paper princess

i was reading through old entries and i was reminded...

does anyone remember the two traveling notebooks i sent out in the summer of 2003? i never saw either of them again...

karla, farrah, tom, eric, chris, tania, phil, jennie... and a bunch of people i knew only through LJ names back then... anyone know what happened to either of these books? i'd bet they both got "lost" in someone's shuffle along the way, and probably one of the folks i didn't know so well. cause i still talk to most of the people i just named there... 'speshully since i just found chris on facebook last week!

but anyway, yeah, if anyone remembers this... can you let me know what the last known status of any of these books was?

i'll be adding more over the next couple of days as i get the rest of the pics from my dad and my boss... so excited! and sorry all the pictures of super adorable george are sideways, myspace always does that to my vertical pics...

http://viewmorepics.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewPicture&friendID=1843223&albumId=1367413

So sorry to be begging like this but i could REALLY use your help…

i’m in a desperate race to raise as much money as possible for children with cancer before 5pm tomorrow, when i get my head shaved!!

my friends have had the advantage of fundraising for WEEKS before the event… however, there was a challenge thrown down and i am a competitive girl, so i’m trying to rise to the occasion here and beat the pants off of all of them. i’m trying to raise, get this, $100 by tomorrow at 5pm. right now i have $2, and that’s a start! but i can’t do this without your help.

you can either donate through the St. Baldrick’s website (link at the bottom of this post) or to me on paypal (brokedown_tiger AT yahoo. com) and i pinky-swear it’ll go directly to the foundation as long as you specify that somewhere. on sunday, i’ll be making a random drawing out of everyone that donated and sending out 3 fantastic presents to show my gratitude!

so please… if you know a child who’s been effected by cancer, hell if you know any children at ALL and just couldn’t picture losing them to something as horrible as cancer… help me out? yes, it’s about winning… a bit… but more importantly, it’s about doing every little bit i can for those lovely kids.

here’s where you can donate: https://www.stbaldricks.org/participants/shavee_info.html?ParticipantKey=2008-40445

i think i'm going to do something dramatic and phase this journal out. i know i know, what's different from all those times i've just dissappeared, right? well... this time i'm still writing, but i just don't feel like this is the forum for me any more. i don't have the time to keep up with everyone i'd like to keep up with... i don't participate in the communities any more...

i'm not going to delete this journal, or paperprncess... there's just too many things i like at both journals, and i can't help but go back and re-read some of the entries every now and then. i am, however, going to either find new maintainers for my groups (wenches, cooking, etc) or if they're totally inactive... just delete them.

my writing's kind of going in many directions these days, there's my knitting journal, my attempt at deconstruction, and i do some posting over at myspace and okcupid these days too. now, i want to find a way to add cooking and a 365 photo project to my journaling world, too. do i start new journals? do i add these new dimensions of me to an existing one? well... if i'm going to start combining things, i might as well combine them ALL, and just keep good track of tags... linking to the individual subjects on the side bar. i can see it now... a list, Food, Unraveled, 365P, Knits, Words...

now the only problem is... where do i do this? do i piggy-back on unraveled? do i throw this all under the umbrella of The Looking Glass? i think im going to start slow... we'll see.

getting back to the point.

but i do know the fat has to be trimmed somewhere, and i think LJ is it. thank you all who've been along with me on this ride... it's been like 7 years now! and who's to say i won't end up back here again. but for now... i sincerely hope you'll join me at one of my other blogs. if i ever figure it out and come up with some unified theory, i'll be sure to post a link here, i promise!

disclaimer- this was all typed verbatim as i was listening to the conversationl

M: obama for president... hah... you've got to be kidding me.

J: oh you dont like him?

M: his daddy was from africa, and his mother's as white as can be, beautiful woman, lives in kansas and got re-married. so he's mixed races.
he's a muslim and some other bad thing, too, did you know?

J: well, a lot of the young people like him

M: of course they do, they don't know better. they have ::whispered:: sex with people who have the same parts as their own, and think nothing about the consequences of recreational drug use! of course, they could do worse, they could elect that adulterous swine's wife. (here's where she notices me...) oh hi honey, your hair looks lovely today! did i ever tell you about when my hair was that color...


now picture all of M's lines spoken with that gravely nasally old lady voice that that just makes you want to stuff small kittens in your ear. she's the kind who really likes to hear herself talk. a lot.

the guy i want doesn't have a profile picture of his bulging biceps; his pics show his funnier side, and might even involve a dress!

he doesn't have track pants with snaps down the side; unless he bought them for a dollar at the thrift store cause they had a funny logo on them.

