Do you ever read notes that your friends have written on facebook? Sometimes I'll sit and read some and then I'll decide to write my own, you know, to let people know how I'm feeling, how my life is going. But every time I sit down to do this, I can't write anything.  I don't want everyone I know to know my personal thoughts and feelings.  I don't understand how some people can just lay down their thoughts for everyone to see.  I mean, I can write on here because I know that no one is going to read it.  If anyone does read it, chances are it's one of my old friends who I don't talk to anymore or someone that I don't even know that found my journal randomly.  It's nice to know that my feelings are out there even if I don't want all of my friends and family to read them.

I mean, I guess it's because I am not very open about my feelings in real life either.  There aren't a lot of people who really know me (actually there is really only 1).  I think that most people I know would be very surprised if they actually knew everything about me.  I mean, I have no problem sharing my past and my thoughts with people on the internet who can't judge me because they can't see me.  If someone on the internet has a problem with something that I say they can't do anything about it.  I mean, if you want you can block someone that you know off completely with just a few clicks, you never have to talk to them again.  You can't do that in real life.

I don't understand why you even bother making plans with me because you always break them anyway.  I don't even know why I'm trying to make an effort to salvage the few friendships that I have.  You tell me that you want to hang out, so we make plans for thursday night.  Thursday you text me to tell me you were sick the night before and your mom won't let you go out, that's fine.  But why would you tell me that and then go over to my boyfriend's house with your boyfriend that night while I'm stuck at home with nothing to do because you broke our plans? So I let that slide and we reschedule our plans for sunday.  Then you text me and tell me that you have to be home for 5 to have dinner with your mom for her anniversary but you'll still come over at 1.  Ok, so that's still fine.  Then you text me at 12 on Sunday telling me that you're at the hospital with your boyfriend because he's had a reaction to something but you should still be able to come over at 1 because he is already in.  So I'm at home cleaning my room because I think that you're actually coming over for once.  I see you pop on MSN at 12:45 and figure you're at home getting ready to go and that you'll text me in a bit to tell me that you're leaving.  Then at 1 you get offline and I get a text "Sorry, I don't think I'll be out of here in time to come over, maybe we can hang out at Tyler's after dinner." 
Ok, unless your MSN signs in by itself, which is entirely possible, or you ran home from the hospital to check your email, you're lying.  Sure, we can hang out at Tyler's after, even though that completely defeats the purpose of us hanging out together, which we havent done in months.  But whatever, I really just dont give a shit anymore.  I just wish that you wouldnt make plans with me and then realize that you can't come for one reason or another.  I'm not even saying that youre always lying, maybe you really can't hang out with me because of all those different reasons.  But couldnt you make more of an effort to reschedule our plans for a day when you actually are free?  I understand that your boyfriend is important to you, but couldn't you skip seeing him for one night to hang out with you supposed best friend?

I'm at school in communications class, it is very uniteresting.
Last weekend was Thanksgiving, it was pretty fun. My stepmom was here from Georgia for the weekend, I got to help her cook up all the food, it tasted pretty good after we were done. We had cake and pie for dessert, mmm.
I havent really done much recently. Just school and going to Tyler's really. Today I have a dentist appointment, won't that be fun. I hate going to the dentist.
Anyway, I should go, there's four minutes of class left now.
bye

Hello there. So yeah, I havent got much to do right now. I'm sitting around. Tyler has gone to work again so I cant see him. Meh, I'll be here 'til he gets off at 8 or 9.
So yeah, I guess I havent been writing everyday, but I really just dont have time (or an interesting enough life) to write everyday.
Hmm, what happened...Oh yeah! James and Brian fought the other day. It was a pretty sad fist fight, it lasted maybe one minute or so. Brian broke up with Amy and now James is obsessed with her again. Its actually kind of cute, he writes her poems and today he gave her a bracelet, lol.
And today at school some crazy old woman followed one of my friends of the bus and came into the school and yelled at and threatened a bunch of the students. Apparently one of the teachers chased her down the hall and took her to the office. The police came at lunch and everything, it was pretty entertaining.
Other than that, nothing much is new, so I guess Im just going to go now.

