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[24 May 2008|09:43am] |
my brother's girlfriend is pregnant.
this is the conversation that transpired between my brother and my nephew.
chris: "courtney has my baby in her belly and when the baby is born, you're going to have a new cousin."
devon: "why did courtney eat my cousin?!"
courtney being pregnant also lead to a discussion between me and katrina about how babies are born.
katrina seemed totally fine with the idea of a baby being in courtney's belly, but she couldn't figure out how the baby would get out.
when she asked me how the baby would get out, i didn't know what to tell her except for the truth.
when i explained to my two year old how the baby would get out, she was horrified and said "ewwwww mommy!!! that's nasty! that's so gross!"
my mom says i shouldn't have told katrina that courtney was going to push the baby out of her vagina, but i didn't know what else to say. i don't think you should lie to kids. i wish there was a book i could get all of the answers from. i hope i haven't scarred katrina too much. but i guess that should be expected with me as mommy.
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[07 Jan 2008|10:51pm] |
i really need to get that last entry off of the top of my page...
because everytime i look in this journal, it's the first thing i see and i'm automatically upset.
so that's why i'm here....
i have an insane headache tonight.
and i'm out of pills until wednesday.
ughhhhhhh.
i've been reading old emails and journal entries (i was intent on looking for something, but i always manage to get pulled back...)
there are so many things i'd love to just forget...
and so many people i'd love to pull close again.
too many miles away.
i had an amazing dream about pearl jam last night.
it's been years and years since i've done that.
i'd love to see them right now... feeling it again.
hold onto the thread....
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[13 Sep 2007|11:02pm] |
adam-
i saw the message you left me.
email me at fadingxlight@yahoo.com
when we stopped talking, i deleted your number from my phone along with your email address.
plus i'd rather keep this to emails right now anyway.
talk to you soon.
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| .kat's new school picture. |
[21 Mar 2007|07:09pm] |
so much hair for such a little baby girl
edit-
i somehow missed her class picture.
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| cher took some pictures while she was here |
[28 Jan 2007|03:53pm] |
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| my heaven is perfection |
[07 Jan 2007|10:38pm] |
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[14 Nov 2006|12:31am] |
has it seriously been three months since i've used this journal?!
i guess i've become more comfortable over at the "new" journal then i had thought.
anyway, katrina's pictures came in today!
of course, it was impossible for me to send any of the sheets back, so i just bought 65 bucks worth of these. and somehow, they are all already claimed.
i also ordered holiday cards with the present pose which will hopefully come soon so i can send everything out at once.
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[15 Aug 2006|10:21am] |
Katrina’s been sleeping through the night since she was two months old. since that time, she’s woken up in the middle of the night… maybe five times… usually because she’s sick. I can have sex in our room, hang up clothes, put away toys… and she doesn’t even move. but last night must have been a restless night for her because when I came home at 1am and went into our room, she woke up as I was getting changed. As soon as she saw me, she jumped up and started yelling “mama.”
I knew I should probably lay her back down with her sippy cup and let her fall back asleep, but she looked so cute and she wanted me so badly. From the day she was born until the time she was 2-3 months old, she slept in bed with me. and I really miss it sometimes. I’m scared to have her sleep in bed with me now because she’s so restless and I don’t want her to fall off, so I laid a blanket down on the floor, grabbed some pillows, more blankets, and I laid down on the floor with her.
She couldn’t get close enough to me. at first she was just laying against me. then she put her hand on my face and fell asleep like that. once she was asleep, I moved her over a little and rolled onto my stomach so I could fall asleep. A few minutes later, I saw her sit up. I thought she was going to get pissed or start crying, but instead, she just climbed onto my back, rested her little head against my shoulder, and fell back asleep.
It is so amazing to have someone love and need you that much.
It wasn’t exactly comfortable to have a baby sleeping on my back, but there was no way I could move her. it was too sweet and my heart felt like it was going to burst out of my chest. As she was falling back asleep, she let out this happy, peaceful sigh- and I echoed it back to her before I passed out too. I love that little monster so fucking much.
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| .mommy's angel. |
[01 Aug 2006|08:03pm] |
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| .happy birthday, baby. |
[30 Jul 2006|09:47pm] |
A year ago today, I had just given birth to my first born.
Of course, my daughter would come at 1:25am on a Saturday. a party girl already.
She was horribly ugly-
So tiny, covered in cheese, and looking more like an alien then a gerber baby.
And I was instantly in love with her- even thought it was unbelievably surreal to actually be holding her in my arms instead of carrying her around in my belly.
She was attached to me from the very beginning.
After bonding with her for a while, I was ready to pass out.
It was so early in the morning. I had just been in labor for hours. I was still doped up from the painkillers.
But when I attempted to put her in the bassinet that was right against my hospital bed, she immediately began screaming.
She would only stop if I held her in my arms and walked with her. I spent much of that night/morning pacing the hospital room with my newborn nestled against me.
I was scared. I was tired. I was frustrated. And those little cat cries ripped at my heart.
Because already, despite my crazy post-birth hormones, I felt the most urgent need to protect her always.
Some time in the late morning hours, a nurse came into the room and found me, baby still pressed against my chest, passed out in the visitor chair. I never did get to sleep in the hospital bed.
But now it’s been a year since that night.
A year since my life completely changed.
It’s so hard to believe that the time has gone.
I look at her now and I can’t believe that this little girl who’s got such a personality to her is the same helpless, crying infant I brought home from the hospital with me.
Where does the time go?
