I think it may be best I just give up on the whole "true love" thing and accept that there is nobody for me. Atleast I think Im beautiful...it doesnt matter if no one else does. I reckon Ill pursue my other passions. Ive started on a new book, this one is about an astrophysicist who accidentally invents time travel and its effects on the space time continuum. I think Im finally decided on what I want to go to school for...probably anthropology (though I still have interests in experimental psychology, biology and geology). I wonder if I can take classes for the other things even if Im not majoring in them. Perhaps I cant meet anyone because Im in the wrong sorta town. Everyone here either A.) has established a family and career or
B.) Is a highschool student
C.) Works a deadend job and seems very brainwashed

I feel I cant relate to any of them. Where are the beautiful outside the box people? Where are the artists and dreamers? Where are the people who would enjoy staying up until daybreak with me talking about philosophy and enlightenment? I feel like Im too strange for my own good. Through all my introspective delving Ive become too "far out" even for the generic hippie types. I think there is more to life than having a family, having a career, smokeing pot, watching football, drinking liquor, having sex, working a deadend job, going to school, smoking cigarettes, watching TV and all the "normal people" pasttimes. When I was at Rainbow there were beautiful people I could relate to but you just dont have that in Babylon...there were vegetarian meals 24-7, firepits, meditations, yoga, people to stay up with till daybreak and talk about philosophy and then meditate while sitting on large stones with. Everything was barter system. I feel so disillusioned by the "real world" now that Ive seen an "ideal world" I just dont feel like its for me ya know?
I dont like to watch sports, or go to noisy bars, or eat processed food, or eat meat, or watch women strip on stage, all the normal alpha-male "guy" stuff seems so fake and uninteresting to me. Ive accepted that Im not that type of guy and society brainwashes us to be that way but Im having such a hard time finding people that will accept me for me. I have just as hard a time relating to those guys as I do the "normal" girls. I dont like doing the masculine stuff or the feminine stuff. I like doing the stuff that uses both sides of the brain. I would rather go mushroom hunting than to a noisy bar or shopping. I would rather camp in the middle of nowhere than tailgate.

Man, I just dont know what to do other than pursue my passions, write, study things I like. Ive picked up many new hobbies since I realized I had no real enterest in my old hobbies...those were just my friends hobbies and I did em because had people to do em with.
I wish there was a female version of myself because Id probably love her...shed probably end up being a lesbian though, most beautiful girls who share my interest are.

I want to be with someone whose not an abortion-addicted whore but not a brainwashed christian either. You wouldnt BELIEVE how hard that is to find this day in age!
I can paint a portrait of my ideal lover but I cant pull her out of the aether into existance. I could write her in a novel but Ill never meet her. I mean there are some people whove got the looks but not the personality, or I have lots in common with them but they dont have the looks or they have the personality but Ive got nothing in common with them. I want to find someone with all three traits. Someone friendly with high cheekbones. A vegetarian who likes to travel. Dark brown hair and adventurous.

When I was little I used to fantasize about makeing my ideal girl...or that perhaps shed be an alien who could take whatever form I desired and come to me oneday and wed live together a spacestation. She was cheerfull and petite and had dark hair and light skin with a cute face was how I envisioned her. Very animated. I like high energy people because they give me energy. Id like to meet someone who'd be content just cuddling on the couch and would make out with me at 3 am. Someone who wouldnt scoff at my geekier interests like anime and science fiction. Someone whose not a compulsive drunk / druggie but would still enjoy dropping acid with me. I dont like girls who do drugs like coke, meth and speed...they are too tense! I also dont like girls who think hash, acid and mushrooms are evil. Im not a druggie...I only do the stuff maybe a couple times a month, but Im not a straightedger either. No one seems to be middle ground anymore...its all a bunch of extremists.

No one ever thinks for themselves...they pick from two options that society lays before them.
Obama or Mccain
Coke or Pepsi
Career or deadend job
dog or cat
drugs or no drugs
liberal or conservative
I so badly right now want anyone to hang out with who thinks for themselves...even plutonic friends and male friends, not just potential girlfriends. Im very displeased with society as a whole.