So yeah, I'm a nerd. Here's why:

Today I'm having a pretty normal day, I'm going out with Tyler, hopefully I'll get the new Our Lady Peace cd :).
After that I'm going to my Grandma's for dinner and to spend the night.
Now the nerdy bits.
Tomorrow I'm going to a huge Anne of Green Gables convention. And better yet, since my cousin and I went to the one 10 years ago we get special parts. We're going to get dressed up there in old-fashioned costumes. Then we get to sit outside the actual shop window that was in the movie and we get to read parts from the book, it's going to be so cool.
I think its so funny because 10 years ago when my cousin and I were there (we were dressed up as Anne for a competition that they have) we sat outside the same shop and a bunch of old people started taking pictures of us, lol.
Anyway, Im out now, gotta eat breakfast.

I've decided that I want to try and write in this as often as possible. I've noticed while going through old entries, that stuff doesnt make sense because I jump around too much. Especially the gap between June 9th and June 28th in 2004. Its funny because in the June 9th entry Im talking about how sick I am and that my friends are bugging my about it, and then two days later Im in the hospital getting diagnosed with diabetes. Amazing that I never even mentioned it. Its all insane.

Anyway, I dont really like posting twice on the same day, so Im out.

Well, I'm just sitting around tonight. Tyler is gone to work til 9 or 10. He gets paid tonight and is going to buy me a book.

So yeah, today was pretty fun. It was Terry Fox day and everyone either had to walk or run 5km in rememberance. Turns out it rained, so if you wanted to run out in the rain you could, but if you wanted to walk you only had to do one lap of the field. It took nearly 10 minutes for me to get around the feild (walking pretty slowly) and I was completely drenched though. It was cool. They had these little plaques set up along the day of people who have died or survived cancer that students and teachers made. I tried to read them while I was going by, but I missed a lot of them.
It was cool though, some people who were running fell and one kid decided to "slip and slide" into a giant mud puddle. Some cars honked when they drove by and saw us.

Ho hum, I dont know what Im doing tonight. I was supposed to go and see my uncle in a demolition derby tonight at a fair, but he cant get his car to work now, and the weather is really bad, so we arent going afterall. I'll probably just sit around for a while.

Tyler is going to call me when he's leaving work and I'll probably go over to his house. I hope he gets off fairly early, or there's not much point in going over.

Anyway, I guess I'm going to go now, since I dont really have anything else to say.

-Emily

Well, I'm finally writing in this thing again. No one reads it, but I feel that its something that I should do.

So school has started up again. My schedule was messed up though, I had no first-period class. I got it fixed yesterday though, so starting on monday it will be normal. Lucky me though, since I got my schedule changed, now I have Computer Info Science with Tyler and Andrea next semester. I also have Communications with them this semester. Communications seems like it will be a fun class, but we havent done anything yet because we have no passwords for out computer logins.

So yeah, things with Tyler and I are good now. We were fighting for a bit about like everything. But we talked it out tonight, and things are looking to be much better. I'm so proud of him. He's really getting his life turned around. He was on time everyday this week (a first really). Also he has a job at Licks now. He came to camp with me and we had a great time. I really hope that he wants to come back with me next year. It's really good for him, and it gets him away from his house and his parents for a week.

Wow, I didn't really do much this summer. I went to see the Fray/Weezer/Pixies with Andrea. It was so much fun. We went to see Weezer, but the Fray was so good (even though they only did 4 songs) and the Pixies were amazing. We met up with two nerdy guys that Andrea knows from the internet and hung out for the day, it was a fun time.

Then I went to my family reunion, also had a great time. I also ended up staying up late with a cousin and some second-cousins and had a great time. They all tell such good stories, and they didnt mind me hanging out with them even though I'm like 6 years younger than them. Other than that and camp all I really did was sit around with Tyler, Andrea and Greg all summer.

Tyler got a kitten. Her name is Harmony and she is so precious. I love her to death. My mom got one too, her name is Mercedes. She is so cute too, they look a lot alike (being sisters afterall).

Anyway, this blog is way to long now, I'll write again when something interesting happens.

TO Emily.

