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Bryan Stevens II

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*grumbles -_- pissed grrrr.....* Sep. 24th, 2004 @ 12:30 pm
Well... Surgery just got conceled right before I was leaving to go. Another fucking month and 4 days till I go again. I'll have to have another fucking physical AGAIN, and see the bloody Anathesiologist, AGAIN... Costing more and more money. I just want to get this shit over with. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!
Current Mood: pissed off

Today is surgery day Sep. 24th, 2004 @ 10:58 am
So today, I go into the Hospital to have surgery. A day I have been both anxious to get over with and nervous besides also even to some degree, scared to death about. So, time will tell how things go.

I have set up a list of 2 e-mails to contact if the worst should occur, I do not expect it to. I intend to come out of this well. But, I know better than to not prepare for the worst. What ever happens, all My real friends, thankyou for being there and I hope to see you on the other side.
Current Mood: nervous
Current Music: Elvenking - Moonchariot

Update Sep. 13th, 2004 @ 06:55 pm
Meh... I'm not having a good day. Had a horrible nightmare saturday. Dreamt of saving a friend that recently passed away, and I had succeeded. Why must our dreams wreak havoc upon us when the living day already tortures us?

Enzyme
You are an enzyme. You are powerful, dark,
variable, and can change many things at your
whim...even when they're not supposed to be
changed. Bad you. You can be dangerous or
wonderful; it's your choice.


Which Biological Molecule Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
Current Mood: depressed

Centering slowly towards normality Jul. 6th, 2004 @ 10:36 pm
Where I was, I can say I never wish to be again. Its not a good place when you feel that there is little point in existing. But, none the less. I am trying to get away from that.

I am not making leaps and bounds, but I am progressing. Enough, at least to be able to comment. Some may at least be interested in hearing at least. Though I immagine a good number of you are not really reading what I have to say. That is fine, this is for me, whether anyone cares or not.

Today I have just been doing alot of thinking while working with my server. Still not at home, but even this vacation has only been a bit of support for what I am going through.

I am thinking of alot of things. While listening to primarily only two bands today. System of a down from roulette to A T W A to I-E-A-I-A-I-O and hoobastank - the reason.

Some of the things I have considered;
Leaving IRC entirely and permanantly.
Selling my computer to leave the internet entirely ( decided against )

Right now is too early to make decisions let alone to act on them. I need to take time with what I will choose or even consider choosing. But, if anyone listens to those songs then you will get a feeling of some of the thoughts that I have been thinking on. Both songs speak of someone, and in the same sense, they are both for me reminding me of her. The her that I do not know if I will ever be able to be around and not feel the hurt that I have. To say the least, I let myself care too much for her. I let myself think of her more than I ever should have let myself. As redundant as that is, it is what I know now.

I feel I should never let another woman close to my heart like that. Friend or not, none can be trusted before me with that trust ever again. All women cause pain.

Lastly, I have the poem I wrote tonight. Its different from my usual even though I do not write often. So for an ending of this post, I leave you with that.

Silhuetes and shadows
the thoughts of yesterdays passed

the games and fun
left behind in times passing

a heart with out
a beat behind the rythem

countless hours that mattered
the truths untold and the lies laid bare

withering and fading away
feelings that stood only to fall ruin

a tale of written testimony
this thing, this poem left to tell of nawt to do

writhing and festering
all that we leave standing our feelings will corrupt within

distance and departure
the key is gone, the door is closed and locked behind

meandering and disapearing
the only path left to resign my thoughts of all that was never in reach

leaving and goodbye
the time has past, the time to stick around gone, and it is getting late

wishes and farewells
time to go for all a fare thee well, in the shadows a familiar face of memory remains



Written Tuesday 9:07 pm, 7/6/2004
by, Fire-Soul Bryan Stevens II
Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: System of a Down - Roulette

totally alone and tired of existance Jun. 27th, 2004 @ 01:45 am
Well, here i am. What ever I am. I am entirely 100% single and there will not be a reason of pleasure to comment about her again. Not at this point at least. So oh well. I'm just chopped liver or something.

