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Tuesday, August 5th, 2008
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| Subject: | Nose, meet Grindstone. |
| Time: | 3:34 pm. |
| Mood: |  busy. |
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What a killer couple weeks... and it's not done yet.
So this summer I thought I'd try to finish up a couple of my preliminary exam projects for the PhD, the last two of the seven, and in an ideal world I'd defend them this fall.
Now, in an ideal world I was going to finish these things before Julia was born, but that obviously didn't happen, and so I learned to not be too optimistic with these things. I know that they need time to be refined, to age, to become their full potential. So if I didn't finish them enough for a September defense, that was fine by me. No hurry. I could defend later in the semester.
But a colleague (who had been babysitting for me so I could make progress on these things) made me realize that I will not have such an open schedule to work on these things come fall. I will be a TA all next year, plus 10 hours a week on more research assistantship duties. I'm already looking into daycare arrangements for Julia, but I know that I won't have a lot of that time for my own work like I did this past year. So I really need to make the most of these precious free hours I have right now, before the school year starts. And if I can get these projects done, then all next year I can start proposing the dissertation, and that's a year of guaranteed funding with these assistantships. Delay it by even one semester, and I might not have funding for that semester (though I hope to, but it's not guaranteed). So even though it may be expensive, it's worth paying a sitter for a few days a week to really get some work done.
And that's what I've done, and it's been hard, hard work. I lost one paper along the way (you think I'd KNOW by now to back up my stuff regularly!), and also got stinging, smarting emails from Dear Advisor (though I suspect not as harsh as I'd heard others receive, so I'm grateful for that). Right now, today, everything's looking pretty good. Let's hope it stays that way. But I will be glad when all I have to do after dinner is put my feet up and chill, rather than head back to that computer and try AGAIN to cut down a long-ass paper that already feels incredibly distilled to me.
It'll be worth it, perhaps I'll be a candidate in a month or so. Wish me luck.
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Wednesday, June 25th, 2008
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| Subject: | Anniversary |
| Time: | 3:28 pm. |
| Mood: |  loved. |
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Well, then. On Friday Neil and I celebrated ten years of marriage together. How amazing is that?
Ten. Years.
Man, we feel old.
I mean, 1998 isn't that long ago, right? It's like, really close to 2000. Which was practically yesterday. I mean, it's only 2008. Which is... eight years after 2000.
Shit.
1998 is as far away from now as 1988 was from 1998. And I guess 1998 was really that far away. Back then Neil and I were a mere 24 years old, fresh-ish out of college, about to embark on life as adults in the Real World. Weeks after the wedding I started my first proper career job in Philly, and after he got his green card sorted out he started a job that he stuck with all the way through law school. We bought a house two years later. We both went to lots of grad school, and between us finished three degrees (with another on the way). We made new friends, visited old friends, saw family get married and move nearby, then away again. Saw my parents finally divorce, and saw his parents' new marriages grow. We grew a miraculous, amazing kid, and are still blown away by her every day.
And what's awesome about the whole journey is that we have become a richer Andi and Neil, more like our true selves, throughout it all. And of course, we are bonded by the experiences we share together day in and day out. We are changing, and yet we are still us, and still deeply in love with what brought us together in the first place and what keeps us together today.
When we got married, I was convinced God brought us together and would keep us together. But now I don't feel God (whatever God is) has as much a hand in this as I thought s/he would. We keep us together, because we are authentic with each other and demand nothing less. We have seen our parents' first marriages fail, and today we see friends' marriages fail. We know we cannot take each other for granted, we know we must work and compromise with each other because we respect each other that much. When we married, I feared the future and not being able to know with absolute certainty that "we" would work out. And dear Neil reassured me, saying, "All you can do is give it your best every day. And those days will add up to years, and it'll work out."
So the days have added up, and here we are. Grateful and amazed and very happy.
I love you, my dearest one. Happy anniversary.
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| Subject: | Pomp. |
| Time: | 7:13 pm. |
| Mood: | proud. |
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Aiyee, yes, it's been a while again.
Spent most of yesterday watching graduation ceremonies at Temple. And was somewhat inspired, if not more than a little bored here and there. First I saw my four PhD colleagues receive their diplomas -- after being "hooded" and having their dissertation titles announced, and then being introduced as "Dr." so-and-so. Followed by a bear hug by Dear Advisor for each of them. Thrilling.
