Below are the 19 most recent journal entries recorded in freshyq's LiveJournal:

Wednesday, October 5th, 2005
12:39 pm	bike So, last week on Monday the front fork on my bike broke.... yup, snapped in two pieces. I don't know why or how, but it did. I finally brought it into the bike shop, because I thought it would be covered by warranty. The great news is that instead of sending it back to the company, having it evaluated for warranty, sending it back to the bike shop, and fixing it up.... instead of all that, the service manager calls me today and says my bike is ready!!! He had extra shock legs sitting around that were apparently intended for my type of bike! Yippee! That's my good news for the day. Hopefully we'll have more later! Current Music: Porcupine Tree - Hate Song (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, September 19th, 2005
5:37 pm	eh? So Derek got a house! Christian and I will continue to live with him in the aforementioned house. It's out in Hilliard near I-70 and Hilliard-Rome Rd. "How are you going to get around since it's about 11.6 miles away from campus", you ask? I dunno yet, but I'll figure it out. There's a bus stop that's near the place apparently. I also might get a car if I can at all possibly afford it, which is definitely in question. I would have to borrow money. I can't afford one, plain & simple unless I go into a significant amount of debt and get bad credit. I cannot wait to be done with school. I think at this point my frustration with being in school might actually outweigh the frustration involved with doing schoolwork. This means that I might actually be motivated enough to do well for a change... but we'll see if that's actually true. Whenever I think that it just turns out that school gets more & more depressing. I need to be done. It's taking us a really long time to sort through all of our stuff and throw out what we don't want. My favorite thing thrown out so far would probably have to be the bicycle that I found behind the dumpster to begin with. We really need to get through all this stuff so it doesn't take an excessive amount of time to move into the new house. Well I'm gonna do something. Good bye. (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, September 16th, 2005
2:30 pm	I know what you're thinking No, really, I do know what you're thinking. I can read minds. You're thinking "oh wow, Chris updated". I'm hungry. I really like solid food. I almost never eat soup, pudding, but occasionally I'll eat yogurt. I think foods are best eaten in sandwich or burrito form.... unless it's Italian or Chinese food; they just have their own thing. since Derek is hoping to get a house ASAP I've been going through all of my stuff, making an active effort to get rid of things rather than "save them". Why do we always do that? "No don't throw it away, I want to save it!" Save it for _______? I find it very rare the object that I am actually glad I saved, with a few exceptions. One being the cheap souvenier that Jawn & I bought while we were in D.C. on our one-day road trip. I think that qualifies for each of our best road trips ever. I almost fell into the fountain at the Capital building trying to get the change at the bottom. Jawn got chaffing so bad he had to waddle the second half of the day. It took us 1 hour to find a McDonalds in the morning. We walked the entire length of each side of the National Mall, stopping at everything along the way. And we got to have a meal with Dave, all before going home that night for work the next day. Of course, I got my obligatory "trip to the east coast" traffic violation on the way back. But it was a great trip. And that's not even half of it all! All in 1 day! I do find that the more outrageous things are the most fun. I think that danger and eccentricity are a requisite part of my happiness. Laziness is a bad thing. I hate it. Lately I've been lazy, and it's no good. It makes me feel like a two toed, and quite possible even a three toed, sloth. So I'm gonna go through more stuff, and EAT. Mmmmmm, eat. (14 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, August 12th, 2005
7:39 pm	The fantastic, hobbling return of Chris Howdy friends, So I've been gone all summer, for two months at Officer Candidate School (OCS) for the U.S. Marine Corps. Most of you know that. Many of you also know that I had been sent home early due to a stress fracture in my left foot, 3rd metatarsal. Few of you know that I injured myself at the end of week 7, the program being 10 weeks long... I was the last person to leave my platoon (we went from 63 to 43). What does it mean for me? It means that in order to earn my commission as an officer, I will need to complete OCS at a later date, thankfully only doing the 6-week senior portion as opposed to the full 10 weeks. When? Most likely next summer. I will have (hopefully) graduated OSU by then. I only have 5 classes left, so I have two semi-light quarters ahead of me. What did I think of the whole experience? I can't quite say "i liked it!", because the fact is that it's VERY exhausting, stressful, and difficult. But nonetheless, I was definitely satisfied to be at training. I felt like I fit there, like I was where I wanted to be, and where I was supposed to be. I learned quite a lot when I was there, more than I'll attempt to describe here. The main thing that I learned was the group dynamics within a platoon & company. Structure in the USMC: Fire team = 4 people... Squad = 3 fire teams... Platoon = 3 squads... and so on... The idea is this: when I arrived, I had no idea whatsoever as to how things were run in a platoon. It took me about 5 full weeks to really understand the group dynamics. I made just as many mistakes, and had just as many difficulties as anybody else there. It took a lot of adjusting and adapting, but I have come quite a long way. Aside from that I've come to appreciate history and the sovereignty of nation-states a lot more during my time at OCS. It is making me anxious to finish school and move on to what I really want to do. Since I could say plenty of things about this subject, I shall leave it up to any interested readers to ask me further questions personally. Readjusting upon my return has been difficult. The fact that I returned without finishing OCS, and also having to hobble everywhere made it even more strange of a situation. Thankfully I get benefits for being injured while in training. So I will hopefully not be strapped for cash. I have had a general aloofness ever since I got injured and have not been involved in the activities I want to be. I really do feel like Columbus can't offer me what I really want, as odd as that may sound. So I feel like going to sleep right now. Good night. Current Mood: aloof Current Music: none (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, March 30th, 2005