he's not some 6-foot-tall adonis with a chiseled jaw and a washboard stomach; he's a little bit soft, and just right for hugging.

his idea of a good time isn't watching football with the guys; it's playing kickball in the parking lot at 3am with all his favorite boys and girls... and he knows the girls'll get picked first, cause they kick ass.

he's not in finance. he's not in business. he's not in some boring career-track money-focused job; he does what he loves. he makes movies, he works for a record label, he works with kids... whatever it is, he does it because he loves it.

his movie collection doesn't have a lot of action blockbusters and "miracle" sports flicks; he's got shelves and shelves full of horror flicks, a good stash of the classics, B and indie comedies (but i'm a cheerleader!) and a few local projects his friends made.

he doesn't have a long list of "chicks he nailed", or see girls as a conquest; he still thinks about his exes, he's still got a little bit of a broken heart from at least one, and though he might have been a bit of a slut once, it was just a couple of friends fooling around ;)

he doesn't have a big ol' group of "the boys"; most of his best friends are actually girls, and they're awesome.


everything about him is the opposite of what the media tells me i'm supposed to want. a little gap in the teeth? cool! can't carry a tune? don't worry, i can. balding? whatever, i knit, so i'll make you a hat if you're cold!

give me your broke, your damaged, your "nice guys finish last".

cause i finally figured out... that's what i want.

there's this old guy charlie in the office where i work.

charlie calls me "alice blue dress" because i remind him of some old song
charlie starts most of his sentences with "you're too young to remember, but..."
charlie's the king of the old boys club, and says "if my contacts would just quit dyin', i'd be a millionaire by now".
charlie calls the boss "the lady" and tips an imaginary hat at her when she comes in
charlie's stories go on for half an hour, and after the first ten minutes he's just repeating himself... but there's no way you're gonna stop him, cause he's too nice to listen to.
charlie wears irish-made sweaters every day cause "those mics, they know how to make shit to keep an old drunk like me warm."

they don't make 'em like charlie any more :)

heath ledger died this afternoon. and you want to know what an insensitive prick i am? my first thought was "well if joker doesn't die in 'Dark Knight' then we're fucked...!" god i'm lame.

i'm gonna go watch 10 things i hate about you.

my best friend is moving in with her girlfriend.

i love her girlfriend, very much... and i love my best friend more than anything!! and i told her i'm happy for her... but deep down in my gut, some little monster started making noises...

they've been together since july... strike one.
the last girl my bestest girl moved in with... was awesome. until my girl moved in with her and she became an emotionally abusive manipulating bitch. ruining my girl's life for about 2 years...strike two.
my girl's bipolar... and not really treating it the best she can. she's finally aware of it, and accepts it... but she's not so keen on actually being aggressive with any kind of treatment. AND she's seasonally effected... january and february are the worst times for her. she's more emotional and more vulnerable in those months. i know cause i'm the same way... and i'm afraid she's doing this for a quick fix. or even worse... she'll blow up at the first little problem and ruin something that could've been fantastic for her.

i've watched my girl bounce from lame to crazy over the years. she's dated some intense bombs and wackjobs like you wouldnt believe. i'm very afraid that she's staying with this girl... because she's nice. yeah, her girlfriend's smart, sweet, stable, funny... but more often than not, my girl calls me with all of the little nagging thoughts in her mind, about it just not being right...

am i over-reacting? am i being too protective? do i have ANY business saying something to my girl?

i've got some time... her girlfriend has to be out of the place she's in by the end of the month (hence the timing on her asking my girl to move in with her) but my girl's decided to move in a little later...

::sigh::

ps, i start my new job tomorrow, front desk at a real estate office. after the first week of training, i'll have TONS of free time to dick around online... ! the girl i'm taking over for...she asked me if i used facebook... cause i was gonna need something to kill the time! haha.

i get absolutely wrecked when any of my favorite shows feature disabled guest-stars.

the episode of SVU where the girl with downs is pregnant? breaks my heart.

but the CSI: Miami one that just aired really got me. Eugene, the character, isn't grossly disabled, there's no physical "characteristics" to clue you in... he's just very sweet, and a little slow. and all he wants is to help H "get the bad guy". ( spoiler )

i just got my 10th tattoo last week! i'm a bit reticent to count the stuff on the arms as individual ink as they'll be full sleeves eventually, but i think i'm counting by "visits to the shop for stuff other than touch-ups" so it works for me. one day, when i can afford to have a paid flickr account, i'll put up a set of my tattoos as i hope the number will just keep growing!