In the evening, I returned to campus with Julia and my mom to watch Neil walk the law school graduation. The law school has a tradition that graduates bring their children on stage as they accept their diplomas, which on a practical level seems crazy for a ceremony that starts at 7 pm -- as was noted in one of the three speeches given last night, there were 18 babies born to members of the class of 2008 -- so it was not exactly the best time to be dragging young children out for a long, drawn-out, public ceremonial exercise. And they did not start doling out diplomas until 8:30. Ugh. But Julia did surprisingly well, and I was exceedingly grateful that Neil's last name starts with 'H' (could have been a lot worse, a classmate with two toddlers had a last name starting with 'T') -- so when his row got up to approach the stage, I got Julia to him, and he walked her across the stage, we snapped pics, and we all headed out of the building right away. Though Neil was a little frustrated that the evening was too crowded to see and talk with most of his friends, I think he enjoyed it, and I was proud of him and glad he got to have that moment of recognition.
So yes. One day it'll be my turn. And even, astonishingly, one day it'll be Julia's turn. Which was perhaps the most touching thing to me of all from the whole day. Hard to imagine, but how cool that will be.
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Wednesday, April 23rd, 2008
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| Subject: | Sigh. |
| Time: | 2:05 pm. |
| Mood: |  annoyed. |
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Sorry, guys. I live in f-ing Pennsyltucky.
At least my county went for Obama, we did our part.
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Wednesday, April 9th, 2008
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| Subject: | Surfacing.. |
| Time: | 10:57 am. |
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Zowie, it's been a while. Okay, briefly:
1) Presentation at the mini-conference went very well. In the process of preparing for it, I realized some things I need to do to edit the final report, so it was helpful working on that. Didn't get to schmooze as much as I would have liked, but hey.
2) Neil took the bar, he felt it went well, and then the other day we found out he passed!
3) Shortly after the bar exam, he was offered (and he accepted) a tax and estate-planning job. He's been there over three weeks now, and it's going well. Not a corporate, work 60-hours-a-week kinda thing, but a small firm with reasonable (40ish) hours, and decent (though not gigantic) salary. It's very strange to see him leave for work wearing a suit every day. But... it suits him. (ha.) Of course, it's tax season now, so that means he has to work 6 days/week and full days at that, but after the 15th things will calm down a bit. One more thing to get through... first school, then the bar exam, now this. But it'll happen.
4) We decided to take the week between Neil's old and new jobs to go traveling again... and we went to England. Basically because that was the only way we figured we'd be able to get a date night or two while we were away, because Neil's mom could babysit. And that's what we did, and it worked brilliantly, and I am happy to say that we had a very relaxing holiday. We even got a night away from the kiddo, staying at this very sweet pub in this coastal village outside of Penzance (yes, as in "The Pirates of... ") ... the food there was... ooooh, man. So tasty. I stuffed myself so silly I was nearly sick afterward. And Julia was very good for Grandma the entire time, which was very reassuring. She even slept better for Grandma than she does for us! In fact, she slept very well on the trip, and then regressed after we got home. But things are much better in the sleep department than they were when I last posted, so we hang in there.
5) I am trying to keep my head above water in r/t school -- my research course (my last course for the degree) is taking up most of my time, but fortunately it seems that all that work is going to get dumped into the final paper, so I shouldn't have too much more to do for that. I have been very slowly working on my two last prelim projects, but I'm not sure what state they will be in come the due date -- we'll just have to see. I would love to have them mostly done, and then spend the summer cleaning up all the projects and getting them ready for the oral defense in the fall. What helps is I have (finally) made some babysitting arrangements so I have some regular time to get a little work done, but I've also taken on a couple GIM clients, so I'm spending some of the babysitting time on that, too. Perhaps once Neil's done with tax season I can get more done on the weekend....
6) Over the past couple days I saw three of the four recent Ph.D. defenses in my program... absolutely thrilling and inspiring to see these women progress to this point. I am so excited and happy for them, because I know a little of the work that it took to complete this degree and I am in awe of their accomplishments. One day. I'll keep plugging away, and I'm slowly advancing. But one day, yep. That'll be me, too.
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Sunday, February 10th, 2008
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| Subject: | Personal Coffee Hour |
| Time: | 10:17 am. |
| Mood: |  thoughtful. |
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So, Ju's finally napping, Neil's headed out to study for a couple hours, my presentation is pretty much ready for the mini-conference tomorrow... whew!
There's been a heated debate/discussion over at Christianforums.com in the Anglican forum (again, I'm too lazy to figure out how to link to it right now) about whether and how toddlers should be welcomed in church services. Most people in the discussion are pro-kids and in favor of finding ways to welcome children of all ages in church, but there's one (excuse my French) prick who openly admits to glaring at parents the minute their baby lets out a single squawk and would be mortified if a toddler decided to wander across the aisle to another family's pew or wandered up to the altar during the Eucharist.
I'll admit that one reason (among many) that I haven't entered a church since Julia was born is because I know most of the churches around here would smile, shake my hand, and then immediately direct me to the nursery where I can sequester my child away from the All Holy Service because, really, we all would me more comfortable if she were taken off my hands and no one would have to hear her coo or fuss a little during the service.
