Behind Blue Eyes

Sometimes it's good to just be ALONE.

...And by alone, I mean single. Surrounded by my greatest friends and supporters, but independent. For the first time in my life I am comfortable being a single girl, and I am so proud of who I am and what I can be without anyone else's influence. I'll date again when the opportunity presents itself, and otherwise I will be floating blissfully, unattached.

I love getting to see my friends grow up, yet still be the same as they always were.

But Andrew most of all. His vascillation and struggle for pursuing his passions tended to be worrisome in high school, but seeing him now is such a wonderful thing. He'll be awesome and famous, for all the right reasons. Even now, I see more talent and passion in him than I already had recognized in high school, and it's fascinating.

I'm glad to know him.

Being in my first serious relationship is throwing me in and out of emotional balance in a way that is showing me my true mental strengths and weaknesses. It feels like slowly all my hang-ups are starting to unravel and rear their ugly heads. Partially, because, as Sean says, I let my guard down around him, and also because I feel very self-indulgent of late. While recently these issues have become a point of difficulty between us, I think that once I can recognize what drives my petulant behavior, I can try to correct it...especially for the person I love.

In the past day, I recently came to the startling conclusion that most of my stubbornness arises from the fact that I "hate being told what to do." I learned to react against anyone whom I thought was trying to push me into things against my will in high school, when I often felt pushed into activities by my parents and my brother. Now, I've become very adamant about being independent...often on the stupidest issues. Anytime I feel imposed upon my someone else, I react viciously by getting scarily quiet and maybe a bit emotionally manipulative. I think I have to be able to get rid of this stubborn reaction. I mean, it's important to think independently, but not to punish others for suggesting something.

Because of these weird reactions, I could tell that more and more half of me was struggling to drive Sean away. Like, I can't accept the fact that our relationship would be calm and balanced and that nothing was going wrong to become an obstacle. So I feel like I manifested my own emotional problems and personality incompatibilities so that I could create some drama. Jeez, I thought I was sane and rational, but a lack of ability to fully open up is causing me to do stupid things to good people.

He suggested that we have all the serious talks necessary to our well-being as a couple, but learn to bounce back from that into all sorts of fun...otherwise we'll be a dramatic couple. I see that pretty clearly now, and see that I need to work on that. Yet, I already feel some of my hang-ups going back under the surface, and my emotions relaxing, after we had a great romantic night together. I think we finally got back to the joyful point we were at before, and abandoned any difficulty or doubts we may have been having.

I really want this to work out, and if it's my stupidity that is the only problem, god...I'll never forgive myself.

I am finally starting to relax into winter break. I was worried that I'd go crazy with all the free time, but I'm making myself just soak up the relaxation. Why stress out when I don't have to? I shouldn't worry so much about my future or my obligations when I'm on a BREAK!!! So, I'll just finish the projects I want to, and maybe do a little bit of necessary work, such as administrative MEDleys works, working on an arrangement, recording/practicing for Spring Sing and tentative summer internship planning (I think I'll be in L.A. this summer!)

Leaving school on a good note means that I'm at peace with the UCLA half of my life, instead of having it be a burden I'm ignoring, like last winter. Instead of dreading my return, I'm planning out further steps for success and measuring my prospects (without becoming too obsessed, I assure you). I usually worry so much about boys and my lack of accomplishment in that...er...area, but some things I've learned this quarter have showed me that I don't have to worry about it too much. If I just relax and keep my eyes open and my head up, opportunities are bound to show themselves.

Yeah, confidence!

WE FUCKING BEAT 'SC.

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

OK...now back to paper-writing and being annoyed by/with freshmen...

The only time I feel unhappy anymore is when I let myself lose sight of what I have. I spent a long time taking my life for granted and focusing on the parts of my life that weren't perfect. Now that I have found my niche at school, I can see how much I have to be thankful for (yeah, whatever, I know Thanksgiving already passed...). Perhaps it's because I've begun to understand what I'm capable of accomplishing and what I really need most to stay happy.

