the locker I keep my buttocks very tight. They have a steam room too which I love. I want to use it but I am scared that amongst all the steam, someone will definitely penetrate my anus. It's in a poor neighborhood, i know this because every store has a sign that says "We accept Food Stamps Now". I actually like living in a poor area...when I walk the streets I feel like the Donald Trump of poor people. As poor as I was in Manhattan, I now live like a King in Little Mexico
Went on the road last weekend, had a great time but the booking agent fucked up my bio that he gave to the clubs. It was embarrasing. Here is exactly what was sent to the club. The whole bio is 100% wrong
"Steve has quite an impressive comedy career. Starting out in 1993 in Philadelphia, he soon hit the open road touring comedy clubs across America.
His T.V credits include Comedy Central and MTV. He's also been the opening act for Christopher Titus and George Wallace.
(Here's where it gets really good)
In 1999 Keith moved to New York City, where he wanted to specialize in both comedy and acting. By 2003 Keith was regularly headlining comedy clubs! He regularly performs at numerous casinos too.
People ask: What is Steve's favorite audience? The answer: 30-70 year olds, who enjoy clever, funny, and original & maybe slightly dirty material.
Appearing October 20th"
There are so many things wrong I don't even know where to begin. First off, who the fuck is Keith and why does he call me Steve, then Kieth, then back to Steve. I've never been on Comedy Central or MTV..and I've never opened up for those J-Holes. I like to perform in front of 30-70 year olds??? What about people in there 20's...and I fucking hate 70 year old audience members. What am I? touring old age homes. I love how he writes "clever, funny, original, and Maybe slightly dirty material" Even the opening line "Steve has quite an impressive comedy career" Uhhhh, No I don't. If I did, I would'nt be performing where i was performing and I certainly would'nt have a Bio about Steve Miller that is full of lies and calls me Keith!!!!
Do you people see the bullshit that I go through...NO fucking respect. Where else would this be acceptable in any other job. It WOULD'NT...SOMEONE WOULD GET FIRED OVER THIS IF IT WERE A REAL JOB. But I'm just a piece of shit comic who deserves the pieces of barnicle dung on the bottom of a ship. I am the lowest of the low.
I'm keeping this Bio and I will continue to read it on stage for all audiences to hear. This way I can have a constant reminder of who I really am and what I really do.
Currently reading :
If Football's a Religion, Why Don't We Have a Prayer?: Philadelphia, Its Faithful, and the Eternal Quest for Sports Salvation
By Jere Longman
Release date: By 01 September, 2005
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| Thursday, September 21st, 2006
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3:57 pm - I'm Steve Miller's Boyle and I Have A Few Things to Say
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Current mood: numb
Hello
my name is Ricky Bobby and I'm a huge boyle on the left shoulder of Steve. I'm as big as a walnut filled with puss and blood. I've been popping up on Steve for years and years. Sometimes I show up under his armpits and I can as big as a golfball. When I'm at my peak and under his pits Steve looks like he has a third nipple.
Sometimes that fucker will go to a Dr and then they'll stick needles in me and drain all my power. Then he'll start popping pills and I can't fight off these anibiotics so I start to melt away like the Wicked Witch of the West. "WHAT A WORLD... WHAT A WORLD"
Today Steve went to the Doctor to get more Antibiotics because i'm still on his shoulder...although I don't look like a walnut anymore I'm still puttin up a good fight.
I over heard the Dr telling him that he has to come back in two weeks to get me removed by a surgeon. NOOOOOO!!!!!
Well, if that Jew thinks a surgeon is going to get rid of me he has another thing coming. I will spread my disease to the rest of his body and show up on his groin HA!!! Then we'll see how embarrassed that prick gets when the female Dr has to look at his hairy groin and small penis. MUAHAHAHAHMUAHAHAHAHAHA. (thats my eveil laugh)
Just so you all know...I am 10x funnier than Steve and my career is going a hell of alot better than his. I got booked at the Borgata in Atlantic City and HBO wants to do a documentary on me which will end with an hour stand up comedy special.
This is my headshot..you like?
Please tell Steven not to get rid of me..together we make a great comedy team and i'll let him ride my coatails to the top of showbusiness success baby!!