Some posts in the CF discussion have mentioned parishes where pews were taken out along the aisle and replaced with bentwood rocking chairs. Where, apparently, at the recent consecration of the new bishop of Chicago, a carpeted area was placed right in front of the altar where kids could hang out, color, play with stuffed toys, and get a good view of everything that was happening in the colorful liturgy. And in another parish, families help out sleep-deprived parents dealing with a fussy kid by walking him or her around the sanctuary so that mom and dad can get a break and listen to the sermon. I've never been in parishes like that, parishes that thoughtful and open to others, and I'm sure that if they were that considerate to parents of young children, that they would likely be rich places for people of all ages.
If such a place existed around here, I might be able to let go of all my previous church baggage and simply enjoy such a wonderful community. It's a shame, then, that it seems such a place doesn't exist. Though I shouldn't write all the churches off around here so quickly, it is possible that changes have been made since we were church shopping oh... 7? 8? years ago. But I don't have the energy to church shop with a little kid. Maybe I'll just have to keep my ear to the ground and see what I can suss out.
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Wednesday, February 6th, 2008
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| Subject: | Un-pity party |
| Time: | 3:31 pm. |
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So... well! Things turned around mighty quick here!
I was sick for days. I won't describe details, but I found myself at the doctor's on Thursday morning still gastrically unhappy. I was told I was probably on the mend, but if things were still a problem on the 7th day of the ailment, that I had to get some labs done. Ick. Neil had taken Julia off my hands so I didn't have to bring her into the germy doc's office, and so he told me to meet him back at home when I was done. I walked in the front door...
And my sister was there! The one who lives in San Diego! She was standing in my living room!
Turns out her husband had a business trip in NYC, so they decided to swing down and visit -- and make it a surprise for my birthday. So that was really cool. Sis cooked some yummy bland food for me (oh, yeah - doc's orders for that day and the next, blah) and fussed over me. That was nice. And then Friday night she and her man babysat so ... Neil and I got our date night after all! We went out to see Juno and then had Starbuck's after (not much else around the theater) and finally got to talk grownup stuff (like, how his job interview went [brilliant] and where he'd like to work after law school, etc.). Unfortunately Ju woke up while we were away and melted down a little, but sis handled it like a pro and all was well.
I had a class all day on Saturday, but then mom came and visited that night and she and sis made a lovely meal and we ate and told stories and laughed our asses off. It was great fun. By then my guts were feeling much better and I was even able to tolerate a reprise of cheesecake for dessert -- seeing as that was the last thing I ate before I got sick in the first place, that was quite an accomplishment. :P
So sis and her man have headed back to CA, and Neil's trying to catch up on his bar study time. And Julia's sleep has gone even further to the dogs, as if that was possible. We're trying new game plans and hopefully things will improve. Drastically. Soon. Because nothing sucks more than sleep deprivation, I tell you. Wish us luck.
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Monday, January 28th, 2008
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| Subject: | Pity Party |
| Time: | 5:56 pm. |
| Mood: |  sick. |
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Go figure. I mean, really.
Saturday afternoon all of us went to friends' in NJ for the afternoon, and on the drive home I began feeling a bit queasy. Like I'd eaten too much of the potluck we'd had. By the time we got close to home I just about ready to open the car door and hurl onto the roadside.
I caught the nastiest stomach bug seen this side of Venus. I'm still messed up, I can barely eat and I am so weak and tired. Fortunately neither Neil nor Julia have gotten sick -- for whatever reason. But I suspect this is the same viral thing that's worked its way through several families we know around here. Julia may have been protected by the rotavirus vax she's gotten, thank god.
Moral: Vaccinate your children!!! For the love of God!
So yeah. No date night for us after all. :( But our babysitters (who were the first we'd heard of to catch this same bug) said they can watch Julia in a couple weeks when we have a house concert to go to. So we'll work it out. For now I'll just keep trying to eat and see if I'll ever feel normal again. I HATE being sick. Hate hate hate.
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Friday, January 25th, 2008
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| Subject: | Another Saturday night... |
| Time: | 3:26 pm. |
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So Neil and I have arranged for babysitting via our next-door neighbors for tomorrow night. It's the weekend before my birthday, and we haven't been on a date night since mid-November, and we really need to get out.
The thing is, we have no idea what to do.
We could see a movie, we could check out a restaurant participating in Restaurant Week in Philly, we could go bowling, we could shop, we could find a concert somewhere...
The possibilities are, frankly, paralyzing. And I also think it would be good to stay in town, to not go into Philly, because Ju's been teething like a piranha high on coke (she now has a total of seven teeth, four of those sprouted in the last four days) and she hasn't been sleeping very well. What if she wakes a million times while our poor neighbor looks after her? I was hoping to put her down and let him camp out watching cable for the duration of the night, but maybe she'll choose to be difficult this one night.