The only things that are threatening to pull me under are Christmas break and the big "B"...boys. Last year, Christmas break was a respite from the misery of college, but now I feel like I'll be wrenched out of a busy and fun existence and stuck in stagnation. Not that I don't enjoy Camarillo- I like my family and my friends are there- but I don't want to let myself get bored. When I get bored I invariably become unhappy. So, I need a way to keep my mind busy. There will be books, movies, sleep, cooking, music and friends, but I need some specific pursuit. I'll have to choose what my project will be. If it comes down to getting a temporary winter job, then so be it. I need the money anyway.

And then there are the boys. Right now, I like somebody because he's convenient and cute. I could live without him, but I'm choosing not to. This is because if I don't latch on to this impossible dream, that part of my life will be an unfilled void. And unfilled voids are the things that make me stray into the territory of ingratitude. This crush is most likely another mistake on my part: he's too young, too immature, too uninterested, too aloof. Like always. But he's cute, flirty and lives down the hall from me. How can I back down? More to come on that front...

It makes me wonder if I should have kept things up with "first date" man. But, I think for the most part I had to quit while I was ahead for once in my life. It certainly has given me a boost in confidence...

Best/Worst of my week:

Best new obsession: Still flirting. New episodes of Dexter, and maybe Curb Your Enthusiasm...
Best (favorite) song: "Put Your Records On" by Corinne Bailey Rae
Worst emergency: Having to write 7 pages of a research paper in one night.
Worst task: Paper-writing.
Best task: Going to this AMAZING Master Class for voice majors where I saw brilliance at work...It was one of the most musically enlightening experiences of my life.
Best food eaten: Mr. Noodle last night...mmmm chow mein!
Worst dream: I had a creepy one but it was solved by something really cool involving Kevin Spacey.
Best conversation/quote:

Yvonne [in heavy Asian accent]: I have no way get home for Thanksgiving.
Sarah: How is Bryan getting home?
Yvonne: He fry home!

Best outfit: flowy skirt, tank and lots of lei's for the Beta tropical party on Thursday night.
Best hope: To progress in my flirting skills, get an A on my paper, and have a successful weekend.
Worst blonde moment: I have so many that I can't narrow it down...

Best/Worst of my week

Best new obsession: Actually flirting.
Best (favorite) song: "Right Here" by Staind
Worst emergency: Having my date come over to watch a movie. I'm not gonna lie...I flipped out a bit.
Worst task: Boy troubles. Trying to get up the motivation to write 2 papers.
Best task: Cuddling. Looking damn hot for "Disco Inferno" and enjoying some free shots.
Best food eaten: Delicious cheese ravioli at the dining hall.
Worst dream: Before my first date I had a nightmare that I took too long to get ready and pissed him off, and then I woke up really really stressed out.
Best conversation/quote:
A really good+long phone convo w/ sara, some flirtatious ones on my date, and this one:

Alisa- "Why are there no hot people at this school?"
Me- "Well...we go here!"
Alisa- "You mean we repel them?!"
Me- "No...I meant...oh well..."

Best outfit: Disco Inferno- black halter, miniskirt, gold earring and belt and big hair.
Best hope: To get all my homework done, to get the tutoring job for high school students ($10-20 an hour!!), to hone my flirting skills and be all-around hot!
Worst blonde moment: Probably too many to remember...


So, in the past week I've learned that I have the ability to be attractive to guys. Didn't really notice it until this year...I swore that guys didn't really find me that hot. But, apparently I have my moments (sadly, they usually involve party clothes, wild makeup and whiskey), what with hot guys at frats, and the silly freshmen boys on my floor. I was drunkenly told last night by a freshman that all the guys on the floor "said I looked really hot" in my outfit. Not sure what to make of that, but if it's not a confidence-booster, I don't know what is. I'll try not to abuse my new "power" (not that I would know how) but it's kind of cool to see myself in a new light. Like...I'm an actual beautiful, sexy woman...