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| Tuesday, September 5th, 2006
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4:10 pm - Pakistani Swinger & Zoolanders in my Acting Class
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For anyone who has never taken an acting class, I'll explain it to you. Basically it's an ass kissing fest for 3 hours. After doing your scenes the teacher always ask for feedback and critizism..but the other students would never really critisize another student, I mean knowone is going to say "God Man, that was the worst acting I have ever seen and you should quit the business" But thats what everyone is thinking. So they all say the same thing.
"Oh man that was the best work I have seen you do in a long time" (Translation..That sucked but I can't really tell you that even though the teacher says I should be honest because you never know who will end up where in this business and I don't want you to stop me from getting a future job because I told you you sucked 5 or 10 years earlier)
Or they'll say "Hey man, I really enjoyed the journey you took me on in that scene and that was the best work you've done since you started taking this class" (Translation: See same reason above but add.."I was so bored during your scene that my mind was wondering thinking about my scene")
So that's acting class and that is my class right now. The teacher handed out scenes for students to do and there is this Pakistani kid in my class..the scene he got...A scene from the movie Swingers. This guy does the scene in his thick Pakistani accent
"Oh Baby, you are so money Mikey and you don't even know it. You're taking yourself out of the game with your puppy dog and ice cream lines. You need to have bear claws and you're going around like a little bunny. You are so money baby..and you don't even know it". (Imagine that with Pakistani/ 7-11 Indian accent)
The whole time I'm trying not to laugh and after the scene, what does every jackass say.
"Oh man, that was brilliant, your best work ever, I really enjoyed your journey and You played it perfect and made it your own"
HELLO???? AM I TAKING CRAZY PILLS...THAT WAS THE WORST SCENE AND ACTING I HAVE EVER HEARD IN MY LIFE.!!! Lets be honest here, you're never going to get a chance to audition for rolls like that. Let me tell you how you're going to be typecast. One word... JIHAD!!!!!!!
or you'll play the 7-11 dude and your one line will be, "Do you want Beef jerky with that".
I would also like to add that every guy in my class is a total Zoolander dumb ass model wanna be actor. I'm sorry, but they are the male version of a NY Sushi Sucker. Thats a term my wife and I made up about skinny ass bitches in NY who walk around thinking that they look like Paris fucking Hilton. We call them Sushi Suckers. Well my acting class is filled with Zoolander Male Sushi Suckers.
Female Sushi Suckers
Here's a pic of the guys in my acting class(male sushi suckers).
ME, NOT A SUSHI SUCKER
Sorry i'm being a little Manbitch today but when I have to convince/beg a club booker in some small buttfuck town in Ohio that I really am good enough to be in your shitty ass club..it kind of gets to me after a while. But hey, "It's not where you end up, It's the Journey man"
Whoever came up with that stupid ass saying I hope they get SARS
current mood:  cranky
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| Monday, August 7th, 2006
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1:25 pm - Jewish Bitches at Counting Crows Concert & Jersey City Hell
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| Monday, July 24th, 2006
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9:40 am - Tour Over & My Asia Experience
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Current mood: exhausted
The Tour is finally over. I'm leaving Korea tommorrow and I can honestly say that since I arrived in Asia 3 weeks ago, I have never drank more and partied more in my life. This tour was more about me drinking with Philipino girls then it was about comedy.
Not only have I met Philipino girls that think they're coming to Korea and Japan for a singing career and then get suckerd by the "Agency"who keeps there passport till they fufill there contract by drinking every night with strange men for very low money. I have also met some amazing servicemen and women who serve this country proud. It was an honor and a pleasure to put on a show for these brave men and women, at least for the ones who showed up.
Oh and for the record...if your a hot chick and you want to join the military, join the Airforce. Thats where all the hot chicks go. Army and Marines..forget it, those women can play Linebackers for the Philadelphia Eagles. Except for Rachel and Kristina, who came to the last show...thanks for being the hottest girls in the Army that I have seen...and good luck to Rachel..the only female Jew in the Army from Utah! OY VEY! Thanks to all the servicemen and women who protect my Jewey ass from terrorist!
I'd also like to say that every Asian hooker that tried to suck me into there layer with the words "Come in...me make feel good" A simple no wont do either..those crazy Korean bitches will try and drag your ass in..it's quite scary. Koreans are an aggressive people..worse than New Yorkers
After 3 weeks of being in Asia I got to view unlimited Japonese & Korean porn in my hotel room. I finally understand the launguage!!...Love is not the International Language, porn is. In Japonese and Korean porn they do not show gentitals, or pubic hair..it is considered a shame and dishonorable...but getting banged from behind and re-enacting a rape scene in a shower is perfectly fine.