for fun, in order and with a brief discription:
1. 4th chakra symbol, on sternum
2. om symbol on front of left shoulder
3. "little pink sock"... mooch from muts lovin' his sock!
4. crappy triple moon and stars on left inner wrist. what can i say, i love my cousin but she started out as a REAL shitty artist
5. my favorite so far (what can i say, i play favorites), my leaves. right forearm.
6. here's where it gets a bit fuzzy on order, uh... i think next was the bleeding hearts on my ankle?
7. which would mean the skull/rose on the left foot was next
8. then the skull/vines on the right foot
9. tolkein-inspired design to "mask" (not cover, just disguise) the crappy triple moon. at the same time, we did a silly little cat face on my left hand. long story.
10. my coheed and cambria dragonfly on right arm, done by the same cousin who has gotten a LOT better.

next, i finish the tolkein design (it's pretty, but it needs something More) then start on my coheed and cambria half-sleeve. it's going to be truly inspired, lemme tell you. omg. i'm already squeeing over it and we haven't even drawn it up yet!

pic of the most recent one:

ok so i've tackled ONE thing so far this year... a zombie movie!

i'll be the first to admit that i'm a big huge baby when it comes to movies. suspense, drama, whatever no problem. i LOVE movies. but scary? zombies? um... hold me.

but i woke up today wanting to change that. so i reached out to the first person i could think of with an extensive zombie movie collection (and it didn't hurt that it was one more excuse to hang out with him)... the aforementioned Complicated Boy! this is the email i sent him:

today, i find myself struck by a very strange tingly feeling. today, i've got a funny feeling in my tummy. today, i find myself wanting something i've never really wanted before...

to watch a zombie movie.

i know, right? i have NO idea where this came from, but i woke up this morning and decided that it was about time i faced my movie fear. now, i'm not willing to watch the grudge or anything (shut up, that commercial HAUNTED me!) but i think i just might be ready for Dawn of the Dead. i waited for a while, wanted it to be just right... the moment's got to be magical and special, you know? but... well... like having sex on prom night (which i didn't do actually...) this just feels right!

so uh... wanna watch a movie with me? i'll feed you clementines and cookies :)

and he said yes! he's a little (read: a lot) sick right now, so i really meant it about the clementines and cookies. he actually raved about my cookies (all home-made) and thought they were delish! yeah, i actually blushed. the poor boy also got a face massage for the congestion, and some lung work cause he's cute. (hey, i've got to put that massage degree to work for me SOME how!) he was still coughing when i left... but looked slightly more comfortable, and hopefully he was able to fall asleep right away after i left. it was worth it to see him relaxed and breathing comfortably for a few minutes while i worked on him.

but i digress! we watched Dawn of the Dead, one of his favorites. he's a bit of a Romero fan. i thought it would be a good way to start, with a classic. watching DotD with him was like watching Pop-Up-Video on VH1!! it was SO much fun, and really informative. i don't know why i was so reluctant to watch that movie before, this is a big step in alice world! now, to conquer the REST of 2008...

********************************
on a side note, adam used to say that one of the reasons he liked doing things for me was seeing my "excited face". nothing dirty, folks, but more about the fact that i'm a 5 year old kid. if a good song came on, if something was particularly tasty, if i remembered something i wanted to tell him, i would get all excited and kind of... bounce, and smile, and talk really fast, and get all animated.

adam told me once after we broke up that's one of the things he missed most... seeing "that face you make when you really like something, and stuff".

... that's the face Complicated Boy made any time he was explaining something to me or making sure i was paying attention to a particularly good part. now it just makes me want to make him smile like that again!

have you ever come across someone else's words that say exactly what you'd like to, and probably better than you could do yourself? i'd just like to share a few recent examples of that.

ex. 1:
ever seen the movie Snow Day? it's a kids movie, and it's not really that good, but whatever, the little ones like it. we watched it at some point over the break, and it's the classic... girl is in love with her best friend, and is trying to help him get the girl he digs cause she's just that good of a friend. in trying to convince the other girl in question that the boy is worth it, she says this-
you know how when you make a snow angel, no matter how beautiful it is, there's still that hand print from when you had to climb out of it? well, with him, there's no hand print.
paraphrased, of course, but that's pretty close to what she says based on my recollection. anyway, that's what i want. i want to find my "there's no hand print" guy... it's such a simple naive thing, beautiful in its innocence. and for one who likes to find the simple beauty and innocence in things, how perfect!

ex. 2:
found in an email from a friend-
i just have to catch my breath before i let someone take it away.
no explanation needed. that's just beautiful, he's a fantastic writer. that LINE took my breath away.