I suppose I dont need perfect friends to perfect myself and maybe if I perfect myself perfect friends will follow....but the idea of that even sickens me. I dont want to become godlike to draw worshippers. I just want real, down to earth, no-bullshit, thinking for themselves friends. I just cant seem to meet anyone like that!
All the people I know are meat eaters, liquor drinkers, cigarette smokers, gamblers, blindly religious, angry, sports watchers, fast food eaters and into all this stuff that Im just not into. They arent willing to change either, and I cant force anyone to change. Where do I find people like me though? Do I need to move to frikkin Oregon or something?

Current Mood: depressed

First, an experience with calea zacatechici from last night:

I drank two tall glasses of iced tea. I find the iced tea to be much more tolerable to drink, even borderline refreshing. I chugged them down, smoked a bongrip of kush and finally fell asleep. I woke up rather frustrated, not remembering any dreams, but I patiently laid back until I realized I could just close my eyes and immediatley enter them. I saw the stars and all these spaceships flying by.. Onetime I noticed everytime I closed my eyes and entered "the dream" state I would still be where I was but I would hear aloud BUZZZ noise, like either an electrical current or a buzzsaw off in the distance then Id wake up to see if I left the radio on or something (since i was fully consciouse of my dreaming) and there was no sound...ten Id sleep and the buzz would come back. I assumed it was somekinda ambient current I could channel through my body. I had a dream where I took somekinda bizarre test that would cause me to journey across several plains of existance. I started out in the classroom, found a seat in the back near my buddy, he motioned me away to sit at the other end of the table. I then noticed all the tests were different mine said " a test of biology" but others said "chemistry" "history" "algebra" etc.
The teacher told us to wait before starting and 5 minutes later he said familiarize yourself with the packet. Im like "well you coulda told me that" and start reading the packet, then answering questions. I finally get to a question that has me read a story and when I read the story Im transported there. It is in central America, mexico probably about a young boy on a farm. They grew peanuts among other things and they also grew mango melons and while delicious they were the only unwanted crop.I dont remember the rest of it.
I then read another story and I was transported to an area with three other students, all girls. we were all given different books. When we opened them though we ENTERED the book. I recall entering a strange fairytale world in the woods with a creepy guy dressed shakespearean but with a mutated face, green hair, pointy fingernails, kinda like ledger's joker cept taller and more sinister. He said strange things like " Those who can see are those who will be" and "Everything is an illusion; An understanding of age". I got transported to several otherplaces including a demonic carnival.
Afterwards we were all transported somewhere else, to a bus with no seats where we were all on the floor. The books were now smaller, 1 1/2 inches tall and 1 inch wide, maybe 1/2 thick. I talked to them about my experience and they said they had the same; but different. The instructor lady told us to throw the books out the windows because she wouldnt be able to digest them, and they wouldnt shrink as easily as the rest of us.
I woke up.

Later I entered another dream where the Shakespeare-Joker came back. First I was hanging out with these two girls, eating reeses. I remember an airplane, powerlines and a cheapo hotel room. One wall dissapeared and there he was in the forest speaking nonsense again.


Conclusion:
-Not a good aid for lucid dreaming, as it is not conducive to the state and the dreams are too realistic and intense.

-AN INVALUABLE tool if you want to have dreams that rival any book or movie in their intricacy, or are a writer an need subjects.

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First of all, some notes on matter in the dream world:
Matter is composed entirely differently, what is "solid" may not be completely solid afterall. Blades of grass tend to all look the same, but be angled differently. Gravitational pull and weight can be changed while mass remains the same. Physics still apply here; but they can be tweaked at will. I compare lucid dreaming best to the practice of magick in the wakeing world.


-------------------------------------------
I delved into a completely profound lucid dreaming experience on 9/9/8.
Right off the bat I knew it was a dream as I still remembered falling asleep. During the whole thing though I felt intoxicated; as if I was on a ganja food trip.
I instantaneously changed my bodily composition so I was lighter than air and started to float; as I moved through the ceiling of the room and travelled through seemingly solid matter I would feel it's vibrations all throughout my innards. It felt like a tingling, like a heebie jeebie tingle down the spine feeling, but at the core of myself on every level.
I reached the familiar "wall". As soon as I stop believing I can float I drop, if I keep believing I reach the wall. Once I hit the "wall of stars" I get catapulted along it(this has happened several times) and I can feel winds rushing past me and everything and I land at another place. This time I landed in the southern part of the northern american continent; other time however Ive landed as far away as southwestern asia. I will continue my experiments and see if I can use my theories on real world solar and orbital mechanics with dream world applications.
I experimented with summoning a person but Ive only been able to summon this person once. If I want something too much, or dont believe I "can" make it so, then I cannot make it so. I also managed to change a bag of pills to pot.
After "hacking" this dream and completely destroying the script and plot I reached a glitch, I reach glitches every so often; both in the wakeing world and the dream world.