As soon as I get back to the States I will put photo's on my site so you too can appreciate the insanity that is ASIA!!! or at least the Asia I experienced
Asia is a crazy insane place and I'll have memories to last a lifetime. I will definitely be back..next time with the wife and to climb Mt Fuji
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| Wednesday, June 21st, 2006
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12:07 pm - The Funniest Hate E-mail Ever
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The Funniest Hate E-mail Ever
Current mood: jubilant
Here's an e-mail that was sent to me from a guy who I went to High School with. I think it's the funniest thing I have ever read.
A 35 year old bald guy who has this much anger, rage and time should really go into therapy. It's nice to know that I can really have an impact on someones life.
Enjoy Everyone! I hope it gives you as much joy as it did I.
"I've been doing my best to ignore you for months now. I am so sick of your
shit. Unlike you, I don't make fake names and post on that stupid Abington
site. Don't spread fucking rumors that I do, you arrogant stuck-up prick.
I can't figure out why you care so much about me and what I say or don't
say. You are obssessed with me, and I have no idea why. We have nothing in
common, we are not friends. I don't want to be your friend. I couldn't care
less if I never saw or heard from you ever again.
Don't talk about me, don't think about me. Rest assured, I don't talk or
think about you. Feel free to delete me from any and all email lists, burn
my picture in effigy, whatever. I just don't care, and wish that I never met
you in the first place."
p.s
English class was hell with you in it
Stay in Touch and Have a great Summer
Fred Woll
How awesome is that..ok, I added the P.S part..but the rest he actually wrote.
Currently reading:
Classical Music for People Who Hate
By Va-Classical Cdints 1075
Release date: By 31 July, 2002
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| Wednesday, May 31st, 2006
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2:48 pm - My Cats Ass Explodes & Stupid Voicemails
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Picture this: Come back to my NYC apartment after 5 glorious days on an island off of the west coast of Florida to find my bed and couch covered in CAT SHIT!!!!!!
I don't just mean a few round pellets. I mean huge round flat mixed in the bed pancake type of shits!! My Cats ass exploded all over my apartement. There was shit everywhere...Bed, couch, blankets, I even found shit in my closet on my wife's shoes.
My Cat had the Exorcist in her ass!!! It spun around and said "FUCK YOU JEW BASTARD!!! YOU LEAVE ME FOR FIVE DAYS WITH A SMELLY OLD LADY TO WATCH ME. I WILL SPRAY LOOSE STOOL ALL OVER THE PLACE AND THEN LAY IN IT ALL WEEKEND!!!. WHILE I'M AT IT, I THINK I WILL THROW UP TOO.
Nothing like a mixture of puke and shit to cover my whole apartment. The smell was unbearable too. This was not a normal shit smell either. It was as if someone took a used diaper from a retarded old man and rubbed it all over my place and then marinated it in the hot sun till it was baked and then sprinkled Indian spices over it to give it that extra funk. The doodie was not normal either...it was flat and layered with rings around it like when you cut a tree open and you can tell how old it is. There were 5-10 rings of dried doodie spralled all over my bed and couch.
I gave my comforter to the Korean pros down the street..let them smell and see the doody of my cats evil ass. My blankets have been washed and now hang on my fire escape. The smell of rotten cat ass still is in my blankets!!! No Phone call no nothing from the cat sitter...just a note after I walk into the disaster saying "There was a problem..." Uh you think so bitch!!! I left my number in case something happened. I think huge amounts of shit all over my bed couch and closets is a good reason to call me. Let me know what I'm walking into when I come home. DO NOT SUPRISE MY EYES AND NOSTRILS WITH DOODY!!!!!
On a side note, I would like to say that I hate when people leave messages on my voicemail and do not tell me what they want. Especially when they leave a message like this.
"Uh, yeah Steve this is Jerry, I need to ask you a really huge favor, can you call me back. Bye!!"
Excuse me?? Never leave me a message telling me you need to ask a huge favor and not tell me what the favor is. That just says to me. I have a favor to ask you and I know you won't want to do it but if I ask you over the phone in person I know you won't be able to say NO.
