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Tuesday, August 7th, 2007
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10:34 pm - the dissolution of...almost everything
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A few things of note have occurred recently, and I haven't really gotten around to putting any of this down for posterity. Which is quite common for me these days. I long ago stopped regularly posting to LJ, MySpace...or anywhere else, for that matter. At the time it began, I viewed my aversion to these "sharing sites" as a little break from all the networking one can accomplish online, if one is so inclined.
I now recognize it for what it was: an actual burn-out.
It creeped into everything I once held dear: I stopped writing, even personal little diatribes in my journal/songbook. Which I hadn't done since I began keeping one around the age of 17. I stopped reading books. I stopped listening to new bands. I stopped going out to shows. I stopped calling friends. Mostly, I just stopped. I think my burn-out came in the form of sharing too much with too many who cared about said details either too much or too little.
So I like the word 'too'. Sue me.
See, not to get too trite about the matter, but this is definitely the Age of Transparency (I capitalized the phrase to make it seem more original. Did it work?). I, quite easily, could learn everything there is to know about any person I choose with mere keystrokes and VERY little perseverance. It's not hard, we're all broadcasting our own stories, even the private ones. The places where we store our lives, and the minutae of detail that they inevitably produce, are all transparent for anyone who wants to look in. And I'm no different. Or, at least, I wasn't.
At the same time, through most of my 20's, I endeavoured to sleep with as many people as I could, as if that would substantiate the reason for my continued existence. Hey, I'm not the first, or LAST guy in his 20's to have done it. Also, I'm not bragging, or on the other side of the coin, apologizing for my actions. They were what they were, and I have very few regrets.
But what I'm saying is this: I've told my stories, even the good ones, WAY too often. Either online, or to some prospective girl, I've rehashed certain nuggets more times than I can count. And I had gotten bored of them.
I had gotten bored of ME.
And I think in the process, I started censoring my proclivity for story-telling. I was no longer interested in what I had to say. More than that, I tended to suppress my love for language. For the beauty of putting words together. For making them just so. For learning new ones. Not to use in any particular way, but just to know. You know?
Anyways. My point, and I do have one, is this: I've changed a lot in the past few years, some ways in which I don't approve. Am I gonna start writing again? Who knows? This is writing, but it's merely a stop-gap. Which brings me to the beginning of this missive; the aforementioned things of note.
Firstly, Newspaper Taxi is no more. The band, as it was, has dissolved, and I am no longer playing or preparing to play live music at any point in the future. Now, this doesn't mean I never will again. But I've been coming to a lot of serious revelations & resolutions lately, and one of them was this: my heart wasn't into it anymore. It's one thing to be bored by your own stories, but getting up there on stage, for ten years, only to see the same bored look in an audience's face? It did a number on me, I'll tell ya that. And I'm really not complaining, either. I've performed quite a few shows where everyone was having a killer time, everything sounded awesome, and things were fun. And we even got paid, once in a while. But the other times? Whooo boy.... Anyway, bottom line: I stopped having fun. I stopped caring about it. And that is unacceptable. To me, anyways.
Nextly (I just made it up. Got a problem?), I've gone back to school. To the Harris Institute for the Arts, one of the top audio-engineering/production schools in Canada. Hey, just because I lost the passion for performing doesn't mean I lost the passion for MUSIC. I just figured, it's about time music stopped costing me money, and started paying bills. I think that's quite a mature step, if I may say so. One that was precipitated by the third Aforementioned Thing of Note (ATN) on this list:
I am almost done with the service industry. I know every industry has its share of pricks, but I keep running into the same ones, in the same style. To anybody who hasn't spent a couple of months in the industry to pay some bills or get through school or whatever: FUCK YOU. You have no idea the amount of effort it requires from not just your body, but your mental health and self-respect. For God's sake, your job title is that of a SERVER. You serve people. Like a pawn. I know, I'm veering into trite again, and there are 3 million worse jobs out there. I know. But I haven't given ten years of my life to these things, and I'm allowed to vent. This is my Transparent Hall of Notes (THN). Anyways, without spitting too much bile and venom, my days as a waiter/bartender are coming to a close. Which I predict will have a wonderful affect on my general sense of well-being. Which may precipitate more changes to come. Which excites me.
All in all, some changes you choose, and some choose you. Some you like, and some you don't. But the direction I'm headed now? It's like stepping out of a full-body cast. I feel like I can move in directions that have been closed off to me for years. And that's a very, very good thing. One which I really did want to share. Because it's been a long time since I've wanted to share anything. And that's a step in the right direction.
Thanks for your time.