12:08 pm	Oh my gosh! An update! I know, I haven't updated since last September! For the few of you who will actually see this, it is quite a sight. Lately I have been feeling lonely. Everybody finds that strange, because I have a lot of friends with whom I get along quite well. But the fact is that I don't really connect with many of them. I feel out of place here. It's like all the things that people here are interested in or focused on do not coincide with what I am into. This realization came to me on Easter weekend when I went to visit my friend Anna & her family just north of Nashville. Anna and I relate to each other so naturally; it was the same with her sister Sarah. As I was spending time there I realized that I connect so well with people I barely know, just as well (if not better) than with people I've known for quite some time. These are good Christian brothers and sisters, mind you. So when I compared that really good connection with Anna (and no, I'm not talking romantically) with my connections here it made me realize I am not that well connected. Perhaps that is a sign that it's time for me to be moving on with life? going in a new direction? Well, that may be the case since I will be gone for good in January (unless things don't pan out with the Marines). I haven't heard news on "official acceptance" to go to OCS this summer, but from what the officers say, there is really nothing to worry about. They are deseperately in need of officers, and will apparently do just about anything to get a qualified person like myself through into service. Since I am more than willing to put forth the effort needed, I'm quite sure it will work out, God willing. Meanwhile I will be keeping myself in as good of shape as possible so I can make it through OCS strongly. I have to arrange to take my finals a week early so I can report to OCS on time. That'll be cramped. Well, I need to get going to classes. Can you feel the excitement? I'm ecstatic. Operations management here I come. Current Mood: bored Current Music: None, fool. (8 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, September 22nd, 2004
7:10 pm	a Christian you say? So I have been thinking about an interesting passage, Matthew 7:21-23... "Not everyone who says to Me, 'Lord, Lord,' shall enter the kingdom of heaven, but he who does the will of My Father in heaven. Many will say to Me in that day, 'Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in Your name, cast out demons in Your name, and done many wonders in Your name?' And then I will declare to them, 'I never knew you; depart from Me, you who practice lawlessness!" So if you're reading this and you call yourself a Christian, I have some things for you to think about. First of all, do you even call upon God for your needs? Or do you only do it when it's convenient for you? Is God your personal attendant in your own mind? A lot of you think this way, and are not even at the point of truthfully saying that you call out "Lord, Lord" for everything in your life. Maybe you do call on God though, maybe you do. How do you live your life though? A lot of pastors and people who think highly of themselves will preach out to "allllll you sinners out there" contrasting the difference of the life of a Christian (supposedly filled with goodness), and the life of a sinner who does not profess to follow God (supposedly filled with selfish lawlessness). This is nothing new, is it? We hear people talking about that all the time, how we need to focus on the good, and be hard working Christians actively promoting what we believe to be the gospel truth, even along with miraculous signs and wonders done thanks to God's grace. It's funny though, how often do you, if you call yourself a Christian, think you're actually doing the will of God? Prophecy, casting out demons, working many wonders to the benefit of loved ones and even strangers... in the name of the Lord. These are good things, are they not? Aren't these the things you seek out as Christians? Yet no matter how hard you seek after these things, that might not NECESSARILY be God the Father's will for your life, and when you stand before him on the last day he will say to you "I never knew you, depart from me", so you'd better think about this... What Jesus is talking about here is how willing we are to subject ourselves to the Lordship of God the Father. So where's the conflict come in to play you wonder? How can a person doing good works fail to do the will of God. "Doesn't God want us to do good things?" we ask. Of course he wants us to do good things, but let's not get ahead of train of thought here... Instead, let's take an arbitrary example of your hard working and zealous Christian woman. She's married and has a teenage son who is a pretty well behaved kid considering his age. She works very hard at the church, arranging seminars and coordinating childcare for the church services. When she's not doing that, she's involved in other ministries such as feeding the poor, and leading a women's group where they can encourage each other to be loving to their family and friends in a practical way. She doesn't have much time to be around with her husband or son, and understandably so. After all, she's busy doing God's work, right? Then her son's work ethic drops, and he begins to reject his parents at every turn. She tries to mend that relationship but it's too late, he won't hear anything about it. Her husband has accommodated for the lack of time together by committing to a softball league with other guys at the church. The kid does whatever he wants, and the family really doesn't have any cohesiveness like a truly loving Christian family should. The parents get a divorce 5 years down the road after their kid goes off to college in his own direction to who knows where. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN? Well I tell ya what, it is not God's will for families to drift apart and cause emotions scars on the children they brought into this world. This is what Jesus is talking about. He's talking about when we let a huge array of "good things" to get in the way of doing God's will for our lives.... Now we can't get confused about a couple of things. First, God's will definitely has good things alllllll along the way. "I have plans to prosper you, and not to harm you." "For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." There's a couple examples. Second, God's will for you IS BETTER THAN ANY WILL YOU COULD POSSIBLY COME UP WITH BY YOURSELF. Think of it this way. Compared to God, you are a total idiot. That's just how it is, and there's nothing at all wrong with that. What IS a problem is acting upon the idea that everything considered "good" that we put our time into is in God's will for our life. God's will is always good, but not every good thing is always in God's will for you. Just like squares are always rectangles, but rectangles are not always squares. It's a question of priorities and where you feel that God would lead you to do good works. And I cannot stress enough JUST HOW WIDE OF A FIELD there is of possibilities for the good works of God. I'm not even gonna give any kind of list, there's too many good things. So here's what it comes down to, what's important for YOU... Is there anything in your life, Mr. or Ms. "Christian", that is preventing you from doing what you believe is God's will for you? (assuming you have called out 'Lord, Lord' enough to discern that will) EVEN if it's something good, does it get in the way? Have you over-committed yourself because you want to make sure you're "doin the good stuff Christians should do"? I confess, I have over-committed myself on a number of occasions. Over the past couple months I have been doing my best to back up to the point where I am more focused on God's will for me. This is a very difficult process, I can promise you that much, but it's something you need to do just as I need to do. But hey, let's all take a quick look at a positive example, JESUS!! Jesus didn't even make it over da' hill! He was in his 30s when he was crucified, and his ministry of preaching, healing the sick, casting out demons, and doing many wonderful works was only THREE YEARS LONG!!! And yet, on the last day of his life, Jesus said "it is finished". How ever did he manage to do God's will for his life in such a short time? And he sure did a lot didn't he??? More than i've done, that's for sure. If you want to avoid the ever-so- common mid-life crisis that everyone seems to go through, I have one word of advice for you. Don't just go out and pursue whatever you think you feel like doing. Read the gospel. Find out how Jesus lived his life, and imitate his relationship with God the Father. Pray like him, follow like him. That's the only way you will be able to do AND TOTALLY ENJOY, BY THE WAY, God's will for your life. I will close with what I would personally love to hear from God, taken out of the passage of the parable of the sower. What could be better?... Matt 25:23b "Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master's happiness !" Current Mood: discontent (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, July 6th, 2004