Are you kidding?? you think if you leave that message I'm going to call you back? NO fuckin way. A little advice to Jerry and everyone else who calls me. Please tell me what you want or the reason for the call.
For example:
Hi Bob, this is Steve Miller. I'm calling because I wanted to know if you could drive me to the airport on saturday. If you can't, please call me back so I can finds another ride. Thanks bro..hope you're doing well".
Do you all see the difference?
Also, do not call me and say "Steve where are you??? I need to talk to you badly. Call me ASAP it's urgent". Then I call back and all you want me to do is be your Wingman??? Sorry...That aint happening either.
All I want to do is come home after a stress free vacation of sun fun and being drunk every night and just relax. Instead I get crazy ass messages and doody all over my place
Here's the Guilty shitter sleeping
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| Friday, May 5th, 2006
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10:59 am - Kelly Clarkson & Spanking Nuns
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I have a deep dark secret that I cannot hold in anymore. It's been haunting me for about 4 years, maybe 3.
I'm proud and ashamed that I'm a huge Kelly Clarkson fan. YES!, I can't help it. I have both her CD's and am willing to do anything to see her in concert. I listen to her on my i-pod as I walk the streets of NY and as I'm going to the gym. If people only knew what I was listening to they would think I was the biggest homo!. I'm a 35 year old gray haired fan. Yesterday I went on her website to find out when she'll be in NYC for her huge summer tour. I also got to read her Live online Journal...did you all know she is taking a break in Italy right now. Yes, she is resting her vocal chords to she can give the best show possible. I have Kelly Clarkson as my wallpaper and background on all my AOL IM's.
Kelly and I have alot in common...I wont be able to see her show when she comes to NY because I too will be on tour this summer. I have recently gotten word that I wll be touring Japan and Korea for the month of July. I'm very excited about this. I will be on the Japan Jam Comedy Tour and Kelly will be on her "Addicted Tour" Maybe one day our roads will cross.
If my infatuation of Kelly continues for 5 more years when I turn 40, someone shoot me please!!! To see my favorite Kelly pics, posters and T-shirts please check out my blog at www.myspace.com/funnyjew
Me getting spanked by a Nun: "You're a Bad little Jew and Kelly Clarkson thinks you suck!!"
Me returning the favor: "Don't ever tell me that my Kelly thinks I suck, now shut up and eat that bagel!"
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| Friday, April 28th, 2006
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12:14 pm - I Broke up a Relationship & Jury Duty
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It seems my blog has once again gotten me in trouble. The entry of the "Divorced Whore" was apparently read by the girl of the divorced whore I was talking about and after she read it..she dumped him. HA!! When the Whore told me that this girl dumped him because of what I wrote, the first thing that came to my head was the theme music for Curb Your Enthusiasm.
It means so much to me that my writings can cause such heart ache to one human being. God, when you can reach out and touch someone like that on a human level..you know you're someone special. So I would like to say to the girl..if you're reading this now..."oooops! my bad".
Last week I got chosen for jury duty and got picked for a trial. I've never done anything like that before but It was amazing to watch those Jew Lawyers work their magic. It made me want to convert to Catholicism.
All in all it was very interesting to be a part of the American Justice System. I was proud to perform my Civic Duty.
This is a pic of my wife rockin out singing John Cougar Mellencamps Little Pink Houses at a live band kareoke bar we went to.
Bitch Looks Hot!
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| Wednesday, April 19th, 2006
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11:08 am - Pictures!!!!
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10:57 am - Back Shaving & Divorced Annoying Whore
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Monday night I went back to the Poetry Club, I was ready to express myself the way I want too.
Got on stage and read to the audience about my first time watching porn at the age of 13 and my first time masturbating. While my back was being shaved. Then of course I dropped my pants again. Performance Art rules! Comedy Sucks!
I have a friend who recently got divorced. I want to give a little advice to all the divorced people. DO NOT AND I REPEAT DO NOT CALL YOUR MARRIED FRIENDS AND COMPLAIN TO THEM ABOUT HOW MUCH PUSSY YOUR GETTING NOW AND HOW YOU HAVE TO STOP FUCKING 5 GIRLS AT ONCE. And I quote "My ego is cashing checks that my wallet can't afford" What the fuck are you talking about.
You weren't happy with 1 women, and now you're not happy fucking 5 women at once. I have two words for you. FUCK YOU!!!.