Hahaha....yeah, right. ;p

Best new obsession: Fluffernutter sandwiches, thanks to my roommate
Best (favorite) song: "Best I Ever Had" by Vertical Horizon
Worst emergency: Slamming my finger in the bathroom door, not having a place for the MEDleys party, trying to cram for midterms, not having anywhere to eat after the f-ball game
Worst task: Trying to plow through an English essay that was never going to be presentable
Best task: A great Halloween party, seeing Shana drink for the first time, relaxing after a midterm
Best food eaten: Mr. Noodle after a looong day at the football game
Worst dream: Hmm..none that I remember
Best conversation/quote: "Hello. You have won one million dollars. To redeem this, please call (805)216...."- somebody calling me from my brother's phone with a really mechanical voice...
Best outfit: Frilly green shirt and black skirt for salsa
Best hope: Ah! To not fuck up a possible "blind" date, to have a MEDleys party this weekend, to persevere on my two upcoming papers, to get into the classes I want for next quarter
Worst blonde moment: Ripping the skin off my finger in a drawer while drunk/slamming another finger in a door while sleepy. My hands look so beaten right now...

Wow...it's been a long time since I updated. I wish I had more time/motivation for LJ...

Best/Worst of my week:

Best new obsession: The show "Dexter"!!! It's about a forensics specialist who helps solve serial murder cases...and he's a serial killer on the side. It's gooood.
Best (favorite) song: "Jack's Lament" from The Nightmare Before Christmas
Worst emergency: Not being enrolled in my English class.
Worst task: Getting up in the mornings, thinking of a thesis.
Best task: Inducting new members into MEDleys, hanging out with my girls, flirting, good conversations, dancing with cute boys in salsa class
Best food eaten: Cucumber sandwiches
Worst dream: None
Best conversation/quote: Shana and I dicussing boys, "edge" and passion.
or, Jackson: What do you think of my new sunglasses?
Ryan (new MEDleys member): Mmm...I'm getting a douchebag vibe.

Best outfit: Forest green shirt, turqouise tank top, cutoff jeans and silver ballet slippers for salsa class!
Best hope: To have a fun AND productive weekend, to either make some headway in the direction of a certain boy, to get a good grade on my upcoming English paper
Worst blonde moment: Blanking during Italian class when asked a basic question

There is so much to say about this weekend that I don't feel like writing out, because I can't quite explain most of the emotions and events that come along with it. It was definitely the most emotionally intense, rollercoaster ride of a weekend than I've had in a long time. But, it was almost cathartic. Being in that co-op and seeing and experiencing so much in a short time made me realize how insignificant all my little problems and issues have been. There is so much opportunity for change for all of us, as long as we're willing to open our eyes. I realized how little I actually have opened myself up to, and what kinds of things I am actually capable of. It's a very positive way to start off my 2nd year of college. I have new goals and a somewhat more relaxed and mature look on my life. I hope that lasts. I was gonna do a best/worst list, but it in no way can reflect anything quite as intensely as the actual thoughts and feelings.

It sounds so overdramatic, perhaps. But this year is going to be the best year yet. So long fucked-up surgery days, so long depression, so long inhibitions. I'm pushing myself out of my comfort zone as much as I can :)

This past weekend, MEDleys embarked on a 4-day retreat to improve our music, strengthen our bonds as friends and get WASTED...haha. All in all, the trip was just as mind-blowingly awesome as I had hoped it would be. To explain every wonderful moment that occurred would be to take up all of Livejournal's bandwidth, so I'll try to spare all the gory details.

