i want

not to be vindictive
not to be a bitch
not to be pathetic
not to be weak
not to be jealous
not to be angry
not to be waiting, waiting, waiting
not to have an addicition for difficult situations.




this will take time.
and in the end, you will not be a part of it.

1. How To Be Useful by Megan Hustad




2. Coming To Terms by Carolina Liar

3. What Happened to Anna K. by Irina Reyn



4. L'auberge Espagnole



5. Agony and Irony by Alkaline Trio

what do you do when the lines between just friends or more get blurred?


there doesn't seem to be a smart answer to this.
and its the story of my life.

ARPD starts tomorrow. in-service training for two days with the other 80 members of the staff and then on tuesday, i get to officially find out my staff and park assignment. im pretty sure im gonna be disappointed, but in the beginning, i always am. it does feel like im cheating on borders though. god knows, im going to miss my friends there, since im only going to get to see a few on weekends now.

seven day work schedule! YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYY.
not.



but warped this saturday!!!!!!!!!!

i just checked it out/finished it today.
amazing.

a real story of a slutty girl making a recovery and facing her addiction to sex, power, and using it to forge connections with people she never really cared about.

and it kinda makes me feel better about my situation :/

i am hoping to get my new baby in the mail::






isn't she gorgeous?

and once i get her, i was thinking about splitting my lj into a photoblog.
with random shots with everything i see everyday.
i think it might open up my possibilities since i ditched deviant art years ago.


im going to meditate on this.


p.s. ECONOMIC STIMULUS CHECK! 300! WOOOOOOT.

"I worry about soybeans invading Chicago."


i was thinking about livejournal and how much i missed it, some two years hiatus i took from it, and you know what? i dont care what other people say, blogging is a fantastic outlet for everything. billions of people do it everyday, sharing everything from parenting tips, personal escapades, stock tips, recipes, and health advice. its a way for people to connect, regardless if they know each other.

i just got an itch in my fingers and decided to use some of the energy that my two jobs and school dont already use up, in part to rest my racing mind.

lets see, since i graduated, ive been attending SFSU, working at Borders in downtown San Francisco, and trying to stay afloat.
nose pierced.
hair cut and blonde.
but everything else is pretty much the same.

My whole life has become basically working at the bookstore, sadly. I was hired almost a year ago, to what i thought was to be my dream job, being as that my forte is literature, but i soon found out that little differs from such a corporate organization as it does any other outlet of retail merchandizing. at first it was fine, i didn't even mind that they put me in charge of the kids department, since id had all that experience working with kids, parents, and families through the parks department, but i soon came to realize that it was overwhelming. i am still the only person who works the section, after a year of promises that they would find someone to come back there to help me out to split all the work the monster of a section needs or to take my place, in hopes of me moving somewhere else, but nothing has been done. On a whole, its nice to be so knowledgeable about one specific part of the store, but at the same time, its so demanding, and im pretty sure that no other bookseller at our store has to bust their ass just to finish a days work like i do, excluding members of the merch team. i mean, even the ipt team (our stockers and pullers) get some kind of leeway, and double as regular booksellers when they're needed, so at least they get a break from stocking shelves. I, however, am basically sentenced everyday to cleaning up after mindless customers who spill everywhere, destroy the products with no regard, and allowing their crumbgrinding children to run like savages throughout the store, with absolutely no sense of discipline.

As of right now, for the second time in six months, i am the only member of the staff that has to bust their ass when it comes to a section-only relay (meaning we're moving sections, reassigning categories, and rearranging shelves). i was given the project of taking apart our independent reader sections (chapter books for little kids, 7 to 13) and doing the new corporate ordered shift and reallocation of binc stickers. for those of you who have no idea what is involved for this type of thing, ITS HUGE. i have to take all the product off the shelves, check stickers individually, reshift shelves, and try to fit old and new product into the same area.

this is usually put into the jurisdiction of the IPT team, our stockers, since they can do it way early in the morning, when the store is closed, and can spread everything out on carts. i didn't get this type of courtesy, just some supervisors that told me it had to get done, it was overdue, and i have to work on it everyday, all day, until its finished.


im freaking exhausted. and this project will take me the rest of the week.

i realize that some of my complaints are pretty much only bookseller relevant, but im sure everyone i know can identify with the feeling when people ask more of you than you're able to handle for shitty pay and you feel shittier when you cant deliver.

on a side note::
does anyone know how to readjust a nose ring so that the bottom bar side doesn't constantly stick out? i think i need to get a new stud and i wont have this problem.

also, i need a new city. where should i move?

as you might notice, or not, my posts have become more and more spread out. although much of this is in my control as to the time i could spend being a frequent reader and writer as i once was, alas, myspace seems to have completely taken over my blogging spectrum.

and yet, i was wondering: why did i stop posting?

and i figured out the answer. in the end, my high school minor dramas wont matter. and it makes it worse if i write about them. im in a group of girls. shit is bound to go down. you can't avoid it. and if i write my opinions, they flip. as sad as it is, its true.

now i could halfassedly come in here everyday, and write nonsense about the latest crazes and my love for microwave popcorn, but who i be kidding? it would be naive to think that people would read it and think "wow. this girl is deep. i think i want to read about her tiny life every chance i can."