I love you so much that it is hard to put into words. Although you know it, you still do not believe it. Well guess what, you better start believieng or all have to beat you with a small tree.lmfao

P.S. I LOVE U

Well, as of yesterday I've been going out with Tyler for two months . We hung out yesterday. It was kind of funny, because I wasn't planning on having anyone over. But then my mom's like "Why haven't you called Tyler yet?" I was like "Well, he's still going to be sleeping." She said "Well then you need to call and wake him up, tell him it's 1:00 and its time for him to get up. Tell him to come over." So i'm like ok, whatever. So I called Tyler and woke him up. He said he'd come over have he had a shower. So like 45 minutes later he shows up at my mom's house. We didn't do much in the afternoon, just finished up with the garage sale, went on the computer, went to the drug store and then we had to take down all of the garage sale signs.

Then, he stayed for supper, my mom invited him, lol. And then after dinner we watched Speed. Then after we went and sat outside on my mom's swing for an hour and a half just talking.

Anyway, I dunno why, but I think Brittany and Andrea are mad at me. Andrea's mad at me because I was sort of bitchy to her because I was in a bad mood. She said something I just said something rude back. I have a friend who lives in Florida right where that stupid hurricane is, and I'm just a bit worried right now, and she's mad at me because I'm worried, or something I dunno.

I dunno, I know that they're both going to read this, but I figure I'll say it anyway. I just find it sort of amusing that Brittany can have Andrea sleep over without me caring, but as soon as I have Andrea sleep over at my house, suddenly everybody is mad at me, I rather don't get it.

Anyway. Bleck, I don't want to go back to school on Tuesday. I don't feel like it. .

Anyway, hopefully nobody gets mad at me for this journal, but then again, someone probably will. But then again, knowing my friends, they won't tell me that they're mad, they'll just act mad, because afterall, they don't tell me anything anymore.

So, as of yesterday it's now been five months since the last time that I cut myself. I'm pretty happy about that. :D.
Hmm, also: I was in Georgia from Thursday til Sunday and had a great time. On the other hand: I'm allergic to Georgian Mosquitoes. I know that everyone is allergic to mosquitoes, but I had bites (that I hadn't even scratched) that were the size of toonies (and bigger! *gasp*). Anyway, they itch like crazy, but I am NOT scratching, I don't want them any bigger!
Hopefully I'll get to see Andrea and Tyler today. I haven't talked to either of them since last Wednesday.
It was sort of funny, Tyler forgot that I was going to Georgia on Thursday, and he thought I was leaving on Saturday. So, when I called him to see if he wanted to come over with Andrea on Wednesday night he said he was going to Frank's house. So I was like, ok whatever. But he said he wasn't going for a while and did I want to talk for a bit? So I said yes and he asked me what Andrea and I had done that week, because I had only seen him once last week. And I told him that we had just hung around the house and that I was off to Georgia tomorrow and that's why I was hanging out with Andrea that night. He's like "Oh that's cool..WHAT!?! You're going tomorrow?" I was like uh...yeah. And then he started swearing and saying that he would come over right after he finished eating. But...the funny thing was that Andrea had missed that whole part of the conversation and thought that he had said that he didn't want to come, even though I was going to Georgia. So she runs over and grabs the phone and starts yelling at him about how he's being stupid and about he had already seen Frank that week, and could he not go see his girlfriend when she was going away...I'm just standing there laughing, it was great...

In other news, Andrea and I are starting a band. We rearranged the garage to make room for all of the recording equipment that I have and then I hooked it all up. That was an adventure...Andrea kept saying "Well...it was hooked up before, so you have to be able to do it..." I'm just like "Yeah, except I didn't hook it up before." But I finally figured it out and we started to record some fun stuff. We were just sitting around trying to figure out a name. I was like "HEHE, we should call the band Duct Tape." and she's like "OOOH that's perfect!" and then she's like "No wait...isn't that a brand name?" So we're officially calling the band Dukt Tape, with a "K".
Hopefully more about that later...