1:53 am	1 out of...... There are almost 7 billion people in the world. Cool isn't it? You're 1 person out of 7 billion. Chances are pretty slim that the point of life has anything to do with YOU. Get used to it. There's one thing in particular that I'm really tired of right now. I'm really tired of how everybody seems to be going around making sure "they get theirs". I got news for ya, you are only 1 out of billions of people. Life doesn't revolve around you. It never has and never will. The very fact that you exist in a universe whose physical constraints by which you are bound should be a good enough clue that there's something larger than your own petty crap going on. But of course most people are too busy pleasuring themselves however they can to even attempt to step back and look at the bigger picture. Too busy sucking the life out of other people with revenge, anger, deviciveness, violence, and other childish controlling mechanisms they've learned throughout life to look at life objectively. Facts: -you're gonna die, and 80 years later nobody will care -life doesn't revolve around you and never will -it's wrong to impose on other people to satisfy your self-centered desires (see #2) -just because you have the right to life, liberty, and property doesn't mean anybody cares (and trust me, most people don't care, hopefully you find someone who does) -most people only care about your or your rights if it's convenient to them at the time - Am I in a bad mood? yeah Am I tired of people? yeah Is it partially my fault? yes, permit me to explain... Lately I have had this really bad practice creep into my mental approach to people. I have been giving people the benefit of the doubt when it comes to respect. Bad move. I would like to create a coalition of people who don't suck. If you think this is the kind of coalition for you, then please drop me a note. I will respond if you leave your email address with details about how you're just as self-centered as everyone else, SO GO MAKE YOUR OWN COALITION! And when it fails because everyone finds out that you have no stable, central purpose for anything you do, feel free to ask me why (i might even tell you!). coalitions are fun for the whole family! :-D I'ma do something else now. Current Mood: angry Current Music: Cypress Hill - Dr. Greenthumb (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, June 28th, 2004
6:05 pm	THE THOUGHTS! Well, I accidentally set my alarm for 9:30pm today rather than 9:30am. That was a bummer when I woke up, and it made me mad, because i'm REEEEALLY trying to give school a strong effort this quarter. Nonetheless, I went to subway and studied for about 3 solid hours, getting caught up on a lot of the stuff I missed out on later last week. Go me! Then I kinda poked around the apartment for a bit, and played some really good Call of Duty. I'm starting to get close to that feeling of the game where my thoughts directly translate into what happens... that point where the ideals in my mind are directly translated into gameplay with little to no unexpected differences. I like that point. I'm not quite there yet though. Just need to play more and it'll get there. Derek got a grill today!!! So my brother and Neva came over, we cooked up some burgers that she got, and had a nice little cookout, watched some simpsons, and then the movie Levity. I have to admit, the movie was very well made, and I was certainly immersed in it. Nonetheless I found it to be pointless and unfortunately semtimental, as if there is some sort of redeeming value to being comfortable with a screwed up and directionless life. I personally find absolutely nothing attractive or desirable about being directionless in life. I like knowing there's something greater to be a part of, so that kind of movie always annoys me. On the contrary I absolutely love movies like Lord of the Rings that are very epic and grandiose in their settings as well as overall conclusions. I finally got around to doing some laundry. Now I don't have to use mesh shorts for underwear anymore :-p Well, tomorrow is back to the daily grind again, so that's all for now PUNKS!!! Current Mood: calm Current Music: Unknown Artist - Track 1 (Comment on this)
Thursday, June 17th, 2004
1:57 am	what's important.... ME! Well well well, look who comes crawling back to livejournal.... me.... I have decided I have difficulty with intimacy (of any type). Obviously this is mostly an issue with the whole realm of girlfriends. It's almost as if I care about people a lot, and do a lot of stuff for others until I get to know them more well. As times goes on, or as a person gets closer to me I generally find myself wanting them to turn around and head somewhere else. Perhaps it is partially because I historically have viewed people as assets or obstacles. It's pretty difficult for me to view otherwise a lot of the time. There are few people that are able to make me think of them in other terms just by being who they are. This is particularly true when it comes to girls, because they can yank my emotional chain much better than guys can (not surprisingly). I would like to be able to view women as the people they are, but it's way more difficult than you think. Women dress themselves like they're a car or something, showcasing their "features", and then wonder why guys treat them like objects. But honestly now, it's very difficult to think of even a very nice and decent girl as something other than an asset or an obstacle when she makes her "features" the first obvious thing. Ladies, get a clue, guys want your body and if you showcase it that's all they're gonna focus on. Don't act all surprised that you can't find a good guy if you don't present yourself in such a way as to attract a good guy. Modesty goes a long way. Even a lot of guys who work really hard to be decent have a very hard time doing so, because they are bombarted daily by women showcasing themselves as little more than sex objects. Do me a favor, showcase your personality not your body. And don't worry, guys will notice you're beautiful even if you're just wearing a normal t-shirt and pair of sweat pants. You don't have to have fine silk to be beautiful. Perhaps another part of the reason why I want to push a girl away the closer she gets to me is that I haven't really met a girl that I actually want to be emotionally intimate with yet. The very fact that I can say to myself "why choose any one particular girl to be with?" makes me think that I really haven't met a girl that I click with in a good and deep way. Any girl I have wanted to date up to this point eventually becomes like an obstacle to me. That is annoying and disheartening. Maybe it's just bad luck, because I do know some girls who I simply cannot view as an asset or obstacle even if I were to try to (which i don't): Katie Lauer, Tiffany Rode, Neva Grimes. These girls are very encouraging to me, I like them all very much. Just for the record, as far as looks go, ladies. Looks are not as important as personality. No, that doesn't mean it's ok to neglect your body. The reason that guys find a thin, in-shape, and pretty girl attractive is because it shows (in some cases) that she is thankful for her body and takes care of it as she would a gift. Looks do mean something, but they should be kept at a proper priority level. Don't obsess over them, but please do take good care of yourself and be healthy! As for me, I do at times desire that close relationship with a woman. At other