As MEDleys is first and foremost a musical group, we did follow through on our promise to rehearse at least twice a day. To be able to harmonize once again with these beautiful voices felt like I had come home, to something familiar and warm. We worked on Bryan's arrangement of Gnarls Barkley's "Crazy." I narrowly escaped having to sing the solo, so Bryan ended up having to sing in falsetto for the whole thing. Kind of silly that the two whitest people in the group could sing it the best. But we always knew I was a gangsta...Another song was The Beatles' "Eleanor Rigby," with an dark, deep and soaring arrangement by the Kings Singers. It is absolutely beautiful, and all the complaints I made about the song being to damn depressing were voided by how glorious the song sounded. Finally, our crowning arrangement was the Brown Derby's version of the Gummi Bears TV Theme. Full of awfully cheesy lyrics, "boing"'s, "ding"'s and fake trumpet noises, it fits our dorky side to a T. Plus, nobody sings "dashing and daring, courageous and caring" with the same conviction that Jackson does!

It was kind of weird how little we sang outside of our rehearsing, but that was either because 1)none of us are used to bursting into spontaneous song anymore or 2)we get enough entertainment from just hanging out that we forget to start singing. When I was drunk I made everyone sing in the tent at 2 AM. I don't think they appreciated that as much as I did.

And, then there was the alcohol. A whole duffel bag full of alcohol was in tow, and I know that I used it to its full extent. We drank three nights in a row, and I was drunk the last two nights (I overhead a fair amount that I was "smashed" the second night). Anyway, it made for a lot of entertaining moments, most of which are kind of blurry. Yvonne and I had some amazing laughs and conversations under the influence, but we're still waiting for the pictures, haha. I had a lot of fun with Anna and Jackson too, and as we four were the most drunk, we were the ones crashing tents, diving on top of people, and being generally loud and obnoxious. Apparently, I am a "completely different person" when I'm drunk, though I beg to differ. I'm just uninhibited. So basically, I'm cuddly, touchy-feely, unabashedly grinning at all times, and I'm willing to say way more than normal. It's the side of me I wish I could let out more often.

The second night of drunkenness was not so hot for me, because I spent most of it feeling depressed. I can't articulate where most of that feeling comes from, but I know that it stems from trying to get over a crush too quickly, which left me feeling emotional whiplash when the retreat was over. I had convinced myself that I was over him and oould return my feelings to normal, but that wasn't so quickly done. I was still in that awkward balance between being in love with him, and being in love with the idea of being in love with him. So, most of my feelings towards him reared their head in the form of disappointment and jealousy. The only fault is mine for getting my hopes up, and in general, being pretty immature about the situation. I'm still trying to shake those feelings, but I know it will take a while.

The girls and guys had a "showdown" of parody songs on the final night, which involved perhaps the funniest 5 minutes in MEDleys history. Us girls struggled through our version of Ultimate Showdown, appropriately titles "A Cappella Showdown of Ultimate Destiny." I have to admit I was proud of the lyrics, but the fact that we had to use the background music to assist us meant that some of the effect was lost. The guys were so supportive though, and they laughed at the jokes, danced to the music, and even sang along with the chorus. I love those guys. Next, the guys' groups, "B-Unit," named after Bryan, presented their song(s). We were completely floored. A badass, muthafuckin' pimp named Bryan rapped about his pimp status and the "blackness" of his skin, Jackson lead a chorus about sweaty, hairy men, Chris sang a beautiful opera about no longer having a dick, and Mickey danced and made "wiki-wiki" noises. Good thing I have a video of it.

Wow...there is so much else to say, but I fear most of it would just be me rambling about my love for MEDleys, and trying to explain our effed-up inside jokes, so instead, I'll cap it off with a "Best/Worst" List for the retreat:

