Twenty years and one day ago, I tried to kill myself.

(It didn't work, btw).

But the damned rice in the Jambalaya won't cook. I fear it's gonna turn into a sticky mess before it gets soft enough. That's what I get for using brown basmati rice. I've been eating too many processed grains lately, I needed something fortifying and whole. Which just happens to take too damn long to cook.

I got a new hoodie today.

Also, visited my professor and did some other stuff, winding up to be a long day (4 hours sleep wasn't enough, I fear).

Once the rice is softened up, I'm making the quick trip to the Post Office and then back home.

ETA: Okay, the rice will not be done until The Man shows up for dinner, so the trip to the post office will have to be post-prandial.

Fuck yah. But what can you do?

Tags: writer's block

Okay, that Yay! is me trying to keep my energy up.

Really, I'm very, very, very sleepy.

Zombie-like.

And stupidly, craving a cigarette.

DAMN IT.

Last week was a crazy busy social week, in which I did so much fun stuff I cannot begin to tell you. But Sunday morning I started the inevitable descent and today I'm so tired, and kind of sad. BUT BUT BUT. I'm still feeling better than I was before.

And today is a nice day, filled with coffee, and later a walk to some place in the neighborhood to enjoy the sunshine. Maybe I'll go buy eggs!


p.s. Thanks again, Gillen!

Tags: life, mood

We got the apartment. I'm trying very hard to get stabilized so that I can be the best person, partner and parent I can be. It's windy today and I have plans to paint my fingernails blue, to match my toes. Blue is my colour these days. I need to be calmed.

I've got a phone appointment with my county caseworker in a few minutes, and I'm damn near terrified. I asked for a phone visit because my anxiety has gotten so bad, I couldn't imagine going in. Good thing I did, too, because I've gotten so doped up on my new meds that I really would rather not drive until afternoon, when most of the effects have worn off.

So, what's it like, life on an anti-psychotic? So far, so so. I feel better than ever, for the most part. But I still feel... I dunno. Let's say, I still feel outside the norm and still react to stress "like 'whoa'". I cannae seem to get myself on balance and energized and focused all at once very often, but when I do, it's lasting longer and yielding more satisfying results. So there is that.

I'm sure I mentioned that I fell down and hit my head last week. I still have bruises and some painful parts from that, which are good reminders to stand up slowly and hold on to railings when walking stairs, taking the bus, etc.

It's raining today, which is fine, I suppose but I still haven't located a rain proof jacket for the little one. He's got his winter coat at school, which is better than nothing if he needs to be outside and it's raining. But it's not really cool enough for such a jacket.

Okay, it's late, I need to get some papers and information together for my caseworker. I'm scared of him. He seems rather unsuited for this work, unless he likes to punish people. He is nice enough, but very... military.
 
It is difficult to explain. Suffice to say I've always had a problem with authority figures and he definitely represents authority. I'm frightened that I will lose my medical coverage and then have to stop taking my new meds because they are not generic and cost 155 USD per month.

Plus, no more doctor or dentist visits for me.

But being scared isn't helping anything. Today is a day to just do what must be done. And maybe cook some Thai food.

ETA: Okay, got through the interview*. Will be getting a few ducats for the boy's food, which is nice. I can buy him fresh veggies and fruits, which he adores. If the new Vietnamese grocery store accepts Quest, I can also pick up some crispy anchovies with sesame for him. I thought I'd be the only one who would like that snack, but he seems to love it! That's my boy.

*although I was quite literally _shaking_  throughout the interview.  I also started crying a bit, I was so tense and nervous. Wow, I really wish I could have a drink right now. Not gonna do it, just wish I could.

Tags: crazies, food, life, mental, money, mood

But I got here and had nothing to say.
Found a beautiful apartment which I very much want to make my home with my partner and my son.
Am creating a new understanding of myself and what I can do at this point in my life, taking my illness seriously and taking it's treatment seriously as well.

Also, I'm bloody hungry. I think it's time for breakfast.

From the wreckage of a very depressed and suicidal period rises the beautiful new growth of hope. Life will out, right?

Today, was not a bad day, but one in which I did not get very much done. Indeed, I did not dress until 5pm, did not leave my building *but did leave the apartment to get the mail*, and have not talked to any women. I don't often talk to women these days. It's very strange.

Anyhow, I digress. So, I had some chicken and vegetables which were best cooked today, and in a fit of energy and inspiration (yay for both), I got up the gumption to make a proper meal. Broiled chicken, Stuffing made with homemade whole wheat/oatmeal bread, broccoli and asparagus. I called the Man to see if he wanted to join me.

He had things to do at home, he said, would it be alright if he just came for dinner? But of course, as I had things (mainly watching a marathon of The Corner) to do this evening. We arranged a time based on how long the chicken would be in the oven, and I prepared everything, set timers, started my Corner viewing...

At the predetermined time, my buzzer rang, and I began plating up the dinner. We had salad as well as the aforementioned delights.
We were sitting at the table by 5:20 sharing a lovely hot meal together. Afterward the Man fixed my garbage disposal (in which a shot glass was mysteriously ground up, the clean up of which resulted in my getting a rather ugly cut on the tip of the middle finger of my dominant hand this Friday past), emptied my dishwasher and did my dishes while I put the food away and cleaned the counter.

A mutual friend called for cooking advice while we worked.

We talked and did paperwork for a while, and then, one hour and 15 minutes after he walked in the door, I told him he best get on home, I had things to do. I walked him down to the door, kissed him goodbye and picked up my (junk, alas) mail.

It was a wonderful, calm, domestically blissful 75 minutes which I feel distinctly grateful for.

When I am very freaked out and particularly when I am suicidal, I do not fee capable of such interaction and such feelings. It is very difficult.

It turns (it has turned) my world upside down to have repeated (and rapidly returning) bouts of depression and suicidality. It has changed my life for the worse, but at least, at least there are these golden moments of clarity where I feel something that is calmness and light and good. Not overly good, but decent, human, and worthy.

My reality is...different from what I expect, and that difference is hard to reconcile. But I am still, essentially, me, and I will survive.

Also, I have a torrent post which will fascinate and delight someone on my fl, I just know it. But that is for another day. Now, it's 5 hours of telly. Wow, that's sloth.

::sigh of contentment::

Tags: day to day, depression, food, health, life, love, me, mood, television

Ack. OMG. There is no sleep involved. And why can't the tv/ps2/fortbuilding/legos/movies keep them from coming into my room every 2 minutes?!?!

I am NOT interesting. I am a crabby, tired mom. That is all.

There is fun out there, look! Nothing to see here.

Tags: day to day, family, kids, mamma