times it just seems like too much effort for any one at this point. At other times I really don't see the point. So I figure I'll just live life like usual until I meet a girl that I find to be very genuinely about Christ, that I like very much, and who likes me just as much in return. I find it attractive when a girl doesn't just entrust her emotions to a guy immediately, but doesn't hide all of her thoughts or play games to control everything in a social aituation. Anyways, I have a full summer ahead of me. I have full-time classes, working out to get in shapre for the Marines next summer (I plan to be an officer when I graduate and am taking steps to get there ASAP), preparing for and participating in the Call of Duty tournament through the end of July. I will also be taking leadership at the small group at our church, along with my buddy Chad. So that's a pretty darn full plate if you ask me. Sorry friends, I won't have much time to spend with y'all. I have a lot of important stuff that I really need to have as high priorities. God/School/working out/call of duty tournament/small group. That's the list, everything else comes after that, at least in the near future. Well I hope you all have enjoyed reading! good night. Current Mood: melancholy (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 19th, 2004
11:04 am	unreferenced Where to start!? Yesterday I had an excellent journal entry, and it was really nice to write some of my thoughts down. But of course as fate would have it somehow livejournal screwed up and it didn't post my whole thing, and it got erased. I was pretty pissed off, because I had my thoughts finally in a somewhat understandable wording. I am, as usual, depressed and frustrated with my current life situation. I would like to be content, but I'm not. Boredom prevails. I try to fight it, but even fighting against boredom is boring. It convinces me many times that it's not significant enough to fight against boredom, that i'm making it a bigger deal than it really is. Perhaps I give it too much credit and should ignore it? Every obligation I am currently under institutionally is a burden rather than an asset. My productivity and creativity are valuable to me, yet I am forced to spend my time doing school-related things that do not nourish eiter of them. Working at the bagel shop is FAR more productive AND mentally challenging. I do what we call "driving", which means the order taker gives me ticket after ticket after ticket and I basically make sure that myself, and 2 other people are kept busy 100% of the time in a smoothly-running assembly line. This sounds good in theory, yes (good job upper management), but in practice requires 100% focus for several hours in a row working by toasters & ovens. I'm actually the only person who can drive on a Saturday at work without getting the line so backed up that customers wait 10 minutes & get pissed off. I have to continually keep a number of things in mind, it's like a mental workout. SCHOOL IS NOT A MENTAL WORKOUT in any sense of the word. It's like trying to sharpen a knife on a sponge. Not only does it not work AT ALL, you lack anything concrete to say about it, it has no substance to it, just cushion and fluff. I hate being unchallenged. It makes life seem to lack any kind of goal worth pursuing. I was reading A Breif History of Time yesterday, and it was very refreshing, because the subject is so grand. Speaking of refreshing I hung out with Tiffany the other day, and she is the coolest. Ya know the kind of person you talk with and it's just really enjoyable and refreshing? She's like that, so that was a nice change of pace for this week. Well hopefully I won't fail to get a passing grade in Business Management 330. So far I'm doing quite terrible in it. At my current rate I'll fail, but hopefully SOMEHOW I can muster up the drive to get lucky on the next quiz & the final. I love that, how a person with a thoroughly functional knowledge of the material can get a C. That's so damn stupid. I have lots to do, so I'd better "get to work", eh? *sigh* Call me & relieve my boredom 353-9809. Current Mood: unreferenced Current Music: Anberlin - Ready Fuels (Comment on this)
Monday, May 3rd, 2004
6:26 pm	ABORTION!!!! Now that I have everyone's attention, read my journal b/c I haven't updated it in a while :-p, and please comment because all of you friends are important to me and I like to know what you think about me and in general. So... I had an awesomely fun night friday night, even though I was pretty tired and worn out before it started. My two midterms went poorly, but who cares? Do I care? Nope. I'm done caring about school, because I've decided that it would be hypocritical of me to pretend that it....... matters, is well-run, is useful to me (and to many others) in its current form, or does not teach us skewed values. I will try not to have such a depressing view of school, because that is just not good for anyone. In other words, I would feel morally uncomfortable to pretend in any way that I care about school, because I believe that many people feel exactly the same way I do about school. Though they are mostly too afraid to stray from the system, because they depend on their success to get the job they desire. I, however, am confident in my ability to do whatever job I get, so it doesn't carry the same weight for me that it does others. Anyways, you have all heard me rant about school, so I'll skip it (kinda like I do my classes! haha! ha!) Friday night was very enjoyable, all thanks to Jawn. He had won tickets from a Blitz call-in contest to the Sevendust concert and invited me to come along. It's very much my kind of music. The bands were Atoms Shift (i think), Apartment 26, Cold, and of course Sevendust. The first band I thought was quite good. The second band was too, but the vocalists style had something in it that I didn't quite jive with for some reason. Cold was very cool, but as Jawn said, they didn't interact with the crowd as much as I think would be good. Sevendust was great, and I got to crowd surf toward the end of Denial, so that was sweet. Afterwards we went and got some free Jimmy Johns subs from my buddy Jason. So we had about a $60 night for $6.50!!! Saturday was just plain packed and tiring. I did get to build a huge Lego ship with tom though, too bad I was so tired. Afterwards my parents got me to help them bring a huge massage chair into their house, after which I took it for a good test drive. It does a pretty good job. Then my parents took me out to Mongolian BBQ, where I ate tons of gooood food. I have lately been rather aloof. I wonder if I spend too much time in front of screens, and not in front of people. People talk a lot about the idea of falling in love. It's a pretty though-about thing, probably moreso than just about anything else a person can think about. To me that emotion seems so fickle, surprisingly as much as any other emotion. At least to me it seems that way. It always bothers me when people speak so highly of falling in love, almost to the point of idolizing it. The main reason this bothers me is because 9/10 people will be "in love" with someone else a year later, after telling everyone how "in love" they are with whoever they're currently with. Perhaps real love is more of a choice than a 'feeling'? This seems to me to be much more natural. At least to me, my emotions seem to come and go as they please, and there's rarely much I can do about it. You can try to make yourself feel any way you want, but that always ends up causing some kind of addiction or dependency that seems to be unhealthy. I dunno about other people, but I would personally like to be with someone who has the strength to choose to love me without depending on that emotional high to be there first. It's not hard to do things for someone when