Best new obsession: Listening to Mickey talk, making Bryan giggle, our new arrangements, being open with Yvonne, being silly with Anna
Best (favorite) song: the Man Song, or our arrangement of Gummi Bears
Worst emergency: Driving from San Simeon to L.A. with a hangover, and accidentally getting onto the 5 North for 30 minutes
Worst task: Trying to swallow down jealousy
Best task (like easiest, most enjoyable): Laughing and enjoying everybody's company
Best food eaten: Sloppy Joes and Mac n'Cheese on the last night, or the meal of salad and pizza in Cambria after 3 nights of camping
Best dream: the first night I dreamt that my crush looked me in the eyes and told me he had always liked me back. It took me a long time after I woke up to realize it hadn't happened :(
Best conversation/quote: TOO MANY. Possibly when Mickey said that we could figure out who had left their thong in the tent by the old "Cinderella" glass slipper method. hahaha
Worst feeling: Depression
Best outfit: None? We all looked fairly dishevelled, and I brought all my ugly/crappy clothing.
Best hope: To be an amazing a cappella group, to get closer to everyone
Worst blonde moment: Leaving the car key in the ignition until my battery died. Had to jump the car ;_;

What the fuck is wrong with facebook?!

I'm all for facebook stalking and all, but it feels like the fun has been taken away. As one guy wrote on the petition agains the news feed, "I prefer to not have EVERYthing I do posted on my profile. If I have a stalker, I'd like him/her to have to work at it." All the mystery and simplicity of facebook is gone...too bad.

And, the internship is OVER. Weeeird. I thought I might not miss it, but I started feeling sad in the middle of the day. I'm going to miss reading manga and getting to do cool random jobs all day! I love copyediting, and I even learned to like script edits. *sigh* At least I got a t-shirt to remember the glory days LOL

3rd Season of House began tonight, and I must say I was pleasantly surprised. I was expecting they were gonna rape the hell out of House and the shooting and all, but they pulled some good ideas from it! No "bubbly and kindhearted" House or ridiculous scenes of House dropping acid. Good, old-fashioned character drama, and some amazing House and Cameron moments. Plus all the skateboard scenes were shot at UCLA! "That's House running up MY ridiculously tall flight of steps. He's drenching himself in the water of MY fountain. That cute college chick he just gave the once-over coulda been MEEEEE!" ;p I'm glad Gregory House is back!

So, I just found out that my new phone (YES! A working phone with reception and volume and conversation capabilities, REVOLUTIONARY!) can record up to 5 minutes of audio at a time. And then you can make that audio your ringtone.

The possibilities are ENDLESS. I could do any Muse Song....or maybe "Sour Girl" by Stone Temple Pilots. Or any Michael Buble song. Or....Or...I could record MEDleys as my ringtone. Or perhaps I could get Andrew to do his signature banshee howling. That'd be great in the middle of class.

I am excited. This will be like me and my desktop wallpapers all over again...a new ringtone every 2 days.

Oh, my new roommate just sent me a facebook message. I'm going to find out if she's bringing a TV, because if not, I'm going to find one to bring.

Best/Worst of my week-

Best new obsession: The Office
Best (favorite) song: "The Kill" (acoustic version) by 30 Seconds to Mars or "Citizen Erased" by Muse
Worst emergency: Realizing that the MEDleys girls have to sing a parody song at our retreat, and we have not even begun to write it. The guys are gonna give us sooo much crap.
Worst task: Trying to understand a funds application
Best task (like easiest, most enjoyable)- Sleeping
Best food eaten: Airheads, or a bowl of steamed rice and orange chicken that I made
Best dream: don't remember
Best conversation: My mom and I having an honest discussion about my dad
Worst feeling: Convincing myself that my coworkers don't like my work
Best outfit: New (extra-long!) jeans with new turqouise tanktop. I felt skinny and hip.
Best hope: To have an amazing year in which I don't let my inhibitions get the best of me
Worst blonde moment: Not jumping at the chance to tell a senior editor that I would love to come back if they wanted to hire me...instead I said something about UCLA being really far away -_-

To quote the ultimately cheesy and amazing "Defying Gravity" from Wicked, "Something has change within me/Something is not the same/I'm through with playing by the rules of someone else's game." Well, kinda...but, it's mostly true.