And how do I make it stop so she can be my baby forever?
Today we celebrated her life- which is by far the most beautiful thing I’ve ever been a part of.
But I couldn’t stop the tears from falling when I put her to bed tonight.
I held her close to me and she rested her little head against my shoulder- mommy and baby cuddling before bedtime. And it broke my heart that she won’t always be my baby.
Now I understand why it’s so hard for parents to let go.
My girl is only one and already I feel the sting of her growing up.
It’s utterly amazing to watch her become her own person- to see her gain strength each day. But at the same time, it rips your heart out to watch them need you less and less.
I also feel like I should be celebrating my birth today.
Because the day she was born, I was reborn.
She’s brought so much love and joy into my life.
I can’t even imagine how I lived without it.
She’s the love of my life.
And because of her, I finally turned my life around.
I don’t think I could have ever done it-
I don’t think I ever would have grown up-
If it wasn’t for her.
She’s my everything.
And I’ve never been happier in my life.
Happy birthday, angel.
Mommy loves you more then you could ever know.
xoxoxoxo
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| .ass up in the air just like her mama. |
[19 Jul 2006|07:35pm] |
lately, she likes to play under the crib. i think it's weird, but whatever. she loves it. i was cleaning up her toys the other day when i looked over and found that she dragged a small baby doll that i missed and took it with her to use as a pillow.
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[31 May 2006|09:42pm] |
see what i mean about her growing up too fast?!
drunk driving!
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[29 May 2006|09:00pm] |
she's in such a hurry to grow up... just like her mama was.
she now refuses to let me feed her. baby food is out. tonight she let me feed her half a jar of peas, but only after i loaded up her tray with mac n cheese. that was a small miracle.
i'm definitely not ready for self feeding. it's bad enough that she hasn't let me feed her a bottle in months. i was holding onto feeding her dinner every night. but she looks at me like "ok, mom. i'm a big girl now. back the fuck up."
i've been talking about weening her from the bottle for the past month. i know it's about time. i really am trying to let her grow up, but it's so goddamn hard. once again, she's trying to take the option away from me. when devon was here the other day, he left his sippy cup on the table, so she pulled herself up, grabbed it, sat back down in front of the tv, and watched elmo while drinking from his cup. i sat down next to her, started crying, and said "come on, baby. just give mama a little more time." but i know she won't.
this morning after i finished changing and dressing her, she immediately took off to the tv. she always pulls herself up on the tv stand and watches tv two inches away from the screen. she pulled herself up there this morning, but i hadn't gotten a chance to put the dvd on yet. she looked over at me and started banging on the tv... like "mom, what did you do with elmo? come on, it's time." not even a year old and already she's telling me what to do.
friday was her last day at holly's. she started at calvin's today. i had been thinking about putting her in daycare, but i was told by just about everybody that i should try to hold off until she's at least 2. then calvin offered to start taking her and i jumped at it. the plan the whole time i was trying to get pregnant and during my pregnancy was for calvin to watch her when i went back to work. my sister fucked that whole thing up, but now it's all good again. devon is there a couple of days a week and she gets to play with shameka (calvin's 4 year old niece) and tyron (calvin's 1 1/2 year old nephew). i think katrina and tyron are in love already. he's constantly giving her big wet kisses and today when i went to pick her up, they were both asleep... cuddled up together in calvin's bed. it was so adorable. my baby is sleeping with black boys already! in just one day, i could see the difference in her. she came home happy and exhausted. and really really dirty. i'm sure that would annoy most mom's, but i want katrina playing and getting dirty. it's one thing if she's sitting in a dirty diaper all day (which she isn't). if calvin wants to take them to the park or dance with them in the dirt, i'm all for that. it's nothing a bath won't cure. i offered to pay calvin the same amount i was paying holly ($75 a week), but he's telling me that is too much. he's fucking crazy. i'm going to make him take the money. he's saving me an extra $50 a week by not having to put her in daycare.
i think my girl is going to be a stripper. she already has a stripper name. and now i can't keep anything on her. she never has socks on anymore. forget about shoes. she ripped out both of her earrings. i can't keep a piece of jewelry on her. she HATES getting dressed. when i'm feeding her, i leave her in just a diaper so i can put her right in the bath and the whole time she's trying to take it off. if i turn my back for two seconds, it's off and she's laughing... waving her diaper around. bibs, headbands, hats... i stopped trying. it's no use.
just look at that attitude!
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| .punk rock love. |
[26 May 2006|01:26am] |
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| .this is the only thing that really matters. |
[24 May 2006|01:53am] |
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| .another day of firsts. |
[23 May 2006|08:13pm] |
katrina cut her first tooth today!
i know- she's almost 10 months old- i can't believe it's taken so long.
but all of her teeth have been chillin just under her gum line for a while now.
when she smiles, you can see the white tops of them.
her gum split weeks ago.
and then this weekend, i knew it was coming soon.
she ran a low grade fever both days and rubbed her face constantly.
she's so fucking adorable with her little white tooth.
this morning, when i brought her out of the room, she saw my mom and started to wave.
she loves to wave. i can never get her to stop.
but while she was waving to my mom, she said "hi!"
she said hi again to krista when i took her to see omar at work.
she's so damn grown!
omar's going to be here soon to pick me up. we're going to mel's for our normal night of drinking, playing spades, and eating chicken.
i fucking love my life.
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| .another ny outfit from aunt cher. |
[21 May 2006|03:34pm] |
she LOVES mommy's cell phone.
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fadingxlight's journal
