Hey · look, · an · active · volcano!

Ever since my computer automatically defragmented, Youtube has been saying I either have Javascript turned off or I need the latest Flash Player. I downloaded the Installer for the Flash player, then attempted to install it, but I don't think it's installing all the way. And I have no idea why. Anyone have any ideas?

Current Mood:

frustrated

So! Bit of an update . . . I turned twenty-two years old today. Emphasis on the "old." Lord, I feel so rickety and ancient. Much has been going on since last I wrote in this thing . . .

On the hurting others front . . . I realise I have sort of dropped off of the face of the internet, but frankly, I think this is a good thing as far as certain individuals are concerned. As much as I loved and was loved by these people, that was how deeply I ended up hurting them in the end. They would have been better not knowing me at all, thus, the less involved I am in their lives now, the more they can move on without me dragging them back into troublesome places in their lives. If this applies to anyone who is reading this now, I really hope you don't hate me for choosing this course of action, and I hope you will understand my reasoning. I hope you have been well and I wish you the best.

On the identity crisis front . . . I still hate my body with the passion of a frillion bitter romance novels, but I'm dealing. I don't really have much choice, as I have decided that neither surgery nor T are for me. I simply have to make do with what I have for now. It's slow going, but I think I'm gradually getting a bit more comfortable with it.

On the health front . . . Reynaud's Phenomena kind of sucks, but better this than something worse (i.e. diabetes, lupus, et cetera). I simply have to deal with my fingers and toes going numb anytime the temperature drops below 70, then deal with the pain of blood rushing back into my digits (rather ouchy, that). The arthritis in my fingers, hip and knee still flares up pretty badly, but I've been working on that . . . I eat an omega-rich diet. I walk every day, I try to run every day and I lift weights every other day. On a good day, I can run for six minutes before I have to stop. It might not sound like much, but it's definitely quite an achievement for prematurely arthritic, tendonitis-wracked, asthmatic me.

On the anorexia front . . . I still have a very unhealthy relationship with food, but again, that is an ongoing effort. I have taken my weight from 103 pounds to 113 and managed to keep it right round there. It's still a few pounds heavier than I'd like to be, but there you are ::shrug::

On the ugly front . . . Still ugly, but I think I'm growing into it. And hoy, I think ugly boys are sexy, right? So it all sort of works in some perverse, roundabout sort of fashion :P

That's not nearly all, but this entry is longer than I'd intended already. I've just returned from MegaCon, so I shall conclude this post by asking . . . Who wants photos? ^_^

Hope you lot have been well ^_^

Current Location:	arse
Current Mood:	cheerful
Current Music:	none at the mo'. need to find some.

You might or might not have noticed the lack of updates here. I've become a bit of an internet recluse as of late. There is a good reason for that. It isn't because nothing has been happening, rather it is quite the contrary. Lots of things have been happening. They are mostly of the the problematic variety, and this journal has caused enough problems already. It has reached the point where I feel like I can't speak my mind without hurting someone else or myself in the long run.

So yes. One last update before this journal officially goes on holiday.

What's new with me lately? I'm a boy suffocating in a girl's body. I'm battling an eating disorder. I can only hope I will not be in a wheelchair at the age of thirty. I am even uglier than I was before, though I hadn't thought it possible. I'm a coward, a burden and an utterly shite friend to too many people round here.

Aaand that's pretty much it. This journal is closed for business for the time being. Contact info is in my profile if you need it. I might be back later on and I might still check in once in a blue moon, but at this point, I need a break to get my kit together, get back in touch with reality and get the hell over myself.

Cheers, all.

Current Location:	arse
Current Mood:	blah
Current Music:	Snatch on DVD

I'm in the market for a new computer. I have a pretty good idea of what I want, I think . . . I'd like a laptop and I'm leaning toward Dell (Inspiron). Hoping for Windows XP as opposed to Vista.

I'm thinking I might eBAY it.