But she has been able to stay down for at least 3 hours even on the worst nights, so maybe she'll be just fine and I need to relax.
Aiyee.
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Thursday, January 17th, 2008
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| Subject: | Re-entry |
| Time: | 10:27 am. |
| Mood: |  anxious. |
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So it's mid-January now, and it's been over a month of break from school work, it's time to get ready to dive back into things.
Yesterday I went to Temple to take care of my tuition remission and sort out Neil's leftover parking money, etc. Brought Julia with me and met up with a colleague and one of our Profs -- and Julia was a star, really and truly, and I finally had my vision of scooting her around campus in her stroller, being cute and cooperative, come true. She even napped while the three of us had coffee, and then posed for pictures with her beaming face. She rocks, what can I say.
Getting back to campus for just the afternoon and chatting with those two was good for me, helping me to get into my academic mindset again. And I also was asked yesterday to present my drum study at this thing (I guess like a research seminar) next month with a huge MT bigwig from Europe who's coming to Temple. Aiyee. I will do it, of course, not only because it would look good and give me presentation practice, but also because this particular bigwig may have some connections down the road that I might be able to utilize if I ever wanted to teach in England. No pressure. As I wrote to my advisor: ":gulp: Um... yeah. I can do that."
So now I have to sort out childcare stuff, not just for that event but in general so I can get some work done. I had a fabulous arrangement that was coming together before the holidays with a Penn PhD student who had a baby almost exactly the same age as Julia -- we spent a day together, one of us looking after both kids in the morning while the other got work done, and then switching off for the afternoon. And it worked surprisingly well. I was so excited about this, and we planned to do more after the holidays. But this chick is now on an academic job hunt and is flying all over the place with no time at home, so she's had to back out of the whole thing. Dangit. Fortunately I might have another lead with a mom who has a 9-month-old who wants to do a co-op thing a few days a week, though she's not exactly nearby. We'll see what comes of that. But I am getting to the point where I really must have scheduled time away at least once a week to get out of the house on my own to do work. The stay-at-home full-time thing is beginning to wear a little thin, but I'm fine once I have a break now and then.
Until then, tomorrow I'm getting together with a bunch of other moms for a baby food making party. And I'm seriously looking forward to it. Welcome to my life. :D
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Tuesday, January 8th, 2008
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| Subject: | Post-Holiday Wrap |
| Time: | 3:55 pm. |
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Heya...
So, finally, catching up. Partly because Ju is napping and I'm too lazy to do anything else at the moment.
Julia's first Christmas was lovely, not a huge extravaganza or momentous occasion, but lovely. Neighbors and friends are all saying things like, "Wow, Julia's first Christmas! It must've been really really amazing!" Well, it was lovely. I mean, she doesn't know what's going on, she has no idea why there's a tree in the house or why there's blinky lights on the tree or why she gets to chew on sparkly paper one morning... ooo.. blinky lights... mmm... sparkly paper. My mom came over to spend the night Christmas eve, and we did the McGraw traditional thing and gorged on luxurious munchies (greek caviar salad, tapenade, guacamole and nachos, cheese) while watching DVDs. And the next morning we opened prezzies (read: Julia got to chew on a lot of paper) and mom and I made food most of the day, interspersed by a walk. First, breakfast (French toast) and then a very nummy dinner involving racks of lamb and lots of super wonderful side dishes. Ju was actually very cooperative all this time, and let me do this, which was great. I haven't been able to cook much since she's come into the world, so it was fun.
Neil's and my Christmas presents to each other were kinda lame -- actually, they were nonexistent, just little coupons for specific presents we managed to print off moments before we presented them to each other. No time, no energy to shop for each other. But the thoughts were there, at least.
And now Julia's 6 months old -- holy freakin' cow. She's still getting huger and huger (as she should), and cuter and cuter, and is now starting solids (if you call really watered-down baby cereal "solids"). Her sleep has still been a problem -- I won't bore you -- but after reading way too much on the topic of baby sleep, I am now convinced that the idea of a baby sleeping through the night is mere fiction and is not something that every baby can or will (or maybe even should) achieve until they're at least a year old. Sad, but true. There are babies that are capable, indeed, and Julia has, on the odd night, stunned us by sleeping quite long. But that's an anomaly, not the norm, and so I will be happy if she only wakes 1 to 2 times a night for now. That would be absofuckingtastic.
So that's enough for now -- I will try to write more about other things in the future -- wish me luck. :)
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Tuesday, December 18th, 2007
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| Subject: | Ahh. |
| Time: | 9:41 pm. |
| Mood: |  relaxed. |
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Hey there -- been a while. Things are better here on the farm. England trip went quite well, kiddo tolerated all the travel well and the relations over there were quite smitten with her. It went really fast, though, and didn't feel like much of a holiday for us, other than people cooked for us and we ate relatively healthily on fresh food (compared to what we live off of now... frozen dinners, cold cuts, canned soup... ). Neil did his crazy schedule on the return, literally grabbing his books the minute we got into the house from the airport and heading back out to class.