So, it's been a while since I posted anything, not much is really happening right now.
I got my schedule for high school the other day. I don't have any classes with Andrea. I have english with my friend Cody, but I don't think I have any classes with any of my other friends, it sucks.
Things with Tyler and I are great right now. I don't think Brittany and Andrea are really upset anymore. If they are, I can't really tell anymore. I can see why they both liked him though, he's amazing. I definitely don't deserve him.
I haven't really done much in the last few weeks. Except for last weekend. I went to a Lutheran Youth Gathering. The were nearly 2000 Lutheran teenagers there. It was in my city this year, so I didn't have to travel very far. It was a great experience and I really hope that I can go to the next one, it's in Winnipeg Manitoba.
So tomorrow is August 22! HAPPY NEW YEAR! I'm probably going to see a movie with Andrea and Tyler either tomorrow or monday, should be fun.
Anyway, I'm gonna go, cause I have other things to be doing. I think I might go and write a bit, so there should be a new chapter up soon. :D
-Emily

So, as of today it's been four months since the last time that I cut myself.
That stupid Monday night, march 29th. I was so furious after I did it, I'm still really mad now. I don't fully understand why I started doing it in the first place. But I do know why I stopped.
I'm so glad that I'm not doing it anymore. I almost hurt myself last friday but then I realized that I was so close to being at four months and I didn't want to wreck it all.
Then, two nights ago, Tyler made me promise him something. He didn't make me promise NOT to cut, which I'm thankful for. He made me swear that if I ever wanted to cut myself that I had to call him, no matter what time it is and he would come over to my house. I don't think I will ever cut again considering that. I would be too embarassed to call him and say that I wanted to cut. I could never do that with anybody. So, I guess I just won't cut, because I don't want to break my promise to him.

Well, so I'm not at camp. We drove all the way up there on Saturday and I decided that I wasn't ready to stay. I've only known about my diabetes for three weeks (2 1/2 at the time) and I'm not ready to add up how many carbs I can eat when without using the reference (which we had left at home). I told my dad and he said that I didn't have to stay if I felt that strongly about it, so I didn't.

Anyway, today I went over to Value Village with Andrea. We looked around and I tried on a few tank tops, none of which fit. I ended up buying these really ugly shoes, I love them. I may post a picture of them at some point. They look like 1970's men's disco shoes. I love them.

Well, so tomorrow I'm going to camp. I'm not really sure if I want to go. First, I don't think I'm quite comfortable enough with my diabetes yet to be doing this (its only been three weeks). We've been informed that that will all be fine, but I'm not sure, I'm still worried about it.
I'm also worried because none of my friends are going this year (I only had a few at camp anyway). So, I won't really know anyone. Well, I'll know people, but they won't be friends. I'm just...not a people person, I don't make lots of friends very easily.
I'm also really going to miss my friends and family, more this year than ever. I'm going to miss Andrea and Tyler the most. They said that they would write me lots. I hope they do. I have to go out and get stamps and envelopes. I'm going to write to them as often as I can. But I'm also going to miss Brittany (who will also write). And I'm going to miss my parents, and Lisa, and all the people I chat with online. Its just really hard. Because this last year has been a hard year, and all those people helped me through it, and now I have to go away for a week. I know it's only a week, but its just...hard
-Em

I've waiting so long for this. Remember Tyler? The boy I said I liked? Well, we're finally going out. He asked me on Sunday night.
My friend Brittany is pretty mad. She likes him and has been saying stuff about me behind my back for the last two weeks.
Tyler wrote me a poem and gave it to me last Wednesday. Brittany didn't like that very much and now she is all mad at me and has been saying things to Andrea like "I don't know why he even likes her anyway, it's not like she's pretty, she needs to do something with her hair." and "I'm still not convinced that he likes her rather than me, I mean he liked me for 3 years, how can he all of a sudden change his mind?" Easily...he got to know you...She's just been saying random conceited things.
Well, anyway, I'll write more about this later...There is something seriously wRONG With my computer right now...THe caps lock is being very odd.

-Em

I wish I weren't so confused.

This is going to sound really stupid...But I'm going to say it anyway.

I've liked the same guy for the last 4 years. It just got out, to him and my friends, a couple months ago that I liked him. It turned out that he liked me too, or so I thought.