Anyone have any tips or advice for me? What to go for, what to avoid, any other recommendations, like? Also, I'm leery of eBAY like you would not believe, so any recommendations on how to pick and choose would be most appreciated.

And please, no Mac-versus-PC wank. I've heard it all before, I assure you :P

Thanks in advance ^__^

BUT! In happier news, I have new eesh; the gold and white oranda is named Boom Boom and the black moor is named Blue. I feel a bit of a traitor, but only marginally, because yer . . . It's not my primary pairing, but I still enjoy it.

Hurrah for fandom fish! ^__^

Current Location:	room, la la la
Current Mood:	annoyed
Current Music:	fish tank's filter humming

Because I get the feeling you did not read my last email and will not read any future attempts at such, I'll post a note to you this way instead, in the hopes that you will at least hear me out . . .

( This is addressed to one person. The rest of you lot may move along, please )

Current Location:	arse
Current Mood:	blank
Current Music:	Toy Box: "Earth, Wind, Water, Fire"

FALA: Stop it! Don't make me laugh too hard . . .
LAN: Why?
FALA: Because I am bursting for a piss like you would not believe.
JOY: And stop hitting the brake pedal all jerky like that! I have to poo like you would not believe.
LAN: Erk . . . There's nowhere to stop.
JOY: Don't worry, Fala. We'll be out of this and back home in say . . . three hours. In the meantime, just imagine faucets tinkling gently into sinks . . . A nice, hard downpour . . . Niagara Falls . . .
FALA: FUCK YOU AND 'LANDSLIDE'!!!
LAN: Christing HELL, don't swear at your mother!
FALA: Didn't you hear her?! I'm about to split and spill as it is!
JOY: . . . 'Split . . . and spill'? O_o;
LAN: Both of you calm down and shut up! Fala, cross your legs and think really hard about deserts. As soon as we get a chance, I'll pull off.
JOY: And what am I supposed to do?!
FALA: Cross your legs and think about cheese! :D

. . .

Back from the seaside. What an unbelievably brilliant week, even if the traffic was heinous throughout. Bladder is empty now, suitcase not so much. Off to unpack now, la la la.

Current Location:	arse
Current Mood:	busy
Current Music:	Little Miss Sunshine OST

Books read;
1. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows by J.K. Rowling . . . Which SO does not count.
2. And Then He Ate My Boy Entrancers by Louise Rennison . . . Which definitely does not count.
3. Still working on The Plague Dogs by Richard Adams, which would totally count if I could just finish it -_-

Recipes attempted;
1. General Tso's tofu . . .
. . . Success! I fried the tofu near perfectly and soaked the sauce right in. Better than the chicken of the same ilk as I remember it. More sweet crisp and less gooey fat, with an even texture and mild flavour inside that doesn't compete with the sauce. Delicious.
2. Crepes . . .
. . . Success! Lovely with strawberry jam and/or chocolate sauce, orgasmic with nutella.
3. Vegetable pad thai . . .
. . . Semi-success. The final product came out tasting just how I wanted it to, but I should have added more bean sprouts and more peanuts and the noodles were a trifle over-cooked.

Other goals accomplished;

1. Attend a theatrical production; Saw Sweeney Todd; The Demon Barber of Fleet Street. Absolutely wonderful. Definitely one of my very favourite musicals. Those who think of the muscial theatre as "fag stuff" ought to see this one. Pure grit and gore and gothic horror with just a garnish of fluff. Not a pair of tights to be seen. So good.
2. Write and illustrate a book to be published: Have begun work on a collaboration with Carlea. VERY exciting ^_^
3. Art more: My muse has awakened and now I can not seem to draw/paint fast enough. Where I once had artistic constipation, I now have artistic diarrhoea. JOY! :D

Things to work on;
1. Host a party
2. More art
3. More cooking
4. More reading
5. More sewing

Had a good day today and yesterday, but I feel like an insensitive bastard. And I suppose I am. It seems like everytime I open my mouth, I end up shoving a Doc Martens factory right in there, in the wake of my words. I should work on that as well if I have any hope of keeping my friends and doing right by them. But . . . blimey. I suck.