When I'm at a show about to get my back shaved on stage I don't need a phone message from the Divorce' telling me "I need to talk". I obviously call back because you have been going through alot of stress and depression and I though you were really down. Only to find out you want to talk about how you're getting tired of juggeling 5 women and having sex with them all!!!!. FUCK YOU FUCK YOU AND FUCK YOU. I'm at a show you fuck!!! I'm Married you fuck!!!! I don't want to hear about your pussy problems.
Oh and stop sending me pictures of all the girls your fucking!!! I dont want to see girls sucking your cock!!! STOP SHOWING OFF!!!..OK WE GET IT.
ok, sorry, I just had to vent to the 3-5 people that actually read my stupid blog.
Help me Cope
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| Tuesday, April 11th, 2006
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1:58 pm - Naked on Stage and Great Pictures
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Met up with an old friend from Los Angeles last night and he took me to this crazy ass insane open mic in the Village. I never enjoy open mics but this one was so much fuckin fun and I laughed my ass off.
I've never seen so many freaks/weirdos doing stand up, poetry, spoken word, and performance art. The two M.C's were in there Bra's performing and happen to be the funniest people I have seen in a long time. Some of the acts included a girl who sung a song titled "My Cunt, The Selfish Hole" A guy who for a dollar tied his sneakers to his balls on stage and then for 16 more dollars had a face painted on his ass and sung the National Anthem with his buttcheeks. needless to say we all got a good look at his glory hole!! Some other topics of interest were African Aids Babies, pubic Hairs, farts, and 9/11 jokes and insane rambelings from a savant.
I never felt more at home than I did last nite...but what was I supposed to do?..I was going on stage!!! I felt very intimidated by all of these great performers in the Village...I'm not a "Downtown Comic"..I could'nt go up there doing my stupid jokes..not to mention at 1:30am...I had to take it to the next level...or at least let these people know that I wasn't some stupid road hack! That I too can express myself in an original way.
So what did I do?...do what I do best..be myself and not give a fuck and go where the mood takes me. I ended up talking about my therapist and why I was in therapy. I spoke of my horrible body image and why I am on my way to becoming a Manorexic. Then it hit me...I decided to share with all these freaks why I hate myself so. So I took off my shirt and screamed to the world. I HATE ALL MY BODY HAIR!!! I jumped up and down and shook all my fat as my Manbitch tits flopped. I wasn't sure if they were laughing but they were hollering. I then turned my back to them an exposed my backhair which has haunted me for the past 12 years. "LOOK AT MY BACK HAIR!!! I AM A GOD DAMN APE!!!.
I was so in the moment that I decided to take off my pants too. So there I was..in my underwear, in all my hairy glory, exposing my most insecure feelings to the Village at 1:40am in the morning. I sware, being in your underwear on stage is so empowering..I loved it. I actually did some of my jokes. I can't do that anywhere, in any club in the country except at an underground performance in New York City.
Next time I go, I'm going to have the MC's shave my back hair on stage for 7 minutes..fuck comedy.
As you can notice hopefully I have alot of new pics on my site(www.myspace.com/funnyjew)...took these yesterday...We shot about 180 pics. As I get more back I will post them up..alot of good funny shit.
Who Says Religon is Boring To see pics go to my my Space Site
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| Monday, April 3rd, 2006
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10:22 am - Mooselodge 434 & My Manorexia
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Had a one nighter in Vineland NJ Saturday night. A mooselodge in fact. (you know, real Waterbuffalo Fred Flintstone kind of shit)
About 250-300 people. I love doing Mooselodges and Firehalls, sometimes they're better than a real comedy club. Great crowd, great show, for the first time in a long time I actually got off the stage totally happy with my performance. 60 minutes later, I was miserable again.
I always seem to find a person or two to really pick on..I do it out of love. I picked on this hot blonde chick all night...at the end of the show she came up to me and told me she was sweating all night because I had touched on all her issues in her life. She was engaged to be married and apparently her ex fiance cheated on her so she broke the engagement. The whole town of Vineland and of course the whole Mooselodge knew about it. I did not..but I kept asking why a hot girl like her wasn't married.
I felt bad so I gave her a free CD...I tend to do that for hot girls who speak to me after the show. You know, forget the huge financial payoff that still eludes me for the past 10 years, forget the fame. What really matters is when my act can touch someone so deeply that it brings up all the horrible feelings of their past. You can't put a price on that kind of talent.