I will be incredibly glad when he's done, this is his last semester of law school, and I don't think I realized how much I'd miss his company and support this semester until a couple months ago when the days were getting shorter and Ju was getting fussier in the evenings. Even though he still has to study for the bar between now and February and he's technically not on kid duty while studying, at least he'll be home and I have someone I can pass her off to when I need to, oh, pee or something.
Thankfully also she's going to sleep much more easily now, I have a bedtime routine that includes "reading" a couple little books before eating and then, when she conks out from that, putting her down. We are still working on the frequent night wakings, now, but a few nights ago she stunned us by sleeping a record 8 hours straight (of course, we didn't get to bed until a few hours after she started sleeping, so we got in about 5 of those for ourselves -- still amazing). I'm learning that even if she sleeps through the night now, that she will likely undo that progress as she gets older and separation anxiety kicks in or she starts teething again or she experiences whatever other developmental milestone comes up. Oy.
I don't think we can ever appreciate what we've put our parents through until we become parents ourselves. That's probably an obvious statement, but I definitely feel it now more than simply comprehend it.
She's got two little razor-sharp teeth on her bottom gum just about ready to poke themselves out, and I'm beginning to see hints of her as a little girl, not just as a baby. Soon she'll be six months old -- half a year! -- and I can't believe the time has flown by as fast as it has. I keep having dreams of her learning how to talk, or rather mimicking words, left and right. I can't wait for her to learn these things, but I also miss her little teeny baby self.
Neil makes these statements every once in a while that indicate how amused/shocked/surprised he is that I'm enjoying motherhood so much. That doesn't surprise me, but I am surprised that I'm tolerating the stay-at-homeness of it. That's the hard part, but it's working. I often have to remind myself that I can ask for help, and yet I can do a lot on my own with her, too. I'm hoping this next semester, therefore, to get some babysitting help and get out more so I can get more academic stuff done, as well as maintain some sanity.
That being said, I DID actually hand in two PhD projects this semester, both were received well, so that's a relief. The drum study is DONE, but needs a little editing, and my course proposal is pretty cool as is, apparently. Yaaaay. Only two more prelim projects to go.
Off to bed, then. And tomorrow I'll start to prepare to commence to think about getting read for Christmas.
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Sunday, November 18th, 2007
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| Subject: | Oy. |
| Time: | 9:49 pm. |
| Mood: |  exanimate. |
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I adore my child. Love her soooo much. So keep that in mind as you read the followng.
Maybe I expect too much, I don't know. She's just a baby, she's only 4 months old. But man.
The books ("They") say she should be napping at least an hour for each of 2-3 naps per day. And she should be sleeping for at least a 5-hour stretch for her first night "shift". But that she's capable of sleeping 6-8 hours for that stretch.
And I know I shouldn't care what They say. Ever. Our girl is a unique person who will (and should) do things in her own time and in her own way. But it is hard when she naps only a half hour, or only when you're holding her, or only as long as she's attached to your boob. I feel like I spend hours rocking and nursing and singing and playing music to her to get her to sleep. Neil helps along the rocking and music part when he's around (he did a lot this weekend). But when she finally goes down, I'm exhausted. And no wonder, how do you pick up with the rest of your life after you've spent a majority of your day trying to convince another being to sleep?
And when she wakes 3-4 times a night, forget it. Yes, it's not nearly as frequent a thing as when she was a little newborn, but I thought it would be better than this by now.
And maybe that's the problem, I'm expecting too much. If I just don't expect it, I won't feel entitled to it, I won't feel robbed when she gives me two hours of sleep at a time. I'll feel exceedingly thankful that I got a four hour stretch when it comes.
Yet -- and this is why we keep trucking here -- first thing in the morning, when you hear her cooing and talking to herself in the sweetest voice, and look over at her, and see that amazing grin, you melt completely and somewhere, somehow, you get a burst of energy, a shot in the arm that helps you get up and get out of bed.
And so I'll look forward to that smile in the morning. For now, though, I'm quite tired. And trying to wrap my head around a last-minute trip to England this week. Oh, yes. And how this will work in the context of jet lag... who the hell knows. I'm hoping for the best, that's all I can do.
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Saturday, October 20th, 2007
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| Subject: | Happiness is... |
| Time: | 10:19 pm. |
| Mood: |  enthralled. |
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Watching Neil serenade Ju by DJing for her, which is one of the ways I love to experience Neil. I have loved how, on an evening when we're both home and he's tidying away the stacks of CDs he listens to over the week, and I'm busy cooking something very nummy in the kitchen, he just selects one gorgeous song after another, cranking the volume on the speakers that are wired through the whole first floor of the house. Sometimes a jamming song, sometimes a sweet one, and sometimes we'd find ourselves dancing together in the kitchen laughing or being sickeningly sweet to each other, singing along to a song that touches us just so.