ex. 3:
i'm in a bit of a 'situation' with a boy right now. in fact, the one who wrote the second example. you're all smart folks, look at that line again, i'm pretty sure you can deduce a bit of what my situation is. if not, no worries, i'll go into it in further detail later! (he's on my myspace and facebook, but i've made certain that he doesn't know where to find my livejournal, i've got to have SOMEWHERE i can write about him!) anyway, we had separate plans for new years, with no intention to meet up, but i ended up running into him anyway which was a lovely surprise! i can't get enough of this kid, he makes me so happy. but i have to behave, and so does he, while he "catches his breath". so there's a definite tension... but we enjoy eachother's company so damn much, we'll just have to deal with it for now :) heh. after i get a big hug and a kiss on the forehead, he ran off to his car (partially cause it was cold and i had his jacket, partially because 10 more seconds and we'd have been making out again) and i ducked into mine. i turned on my iPod, hit shuffle, and this song came up-
why'd you have to be so cute
it's impossible to ignore you
why must you make me laugh so much?
it's bad enough we get along so well
... say goodnight and go
ohhh imogen heap, why must you read my mind? luckily, it's a happy hopeful little song, so i drove home grinning like an idiot, grateful for another fantastic night hanging out with mr. wonderful.

that's all for now, you'll hear more about mr. wonderful later, i'm sure...

oh, interesting side note! the icon with this post was taken on new years eve, 2001, by phil :)

oh, and can someone please tell me why i can still see all the posts from a friend of mine who posts naked pictures of girls on a regular basis, but two other women have EVERY entry cut for inapropriate material?

i guess i've been away too long.

i know, i suck. i dissapeared again. but i've been writing lately, and writing means the need to post again!

first, just gonna share two things i posted at okcupid recently. the first one was posted today, the second one, almost a year ago. enjoy?

( here them is )

i remember a few months back posting about how a song... had just perfectly nailed a feeling. and it kind of feels like ever since then, i've had someone following me around, making sure i've got just the right soundtrack for just the right moments. after hanging out (bad idea) with my ex boyfriend one night, i get in the car to hear "how could something so right wind up so wrong". was going through a little personal re-invention, i kept hearing "it's a new dawn, it's a new day it's a new life for me" on my iTunes.

so i don't take it lightly when there's a certain muse song that just keeps managing to sneak into my life. i get a ride home from marissa... she's popping in the cd. i go for a walk with my dog... it comes up on shuffle. i go to the movies... and there's a clip of it in a preview! (dont ask me which one, i have NO idea.) so now what i'm trying to do is... figure out why. interpret the sign. what do i DO with this?

( butterflies and hurricanes lyrics )

two posts in one nite, crazy. not like anyone reads this anyway... hah.

i was driving around tonite with my friend D talking about my relationship... weirdnesses. about how being a girl with all guy friends makes things complicated. it's very difficult to make that transition from "one of the boys".

there's been a lot of strangeness going on with me and boys these days, it's like i've just forgotten how to relate. D explained it best. "people like us, we know it's a game. we see it, we see the bullshit for what it is, and we just don't want to play. we can't help but want to shout fuck you at everyone else who's playing along. we just want to be allowed to be real, and move on." yes. well played mr. D. lucky for him, he landed himself an amazing wife who is just cool as shit, and he's out of The game. heh.

so that's my problem. one of the complicated-guys involved is, as D put it... smart enough to be aware of the bullshit, but he's fine playing along. he knows that if he plays it right, he can remain that big fish in the little pond, and keep odds stacked in his favor, even though he has no idea what he wants. one of these days, he'll be done... he won't want to play any more, and he'll look outside of The game and find himself someone real. but for now he's happy trying to land a girl how you're "supposed" to.

the other complicated-guy is just... a game unto himself. he's inventing his own rules... i've learned the signs over the years (steal third? run home!) and what they mean... but his "signals" have no connection to the way everyone else plays. what does it mean when you say this to me, or touch my arm a few too many times? i demand a copy of your rule book! its like... he sees through it, and instead of shouting fuck you like me and D, he's gone the other direction and just decided to make things more complicated, as a buffer.

and then add me to the mix. no, i don't want to play. i WANT to be allowed to be straight forward, and be myself. i want to be able to curl up with you, and know that... this is the part where one of us makes a move. i want to be able to... feel wanted, not just scared shitless that i'm reading way too much into nothing. so i solve that by just not doing anything. with my guy friends, i'm very physical! there's hugs and kisses, butt pinches, wrestling matches, the occasional spanking... hah. but get it into my head that i like someone, and i go on like... lock-down. all of a sudden, i find myself worrying about how THEY'RE interpreting what i'm doing, or some other bullshit. its like.. by NOT wanting to play along, i've made it more complicated by trying to figure out how to join in from the outside.