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| Wednesday, May 30th, 2007
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9:22 pm - We're only making plans for Nigel...
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I gots me a puppy this week! I'll post pictures as well, but just as a reminder to myself when and how this happened, I'm writing in this here thingie....
So I get a message from an ex-girlfriend who knows I'm completely enamoured with bulldogs. Turns out, some guy she's talking to starts lamenting how he "impulse-purchased" a bulldog, and now hasn't the inclination nor the time to care for him, and would like to quickly get rid of him. My first question is, of course, "How rich do you have to be to 'impulse-purchase' a FORTY-FIVE-HUNDRED-FREAKING-DOLLAR dog??" To which there really is no satisfactory reply.
Anyways, this dude only had the dog for about two months, during which he rarely spent any time with it, placed it in an $800-a-month doggie daycare, and got tired of all the upkeep. His loss, my gain. This 6-month-old purebred English bulldog, named (get this) NIGEL comes complete with all his shots, is neutered AND crate-trained, and is pretty much the cutest thing in the whole wide world. I am now responsible for the perpetual care of a life that is not my own. Whoa, dude. That's, like, some serious shit.
Cute pics to come.
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(comment on this)
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| Sunday, February 18th, 2007
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9:57 am
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i love how you blow
on the ends of your cigarettes
just to watch them burn brighter
lazy sunday
watching our smoke in the sunbeams
fishkisses and little bears
licking your teeth as you growl
ducks with hats poking frogs with a leaf
a zoo of our pleasure and delight
i've fallen
but this time in the good way
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(comment on this)
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| Saturday, January 21st, 2006
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4:12 pm
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the show at the silver dollar went smashingly. a lot of people showed up for all three bands, and everyone STAYED. that's rare in toronto. people don't go out to have a fun night, they support their friends, then leave. it's very disheartening. BUT! that didn't happen this time, and it was a good night. we watched the first band, played our set, then relaxed with some booze and pool while the last band played. all in all, it's nights like these that remind me why i play music in the first place. i wish more of the music community in this city was like that.
oh, and a funny peripheral story. before the show, we all piled into dan's car and went to the edge, to ask them if they'd plug the show. not only would they, but martin streek (spelling?) put us on the air to hawk it ourselves. paul and i got on the air for a full five minutes talking up the band, and the upcoming shows. some of you know i used to work at a radio station in winnipeg, and i forgot how much i really loved it. we mentioned the website too, and the next day, we had a full 7,000 NEW HITS on it. if we can keep this pace up, this year will MORE than make up for last year.
so having said all this, i hope to see any and all of you out at the HORSESHOE TAVERN on FEBRUARY 1ST, which is a wednesday, i know. but cover's only $5, and we get on around 10. so it will be a cheap and early night, and you get to support us before we get so self-absorbed we won't even recognize the effort.
no wait, scratch that. we love you. we always will.
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| Thursday, January 12th, 2006
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5:22 pm
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"I am not going to sit on my ass as the events that affect me unfold to determine the course of my life. I'm going to take a stand. I'm going to defend it. Right or wrong, I'm going to defend it."
-Cameron Frye, from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off (1986)
Oh...also, I'm back home. And let the records show: I absolutely despise the Dominican Republic.
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(comment on this)
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| Sunday, January 1st, 2006
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6:42 pm
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fresh year. fresh screen. fresh outlook. any fresher, and i'd be a zest commercial.
so i'm on a mission to find the Ari i was before i took a wrong turn. i may be bull-headed at times, and i may not always step rightly, but i can't say i haven't lived an interesting life so far. that's more than a lot of people can say. and even though it's not a competition, it feels good to reaffirm the things that make me unique. even if it's only to myself. because i think it's when i lost sight of that that i allowed myself to get as down as i did.
god, i love the double use of the word 'that'. god, i'm such a dork.
so yeah. new and improved Ari. now with 25% less tsuris, and 40% more schpielkis!
-A.
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(comment on this)
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| Saturday, December 31st, 2005
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2:01 pm
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so long, you piece of shit year. may your replacement bring all the things that you failed miserably at bringing.
current mood:  relieved
current music: Elvis Costello- You Belong To Me
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(comment on this)
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| Thursday, December 29th, 2005
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6:39 pm
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I've disallowed comments to my journal. I realized that I stopped writing in here for two reasons.
1- I hate moping, and that's all I've been doing. Why would I want to keep a record of it?
2- When one mopes, there are two ways people respond to it: a) they wish you well, and tell you everything will be alright, & b) they tell you to stop bitching and get over it.