so i've decided to take a sabbatical. from livejournaling, from divulging personal stories, from anything that might have meaning to me and no one else. ill mess with my layout on myspace and try to ward of the creep-os that what to make me their latest catch and do everything else that will lead up to graduation in june.

so in the realm of nonsense: i ordered some vans off of the vans.com site a few weeks ago, and im still impatiently waiting for them to arrive. yay for custom orders.

and im being expected to make the decision of where i see myself next august. here, sf, with the better half of alameda at sfsu, or in long beach, away from comfortablity, some place new. and just looking at appartments scares the fuck out of me.

and i need to ask him to prom.

for allison and anyone who wants it::(left click and then save the link as so that you can download the song)

Me First and the Gimme Gimmes - Life Is A Caberet

that on sundays my dad likes to watch old french movies that make absolutely no sense.

i think the library should permit only one weird movie a week.
because hes starting to think hes james bond or something.

so i lost him.
his excuse was that he needs someone that goes to his school.
and thats complete bullshit.
what a valentines day.

oomicheoo6: oh was the talk good?
frapucinoluver: yeah it was
frapucinoluver: venting is good
oomicheoo6: yea thats always a good thing
oomicheoo6: but not always
oomicheoo6: lol
oomicheoo6: when drunk bad idea
frapucinoluver: HAHAHHAHAHHAHAH
frapucinoluver: very true

lilred512: i saw th comment i was the server would have still been busy
lilred512: it was gram
lilred512: ewww
frapucinoluver: what did he say
lilred512: he wanted to know how school was and something else but i just clicked out of there
frapucinoluver: hahahha
frapucinoluver: awww
frapucinoluver: you're such a hottie
frapucinoluver: hahahahhaha
frapucinoluver: you need to play the field
frapucinoluver: obviously, the field wants to play you
frapucinoluver: so go with it
frapucinoluver: ;-)
lilred512: ewwww
lilred512: hell of funny

hahahhahahahhahahahahahahhahah

so im here. im journalism. once again trying to do paste up for the feburary paper.

i recommend you guys read it this time because im writing an opinion piece on what 18 year olds are now legally allowed to do as a student. it'll explain the school's stance on personal rights. WOOT. como se dice EXPOSE?! hahahahha

mmmm im listening to flipsyde and its making me angry and happy simultaneously.
its about as black as i get.

and im so juiced that i have an offical valentine this year. man its been wayyyyyyyyyyy too long.

that reminds me, i need to call natalie and brief her on everything. eeeeeee.
im slackin on the best friend front..

the bad news of today was that i went with michelle to go check on the panic show and it turns out its been sold out for a while. wAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. thats kinda depressing. but then again i just saved like 30 something bucks. meh.

today actually wasn't that bad of a monday. especially since i was on my period. but i stayed happy pretty much all day. other people were having one helluva time with today but it seems like i kinda just floated along. weird.

hahahahahahha i was hella thinking about updating today too. damn sara, good lookin' out.

ok so update update update.

hmmm i got back from chicago and it got kinda hectic. ive been having problems with julia, which i think we resolved and then all the shit gets dreged back up again. i really think we should take remedial classes on how to be nice to each other. everyone in this small town could use that class.

but yeah lets see::
i have a new love interest. his name is justin and he goes to st. joes. its really sad but i met him on myspace. man its kinda scary because ive never met him before (we're gonna meet on the 16th at his school's talent show where his band will be playing). but then again it reminds me of the olden days when people would send love letters to each other and then published entire journals about it. its so nostalgic and pre-technology. im just so juiced about it because he just seems so right. he loves his music and is hella sweet and witty. my biggest fear is that im building it up too much and then when i meet him it'll be a big let down. im just going to try not to think negatively about it. everything will be fine, right?

its amazing how much of my time myspace has sucked up. its a cult i swear.

ok so the bad part of my update: about a week and a half ago my dad had a heart attack scare. he went into the hospital for two days. i was freaking out, and couldn't focus for shit. my life seriously came all into focus. luckily, it turned out to be something less serious than a heart attack, but it freaked my entire family out. we really thought hed be around forever, constantly annoying us with the bad jokes of his, and so when he wasn't, the house had a new feeling of cold to it. i thought about everything. this really is my last year here. im leaving to find new people and a new scene. i have to make things as right with my friends as possible. i dont need nay sayers and people that bring me down. i've decided not to deal with all the high school bullshit anymore. if you dont like it, leave.

anyways.
on a less serious note.
i bought some hair color today. a lightish honey brown. im thinking i might dye it tonight.
and im going to two concerts in the near future::

place date bands
SJND Talent show 2/16 The Deloreans

The Academy is.. and Panic! At The Disco 3/7 The Academy Is, Panic! At The Disco, Acceptance, hellogoodbye

Taste Of Chaos 3/28 Atreyu, Thrice, Story Of The Year, deftones, thursday, as i lay dying,silverstein, dredg, and like 6 other bands.

IM HELLA EXCITED!!!!

but ugh tomorrows monday.

p.s. i bought the new yellowcard album. im a bit sad that theres not much violin anymore. le sigh.