| Sep. 7th, 2005 @ 09:23 am ALMOST |
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Current Mood:  crushed
Current Music: Foolish games
"only a fool breaks his own heart"
HEH! I heard this lyric from one of my bro's RnB and Soul CD collection, which he plays in the car every morning (keeps him awake he said). HA! with all those trumpets and drum beats we can have a "disco" there and then. But anyway, there are BLUEs songs in there too. Most of them I can so relate I almost even cried when I heard this other song of a man asking how and what should he do to break it gently to the girl he loves. As the song progresses, you realized he has a wife ie he's having an affair.
OH guys.. I could only shake my head in disgust and disappointment. HOW COULD YOU DO THAT! I asked in my thoughts. But his voice is so achingly, heartbreaking... (wow! sounds like an "idol judge" comment!)
One thing I learned that makes guys sooo depressingly annoying is their endless contradictions with regards to their actions, words and thoughts. I bet if he learns to support what he says with his actions, the world of hearts will be a better place. OF COURSE.. there will always be exemptions. And it aint as easy as do-re-mi.
GOING BACK! I now re-elect myself as an Official "fool", causing my own heartbreak. But compared to previous weeks, I ain't doing that bad. Just like the famous quote of Jennifer Aniston, we could be lonely, upset, confused but we could also be doing well.
It is soo much easier to relate to other people's unhappiness. And sometimes I wonder at night, just when my eyelids become heavy, how can 3 months be utterly significant. I would literally be scared out of my wits and wake up again.. maybe I'm not meant to fall in love. It's too harsh, too heartbreaking. I thought with him I am safe, and secured. Instead I find myself disbelieving him. Was it even real?!
There is a tinsy winsy voice in my head that sometimes would urge me to succumb and bend my pride once more. But what for? to be vulnerable again at the thoughtless words he would throw at me?!
I cant.
I have to remind myself every waking hour, everytime i look away from the computer to relax my eyes, everytime i see an industry labelled shirt, a kathmandu bag, smell giorgio armani, pass the corners where we sat, glance at my photo album, walk to skycity, wait for my bus, walk along Fitzwater Place and finally when I couldnt sleep at night when the moon is so bright ----- remind that he just isnt at the same place where I left him. He's been gone a long time ago.... maybe even more than three months.
He told me once that it was not him who looked me in the eye and walk another direction... (this was actually me)
But... he just isnt there anymore. I cannot sense him. "where is your heart" by Kelly Clarkson best describes this.
He didnt even give us another chance. How can he let me go so easily?!
I dont know. So many questions, but I guess 3 months is really nothing, and even if I seek to find answers I most likely wont get any. I could only hope for the truth to come out. It will set us free right?!
It's only 3 months... no big deal. move on, take charge. |