you're on an emotional high. How can "love" be so highly regarded if it is indeed so fickle as the emotion? No, I think the best kind of love is a choice, one that can be encouraged by and also encite the emotion of love, but does not depend on the emotion to be there. If indeed the best love is a choice, then it will sometimes be hard, because circumstances are just as fickle as our emotions. This makes more sense to me than any other way to think about love. The great thing about this is that love cannot be taken away from you, since it's a choice we make. But what could be better than to have others choose to love you as well, out of simple choice, and not because you compelled them to do so? I find it very nice when someone comes along with an act of kindness for no apparent reason. It makes me feel very loved, if only that happened more often. Today I went out to the end of the dam structure near our apartment. A policeman drove by while I was up there, but I layed down and I don't think she saw me. I got plenty of sun while I was up there too, listened to some music and spent time just chillin with God and hanging around. It was very relaxed. Oh man, 2 more years of school, this is aweful. I have to go study. Current Mood: thirsty Current Music: Outkast - Wheelz of Steel (Comment on this)
Tuesday, April 13th, 2004
11:05 pm	Doh the pain! So I woke up this morning in a mood crappier than the weather. For those of you who went outside today, you know that the weather was indeed quite crappy in every respect. I ate my cereal and decided that if I went to class, i would be late, wet, tired, and incredibly aggrivated. Thus I decided to go back to sleep since six hours isn't quite enough... that was at 8:30. So I awake at 1:00, making that 10 1/2 hours of sleep. Surprised, I went downstairs in a still bad mood, since I was hoping to at least make it to my accounting class. Really though I am not sure why I was so angry, but I really was. It's probably the same anger I have had toward school the past 2 years, just newly awoken. To turn my day around I decided to call my mom and set up a chiropractor appointment. My back was very much out of place and tight. So she took me there & got that adjusted. It's doing better now, but I'm still sore. Everything I do is not exactly kind to my body, so it's not too surprising. Afterwards we went shopping! I like shopping. I get stuff I need. I bought a fan so I can dry out my wet shoes. I HATE WET SHOES! There's nothing worse than getting up in the morning and having to put on wet shoes, especially when you have to bike through the rain right afterwards and sit through class wearing wet shoes. So that's nice to have. Other than that I just got some groceries & whatnot. Then we went over to Bike Source, where I bought a detachable fender for my bike. No more splattering up from my back tire! Thank God! I also got new brake pads, which I desperately need, as well as some extra innner-tubes, seeing as how I pop one about once a month. Then we went to Taco Bell, and she took me back to the apartment. After all that i was in a better mood, and my afternoon was somewhat enjoyable. I did a good amount of reading Locke's 2nd Treatise of Government, and ate some stuff. I also cleaned up my desk, which I desperately needed to do. My brother and Alkim came over at 8 to watch Kill Bill Vol. 1. It was very well made, and a good movie so far. I wasn't quite in the mood for a "kill everyone" kind of movie, but it was still good and entertaining. Certainly masterfully created by Quentin Tarantino. So today has been odd and overall very pesky. Hopefully tomorrow will be better. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, April 7th, 2004
12:30 pm	you are not special I have had a lot of cool debates and discussions recently. A lot of deep thinking has been involved, which is very good. I haven't had mentally stimulating discussions like that in quite a while, so I have been able to exercize my philosophical mind, as well as my ability to find Bible passages relating to specific ideas. I have really noticed something very interesting through most of these discussions though. Everyone seems to think that they are so special and significant, as if there's something so inherantly unique and great about them. I hate to burst your bubble, dear reader, but you are not special. I guarantee you that you overrate yourself. I sure overrate myself on a number of occasions, and I'm very sure you do too. Why are you so special? What would be so lacking in this world if you had never been born? Where does your self-worth come from? Does it come from your inherant greatness? Is it given to you in society based upon your productivity? How is it measured? These are good questions to think about, but nobody seems to think about them. Most people are too busy trying to get what they want to make room for the thought that they might not be worth all they're working to get. Think about it for a moment. Let's say there's five of you. You and four other people are all selfish. You know each other and call each other friends, because when you spend time together, it benefits you. You have fun, and you understand the benefit of a mutually supportive relationship. Nonetheless, all five of you are out for yourselves, looking to get what you want, whether it be money, pleasure, fun, security, etc. Over time, your interests WILL conflict, at which point you have to make a decision: do I take what I want, or let the other person have what they want? Well you can count on people to choose the former. This is the problem. There's one person going up against four other people to desperately try to get what they want out of life, and when times get tough, relationships get torn, because you are selfish. Of course let's not forget the second choice, to help the other person get what they want (assuming it's something reasonable). Would you rather be competing against 4 other people to claw for what you want? Or would you rather have loving friendships, knowing that 4 other people love you and are looking out for your needs? I guess James was right about 2000 years ago when he wrote a letter to the twelve tribes scattered about the nations.... "What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don't they come from your desires that battle within you? You want something but don't get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures." ..... Couldn't have said it better myself. Some of you may know that I've been trying to understand my emotions better recently, which I'm sure everyone's doing. I find that the more I tend to reach out to people, the more blatantly obvious this passage is. This has made it difficult for me to understand what I'm feeling, but I guess I shouldn't surprised in light of this wisdom. I would encourage anyone else who has continually put themselves out on a limb of love toward someone you care about to beware of this truth. You will probably get used. Do not be surprised if your love and care is not returned, because you can bet that people are thinking about themselves and not you. If you think what I'm saying is pessemistic, then I must unfortunately declare you ignorant, so think about it. So what's going on with me? Well let's see here. School started last week on Monday. My first week went well. Two of my teachers are quality teachers, ones from which I am confident that I will thoroughly learn the material (Acct. 211, and Business Management 330). My Hebrew 102 teacher is not the best of teachers for sure, but nonetheless I believe it will challenge me to step out of my comfort zone, which is definitely what I need most as far as learning a language goes. So the first week went well. My second week has started off ABSOLUTELY CRAPPY. I thoroughly failed the first Hebrew quiz, because I could not remember ANY vocab words. It's kind of hard to translate from english to Hebrew if you don't know 1/2 of the words. I was very angry. So when I got home Monday I did such a hard workout that I didn't have enough energy to be mad anymore. I hate it when I work hard for something and it totally goes sour. Anyways...... Other than that, I've been hanging out with the guys at the apartment, keeping the place relatively clean. Working out has been going well. I have already gained some strength back, and actually lost a bit of weight :-| I would prefer to be GAINING weight. For those of you who are unaware, my New Years resolution was to gain weight (in muscle mass of course). I am enjoying working out very much, because I can push myself to limits and know that I'm doing something constructive with my time. I've also hung out with Stacey, who is back from her study abroad in France. She's really cool and always fun to spend time with. I'm glad she's back. Time to get my day started. Current Music: A Perfect Circle - Sleeping Beauty (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, March 18th, 2004