I've been suffering through a summer full of doubt and long, until I realized that 90% of it has all been in my head. I'm wasn't having fun because I was choosing to be miserable. I thought none of my friends cared anymore because I convinced myself that nobody liked me. I had assumed that I would just have to accept my demise, and I was acting uncharacteristically emo and self-important.

But I'm obviously incredibly thickheaded. There's no denying that plenty of things have changed, but I shouldn't start discounting the integrity of everyone else around me. Plus, once I start assuming I'm a lame and horrible person, other people start to pick up on that bad attitude...and that's when all that crap starts to come true.

So, things have been better lately. More fun, lighter, freer. More forward-looking. Not perfect, but it can't be until I fix up my school life. I let go of some things that were driving me insane, stopped letting certain people get to me, etc. I went to Disneyland with 3 great girls, and realized that I was still capable of having an amazing time. Maybe it was also that huge fight that I had with my dad recently that changed my mindset. I realized how much our own stupidity and preconceptions prevent us from being happy (that's my dad's biggest problem, though he still refuses to acknowledge it and therefore refuses to change). I'm currently trying to ease my dad out of that, but it's been 49 years in the making, so it's not something that alters itself overnight.

OK, that's a lot of things that have been on my mind. In short, I'm thinking more positively now.

(And I just finished my "Eye to Eye" a cappella arrangement! Pretty psyched about that one...Now I get to do the cool part of picking all the syllables to use and writing in lyrics)

Now, anyone who has ever been in the same room as me and an Avril Lavigne song, knows that I am none too impressed with her songwriting skills. But, you know, I was driving home today, and I heard the song "Fall to Pieces" on the radio, and I immediately thought of all the pain Sara is feeling right now.

Sara, dear, I just wanted to dedicate this song to you. Love you!

( Read more... )

WOW.

Muse was absolutely spectacular live! They played everything I could have ever dreamed of them playing- all their best songs off of all four albums! Time is Running Out, Apocalypse Please, Hysteria, Stockholm Syndrome, Knights of Cydonia, Bliss, New Born, Plugin Baby, Starlight, etc, etc...the list goes on and on. Seriously, a jaw-dropping concert, with their energy and that light show!! wooo...

My only complaint is all those fans just stood there and watched. I was all over the place dancing, Sara joined me most of the time, and there was this awesome drunk/high guy further down who was totally rocking out. I'm sure people were pointing at me too, but SHIT! I paided $75 for that ticket...I'll dance if I want to dance! *has urge to quote "Safety Dance" but will allow you to fill in the rest*

It was so worth all the time, effort, irritation, hunger, thirst, traffic, money, etc, etc. :)

Haha...cool. I'm going to be credited as a copy-editor in some manga volumes...sweet! Look for me in little-known and under-produced titles such as Kamikaze and Dragon Head. hehehe...

YAH! Muse tomorrow night...I'm so thrilled. I've been playing "Black Holes and Revelations" on constant repeat for weeks, so I can learn to love it and so that it will be drilled into my head. I'm finally starting to come around to the entire album, though I find it ironic that everybody else in the world seems to think it's the most amazing CD ever...this is from the same people who never listened to anything off Absolution besides "Time is Running Out." I bet if they heard some of "Origin of Symmetry," they'd take that back...

WOW it's going to be awesome...

(Click here to post your own answers for this meme.)

✓ I miss somebody right now.	✓ I don't watch much TV these days.  (A couple shows here and there...but I rarely even watch The Daily Show anymore!!! :()	✓ I own lots of books.
✓ I wear glasses or contact lenses.	× I love to play video games.	✓ I've tried marijuana.  (Once)
✓ I've watched porn movies.  (Sara and I just had this discussion...)	× I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship.	✓ I believe honesty is usually the best policy.
✓ I curse sometimes.  (College opened my mind...and my mouth.)	✓ I have changed a lot mentally over the last year.	× I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me.

( it goes on... )