Last night, though, he was DJing for Ju. And I watched and let my heart melt as he'd put one song on after another -- "Better Things" by the Kinks, "Every Day" by Buddy Holly -- and then he'd dance with her, sometimes holding her in front of him and singing to her, sometimes holding her to his shoulder and turning her in circles... and she'd stare out at him or at the world with those huge eyes of hers, soaking in the music and him and the world. She's definitely her father's daughter. How fantastically wonderful.
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Monday, October 15th, 2007
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| Subject: | Two things... no, three... no... ah, forget it. |
| Time: | 11:45 am. |
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First, Neil and Ju and I went to Lancaster the other weekend. I had been invited to a party hosted by two old old old high school friends whom I hadn't seen since they graduated (a year ahead of me... so 16 years ago? Yikes.) I'm embarrassed to say that the occasion was marking the 20th anniversary of Star Trek: The Next Generation. Yes, these friends and I actually went to conventions together and, yes, we even had ::gulp:: uniforms that we wore. We met stars of the Old and New Trek, read fanfic, the whole nine yards. I kinda cringed at the idea of seeing them again, and Neil flat-out refused to go with me, so he hung out with Ju at my mom's and I went to the "party" (such as it was) alone.
The event was marked by the hostess (a Very Good Catholic girl in H.S.) chasing around her two little boys while burdened with a huge pregnant belly, and in the midst of all this the three of us trying to catch up on each other's lives since high school. I have to say that I was curious, but not enthralled, and I honestly don't know if I'd go out of my way to hang out with them again. I also realized, by watching Catholic Hostess that sheesh, babyproofing one's house and having a decent enclosed backyard will go a long way to keeping your little ones occupied while adult friends are visiting. I will store that knowledge away should I need it.
Prior to the party I hung out with another old friend (much better company) and learned that his daughter, who is attending a large high school in the area, is being forced to attend a health class that is -- wait for it -- employing Abstinence Only Sex Ed. Yes. They are doing it because they want the federal funds that will only be released if they do this. Crazy. The daughter said she couldn't understand why the school was so hard up for the money, they are swimming in it already. Sheesh. My mom was livid when I told her, saying she'd be picketing the school and screaming her head off if it were her kids. Go mom. It does make me wonder if my old high school is doing the same. If so, it's hard to imagine it -- Lancaster is becoming so much more cosmopolitan and "blue" over the years, but maybe that's just in the "city" and not in the burbs where we lived. Mom said that when Bush visited a couple weeks ago there was a gigantic protest in the center of town, the largest ever in Lancaster. That's LANCASTER, PA -- a place that's gone Republican every year since Abe Lincoln. Crazy.
In other news, Mandala had a cool gig last week, playing for an Iftar (breaking of the Ramadan fast) at the Episcopal cathedral. And apparently the Turkish crowd really dug our tunes and bought a lot of CDs. One guy told me, in his rough English, that he thought my voice sounded like Loreena McKennit's. Hunh. I'll take that.
The wee one stirs...
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Thursday, October 4th, 2007
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| Subject: | Hunh. |
| Time: | 3:57 pm. |
| Mood: |  surprised. |
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She naps. Just about two hours of napping this afternoon.
I've done schoolwork. I've surfed the 'net. I've taken care of pressing email correspondence. I'm on the verge of doing some situps or something... because I CAN! Wow.
I thought that I just might get more efficient with my time by having a kid, and so far that seems to be the case. I hope it stays that way, because it needs to! I am trying to wrap up my drum study (still), and my course proposal (still), and I want to do my self-awareness project this semester as well. Hopefully that's all possible ... and it just might be. Last week, however, Ju was resisting sleeping all day and evening and I was convinced there was no way I would ever get anything done this semester.
I just might, though. Pretty cool. :D
Add to that, I started back at gymnastics this past week. Today I am suffering the wonderful aches and pains from that night, oooooohhhh baby. I have lost all kinds of muscle strength, yet I retain all the muscle memory of doing these skills. So I need to get back into conditioning (especially for these sorry abs) so I can get back to where I was. It was pretty humbling, though, to not be able to do the simplest moves on bars, for instance. But hopefully it'll come back soon.
She stirs... my free time may be over for now. Until next time...