Update on my Manorexia:
As of Sunday Morning I have lost a total of 22lbs. I still look like a fat hairy fuck too. I will continue to lose more and more weight until I need to check myself into a Manorexic clinic, get better, write a book that will be a huge success, and will open doors for me in stand up. Then and only then will I be on my way to a successful career in showbusiness.
Nothing else has worked...I need a vice...I don't do drugs, or i'm not an alcoholic...so I will starve myself and kill my self in the gym everyday!
Currently watching:
Richard Simmons- Supersweatin Party off the Pounds
Release date: By 03 January, 2006
current mood:  hungry
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| Monday, March 20th, 2006
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11:03 pm - Findlay Ohio, Guns & The Regal Beagle
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Got back today from 4 amazing shows in Findlay Ohio. I was at the Barrells of Laughs Comedy Club where their logo is "Nobody Famous." This actually made me feel better about myself because neither I or anyone who showed up at the show had any high exceptations because "nobody famous" was going to grace their stage.
Although most of the comment cards from the tables were sent in and when asked Who would you like to see at the club? Everyone and I mean everyone wrote Larry the Cable Guy, Jeff Foxworthy, Ron White, and of course there were the jackasses who actually wrote Bill Cosby, Eddie Murphy, and Robin Williams. Whats wrong?, Steve Miller aint good enough? There is a reason why the club booked me..Because their logo is Nobody Famous!!!! Famous people DO NOT go and play Findlay Ohio. You GOT ME BITCHES!!!
Top 7 Things to Do in Findlay, Ohio
7)Eat at Cracker Barrell
6) Eat at Outback Steakhouse
5) Eat at Olive Garden
4) Buy a 6.50$ Baseball Hat
3) A Movie for two costing a total of 10.50$
2) Go to their mall and visit there 3 stores and No food court
1) Go to Wallmart, buy clothes, food, diapers and an AK-47
Finished my acting class with the amazing teacher of Richard Kline, AKA Larry from Three's Company. After class I thanked him and asked him if he wanted to go have a quick drink at the Regal Beagle. He just stared at me like I was a complete jackass...
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| Thursday, March 9th, 2006
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11:12 am - Your Approval?? & My Acting Teacher
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To Listen to tracks from my comedy CD got to www.myspace.com/thisaintkosher
Question:
Why do people on My Space have " Awaiting Approval" for comments, etc. I've seen sites with lesbians and half naked women showing there ass..and when I make a comment..the approval pops up??. Hello??? are you kidding me??? You're showing T & A on your site and you're worried about what people will say?? Jackass!
BTW..Taking a sitcom acting class...and my teacher??? Larry form Threes Company!!! I love it... Fuckin Larry...Now I know my career will take off!
P.S I'm averaging 15 people a week reading my blog..YES!!!! Thats 2.14 people a day fucker! My influence and power is spreading! To the two people who are reading this now..I thank you.
P.S.S Going on the road next week..Findaly Ohio...Taking the wife. This time I'm going to make her show her tits at the end of the show so people will buy my CD. I'm broke!
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| Saturday, March 4th, 2006
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4:14 pm - Grandma Farted on Me!
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LISTEN TO THIS:WWW.MYSPACE.COM/THISAINTKOSHER
Since I totally hate the way I look, I've been going to the gym alot. Lord knows I have plenty of time on my hands. I've been going about 5 days a week. Trying to slim down.
I started to take classes too. So I've been taking Power Yoga which is hard as shit..but there are hot girls in the class. I feel more of an idiot...but i love to watch them do all the poses and I can't help but stare at their asses the whole time. Shit, I stay in the back because I know nobody wants to look at my hairy ass.
I've also been taking a pilates class 2x a week too. I'm the only guy in those classes but there all old women. If you're not familiar with pilates it's alot of abdominal work and basically will make you lean. Doing the excercises are a strain on your legs, abs, arms...basically everything. But I have learned that the most important thing is to have a good sphincter control and as we all know, old people have a hard time controling there ass.
I learned this yesterday when we were lifting our legs up and over our fucking heads and as we were doing it, this old lady lets out a huge FART!!. I almost started to laugh out loud but of course the whole room and the teacher just ignore it. Not only did she fart really loud..but the old bag farted on top of my head. YES!!! grandma was right behind me. I knew this because all the hairs on my neck stood up when she cut wind. I wanted to Laugh & vomit all at once.