At any rate, I'm off to the seaside tomorrow for half a fortnight with the firkle of fools that I call family. How's that for alliteration? . . . Christ, I need a cup of tea.

Cheerio, people.

Current Location:	arse
Current Mood:	blank
Current Music:	Black Books on DVD

"And with those closing words, please rise and greet those next to you, hug them, smell them and such, it's all good."

.
.
.

God, I love my church XD

And it is worth mentioning that, at this very moment, there is a sizeable cardboard box in our garage, presumably brought in by my father and emblazoned with an enormous "RAB". I giggle.

No, I do not feel the need to write a huge, freaking spooge-drenched essay about it :D

In other news . . . Christ, I fucking LOVE this song. It makes me want to write Kurt-fic, even if Evo!Kurt was not involved with circuses in any way. This song is so beautiful. It wants fic. NOT SONG-FIC, God no, but . . . Apparently, it has been far too long since I have had a songasm this good. Ahhhhhn yes! YES! DON'T STOP! OH GOD! :D

Current Location:	arse
Current Mood:	giddy
Current Music:	Aqua: "Good-bye To The Circus"

This is Francis Toox, a patient at the sanitorium of Aynsgarth, which is established in the heart of Yorkshire and is also very, very fictional.

Francis is twenty six years of age and comes from French/English stock. He was found guilty for murder and committed on grounds for insanity. He has a double personality as well as some lycanthropic tendencies (and that's actual, clinical lycanthropy. He's not a werewolf, nerks :P).

In addition to the mental anomalies present, he also exhibits unusual patterns of growth in facial hair. Even though you can not see it here, there is a huge scar on the left side of his head (his left, not yours) due to a badly botched operation. The same operation affected his left eye, leaving the pupil permanently dilated. The affects of said operation in other areas are still up for debate. Suffice it to say, he's one sick puppy, though. One moment, he'll be calmly discussing whether or not Dickens is, in fact, a good writer, the next, he will be stabbing your eyes out with a hat pin or trying to seduce you. Possibly at the same time.

Yey! :D

Current Location:	arse
Current Mood:	chipper
Current Music:	nada

( Obligatory OOTP review )

. . . I shall now put on some X-Men Evolution and mentally subtract Todd's and Wanda's clothing to put my mind off of such things.

Not much else going on. Work was long and hard and knackering this week, but ultimately very rewarding in the end. I had a bit of an emotional morning, but am feeling much better now, following some therapeutic room-cleaning (including the closet). Hurrah, I can breath again! Whilst accomplishing this, I finally watched the first disk of Black Books hired from Carlea from beginning to end. Why, Lord, have I not seen this series before? It is glorious.

Also, I think I am growing more and more comfortable with myself as of late. Either that or Boy!Fala is simply, if not rather bitterly coming to accept the fact that no, he can not go to work in a black formal jacket and button-down shirt. Still, doesn't stop me from praying to Baby Jesus near every night, asking him to give me a snail trail.

. . . The fact that there is no concievable way Baby Jesus can hear me over my father's snoring notwithstanding.

Right. Imma go draw now.

Current Location:	arse
Current Mood:	content
Current Music:	Donald Novis: "Love Is A Song"

I'm teaching a course in claymation this week. And guess what we just finished? AN ANIMATIC. That's right, people. I'm teaching young kids how to do character turnarounds, environmental design, storyboards, and ani-fokkin'-matics.

Major CA repurcussions of course, but it's pretty cool ^_^

In other news, I should probably mention that I will not be terribly attentive to my friends list in the weeks to come. As much as I enjoy the Harry Potter films and books, the fandom is . . . on the whole, not something I want to deal with. Especially with the book and the film coming out. Yes, I plan on reading/seeing and enjoying both, but I'd prefer to do so away from all of the psychobabble, plskthnx. Granted, all fandom is a form of masturbation, but from what I have seen, HP in particular racks up an Everest-sized mountain of spooge.