I did my normal levitation thing but just let it "keep going" until it wouldnt go anymore. its a kind of "letting go". Usually in a dream we cling to what we feel must happen, certain "rules" but similar to letting go of a balloon full of helium I let go of my definition of reality and the whole world crumbled around me. I instantly felt like I was in some sorta wind tunnel, where I just spun and spun with space around me and I felt this wind against me. I still knew I was dreaming and wondered what was happening to my physical body to make me feel like I was spinning. I blew snot from my nose and there was ants in my mucous(in the lucid dream). I was able to make matter appear out of nowhere too.

In this glitch I felt like my whole body was spinning or in a wind tunnell of somesort like I was rolling down a nonexistant hill, and I was spinning up in the air. I was convinced I mustve been on some sorta psychedellic even before I fell asleep to do this and still felt intoxicated when I woke up.

She seems very creepy agressive and desperate on the phone. Im sure she is ATLEAST 10 years older than me if not 20. I think coffee is inocent enough, but I still dont wanna give her the wrong idea. Perhaps Ill tell her Im already involved with someone. I really hate to lie, but I dont think its such a terrible thing when its done to spare someone's feelings. She seems like she'd be the kinda creepy stalker lady who'd hide outside my house, want me to move in with her after the first date and shit like that. Im also lead to think that she s either a prostitute, married(and looking for an affair), mentally handicapped or a crack dealer; seeing as how she says she doesnt work.

Ive been getting hit on by all these cute younger(14-20) girls lately; perhaps Ill ask one out so I dont have to lie about being involved. Of course no one under 18, Im not gonna get into that mess. Itd be nice to go out with someone cute.

Can anyone blame me for not wanting to go out with a creepy 30-40 year old?

If she's got a field of pot I might give her a chance.

It seemed like the exact moment saturday turned into sunday everything went into shit as a prelude for a horrible week. On saturday I got lovely smiles from pretty girls and someone traded me the shit that killed elvis for a 5 dollar stone that was in my pocket. I also got all the free beer I could drink.
Then midnight rolled around and I got lost walking, lost my glasses SOMEWHERE and had to wait till daylight to see well enough to drive. I just got those glasses not even two months ago as I always break/lose them. All jewelry too, its not just confined to glasses, I lose watches, bracelets, necklaces, rings; most often within a month of getting them. The only way I hang onto that stuff is if I never wear it. I mighta left my specs in someone's car but have no way of getting ahold of that person.
Ive got no money and its taken a MONTH for this background check to complete! I need to work NOW damnit!
To put the shit iceing on the shit cake one of the items I sold on ebay and shipped never made it to its destination and I threw away the shipping reciept.

I feel like it might be therepeutic to hurt somebody.

Fuckit, life is like an itchy suit that never fits right no matter howmuch you adjust it and the only escape from that suit is death.

Even my dreams have ceased all pleasantry.

I feel much more at peace now than I was over the past couple of months. I was under alot of stress but Ive stopped letting it get to me. Everything is much better now. Shit always happens but you dont always have to let it get to you. Ive been haveing great dreams lately. I got this stuff called Calea Zacatechichi and it is a dream inducer. Ive got plans for all these herbal holistic tonics. So far Ive come up with recipes for:
Psychic energy booster
Concentration formula
Sleep assist
Muscle regeneration
Magick booster
Energy booster
Anti-cancer
Anti Headache
Detox
Pain reliever
Euphoric
Anti-parasite
anti-muschle aches
anti-anxiety
anti-diarhea
laxative
anti-sinus infection
meditation enhancer
sexual enhancer
stomach reliever
appetite increaser
and more.

Id market them all, but the key ingredient in some happens to be illegal. Hopefully this will change in the next few years.

Ive been riding my bike alot lately and only driving maybe once every two weeks, its very much a meditation for me and a good excuse to get out of the house.