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Thursday, September 27th, 2007
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| Subject: | Parting and reunion... |
| Time: | 5:29 pm. |
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Wow, it's been a long while... but that's life right now. I have spent the last few weeks getting ready for a trip to Northern California with my band, Mandala (www.mandalaband.net -- too lazy to look up how to link that right now). I had agreed to go way back in December, knowing I was pregnant and probably would have a little baby at this time. Neil said he could manage her for the weekend... though it turned out to be a 4-day-long adventure, leaving at Way Too Early Friday morning and coming back just before midnight on Monday.
I worked out the practical stuff like who would look after Ju while Neil was at work, did I have enough milk saved up for her, etc. But the night before I left I couldn't believe the strong emotions I had about leaving for four days -- how could I do this? What kind of mother was I? For a while I thought I'd enjoy the break, but as I pulled away from the house at 5:30 that morning, all I could think of was how shocked Ju would be when she woke up and I wasn't there.
Yeah, turns out she was pretty pissed initially. And then she got over it. And was an angel while I was away. She even did things like... take a pacifier (Neil thinks she even "asked" for it once), ride in the baby swing, and nap. At night. Which she flat-out refused to do the last month or so. What on earth happened? When I got back, she reverted a bit to her old ways, but today she's been napping like crazy. I'm almost worried, but I'm not gonna complain. I finally got some piddly things done, and actually started work on some school stuff, too.
The tour went well, after a disastrous mess getting out of town -- my cohorts were not the most organized and timely, resulting in our barely making it to the gate in time to board the plane and my having to pump my breastmilk in my seat in between these guys. (Fortunately it wasn't as difficult or awkward as I thought it could be.) We were amazingly well-received and sold all the CDs we brought with us... who knows, we might wind up out there again. Northern CA was gorgeous, and I have fond memories of driving down to Sacramento on I-5, passing trucks hauling nothing but garlic. And the signs for olive tastings. oooohh.... if only we'd had more time. It was, indeed, nice to have a break from Ju and to experience being something other than a full-time mom with a kid at my boob 24/7. But I still couldn't be home soon enough, and so I'm glad to be with her again.
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Thursday, August 23rd, 2007
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| Subject: | Timeless and yet not so... |
| Time: | 3:56 pm. |
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Wow, it's been a month already?? Holy cow.
Ju-Ju is growing mightily, and it's wonderful and sad at the same time. I weighed her today at the breastfeeding support group, and she's over 8 pounds now. Soon she'll be two months old. She's looking more filled-out, less like a wee little newborn and more like a baby-baby. And of course she's gorgeous.
Life with her is timeless in many ways, I've spent so many hours just nursing and nursing -- she's a hungry kid and has not wanted to let go of me much, especially the last week and a half or so. They say it's a growth spurt, but that was only supposed to mean two days of crazy nursing or so, and this has been going on for a while. However, today she's chilled out a bit more -- she's just hanging out here in my sling, so I have both hands free to type (though one arm is propping up her head so it bobbles whenever I use my left hand. Kinda funny). Otherwise I've been stuck in front of the TV watching mindless daytime shows and wishing she'd sleep. At night she's been fussier and requires more of Neil's and my mad baby wrangling skilz, though when I share with other new moms what we've been going through, it becomes clear that Julia's quite mellow and mild-tempered. So we're grateful and just have to remember: babies cry. They will get over it. And so will you.
We have gotten out on occasion -- went to a local microbrewery the other night, and she was very cooperative and slept most of the meal. It was a treat to not only get out, but also to be able to, again, use two hands to eat. I've been daring to ::gasp:: nurse in public as well, once at a bar and again at this restaurant. Thankfully no meatheads have had the nerve to approach me to complain, so hopefully I'll avoid that nonsense. PA finally passed a law protecting nursing moms who nurse in public (though my mom points out that the law gives moms "permission" to nurse in public, rather than acknowledging their right to do so, but I haven't looked at the language myself to make a judgement on that point). Regardless, now we can join the rest of the continental U.S. in not pushing nursing moms into public bathrooms or their cars to feed their kids.
Soon school will start up -- hard to imagine -- and I'll have to start contemplating my Ph.D. projects again. But I feel ready, I've had a great break, and I fortunately don't have to go into town for classes this semester and I can work from home. It has been very nice, however, to read sci-fi while nursing and turn my brain off for a while.
Anyway, I've left you poor people hanging on the baby story, so here's another chunk -- thanks for your patience! It's been so touching to revisit it as we marvel at our awesome daughter.
_________
I tell you, the week between the retrieval and transfer has been the most stressful part of the whole IVF thing for us. Physically you're recovering from the retrieval, and emotionally your heart is worrying in overdrive over what will happen. Most IVF people don't have to wait five days for the transfer - their transfers would occur on day 3. But because of the genetic testing we were doing we had to wait another two days. Two long days.