. . . And yes, I realise I am an utter poopy, meanie-head for saying so. If anyone still loves me enough after having said that to want to contact me, I can be reached through email. Thanks for your time.

Current Location:	arse
Current Mood:	thirsty
Current Music:	none-o

Books read:
. . . Er, I started The Plague Dogs, but have not finished it. It's long, heavy stuff.

Recipes attempted:
- Vegetarian lasagne (with help from Bonnie)
Success! Absdolutely delicious, filling and pretty good for you, too.
- Mint chocolate pie (also with help from Bonnie)
ORGASM IN MOUTH.

Goals to follow through on;
- Read more
- Cook more
- ART MORE
- Plan a party
- Attend a theatrical show (We're going to see Sweeney Todd; The Demon Barber Of Fleet Street next week-end ^__^

Today was absolutely lovely. I woke up on the bright and wore a new outfit with my new hair to church. The service was one of the best I've ever been to. Our minister (a wonderful, boisterous lady) started us off by reading aloud from Green Eggs And Ham as an introduction to the theme of open-mindedness before we sang our hymns and the children left to attend the junior program. Today's sermon was about science and faith and how a blend of both makes for a well-balanced outlook on life. As someone who very much believes this, I really appreciated that. I really don't like having things one way or the other (i.e. "Darwin sucks and God rules!" or "God sucks and Darwin rules!"). I like to see the earthly and the spiritual in every aspect of my life, and I absolutely believe in a well-balanced . . . everything. After this, there was the offeratory, and all summer, the church splits its earnings with a local group that works to promote equality for the GLBT community. Appropriately enough, one of the senior choir members sang "Somewhere Over The Rainbow" whilst the basket was passed round. Joy and I put in a fiver.

After church, Joy and myself went round the fabrics shop and I picked up some more things to complete my Nightcrawler costume (I'll be going as him again on Hallowe'en/at Megacon, but this time, instead of his civvies, I'll be wearing his actual X-Men uniform). Bonnie bid on a black unitard for me on eBAY and told me last night that I won. So yes, all that remains is to simply put it all together. I'll be making a new tail. This one will be more light-weight. I'm thinking of making new ears as well, and getting a new set of fangs so that I can have both top and bottom. Nee, t'will be fun.

When we arrived home, Lan had come home as well (he goes out to play golf every Sunday morning) and all three of us walked down to the historic district. This was wonderful, because Lan is trying to lose weight. As such, he is really trying hard to quit drinking and the consquent withdrawal has him massively depressed and moody all the time. I've been trying to think of things that all three of us can do together as a means of getting him (and us, for that matter) up and out of the house. The walk downtown from our house is about thirty to forty five minutes and by the time we got there, it was just about time for afternoon tea. Joy treated us to tea, I bought us sushi all round and we sat outside by the harbour, munching and conversing. After this, we had a quick walk round and went into the local gallery to look round at the paintings there. It's a mixed bag, really, because whilst the stuff up in the gallery is incredibly, mind-blowingly well-done, the subject matter is ungodly dull. Generic landscapes and still-lives and such. Pity, even if the techniques themselves make me drool.

So, yes. I'm in incredibly good spirits right now, thinking I might start working on my new Nightcrawler tail tonight, or possibly a big painting in ink washes. Life is good.

Current Location:	arse
Current Mood:	chipper
Current Music:	Aqua: "Doctor Jones"

It's so strange, though. It's not even as if I'm a trannie, per se. There are simply some days and times when I feel male, and some days/times when I feel female. They are two very distinctive mindsets. It's like I have two people pushing and shoving for space inside my body. To make matters worse, they have demands that completely clash with eachother; Girl!Fala likes colours and wild styles, Boy!Fala demands simple, sensible black with no visible skin. Girl!Fala is positively screaming at me to chop off all my hair, whilst Boy!Fala wants me to keep growing it out so he can look good with a ponytail. Girl!Fala is peppy, assertive and has rock bottom-low self esteem, whilst Boy!Fala is confident, a quieter shade of moody and dead-set on working hard to please others.