Im really not sure what to do in this situation. I hate to be superficial but I got asked out by someone who there is no possibillity that Id ever be physically attracted in. Id still like to be friends though, and think Ill take her up on her offer to be nice; Im just worried about her getting the wrong idea. As mean as it sounds there is ugly and then there is ugly. Id still mess around with someone who was a 3-4 in my book(and regret it), but a 0-2 is just...I mean no one would do that. There are lots of unattractive people who could put on a little makeup, work out a little and dress sexy and look good but there are some people who are beyond help aesthetically. I want to be with someone who; if I messed around with them when I was drunk Id STILL be attracted to them in the morning. Im not in the business of using people either.
I really do wish I could find her attractive, shes very nice; but as I said there are some people that no matter how much you try to look at them at the right angle or see them for their personality you are never going to be physically/sexually interested in them. She had no chin(a cliff chin), chubby cheeks, eyes 2 mm apart and a beak. Her body was shaped like a pear, skinny up top, chunkier at the bottom, but her ass was miraculously flat. She had a yellowish white tan and red/pink/black rings around her eyes. There are people who will have those features to a much lesser degree that are OK in my book...but I could just NOT find her attractive ever, and there are plenty of better looking girls who are already into me.

Im sure there are lots of other guys whod be attracted to her, even taller, more physically fit guys with better faces. She just seemed so nervous and akward when she came up to me that I didnt want to reject her right off the bat.

There were plenty of girls there who I found VERY attractive, that would smile at me or say hello; and it really made me reevaluate why I dont ask people out or go out of my way to meet people anymore....if I just "Wait around for someone to be interested in me" Im not going to find the person Im -really- attracted to, but Id just be with them out of lazyness and lack of motivation which are personality traits Im trying to break. I probably couldve gotten a date with atleast 3-4 of them. Shoulda, coulda, woulda. There will be plenty of time and oppurtunity to meet someone later anyway. Perhaps this is just a motivation that was needed.

( You are about to view content that may only be appropriate for adults. )

It was something so simple as the sound of crashing waters
the inviting hands on tree limbs reaching out to me
ready to embrace all of my past transgressions
I was in that instance at home in space and time
I didnt quite know what it was, but I did it well
Im sure I could do it again, if I went through hell
Say happyness has a smell; to get through heaven
You must go through hell; I cant do that now
not here; analyzing the dream world
reaching out for free fear
who was it that said that, whoever it was
for an instance stopped my doubting
You froze me in my tracks
Now cool waves crash along rocks; flow of rushing waters
Now is the time for sustanance, magick in the minds of the people
I feel refreshed, I feel rejuvenated, everytime of you I drink
Everytime of you I think; the distance makes my heart grow fonder
She was the most splendid of Earth's daughters
Yet she stopped me in my tracks, made me stop and realize
that true love lay in the holder's eyes
the magick is in the mind's of the people
so they say, as young men turn old, and old men turn grey
cool waves crash along side rushing waters
and call forward heaven's daughters
to open the gates and let -sunshine- in.
To play golden instruments and ward off SIN
I cant tell you why I do it, but I do it well
I cant tell you how I got here, but I went through hell
Hell is in the eye of the beholder yes
One may run from a boulder as mind's eye's bless
The old men get older and the young go grey
such happyness is forsaken, death calls fourth a day
when all men can stand equal in the judgement of heaven's daughter
when all daughters can be prequel, to old women standing test of time
and yet it all seems pantomime, these cool waves crashing alongside
rushing waters....


II.
Green was the love of mine enemies
green the cool spring summer's drink

crystal springs jut fourth and beckon
calling one to scry in their pools

Trust not the judgement of my enemies
Lest only the blind's eye may see

Set free o the prophet who wander
Set free o the mind's lust not for light

Take the time to pander
Take the time for love's last flight

Jim H -deceased
Abby - deceased
Guitar Steve - deceased
Schaun - deceased

Ill update this part as I remember:
Alive(to my knowledge) but lost touch-
Jesus, Emily, Stephanie, Alta, Gutter Mike, Veronica, Carol, Ghost, Taylor

Man...and I miss my friends from Denver, Rock Springs, the gathering, the busses, the '05 gathering, old school bridge crews(04, 05, 06, 07), high school,

I always make new friends...I just cant help but miss the old. Even moreso than lost items I miss the people Ill probably never get to see again. Its usually my favorite people that end up never being seen again. There are people around me now who Id miss if I never saw them again though. I wish I could go back in time to spend more time with them though.

Things just dont seem to be working out. I kinda just wanna kill myself at this point. Im really not sure what exactly to do. I feel like life is a sham and the whole thing has fallen apart and no one can save me at this point.

Ugh....I just dont know what else to do.