12:44 am	Big things are good things Today marks a number of turning points, all for the better, and all pretty significant to me (and others in some cases). So here's how my day went. I got up at 9:40 or so, and barely had enough time to get ready for work. My stuff is all unorganized, so it was a hastle to get everything together. I worked at the Einsteins on Bethel Rd. today, which is 8 miles from my house. So I rode my bike there (which went more smoothly and unhindered than I would have expected). I was scheduled for 11-close, and got there 25 minutes early. So I ate 2 egg, bacon, & cheddar sammages for breakfast and got to work. It was a rather normal day of work, except for the different people. Also, Katie Snider came in and got food as I had invited her to do so. The great thing about the Bethel store is that it's so easy-going. Thus, I was able to sit down with her for a good 1/2 hour and talk. She is such an enjoyable person to be around. So that was definitely a high point in my day! Hopefully she enjoyed her free food and visit as well :-) Later on in the day, when I left at about 2:45, I agreed to work Thursday at 6am (that's 5 hours from now). Anyways, I rode my bike home a different (longer) route. When I got home, I was debating not working out at all, because I was quite tired. I lost the debate, and ended up lifting my normal workout which lasts about 90 minutes, and then doing some abs. I then debated whether or not to do the 3 miles hard that was planned for today. I lost that debate too, and did it. It was so cool too, because I owned it hardcore. 17:11 for 3 miles. Aboout 1.5 miles into it, I was seriously considering stopping, because I'm still being cautious of my knees. Then I prayed and asked God "should I stop or keep going?" He said, "keep at it". I thought my knees might be weakened, because on the bike ride home they were feeling sub-par. Then God put the verse into my head, "The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make his face shine upon you..." from Numbers 6:24-25. I repeated that a number of times, and after a ridiculously good run, my knees have not felt bad ONE BIT. They actually feel entirely normal, and it's so cool. Then I ate some leftover pizza, showered and started getting ready for small group. Prem came to pick me up, but he was running really late. While waiting I talked to my mom on the fone for the first time in a week. She's in California, because her dad died. I'd appreciate it if anyone could pray for my mom's side of the family. Don't worry about me though, I'm fine. Prem was sooooo wiped out, that when he got to my house, he didn't feel like driving to kinship. Instead he dropped me off at the apartment, where I figured I would hang out with the dudez. Nobody was there, so I took a nap, and when I woke up I decided to go to McDonalds. So I ran 2 miles up to the nearest McDonalds so I'd get there before it closes at 10. Then Christian came by after work and drove me home. Then we played Call of Duty for about 1 1/2 hours. This is significant, because my stamina and health are all now good enough to do a day that strenous and not hurt myself. I am on my way back to getting in better shape again, and I am very happy about it! I think I finally know how we are going to divide up units in Call of Duty now. Christian, Sean, and Jon will likely be a unit. Me, Myke, and Derek will likely be a unit. This is a huge step in working out our clan's approach to the game. Not only that, but we're all getting better at the game. The CPL posted the tournament schedule, so now we know exact times for everything, and can begin searching for hotels and making arrangements. I'm getting more excited! Any other details you'd all find boring, so I'll tell them to you personally instead of in the journal :-p Our band Simeon is planning to have our album finalized over the course of Spring Break. This is huge news here people!!!!! Check out Deebofied's journal for details on that. Time for me to get my 3 hours of sleep. G'nite. Current Mood: driven Current Music: Metallica - Master of Puppets (Comment on this)
Saturday, March 13th, 2004
11:13 pm	i reemerge, with better perspective Most of you probably don't know that my mom is in California, because her dad's health is declining. (For those of you who are drunk, mom's dad = grandpa). My grandpa has a number of health issues, mostly with his eyes, brain, and Parkinson's disease. Needless to say that's a difficult combination of troubles to work with, and he is not expected to live all that much longer. However, I am entirely sure that God won't let my grandpa slip away until it is his time. It's always comforting to know God has everything under control; makes life much less stressful. Anyways, the reason I mention this is that I am house-sitting for my parents this week (Wednesday to Wednesday). It's interesting living back at my parents' house for a little while. It's also a strange coincidence that I'm finally able to really get back into the things I loved to do before I moved out. So it's kind of like falling back into the exact same things I was doing before. However, this time I have an entirely new perspective on the things I do. It's very interesting what a difference motivation can make, even when you're doing almost exactly the same things. As many of you know, over the past couple of years I have been incredibly frustrated with school, and my overall vocational direction. It's not that I don't know what I want to do. It's more about what I have to go through to get where I want to go, and why it's not a very good way to bring me along. I feel trapped in a system that's not designed for someone like me. I know a lot of you other genius friends of mine feel the same way, and for very good reasons. Believe me, I understand. I want to be a Marine Officer and lead a deep recon unit. That's my #1 choice for a job, and that's what I will end up doing unless God wants me to do something else, in which case I will be more than happy to comply. (note: I have given up the pathetic idea that I know what's best for my life. To think that I can handle things better than the God who created me is absolute foolishness.) Nonetheless, I have been frustrated with my situation, because for all intents and purposes, I have to waste 4 of the healthiest years of my life just to be considered for the duties of an officer in the Marine Corps. This confused me, because I honestly think that God wants me to be happy and will provide me the opportunity to do what I have in my heart to do. It didn't seem as if my life circumstances were very well lined up with where I feel led to go with my life. Through this, I learned a lot of patience, but I still could