I wanted to turn around and say "By the Hammer of Thor that was loud!!!" but of course, I conformed to the rest of the class and "ignored" it.
Really people..if you're going to take a Pilates class, then please, for the love of Kelly Clarkson...try going to the bathroom before. I want to get lean and strong, not hold my breath while all these old ladies fart for 45 minutes
Currently watching:
The Fart Movie
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| Monday, February 27th, 2006
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1:30 am - Black People Hate Me
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Current mood: embarrassed
Category: Blogging
I ate a huge shit sandwich on stage tonight. I haven't bombed that bad since I first started. I sucked so bad they heard the bomb in Iraq
An all black audience staring at me on stage like I was wearing a KKK outfit.
Enough Said
Currently watching:
Best of Def Comedy Jam 2 (6pc)
Release date: By 23 April, 2002
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| Friday, February 24th, 2006
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4:10 pm - The 5 Year Old From Hell & Reading In My Underwear
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Current mood: aggravated
Category: Blogging
On my way out to Ohio for a show i decided to spend the night at my sisters with my nephew and niece.
As the Jews say about the holocaust "Never Again"
The whole night my 5 year old nephew was screaming and yelling and running around acting like a complete retard. Writing about it doesn't even give it justice. If you witnessed what I saw you would definitely think he belonged in special ed. Everytime I come over there it's always the same thing, and my sister always says the same thing. "He's never usually like this" Excuse me, but yes, I think he is always like this. When my nephew gets into elementary school and if he does not stop his retardedness he will be known as the "retard" of the school. And that reputation will carry with him all the way through high school.
I have never seen a kid run around screaming, yelling, whining like a little bitch and beating his sister as much as this one. I think he will be a serial killer.
My sister also likes to use the phrase, "he's just showing off for you". No, thats not showing off...what he is doing is being a little out of control asshole. Showing off would be juggeling apples in front of me.
Bedtime could'nt of come sooner. My sister tells me that he wants me to read him a story before he goes to bed..fine. Although I know he wont listen i decided to do it anyway. My sister explains to me that he gets one story read to him while sitting up, and another story read to him while he's laying in bed. Then it's lights out and I have to lay with him for 5 minutes. I'm like jesus christ what a pussy. So she says "Uncle Steven is going to read to you while mommy goes to the store for a minute". Jodie leaves and bizzarro world begins.
My nephew tells me I have to read to him in my pajamas because it's bedtime. I explain to him that I am not going to bed and I don't wear pajamas. He starts nagging me to read him a story with my clothes off. WWWWHHHAAAATTTT!!!! Yes, he wants me to read him a fucking story in my underwear. So like the idiot i am, i listen to a stupid 5 year old and i begin to take off my clothes. At first I just slide my pants down to my ankles and leave my shirt on. At this point if god forbid a stranger walked in and saw me with my pants down to my ankles and in bed with a 5 year old..well, I don't need to explain any further. I said to him..what are you, Broke Back Mountain kid. He did'nt get it.
He then tells me to take off my shirt and pants. So, once again I listen to a 5 year old. So now i'm sitting on his bed in my underwear with my fat hairy body exposed and feeling very uncomfortable,vulnerable and gay.
I start reading him the fucking story and he started to act up. Screaming, yelling, acting like a tard again. He could give a shit less about the fuckin story. He starts hitting the book with his feet, getting out of bed, and then he gets out of bed..turns around a farts on me. Well, at that point I had a enough.I can only tolerate so much yelling and hitting but farting?? no F-ing way. I shut the book and said. "Thats it, no more story for you and i'm putting my clothes on you little freak!"
I threw his ass into bed, shut the lights, walked out..and shut the door. BTW, his mommy told me he has to have the door open while he sleeps. Well guess what..F him and the door and his Broke Back Mountain story time. Never again.
That night made me want to chop off my balls so i can never reproduce.
I wont even tell you about the next morning. But it starts at 6am with him jumping around like a maniac and demanding that we all make him breakfast and that we have to watch all his gay little shows on t.v.I could'nt even watch the fuckin news without him crying like a bitch.
That kid has never heard the word no..he needs to learn it, and quickly.
Currently listening:
Zen Garden
By Kokin Gumi
Release date: By 04 August, 2000
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