But each day the news was hopeful. All 12 looked great on Tuesday. Wednesday, unfortunately, I didn't hear from them about the biopsy, though I called that afternoon after class to try to find them and the lab people had left for the day already. Bah. But Thursday morning we learned that all 12 embies had enough cells to biopsy, though a couple were straggling and needed more than one cell removed because the nuclei in their cells had disintegrated. Thursday night we went to bed very hopeful. But cautiously hopeful. I had thought that maybe, because things were going so well, that some Law of Luck would lead us to things going horribly by this point. But so far… knock on wood…
I woke up the next morning. And I had that excited feeling in my gut like I used to get on Christmas mornings. And birthday mornings. I had this feeling that it was going to be a great day. But I daren't voice it… didn't want to jinx anything.
We made the drive up to the clinic again, but the mood this time was much different. We were still nervous as hell. But excited. On the elevator ride up to the clinic's floor, Neil hugged and kissed me, and we looked each other determinedly in the face. Time to face what we had. And we were going for it.
We waited in the waiting room, and saw a couple nurses and doctors in scrubs hurrying by the door, going back and forth. It was hard to read what was going on. I just hoped that they would tell us to go into a treatment room rather than come in there to talk to us, like last time. And sure enough… finally, a nurse came in and said to follow her. Back to the same room where my eggs were retrieved the Sunday before.
We were left alone, and Neil and I gawped at each other - does this mean… do we have….? I got changed and sat on the examination table, and we waited, again, long, anxious minutes to hear what the situation was. A nurse came in to set out some instruments, and we asked… since we're back here, this must mean we have something to transfer, right? And she said… guess so, but I don't know the details. She left again. Aiiyyee… it was like having your tongue pulled out of your head. Very very slowly.
Finally, Dr. B came. Yay, Dr. B!! With him was the embryologist who had been working on our embryos and calling us all week. "So we have two really great-looking unaffected blastocysts. The embryologists are recommending we transfer either or both of these. So how many do you want to do?"
A moment of elation, and then we had to seriously pause. We had a split-second moment to decide. Did we want to risk twins? We had discussed that this was a possibility, but the reality of it seemed so remote until now. But we hardly thought about it. Neil and I both nodded. "We'll go for it," I said. "Let's do both of them." Holy shit!!!!
After the embryos were transferred, I had to stay lying down for ten minutes. My favorite nurse came in and gave me a very excited, bubbly hug. And then a minute later the head embryologist came in with a photo of our little blastocysts. It's an amazing picture, and we melted the moment we saw them. Neil currently has this shot on his laptop's wallpaper.
They may look a little odd, but that's because… they're hatching!! Which is what happens around day 5-6 in an embryo's life. And it's the perfect timing to transfer them into the uterus, because the blastocyst can't implant until it hatches out of the zona. The embryologist was so geeked about how great they looked. And he then gave us a run-down on the rest of the embies.
One didn't survive to transfer day - it was one of those that needed a few cells removed at the biopsy that day. And its PGD results were "no signal," meaning that maybe the DNA disintegrated before the tests could be done.
5 were affected by the syndrome.
6 were unaffected by the syndrome. We'd transferred two of those, leaving four to keep growing. So the plan was to let all of these grow one more day, and then see which ones reached blastocyst stage. Those that did would be frozen. None of these were blasts yet, but some were close (both syndrome ones and non-syndrome ones). And so we would find out the next day what we would be keeping in storage.
Finally, I was allowed to get up and go home. And on the ride home, we kept saying, "Holy shit." Because it was quite a surprise. We could have twins! And then we realized, maybe we shouldn't be swearing quite so much, the little ones might hear. Holy crap.
Now came more waiting. About two weeks later I would have a blood test to see if these guys decided to stick around. It was a strange couple weeks, because I had been used to making the drive up to the clinic nearly every day for a few weeks there, and then we were on the phone with them about the status of the embies, and then suddenly we were on our own. Just letting things go, hoping for the best. I still had some shots to do - progesterone intramuscular ones. In my butt. Every night. Yippee. But Neil was very skilled at giving them, surprisingly. And so we settled into our bedtime routine where I'd hug a huge stuffed bunny while I got stuck by a scarily long needle.
Now, theoretically I could have taken a home pregnancy test about a week later to try to see if it worked - but I decided to hold out and wait until the blood test. I didn't see the point in finding out early that I was pregnant, but then something went wrong and by the time the blood test was done I'd lost the pregnancy. Better to wait to be sure. But I did wonder, how could I not? I analyzed every burp and twinge I felt, wondering if the little guys were digging in. I hoped and pleaded with God, the universe, whatever. Please oh please oh please.
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| Subject: | The Competent State |
| Time: | 10:05 am. |
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So Julia's birth certificate arrived yesterday.
They spelled her name "JULIA SLOBHAN".
We're tempted to not correct it, maybe if she turns out to be a messy kid we can just call her "Slobhan" all the time.
Sheesh.
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finellasmuse's journal
sad.