Both of these options infuriate me. So mostly, I've been trying to stay positive, but it hasn't been working. And maybe it's time to type some of this shit out. But in order to do that, I needed to be sure I wouldn't get the requisite "hey, it's ok" or "you're a whiny git" responses. Hence the no comments thing. If you really want to comment on anything I write, most of you know my address. And if you don't know it, well, no offence, but I'm up to my neck in differing opinions, and I didn't need one more anyways.
I think my mood lately is less a matter of not being ABLE to be happy as much as it is a matter of not WANTING to be happy. I know I’m capable of telling jokes and laughing and all that. I just don’t feel right lately with being happy. Like I should mourn for longer. And not just mourn for Baba either. But mourning for wasted opportunities, bad decisions, and another year gone with very little to show for it. Lately I feel like every time I’m about to be happy, a dark mood comes over me, and won’t allow me to enjoy anything. Like I’m subconsciously sabotaging my healing period, almost willing it into some indefinite melancholy. I don’t WANT to be Billy Corgan. One’s enough, thank you.
I’m not really planning to go out for New Year’s. I actually think I’d make a pretty lousy date. I won’t dance in the mood I’m in, and if I get drunk, I’ll probably just get insular and sad. Whoo, what fun! Ladies, come and get it!
I think I’ll be taking advantage of this here thingy more. It feels good to write. I’m definitely more of a writer than a talker.
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(comment on this)
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| Monday, December 26th, 2005
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10:49 am
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Every time I start to write in this thing, I just delete it because it's always so downtrodden. And I don't like to sound too emo. I mean, this is already a blog, why further perpetuate stereotypes?
But I couldn't NOT do the Annual Love List. If you don't know what i'm refering to, click on the hyperlinks. They'll take you back to the year's end list entries, and sort of explain why I do this. And why I'll do one every year, regardless of cicumstances. Though it will admittedly be a rather sombre tone this year. Anyways:
As always, Fae Simon, otherwise known as Mum, tops the list. As I get older, I realize how lucky I am to have a parent (and not just a mum) as good as her. The only reason I'd EVER want to have kids is to honour her teachings by imparting it upon the generations to come. She is a truly wise woman, and sometimes I don't give enough creedence to this fact.
Next is Len Goldenstein. In fact, in a couple of days, I'll be flying to the Dominican Republic to be the best man in this dude's wedding. We've literally grown up together now. Though I don't get to see him as often as I'd like.
Mel Shell only comes in after Len because I met him first. In my mind, they're pretty much tied, anyways. Plus it's not like love is tangible, right? Anyways, i'm so happy to witness how CUTE her little baby Ezri is.
Dan Desveaux, or Branwyn, on this site. He's my homosexual hetero-lifemate. Seems fitting that mine's gay anyways.
Vanessa. Every year, I resolve not to put her on, and every year, I falter in my decision. I wonder why?
Wendy Carnegie. I'm a horrible friend to her, and go months without communicating (and it's always my turn for communications that goes for so long, so I place none of the blame on her shoulders). And yet she's always happy to hear from me, and suggesting I come spend some time with her and her horses. A beautiful person.
Erin, or Kachera, on here. I don't know what last name she goes by anymore because she's gotten married. She's also bought a house, and I'm so happy she's found a life she loves with a boy who's good to her. Way to go babe! You're STILL my role model.
There appears to be a gaping hole in the list. Without sounding too trite and emo, it's because there's now a gaping hole in my life. This past year, Baba Bella Scheiman died. And I still can't reconcile that I'll never hear her laugh again. Baba's of COURSE still on the list. But this list is reserved for the living. It's the reason I do it; to celebrate the better aspects of life, and the reasons we live it. So from now on, Baba's on the permanent Hall of Fame Love List. It's like sports. You can't get on the list until you retire. And I know she'd have found that funny. I miss you, Babs...
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Sunday, November 20th, 2005
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8:28 pm
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Hushed tones
And the words
"It's OK"
Have never seemed more malignant
And less comforting.
And when you're wishing
For an end to suffering,
Waiting for death
Is both the hardest
And easiest
Thing to do.
There is very little nobility
In growing old
And waiting for your body
To fail.
There is very little comfort
In watching it happen,
Equipped only with Vaseline
And warm washcloths.
And there is very little justice
In fighting so hard to survive
In order to die like this.