A bit of history here: Tyler (the guy I like) had a crush on my friend Brittany (who is really pretty) for a long time. This year he finally got over this and moved on.

Now, a couple days ago, I find out that both Brittany and my other friend Andrea both like Tyler as well. Now I don't know what to do. I know I'm not good enough for Tyler, and Brittany is so much better than me, so he is going to like her now. I just hate not knowing what to do.

Then, the other night after Brittany went home, Tyler, Andrea and I were sitting on my living room floor listening to music. Tyler was brushing my hair because I couldn't because my hand hurt so badly (long story). Andrea was talking about her ex-boyfriend. She started crying, so I gave her a hug. I also started crying, because of all the other shit that's going on as well, (I really don't want to get into THAT right now...)

I left the room to go get some kleenex for Andrea, who was crying A LOT more than I was. When I came back Tyler gave me a hug and let me cry on his shoulder. He didn't even KNOW what I was crying about yet he let me cry on him anyway. Why does he have to be so damn perfect anyway? He put his arm around me and rubbed my arm and my back for a while until I stopped crying. It felt good to get that out. After they left I wrote them each a poem (I'm way to scared to give them to them though) and now I'm feeling fine.

Sorry for blabbing on here, no one has to read it though.

Well, I've missed three days of school in the last two weeks and my "friends" are worried about me...I told them not to worry and they said they were anyway because I'm apparently *always* sick. I was just like...uh...How long do you expect me to be sick for? One day? And then they were like "See, we can't even discuss this without an argument."

So now I'm sick and confused. Hopefully I feel well enough to go to school tomorrow or they might call a bloody ambulance to my house.

Right now I should really be sleeping, considering I'm sick. But my dad and sister are out until about 1:30 and I don't really feel comfortable going to sleep when no one's home. I guess I'll go up and try now though...

-Emily.

I'm happier right now than I have been for weeks.

A guy that I've liked for more than two years just told me that he liked me. Tyler (the guy) basically asked me if I had asked my friend Andrea to tell him that I liked him, which I had said she could. I asked if he would make fun of me if I did like him, he said no because he liked me too!
Turns out, he's liked me since grade 6, just like me. I told him I didn't understand why he like me, since I'm butt-ugly. He said that if I was butt-ugly than he must like butts. He also said that I was a very nice person, in every way. I told him that he was too. We talked for a few more minutes, but he had to go. Tyler should be back on in about half an hour, and I'm nervous now. I would just die if he had made all this up. I don't think he would do that though, he's too nice.

On another note, I'm making another website. I'm going to post all of my poetry and fanfiction that I have on fanfiction.net and fictionpress, and maybe some other stuff. There's nothing on it yet, but the link it www.dirtisyummy.cjb.net

Ugh my head hurts. Actually...I hurt everywhere. My legs hurt, my stomach hurts, my back hurts, my throat...gah.

Anyway, life has been pretty boring. All I've done in the past week is gone to see my sister in the Wiz twice. Great play though.

So thirsty. Yesterday I drank two bottles of mountain dew during the play. And before the play I drank two cans of it. Then when I got home my dad went and bought a big bottle of it...it's gone now. Then, today I've filled up one of my bottles with water and completely finished it off a few times...I also just finished a glass of milk and a glass of orange juice. Why am I so thirsty all the time? I'm not hungry at all.

Anyway. I just realized how close I am to being finished school. I graduate on June 22nd and then it's summer vacation and then high school. I can't wait until high school. My friend Andrea was saying yesterday how lost she is going to be when we get there, but I don't think it'll be too bad. I can't wait to get out of the little hole in the ground school that I'm at now.

Gah, I haven't updated anything in so long. I haven't even started writing chapter 17 of my fanfic yet *blushes*. I've been reading like a maniac though. I reread my favourite book today though :), man I have no life. The book has over 300 pages...I've been reading crazy ammounts of fanfic, but writing none.

And as for my poetry, I haven't updated in forever. Maybe I'll post something tonight. I don't like posting when people are home because I'm afraid I'll get caught typing it out. I made the mistake of telling one of my friends about fictionpress, I hope she doesn't come across any of my stuff.

Anyway, I'm gonna go now.

-Em