No one is around. I am alone and with no one at all to be able to get support for my current dillema. Just myself, and well, that is shaky like the branch in a monsoon.

I am straight out glad that I am not home. Had I been, I would of grabbed the muscle relaxant pills I have waiting for me at home and taken all 17 of them. I'm tired of life, of getting hurt, of being alone, of having no one who actually cares about me. I am so done with it all. Here I am at a friends house, in the open. I really really want a cig right now. Even more a clove. But, I don't know where I can get them here. I don't have a clue. I just know, I wish I had never been born. The world would be better off.

Feel free to comment how ever you like. Feel free to tell me I'm an idiot or useless or what ever.

Fire-Soul
Current Mood: rejected
Current Music: Bloodhound Gang Lift Your Head Up High And Blow Your Brains Out
Other entries
» Away and on vacation from life and sanity
Yup, despite everything I'm going through. I am not at home. I had to get away, had to get out of my home and away from my parents before I did something possibly stupid. I'm not any better, nor can I say I am well. But, here around friends I am not able to get the time to think about the things that are bothering me. Every moment but the few I have before I lay down and go to sleep are filled with distractions.

Its all I can do, I know no more answers. The questions I have will just have to wait. All I know is I do not have a good feeling about going in for surgery. So I am trying to level out what ever I can before then. Though, there is not much I can do, I am sure that I will end up regretting not having done something before hand. I'm scared, and though I am surrounded with friends whom I can not console in all of these thoughts. I am at least safe from doing some of what had been a part of my thoughts.

As a side note, I have been playing Battlefield Vietnam and working on a mod for it today. It has made for a nice change of pace with a welcome level of chaos. Soon now, I go to bed. But before then, I go to watch Naruto and then bed. So, now I go.

Fire-Soul
Jun. 25th, 2004 @ 12:56 am
» The never ending agony
So, its official. I am going in for surgery on the 16th of July. I'll be getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth out and be in hell for days to come. Not that I'm not in hell right now. But, if I find a way out. I'll just be back in it if I do. I might as well not try to make any improvements.

I had to turn down a job today due to all the dental work I have scheduled or am going through. I hate my life so very very much. I keep withdrawing more and more. I peek my head out now and then just to find I'm better off not having done so.

Fire-Soul
Jun. 21st, 2004 @ 04:20 pm
» I am away even when I'm here
Today I wasn't home. I found out exactly where I was. It took just sitting alone in the sun to be able to find myself. I just sat there and enjoyed the sun beating down on my face. For those few moments I could see me. But it didn't last, the clouds came and swiftly took that light from my face. It was but a brisk wind as the cold front was sweeping through. But, for those few precious solitary moments. I was there. It was short, too short. My center is swiftly leaving me I feel. I am more alone than I ever thought I would be in my life. Even around my friends at home, nothing is as it used to be. I sit here, as I sat there surrounded by my friends. I just talk to myself. I am ignored, invisible, indifferent.

What would life be with out a Bryan in everyone's lives I wonder? So many have said I'm a spark of life. But sparks come and go brilliantly sometimes, and some times not so wonderfully brilliant. I question just how much of me will return, or how little shall even remain?
Jun. 20th, 2004 @ 12:01 am
» what is going on?
I wish I knew the answer to that question. Right now, I don't know what is going on. I almost think I'm losing my mind. I have left IRC where I normally hang out all the time. I just can't settle. I am not well. That is all I know. I am questioning every strand of sanity I have at this moment. I don't know if this is a feable grasp on the brink of something I'm going to end up plunged into. I just don't know.

Fire-Soul
Jun. 18th, 2004 @ 05:39 pm
» short and simple
Well, short and simple. I'm not feeling well. I'm still in a state of shock as best as I can tell from having my teeth pulled. I feel sick, and nothing I do seems to help. Besides that, all I can do is think and feel sick. My thoughts are probably best left where they are. They just are not helping me, so I doubt it would be of any use to think of them further let alone converse. So, I go again.

