Filmfemme

Rating: *

Review: What is wrong with this movie? There's only one way to explain. That's right. A numbered list.

1.) It gave me Troy flashbacks, what with all the fighting and lack of funny characters. I think that's what gets me the most. What the hell is the point of life if you're not funny or you don't know anyone who is?
2.) Three hours? No movie should ever be this long.
3.) Take everything I love about Colin Farrell--his barely understandable Irish accent, his charm, his cute hair--and throw it away. Let's make him bland with big doe eyes. My Colin isn't some pretty boy; he's a man! A rogue! A brunette! I won't accept anything else.
4.) Everyone says this, but I'm bringing it up again. They aged Angelina Jolie, like, ten minutes or so over thirty years. It was the worst supposed makeup job I've ever seen. Worst of all, she'd sometimes whine about looking old. "Your father loved me when I looked twenty-six, but now that I look twenty-six and ten minutes, he's turned to younger women! Twenty-five year olds!"
5.) There were a few scenes where Angelina seemed to be saying, "How 'bout another Oscar, huh? The other one's getting lonely." She was totally hamming it up big time, and it was not pretty.
6.) Gay, straight, whatever. I don't care, but none of the romances seemed to ring true. Alexander had more sexual chemistry with his mom than anyone.
7.) The mind-numbing boredom.

The last three will be good things because I'm an optimist sometimes.
8.) Colin Farrell is my boyfriend, and he did what he could with the script. I could tell.
9.) It wasn't four hours.
10.) I liked the scene in which Alexander tames a wild horse. He was like Alexander the Horse Whisperer. That's a favorite film cliche of mine.