They are two completely different people, yet they are both me.

It is rather creepy, too, because my mother's first pregnancy was a miscarriage. Know what it was? Twins. A boy and a girl. . . . Yer, chew on that for a while.

The bottom line is, there's half of me they don't seem to understand or really want to understand. And that half, however quietly moody, is really quite hurt by this.

Whatever. It could certainly and very easily be worse. I'll get over it.

. . .

In other news, I do think I just qualified as Dithering Champion for Scotland. I saw that Carlea was back from England and immediately rang her up. Lord God in heaven, it was so good to hear her voice again after so long, even if I had to hear myself wibbling pathetically alongside. Seriously, words can not describe how much I have fucking missed this girl.

We're pallyrallying this week-end. Needless to say, I feel loads better already.

Today made me feel really good, too. I could have been having a halloo, or my admittedly dicey hearing could be playing silly buggers with my poor wee brain, but I could have sworn one of my little girl students said this . . . At the end of my last class, I always take this one girl to After Care because her parents work late. Once she had her rucky all packed and was ready to go, she slapped her hand into mine and said, "Let's go, boy-lady!"

. . .

"Boy-lady."

I think my poor, wee gender-confused heart just cried thick, nectary tears of joy. Count on the young and untainted to hit the proverbial nail on the head with a note that resonates like the swelling of an angelic choir.

Boy-lady. Gneee, I love it. I love my kids. I love my job. It's so much fun to see so many distinctive characters emerge. I've got a little Turkish girl, very quiet, sweet and artistic with an absolutely perfect Frida Kahlo unibrow. And then there's Claire. She's almost scarily intelligent and definitely scarily aggressive. She has that way of speaking wherein every syllable sounds like it is uttered whilst stabbing someone. This girl is seriously a pit bull in a yorkie's body. There are the twins, Thea and Serena, who are so bloody identical that I can only tell them apart by peering close enough to see the tiny freckle over one's eyebrow that the other lacks. And of course, there is Sarah, who singlehandedly educated the rest of the class on the matter of her mum divorcing her dad, then marrying another woman.

So yer. Even if I'm not comfortable with myself a great deal of the time at work, working where I do really is wonderful.

I feel much better now. Thanks to everyone for your comments and for caring ^_^

Current Location:	arse
Current Mood:	content
Current Music:	Toy Box: "The Sailor Song" (ta, Mu!)

I don't even want to think about what my extended family would say. I already know that I'm a colossal joke among other things to them.

I'm not ungrateful. I know that everywhere, there are kids whose parents throw them out on the street for things like this, kids who are threatened, abused, even killed for it. I'm very thankful that my parents and peers are tolerant. I just wish they would also be accepting.

I feel something so deeply, so honestly so fully, that it's spilling over and I can't stop it. I can't hide it. I need to be myself and I need to know that's okay.

Is it so much to ask to be taken seriously?

Current Location:	arse
Current Mood:	morose
Current Music:	the fountain

Does anyone have an .mp3 of the ending song from The Plague Dogs. that one that goes "I don't feel no pain no more . . ." I've been humming/singing it all day. I love it so . . . Then I rather love songs that manage to cram more than one emotion successfully into one. This one is depressing, yet celebratory. Anyhoo, I adore it and would love to have it.

Also, if anyone has "The Sailor Song" by Toy Box, I will have your arsebabies. Rawr.

And lastly, to be completely and utterly ridiculous, does anyone have Gwen Stefani's "Wind It Up"? Or better yet, a kareoke version of the same? I might very well have some very evil plans for it indeed :P

Thanks in advance ^_^

Current Location:	arse
Current Mood:	chipper
Current Music:	the plague dogs on youtube

All of this found on a kindergarteners' playground.

. . . Now that just ain't right O_O

Current Location:	arse
Current Mood:	shocked
Current Music:	nein