Fire-Soul
Jun. 17th, 2004 @ 05:08 pm
» Post extraction - Just got home
Well, I just got home about 30 minutes ago. Had 3 teeth pulled with out any pain. They gave me lots of time to get numb and ready for it. The nurse/assistant was wonderful. She stayed by my side from getting 16 x-rays to the end of the whole ordeal. I'm still souped up on lydocain and getting used to the change. Eventually, the pain will kick in and I'll want nothing to do with it.

As a side to the day at hand, and a welcome surprise. She did stop in and say hi. It has prolly made my day all that much more bearable. She came to me. It has made my previous statement false. I just need to relax and see how things go. Something I am not terribly good at I guess.

Oh well, rest and recooperation.

Fire-Soul
Jun. 16th, 2004 @ 04:40 pm
» 8 am passes by...
Here we are, Wednesday the 16th. No word or sign that she made it to her destination thus far. The signs of how much she cares continue to shine oh so bright. Guess time will tell.

I have my dentist apointment today. I am so looking forward to getting it over with so I can come home in pain and want nothing less than to pass out. Then I'll spend the next day or so just trying to avoid being awake any length of time.

More to come later possibly...

Fire-Soul
Jun. 16th, 2004 @ 08:17 am
» Departure at 12:44 pm
Today she left for her vacation. I'm here left with just my tooth killing me from time to time and wondering just how am I going to get by. Yes, every thing I do reminds me of her, which in turn reminds me that I will not be likely to see her till sometime next wednesday or thursday. I can't find anything to settle on. I can't even satisfy myself for an hour with anything on tv. Everything makes me think of her.

I hate that I am so hung on her. I am a hair away from crying because I know one horrible truth. My thoughts will be with her, daily. But I know that I will not be a part of her thoughts even once. Yet here I am, craving just for one more moment of time with her. Am I infatuated? Am I in love? Am I just horribly stupid? All the lines are going very fuzzy for me. My dreams are dieing right allong with me.

Fire-Soul
Jun. 15th, 2004 @ 04:19 pm
» I need a vacation from my life, and even that is put on hold
So, I called to get my dentist apointment today. Earliest I can get in is Wednesday, if they don't take care of my problem they are going to have a problem. Mostly because it is very difficult for me to eat right now. Which means, if I'm not able to eat then I can not leave to get away from my life at home. I really need to get into a different environment. One where I can hopefully get driving experience and be more apt to get out of the house to move around. I need a job. I need a life. I hate the one I currently barely exist in. Its killing me minute by minute. I just keep getting older and never getting any where.

I'm hoping to get my dental problem secured, heal, and then leave town. I know no one really cares about all of this. That I am just ranting and as usual, no one listens. I need to get a life.

Fire-Soul
Jun. 14th, 2004 @ 04:49 pm
» Aftermath - the calculations of warfare between alcohol and sanity
Well, the party was most enjoyable. I went, I drank, I got sick, and I kept drinking. The day after, now that was like not so wonderful. Nor was the event of someone deciding to headbutt me. Which, still hurts including my tooth I believe he broke in the same occurance. Oh well, I can't think of anything else to ramble on about.

Fire-Soul
Jun. 13th, 2004 @ 10:32 am
» (No Subject)
How to make a Fire-Soul
Ingredients:

3 parts pride

1 part crazyiness

5 parts empathy
Method:
Layer ingredientes in a shot glass. Add sadness to taste! Do not overindulge!

Jun. 13th, 2004 @ 10:20 am
» Drinking tonight yarrrrrr!!!!
Tonight, I have a party to go enjoy. More to say, I'm going to the party to enjoy drinking. Lots of it. In fact, I have not eaten a thing all day. So the furthering upon which that I shall enjoy said drinking shall make the reaction all that better for me.