not find the answer to what I was wondering. My question could have been summarized like this speaking to God, "This is what I really want to do, and not even for selfish reasons. I even think this is what you want me to do with my life. So why are you letting me go through all of this pointless crap? If you really want me to do this, then why are you letting all of these roadblocks get in the way?" That's a tough question, but it has a very interesting answer. I found it in day 22 (finally) of the book A Purpose Driven Life. It read as follows, "Much confusion in... life comes from ignoring the simple truth that God is far more interested in building your character than he is anything else. We worry when God seems silent on specific issues such as "What career should I choose?" The truth is, there are many different careers that could be in God's will for your life. What God cares about most is that whatever you do, you do in a Christlike manner." So yeah, this really changed my perspective. I never had any trouble understanding that becoming like Jesus is an awesome, desirable goal. I just had the order in my head a little bit different. Since I'm the kind of person who plans, I thought to myself "If God wants me to become like Christ, He'll put me in certain situations to make everything work out." This proved to be a frustrating way of thinking for 2 main reasons. First of all, it didn't even occur to me that God can teach me anything no matter what my circumstances. Second of all, God is more interested in my character than in what i specifically do in my personal pursuits. This is a fresh view of the verse "Seek first God's kingdom and his righteousness, and unto you all things will be given." It all makes sense now! This idea answers all of my questions, and now I have a fresh perspective on everything. I know that no matter what my actual circumstances are, that God is most interested in how I act, and what kind of person I am. I am also fully confident that God will give me my heart's desires if I seek him first, as best I can. Now I can approach school with a different attitude. It's not a useless step to get where I want to go, but instead it's an opportunity for me to show that I have joy in circumstances even when they are not discernably good, because I know God will work everything for my good out of love for me. I can also approach everything I do now with a new attitude, because whether or not a specific plan comes to fruition, I know that God has what's best for me. This is a very refreshing thing here, people. I recommend it highly. That's the short-as-a-giraffe summary of what's been mentally brooding in my mind over the past couple of years. It was a long process, but as usual, God brought me through to the other side with more insight and cool stuff than I could have imagined. Ok, so enough of the deep thinking. This weekend has been pretty cool so far. I've been able to do some hardcore working out. I love pushing myself to my limits. It's beautiful how it all works. Strain the muscles until the fibers tear slightly, and over the next ~48 hours they rebuild using digested amino acids. I also hung out with Deebo, Xian, and Jocelyn on Friday night, that was pretty fun. and several hours later, i'm off.... Current Mood: passively murderous Current Music: The Police - Every Breath You Take (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, March 9th, 2004
11:49 pm	i'll show YOU a subject...... Welcome to my journal posting. Comment on it, because it makes me look popular. So I've had a nice and sleep-deprived past couple of days. I love walking around light-headed and not remembering 1/2 of what goes on in the day! Yipee!!! For real though, Monday was pretty packed. I worked from 8-3, and on the bike ride in the morning I was just kind of in a bad mood. Mainly I was upset because I got up later than usual, and it leaves me less time to cool down after my 8-mile bike ride to work. I don't like starting off the work day sweaty or hungry. While i was next to the Scioto River though, there was a heron right on the shore. It was very beautiful, and not only that, but it began to fly as I approached. It went about the same speed as me, and we traveled together for about 10 seconds before he landed on the shore again. It was very cool, and made me think of God traveling with me. Reminds me of the fact that we can see God's beauty through his creation. I was very tired at work, but only 30 minutes into my shift Marta Snider comes in. She's a very cool girl, and so I gave her free stuff. She was happy, so was I to get to see her on a rough morning. After a dragging day of work, I went a few miles to the bike shop to drop it off for a tuneup. Then the fun part came... running 6 miles home against the wind! It wasn't too bad though, and at least I got a good run in. I went to get a quick lift in before Mike Mara came over to hang out. It went pretty well, and I'm very happy with my un-injured body. So Mike and I are both hungry, right? Right. So we go to eat at Charley's Steakery, and it totally hits the spot for both of us. So after a good chat and whatnot, we go out to mike's lack-of-truck. It had been towed. Yes, towed... at 7pm, on a Monday night, in a parking lot that's about 10% full, with no signs of anyone around that could possibly care about a car being parked in one of the several open spots. Luckily I had told mike beforehand, "dude, there's seriously no way it'll get towed. OK, if it gets towed, i will pay for it. don't worry about it." So we stopped by the ATM, right? And then mike's girlfriend Sarah, who is a great girl, came and drove us to get it back. That sucked, but I'm used to stupid it-shay like that happening to me, not like it's anything new. After that little episode, we went back and played around with some music for a while. Then after Mike had to head home, me Christian and Deebo watched 28 Days Later. It's a pretty cool movie. If anyone likes suspense or horror types of movies, I would recommend it to you, but not profusely. This morning Christian was kind enough to wake up and drive me to work since my bike is being every-so-readily tuned up. I saw Marta again. I hope she comes in regularly. That would be very cool. I gave her another free drink, and a senior discount this time. I like makin' her smile. Anyways, after she got her drink and stuff, she came back over, and had written her & her sister Katie's number down for me, and she told me that if I ever needed a ride to work or anything (in the even that I can't ride my bike for some reason) that I can call and they would work something out for me. That was so nice of her! I really like nice people who are nice like that. It's very nice. So today at work was not too bad for the rest of the day. My mom came by and took me to the chiropractor afterwards. Then we went to my apartment to gather my stuff, since I need to watch the house for a week. Then after dropping that off, we went shopping at Sams Club. I bought so much HUGE stuff, it's AWESOME. Such as 3 litres of olive oil, 1 gallon of syrup, a 15 lb. bag of rice!!! boo ya!!! Then we had dinner at Quiznos, and I set up my computer and played Call of Duty for several hours (which sucked, I was doing horrible). Aren't you tired of reading yet! later ralph nader! Current Music: System of a Down - Chop Suey! (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, March 7th, 2004