*anyone reading this: does ANY of this make sense??*

WHY is this such a complicated thing, why is it always a game? hi, i think you're really amazing and i'd like to kiss you now, how 'bout that?

secret: i'm too chicken-shit to say that to anyone.

ganked from spikyme. no one tagged HIM, so i feel it's only fair i steal it from him. and i acually like this one :)

7 Songs...

List seven songs you are into right now, no matter what the genre, whether they have words, or even if they're not any good, but they must be songs you're really enjoying now. Post these instructions in your Live Journal along with your seven songs. Then tag seven other people to see what they're listening to.

the prize fighter inferno - who watches the watchmen
if you go to his myspace page, the video for this song is on there. and it's just beautiful, i can't get it out of my head.

coheed and cambria - the light and the glass
some time around 3:30am, if i'm in luke's garage and chuck's there, chuck inevitably picks up a guitar. and we usually sing this song together. it's... very all about longing and well... yes.

tiger army - in the orchard
it's just delightful!

rise against - ready to fall
listen to the lyrics, really LISTEN to them. then tell me that shit ain't deep. i may post the lyrics here at a later date, it's that good.

rise against - rumors of my demise have been greatly exagerated
"when i die, will they remember not what i did but what i havent done? it's not the end that i fear with each breath, it's life that scares me to death. yep, two rise against songs, deal. HOW did i take this long to listen to my brother and fall in love with these guys? idiot.

backup plan - are you writing this shit down ace?
"i'll be writing it down so i don't forget, turning losses into lessons so there's no room for regret." i love when a song gives name to something i've lived for years.

silent majority - arthur trevor
the first lines in this song are going into a tattoo on my arm. "if we come back as ghosts, we'll haunt the things that we cherish most."

i'm in a bit of a "loud" place these days, can you tell? i'm a bit agitated and cranky and... overwhelmed these days. so there's nothing better than driving around and screaming along with some of my favorite boys.

my friends were... yeah, freestyle-battling tonite. it's ADORABLE. i joined in with a few lines here and there, and luke kept "hatin" on my short phrases telling me to go back to writing... so i did. this is what i came up with when i got home.

matt, if you're reading this... uh... shh.

a'ight so maybe i can't spit
maybe i should just quit
but nah, then you'd think you won, then you'd think you were the shit
you keep makin' jokes about head
baby you WISH i'd take you to bed
you wish i didn't have it bad for your friend even though inside he's kinda dead
ok so maybe i'm just bitter
but at least i'm no quitter
cause if i stop now you'd keep telling yourself that you're some kind of heavy hitter
so yeah i'm better with the pen
cause i can think about it then
and write your ass into the ground over and over again
you shoot the shit like you're so fly
but you're just like any other guy
you talk and talk but when it comes down to it, it's "thanks, bye bye!"
no follow through
nothing to offer to
anyone who gives a shit and actually cares about you
(ok so maybe that wasn't exactly directed at you, but rejection hurts and i just dont know what else to do)
see, you thought i had nothing to say
but all these thoughts came to me on the way
and i had to get them outa my head before i could hit the hay
strange shit happens at night
and i'm not used to going down without a fight
so i'm failing at this "live and let live" shit, try as i might
i can't get him out of my head
and in these seconds before i go to bed
it's the worst, my heart races and my face blushes bright red
fuck, have i said too much?
maybe i just miss the touch...
of someone who was recently depending on a crutch
i haven't written in a while
and putting pen to paper again makes me smile
thanks for reminding me! ... fuck i can't think of a rhyme, i just keep thinking of Kyle.
shit.

ever let your dishes just get so dirty that you just want to throw them out?

me neither. totaly.



i've been drawing again. kind of wish i was writing again... but that'll come. i should start taking pics of my artwork for y'all some time and sharing it... right now i'm focusing on sketches for upcoming tattoos. i've got three, count 'em, THREE tattoo appointments between now and pennsic. don't worry, the last one is a full two weeks before we leave and it's with stacey sharpp, her tattoo's have this amazing methodic way of healing and i should be pretty much done with 3 or 4 days to spare :)

i got that itch the other night... when i was on my way home from cait's on thursday nite/friday morning, i had the UNDENIABLE urge to head right out to 4inthemorning and tell christian to do something, anything, just because. so i called the next day and made an appointment. it's summer, i've got the tattoo itch again! i mean... last year i got a total of 4 (FOUR!) new pieces. it's already halfway through june, and i've got NOTHING to show for 2007 yet! 'course... i'm broke, that could be why, but... i'll find a way. i always do.

i've asked my friend matt to design one for me, i'm REALLY excited... his artwork is excelent!