I am going solely to get totally wasted. If I get sick, I will keep drinking. I will not stop till I pass out. I just don't care.

So, yay for me and my endless maw before me that I venture forth to lose myself in.

Fire-Soul
Jun. 11th, 2004 @ 05:44 pm
» A breath of fresh air
I just got back from grabbing a breath of fresh air on the patio and enjoying a cigar. Well, trying to enjoy but I can't say I did. I am feeling quite lost right now.

I am left with only being able to say that it seems all I have is myself and the stars.

Is this the mess that I have become? Or is this really me in the end?

I feel so alone and lost right now.

Fire-Soul
Jun. 10th, 2004 @ 11:20 pm
» Here we are, another post
Wow, sure been a long time since I last posted. Alot of things have changed yet so much has remained the same.

Lately, been wondering where some of my old friends are and what they are doing. It seems like no matter what we do we lose the people we treasured as friends.

Lately, I got my permit, just waiting for my picture id to show up in the mail. Otherwise once I do get that, I'm going to see about getting out of town for a couple weeks.

In addition to this, I have someone that I am crazy about. She is someone who I spent alot of time with till things got really rough with her X. She had alot of history with this person and things got so messy. Yet, where things are now I can't even guess where they are going. I just know that I still care, but she's in alot of pain. We don't talk like we used to. We even spent lots of time playing games together just relaxing or talking a bunch. But, I am so lost now. Just what should I do I havn't the clue. All I know is that right now, she is 2 time zones away and isn't really all that chatty. But, if I could. I would go and visit her just to meet her.

This other day, I got a fortune cookie. For the first time, it wasn't one of those silly wisdom spouting statements. But actually one that sais to do something. In specific, it said "It's time you asked that special someone out on a date."... To me, there was no one else I could think of as being special to me. I tried and tried to think of someone else but there was no one. I was so worried with the way things have been. So, I decided to do it. We have a tentative date to play a game of chess. I'm looking forward and hoping that it will be able to fit into her busy schedule. Time will tell.

Well, enough of my rambling.

Fire-Soul
Jun. 10th, 2004 @ 08:34 pm
» Lost in times with out
Thinking of boredom. I am currently sunk in a bit of depression. And what over of all things? Being alone, no real love in my current life. Just a couple of good friends. One that I know with out a doubt cares. And a bunch that do care. The way good friends on the internet care. Recently my Grandmother passed away. And things have been very difficult. I don't say much in regards to it. But in reality, I am lost in how to suffer. I feel like I should be bent over bawling my eyes out. But on the other hand. I have for a very long time been in the possition where I have had to put on the good face. I have been picked on so much in my life that the next time someone does it in real life. Im going to put them in the hospital. This isn't really something I want to do. But, its been going on for so long. All I can think of is to lash out and kill and hurt in responce to the very thought. Are these two things linked? No, I have felt this way for a long time. Just kept it inside. I held it to my own eyes and ears. On to other thoughts... Lately I have been having headaches and migraines constantly. I wake up with the pain, go on through out the entire day with the pain. And then go to bed with it. I have done everything but see a Dr. And I think that time will be rather soon. In trying to sooth the pain I have tried massaging my own neck with little to no luck. But, whats worse is I found a lump on the back of my neck. And there isn't an equal to it on the otherside of my neck. I can't say Im not worried. Guess time will tell. I really don't know what to expect. And further more, my Mother has already had cancer found. And my Dad is currently worried that he may. But he hasn't had it checked out yet either. And so in my case, with my parents under their stress from my Grandmother passing away and obvious relative points. Maybe I might be best off not saying anything and just living. These migraine's arn't good. But, there are many things worse off. And this still isn't everything I worry or am worrying about on my back. ::sigh:: I go watch a movie now. Losing one's self for an hour or so is better than being lost in one's own thoughts.
Aug. 29th, 2003 @ 03:12 am

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