11:26 pm	Nickelstack - Chump Change So yeah, we counted up all the change between me, Derek, and Christian. Total we had about $170 of it, which is sweet. We plan to buy a mixer with it, for use in our musical endeavors. We're not quite sure how we'll work it out to who owns it, but I'm sure we'll figure it out somehow. So yeah, the rest of the day was kinda nothing in particular until church. Chris Traut talked about fasting in his sermon. It was probably the most comprehensive presentation about fasting that I have ever heard. I think I finally have an idea of the purpose of fasting. Unfortunately, I ride my bike everywhere and workout about 10-15 hours a week on top of that, which makes fasting kind of damaging to my body. Those of you who know me know that I'm always hungry. But it was very nice to learn about it nonetheless. The whole day today was pretty much smooth sailing. I feel kind of distant though, as if i'm inside of my head watching myself do everything I do. Sort of like a third person view of myself. This is not a new feeling to me by any means. It's rather odd, and I'm really not sure why it is that I feel like that sometimes. In general I have trouble with believing the reality of my emotions. I think to myself that I should be feeling more strongly than I do about certain things, but for some reason I don't feel strongly. It's confusing. I want to go to sleep, quit distracting me! Current Mood: numb Current Music: Soundgarden - Spoonman (Comment on this)
Saturday, March 6th, 2004
4:53 am	A full Friday I saw Mel Gibson's "The Passion of the Christ" on Thursday night with Rachel Downey and her mom. As a movie, I give it about an 8/10. I thought everything was quite well done, and the intent of the movie was carried out in a very powerful and captivating way. The only thing that I found to be lacking (the only real reason I don't give it a 10/10) was character development. I understand that Gibson's intent for the movie was to portray the suffering of the last hours of Jesus' life. However, the suffering portrayed would be much more emotionally meaningful to the viewers (especially those unfarmiliar with the story), if there was more time spent showing Jesus before the final events. It would give a bit more context to the suffering, and thus make it more meaningful to the average viewer. If such character development had been in the movie, I beleive it would have appeared less as a "shock effect" approach than it did; not to detract in any way from how amazingly shocking Jesus' suffering was. It would have appealed on a more personal level, which is what Jesus is all about: being personal. Nonetheless, the movie was excellent. As a person who believes Jesus' teachings and loves Jesus, I was moved by the movie (NO PUN INTENDED!!!). It's about time someone made a movie that features REAL love, and not that crappy, sappy drama you see in other movies (like Moulin Rouge). Jesus knew how to love, unconditionally. That's what amazed me most. And his actions were not based on some pathetic, desperate need for another person. He layed down his life so that we could live, and not only that, but he prayed to forgive those who were killing him as they did it (namely, everyone who has ever lived). If that's not hardcore, pure, unconditional love, then I don't know what is. There's one thing in that movie that convicted me more than anything else, and that's justice. Jesus took a stand every time he heard injustice. I LOVE the scene when he saves Mary Magdeline from getting stoned. He steps right in front of everyone, putting himself in harm's way, because that was the right thing to do. He could have been stoned along with her, but he did it anyways, because she was being unrightfully condemned and was unable to defend herself. I love that. That's awesome. I felt convicted, because I realized that I don't speak up nearly as often as I should, mainly to avoid having to deal with people's petty problems. So Friday has been a pretty interesting day given last night's heartfelt conviction about how I deal with social situations. I rode my bike up to work as usual, except the weather was actually pleasant for once. Riding in the winter is not physically more difficult. It's just a pain in the butt to manage all of the clothing and itemry thereof. So it was nice to have a nice day. Work was pretty hectic in the morning though, and when Jeff comes in at 10:00, if the store isn't in tip top shape he gets pissed off. He always gets pissed off, because it's his way of controlling people, but the store was pretty trashed due to a very busy morning (which is entirely understandable, that simply happens sometimes). Jeff had no just reason to get pissed off at the morning workers. So as soon as he started telling people off, I decided to say "Jeff, would you just chill out. There's no good reason to get so angry. You're just going to make everything more unpleasant than it needs to be, seriously." See, this is actually out of character for me. Usually I would make some sort of joke about how Jeff always gets mad, because that's my way of appearing aloof to the situation, as if I'm too good of a worker to be phased by that kind of distraction. But the truth is, Jeff's attitude bothers a lot of people, myself included, and unrightfully so. I'm glad I spoke up, it felt good, and it actually shut Jeff up pretty quick, because he knew that what I said to him was the truth. Even though he still complained, he didn't broadcast it anymore :-p. The rest of the work day was pretty normal. I had my 5th free Chipotle burrito for lunch. It was awesome as usual. I lost my cell fone on the bike ride home. It was very windy, and after I answered a call from my friend Neva, I must have forgotten to zip my pocket up when I put my fone back in. I don't know where my fone is, and I even went back after taking a nap. I searched for it, up and down the 3 mile path that it could have potentially been in. It was nowhere to be found. It is most likely that someone has it and is using it for his or her own amusement. After that little episode Kevon came over to pick me up. We went with Neva and Margaret to get some food at Chipotle, where I used my 6th free burrito coupon. That was my last one. I was still hungry, so i bought another burrito and ate it. That made me full... very very full. Then we went to the Arena Grand, because Kevon and Margaret wanted to see the passion. Neva and I were fine with seeing it again. I must admit, seeing it two nights in a row makes it very difficult to appreciate. That's the kind of movie you need to watch infrequently, because it's so intense. We also had iced cream! To top the late night off, I got home at about 1:30 and started talking with Cellamage (real name Jon) about strategies for Call of Duty. We talked for about 2 hours, and we made a lot of progress. We finally have a full understand of how each other mentally approach every fascet of the game, and have come to an agreement on how we should prepare the team for the CPL Tournament. That's a really huge step, one that most clans never actually complete. We're planning to get a server, and making sure everyone is all set up with the game by the beginning of next week. This is gonna rock, and we are all individually making a lot of progress in our skills. So there's a lot of exciting stuff going on with our clan, =BBoL= (Big Bunch of Llamas). If you're curious about the tournament, then check out www.thecpl.com Yeah, I should really get a couple of hours of sleep in before I work in the morning. So I'ma go do that. Peace y'all. Current Mood: complacent Current Music: Deep Purple - Smoke on the Water (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, March 4th, 2004
11:47 pm	It has begun. I have decided that I would like to start writing some type of journal. Upon reflecting I have realized that there are a number of very good thoughts and things that go on in my life that I don't remember as well as I ought to. In turn, that means I am unable to convey those ideas to others in an uplifting and encouraging way as well as I would like to. And thus, my Live Journal account has begun. Over time, we will see how it grows. Current Mood: Convicted (2 Comments |Comment on this)