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| Friday, November 18th, 2005
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3:38 pm
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so we played the cd release party last night. it went well. we had over a hundred people show up, and sold quite a few cd's and t-shirts. we pulled in almost a grand. so the band's finally making money, which is nice. not to say we're actually making money as individuals. I'M not seeing a cent. but at least the band's pulling something in. it'll be good for all the costs we've incurred.
and my baba's dying. she's not responding to the chemo, and now they've discovered a pulmonary embolism in her lung. also, her liver's shutting down. i'm heading back to winnipeg tomorrow. i haven't booked a return date, so i don't know when i'll be back home.
i really don't know what else to say. there's so much, and yet the thought of typing it all out is more than i can currently handle.
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| Wednesday, November 9th, 2005
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11:56 pm
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Loving someone is so much easier than missing them. When you love someone, you do it on your own terms. When you miss someone, you do it helplessly.
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Tuesday, November 8th, 2005
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9:52 am - Something to do on the 17th!
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I know I've told many of you the following information individually, but some might not be aware, and I've gotta use every opportunity to let everyone know:
Thursday, November 17th at The Rivoli
Newspaper Taxi's CD Release Party!!!
That's right, it's finally here. 12 chocolate song nuggets in one easy to carry disc that melts in your mouth, not in your hands. And, for your pleasure, we've had the night sponsored by Long & McQuade, so we'll be giving away prizes. Prizes like a GUITAR. How many OTHER bands do that for you?
Doors at 8, show starts at 9. Opening up for us will be Cole, who's got one of the best voices I've ever heard sing rock and roll, and The Haymakers, who're always a party on a stage. It should be one hell of a night, you know. Cover is $7. And the RIVOLI is located at 334 Queen St. W (on the south side of Queen St W, in between John and Spadina). THERE IS A BIG YELLOW SIGN ON THE FRONT THAT SAYS RIVOLI. You CANNOT miss it.
And speaking of "cannot miss it", this show is one of those things. Never mind, for a moment, that the media will ACTUALLY be there, waiting for us to succeed or fail. But it's also gonna be a fantastic night of prizes, music, t-shirts, CD's, and booze, so won't you please come and share it with us? Otherwise, we'll have to drink all the booze by ourselves.
See you all there!
-Ari.
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Sunday, October 2nd, 2005
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11:35 am
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i need a place to live. finding places in this city by yourself sucks. anyone know anyone else who needs a roommate? i'm only 5'7, so i don't take up much space.
-A.
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(5 comments | comment on this)
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| Saturday, September 24th, 2005
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8:46 pm
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november 17th. a thursday. it's TWO MONTHS AWAY. book it off. my band, NEWSPAPER TAXI is having a CD RELEASE PARTY at the RIVOLI. you have NO EXCUSE for not coming, as you can book it off NOW. more details to come.
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| Saturday, September 10th, 2005
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3:42 am - next chapter
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wow. so shit's happened. since last i spoke. no kidding.
broke up with katie. that wasn't fun. it still isn't. we're gonna be living together until at least the end of this month, maybe even until the end of october. which would be fine really, except for that just gives it more time for more things to go wrong, and badly.
i can't seem to convince anyone that i haven't stopped or changed any of my feelings for her. i just decided this because it was the best thing for BOTH of us. which, admittedly, sounds like a mouthful of tripe. i guess i shouldn't worry about perceptions at this point. sometimes, you gotta play the bad guy. and it sucks. i don't even feel like i'm allowed to say how hard this is. like hearing paris hilton talk about how her night was ruined because they ran out of booze, or something.
anyways, more shit's happened. but this was the most i could squeeze out at the moment. apologies for the radio silence.
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Sunday, August 21st, 2005
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11:46 pm
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| Tuesday, July 26th, 2005
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4:16 pm
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the trip to winnipeg went exceedingly and surprisingly well. i saw it through katie's eyes, and she thought it was pretty decent. to be fair, i only showed her the really good things, as a host and tour guide does, and the fringe fest was on. but i have to admit, i haven't had that good of a time in the peg for YEARS. so let's everyone thank katie for diminishing the level of venomous spite i hold for my hometown.
*all together now* "THANKS KATIE!"
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| Friday, July 8th, 2005
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12:02 pm - old poetry...
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....found this uncompleted in an old lyric book:
A sip of wine
A cigarette
An evening spent with one just met
A sideways look
A devious stare
Forget the one who isn't there
I tidy up
The traffic jam
Apologize for who I am
And still you say
It's not the truth
I don't remember asking you
sometimes i'm amazed at how clear and concise my idears translate into the written language, and how easy it is to remember exactly where i was (both in body and mind) when i wrote whatever it is that i wrote. sometimes, i'm also amazed at how my opinion of the exact same piece of work can oscillate between appreciative and embarrassment, with intermittent bouts of both pride and shame.
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| Sunday, July 3rd, 2005
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1:38 pm
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